A/N: On the one hand, this is total filler. On the other hand, you get this chapter after less than a week, so take that as you will. Good luck to all of you who mentioned that you had exams. I (retroactively) wish you easy markers and clear brains on the day :)

Chapter 35

Anko was pretty tired. It had been a long mission, and really, she just wanted a quiet drink at her favourite bar so she could wind down enough to get a decent sleep tonight. Maybe she would pick up some company for the night to help her get to sleep in the first place, but she had already been sitting in this corner for the last fifteen minutes and at least three people had "suddenly needed to be elsewhere" when she had smiled at them.

And it wasn't like she had blood in her teeth again – she'd checked her reflection in a genin's hitaiate – so she didn't know what the problem was.

If she was any less secure in the fact that she was a sexy dangerous kunoichi, then Anko thought that she might be feeling a little bit offended.

She was just about to throw back her current drink and call it a night, when suddenly Uchiha Obito and Uchiha Itachi sat down at her table.

Anko blinked.

Well this was unexpected.

"To what do I owe the pleasure, boys?" she purred, arching her back to better display her breasts in a move that was more habitual than anything else, (although honestly, she wouldn't say no to a bit of hot Uchiha action, she had heard rumours about how deliciously intense their Clan could be in the sack, and she certainly wouldn't say no to sampling).

Obito politely ignore her posing, and replied, "You had a free table, and me and little Cous here both need the sweet, sweet oblivion of alcohol."

Anko felt a manic grin cross her face, and she dropped the seduction routine.

"Wait, are you serious! Itachi!" she said, turning to him, "I said we should have a drink or six together!" her grin widened. "Oh, this is going to be fun."

Itachi looked at Obito. "There is still time to leave."

Obito snorted. "Don't be rude, Cous." He turned back to Anko, and smiled, causing the scars on the right side of his face to twist in ways that probably would have terrified a civilian, but just reminded Anko that this man had survived things that few other shinobi could have.

He probably had an insanely high pain tolerance.

Hot.

Anko ordered a bottle of umeshu and three cups. Clearly, her night was about to improve.

….

Obito could not believe it.

They had been sitting down for what, fifteen minutes? And Itachi was already smashed.

Not that many others would have been able to tell. Itachi was evidently one of those Uchiha who overcompensated for drunkenness by becoming more and more stoic-looking. Right now, (as Anko had laughingly said into his ear,) Itachi was doing a credible Ibiki impression.

In Itachi's defense, Anko had almost immediately announced that clearly what needed to happen was a drinking game, and the game she had decided on was one that generally speaking was a lot easier for jounin.

Useless Intel, the game was called, and it was simple. Only trivia was allowed – nothing classified, and no questions about how people knew what it was that they knew – and the people who couldn't tell if the Intel was true or not had to take a shot. Or if everyone knew the answer, the person supplying the Intel had to take a shot.

The test for that was simple, of course- the intel given was always very slightly wrong. To decide on who took the shot, the Listeners had to say exactly how the intel was wrong. Experienced players of Useless Intel would generally of course, try to play the players, and figure out by watching micro-expressions which part was incorrect, and then make their best guess as to what the truth was.

And of course, Anko was both a consistent ring-in at T&I as well as competitive and (whether she liked to admit it or not) the ex-protégé of Orochimaru, so suffice to say that she was a very very good at this game. (Blatantly why she had picked it.)

Anko had started off with a bunch of intel about the Land of Iron. (Apparently her latest mission had been to there, and she was feeling primed.)

Obito on the other hand had responded with some things he had picked up in Bird Country and on that one mission to the Land of Hotsprings where his team had tripped over a group of kunoichi from the Land of Honey, which so few people knew anything about.

Itachi on the other hand, had been playing it oddly at first, sticking to really old intel, from what Obito could tell. It took Obito a few rounds to realise that the reason why he was doing that was because he wasn't 100% sure what would be different in this universe.

(And the penalty for referencing incorrect intel or lying was three shots if detected, so Obito supposed he could see why his cousin might be a bit cautious about that.)

But after Itachi had lost five rounds in a row…

(Okay, maybe the game had been going for a bit longer than fifteen minutes, but still, Obito was appalled that apparently Itachi had not been working hard enough to raise his tolerance. That was just dangerous on a mission – nothing stood out more than someone not drinking at a bar.)

But after Itachi had got a few drinks into him, he started playing a bit more… seriously… and then it got interesting.

