Chapter Thirty-Seven

Bill Adama wasn't often surprised, but one morning he received three surprises in quick succession.

The first was that his elder son appeared in his quarters wanting to talk to him. The second was that he called him 'Dad', and made it clear this was a personal conversation. Relations between Bill and Lee had thawed considerably since Lee had been grounded, but he still only tended to see his son when they happened to run into each other. Lee certainly didn't seek him out.

"Sit down, son," he said quickly, not wanting to seem unwelcoming. "It's good to see you."

"Thanks." Lee sat down, looking awkward. Well, at least that probably meant he hadn't come to argue about something. He never looked awkward when he was in a confrontational mood.

He didn't say anything more, and Bill sought for words to break the silence. "So, how are things?"

"Okay, I guess." Lee seemed equally tongue-tied.

Bill decided to take advantage of Lee's presence to ask the question that he really wanted to know the answer to. He just hoped it wouldn't drive Lee away. "Zak told me you're still seeing Dr Seton. How's that going?"

Lee frowned, and Bill tensed, preparing for his son to stalk out.

But Lee stayed where he was. "It's going well, actually."

"Good." Bill tried to sound encouraging.

"Actually…" Lee lifted his chin, obviously bracing himself to say something. "Actually, that's what I came to talk to you about."

Bill had a feeling he knew where this was going, so he tried to head it off. "Lee, you know I can't put you back on the flight roster until Dr Seton clears you-"

"I know," Lee interrupted impatiently. "This isn't about that." He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "It's just…that is, I wondered…if you would come along to my next session." The last words came out in a rush.

Bill stared at his son, not quite sure he'd heard correctly. "Your next session with Dr Seton? You want me to be there?"

Lee nodded.

Bill didn't quite understand. "Aren't the sessions supposed to be private?"

"Yes, but…in the next one she's going to start the next stage of my therapy, gradually exposing me to the situation that triggers my panic attacks. She said – she said it would be helpful if I had someone else there for support." He looked up at Bill suddenly, blue eyes wide and uncertain. "Someone I trusted."

Bill was completely taken aback. It was the last thing he'd expected to hear. He pushed his glasses up his nose, trying to think how best to reply. He wasn't sure it sounded like a good idea. He and Lee were hardly close, never had been. Surely Zak would be a better choice if Lee needed support.

He opened his mouth to say as much, but the look in Lee's eyes stopped him. It was vulnerable, almost pleading, and suddenly he realised that was exactly why Lee was asking him. This was a peace offering on Lee's part, an opportunity to rebuild their relationship.

He remembered their conversation on the Caprican Star, how they'd both admitted they needed to learn to trust each other again.

"Don't worry about it, Dad." Bill started, and saw that he'd been silent too long. Lee's face had clouded with rejection. "It's a lot to ask, I know you're busy-"

"No it isn't," said Bill hurriedly. He couldn't let this opportunity slip away.

Lee stared at him uncertainly. "You mean you'll do it?"

"Yes," said Bill firmly. "I'd be honoured to."

Lee smiled, and Bill blinked. He couldn't remember the last time Lee had smiled at him like that, without a hint of reserve or mockery. His heart lifted a little at the sight of it. "Thanks, Dad. I appreciate it."

----

"Dr Seton." Bill stood up as the doctor entered his quarters. "I thought we were meeting in fifteen minutes?"

"We are," she said, smiling. "I just wanted to have a quick word with you before we begin the session."

"Of course." Bill offered her a seat.

"Lee tells me he's explained the basic principles to you," she said, sitting down.

Bill nodded. "You gradually expose him to the situation that causes his panic attacks so he can learn to control his fears and the symptoms."

"Exactly. It would be useful if I could use one of the airlocks for future sessions, so I can remove the air from a controlled environment. Would that be possible to arrange?"

"No problem at all." Bill looked at her curiously. "Was that the only reason you wanted to see me?"

