The Banana Slug: Let us talk about Shizuo Heiwajima, the super-raging strong-man from DuRaRaRa. He is lean, mean, and in charge. He has the strength of a wild rhino who is able to punch the clothes out of any poor schmuck who thinks he's the baddest mo-fo this side of Cleveland. Dressed like a waiter and a burning hatred for Izaya Orihara, he rampages throughout the city and throws anything he can get his hands at his enemies (or sometimes bystanders).

Now, let us talk of Bane.

Bane is a super-intelligent luchadore, with the help of powerful steroids coursing through his veins. His strength is unparalleled even without taking his Venom, but when he does, he is a force to be reckoned with. Despite his strength, an idiot he is not. His intelligence is so great and calculating, he was able to deduce the Bat and wear him out with different points of attack and eventually breaking his back, severely crippling him. It takes balls and brains and brawn to be able to take down the Batman.

Now, how 'bout we have them fight in a battle royale! Strongest survives!

SPECIAL GUEST CAMEO: Shizuo Heiwajima and someone else from DuRaRaRa!

You Got BatRolled!

By The Banana Slug

CHAPTER 36: Bane vs. Shizuo

The Man Who Broke The Other Man

In the district of Tokyo that we know to be called Ikebukuro, there was a small diner which was housing the infamous "Man who Broke the Bat", Bane. He sat at a table as he was reading the manly Manga, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. Bane was visiting Japan to find a person that goes by the name of Lelouch and break this Japanese Batman…unaware that he is not in this dimension at the moment. Better luck next time.

As he was reading his Manga, he heard the sound of an angry growl. This caused Bane to wince, as a sharp noise is enough to break his concentration during Manga reading time. Bane attempted to read his Manga again, only to be interrupted by another distracting noise.

"I hate this! There's too many messages!" growled the person behind him, who was a blonde-haired bartender known only as…Shizuo Heiwajima, from the show, Durarara!

Bane looked over at the table behind him, seeing the tall man click on his phone with anger. "Damn phone won't stop beeping! I can't read them all!" growled Shizuo with anger, "If there is one more message, I'm going to-"

"Hey!" called out Bane, turning his head to glare at the blonde-haired Japanese man, "It's just messages, no need to have a hissy fit." The masked assassin sighed and returned to his Manga, with his chimichanga waiting there for him.

Shizuo glared at Bane as he sat there, squeezing a pencil in his hand as he tried to stop from getting up and attacking this man. He might have been speaking the truth, but the truth still hurt.

Bane reached down and grabbed his chimichanga, ready to give big munches into the food of Latin kings. His teeth clanged together in front of the chimichanga, caused by the rude interruption of Shizuo Heiwajima.

"Stupid spaghetti!" growled Shizuo, running his chopsticks in the pasta, "It looks like noodles, but it's not! Why can't the Italians call them Tomato Noodles! It makes more sense! Not this spaghetti crap! Angry!"

"Who died and made you King of Italian Cuisine?" growled Bane angrily, "Now stop whining like a little brat and shut up! We are all trying to eat!"

Ban turned around satisfied, ready to eat his chimichanga. He then began to hear a chant of some kind, causing him to sigh in annoyance. Behind him, Shizuo was squeezing the pencil in his hand as he chanted, "Kill, kill, kill, kill," over and over again.

"Really…you want to start something?" Bane hypothetically and rhetorically asked him in silence. With a shrug, Bane said before he got up in a huff to end this situation, "Very well then."

Bane stood in front of Shizuo's table, much to the horror and surprise of many of the Japanese patrons. "Get. Out," growled Shizuo, glaring at the table as he gritted his teeth.

"…Do you think you intimidate me?" scoffed Bane, then pressing his hands on the table and looking down at the man, "I am Bane, not some other punk you can scare off with your pathetic hairdo. I was having a nice lunch, then you kept ruining it by being a stupid little childish pussy. That's right, I called you a pussy. And why did I call you one? Because you are. You are one because you constantly have to play the emotionally stunted anime stereotype that you think is so badass, but it is not, it just makes you look like a tool."

Bane leaned in closer as Shizuo began to tremble, Bane couldn't be sure from what, fear or rage. "And no matter what you do, you will be weaker than me! Weaker than a man who hunts down heroes and breaks them. Mess with me ever again, and I will break you!" With a final screw you, Bane reached out and flicked his finger at Shizuo's pencil, breaking it in half before his very eyes. Patrons of the diner all gasped, as if this was something very new.

