It's okay…Its' okay,
But, is it really okay?
I don't know how much longer I can fake a smile,
Pretend that I'm not aching or depressed.
I feel as though I need to keep strong and positive, but this emptiness seems to be too great for me to handle.
Everything seems so heavy on my shoulders.
You and I may have not had the chance to meet, but…
At least I got to have a glimpse of the little piece of heaven I once held,
Hold you in my arms and think about the things we could have done;
The person you might have been…
It may bring me sadness sometimes, make me cry or smile, but I know that there was something there. Even if it didn't make it, I know the feeling that you gave me…
I shall cherish this feel forever,
Remember the emotions you caused me: happy, sad, sick and hopeless.
But, the most important thing is…
I will never forget you.
I woke up with an emptiness in my stomach, and an aching in my heart. Instead of seeing Ichigo or my brother when I awoke, I met the eyes of Mashiro; her worried and sad eyes.
She didn't need to tell me the news, I already knew with the emptiness in my stomach, there was no warmth or movement in my soul; it was gone, the baby is gone.
Looking at her green scrubs with slight bloody marks my eyes flickered. "Rukia", she told me as she cleaned her glasses and placed them back on her face. "We had to remove the baby", the grim look in her eyes caused me to bow my head. "I'm sorry to tell you that…that we couldn't safe the baby, but—"she stopped herself when the silent tears stormed down my cheeks.
"Rukia?"I wiped away the tears from my eyes quickly with my wrist. The hatred of crying in front of people eating my mind, but the pain of losing my child picking at my heart.
"What happened?" I sniffled through my sorrow. "Why did I miscarry?"
Mashiro turned her head to the side like she was shamed for what she was about to say. "We found a tumor", I perked up quickly for the news. "A massive tumor along your lung, a smaller one in your abdomen and we need to have an x-ray done to see how many there are", she explained. "But the baby was lost due to nature causes in the fetus, there was nothing that you could have done".
I placed a hand on my ribcage and then to my heart. "How much longer do I have to suffer this pain?" I whispered to myself. "Is it for amusement? Maybe my pain is something that makes the heavens smile and laugh, perhaps I'm the jokester of angels", I muttered.
When the doctor noticed the dull look in my eyes she shifted in her chair, and looked over to the door; Ichigo was probably out there waiting for me to allow him inside. At the moment, I didn't want to see anyone. I want to disappear and vanish from this planet. I want all this crap to be over: the cancer, chemo, tumors, drugs, symptoms, disadvantages and diagnosis. Everything needs to fuck off!
Her eyes went to the monitor as the line began to move faster and violently, as my rage made my body shake and fist clench. Standing from her seat quickly she rushed over to my bed in a frantic worry, when she looked into the shadowing of my bang, there were no words exchanged. "…Rukia-san" breath hitched and eyes glued on my face she leaned in slowly.
"….Gomai'nas" her arms wrapped around me and she pulled me into her body. I felt her head on my shoulder and breath softly moving my hospital gown. "Gomai'" she replied.
I hesitated before wrapping my arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace and burying my face into her shoulder. Tears started to form before I choked them back for the sake of my pride, but it didn't seem to work, and at the end the salty liquid soaked her clothing and touched her skin.
There were too many things that were wandering in my mind at the time: could I ever have children? What will happen to me and Ichigo? Would our relationship change because of this? Will he still love me? What's going to happen to me?
But all those questions couldn't take my mind off the pain my chest, and the feeling of being hollow. The feeling of being a whole had disappeared and emptiness left an echo on my soul like non-other.
"Listen...If you and Ichigo want to see your baby still, I can let you hold it", she offered.
Shocked slightly I looked at the doctor with wide eyes. "I can?" I whispered as tear dripped down my cheeks.
"Hai, I think you and Ichigo would like to meet your child at least" she smiled before looking to the door. "He's been out there weeping and worrying about you, no one can get a word out of him, and none of my nurses can get him to answer a simple question. Personally, I've never seen a man so tattered about this", I stared at the door and could imagine Ichigo in a chair: clenching his teeth trying to play it tough. "It's quiet touching", Mashiro sighed before sadly patting my head.
As she went to the door, I thought about the pain in my heart and started to wonder if Ichigo was feeling the same pain. "Mashiro…" I spoke making her look over to me quickly. "…Tell him that he can come inside", barely able to tell her I looked down to my lap and tried to ignore the little voice in the back of head telling me: not to let the doctor inside and to hide my feelings.
