No Solid Ground

by Swinging Cloud

"Everything is falling apart. Nothing makes sense anymore, and it's only a matter of time before our luck runs out, before one or all of us end up dead. In the crazy chaos that's become my life, I'm only completely certain of three things: My name is Santana. Brittany means more to me than literally the entire universe. And we can't- we can't- lose this war." Brittana. AU. AniGlee

37. Selfish

Hey, everyone. :)

I wanted to have this up on Monday, but as you can probably tell, not only did that not happen, but this chapter turned into the longest chapter ever. I hope you'll still accept it, though.

Thanks to everyone who responded to the last chapter! All of your comments were either very amusing or very thought-provoking, so it was actually really wonderful hearing from you. I pretty much have the best readers.

This chapter is not as painful as the last chapter, but still pretty angsty, and I'm sorry for that. Just hang in there. It'll get better… maybe. ;)

Happy reading!

---

The flight home was spent in silence. Brittany was quiet, and I didn't know what to say. What could I say? I didn't have a clue. I didn't know how to reassure her because I had no idea what she was thinking, what she was feeling. And I didn't want to initiate such a serious conversation as a bird, for fuck's sake. If I was going to reassure her, I wanted her to know my words were genuine; I wanted her to see it in my eyes.

So we flew in silence.

Which kind of killed me, I mean- I knew Brittany was hurting, and there was nothing I could do about it; not yet. I ran through a list of people in my head, people to blame. And as the anger built in me, the solution became clearer and clearer in my mind.

I knew what I had to do.

Once we reached the Batcave and were back to human, Brittany grabbed my hand so tightly I thought she might crush it.

"Don't- don't leave," she pleaded, her voice cracking. I looked at her pitiful expression, at the tears already starting to form in her blue eyes. She was trembling lightly, and I shook my head.

"I won't," I promised firmly, squeezing her hand. I pulled her into me, wrapping my arm around her shoulder, and kissed her temple. She leaned against me and I guided her to the lift.

Sam and the others were waiting anxiously in the main room as we entered. They were talking, but they stopped that shit quickly once they saw me and Brittany. Sam stood up from his seat and slowly began to approach us, looking concerned.

I held up a hand to halt him, giving him a steely glare. He snapped his humongous mouth shut and no one said a word as I carefully steered Brittany to our room.

Once inside with the door shut, I sat her down on the edge of the bed gently, then fell to my knees in front of her, reaching up to stroke some stray blonde hairs back from her face. I cupped her cheek and looked into her eyes.

"Is there anything you need?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

She shook her head and swallowed thickly. When she spoke, her voice was tiny, trembling. "Just you."

I felt my heart breaking all over again. "Oh, Britt-"

"Can we-" she choked. "Can we just lay here for a while? I'm not-" She bit her lip. She was shaking, struggling not to cry.

"Of course," I murmured. "Let me just go get some water, okay?"

Brittany's eyes widened in terror, but she nodded. "Okay."

"Lay down. I'll be right back, I promise. I promise."

Brittany moved hesitantly to do as I said, and I kissed her forehead, letting my lips linger before straightening up and pulling away. Brittany's face looked so sad, so miserable. She was in so much pain, and there was nothing I could do about it, and that made me angry. In that moment, I hated every single person who had ever hurt her, and I would do anything- anything- to keep her from being hurt in the future.

I slipped out and gently closed the door behind me, careful not to make too much noise, and when I turned to make my way to the kitchen, I was confronted with Sam and the others again. I felt my anger spiking as Sam opened his mouth.

"How is sh-"

THWACK!

My fist connected with Sam's face and he staggered back, his arms flailing a moment as he teetered before regaining his footing. Mercedes gasped from somewhere behind him. The others looked at me with wide, shocked eyes. Sam shot me a surprised glare, his hazel eyes understanding but hurt, which infuriated me further. Blood dripped in a steady stream down his chin. I guess I had busted open one of his guppy lips- good.

"Santana, what-"

"You ASSHOLE," I snarled. I stabbed my finger at him. "I told you I didn't want to fucking do that stupid mission! Because of you, Brittany-"

"It's not me you're angry with," Sam interrupted quietly, riling me even more. How the fuck does he know who I'm angry with? I sure as hell was angry with him! I only wished he'd get angry, too, and fight me so I'd have an excuse to beat his ass.

"No, you are the one who asked for my advice and then didn't fucking listen to it! I told you the mission was a bad idea, and I was right."

Sam wiped his chin, effectively smearing the blood across it, and spat, "I didn't see you offering up a better plan, Santana."

I glared at him. "I could've; but now it doesn't fucking matter." I narrowed my eyes further, lowered my voice to a hiss, "We're done with this. We're leaving, and we're not fucking coming back."

I spun on my heel and stormed into the kitchen to get my glass of water, leaving behind stunned silence. But I didn't care. They could be stunned all they wanted. Brittany had done enough for this stupid war. She would never leave on her own, she was far too honorable for that. Which meant I had to be the dishonorable one. I had to make the decision for both of us.

I shook my head at myself, chuckling darkly. I had to be the bad guy.

I had to be selfish.

Brittany's Yeerk had been right.

---

The sight of Brittany on the bed when I re-entered our room broke my heart all over again. She was curled into a tight ball, her eyes squeezed closed in anguish, shaking violently. I sat down on the bed next to her and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, and she jerked, her eyes snapping open in terror. My heart squeezed painfully in my chest.

"Britt…" I said softly.

She snatched my hand from where I had pulled it back from her shoulder, and clenched it tightly in hers, pulling it to her chest.

"Santana," she whimpered. "Will you- will-" she took a shuddering breath, and I leaned forward and pressed my lips to the side of her head, breathing in her scent. I knew what she wanted- what she needed. It's the same thing I needed when I was broken.

I carefully climbed onto the bed behind her, curling myself around her and hugging her tightly to my body, so that we were pressed flush, touching in every possible place. She hugged my arm to her chest, and it took me a moment to realize she was silently crying.

"Oh, Britt," I whispered into her hair, pressing a kiss there. "I'm here, honey."

She cried for a long time. I wondered how she still had so many tears left in her, but I didn't mind. I just held her tightly to me and let her sob while I whispered reassuring things against her hair. Eventually, she stopped crying and just stared blankly at the wall in front of us, completely silent and still, except for her light trembling.

I pressed kisses into her hair, into her shoulder, against the base of her neck, listening to her deep, shaky breaths. My thoughts were scattered everywhere- I was dying to know what she was thinking, what she was feeling, but I didn't want to pressure her. I didn't want to push her into talking about it if she wasn't ready, but not knowing what was going on inside her pretty head was worrying me. It was then that a thought occurred to me-

"Britt, you need to eat," I said softly. She shook her head slowly, and I tightened my grip on her. "Britt…"

"I'll be okay for a- a while," she said, so quiet I almost didn't hear her.