"No." Dr Seton looked straight at him, face suddenly grave. "I wanted to make sure you understand the nature of Lee's condition. People who have never suffered from a phobia or panic attacks find it very easy to dismiss them, to expect the sufferers to just pull themselves together and get over it."

"I can assure you I don't think that," said Bill stiffly. "Dr Cottle briefed me fully on the condition."

"I'm sure he did," said Dr Seton, watching him closely. "But hearing about it and seeing it are two very different things. All I'm going to ask Lee to do today is put on his flightsuit and helmet. An action that no doubt seems simple to you, but you have to understand that it's going to be very difficult for him. Like jumping out of a plane without a parachute." Her voice sharpened. "Your part today is to reassure and encourage him. It's vitally important that you don't at any time make him feel that his fears are foolish or irrational. Do you understand?"

Bill bristled at her tone. "I do," he said tightly, glaring at her.

"Good," she said briskly. "You understand, I have to be sure. I don't want anything to set Lee back in his progress."

Bill's annoyance lifted slightly. At least she was looking out for Lee's interests.

"I'm glad to hear he is making progress."

Dr Seton smiled warmly. "Yes. He's a very determined young man. I don't have many patients who go out of their way to confront their phobia as he has done. Most people who went through what he did would never have gone into space again, let alone become a pilot."

Bill looked at her sharply. "So he's told you what initially caused his phobia?"

Dr Seton nodded. "But he hasn't told you?" She looked thoughtful.

"No." And that was his own fault, Bill thought grimly. Yes, Lee had been the one to cut himself off for ten years, but their problems had really started before that. He hadn't been around enough when Lee was growing up, and when he had gone home, he'd always ended up spending more time with Zak. Zak, who was so much easier to understand and deal with.

Well, he intended to start making up for that now.

----

Lee had spent the morning telling himself that he could do this easily. It was only putting on a flightsuit, for frak's sake. Nothing difficult. He wasn't going anywhere near space or a vacuum. He wouldn't be relying on the suit's oxygen supply.

But as soon as he started pulling on the suit, all those logical reassurances vanished. His body reacted instinctively, muscles tensing and heart rate increasing.

"Remember the exercises, Lee," said Dr Seton quietly.

He nodded, pulling his scattered wits together. He could do this. He began one of the relaxation exercises they'd practiced, forcing himself to breathe slowly and carefully. After a few minutes he could feel his heart slowing down.

"Well done," said Dr Seton, smiling at him.

Lee grinned back, and the surge of triumph helped him to finish pulling on the flightsuit without any more problems.

"Now the helmet," said Dr Seton, passing it to him.

It felt strangely heavy in Lee's hands. He looked down at it, and his breath seemed to stop in his throat. Suddenly he was back outside the Scylla, back drifting past the wreckage of the Blackbird, struggling to desperately to draw breath, to hoard every last scrap of air as it inexorably faded away…

"I can't do this," he said jerkily. Just the idea of putting it on filled him with horror. "I can't."

"Your breathing's getting uneven again," said Dr Seton, moving towards him. "Don't worry about the helmet yet, Lee. Just breathe."

She went through another exercise with him, forcing him to focus, and gradually he steadied.

"Now look at the helmet again."

At the sight of it, panic surged back, the memories flashing before his eyes. This time he managed to control his breathing, but that was all he could do. Every time he tried to lift the helmet to put it on, his arms refused to co-operate. He found himself swearing with frustration.

"I should be able to do this, damn it. Why can't I do this?"

"You can."

Lee jumped at the sound of his father's voice. Bill had been silent so far, and Lee had almost forgotten he was there.

"You can do it, Lee." Bill crossed the room to stand in front of him. His face was full of determination, and it only made Lee feel more discouraged by comparison.

"What makes you think that?"

Bill stared at him for a moment, and then smiled suddenly, taking Lee by surprise. "Do you remember the summer I taught you to ride a bike?"

Lee blinked. "Yes, I remember." His father had been between postings, and had spent several months at home for once.