But, I knew I couldn't do that to Ichigo, I love him too much to let him grieve alone. No one should grieve alone. I learned that from my sister: 'Grieving is the first steps to accepting. Tears heal all wounds and there is never a time for someone to grieve alone; you calm the rain for many with a single word or embrace, but never believe you are alone for the worse things in life'.
My eye stared at the heart monitor as the thin green-line bounced up and down in rhythm. As I waited for Ichigo to enter the room, I didn't want to instantly make eye-contact with the doctor nor did I want to show him the fake smile I would want to give him. It would all be too painful for him.
When the click of the springs entered the room, I held my breath and noticed the line slowly quicken then die down again.
He didn't say a word as he closed the door and slowly made his way to my bed side. I looked at him as he sat down. Leaning over his knees and keeping his eyes in the darkness of his hair, I closed my eyes and bowed my head. I felt like a failure but I shouldn't be only thinking about myself, I have him to think about as well.
Ichigo may seem like a tough, intimidating, strong, emotionless, and crude man but the truth is; he is known of those things. He is sensitive, understanding, supportive, weak, and easily hurt.
I noticed the shaking in his shoulders and couldn't take it any longer.
Leaning over from my bed, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer. He was silent for the motion, tense like my brother would have been at the time, but I could hear him trying to hide his tears. "Don't try and hide them…" I whispered into his bright locks. "It's okay—…It's okay to cry, Ichigo", I told him. "You're not alone, I'm hurting too, Ichigo. You're not alone…" I tightened my embrace and he slowly lifted his arms to hug me back.
Nearly gasping when he hugged me tightly and the sounds of muffled cries entered my ear, I buried my face into the nap of his neck and allowed the tears to leave my eyes. I grasped his white t-shirt tightly in my palms, nearly ripping the fabric to pieces, and pressed my body tightly again him. I didn't want to let him go.
"…Rukia, Gomai—"he tried.
Hiccupping loudly I pulled away from the doctor and looking into his red eyes. "You gave me something that nobody else could give me, don't apologize….but…Thank you", I told him as I wiped my tears from my cheeks and tried to smile.
Ichigo cupped my cheek softly before pulling me back into his arms. Inhaling his scent I closed my eyes and squeezed the pain away, I should be grateful for the experience I had, but there was a selfish side of me that wanted more out of it.
Mashiro entered the room causing my eyes to look over, and Ichigo to loosen his hold. She was silent as she held the tiny blanket in her hands, and looked down at the tiny infant.
I moved over slightly for Ichigo to sit on the bed, he followed my offer and sniffled softly as the baby was placed in my arms. "Careful", she whispered as she placed the baby in my arms.
Looking down at the tiny body I nearly broke out in tears; it was so small, almost the same size of my hand, its little fingers were barely formed and its' nose looked like a button.
"It's a boy", I tensed and looked over to Mashiro who looked at the two of us. "You had a boy", she whispered before heading to the door.
"Arigatou…Mashiro", Ichigo told the doctor as she left the room.
Ichigo laid his head on my shoulder as stared down at our son, his still body like stone and tiny form. "You were right", he whispered. "We were going to have a son".
I looked over to the doctor and buried my nose into his hair, unsure on what to say or do at the time. Deep down I wanted to laugh but laughter seemed like a sick twisted joke.
"…You would have been a great dad", I found myself saying.
In my heart I could see Ichigo playing football in the backyard with the little boy who looked just like him: tanned skin, bright orange locks, and amber sun eyes. They would laugh and run around, he would lift him up, throw him up in the air and so much more.
"You think so?" he smiled down at the infant before using his finger to stroke the baby's head softly.
A soft chuckle came from my lips when he placed his finger in the middle of the baby's hand. "Yeah, I do".
"He looks like he was going to have your nose", he smiled. I blinked softly before touching the tiny forming nose, it did seem to look like mine. Ichigo kissed my hair softly before inhaling my scent. "You would've been an amazing mom, I know you would" I heard him whisper.
Tears came to my eyes as I thought about being a mom, it was a distance dream now, but a happy thought at the same time. Ichigo pulled me once again for a hug, and whispered sweet comments in my ear about: how it's going to be okay, he'll always be here for me, we'll get through this and that he understands.
