A/N- I'm not gonna bother even trying to apologive.. cause I know I suck.. but for some kind of excuse.. I've had a million things going on.. so yea.. I am sorry.. even though it's not worth it.. Here's your update finally though!

FOF's for last chapter! (order of recieving as always)

somthgIlike2do- Thanks.. I think this update took even longer though.. sorries.. and she should shouldn't she?! Guess we'll wait and see what she decides ;)

Kirky123- Sorry it wasn't posted in any kind of soon.. but I did finally post.. even I stopped thinking I'd never post.. hope you're still reading and enjoy this chapter. =)

spashley13- Aww.. your comment makes me smile every time I read it lol. I know you don't want me to end it.. and honestly your comment alone made me think about it.. I'm contemplating a sequel to this.. but I have in no way decided yet. Cause I can hardly keep up with this story, plus I have one more as well. But if I can come up with a good sequel plot, which I have some of worked out, then yes, I might possibly see about a sequel. NO PROMISES THOUGH! lol

SoN4life- It doesn't matter what Ashley thinks.. at least it won't.. please read and then tell me what you think.. lol =)

hugbuddy13- I'm so sorry it took so long sweetheart.. but I hope you enjoy this chapter. =D

Coachkimm- Finally got it done eh?? I'm a horrible writer.. lol but it's ok that you didn't comment right away.. I've been slackin on that stuff as well.. whoops.. lol.. ENJOY!

Birdseyeview57- You're not the worst reviewer ever, promise! lol And I've totally been like missing for the past 2 or 3 months.. leaning more towards 3.. lol But yea.. Sugarland..? What's that all about? lol Aww.. I'll be honored with you as my first reviewer if at all possible. =) lol Love ya too sweetheart.. and sorry for being a slacker! XD

Ok, that is everyone who reviewed last chapter.. once again, sorry for being a sucky writer.. the story is coming to a close soon, I'm contemplating a sequel.. cause some people have asked for this to not end *coughcough*spashley13 *coughcough* lol.. but it's not set in stone, cause I still have another story to finish.. and I don't want to keep you guys hanging on any more then I have on anything.. but anyways.. ENJOY this and I'll try and work a little faster on an update later this week, cause I have three days off work, an with no plans currently. So we'll see what happens.

Peace&Love
Mel

Spencer's POV

???: "Hey you." I hear being spoken softly into the room.
I will my stiff body to turn over and face the person which this voice belongs too.
SPENCER: "Hey." I reply back even softer as I slowly sit up against the head board.
???: "What happened?" She asks with concern as she takes in what I'm sure is my disheveled appearance, and mascara tracks.
SPENCER: "Rough night." I whisper hoarsely.
???: "Oh Spencer. I'm so sorry." She comes to me and takes me gently in her arms. I immediately realize how I don't completely relax into her touch and I find it hard to will myself to do so. "Do you want to talk about it?"
SPENCER: "I'd rather not." I mumble and I feel her head nod against my shoulder.
???: "Ok."

We sit in silence, with her just rocking me in her arms. I can't shake the feeling I have though of how unnatural this feels, so I pull gently from her grasp.

???: "Do you want me to make you anything to eat?"
SPENCER: "No I'm fine, thanks anyways."
???: "Ok."
SPENCER: "What are you doing here though? Don't you have work today?"
???: "Yea, I've just missed you, so I've been sleeping in your apartment while you were gone. I slept at my place last night though, but then realized I left some stuff over here that I needed."
SPENCER: "Oh, ok."
She just nods her head.
???: "Ok, well I should get going before I'm late. I'm really glad you're home babe."
I just nod my head in acknowledgment of her statement. I see her frown a little bit at my lack of a reply before she stands up. She leans back over and kisses my forehead softly and as her lips rest against my skin, I feel that overwhelming feeling of how much her touch does nothing to comfort me. She lingers for a moment before standing and heading toward my bedroom door quietly.
SPENCER: "Megan?" She stops and turns to look at me, hope in her eyes that I haven't completely shut her out. "Stop by after work, there's some stuff I want to talk to you about."
She just nods her head at this and then leaves.

My chest feels tight and I can feel the lump already growing in my throat. I doubt I could cry anymore, and if I do I don't think there'd be much tears left to shed as I do.