Bane did not care, he simply got up and walked to his table. Suddenly, he felt a fork hit his back, entering the skin as he hardly felt a thing. Bane turned around to see Shizuo stand there, glaring at Bane.

"…Don't do that," threatened Bane, turning around and walking away once again. And then, a glass mug slammed against the back of his head. The mastermind sighed and turned around, seeing Shizuo still standing there in rage.

"What is your problem!" growled an enraged Shizuo.

"A wiener like you who can't fight without throwing appliances at me because he's a big fat twat," insulted Bane with as mile on his face.

"You think I can't kick your ass?" hissed Shizuo, his fists so hard they bled.

"Come at me, bro," chuckled Bane, holding his hands out in challenge.

"That's it!" growled Shizuo, stomping towards the cocky masked juggernaut in pure anger, "I'm going to knock that stupid mask off that smug face of-"

Before he could finish, Bane sent his arm back and his mighty fist collided with Shizuo, sending the super-strong bartender into the kitchen with little to no effort. Everyone was shocked, with Bane just chuckling with a crack of his neck. He walked over to his table and took a munch of his chimichanga.

The Man Who Broke The Bat walked to the cashier, laying down a couple hundred pieces of yen. As he walked out the door, he said, "For the chimichanga and the damages, tell pretty boy when he wakes up to get a life and learn to-"

Before he could finish, Shizuo punched him in the back of the head and sent him flying into a semi-truck. The truck fell to its side and it seemed that Bane was defeated. However, Bane simply leaped out of the truck and ran at Shizuo, yelling at the top of his lungs, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

Another punch to the face sent Shizuo tumbling the asphalt, only to pick himself back up and rush at Bane. He jumped up and sent a horizontal kick into Bane's stomach, causing him to tumble back as Shizuo fell on his ass.

Shizuo quickly got up and ran at the masked monster with a battle growl, and soon began pounding fist after fist at Bane. The opponent simply kept blocking them with his arms as he stepped back as Shizuo got closer.

"You can't beat me!" growled Bane, "I am Bane!"

"Who! Cares!" yelled Shizuo, grabbing Bane's arms as he grabbed his. They soon were twirling around, trying to knock the other down on the floor as they both gave each other a death glare that could kill.

Bane growled and pulled Shizuo closer, giving him a hard head butt to the bartender's forehead. This sent Shizuo into a daze as he stepped back and held his hand, only for Bane to rush at him and send flurries of fists into his stomach, chest, and face. For a large man, he was quick.

One strike to the face had Shizuo spitting out blood, with the one known as Bane grabbing his neck and leg and simply lifting him up in the air.

"Now! I break you!" he roared, then kneeling with one leg out as he descended the man down. With an instant, Shizuo's back met with Bane's leg, cracking a bit.

Bane let Shizuo flop on the ground, grunting in pain as apparently Shizuo had a very strong back. He walked away as he limped a bit, shaking his sprained leg a bit.

"Damn that was a strong son of a bitch," he growled out, right before a vending machine flew out and hit Bane's back, sending the man flying out and on the asphalt with the vending machine resting on him. He got up to push the machine off his back, seeing Shizuo standing in the road, still okay and still angry.

"Impossible!" growled out Bane, getting up as he rubbed his back.

"Y'know something…" growled out Shizuo with a demented smile on his face, "I was holding back."

"Baboso!" roared Bane in Spanish, grabbing a nearby car and throwing it at Shizuo with all his might. Shizuo ran at Bane and simply grabbed the car and threw it back at Bane, who was hit in the face by the bumper of it.

He growled as he stepped back, holding his hurt chin, only for it to get more hurt by Shizuo's fist. The strength of it sent Bane ten feet in the air, his clothing still intact however.

As Bane got up, he was grabbed by the collar and lifted up by the raged Shizuo. The Japanese juggernaut glared at Bane as the man groaned in pain. "Now! I break you!"

With that, Shizuo began slamming Bane on the asphalt over and over again, creating cracks and a crater as Bane was as limp as a doll.

"Leave! Me! Alone!" roared Shizuo, throwing Bane into a gas truck, which exploded upon impact. Shizuo stood there with a face of melancholy, looking at the flames from the truck before him.

Shizuo sat down at a nearby bench, his hands limped on his knees as he held his head low, shaking it slightly. With a deep inhale, he exhaled with slight shame.