I tried to hold back a loud sobbing sound but couldn't.
His embrace gave me comfort and relief, but there was something that still hurt my heart that would take time.
"Its' okay, it's okay", he sniffed.
I pulled away and held the baby closely to my heart. "H-H-He was so beautiful", I mumbled as I looked at the little boy. "I bet he was going to look like you…" I trailed off.
For a while we sat there holding the baby, talking about the things that could have been and what we could have done as a family. We laughed together, cried for the distant dream, and held the little person who we loved.
When Mashiro came back into the room she took the baby. I and Ichigo stayed together in silence comforting each other with touch; both with red noses, eyes and tear stained cheeks.
Later Mashiro made me go through several different machines, seeing as she wanted so many test and pictures done, a sense of terror settled in my heart. I figured: this is the end for me.
I don't want to seem negative but, when a doctor instantly calls you for more test either its' bad news or the machinery is broken and results as uncertain. But, in my case, there was only one option floating in my head: the worse of worse, the end of all the treatments and possibilities.
By my cat-scan I think Ichigo got the hint since he kept saying: everything is going to be okay. You would think that by now, I know everything isn't going to be okay, it's only going to get worse for me. Chemotherapy is no joking manner, it sucks big time, it worse than cancer itself. But then again, dying slowly and watching others go on is much worse than being nauseous and losing your hair.
I always wondered who would lose our hair first: my brother or I.
Seems like Byakuya is going to have to wait for a wig.
At least it was good while it lasted right? I might be young, unexperienced in many things but I think I lived a long life for a woman cursed with cancer.
I glanced over to Ichigo as he looked out the window of the hospital, his eyes staring out to the night sky as rain poured down the glass. Rain…. How he hates the rain.
He's been quiet silence since seeing the baby but, there isn't much to say when you see something like that. Well, at least we got to see the little person who never met, usually couples/partners don't. I think Mashiro allowed such since it would give us a little hope to keep going, also it would take the guilt away.
"Remember how we acted before dating?" I suddenly mentioned with a chuckle.
I could recall all the times I pushed the surgeon away and tried to distant myself from him, but Ichigo didn't give-up and kept fighting for me. Such a persistent bastard, that for sure.
He turned with a slight smile: "How could I forgot your stubborn midget ass? I tried everything: compliments, dates, a helping hand… I even pulled out my smolder", he laughed. "But, you still didn't want to go out with me—"
"I didn't want you to get sucked into the complications of cancer" a sigh graced my lips as I looked into his ambers eyes. "But, look at us now… together and your still an idiot".
"I'm smarter than you".
"Like hell, Baka"
A smirk playing on his lips he walked over to my bed side as I sat up. "Don't taunt me, Elf"
Feeling the tick-mark forming on my forehead I glared at the smart-ass ready to hit him but restraint myself. We've had enough pain tonight, he doesn't need my abuse. "Keep it up, cry-baby lion".
"Will do, Sardine" he brushed my hair softly as he adjusted my bed.
Knock.
Knock.
Knock.
Those must be the results.
"Hai, Mashiro" Ichigo called out to the doctor.
When the door opened she stood with her clipboard tight to her chest, and glossed eyes like she was upset.
Ah, so this is it, huh? Kami, you are definitely torture for a god. But, hey, at least I got something done on that bucket list of mine.
Closing the door slowly she pressed her lips firmly trying to keep composer.
Ichigo seemed to understand the woman's silence but till seemed anxious, I could tell by the alert bursts of amber in his eyes.
Waiting in the thick silence I grinned softly before sighing. "R-R-Rukia-san", she tried when she noticed the grin on my face.
Shadowing my eyes with my hair to conceal my tears I chuckled slightly. "It's alright, it's alright…"trailing off with the thoughts of my sister and her battle. "I'll just make the last little time I have the best, right?"
"Rukia…"slightly shocking Ichigo I nodded my head as an accepting gesture.
"Gomen….Rukia-san, its' terminal this time" Mashiro finally managed to stomach.
"Terminal…" Ichigo repeated.
I can't listen to this anymore…I can't take it anymore?! God dammit! Why me?
Why…?
The two nearly panicked when I stood from the bed. "…I've had enough…" I chuckled under my breath. Mashiro's shoulders shrunk as I grabbed the I.V and dragged it behind me.