"Pein of Akatsuki used to have a dog named Tatsuya," Itachi said, his face completely serious.

"You're lying about the animal," Obito said.

"Nope," responded Itachi.

"You're lying about the member of Akatsuki," Anko hazarded.

"Nope," Itachi replied, his tone level. "Pein did have a dog, and its name was Chibi."

"You're fucking with us," Anko insisted.

Itachi shook his head solemnly, in the manner of the profoundly drunk. "Nope."

Obito looked over at Anko, and both of them took a shot.

"Orochimaru," Anko declared, when it was her turn next, "used ylang ylang essential oils in his hair."

Itachi snorted. "If by ylang ylang you mean sandalwood."

This time, both Obito and Anko stared at Itachi.

Anko opened her mouth, obviously to ask Itachi how the hell he knew that, but remembered the rules of the game at the last minute. No asking for sources.

Anko took the shot.

Obito, still startled by that sudden turn around, fumbled a little on his next turn, using a factoid that some might consider to be pretty useful. "Uh, Killer B is A's cousin."

"No, that was Blue B-"

"If by cousin you mean adopted brother-"

Itachi and Anko spoke at the same time.

Obito took the shot.

It was about this time that Obito noted that they were starting to gain an audience.

This was not uncommon in a game of Useless Intel. Generally speaking, ninja liked to make a habit of gathering intel, because as Yamanaka Tsubaki had been heard to say, "there is no truly useless intel, only intel that you don't know how to use yet."

Obito, slightly fuzzily, wondered if this had been a terrible idea.

A few more turns passed. Anko mentioned that one of the actresses in the Icha Icha movies was exiled royalty, Obito threw down a few tidbits about that one mission in Tea that everyone seemed to want to know about, and Itachi continued to drop intel bombs that Obito was starting to find a pattern in.

"Hoshigaki Kisame has nicknamed one of his… colleagues Zombie." (Neither of them figured out that the lie was that he referred to two members of the Akatsuki, Hidan and Kakuzu, as being collectively the Zombie Combo).

The fuck!? Obito and Anko did not ask aloud, downing their shots.

"Roshi, container of the Yonbi's favourite book is Icha Icha Tactics." (It was actually Paradise, apparently.)

How could he know that?! Neither Obito nor Anko could figure out.

"Deidara's favourite animals are birds," Itachi said.

"Deidara who?" Obito wondered, downing his shot.

"Rock-nin," Anko grunted, "likes explosions," she added, before downing hers.

"Deidara likes art," Itachi corrected her, cheating by taking another turn.

"Okay, fuck the rules," Anko demanded, leaning over the table and obviously attempting to collar Itachi, "how the fuck do you even know that? I only even know that guy's name because of-"

"That's classified," a cheerful voice interrupted them.

Obito looked up, and blanched.

Their table, which had originally been just the two of them and Anko, seemed to have expanded to almost a third of the bar. And that was just the people who couldn't be bothered to be discreet.

Anko, looking at the speaker, Yamanaka Inoichi, Head of T&I, was also looking distinctly pasty.

"Uh, hi Boss!" she squeaked. "We were just, uh…"

Inoichi smiled benignly. "Oh don't mind me! Carry on! The game is just starting to get good! Though that said…" he frowned in an exaggerated fashion to Itachi, "I'm impressed that you know intel about Deidara, since he only very recently went Missing. And unlike the rest of the people you seem to have intel regarding, he's not related to Akatsuki."

If Obito didn't know any better, he would have thought that Itachi winced a little at that. "They'll try pretty hard to recruit him," was all he said.

Wait, so when Itachi had said that his life in the other world was a living hell… that had brought him into contact with Akatsuki and jinchuriki?

Obito had previously been distracted by the whole, "oh, alternative you helped me massacre the Clan" thing, but now he was starting to get the sinking suspicion that he really should have asked a few questions about what had happened next.

"Uh huh," Inoichi responded to Itachi's latest comment, his smile still on, but his eyes sharp. "I'll take that intel under advisement." He flicked his pony tail over his shoulder. "Is there anything else that you're aware of about Akatsuki that no one else here would know?"

Itachi nodded.

Inoichi motioned for him to continue.

The silence stretched.

Obito imagined that they would have been able to hear a senbon drop, but Itachi appeared unperturbed but the expectant silence.

After a tense few seconds, Inoichi's smile became a bit more real. "You're not as drunk as you appear, are you," he stated, rather than asked.