However, from the flames, he heard a dark chuckle, seeing a dark figure walk out. It was Bane, unharmed from the flames yet covered in bruises and a few bleeding cuts. Shizuo got up, glaring at Bane and standing in the middle of the road.

"Get lost! I won!" growled Shizuo, "I don't want to fight anymore!"

Bane simply laughed heartily at this. "Fool! I am Bane! No one walks away from a challenge against me! You will die! And I will stand over your broken corpse!"

"I! Don't! Want! To! Fight!" yelled Shizuo angrily, "We are done! Go away!"

"There is only one way out of this…" growled Bane, "You know what it is…"

"One of us…dead," growled Shizuo, cracking his knuckles as he gave a death glare at Bane, "But you forget…I just easily fucked you up back there."

"Oh yes…there is another truth that must be revealed," chuckled Bane, reaching out for a device on his chest. It was a green button that had the Venom Symbol on it with a large gear around it, Bane grabbed the gear and began twisting it clockwise.

"The truth is…" said Bane, wheezing a bit, "I was also holding back."

With a third crank, Bane began to growl animalistically. His muscles began to grow larger, his body began to grow larger, his anger began to grow larger. His veins turned bright green as he roared loudly and flexed his arms into the air.

"BAAAANE!" roared the man, growling and snarling as he looked at Shizuo hungrily, towering over the man as he stared at him with little emotion.

"Well, that's new," said Shizuo simply, with Bane roaring and swatting at Shizuo. This swat sent Shizuo through two buildings and into a new street. He got up just as Bane crashed through two other ones, standing there as he glared at Shizuo like a fresh steak, slamming his fists on the ground.

"I WILL BREAK YOU!" roared Bane, rushing at Shizuo as a random train ran through the train tracks between the two because Japan uses trains. Bane simply crashed through it as he lunged at Shizuo, with the bartender-dressed man roaring as he sent a fist at Bane. This caused Bane to flinch slightly as Shizuo kept on slamming his fists at Bane's abdomen over and over again. This did little to Bane as he sent a fist down at Shizuo, who simply dodged the blow as it caused a crater around the beast's fist.

Shizuo jumped up with a Spartan roar and slammed his elbow against Bane's neck, causing the beast to growl in pain. Bane pulled his arm out and punched Shizuo in the stomach, sending him up into a billboard and taking it down with him to another street.

As Shizuo got up from the wreckage, his teeth bleeding and clutching his stomach. "How did this happen?" he growled out.

"YOU PISSED ME OFF! THAT'S HOW!" roared Bane, who was standing on the building overlooking the street. Bane roared as he slammed into the street, glaring at Shizuo as the man got up. He wasn't going down without a fight, and was damn sure not going to let this "luchadore asshole" win.

Bane roared as he lunged at him, with Shizuo slamming his fists in the beast's face. Bane roared and grabbed Shizuo's waist, squeezing him as he laughed madly. Shizuo was slightly annoyed by this, grabbing the pen that stabbed his hand and promptly stabbed Bane's.

Bane roared in pain as he let go of Shizuo, stepping back and cradling the hand as Shizuo jumped at Bane's stomach, knocking him onto the ground. Shizuo Heiwajima got on top of him and began slamming his fists at Bane's head rapidly.

However, Bane quickly grabbed Shizuo's arms and began trying to rip them off. But Shizuo wasn't giving up, glaring at Bane as he struggled to free his arms. The two juggernauts were in a stand still as they struggled with their hate.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may we have your attention please?"

The two stopped to look at a large purple/green stage with a mass of people standing in front of it, apparently appearing out of nowhere. On the stage was Joker, Izaya Orihara, and Hush, sitting on chairs respectively. Joker and Hush were holding microphones as Izaya just sat there smiling.

"Now, we have a song…for Izaya," said the speakers, "Sung by Joker…and Hush…"

Music began to play, a sappy yet calming piano tune as the two villains began to breath in deeply with loving smiles on their faces.

"Izaya, I wish you were my son," sang Hush to Izaya.

"Izaya! I wish you were my son!" sang Joker with admiration for the troll.

The two then reached out and began rubbing Izaya's hair as they sang, "You hairy boy, you need a trim. I'll get you wet for Gotham swim!"

Izaya seemed to not mind this at all, just sitting there with a smile as a creepy clown serial killer and a gun-toting mummy rubbed his hair.