"Rukia-san, it's bes—"she tried.
I continued on my way to the door, Ichigo didn't follow just watched as the doctor stood in front of me. "Rukia-san", she firmly spoke.
Move…Move…Move… Move!
"Move!" I snapped.
"As your doctor I must stop you when you are going to do something that is going to harm your health", arguing with my protest she stood in front of the door, arms open and glasses on the bridge of her nose. "I know it seems bad but we can try—"
"I have had enough!" shoulders shaking and tears whipping through the air as I wiped them away, I sobbed. "I…I've had…enough" I whimpered.
Mashiro remained silent as I crumbled in front of her. "Please, don't give up" she pleaded. "You've been fighting for so long and look what you have accomplished!" the fire in her eyes brightened as she tightened her hold on my arms. "You have a life: job, family and someone that loves you" spinning me around to look at Ichigo her nails dug into my skin. "Look at him! I won't let you run away from what you have now. I know it seems like everything is over, but…but it's not! Don't run away when you have a man whose here and willing to fight with you, dammit!" she snapped.
"Mashiro…" I looked over to see the tears storming down her cheeks.
"K…Kensei…" she squeaked.
"Who's Kensei?" I dared to ask the weeping woman.
"…I was in Kurosaki-kun's shoes once. I didn't just wake up one day and want to work with cancer patients…"
(Flashback)
She watched his chest raise and fall while he slept. His short white hair tousled slightly as he turned, lips parted and face dripping in sweat due to fever.
The young woman watched her husband sleep not knowing when she'll be able to see him again. For all she knows, this could be the last time she'll every see him. "Kensei…" she whispered as she held his hand.
She had met her husband when they were kids, grew-up together and taught each other things. He protected her no-matter-what, she always thought it would that way, even when they got married. She thought her hero would be with her till the ends of time.
But, three years after getting married he started to get sick: fever, chills, hot flashes, vomiting, dizzy-spells and exhaustion. At first he told her everything was fine, she wanted to believe him but it was too risky; she took him to the hospital where they found out….Kensei had terminal cancer.
At first he fought the illness with all he had and she never left his side.
Every doctor's appointment, surgery, chemotherapy, support group and more; she was there for everything. Eventually, the doctors' though everything was getting better till he collapsed.
Later that day, they found a large tumor in his brain, cancerous and growing. There was nothing they could do, no one would touch the tumor nor wanted to take the blame if he died during surgery.
The husband and wife, had to come to terms that this was the end. She would be alone at the end of this, her hero would vanish from her sights.
"Kensei…" she whispered as tears ran down her cheeks, enable to say more than his name.
"Kuna, I don't feel like fighting anymore" he told her. "I've had enough of this".
Her eyes widened for her lovers words, she never thought he would give up. But, she had enough too: all the needles, surgeries, endless fevers and chills, hearing stories about cancer and more. It's too much. "It's…" she started. "…O…Okay" tired of seeing her love suffer in such pain, she agreed.
"Let's just… enjoy that last few moments I have left, okay?" his grey eyes shimmered while he looked at the green haired woman and her sweet face.
"Okay…"
Next spring she lost her husband to cancer and that summer she started her journey to becoming someone who can help cancer patients. She didn't want anyone else to suffer or give-up like her love. She wanted a happy ending for those with the illness…. She didn't want them to live the life she and Kensei had after facing terminal cancer.
(flashback ended)
Giving up seemed like the perfect resolve but again, I knew it wasn't. Even though, I'm tired, sick and broken… I can't just give up. My sister would be sick if I did, and my parents would be disappointed.
"Fine…" muttering while I looked down at the sobbing doctor. "…I just need sometime".
Mashiro nodded as I walked over her and into the hallway.
The hospital lights seemed brighter and cold floor like winters tears. Everything seems worse than before.
I walked down the hallway, hospital gown slowly swaying in my step and eyes hidden in the shadow of my bangs; not wanting to be seen. The tears in my eyes harbored and ready to sail, but the crackling in my heart echoing like a fog-horn.
I don't understand.
I did everything right, I've never done anything bad or asked for too much…yet again, I'm back in this situation… but this time there's Ichigo.
There's so much more for him in this world: less heart-break, a woman who's stable and healthy… the complete opposite of me. I should let him go now, before this gets' worse and he becomes another causality to the explosion.
