Chapter 37: The Albatross About my Neck was Hung
(In which the Princess recalls something she thought she'd forgotten forever)

"Where?" Sakura asked. Suigetsu had pulled her along with Haya to the cliff side, but, when she had showed no intention of fleeing, had let her move over to the edge and peer down.

"Along the bank, tangled in those brambles," I pointed. "You see that tree that looks like it was hit by lightning?"

"She's not moving," Sasuke said, squinting against the setting sun.

"She could still be fine," I said, feeling a desperate hope rise in my chest that hadn't been able to catch hold until I saw her. My father had survived his supposed death, why couldn't Matsuri? "She could have survived the fall, couldn't she have? Sakura?"

Sakura hesitated, and I could tell that she didn't want to give me false hope, "It is possible, that the impact didn't kill her, yes. But, the water looks rocky. The chances of landing on a rock, of her drowning, or the force of hitting the surface being too much are greater than the chance of her surviving."

"I see," I said quietly. The chrysanthemum broke free from the tangles around Matsuri's legs and floated on down the river. When I could see it no longer, I asked, "How do we get to her?"

"There's a bridge up there," Suigetsu said, pointing with his free hand at a small wooden structure spanning the river further up stream.

"We'd better hurry," I backed away from the ledge. "It'll be difficult to find her once darkness falls."

"No," Sasuke said. I turned and looked back at him. "No, you need to go back to the castle."

"But, I want to go, too," I sent a pleading look to Gaara. He shook his head, agreeing with Sasuke. If I hadn't felt so lightheaded, I would have put up a greater fight. Instead I sighed and let them lead me away from the cliff edge.

We didn't go back to that horrible clearing, but instead further south where three horses were tied up. One was Leiko. He whickered a greeting to me, and I patted his nose affectionately, glad for his friendly face.

I leaned against Leiko, running my fingers through his long mane, while the others discussed who would go after Matsuri and who would return to the castle with me. It was decided that Suigetsu, Haya, Sasuke, and I would return to the castle, bringing two of the horses with us. Once I was safely back at Osaka Castle, Sasuke would see to it that Haya was under guard and then return back to the clearing to get Tero and then to the river with another horse. Sakura was staying with Gaara to have a look at Matsuri.

Using strips from her underskirt, Sakura bandaged me up quickly so I wouldn't bleed out on the trip back and waved us off. I watched them get smaller and smaller in the distance and wished I had more of a chance to talk to Gaara. To ask him how he's been, what happened with him and his father, and how he had managed to get back in time to help me.

When the pair was swallowed up by the forest, I turned forward and rested my forehead on Sasuke's back, feeling to weary to hold myself up. I don't know how long I slept, but it was completely dark when I woke up. I guessed that it was early morning, meaning that I'd probably been asleep for hours.

I sat up and winced at the soreness in my cramped muscles from sitting in one attitude for too long. Moving also brought pain from the burns on my legs and arms. Why couldn't Suigetsu have been gentler if he'd been on our side all along?

Remembering my questions I cleared my throat and asked, "Sasuke, do you feel like telling me what happened? How you and Gaara got to the forest?"

"You go first," Sasuke said. I could hear the tiredness in his voice and remembered that he'd been up all night while I had slept.

"Okay," I licked my lips and turned my head in a more comfortable position and began to tell the story. The new angle put Haya in my view. She was tied like a bundle to the back of Suigetsu's saddle, and it reminded me of the time with Akatsuki. I couldn't quite make myself feel bad for her. She saw me looking and bared her teeth at me.

When I finished, I waited expectantly for him to start his story. When he hadn't said anything for several minutes, I prompted, "Well?"

Sasuke nodded at Suigetsu, who took the hint and spurred his horse. When he and Haya were out of hearing range, Sasuke started, "The day that we went to the beach, I noticed that we were being trailed."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't want to tip the follower off or worry you. So I waited until we got back, then investigated and discovered that he was a stable hand. After following him around for a bit, I saw that he was reporting back to Haya," Sasuke said.

"Haya's been keeping tabs on us all along. Lady Karin has truly created the perfect spy," I said.