"What? Brittany, you almost starved," I said, cringing at the fact that I had to bring up her ordeal. I had a feeling that she was trying to block the whole thing out. I mean, I was, too.

She hugged my arm to her even more tightly. "It's true that my cell structure had begun to break down due to lack of nutrients; however, the transforming process reconstructed them completely. Very soon my body will start the process over, and not even transforming will be able to alleviate the progression, but I have some time. I just-" she paused to swallow. "I just don't want to leave, yet."

I pulled her in as close to me as possible. "Okay," I whispered. "We don't have to right now. But soon, all right?"

"Soon," Brittany promised, her eyes slipping closed.

I nuzzled my face into her hair, surrounded by her living scent, as Brittany drifted off to sleep. I hoped her dreams were peaceful. I hoped she was able to rest a little and escape her own thoughts for a short while. I still had no idea what she'd been thinking or feeling, but I knew with more time she would open up to me. I just had to give her time, right?

A soft knock on the door made me glance at the clock, and I realized an hour had already passed. Brittany was still asleep against me, and the thought made me sad but relieved. I was glad she was sleeping- but mostly upset about what she'd endured that had made her so exhausted in the first place.

"Come in," I said quietly, careful to keep my voice down.

The door opened slowly and Sam poked his head inside. His fishy lips showed no signs of damage, which meant he'd transformed to heal himself. Puss. I sat up slightly and narrowed my eyes at him, already on the defensive of whatever he had to say. He was basically the last person I wanted to see, and his expression told me he knew it, too.

Sam cleared his throat uneasily, hesitating. "We, uh- we're about to have a meeting before we embark on our mission," he said. He looked at me hopefully. "Do you-"

"Not interested," I hissed. Quietly.

"Santana-"

"Fuck the hell off, Sam. I'm not leaving Brittany. I told you, we're done with this."

Sam glared at me for a moment, his eyes hard and blaming. I didn't care. He could be angry all he wanted. I wasn't going to change my mind.

After a moment, he slipped out, closing the door gently behind him. Well, at least he was considerate of Brittany. Once he was gone, my eyes fell to Brittany's quietly sleeping form against me again. I reached up to brush some hair off her forehead, letting my fingers stroke through the blonde strands. She hummed slightly and, even in her sleep, she leaned into my touch. It made me smile.

My smile fell when I realized Brittany still hadn't stopped trembling. I glanced at the clock again- she'd been transformed for almost two hours. I bit my lip. It would be so easy to just let her sleep; then she'd be human- permanently- and we could escape this life, escape this war, and go live out our days together like I'd planned- on some wild island, eating coconuts or whatever. The thought of Brittany in a bikini was definitely appealing.

I swallowed. As much as I wanted to just let her trap herself, I couldn't do that. It wouldn't be right, would it? She had to make that decision; it wasn't my decision to make. I didn't want her to wake up and regret it- she had enough regrets. So instead of snuggling down against her and forgetting about the world, I pressed a firm kiss to her temple and breathed her name over her skin.

Brittany shifted, mumbling incoherently, and I kissed her cheek, then her jaw, and she turned onto her back, blinking up at me and still clutching my arm to her like a security blanket. I nudged my nose against hers.

"Hi," I whispered.

"Hi," she breathed. Her expression was still sad, still strained, and it made my heart ache.

"You have to transform," I said, cupping her cheek. She averted her eyes and bit her lip. After a moment, she nodded, raising her gaze back to mine. Her eyes were shiny with tears, and I'd never felt more helpless. I stared at her, willing her silently to talk to me, to tell me what was going on in her brain-

She swallowed and turned her face away, breaking eye contact and moving to sit up. I let my breath out slowly as she began to shift back to her natural form.

She still hadn't stopped shaking.

---

Once she re-transformed, we returned back to the same position, with me spooning Brittany from behind. She fell back asleep almost instantly- something I was grateful for. At least she felt safe enough near me to get some rest. At least, I hoped that's what her reasons were.

I watched her sleep for a little over thirty minutes, convincing myself more and more of the solution I'd decided on. I had to get her- us- out of this stupid war. I had joked in the past about going away somewhere, but now I was more-than-seriously considering it. I couldn't let anyone hurt Brittany ever again.

Beiste was in the war now, once she got out of lockdown. She was far more experienced, more trained, more capable of handling a war than I was- than any of us were. It wasn't my responsibility to fight the Yeerks. I mean, why were Brittany and I constantly putting ourselves in danger? That's what we paid people like Beiste for.

I mean, we Transformers had done damage to the Yeerks- and despite everything, they grew stronger, kept infesting more people by the day, dangled our loved ones in front of us, killed people we cared about. We never caused huge, crippling damage to the Yeerks. We risked everything to be a small annoyance- a mosquito bite, or a flat tire- and yet we barely escaped with our lives. Every. Single. Time.

Well, it was time to throw in the towel and let the people who actually know what the fuck they're doing handle it. We were never prepared to fight this stupid war- we'd been thrown into it, scared and clueless, and nothing had changed since we'd started- not really. I still felt just as close to dying on every mission as I did on that very first one. Hamsters running in wheels but getting nowhere. Einstein's definition of insanity.

At some point during my troubled thinking, Brittany released my arm and shifted away from me on the bed. It concerned me- mainly because she'd never pulled away from me while sleeping before; not unless it was on purpose. Had she pulled away on purpose? The thought hurt, but I tried to calm myself- she was sleeping. Maybe she couldn't control it. I reassured myself, but doubt still lingered in the very back of my mind, and I felt lame for feeling upset in the first place. It was a little far-reaching to get hurt by something someone does in their sleep. God, I was definitely losing it.

I tried instead to look at Brittany's movement as a good thing- now I could slip away without waking her. Sam and the others would be gone, which meant I could begin to set my plan into motion.

The first thing I had to do was talk to Sugar.

I quietly slipped from the bed, casting one longing look at Brittany. I hoped she wouldn't wake up while I was gone.

---

"So can you do it?" I asked, crossing my arms impatiently. "'Cause if not, then…"

Sugar shrugged indifferently. "I'm sure I can- I mean, I am the richest person in this state. If I can't manage to secure some reasonably-legit papers, then that would just be pathetic." I let out a relieved sigh, at the same time rolling my eyes as Sugar continued, "and just for the record, I'd like to clear up that my father is not in the Mafia."

I gave her a confused look. People actually believed that? "Of course not. That would actually make sense. Having a daughter infested by an evil alien from across the galaxy is just so much more ridiculous."

"I'm not actually infested anymore," Sugar pointed out. "It's too dangerous for me to get a new Yeerk. It could bring our entire operation down."

"Uh-huh."