I curl back into my bed as it hits me again. I left.

I left it all behind. Again.

And this time for good.

I still can't believe that I told Ashley what I swore to myself I'd never tell her. About how I was going stay in LA for her all those years ago. But it just slipped out. She was laying all the blame on me as if she was perfect in all of this and it's not true. She's the one who let me go and stopped fighting for me.

Tears that I didn't think were still available start falling freely from my eyes once more as last night replays through my head once more.

Flashback

ASHLEY: "I shouldn't have had to ask." She says evenly and looks down at the floor.
SPENCER: "Yet you ended everything just because I got a letter. One stupid acceptance letter. One that I hadn't even made any decisions about." I say quietly.
As much as I tried to hold it in, and show her that this didn't effect me, it did and the tears start sliding down my face.
SPENCER: "I wasn't going to go." At the sound of my cracked voice and the words spoken through it, Ashley's eyes shoot up to mine. "I had gotten a better offer from UCLA and I was going to take it. But you over-reacted. You pushed me away before I could explain. For a whole week I did everything I could to talk to you. But you always had everyone send me away. You never wanted to talk. You ignored my calls, and never replied to any of my texts. You left me alone. So when I lost the one thing that I'd stay in LA for, I left. There was no more reason to be here. So I accepted Ohio State's offer to join their summer program."

End Flashback

Then after the family walked in I just left.

Flashback

SPENCER: "Excuse me." I say to no one in particular and then rush up the stairs.

I quickly step into my childhood bedroom and lock the door behind me. I immediately start throwing everything I had laying around, back into my suitcases. I need to get out of here, and fast. I can't take the heartache I'm facing anymore. I came to pay my respects, I did that, and now I'm leaving. I can't stay here a second longer.

I wait till I hear everyone say goodbye to the former love of my life, and then walk downstairs. Everyone's eyes fall on me and they soon recognize the tears sliding down my cheeks at a rapid pace.

Glen's the first one to me, wrapping me in his strong arms. I sob into his chest for what seems an eternity before I settle down once more and look into his face, then over his shoulder at our parents.

SPENCER: "It's time I went home." I say softly.
No one argues with my choice.
GLEN: "I'll drive you." He says just as quietly.
SPENCER: "Thanks. I'm ready to leave now."
GLEN: "Ok, I'll go grab your bags." He wipes the last of my tears with his thumbs before he kisses my forehead.
As he ascends the stairs, my parents step forward and wrap me in both of their arms. I take comfort in the loving embrace for a few moments before I hear my dad speak.
ARTHUR: "I know this was all really hard Spencer. But we're really glad you came despite the circumstances. You took a huge risk. I'm sure it helped you get over a lot and maybe now you can really bury it all behind you."
Only flaw to all of his words, is that they interrupted before we could honestly really talk about it. All we did was fight about who's fault it was and then I unveiled the biggest secret of it all.
PAULA: "Just remember that we're always going to be here for you sweetie. And you always have your room here whenever you're ready to come back for another visit."
I just nod my head, as my mind spins with how this is the last time I'll ever be in LA. Pushing more tears out of my eyes at the mere thought of it.

I pull apart from them as we hear Glen come downstairs with my bags.

ARTHUR: "We love you sweetie. Call us when you land." I nod.
SPENCER: "I love you guys too."

I take my smaller bag from Glen and we walk out of the house in silence.

End Flashback

I was able to get a flight for late last night and I was home by early this morning.

I've only been home for two hours and already I feel the same heartache from five years ago. The one where it feels like the whole world is crashing down around me. Where it feels like I can't breathe and my head spins no matter what. My chest feels like there's ton of bricks sitting on it, and I have a burning sensation in the area where my heart is. My whole body feels numb to everything but how oddly cold I feel. But it's not like my skin is cold, because my comforter does nothing to alleviate it. It's more like an inner body chill. Almost like ice running through my veins.

Yea, heartache sucks for me.

The first of many more sobs to come rips from my chest as I bury my aching body back under my covers and let the crying consume me again.

-----

I roll over and stretch, groaning at the sensation of stiff muscles and achy joints reviving themselves. My back pops in what seems an inhuman fashion before I collapse back against my pillows with a dry sigh. Dry, because my throat is void of all moisture at this point.