Obito noted the tiniest hint of a smirk at the corner of Itachi's mouth, saw the glazed look in his eyes vanish like a dropped genjutsu and that little shit.

Obito pointed accusatorily at him. "You, you! You haven't been drinking a drop, have you?!"

Itachi snorted. "I drank the first few, but I know my limit." Do I look stupid to you? His eyes seemed to ask.

Anko slammed her hand on the table. "You cheating bastard!" she snarled, but the look in her eyes was almost admiring. "How the fuck did you get that by the both of us?"

Itachi's smirk increased from the tiniest hint, to discernible by semi-observant civilians. "I have skills," was all he said, the cagey bastard. "Thanks for the drinks, both of you," he added, and then suddenly he shunshined out.

Anko's jaw dropped. "Did he just skip out on the bill!?" she shrieked. "I'm gonna-!"

And then she vanished too.

It took a split second for Obito to figure out what just happened, and then he groaned, banging his head on the table. His audience, sensing that the show was over, began to disperse.

"I'm telling Aunt Mikoto," he grumbled into the wood of the bench. "And Kurenai. That will teach them both."

"What, that you skipped out on her son's graduation party in favour of getting her other son drunk in public and playing a drinking game that could cause him significant problems?" Inoichi asked him, tone mercilessly cheerful. "And that you were dumb enough to play a drinking game with Anko?"

Obito froze, suddenly remembering who it was who was talking to him.

"There is an excellent explanation for that," he said, slowly.

Yamanaka Inoichi raised a sculpted blonde eyebrow. "And I'm sure that it's going to make me feel a lot more comfortable with the fact that you're from one of our rapid response teams that is trusted with making snap decisions."

Obito scowled. "Hey, I'm just the muscle! Kakashi and Rin are the brains of the operation."

Inoichi appeared unimpressed with this explanation. "And yet, you are still a jounin. Unlike, to oh, take a random example, your cousin or Anko."

Obito groaned.

Stuck with the tab, and the responsibility.

Shit.

….

Anko, being the excellent tracker-nin she was, caught up to Itachi quickly.

Okay, maybe that at least partially had something to do with the fact that she already knew where his apartment was (thanks Hana!) but as far as she was concerned, the point stood.

"Hey, where the hell do you think you're going?" she demanded, when she managed to intercept him about halfway back to his place.

Itachi, on his back and wrapped in her snake summons, looked annoyingly unruffled.

"Well, I was going to go home, but…" he looked significantly at the snake summons.

Anko rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you don't fool me. We've sparred, remember? If you were serious…"

Itachi rolled to his feet, summons dispersed into so much smoke.

Anko goggled. "Yeah. That," she said a little faintly. "Kami on a stick. How the hell…? No. Don't tell me. Actually, I have a better question. How the hell did you know what Orochimaru uses in his hair?"

"I worked with him once," Itachi replied, intriguingly, and yet ultimately uninformatively.

Kind of a pattern with this asshole, really. It was driving Hana nuts.

(Anko was starting to see her point of view.)

"When did this happen?" Anko wanted to know.

"When I was thirteen," Itachi responded.

When he was…

"Wait, you're bullshitting me," Anko realised. "You can't have worked with Orochimaru when you were thirteen. You're the same age as Hana, and Sensei has been gone for more than four years."

"Am I?" Itachi wondered aloud, as though these things were in doubt.

And then, like the colossal dick he was, shunshined away again.

Anko ground her teeth.

If Itachi thought that that was the end of it, then he had another think coming.

Because she had been a little interested in what exactly his story was before, but now?

She was going to get answers from the enigmatic bastard if she had to to beat them out of him.

She cracked her knuckles, about to try and find the little weasel again, when he suddenly re-appeared before her.

"I just realised that I forgot to tell you the best bit of Akatsuki gossip," Itachi said.

Anko blinked. "What?" she wanted to know.

"Hoshigaki Kisame thinks you're attractive."

Anko considered this new information.

"Either I am way too drunk, or way too sober for this, but I know that you are fucking with me, Uchiha," she snarled, and then made the mistake of looking him in the eye.

"Maybe a little," Itachi admitted, as he divided into six of himself. "But as much as I said that to distract you, it was also true. Have a nice night, Anko," he finished in stereo.

Then all six of him ran in different directions, leaving Anko with a budding headache.

"Asshole," she muttered.

She was starting to see what Hana saw in him.

...