Bill's smile widened. "Do you remember how many times you fell off?"

Lee found himself grinning ruefully. "I think I lost count."

"So did I." Bill chuckled. "But you didn't give up, and eventually you managed it. And so I know you can manage this."

"This isn't the same, Dad."

"Isn't it?" Bill held Lee's eyes firmly. "Let's try this. Look at me while you put the helmet on. Don't think about what you're doing, just keep your eyes on me."

"All right." Lee wasn't convinced, but he supposed it wouldn't hurt to try. So he looked into his father's steady eyes, and tried again to lift the helmet.

This time he managed to lift it over his head, but when he needed to drop it into place, he wavered.

"Look at me, Lee."

He looked back at his father's reassuring eyes, and suddenly time blurred, and he was nine years old again, perched on his bike waiting for his father to let go of the handlebars, determined to prove that he could ride on his own.

"Take your time," Bill said calmly. "You'll manage it eventually, don't worry."

Much to his surprise, those reassuring words were exactly what he needed. He met his father's eyes once more, and pulled the helmet down into place. Took one breath, then another, keeping his eyes fixed on Bill's the whole time. His heart was thumping erratically, but he did the relaxation exercise again and managed to stay calm.

"There you are," said his father, smiling proudly. "I knew you could do it."

Lee grinned back.

----

"So the treatment's progressing well, then?" said Emma, playing with the straw in her drink.

"Yes," said Lee proudly. "I managed ten minutes in the airlock today. The doctor can only see me twice a week, but Dad's been guiding me through the sessions when she's not around."

"Sounds like he's being very supportive." Emma had to raise her voice slightly to be heard over the noise of the bar. It was one of the most popular on Cloud Nine, and was always busy.

"He is." Lee smiled. "I'm glad I asked him to help. It's really improved things between us." It had taken all his courage to ask for his father's help, and he'd half expected it to be a disaster. Instead it had been the reverse. Bill had been nothing but helpful and encouraging, and every session made Lee feel more comfortable with him.

"I'm surprised you asked him," said Emma idly. "I would have thought you'd ask Zak."

Lee looked suddenly awkward. "Not at the moment. I don't feel entirely comfortable around him. You know, because of-"

"Because of Kara," Emma finished, smiling ruefully. "That still a problem, is it?"

Lee nodded. He picked up his drink, wishing he hadn't brought the subject up. He'd obviously had one too many glasses of ambrosia.

"What happened to 'it'll all fade in time'?"

"Taking more time than I thought." Lee shrugged, and knocked back the rest of his drink. He stared down at the empty glass. "She kissed me."

"Who? Kara?" Emma stopped fiddling with her straw.

Lee nodded.

"Well…that's good isn't it?" Emma said uncertainly, and Lee almost choked on a bitter laugh.

"Not really. She made it pretty clear it was a mistake, and she wanted to stick with Zak." Both times. "All it did was make me feel guilty every time I see him." Or saw Kara. It didn't make living on Galactica easy, which was why he'd jumped at the chance to meet Emma this evening. Unfortunately Kara had leave on Cloud Nine as well, but he'd made sure to tell her what bar he was going to so she could avoid it.

"Well, if it's any consolation, I know how you feel," said Emma.

"What?" Lee looked at her in surprise. She was staring gloomily into her empty glass. "What do you mean?"

Emma sent him a twisted smile. "You're not the only one who can fall for someone unobtainable, you know."

"You too?" Lee was taken aback. Emma always made a habit of keeping her relationships light and easy. He'd never seen her look like this over someone before. "Who is it?"

Emma opened her mouth, then blinked and shook her head. "Doesn't matter. There's no future in it. He's firmly attached."

"You can tell me," said Lee. "It's only fair after I've been bending your ear about Kara."

Emma shook her head briskly. "Thanks, but I'd rather not talk about it."

She looked strained, and Lee reached out to put a hand over hers. "Love's a bitch, isn't it?" he said sympathetically.