Sugar flipped her hair over her shoulder carelessly. "I'll get back to you as soon as they're ready," she said bluntly, and then she left, strolling out the doorway and leaving me standing, stunned. She hadn't been surprised at all by my request, and was actually pretty enthusiastic about it. I really couldn't believe that something was finally going my way.

But I wasn't going to complain about it. It was about time, after all.

---

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. With Sam and the others gone, it was eerily quiet. The parents mostly kept to themselves, and I assumed Puck was spending time with his sister, Esther. I knew Sugar and her ever-present minions were lurking around somewhere, but they mostly stayed away from our area of the underground labyrinth Sugar had built. It still boggled my mind how big it was, but honestly, I didn't really mind the peace and solitude.

I spent the evening eating some frozen junk food that I had found in the freezer and flipping through channels, trying to decide between reruns of The Guy Code and reruns of Diff'rent Strokes. All of it seemed equally unappealing, and wasn't doing a good enough job of distracting me from my troubled thoughts.

Brittany spent most of the time sleeping as a human, curled on the couch nearby, but still maintaining her distance from me. She only moved to transform every two hours to restart her time limit, spending as little time in her natural form as possible. It made me sad, but I wanted to give her as much space and time as she needed, regardless of how hard it was for me, because this wasn't about me at all. It was about her. I tried not to be selfish.

After a while, she roused and sat up fully, pulling her knees to her chest and leaning against the arm of the couch opposite from where I was sitting. I tried to coax her to eat something, because she was still shaking, but she refused, and I couldn't really blame her- the microwave snacks I had found weren't the most appetizing foods in the world.

Eventually I gave up and just left her alone. She would eat when she was ready, right? I tried not to think of the alternative, and instead focused on the episode of Wizards of Waverly Place I had settled on. Whatever, don't judge me.

After the episode, the Disney Channel was showing Monsters, Inc., I guess because it had just been re-released or something, I don't know. Like I had time to keep up with anything going on other than the stupid war? I smiled to myself- that was all going to change. Soon.

I let the movie play and allowed myself to get completely drawn in- so I was pleasantly surprised when Brittany's pinky cautiously touched mine. I looked at her, and her expression was a mix between scared, hopeful, and longing. I offered her a genuine smile, and she hooked our pinkies together. I turned back to the movie, but our physical closeness progressed- eventually, all our fingers ended up laced together. Then, her head was on my shoulder. And by the time the end of the movie came, Brittany had her head in my lap while I stroked fingers through her hair and completely ignored the movie to study her beautiful face.

When it was time for bed, Brittany immediately pulled away and moved to lie on the bed with her back facing me. Again, I tried to suppress my hurt feelings- it felt like it'd been ages since I'd kissed her, since she'd touched me, since we'd been close- and instead took her gesture as an invitation to slide in behind her and hold her, which I accepted.

I kissed the back of her neck softly, squeezing her to me. She was still trembling lightly and I really couldn't hold in my concern anymore. "B, can we please go to the meadow in the morning?" I breathed. "I'm really worried about you."

"Okay," she whispered, sounding anguished. I took a deep breath, trying not to feel so sad. Maybe once she ate something, she'd feel better. Maybe some fresh air would lift her spirits a little. Maybe she just needed to get out of dark, underground spaces and escape her claustrophobia for a while.

I fell asleep trying to reassure myself with those thoughts, but I don't think any fraction of me believed it.

---

The next morning I woke up early, sprawled on my stomach, and noticing right away that Brittany wasn't in my arms. I immediately searched for her and found her sitting as far away from me on the bed as possible, wide awake and hugging her knees again. It surprised me- normally she stayed human until I fell asleep, and then returned to her true form to sleep the rest of the night-

Oh.

I swallowed suddenly, feeling a lump in my throat. She'd slept so much the day before so she wouldn't have to sleep last night- so she wouldn't have to return to her true form for any length of time. Had she stayed up all night last night as a human, transforming every two hours? I shook my head slowly, my heart beating painfully in my chest at the thought of her alone with her thoughts all night while I slept. I wished she had woken me up.

"Britt," I mumbled, reaching for her. She flinched at my touch and I drew back my hand as if I'd been burned. She shook her head quickly and I bit my lip, trying to stifle the numbness that was slowly taking over my body. She was shutting me out, shutting down completely- and there was nothing I could do about it.

Reminding myself about space, I silently got up and threw on clothes. It was quiet in the halls. I guessed Sam and the others still hadn't returned. When I was ready, Brittany rose soundlessly beside me and we walked to the lift in silence. The small space between our bodies might as well have been miles with how disconnected I felt to her. I struggled to keep my feelings of dejection under control, chanting the same things- she was hurt, she was hurting, she needed space- but I couldn't help the fact that being so cut off was painful for me. Brittany was sinking into herself and withdrawing from me and that was the last thing that I wanted.

When we reached the meadow, Brittany took a deep breath, avoiding my eyes. I opened my mouth to say something, to encourage her, but she brushed me off and walked out onto the grass, leaving me standing by my usual Tree of Misery. I swallowed, staring at the tree glumly- at least its name was accurate, now.

I sank down into my usual spot and waited. My eyes didn't leave Brittany's form as she reverted back to Andalite and took hesitant, wobbly steps across the grass. Maybe this would be all right. Maybe the fresh air and sunlight and food would make her feel better. Maybe-

[You are the human named Santana, correct?]

I jumped at the sudden thought-speak voice in my head, tensing immediately. I recognized the voice- it was Affay- but I was extremely wary of her sudden presence. I was instantly on guard- was Gesii with her? Was this some sort of ambush? I shifted, preparing to stand, when Affay spoke again.

[Do not get up. I would rather our conversation remain private.]

I subtly scanned around me- but I couldn't see Affay. It suddenly occurred to me that she could be transformed- she could be anything. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at a tiny beetle crawling next to my shoe.

She laughed in my head, and my anger spiked quickly at the sound. I was rapidly losing my patience, and I definitely didn't like being laughed at.

[You humans are way too paranoid,] she snickered. [I assure you, I am in my natural form. But that is unimportant. I have a- favor to ask. Yes, a favor.]

I raised my eyebrow. "A favor?" I grumbled. Why the fuck would Affay need a favor from me? Me, of all people? And why the fuck would she expect me to help her? She obviously didn't know me at all.

I was about to reply when in the distance, I saw Brittany begin to run. Her steps were heavy, clumsy, even. Her hooves pounded the ground, so unlike Brittany's usual light gait. I thought about Affay- about how she'd struck Brittany down when she was a Controller, keeping her from escaping. About how she'd forced Brittany back to her natural form, preventing her from being trapped mid-transformation. And I swallowed the scathing retort that I had been about to deliver, and instead asked, "What kind of favor?"

[I need you to help me destroy Gesii-Saynt-Djaims.]