"Not completely perfect, because she made Lord Suigetsu upset. Suigetsu is allied with Lady Karin, though loosely, but Haya mistreated him and he also didn't want to cross me by hurting someone that I…care for. He's allied closer to me than he'd like. I saved his life once, so he owes me. And, he knows my forces are greater than his. Not too long after I found out about the stable hand, Suigetsu approached me and told me about what was going on with Haya. We couldn't do much yet, because we didn't have proof of anything except that she followed people around.

"And, Haya is good with manipulating people, so it would be better for us to catch her red handed. After we decided this, I sent a messenger after Lord Gaara. He was surprisingly close, I don't know why. I thought he'd be back in Marugame," Sasuke said. "And, you know the rest. If only we had shown up sooner…."

"Yeah," I said, and the conversation ended awkwardly in silence. Sasuke spurred Leiko to catch up with Suigetsu.

At the castle we were greeted by Lord Naruto and what looked to be about a hundred of his troops. His brow wrinkled when we moved closer and he asked, "Where's Sakura? She's not…dead?"

Lady Hinata shot him an odd look that was gone and smoothed over before I could interpret it.

"No," Sasuke answered, helping me dismount. "She stayed back to have a look at Matsuri. She was injured badly."

I gave his hand a thankful squeeze before relinquishing it and being pulled into Temari's motherly hug, glad that he had said injured badly instead of saying that she was probably dead.

Temari fretted over me, smoothing down my hair and examining all the rug burns Sakura had left uncovered. I felt guilty receiving this attention. I pulled away and asked, "Where's my father?"

"He's talking with other servants to see if there are any others who were with Haya. Lord Inoichi is good at getting them to talk," Kankurou answered.

I nodded and watched as Haya was pulled off the horse and brought down to the dungeons by Suigetsu and ten guards. I didn't notice when Sasuke came up behind me and jumped when he put a hand on my shoulder, "You need to go rest."

"I want to wait until Matsuri gets here," I said.

"No," Sasuke said. He pushed me back towards Temari, "Make sure she rests."

I wrinkled my nose at his coddling behavior, but allowed myself, for what had to be the fifth time, be pulled away. I followed Temari without complaint back to our rooms. She forced me to promise to sit until she returned.

And, then I was alone.

I don't want to be alone, not with this heavy load of guilt on my shoulders. I want someone to distract me, keep me from mulling. I considered going to the door and calling for a maid to keep me company until Temari returned, but my limbs weren't making much of an effort to listen to me.

So, I stared at the bedroom wall and mulled.

"Ino?"

Temari was standing in the doorway with a maid carrying bandage rolls and a pack of medical supplies. The look she gave me was one of deep concern. Kneeling in front of me, she studied my face and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just thinking."

The concerned look remained on her face as she waved the maid over. When she moved closer I saw that it was Megumi. I hadn't seen her in a while, as she'd been busy taking care of Keitaro. She helped me to stand and said, "Let's get you washed up."

An hour or so later I was all washed and bandaged up, sitting back on the bed. Temari sat behind me and brushed my hair. There was a smear on the wall. It was small and brownish, and I thought maybe it was a speck of old blood.

When I stared at it for too long, it would go out of focus so that it was barely discernable from the surrounding wall.

Temari finished braiding my hair and patted my back, "You get some rest. I'll be back to check on you later."

I caught her arm before she could leave, "Will you come and get me when they return?"

"Yes," Temari promised, then slipped out the door.

I think she expected me to sleep. But, I'd slept all the way back to the castle, and felt wide awake. My muscles felt stiff from sitting for so long, so I stood and paced.

"Please be okay," I whispered, pacing in a long elliptical around the room. I imagined that if I kept walking, eventually I would wear away the stone of the floor and the dirt, until I reached the center of the world. In the time it took for that to happen, would I be able to forgive myself?

I paused momentarily in my pacing. Not likely. I returned to pacing. When I moved past the smear on the wall, I glared at it. It seemed to be getting bigger each time I passed. That wasn't possible, was it?

Soon it was the size of a dinner plate and I couldn't rationalize the change in size anymore. Leaning out into the hallway, I called for a servant. An elderly man, who must have been quite strong in his prime judging by the square of his jaw and heavy set of his shoulders, answered my call.

I pointed at the growing smear on the wall, "Could you remove this mark? It's bothering me."

