"So… have a nice fuck?" It's how I'm greeted by my roommate as I open the door and enter our apartment.
"Quoi?" I ask confused, while struggling to close the door and maintain my grip on the grocery bags that I collected on the way home.
Olivia remains on the couch, but spins her head to look at me. "Oh no! Don't quoi me!" She jokes. "You've left too many clues to be able to get away with it."
I'm frozen looking at her from the doorstep, the bags heavy in my arms. Olivia gets up to relieve me of a portion of them and walks in direction of the kitchen. I follow her silently. Once there, she sets the groceries on the counter, picks up the baguette, and aims it at me.
"See!" She says, a smile pulling at her lips. "I don't recall the very French bread from this morning. Plus, in four years living together is the first time you've left your bed unmade."
I don't know why I even start to consider finding another explanation, but I do. At least until I realize that it's useless. Is not like I could fool my friend and even if I could, what would that accomplish? And why should I want to keep the truth from her? So, I remain silent and start to put the groceries away.
"Delphine." Olivia softly demands my attention when she notices that I won't say anything.
I stop what I'm doing and stare at her for a long moment, my lower back against the counter. But soon I'm lowering my head and crossing the arms over my chest.
"Don't tell me that, after all that shit, you didn't like it." My roommate seems to misinterpret my reaction.
"I think the problem is exactly the opposite." I say, letting my arms hang along my sides and look at Olivia.
She snorts. "How is that a problem?"
I turn back around and open a drawer, removing a knife from it and with a sharp blow, slice an end of the baguette. Next I move to the fridge and take the butter out, which I spread on the bread.
"Is it because of Kate?" This time my roommate gets it right.
"What else?" I comment before taking a generous bite.
"They're still together." Olivia says, following my example and starting to prepare a snack of her own.
"One would be tempted to assume." I say bitterly. "Since that's the reason Cosima came over in the first place."
Olivia swallows fast what she has in her mouth. "Wow… whoa… Hold on!" She's waving her hands energetically. "What do you mean? That's why she came over?"
"Exactly that!" I put the butter back in the fridge and take some milk out in the process. "Cosima came here to say that she wants to make things work with Kate." I fill two glasses and return the milk to the fridge. "Ipsis verbis."
Olivia opens her mouth but says nothing, putting a thoughtful expression instead. After a big gulp of the milk she seems ready. "How did that conversation end up in your bed?"
"I don't know…" I shrug. "An incredible amount of stupidity, I think."
"Ohhh okay…" My friend twitches her lips and I can see she's trying to hide a laugh. "And Cosima's of the same same idea after… hmm… that happened?"
I put what's left of the bread in my mouth and wash it down with the rest of the milk. "I don't know." I shrug again.
"You didn't talk about it!?" Olivia almost shouts her surprise.
I give a weak smile along with my weak defense. "Well… we did talk about talking about it."
"Ohhh… That's so much better." She says sarcastically, hot on my heels as I move to the living room.
I sit on the couch. "Kate was waiting for her. They left together."
"And you let her?" Olivia's voice maintains the loud volume.
"What?" I raise my voice as well. "What am I supposed to do? Make a scene and beg her not to go? I'm not gonna do that, Olivia!" I continue, finally finding some fire inside me. "Cosima needs to want it! She's the one who needs to make her move. I've made my intentions clear."
"Did you?" Olivia weirdly asks.
I huff and give her a are you shitting me? look.
My friend's eyes seem to ease. "I see your logic." She admits nodding, sounding much calmer. "But… did you tell her that's what you want? Did you ask her to leave Kate?"
"C'mon Olivia, you know I can't ask that of her." I answer quietly.
"Why not?" She raises her hands. "Isn't that what you want?"
My eyes drop to stare at my hands, wrapped around each other. "It is." I reply lowly. "But I shouldn't ask for it. It's Cosima's decision."
"Right!" Olivia says, finally sitting down next to me. "I get that. But you should tell her what you want… you know… for good measure. Allow her that knowledge as she considers what she wants."
I meet my best friend's gaze and, for the first time, give voice to my fears; let them loose upon the world. "What if she says no, Olivia? What if Cosima tells me that she won't leave Kate? What then?"
Olivia's eyes abandon mine and she drops her head while her shoulders sink in. In no time I'm mimicking her position. The realization that I've reached the point of no return weighing heavily on our shoulders.