The sound of Brittany's hoof catching on something reached my ears, and in the next instant she stumbled. She tried to catch herself, but she was too off-balance. She hit the ground and slid, and I cringed at the sight of her body hitting the grass. My heart was pounding, aching. My poor, poor girl. She was so off, so deeply troubled. There was nothing I could do to help her, nothing-

My blood ran cold.

Destroy Gesii-Saynt-Djaims.

It was his fault Brittany was faltering. It was his fault that she'd been infested, that she'd been tormented, that she'd been hurt so badly-

I stood up, clenching my fists, and jerked my head in a quick nod as I strode purposefully across the grass to Brittany's side.

Destroy Gesii-Saynt-Djaims.

He was going to pay for what he'd done to Brittany.

[Your cooperation is greatly appreciated. Meet me back here tonight when the sun goes down.]

I nodded again to show that I'd heard her, and she didn't respond, but I knew she got the message. I'd worry about her later- right now the person who meant more to me than the entire world was in pain, which meant that nothing else mattered.

I slowed my pace as I got closer to Brittany's collapsed body, approaching her cautiously. She'd sat up slightly, but she was still pretty much sprawled in the grass. As I got even closer, I noticed her shoulders were shaking, and a sad wheezing noise was coming from her. She was crying.

"Oh, Britt," I whispered sadly, sliding to my knees beside her. A tiny voice in my head warned me to give her space, to leave her be, but I told that voice to fuck off and gently touched her shoulder. She tried to pull away, but I refused to let her- enough was enough. I wasn't going to let her suffer alone anymore. Call me selfish or whatever.

"No, Britt, no-" I breathed, shaking my head and holding her shoulder more firmly, keeping her from jerking out of my grip. I slid closer, cupping her face with my left hand. I thumbed her tears away and she let me pull her against me, burying her face in my neck. I hugged her as she cried, and even though she was an Andalite, it didn't bother me. Brittany was Brittany to me.

Once she calmed down a little, she pulled back to look at me. She gazed into my eyes for a long time, searching for something, and I let her, allowed myself to be found. Her blue eyes were dull and empty, devoid of their usual shine. It was a painful reminder that Brittany was still suffering.

After a while I reached up to hold her face again, and she leaned into my touch a little, not taking her eyes from mine. I reached out with my other hand to find hers and locked our fingers together, cradling her hand to my chest.

"B, talk to me- please," I pleaded softly. "Tell me what you're thinking."

[I'm thinking about your eyes,] she said sadly. [Your beautiful, perfect eyes.]

"Britt," I said hoarsely, my throat suddenly feeling dry. I squeezed her hand tighter, brought her face closer to mine, so that our foreheads touched. It was a weird sensation. "You know what I mean."

Brittany shook her head slowly, and then she began to change. Once she was fully human and mirroring my position on her knees, still holding my hand, she took a deep breath. "I don't know," she whispered.

I stroked the back of her hand soothingly. "You're obviously hurting," I said. "But what's wrong? What's hurting you? I can't-" I paused, trying to compose myself. I was getting emotional, and that's the last thing Brittany needed. "I can't help you if I don't know what's going on in your mind."

"I feel-" Brittany started, then shook her head. "I don't know how I feel."

"Okay," I said slowly, sitting back on my feet. I thought for a moment. "You've been spending a lot of time as a human," I pointed out. Brittany nodded. "Do you-" I bit my lip. Should I tell her about my plan? I guess now was as good a time as any, right? But what if she said no? What if she refused to go away with me?

Oh, God, what if she rejected me?

I inwardly rolled my eyes at myself. I needed to stop being a pussy and just do it.

"Do you want to go away with me?" I said in a rush.

Brittany studied my face curiously. Her eyes gained a little of their light back, but not much. Still- it gave me a tiny bit of hope. Maybe-

"Go away?" she asked, her voice neutral and dull, and I hoped it was just her trying not to get excited. "What do you mean?"

I took a deep breath. "Remember when I said we should just- just leave?" I asked quickly. "Just leave it all behind and go somewhere where the Yeerks won't find us, just you and me, and we wouldn't have to fight anymore, we could just-"

"Leave the war?" Brittany whispered, her eyes widening but not with shock, not with surprise. With something else, and I hoped it was with resolution- with finally finding what she'd been searching for.

"Yeah- you and me. Me and you. Both of us- together," I said, quoting Monsters, Inc. without even realizing it. I wanted to slap myself for being such a creep, but Brittany's lips gave the faintest lift into a smile- the first one I'd seen in so long- and instead I wanted to pat myself on the back. "You could be human all the time, and we could live out the rest of our lives together."

Brittany looked like she was warming up to the idea, and I thought I'd convinced her- but then, just as quickly, she shut down again, and shook her head. "I- I don't know." My face fell. Brittany stared at me. "I want to, I just- I don't- I feel-"

"Tell me how you feel, Brittany. Please. Please don't shut me out," I begged. I didn't even care. I was tired of being shut out. "Please."

"I feel tainted," Brittany whispered, avoiding my eyes. I sat, stunned, and waited for her to go on, hoping that she would elaborate. "I feel- uncomfortable in my own skin."

"But if you were human-"

"It's not just being an Andalite," she said quickly. "Although that's a lot of it. It's-" she paused. "I can't stand when you look at me."

I felt like I'd been punched in the chest. Like I couldn't breathe. I tried to take a deep breath, but I felt tears coming to my eyes, clouding my vision.

"Santana-"

I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head.

"Santana, it's not what you think," Brittany said angrily, miserably. "I can't stand when you look at me because I feel like you can see me."

"I've always seen you, Brittany," I managed to say in between trying to keep myself from breaking into sobs. I knew I was getting emotional too quickly but fuck, I couldn't help it, I'd been holding myself back for too long. "I thought that was a good thing."

Brittany looked at me sadly. "Oh, honey- it is, but-"

"Then what's the problem?" My voice cracked. The painful feeling in my chest squeezed tighter around my heart.

"You weren't supposed to see the bad parts!" Brittany said suddenly.

"When I was split you saw all my bad parts," I said accusingly. "What does it matter?"

Brittany shook her head. "That's not even close," she said bitterly.

"How?" I demanded. "Part of me is a violent psychopath-"

"And I'm stupid!" Brittany cried as she stood up abruptly, sounding completely anguished. She swiped angrily at the tears falling from her eyes, breathing hard. "You were the only- the only person who didn't look at me like I was useless! You were the only one who didn't think I was stupid, and I finally f-felt like maybe I wasn't- but now you've seen that I a-am, and you know the truth and I can't-" she sobbed violently, collapsing back to the ground and burying her face in her hands.

I shook my head slowly, completely baffled by her outburst. "Oh, my, God," I breathed, the squeezing feeling in my chest tightening even further. I didn't even know what to say. I knew that even if I told Brittany that I didn't think she was stupid, she wouldn't believe me. I had to think of some other way to prove it to her, some other way to show her that, yes, I did see her- all of her- and I still loved those parts, just like she still loved mine-

"I know you get angry and it's hard for you sometimes," she mumbled into her hands through her sobs. "But- that means nothing to me. You're so s-smart, and beautiful, and I'm stupid, and useless, and-" she took a shuddering breath, "and that's why I can't go aw-way with you."