"Izaya, I love you more than him!" sang Joker, nodding his head at Hush. Hush simply shrugged and rolled his eyes, not caring if Joker loved him at all.

"Izaya! I wish you were my son!" sang the two villains proudly, "Izaya! I wish you were my son!"

Then, the three got out of their chairs, with Joker and Hush kneeling next to a standing Izaya. With a wicked smile, Izaya lifted his arms up as Hush and Joker began to sing out to their dream child.

Lights shined down upon the three as the two villains sang to Izaya, holding his arms up to the sky as he smiled down to the audience. The spot he was on had a device that made him twirl around slowly, making the moment all the more beautiful.

The singing stopped, the twirly device stopped, and the three assholes bowed as the audience cried and began applauding to them all.

Bane and Shizuo, frozen in place of their battle, were confused as they tilted their heads at the same time.

"You know those two?" asked Shizuo.

"Yep…" replied Bane, then asking, "You know that kid?"

"…Yep," replied Shizuo.

Batman gives Black Mask a Whitewash

In the middle of winter, in the forests outside of Gotham, was Black Mask and his buddy Mr. Zsasz. In front of them, ten feet away were three snowmen made to look like Batman, Robin, and Batgirl.

The two were throwing snowballs at the three snowmen, laughing madly as each ball hit the snow-caricatures.

"Damn! If only we could do this to the real Bat-Freaks!" laughed Black Mask.

"But with grenades!" added Zsasz.

"There's the Chrimbus spirit!" laughed Black Mask, chucking more snowballs as he yelled out, "Take that Batman! You goddamn bat-freak! You and that gay costume of yours! I hope you trip on that cape of yours and hang yourself! I bet your parents hated you, and that's why you run around in your jammies with little kids that you probably boinked! Loser! Haha!"

"Um, Black Mask," let out Zsasz, staring behind them both as he dropped the snowball in fear.

"Shut up, Zsasz, I'm making fun of Bat-Pedo here!" snapped Black Mask, not looking at Zsasz as he kept on chucking snowballs at the three snowmen. Behind the two, to Black Mask's ignorance and Zsasz's realization, was the trio themselves, staring at the two with little to no amusement.

"And take that Robin! Gay little twerp!" yelled Black Mask, chucking a snowball with a rock in it, then running over and stomping on the Snowrobin, "I'm gonna beat you so hard the Joker's gonna be jealous! That's right! I dissed that Jason Todd twerp right in your face! In! Your! Face! Go eat a dick! I'm the mastermind! HAHA! Pansy!" With that, he then backhands the Batman snowman, the Batsnowman.

"Roman! Shut up!" urged Zsasz, keeping his voice low as he looked back and forth.

"Hold on, Zsasz, I need to show Batgirl who's the boss!" chuckled Black Mask, it is safe to assume he's a little drunk, "Batgirl. Think you're sooo tough that you don't speak…a lot? Baby, I could do so many things to you. Torture, screw, torture again. But let's get to the good part!"

Black Mask then fell on the Snow-Batgirl and began to grind up against it, much to Zsasz's terror.

"Roman! No!" shrieked Zsasz.

"Shut! Up! You'll get a turn!" shouted Black Mask, then saying to the Snow-Batgirl, "Yeah? I just did that…who's the boss now? I am!" He then began punching the snowperson in the face repeatedly, slamming his fists at the snow until it was mush. He breathed in and out and slowly got up, covered in bits of snow.

"So…what did you need to tell me?" asked Black Mask.

Three Minutes Later

Batman was shoving Black Mask's face into the snow as he kicked and screamed, Robin and Batgirl laughing at his plight from the sidelines. Zsasz's feet were seen kicking around in the air as his entire upper body was buried in snow.

Batman laughed as he white-washed Black Mask, the snow entering Black Mask's nostrils and mouth as he was feeling the icy pain of it all.

From the muffled pain, he yelled out, "Enough! Enough!"

"Oh no, Roman!" laughed Batman, "We're not done with you! Batgirl! Get the Bat-Paddle!"

Batgirl pulled from the trunk of the Bat mobile a large wooden paddle painted black with a bat-symbol created from the holes. Robin entered the car and turned on the song, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Alice Cooper and turned it up to eleven.

Batgirl ran over, knelt down and began spanking Black Mask, much to his anger and embarrassment.

"Who's the boss now?" laughed Batman, holding Black Mask down as he continued to white wash and Batgirl paddled him like a bad school boy, "Who's the boss now? Not you!"