I must have fallen asleep crying, cause I sure as hell don't remember falling asleep at all. I rub my eyes and then give my arms another stretch up above my head, and groan again at the muscles in my back stretching and a few more of my vertebrae popping.

I try a glance at my alarm clock and it reads seven in the evening. Jeezz. . I slept for a long while. I throw my covers off my bare legs and step onto the hardwood floor of my bedroom. My feet tingle a little at the temperature difference of my warm bed to my cold floor, before they become accustomed to it. I drag my feet all the way to the bathroom. Purposely avoiding myself in the mirror, too scared to even chance a glance at myself. I use the restroom and then wash my hands, followed by my face. I brush my teeth before running my hair brush through my tangled hair and then throw it up into a loose pony tail. I finally take a second to look at my appearance and frown when I see how red and puffy my eyes are and how dark the circles under my eyes are as well.

I walk lazily from the bathroom after that, and head into my kitchen. I'm in desperate need of some coffee and something to eat. Within a few minutes, I have the coffee brewing, and my spirits are already slightly lifted at the fragrant aroma filling my senses and starting to relax my muscles just a little.

When the coffee's ready I pour myself a hefty cup, then add my sugar and favorite coffee mate flavor. Just as I'm raising the cup to my lips for the first steamy sip, the doorbell goes off. Glancing at the time again, on the microwave this time, my mind spins with who this could be because Megan has a key.

I walk from the kitchen towards the door, before I hear a voice calling me from the other side.

???: "Spencer open the door!"
I open the door with a confused expression.
???: "I know, you weren't expecting me now, but I just had to see you."
SPENCER: "It's no problem."
She walks around me and sets a few bags on the table that occupied her hands.
???: "I wasn't sure if you'd be hungry, but I brought some Chinese with me."
SPENCER: "Starving actually! I just woke up like fifteen minutes ago, and was about to have a cup of coffee. Want some?"
???: "Nah, you sit down and eat. I'll get everything."
SPENCER: "Megan, why do you already seem like you're avoiding something?"
MEGAN: "What? I'm not avoiding anything. ."
SPENCER: "Your voice is kind of high and everything you say you're rushing out. You didn't immediately start with something sweet to say like you usually do when we first see each other and you've yet to give me any form of a kiss. So I ask again, what are you avoiding or preparing to talk to me about?"
MEGAN: "Wow. You know me better then I thought you did." She deadpans.
SPENCER: "I'm a silent observer. Now you want to tell me what's going on?"
MEGAN: "Honestly?"
SPENCER: "No. . I want you to lie to me. . yes I want you to be honest." I say sarcastically, but it gets her to relax some and a soft smile graces her lips. It's removed just as quickly though as she gathers her thoughts and starts talking.
MEGAN: "Well. . before I left this morning, you said for me to come by tonight. . because you wanted to talk. . and usually, any sentence that sounds like that doesn't sound good. And before that. . you were even acting a bit different, but I chalked that up to you just being upset about your friend passing. But either way. . it's never good when someone you're dating says they want to talk." She says everything slowly. Pacing her words.
SPENCER: "Oh. ." I bow my head in shame, knowing that her thoughts are pretty much right on cue.
My reaction confirms her suspicions as well, and she stands quickly, pacing the small room.
MEGAN: "I mean please tell me I'm wrong Spencer. Tell me that this is just a miscommunication and that you just wanted me to come over to talk about your trip. . . . please. . ?" She half rambles, half begs.
SPENCER: "I can't. But I do want to explain. I wasn't just going to break it off and not tell you anything." I say quickly.
Her face contorts painfully in what I assume is the realization of her heart breaking. So that's what it looks like when you watch it unfold for someone else before your own eyes.

I see the tears well in her eyes, and she bites her lip. I assume to keep her crying at bay in front of me. I take her hand into mine and I pull her to sit down in the chair across from me. I know she'll give me the time of day to explain, unlike most other people would do. She had an amazing heart that way. And I was hoping in the end of all this, we could remain friends. I mean we have been that for longer then we've been an item.