"Britt, I don't-" I started. "I don't understand how-"

She looked up at me. Her blue eyes were so full of love and adoration, but shiny with tears. They streaked down her face. She looked completely devastated, heartbroken. "I can't be human," she whispered. "Not if I can't be with you."

"You can, baby, just-"

"I can't. You've seen me, Santana." She offered me a broken, mournful smile.

"And you've seen me," I countered.

"I told you, that's-"

"Nothing to me," I finished. "Nothing, Brittany. You mean- everything to me." I moved closer to her and grabbed her hand, relieved when she let me. "I'll never leave your side. Just- come away with me. Leave all of this behind, and I swear to you, Brittany- I'll be with you until the world ends."

"You swear?" Brittany asked bitterly. She shook her head, a sardonic, lopsided smile coming to her lips. "You know- I knew you wouldn't keep your word to that Yeerk."

I reeled back as if I'd been hit. "What?"

Brittany looked at me. A shiver rolled down my spine. "I lied to that Yeerk to make it think you would keep your word- but I knew you wouldn't. I wanted you to kill it," she confessed in a whisper.

I swallowed and averted my eyes from Brittany's intense gaze, completely overwhelmed by her confession, and unsure how I felt about the knowledge that Brittany knew me a lot more intimately than I'd previously thought. Is that why she believed I wouldn't keep my word on being with her? The two scenarios weren't even comparable. "Britt, you have to know-"

"I do," she said, firm and clear. Our eyes met. Her gaze was chilling, and I felt completely exposed under it. "I do know."

---

The rest of the day went by awkwardly. Sam and the others returned, looking somber and defeated, and I knew their mission had not gone well. It made me all the more glad that I had chosen not to go on it. It would've been a waste of my time, another horror to add to the long list of horrors I'd already endured, and for what? Nothing. It would've accomplished nothing.

The closer it grew to sundown, the more anxious I became about slipping out to meet with Affay. Would Brittany get suspicious? Would she question where I was going? Would she even let me leave, or did she need me close? I worried about how I was going to get away, but when the time came, I realized it was all pointless.

Brittany had been extremely distant with me since our conversation in the meadow, and I had no idea what to say, which was becoming a lot more frequent response for me. I didn't like it, but I also didn't really know how to fix it, so I just let it be. Brittany had shut me out almost completely, and I knew I wasn't going to get back in until she was ready to let me in- if she was ever going to be ready to let me in.

I tried not to think too much about that being a real possibility.

So instead of getting upset that Brittany didn't even care to ask where I was going, I slipped on my favorite hooded jacket and told myself it was advantageous to me that she didn't question my departure. I'd defeat Gesii-Saynt-Djaims and prove once and for all that I was serious about her future with me.

When I got to the meadow I took a deep breath and made my way over to my spot. It felt weird being there without Brittany, and I couldn't help feeling like I was betraying her somehow, even though I wasn't exactly doing anything wrong. I didn't think she'd approve of my conspiring to kill Gesii, but then again, she'd wanted me to kill her Yeerk-

[You're late,] Affay's voice snapped into my head, and I shrugged my shoulders.

"You said when the sun sets. That's not exactly a specific time."

[Do you have a childish remark for everything?]

"That was not childish," I huffed. I scanned around me, waiting for Affay to show herself. When she didn't immediately appear, I crossed my arms impatiently. "Look- I'm here, right? Are we going to do this thing or not?"

Affay laughed in my head, and it suddenly occurred to me the kind of dangerous position I was in. No one knew where I was. I had flown out here to meet with Affay, but she could've easily set me up into a trap. Gesii could spring out and attack me before I could even transform, and-

Leaves crunched and I whipped my head, preparing to transform to cheetah as fast as I could. I could run-

[Relax,] Affay said as she stepped into my line of sight. [I'm not here to attack you.]

I eased up a little, but not much. "Then what are you here for?"

[Straight to the point, I like that. I told you- I need a favor.]

"Right- to destroy Gesii. But why? Aren't you supposed to be his minion or something?"

Affay glared at me. Her tail twitched in annoyance. [That darkapur needs to be reminded of his place. I saw what he did to you, it ain't right… It would benefit both of us if he was removed from the situation. Then I could actually carry out the real orders from the Fleet.]

I looked at her skeptically. "What real orders?"

[Not your concern, human.]

"Okay," I said slowly. "So you need me to defeat Gesii for you?"

[Are you up to the task?]

I nodded, my expression turning hard. "Yeah. For what he did to Brittany, I'll make him suffer-"

[Look, I don't care about all that,] Affay said dismissively. [That's your business. I just wanted to know if you would.]

"Yes. But why won't you do it? You're far better prepared than I-"

[Shain is too loyal to Gesii,] she interrupted coldly. [He would interfere, and I can't take on both of them. If he didn't interfere, he would report to the Fleet that it was me- he's not as dumb as he appears. And there's a lot more politics at work in this situation, things he doesn't- wouldn't understand. I can't have a false accusation on my reputation- I've worked too hard, for too long, and being stuck on this wretched planet, following him-] She paused to compose herself. Her main eyes burned with fury. [I can't confront him directly.]

"Which is why you need me," I finished.

[Precisely. You've thought about killing him before, I'm sure of it. How did you plan to defeat him with only a small arsenal of puny Earth animals at your disposal?]

I shot her a look. "My forms are not puny," I muttered. "But- I have an Andalite form. Dafydd-Karof-Scee. Have you heard of him?"

Affay nodded intuitively. [Ah, of course. Great warrior, but an unlikeable yamphut.]

"Uh- That's him." I guess?

Affay's expression hardened again. [He is not enough to beat Gesii. What else do you have?]

I smirked. "Gesii himself."

At the mention of Gesii's form, her face perked up with interest. Her eyes lit up, and she suddenly looked a lot more invested. I nodded at her questioning expression. I figured she could grasp where this was going.

I took a deep breath. "Teach me how to do a frolis maneuver."

---

It turned out Affay couldn't teach me to do a frolis maneuver on my own- but she could guide my mind through the process to create the new form that I needed. She said it was some kind of mind-linking military training she had received, and it reminded me of the time Brittany had tried to link our minds together all those months ago in my room, and how her Yeerk had somehow accessed that skill to send me her memories. Even though I knew what it would be like, I was still unprepared for the overwhelming feeling of having someone else in my brain.