Emma nodded jerkily, and Lee pretended not to see the moisture in her eyes. "That's the truth."

"Time for another drink, I think," said Lee, and she agreed fervently.

The bar was busy, and Lee had to wait a while to be served. He passed the time by idly looking round the room. He spotted a few people he knew – Dee on a date with that aide of the President's, and...oh gods, Ellen Tigh. He looked away hurriedly, hoping she hadn't spotted him.

His eyes fell on a woman hovering by one of the pillars. Odd, she wasn't exactly dressed for an evening out, and she must be incredibly hot in that heavy jacket...Lee frowned. And why was she standing there all on her own? If she was waiting for someone, wouldn't she have bought a drink? Or found a table?

The barman finally served him, but Lee continued to watch the woman, getting more and more uneasy. She seemed nervous; her eyes were flickering around the room constantly and her hand was fiddling with the edge of her jacket. Then a man came up to her, a heavy-set guy Lee had noticed sitting at the bar earlier. They had a quick, intense conversation. The woman made an emphatic gesture and her jacket fell back enough for Lee to catch a glimpse of a gun.

Frak. Lee picked up the drinks, left the bar and hurried towards Emma. A quick glance told him that the man he'd been watching was signalling to another by the doors.

He grabbed Emma's arm as she took her drink from his hand, bubbling with dry ice. "Come to the bathroom."

"What?" She stared at him.

"There's trouble. Now."

She followed without further protest, still holding her drink. As the bathroom door swung shut behind them she turned round.

"What the hell is going on?"

The sound of gunshots on the other side of the door answered her.

----

Kara cursed as she hurried to meet up with the marines. Just her luck. The first time she'd got off Galactica for weeks, and some idiot had to hold up a bar. Well, she'd make them regret interrupting her R&R.

She turned a corner and found the marines at the agreed meeting point. She nodded at the sergeant in charge.

"Good to see you, Gunny. You trying to catch some R&R, too?"

The sergeant nodded. He passed her a combat vest. "What's the situation, Major?"

Kara pulled the vest on. "We've got an unknown number of shooters, at least twenty hostages, and probably a ninety minute window before they start throwing out bodies. Let's go."

The bar wasn't far away. They took up a position at a safe distance that still gave them a good view of the closed blast doors. Kara swore. It would take explosives to get through those blast doors, and they'd probably kill half the hostages doing it. The only way they were getting in was if the terrorists opened up.

Her eye drifted to the name of the bar, and she froze as something in her mind connected. She'd thought the name sounded familiar...hadn't that been where Lee had said he was meeting Emma?

"Major, I've got the admiral on the line." The marine sergeant passed her a combat phone unit.

"Starbuck. You in position?"

"Yeah. We're not getting in through those blast doors, though. And there's something else you should know." She swallowed hard. "I think Lee may be among the hostages. He was planning to go to that bar this evening."

There was a brief silence. Then Adama spoke again, his voice harsh. "Thanks for informing me, Major. I've got two strike teams inbound to you, ETA ten minutes."

Another voice broke into their conversation. "Admiral, it's Abinell."

"Put her through. And keep Starbuck on the line."

----

The brief conversation with Abinell confirmed Kara's fears. Lee was one of the hostages. Although he seemed to have been busy despite that. Someone in the bar had messed with the oxygen sensors so that the terrorists thought the air system needed repairing, and Kara would have bet her last cubit that it was him. It was just the kind of sneaky plan he'd come up with. She grinned appreciatively. And it had given them the opening they needed, to get in there and see exactly what they were dealing with.

She hurriedly changed into the maintenance worker's uniform, pulling the cap down over her eyes. Adama had told to get a volunteer, but she wasn't going to leave this job to anyone else. Not when Lee's life was on the line. She didn't trust anyone else not to screw it up. Besides, she needed to see him, check he was okay.