Batgirl stopped and Batman pulled Black Mask to his feet, with snow in the eye sockets. "Now, get lost! Or we're gonna throw snowballs at you! Batsnowballs!" threatened Batman darkly. Black Mask picked the snow out of his sockets angrily, with Robin creeping behind him with a handful of snow in his hands, sporting a mischievous smile.

"You don't treat Black Mask like this!" he growled out, "I'll show youOH MY GOD!" He had a massive amount of snow down his pants by the Boy Wonder, causing all of the Bat-family to laugh in uproar.

"Now get outta here!" mocked Batman, then smacking the back of Black Mask heartlessly.

Black Mask groaned in misery as he walked away like he took a big dump in his pants. "I'll get back at you jerks!" growled Black Mask, "You'll be sorry! You'll get yours! YOU'LL GET YOURS!" With that, Black Mask disappeared as he sniffled with shame.

Batman, Robin, and Batgirl both laughed at him, watching him run away with fingers pointing at him. Zsasz was still kicking his legs, trying to get out as muffled screams could be heard. There was a hungry muskrat in there with him.

Back with the Two Muscle-heads

Both Bane and Shizuo were sitting at a sushi bar, eating a large plate of calamari together as they sat next to each other.

"Look, I just want to apologize for that whole…thing," let out Shizuo, "I didn't mean to ruin your lunch. I get angry sometimes over small little things."

"Apology accepted," said Bane with a smile, "Besides, it was really my fault, I shouldn't have been so harsh with you. If I didn't act like a complete jerk back there, this whole thing wouldn't have been such an issue."

"Nah, nah, I'm sure someone else would have said something about it," said Shizuo with a sigh, "Maybe it was best you said something and instead of someone who might have just gotten smashed like an orange."

"True, but I still should have picked my words more carefully," defended Bane humbly, "And to show my apology is sincere, I will pay for our dinner!"

"Thanks, you're alright Bane," chuckled Shizuo in friendship. In the back, the pale dark-haired girl known only as Erika Karisawa was already writing in her notepad a Bane/Shizuo slashfic. The thought of it caused drool to drip down her mouth.

When all seemed happy and fine, Bane and Shizuo both reached down for the last piece of calamari. Both their hands touched and they both glared at each other.

Their eyes locked on to each other, both not gazing away as they both glared. One of them was going to have that sushi, and they both felt entitled for it.

And this looked like a perfect friendship. Or in Erika's case, a side-ship.

The Banana Slug: Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean that really got out of hand fast!

Sorry if I got Shizuo's personality a bit off, but this IS a crackfic and I DID say there will be moments of OOC.

Anyway, the song Joker and Hush sing for Izaya is a little ditty called "A Song for Deevee" sung by Tim & Eric in their Chrimbus Special. I chose it and rearranged the lyrics because it seemed so perfect really.

The story with Black Mask was inspired by a cover of the Batman comics which had a couple of mobsters throwing snowballs at snowmen of Batman and Robin, which the two crime-fighters just found out the little crap they pulled. :D

And now! It's time for…BATMAN CONFIDENTIALS!

Name: Bane

Voice Actor: Danny Trejo (Funny story, I always pictured Bane being voiced by Trejo way before Young Justice was even conceived. How messed up is that?)

Description: Without the Venom he is muscularly skinny, with dark skin, covered in scars, and is about eight feet tall. With the Venom, his muscles grow at least a foot thick, his veins turn bright glowing green, and he is thirteen feet tall. He has a device on his chest that is a green button with the biohazard symbol on it, which is surrounded by this gear-like knob. He activates his Venom by pushing the button and twisting the knob for the desired amount of venom (three is how he gets into that berserk mode you see). He wears a black wife-beater, long black jeans, and a large black leather belt with the Venom symbol on the buckle. He also wears black fingerless gloves, black combat boots, and of course, his mask. It is a scary black-leather mask that has white face pattern on the front, along with red glaring goggles for eyes and a zipper for his mouth, revealing his shiny teeth. (Since this is a cartoon in my mind, the zipper will move as he talks, because this is my world, not yours. |:] )

Likes: Breaking backs, Screwing with the Batman, Mexican food, Pepsi, Tatertots, Rob Zombie movies, Mint, and Being the ultimate warrior (more so than the Ultimate Warrior)

Dislikes: Being defeated, Batman, Joker, Being played, and, apparently, Shizuo Heiwajima