It was weird- it was like, having someone transform through me, but I was still there, focusing on the forms. Like I was a puppet having my limbs controlled, you know? I had never been a Controller, so I couldn't compare the two, but I assumed that I had a lot more control over my body than a Controller did. Affay pulled my thoughts in a certain direction, guiding me into one form, and then the other, and after a few minutes, I felt the two forms combining, the DNA merging as she expertly figured out which parts of the strands to save and which to throw away. It was unlike any feeling I had ever experienced before.

The whole process took less than five minutes, and when I was done, I stood on four black, sharp hooves. My tail was thick and powerful. My shoulders were broad. My legs were strong and sturdy, and, wait a minute-

[Why am I male?] I demanded in surprise. The fuck?

Affay rolled her eyes. I almost didn't notice because I was so used to Brittany doing it. [It's physically highly improbable to attempt to beat Gesii with a female's tail- the blade is too small. Also I will remind you that you acquired two male Andalites, so it's a genetic impossibility to simply create the DNA required to make you a female. However, I have made it so you have managed to maintain some of your own female human DNA, which will help lend speed and agility to your steps.]

[Weird,] I said, studying my arms. My human DNA was in there somewhere?[How does that-]

[Is that even important?] Affay cut me off. Jeez, the sass from this Andalite… [Look, you got what you wanted. And when you defeat Gesii, I'll have what I want, too.]

My expression hardened and I nodded. She was right. I now had what I needed to take care of Gesii. I looked at Affay. [Thanks.]

Affay nodded too, regarding me carefully. [Here,] she said, and she stretched out her hand. In her palm was the tiniest gray cube I had seen so far. I recognized it as a holocube, but it was so small- [Give this to your girl, Brittany- that is what she prefers to be called now, isn't it?]

I smiled. Affay's acceptance was completely unexpected, but once she'd given it, I realized how much it meant to me. Finally, someone from the Andalite world had referred to Brittany as an equal instead of some subspecies of shit. I couldn't help but look at Affay with admiration and gratefulness as I accepted the cube. She was really, seriously cool. [What's it for?] I asked, studying the cube in my hand.

[She'll know what it's for,] Affay said as she turned away, leaving me standing in my new form. [Now, come- I'm going to teach you a few basic fighting techniques.]

I flexed my tail and felt nothing but confidence.

---

It was late, but not too late when I finally made it back to the Batcave. Everyone had already disappeared to their rooms and it was quiet. I was careful to keep my return unnoticeable- I didn't want Sam to confront me about stupid shit again. I also didn't really want Brittany to know I had left, even though I knew she was definitely smart enough to figure that out. I tiptoed silently down the hall, pretty proud of myself for sneaking in undetected- which is why I was genuinely surprised when Sugar found me.

"Here," she said, thrusting a small, sturdy envelope at me without any preamble.

"Shit," I hissed, my hand flying to my chest as I nearly had a heart-attack at her sudden presence. Where had she come from? "Could you warn me the next time you're going to sneak up on me?"

Sugar looked at me. "And how would you like me to do that, hmm? Blow a trumpet? Get an intercom installed and make an announcement? Send a carrier pigeon?"

I gave her a sullen glare. "Okay, you made a point." Sugar huffed impatiently, shaking the envelope at me. I looked dumbly at it as I accepted it. "What is this?"

Sugar rolled her eyes. "The documents you requested, idiot."

"Oh." I blinked. "That was fast."

Sugar waved her hand dramatically. "Well, I kind of already had all of it set up, I mean- I knew you'd need them eventually. I really was just waiting for the go-ahead." She shrugged in indifference, and I tilted my head, studying her. She was reaaaaally something.

"Thanks," I said awkwardly, not sure what else to say. I fidgeted.

"Don't mention it." She turned and began to walk down the hall. "Come get me if you need anything else."

I looked back down at the small cardboard envelope in my hands and swallowed, feeling the gravity of the moment. This was it. This envelope released Brittany- and consequently, me- from the war. I stared at it for another minute, feeling the weight of being trapped lift from my shoulders. We finally had freedom within our reach.

Now all I had to do was convince Brittany to take it.

I opened the door to our bedroom, surprised to find Brittany standing in the middle of it, staring off into space. She startled when I entered, and I gave her a questioning look.

She shook her head, which confirmed that she wasn't going to tell me anything, and I swallowed down my uneasy feeling, forced the twisting sensation out of my stomach. "This is for you," I said, careful to keep my tone light as I handed Brittany the tiny holocube.

Brittany took it, her eyes growing wide. She gave me a puzzled look. "Where did you get this?"

I smirked playfully at her, offering her a shrug. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously, but didn't question me further as I slipped past her, securing the envelope I'd gotten from Sugar in the bottom drawer of our shared dresser. Okay, I know it wasn't the most efficient hiding place, but hopefully it wouldn't have to stay there for very long.

"What's that?" Brittany asked from behind me.

"Just some papers," I said, turning to her. I moved closer, cupping her chin. When she didn't pull away, my heart skipped a beat. Maybe-

I leaned forward slowly, my heartbeat picking up the closer I got. I wanted to kiss her so badly- I ached for it. It wasn't even a sexual thing, I just- I missed her. I leaned in even more and caught her cringing just as my eyes slipped closed and my lips landed on her cheek. She had turned her head at the last second, avoiding my kiss, and I felt my heart sinking, felt stabbing pains in my chest.

"Britt-" I started, wounded. I bit my lip and pulled away, but before I could move away completely, Brittany grabbed my hand. I looked at her; our eyes met. Hers were desperate, pleading, as she searched mine. I wondered again what she was looking for, and how I could help her find it.

We stood in silence for long, tense moments, and finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. My heart felt like it was breaking and I just needed to get away from her- I couldn't stand to be so close to her and not be able to kiss her and hold her.

"I'm just going to go to sleep," I mumbled, averting my eyes and pulling my hand from her grasp.

She was silent, and I turned away. I changed into my pajamas on autopilot and crawled into bed, feeling numb. Brittany made no move to lie beside me, so I hugged her empty pillow and just tried not to cry.

---

The next morning I woke up to an empty bed and an empty room, and felt nothing. I had finally grown completely numb to it.

Okay, not completely- it still hurt that Brittany wasn't there when I woke up, but I pushed it away.

I had a job to do.

Unfortunately, Sam caught me on my way out the door. I knew I couldn't avoid him forever, but I had hoped that I could avoid him until after my fight.

"Where are you going?" he demanded lowly.

"Since when do you care?" I cut back. I didn't fucking need this shit right now. I had too many other things to worry about.

Sam sighed. "Look, we really needed you down there." At my harsh laugh, he added, "I needed you down there. The others are starting to doubt me-"

"Starting to?"

"Santana, don't make this harder than it is. I admit it, all right? I can't do this without you."

"Find a way," I sneered. "Because the only way you're going to be able to fight this war from now on is without me."

Sam ignored my words and tried to be patient. "The Yeerk Pool attack was a disaster-"

"You think?" Oh, he'd finally figured that out after I'd already told him days ago? How clever.