It all went smoothly at first. They searched her, as she had expected, but didn't find the false lid in her toolbox. She took a thorough survey of the room as she waited. Four terrorists, all armed. The woman was obviously in charge. The hostages looked scared but no-one appeared to have been hurt, which was a good sign. She spotted Lee and Emma in the group but was careful not to send more than a brief glance in their direction.

One of the terrorists returned her toolbox. "Looks clean."

"Do your job," said Abinell to Kara. She gestured to one of her men to cover her.

Kara headed for the maintenance panel. She had to pass the hostages to get there, and as she did so she heard a soft gasp. She caught a glimpse of Ellen Tigh out of the corner of her eye, and swore. Stupid frakking woman...

A man's voice cut sharply towards her. "Wait a minute. Turn around. Let's check that box again."

Frak.

There was no time to think, no time to do anything but act. Kara ripped open the false lid, grabbed the two guns concealed behind it, and whirled, firing.

The terrorists started firing back and she dropped to the floor, aware that the marines had burst through the doors of the bar and joined the fight. She saw the sergeant take down one of the terrorists.

Gunshots hit the table next to her, and she ducked from the flying glass. She needed to get back towards the door. She spotted another patch of cover behind a pillar and scrambled for it. She saw one of the terrorists aiming for her as she did so, and fired back as she ran.

She reached the shelter of the pillar and looked up to see if her bullets had hit their mark. And her eyes locked with Lee's, standing just behind the guy she'd been shooting at.

Then drifted down to the red hole in his shirt.

Oh, gods. No. No.

Her mind screamed in disbelief. Her eyes went back to Lee's, pleading with him to hang on, but as she watched they clouded over and he fell backwards.

Lee!

She was frozen in place, couldn't do anything but stare at Lee as her mind reeled in horror. She forgot everything else until a rough hand grabbed her shoulder.

"Major, we gotta get out of here. Come on!"

Kara was too numb to respond. The marine dragged her out and she followed him automatically, her eyes still fixed on the spot where Lee had fallen.

It was me. I shot him. I shot Lee.

----

Emma dropped to her knees beside Lee, her mind struggling to catch up with what had happened. It had all been so fast...

No time to think of that now. Not with Lee bleeding out in front of her. She jammed her hands down onto the wound in his chest, pushing as hard as she could.

Blood still leaked out between her fingers. She looked around desperately, spotted Billy Keikaya nearby.

"Billy. I need towels, shirts...anything I can use as a bandage."

Billy nodded. He moved towards the bar, but the woman terrorist turned her gun on him. "No-one said you could move."

Emma looked up at her fiercely. "This is the admiral's son. If he dies, you're not going to get your deal, you know that. So let me help him." She wasn't going to let Lee die like this, she wasn't. They could shoot her first.

The woman stared at her coldly. Their eyes held for a long moment, and then she nodded at Billy. "Okay. You can go."

Billy grabbed some towels from the bar, and his girlfriend brought them to Emma. She slid them under her hands, not daring to let up the pressure even for a second.

She was afraid the bullet had caught a lung. Lee's breathing was harsh and uneven, and he didn't seem to be able to speak. His eyes were open, but they were dazed and cloudy.

"Hang in there, Lee," she muttered fiercely. The towel soaked through and she reached for another. She had to stop the bleeding, she had to. "Stay with me."

----

Kara huddled in a corner of the hallway outside the bar, shuddering. She wasn't sure how much time had passed since she'd reported to the admiral, since she'd told him what she'd done. Every time she tried to focus, her thoughts slipped out of reach.

The sound of gunshots still echoed in her ears. All she could see was Lee falling to the floor over and over again, blood spraying from the wound in his chest. Blue eyes fixed accusingly on hers.

I'm sorry, Lee, I'm sorry. I didn't mean...it was an accident.

Oh gods, if he died she'd never forgive herself.

"Starbuck."

The voice repeated her name, with an authority that penetrated the fog surrounding her. She looked up to meet Adama's stern eyes. "Sir?"