In a freshly made bed, sleep doesn't come easy. The day's events pull constantly at my conscience. Memories of Cosima's touch on my skin mingle with fears of impending doom. Olivia is right, of course. I should tell Cosima that I have no intention of being a fling. More than that, I need to tell her that if she wants to have anything else with me, Kate needs to go… permanently. However, knowing what I need to do, doesn't make doing it any easier.
The connection I feel when I'm with Cosima - either this morning or any other time we're together - can't be one sided. It would be impossible, that much I know. I could feel the bond between us in the way she touched me; I still feel it every time she looks at me. Even when we are at our worst, there's always something there, something indescribable, but felt deeply, tugging at my soul. A comprehension beyond reason, unable to reach an explanation because logic has nothing to do with it.
Still, doubt fills my mind. Is what we have stronger than what she seems to share with Kate? Is our bond tighter? Is it enough for Cosima to abandon something she knows and, apparently, feels comfortable with?
Whatever it is they have must be incredibly powerful if Cosima didn't falter in getting back with Kate upon her return. Or was it like Olivia said? Was the fact that I pushed Cosima too hard in the past the main reason why she so easily fell back into Kate's arms? Am I ultimately responsible for this situation?
I'm not prone to self pity nor one to wallow in guilt. Perhaps that's why I refuse to accept that. I accept the way I dealt with Cosima from the start might have something to do with the fact that Kate so easily regained her place in the cocky girl's life. But it couldn't be just that. Not on its own. There must be something else there. I just wish I had the nerve to ask.
But let's be honest. I don't even have the guts to ask Cosima about us; although I'm apparently not alone in that particular issue. How am I going to ask her about Kate?
Even though both issues seem to be connected, that may not necessarily be true. The fact is, that for Cosima and I to move forward, the idea of Kate and her hold over Cosima must be understood and…dealt with. But I still believe that it's something Cosima needs to do on her own, that I shouldn't be the reason she leaves Kate. It must be something that she does for herself, a decision that should come from her for her own benefit.
After a night without sleep, I'm feeling exhausted and nowhere near a solution. The shower does very little to relax my mind, nor does the large a cup of coffee makes a dent in my splitting headache. I don't know how long I take to reach campus, since the notion of time evaporates, but when I pass through the door, I realize that I have an hour before my class and I decide to spend it in the library.
My class consists of two grueling hours listening to the professor going over a tiresome amount of powerpoint presentations. I don't know what Cosima's schedule looks like, but she's not in this class - lucky her - and the hours drag on. Fighting not only to pay attention and keep my eyes open, I jump when I see my fellow students packing their things and get up to leave.
The thirty minutes I have to kill, I spend them in the cafeteria staring out the window. The sky is gray; heavy clouds announcing a rain that won't fall. There's a cool breeze reminding us that summer can't last forever, and that soon enough we'll need to leave the house sheltered beneath our umbrellas.
Distracted, I lose track of time, and by the time I reach the lab, it's five minutes pass the hour. I'm surprised to not see Cosima, and it's only then that I remember the keycard in my purse. The new arrangement not a done deal in my mind.
It's almost twenty minutes later when I'm forced to leave my work to open the door for Cosima.
"Just because I have the key, it doesn't mean you get to arrive late." I quip lightly.
"Sorry, big boss!" Cosima doesn't notice my jovial tone and answers harshly, not giving me a straight stare.
"I was joking." I explain. "But that doesn't mean I'm not serious." My expression getting a bit more severe.
"What are you gonna do?" Cosima challenges. "Tell Dr. Ford to gain some more points?"
I breathe deeply. "Must I remind you that you're the one who created this situation?" I get back to my station and try to focus on what I was doing before. "I didn't ask for this."
"But you didn't do anything to stop it either." She rapidly replies.
"Why should I?" My eyes go back to her and I see her moving around, getting her things in order.
"I was trying to help you." Cosima says.
I laugh bitterly. "Oh c'mon, Cosima! You were trying many things, but helping me was not your primary motivation."
"Believe what you want." She slices her hands through the air, signaling the end of the discussion.
This time I concede, more because I don't want to get into a fight than because I agree with her. Although I know that I'm absolutely right this time, I'll let Cosima deal with this her own way. I won't push the subject again, but I won't let her have her way if she continues to act like this is my fault. However, today I'm too tired to be dragged into this. Truth is, had she caught me in a day I was feeling a little bit more human…
"I missed you." Her soft voice cuts into my thoughts.