"-even the second time. We were shut down before we even had a chance to set the explosives. I just- they're not strong enough, Santana. They're tired."

"Yeah?" I asked sarcastically. "Me, too. Weird how that works, huh?"

"So am I," he admitted weakly. I looked at him closely for the first time in days. His eyes looked weary- sad, forlorn, and for a moment I dropped my defenses enough to feel sorry for him. Sam was just a kid, like me- like all of us- scared, with no idea what to do. We all depended on him, put him under a lot of pressure to make decisions. But he didn't know better than any of us. He didn't know what to do more than I did. None of us did.

I took a deep breath and said, not unkindly, "Why don't you just let Beiste handle it from here?" His eyes met mine and I shrugged. "Focus on getting everyone's families out; we can give up this stupid war and just stay down here, or go away somewhere together…" I trailed off. It was my one offer for him to come with me. For him to accept what I had already accepted- defeat.

Sam shook his head slowly, bitterly. "Like Rachel? Visser Seven will never let that happen, and you know it. We have to stand and fight, there's no other way. It all ends here, Santana. Them or us."

"Well count me out of it," I said, turning towards the door. I'd had enough of this depressing conversation and Sam's bullshit. No other way? I refused to believe that. There was always another way. I'd already taken it.

"We will lose without you," Sam called angrily, desperately. I paused in the doorway.

"You'll lose with me, too."

---

Affay and I had planned for me to confront Gesii in the same meadow she and I had conspired in. She would tell him Sam wanted to meet him alone, and then once he showed up, I'd swoop in and confront him. It was pretty simple, and surprisingly fair and honorable. It wasn't like I was rolling up with a gang or something. It was just him and me, one on one. Totally justified.

I ran over some fighting techniques in my mind as I flew out to the edge of the meadow, trying to remember every tip Brittany had ever given me, every move I'd seen other Andalites execute, everything Affay and I had gone over. I tried to think of a strategy, and realized I hadn't exactly planned this out very well. I guess I would have to just go in and hope blind luck saved me like it always did.

By the seat of my fucking pants, as always.

I landed on the ground behind my usual tree outside of the meadow and prepared to transform back to human to make the final transition to Andalite.

Except-

Once I got there, I heard Brittany's thought-speak voice. She was talking to someone, and I was confused- why was Brittany here?

[-to leave Earth for good,] she said coolly. I fluttered up to a tree branch so I could see what was going on. [Tell them you never found me.]

[Why don't I just tell them you died?] Gesii sneered, glaring at Brittany with unrestrained hatred. My stomach clenched. Why was Brittany talking to Gesii? What the fuck was going on? What had I missed?

Brittany's voice softened considerably. [No- that would make my parents sad.] She shook her head. [No- tell them I'm missing. It will give them hope; and you- you can vow to my father to search for me until your dying day,] she said bitterly. [It will ensure you stay in his favor. But we both know you will never find me. This way we both get what we want.]

Gesii twitched his tail angrily. [And what you want… is to stay human? That's cowardly-]

Brittany shifted her weight. [I'm not running,] she bristled. [I'm choosing happiness.]

My heart swelled in my chest. Was Brittany going to leave with me? Had she finally accepted that I was serious about her? My thoughts ran wild as I wondered what had changed her mind. Why had she suddenly decided to remain human? Why did she confront Gesii, of all people?

I was so busy wondering what had changed that I almost missed Brittany's exit. Shit. I scrambled off the branch and fluttered down to the ground. I closed my eyes and focused, and quickly began to change.

I shifted from kite to human to Andalite, and when I was done I stood, tall and powerful, on four strong legs, my hooves planted firmly. I felt like liquid power. I felt confident.

I felt ready to make Gesii pay.

It gave me grim satisfaction to watch his eyes fill with fear as I stepped menacingly into the clearing, brandishing my tail blade. I wondered if he understood what was happening; I wondered if he could recognize himself in my form, recognize Dafydd in my form.

[Santana,] he said tightly. Ah. He wasn't dumb after all. [I should've expected this.]

[Yeah. You should have,] I said, my voice coated with venom as I advanced on him like a panther.

He chuckled, trying to sound confident- but I could sense his nervousness. I hoped he could see the fire in my eyes, feel the intensity of my hatred for him. I liked to think that he could.

[You didn't honestly come here to fight me, did you?] He asked arrogantly. Oh, but I heard the tiny sliver of fear in his thoughts. He wasn't fooling me that easily. His fear made me feel even more confident, even more powerful, and I couldn't help but smirk inside.

[Not to fight you- to kill you,] I clarified.

[Santana, be reasonable,] he said, as if he were trying to talk some sense into me. [I'm a four-time tailfighting champion-]

[Which is going to make my win so much sweeter.]

He scoffed. [You have no experience.]

[You have no fucking idea what my experience is, you incognizant bastard.] I advanced on him further, twitching my tail in excitement, anxiously wanting to sink it into his flesh. I didn't have formal four-time champion training- but it was the difference between a boxer and a street fighter. I had no rules, nothing holding me back. My only thought was to make him hurt, to end his life for what he'd done to me- to Brittany.

My vengeful thoughts brought me closer, within reach. I scanned his body, observing the subtle differences between us- I had more muscle than Gesii's sleek form, but my muscles were more chiseled than Dafydd's had been. My tail blade was slightly bigger than his four-time champion one, but with the same wicked curve that made his so deadly. My shoulders were broader. I was taller by a few inches.

All in all, I was one bad-ass Andalite. And I'm pretty sure Gesii realized that.

He snapped his tail suddenly, and I reacted instantly, snapping mine. I didn't block his blow completely, but I did manage to block it.

[You're fast,] he commented, suddenly sounding a lot more worried.

[As fast as you,] I sneered, raising my tail to strike again.

His eyes widened in realization, and I wondered if the thought that he might actually lose crossed his mind. Surely he wasn't arrogant enough to believe that he wouldn't-

[San- don't!] Brittany's voice called from my right. The sound startled me- she hadn't called me San in-

I hesitated, but Gesii didn't- he whipped his tail forward and it cut deeply into my shoulder. I cracked my tail forward in retaliation and carved a gash into his left front leg. He recoiled quickly, shuffling just out of reach. We both glared at each other until Brittany moved to stand in front of me, and I immediately stopped.

[Move, vecisth,] Gesii snarled.

I saw the hurt wash directly over Brittany's face at the cruel, derogatory word, and that's when the last of my patience left me and rage took over instead.

[How dare you,] I hissed angrily, glaring at Gesii from over Brittany's shoulder. [I'll cut you to fucking pieces for that-]

[Go ahead and try, pathetic savage!]