"There's nothing there, Lady," the servant said, his concerned gaze flickering between me and the spot I was indicating with an index finger. I was really growing tired of the concerned looks I was receiving lately.

"Oh, I'm sorry for taking up your time then," I said. The elderly servant cast one more glance at the wall, as if hoping that he would see something that he wash and put me more at ease, and then left with a bow.

I fell back on my bed and stared at the smear again until Temari returned.

She put a hand to my forehead and said, "You don't have a fever. That's good."

I sat up carefully to keep from antagonize my wounds and scooted to the edge of the bed, "Are they back?"

"Yes," another voice said.

I startled and saw Gaara standing in the doorway. He looked worn out and disheveled, but he managed a slight smile.

"Gaara!" I ran across the room and jumped into his arms. He caught me easily and pushed my bangs out of my face and behind my ear. I looked at him closely; he didn't seem to be mourning. I took that as a good sign. "Matsuri…?"

"She's…well, you'd better come with me," Gaara said.

I hooked my arm through Temari's, and we followed Gaara through several hallways and up a flight of stairs until we were in the hall that held Lady Hinata's rooms. We passed several doors, stopping in front of the last door in the corridor.

I felt sick to my stomach, knowing that this was the moment when I would see Matsuri and know her condition. Staring at the wide door, a strong urge to flee rose up in me, and I had to tighten my grip on Temari's arm to keep myself from submitting to the feeling.

Gaara opened the door, revealing a room embroidered with beautiful purple fabric and gold stitching. The furniture was carved from heavy, dark wood, with rich fabrics cushioning the seats. In the center of the room was a large bed that filled most of the room. Lying supine on the bed was a small woman, dwarfed by the immense size of the room.

Gaara stepped out of the way and Temari let go of my arm, letting me go ahead. I sat beside the bed and clasped my shaking hands. I studied Matsuri and saw that her chest was rising. I nearly fainted with relief.

"She's…she's okay," I sighed, falling back in the chair. "She is…isn't she?"

"She's unconscious," Gaara said. "She woke up for a few seconds on the ride back, but then fell back into her coma."

"Oh," I said.

"Sakura said there's a possibility she might still wake up and stay awake," Temari said.

"Oh," I said again.

"We'll leave and let you be alone with her," Temari said, ushering Gaara out and shutting the door behind the two of them.

I was alone again. Alone, with the personification of my guilt lying within arm's length, hardly hanging on to life. I opened my mouth to say something to her, but my throat was too dry and my tongue seemed to be swollen, so I closed it without speaking.

What would I have said anyway? I'm sorry that I let you die? I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough? No. Some things were better left unsaid.

I shifted in the chair and watched her like I watched the spot. She didn't grow or move or change in anyway, no matter how much I wished she would sit up and smile that expressive smile of hers. Or, caution me for slouching, telling me that her grandmother said it led to a hump in the neck. Or, asking me how we'd made it out alright.

I touched her arm briefly before pulling away, afraid that my hand would go through and prove her to be an illusion. I was so afraid that this was a dream of mine. That I was still back in the room, waiting for Temari to return with the bandages and I had fallen asleep. That this was wishful thinking of mine, that she was only asleep, but on the mend.

After three times of quickly touching her arm, I was convinced that I was indeed touching her skin and that though it was a bit clammy, it wasn't corpse cold. Encouraged, I laid my hand on hers and stroked her skin with my thumb.

Not knowing what to do or say, I sat like that for a long time. I don't know how long, but the light from the window dimmed a considerable amount, so I would guess it was hours that I sat there. Occasionally a maid would come in and check on the two of us. But, no visitors came. I wondered what everyone was up to.

"You know," I ventured, the light outside had faded so much that the last maid had lit candles before leaving, "you're lucky to be given this room. It's beautiful."

I smoothed her hair down, "You still have a couple of flowers in your hair."

"I'm really sorry for everything that happened. I'm older than you, I should have been strong enough to protect you. They didn't even want to hurt you, really. It's all my fault. I should have gone to Sasuke or Gaara, instead of thinking we could take care of it ourselves," I said, my voice breaking with an involuntary sob. "I'm so sorry, Matsuri."