I should have but I didn't, I couldn't put myself to do it, even though I know it was best for him. I still wanted the brilliant surgeon around, every fiber of his soul and heart. Maybe I should just let myself rot alone and allowed him to live a normal life.
Pressing my head against the cold glass of the window, I sighed heavily from: stress, sadness and doubt.
Why can't I just be free? I thought everything was going to be bright, that I would finally get my dream of being a normal woman… that all crumbled in a matter of a few hours.
I wonder how Ichigo feels, he's been through a lot since we started dating: falling for me, fighting to have me, finding out about my cancer, seeing me go through chemo, then losing the baby and now, terminal cancer.
He's strong, I know that, but: how strong can he be?
Ichigo isn't going to show his emotions, you have to break down the walls brick-by-brick until you find the weeping boy in the dark. He's been like that forever.
Mashiro is right.
I can't think about myself right now, I need think about the man I've dragged through hell.
"I've dragged you through enough", noticing his reflection in the window I looked up. The outside world glowing in his reflection and his expression stoned on his face. "I shouldn't have made that request—"
"Rukia do—"he tried.
"Ichigo" I snapped with a stern look. "… I never meant for that bucket list request to go this far", nearly squeaking with every word, I tried to hold back my tears and tell him. "I should have seen this coming… I should have" I repeated. "… To be honest, I thought doing everything on my bucket list would help me accept death… that…that everything would be okay if I died…" he stood still as he watched my walls fall.
I wiped my tears quickly and tried to gather the rest of my composer. "… I never intended to drag you through this hell… through this rollercoaster of cancer".
There so much more for him.
I turned and looked at the surgeon three feet away from me: eyes red like cherries, tears dripping from my chin and lips quivering as I pressed them together. "….I'm sorry" I whispered "…I'm sorry for all of this".
Lungs tired and exhausted, I fell to the floor with a sobbing hitch. The words: I'm sorry, repeating from my lips and loud crying filling the hallway. I didn't want this… I didn't.
In the mist of my sorrow he squatted down in front of my fallen form and squished my cheeks together like a pucker-fish. "Baka" his strong voice sounded like sweet music. "Stop it already".
I looked up slowly.
The small smile on his lips seemed sincere. "I saw you naked and agreed to the list, remember?" he's right. "I signed up for this ride, you never forced me to" what is he saying? He lifted my chin slowly as his dazzling orbs stared into my breaking soul, I could hear the pieces of my heart slowly being put together in his glaze. "Falling in love with you is just a perk to that contract I signed".
He pulled me into his body, I didn't resist or fight. "If this rollercoaster of emotions is the ride I have to endure to be with you…" he trailed off. "Then, I never want it to end".
Hey there guys, well the wait is finally over and I'm on break. So, there should be more updates to come.
I apologize if the whole baby situation was a little much for some of you guys, but I thought it would be best to at least let you guys know what the infant might have been. Also, I think the two parents needed some closure since they'll be dealing with terminal cancer. Tell me what you think. Seriously, it helps me a lot when it comes to this stuff, I'm not experienced but I've seen documentaries about hospitals doing that so the parents have some closure and know, there's still hope for a brighter future.
So, regarding to notifications, I haven't been receiving any and I don't know if you guys are getting them or not. I did update: Sakura Ai, and well, nothing is really happening and I'm not getting any emails. Not sure why, but I'll be updating that story really soon too.
For Christmas, a lot of you might have read: Christmas Midget. Last year I didn't do that either, but this year I have a little present for you guys. No, it's not another countdown fiction but, it's a sneak-peak of what's going to be released once the bucket list is over. Yay!
Right now, I have a few friends and a fan reading the beginning to give me a little advice, since it's going to be my first time moving out of the bleach category. I know it's a huge step and well, bleach is still my love and will remain my name; but I think it'll be a good thing. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the anime: Nisekoi. Some of you might have read the one-shot I wrote: Kiss it all better. Well, that's the new catergory I'm moving into, along with the idea of: Noragami. Tell me if you have watched those animes, I'm curious.
Well, I really hope you guys can follow my through this jump, it's huge since I've only really written for bleach. But, I will still be here with bleach since I have stories to complete.
Anyways, how is your holiday going so far? Do you guys have any traditions you're looking forward to? Ho was the chapter?
Happy Holiday's and see you all soon,
Bleachlover2346~