I look at her with blinking eyes. "Are you kidding me?"
She raises her hands. "What? I did!"
"I can't believe you just said that after accusing me of undermining you." I clarify, even though I can't imagine why she thought I needed to.
"What does one thing have to do with the other?" Cosima asks, her brow raised.
"Seriously?!"
"What?"
"Because… you can't do that, Cosima!" I sigh loudly and raise my hands to tangle in my curls. "You can't piss me off one moment and the say something like that." I have no idea why my words compel her to smile.
"Why not?"
"It's confusing." I let out exasperated. "It leaves me wondering what it is that you want."
"You want to know what I want?" Cosima's voice is low and breathy, a tone that draws a light shiver down my spine as she slowly walks towards me.
"There are few things I want more." I answer without thinking, my eyes glued to her petite form as she stops in front of me.
Cosima chuckles. "And what do you want more?" She teases, her hands moving to rest on my hips.
I don't push her away, but I capture her hands with my own and make her look at me. "I mean it." I say when she meets my gaze. "You can't just expect me to let go of things this easily."
"Because I haven't." She deduces, her features closing slightly.
"No, Cosima. Because it's worthless." I raise my hand to her cheek and brush my knuckles on the smooth skin I find there. "Because it comes back to us."
Her lips are a thin line and she nods. "I see." Cosima mumbles. But she's taking a step back; proving the contrary.
I didn't say it for her to stay away; just the opposite. I meant for us to move closer; to end this vicious cycle we seem to be trapped in. How is it possible to feel this strong for someone and have so many communication problems?
"Do you really?" I push, my hands flying to her face so we can look eye to eye. "Do you truly understand what I'm saying? Don't you see that the words we say to each other - that we've already spoken - can never be taken back. That they forge us and affect how we relate to each other. They build us, you and me, as individuals and influence how we act around each other and others." I press on while her eyes never leave my face, her expression acquiring a solemn quality.
"Cosima, I just need you to understand that building upon harsh words makes for a longer, more difficult path." I keep going, pulling her face next to mine, as if the closeness could help her comprehend it better. "At least let us take that lesson from what has happened between us."
I feel tears of frustration and exhaustion sting my eyes that I try to swallow down, but it's useless. The emotional overload finally catches up with me, and I don't know if it's the ferocity of the last few days or if it's the culmination of everything that has happened in the last months. Either way, something inside me snaps, and I feel the weight of it crashing down on me.
Cosima surges forward and I feel her warm lips capturing the tears as they stream down my face, her comforting hands around my neck, pulling me towards her.
"I get it, Delphine." She whispers between gentle kisses on my cheeks, my lips, my eyelids, nothing is left untouched by her persistent lips. "It will be alright, I promise."
I shake my head slowly. "Don't make promises, Cosima, please."
Cosima doesn't ask why this time; she doesn't have to. As I look into her hot brown eyes, her expression says everything; that she completely understands the veracity of my plea. And while she doesn't say anything to ease my mind, she does pull me into a tight embrace.
I don't know how long we remain like this, I don't really care. Not when I feel soothing arms wrapped around me and every deep breath she pulls on the base of my neck.
From Cosima's workstation I hear a buzz coming and I know that our time together is over. With a shaky breath I shut my eyes forcefully, preparing for the inevitable parting. I loosen the grip I have on her, but Cosima only tightens our embrace, refusing to acknowledge the sound, she buries her face in my neck. Eventually the sound stops and a loaded silence grows between us.
She raises her head and meets my eyes. "I want to see you later." Cosima says, her right hand going to my face to tenderly caress my cheek.
"I have no intention to go anywhere tonight." I answer her with a tentative smile. "So you know where I'll be."
"Well… yeah." Her expression relaxes a little. "But will you open the door for me?"
It's not hard to grasp the innuendo behind her words. However, the fact that she isn't presumptuous in assuming that I will easily fall prey to her has me smiling wider. It's with the smile still on my lips that I brush them on hers.
"Mmm… that's a yes, right?" Cosima playfully asks.
Leaving the building I don't stop to look around, I quickly walk away, deliberately avoiding my eyes to wander to where I know Cosima has someone waiting for her. Someone I know will be spending time with her, talking and smiling, perhaps there will be some laughs, some kisses… and that's when I force my mind to stop.