SPENCER: "I haven't been fair to you. I've kept a lot from you about who I am, and about my past. You've done nothing but give me love, and openness and commitment, and I couldn't hardly do the same for you."
MEGAN: "Well, if you're ready to tell me, I'd like to know." She says with thickness in her voice from holding off her tears.
I take a deep breath and look at my twiddling thumbs before looking back at her.
SPENCER: "Ok. Uhm. . you're always asking about the ring on my necklace. Well I used to be engaged." I say slowly and quietly.
I see her eyes widen and hear her suck in a quick breath. After a few moments of silence she finally answers me.
MEGAN: "Oh wow. . I didn't see that coming. I mean I had a feeling it held some kind of significant meaning. But I didn't think it'd be something to that extreme."
SPENCER: "Yea, well that's what it's from. It was a pretty serious relationship and I was in it for almost two years. Throughout my junior and senior year's of high school. She proposed to me, but she broke up with me a few weeks after graduation. We never really talked about anything. And shortly after I left for summer classes here in Ohio."
MEGAN: "I'm sorry to hear about all of this Spencer. I really am. I mean I'm happy because I met you and everything, but I'm sorry you got hurt like that."
SPENCER: "It's ok, really." I say softly.
MEGAN: "Well what does any of this have to do with us now? With you wanting to break up?" She asks softly, but urgently.
SPENCER: "I went home for my friend's funeral and everything as you know. Well he was her, uh, her best friend." I say quietly.
MEGAN: "Oh I see." She replies and down casts her eyes.
SPENCER: "Nothing happened between us if that's what you're thinking."
MEGAN: "That's good to know. But I still kind of don't get it. I mean I think I do. . but I'm not sure."
SPENCER: "I'm not really sure either. Just, while I was home, her and I finally talked. We didn't really get to work anything out, and clear the air, but I spilled a major secret to her, one that I never intended on telling her. Because well I didn't think she deserved to know when she's the one who irrationally broke up with me. But I told her in the heat of an argument. Then my family walked in, and the same night, I decided I couldn't be in LA anymore, which is why I'm home so early."
MEGAN: "But you still love her don't you? And you could never give yourself, or your heart, to me, because even though you guys aren't talking, and are on such bad terms, you still want her. Right?"
SPENCER: "Basically." I kind of mumble. "It's been wrong of me to even be with you, because I was hoping I could move on by being with someone else. But if it's been five years and I still haven't let her go, then it's not fair if I continue keeping you in this relationship where you're constantly in the dark with my feelings."
MEGAN: "I understand. And despite what you're feeling, and what you've done by being in this relationship. I still enjoyed my time with you. More then you know. And I don't regret any minute of it, even if half the time I was confused about your actions or what you were thinking."
SPENCER: "That's good. And I'm honestly sorry. You're a great person Meg, and I did enjoy being with you. ."
MEGAN: "I know. . but I'm just not her." She says softly.
I just lower my head in shame, knowing I've hurt her. And it hurts knowing I've caused someone the kind of pain I, myself, have to feel everyday.
SPENCER: "I'm sorry." I whisper.
MEGAN: "It's ok. Uhm. . I should just go."
SPENCER: "You don't have too. ." I say quickly.
MEGAN: "No, I really do. ." I see the fresh tears in her eyes, and know not to push her to stay. "Uhm, I got your favorite. Just uh, enjoy the food, and I'll see you at work." She says as she stands and grabs her bag from the table next to the food.
She gives me a sad smile, before starting towards the door. She stops next to me though, and hesitates before leaning over and kissing my cheek softly, but slowly. Then she's out the door in a matter of seconds.

I don't even eat the food, once again loosing my appetite after the hard conversation I just had to have. I end up putting it all in the fridge and then heading into the living room with my cup of coffee. I turn the TV on and start flipping through channels, not really finding anything to watch. Just as I settle into an old episode of "I Love Lucy", don't judge it's a classic! The doorbell goes off.

A confused look etches itself into my features once again, as I stand to go answer the door. I doubt it's Meg, but who the hell else could it be, since most people think I'm still out of town?

The bell goes off again just as I'm rounding the corner to the foyer.
SPENCER" "I'm coming!" I call so they'll stop harassing my doorbell.
I open the door, and nearly faint at the exhausted and nervous expression found before me.