"We're going in."

"Let me help," she said desperately, but he shook his head firmly.

"I'll take it from here." He stood up and signalled to the marines he'd brought with him. They were carrying a stretcher with a body on it, and Kara closed her eyes abruptly. Was that Lee?

Don't be stupid, he's still in there. Come on, you have to pull yourself together.

She shook her head, trying to clear it, and watched from her corner as Adama disappeared inside the bar.

After a few moments she heard gunshots. She jumped to her feet automatically, taking a step towards the bar entrance.

A marine appeared through the door. "Hostiles are all down. Hostiles are down."

Kara sighed with relief. She fell back against the wall, her legs wobbling beneath her. She stayed there, watching numbly as the hostages streamed out of the bar. Ellen Tigh, complaining. Dee, scolding Billy for thinking about grabbing a gun.

Emma, looking drained and exhausted, her hands and arms covered in blood.

Kara grabbed her shoulder. "Emma, is he-" She couldn't finish the sentence.

Emma nodded, her eyes full of sympathy. "He's still alive. The medics are bringing him now."

Kara almost crumpled with relief. She felt Emma's arm come round her shoulder, holding her up. "Is he going to be okay?"

Emma sighed. "I don't know."

----

Zak hurried towards life station. He'd been with the president on Colonial One when the hostage situation began. He hadn't been able to get clearance to return to Galactica until the crisis was over, and then his raptor had developed a malfunction that took several hours to repair.

When he finally arrived on Galactica, his father had met him with the welcome news that Lee was out of surgery, although his condition was still critical.

"I've just seen him. He hasn't come round from the anaesthetic yet, so I thought I'd grab the opportunity to check in on CIC, then I'll go back." Bill was looking immensely weary. "Are you heading there now?"

Zak nodded.

"Good. Kara's there, and…she's pretty broken up over all this. I told her she shouldn't blame herself; anything can happen in a chaotic situation like that, but I don't think she believed me." Bill sighed heavily. "You know what she's like."

"Yes."

"Maybe you'll have more luck talking to her."

"Maybe." Zak doubted it. His record with talking to Kara wasn't exactly stellar, particularly recently. He didn't relish the prospect.

The first person he saw when he entered life station was Ishay. She smiled at him and directed him to the critical care room, which was situated off the main ward.

Zak approached slowly, bracing himself both for seeing Lee's condition and for dealing with Kara.

He reached the doorway, and the sight that greeted him stopped him in his tracks.

Kara was sitting by Lee's bedside, clutching his brother's hand. She was facing the doorway, but she hadn't seen Zak; her eyes were fixed intently on Lee, as if he would disappear if she looked away, even for a second.

And she was crying. Not properly, but there were a couple of tears running slowly down her cheeks, and for Kara that was equivalent to a full-blown crying jag. Even after the attacks, she'd been resolutely dry eyed.

Then Zak heard what she was saying. She sounded different too, her voice shaky and uncertain.

"Lee, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do it, I didn't, you have to believe me…I'm so sorry."

So she was blaming herself. Typical Kara. He took a step forward, ready to offer some comfort, when he heard her next words.

"You have to stay with me, Lee. Listen to me. You have to stay. I can't manage without you. I need you." She paused, brushing a tear impatiently from her cheek. "I love you."

Her voice had dropped almost to a whisper, but Zak caught the words all too clearly. He stumbled backwards, almost reeling.

He'd known. Deep down he'd known, but hearing her say it out loud like that…

He retreated instinctively, vaguely aware of Ishay looking at him with concern as he stumbled past her. He found himself in the corridor outside life station, leaning his head against the wall and taking deep, shuddering breaths.

Kara loved Lee. No hiding from it any longer, no more burying his head in the sand. No more excuses.

He closed his eyes. His chest was suddenly tight, and he could feel tears pressing against the back of his eyelids.

Yes, he'd known. But that didn't make the truth any less painful.