The tears made my eyes tired. I rested my head next to her arm, thinking that I didn't want to be apart from her, even in the time it took for me to sleep. I had nearly slipped away into the realm of dreams when I heard, "Ino?..."

The voice was raspy. I looked up and saw Matsuri looking back at me.

"Matsuri!" I said, bolting straight up in my chair.

"You're okay? I'm so glad…," she said. She looked around, "I'm thirsty."

I helped her drink from a glass a maid had left on the elaborate side table. When she had drained it all she fell back against her pillow with a content sigh.

"I'm sorry I was so quiet earlier…I was just discouraged. You…Sakura said you were in love…," Matsuri broke off, her eyebrows furrowing. "I…I can't feel my legs. Ino, why can't I feel my legs? I can't move them!"

She frantically ripped the blanket from her body and started smacking her legs, "I can see them, but it's like they're not there!"

Her voice grew louder and more hysteric. Several maids flooded the room and I realized they weren't just maids, but nurses. They pushed me out, leaving me standing by myself outside the door. I stood there, listening to Matsuri's sobbing and the nurses' hushed tones until Gaara showed up with Sakura.

"Ino, what's going on?" Gaara asked. I could tell that Sakura was already in her professional medic mode by her stance and the firmness in her expression. She seemed anxious to be inside with Matsuri, but I was hesitant to let them pass.

"Matsuri woke up, but can't feel her legs," I said. Nodding my head towards Sakura, I asked, "Can we trust her?"

"We won't leave her alone with Matsuri and have her supervised constantly," Gaara said. "I don't like it any more than you do, but she's the best nurse anyone knows excepting Lady Tsunade."

I shrugged and moved out of the way, letting Sakura enter. Gaara stayed outside with me.

"I missed you," I said.

"I missed you, too," he said.

My knees started quaking, feeling too weak to hold me up, so I leaned against the wall.

"Have you eaten anything today?" Gaara asked, noticing my sudden shakiness.

I shook my head, "No, I haven't been able to stomach anything."

"You should try again," Gaara said, leading me to the kitchen. The meal had already ended, but the kitchen servants were just now eating, scarfing down dinner scraps mixed into a thick soup. They stopped and stood suddenly, shocked to see a lord and a lady enter into a work room at this time of night.

Gaara asked for a small meal for me, and they had it finished and passed to me before he completed the sentence. I took the bowl gratefully, eating with more hunger than I realized I had. When the meal was finished, we left the kitchen and headed back up to my chambers.

The walk back was silent. Gaara kept glancing at me, as if worried that I would suddenly start fatally bleeding, or reveal some sort of life threatening wound that hadn't been apparent before. The attention was…nice.

I reached over and caught his hand in mine. He didn't pull away, so we arrived at my rooms with hands intertwined. I wish my heart was free to feel as light and happy as it wanted to. I paused in front of my door, not wanting to leave when I had just gotten to see Gaara after so long.

Gaara pushed my bangs out of my face again, this time letting his hand trail down the side of my cheek, careful to keep clear of the bandaged cut. He studied my face as if he never wanted to look away. I felt a sob stick in my throat, though whether it was a happy or sad one, I didn't know. Overwhelmed, I buried my face in his chest, and closed my eyes while he rubbed my back.

I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but the time didn't seem right, so I held back.

He opened my door and helped me into bed, tucking the blankets tight around my neck. I could tell from the awkwardness in his hands that no one had ever done this for him before, and he was guessing on what the situation called him to do. He promised to come get me if there were any developments in Matsuri's situation, and I made a silent promise to give him the affection he'd missed out on all these years.

I must have really needed comfort, because I dreamed of my mother that night. She sat next to the window overlooking the castle garden that she tended personally. It had been her favorite spot when she was alive, and it was common to find her there, reading or playing an instrument. When she noticed me, she called me over. I ran to her and snuggled on her lap while she ran her fingers through my hair and hummed.

The tune she hummed was familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. My dream self didn't bother to try and figure it out, knowing that my wakeful self would mull it over and eventually discover where I recognized it from, instead, leaning back into my mother's fingers and enjoying the rare moment I got to spend with her.

It wasn't until I nearly finished eating breakfast the next day that I realized it was the lullaby my mother used to sing to me, that I couldn't remember in my time with the Akatsuki.