[San,] Brittany repeated softly, cupping my chin and turning my head to look at her, so that our main eyes met. Her fingers tingled where they touched my skin and I felt my anger calming as soothing pleasure radiated from her touch. My hearts slowed considerably- I felt lethargic. How was she even doing that-

Her blue eyes turned darker and her fingers slid up the side of my face slowly; I could feel every millimeter of the pads of her delicate fingers as they burned a trail up my face.

Gesii made a disgusted noise in our heads and just like that, the spell was broken.

[Britt,] I pleaded.

Brittany squared her shoulders, slid her hand down my arm to interlock our fingers, and moved to stand beside me.

[Gesii, I'm giving you one last chance to leave respectfully,] Brittany said coldly. I squeezed her hand.

Gesii glared, kicked the ground with his front uninjured leg. [And I'm giving you one last chance to live,] he smirked back. [Britta, if you would stand against me with this alien, then you are regarded as a traitor to the Andalite military.]

Brittany squeezed my hand back tightly before I heard her take a deep breath.

[Honey- let's shut this douchebag up.]

I couldn't stop the pleasurable smirk from lighting up my eyes, or my heart from pounding with adoration and pride.

[It would be my pleasure.]

---

The fight didn't last very long, but it definitely seemed like it did. It was a grueling eight minutes, which is a lot of split-second decisions if you think about it. Gesii managed to wound me deeply, several times. Brittany somehow tapped into my brain and was able to guide me to perform some techniques that I had seen her do but hadn't even considered attempting on my own. It was weird- very similar to how Affay guided me in the frolis maneuver, only far more intimate because it was Brittany invading my mind. Her personal knowledge of Gesii and Andalite anatomy helped me land a few hits, but Gesii was still the superior fighter.

[Hah!] Gesii gloated as he landed a pretty severe cut to my right back leg. It buckled, and I balanced awkwardly.

[Steady,] Brittany reassured me, and I felt her strength and calmness easing me. [Gesii is tiring- your stamina- Dafydd's stamina- is greater than his. He is used to disabling his opponents with minimal rapid strikes, but you are not so easily defeated. He is getting sloppy- favoring his right side. He shifts his weight slightly just before he strikes.]

I didn't answer, only scanned Gesii's body, waited for the sign that would inform me that Gesii was about to-

There!

I sidestepped, blocked his blow, and honed in on his completely open neck. [You lose,] I sneered as my tail blade pressed to his throat.

[You wouldn't,] he taunted, glaring at me, but he didn't move a muscle to test me. He was so pathetic.

[You know nothing about me,] I said, low and deadly, as I pressed the edge of my blade into his skin. He made a noise of surprise as it sunk into his flesh; blood began to drip down his chest.

[San-] Brittany started

[On your knees,] I hissed, and Gesii sank down carefully. I towered over him. I wanted to execute him- I wanted to kill him, to end his life- to make sure he would never hurt Brittany again. But-

Brittany placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. I took a deep breath.

I didn't want to kill Gesii in front of Brittany- sweet, caring Brittany. I knew she could be ruthless, but she had let Gesii go. And her touch drained all my anger out of me.

Besides, if I killed him, he couldn't live with the humiliation of having been defeated by me- by us.

I glared at him. And slowly I pulled my tail away, listening to his heavy, intense breaths.

I took a step back, shaking my head. [Your time will come,] I said. [But not from me.]

Brittany slid her hand down my arm- did she know I couldn't think when she did that?- and locked our fingers together again. I could sense her feelings pouring into my mind through our thought-speak link- a mixture of sadness, pride, and bittersweet happiness- and still that lingering emptiness beneath all of it.

[Keep your word, Gesii. Leave Earth,] Brittany said, void of any emotion. [Or lose everything.]

Gesii glared. He seemed like he wanted to say something, and then-

TSEEWW!

Green light blinded me; Gesii glowed brightly for a split second before his atoms just- incinerated into nothing. I felt the heat from the blast on my face and chest, pulling Brittany behind me to protect her and raising my tail, ready to take on whoever had attacked us.

[His time just came,] Affay said with dull satisfaction from a few paces away, her shredder still aimed at the spot where Gesii had just been. [And now the ritual is complete.]

Brittany nodded slightly while I stood- stunned, speechless. Affay offered us a grim smile.

[Good bye, Brittany. Goodbye, Santana.]

Without another word, Affay holstered her shredder and walked away.

---

I was silent for a long moment- again, unsure of what to say. My day had not gone the way I had expected it to, and I was definitely not prepared for the strange turn of events that unfolded. Affay had set Gesii up for me to kill him- but then killed him herself in the end, and Brittany- how the hell did she factor in to any of it?

I swiveled my stalk eye to look at her, and found her gazing at me with her main eyes, her expression hard to place. She was the one who eventually broke the weird silence that had settled over us. [You confronted Gesii for me? For my honor?]

I shrugged, feeling suddenly embarrassed. Was it for her honor? When she said it like that, it made me feel a little silly. I hadn't fought him so much for Brittany's honor, but more as a way to avenge her pain. But I guess fighting him had also been about straightening out once and for all that he had no claim over Brittany. So, really- [Yeah,] I admitted, kicking the ground with my hoof. [It's his fault you were hurt, B. And despite everything, he still believed he had some kind of right to- to own you or something, and you're your own person.]

Brittany was silent, absorbing my words. I shifted, wondered what she was thinking. She had been so distant lately, and-

Tingles erupted over my skin, and it took me a second to realize Brittany had reached up to stroke my face. My mind went blank with a burning sort of euphoria.

[And this form?] She asked softly, tracing fingers down my neck, her eyes curious, studying the effect her touch had on me.

[Affay,] I said absently, not really concentrating on anything accept the pleasure of her touch on my skin, the way her fingertips left electric currents across my body.

[I thought so.] She paused. [Your eyes are yours.]

I shivered, reaching up almost involuntarily to touch Brittany, to cup her face, and I was surprised at the jolt I felt when my fingertips connected to her skin, at the tingling in them that spread all the way through my hand like an electric wave, making my hearts flutter, making my blood race-

I tried to gather my thoughts, which were becoming scattered from Brittany's touch. I looked at her, concentrating hard on her face. [Did you know?]

Brittany guiltily dropped her eyes to the side. [Yes. I didn't know how involved you were. I came to warn Gesii to leave Earth- I threatened to expose him for his crime- I thought maybe-]

Woah, hold up. [What crime?]

Brittany reached up and played with my fingers, which were still resting on her face. [He refused aid to a fellow Andalite, which resulted in her getting killed.] Brittany brought her eyes to mine. [In Andalite law, refusing aid is as bad as murdering that person.]

[Human law, too,] I snorted. Brittany smiled slightly at me with her eyes. My hearts skipped a beat.

[According to Andalite custom, that Andalite's death has to be avenged by the eldest sibling or another family member,] Brittany continued, and it all clicked.

Affay was avenging her sister's death. That's why she had seemed so enraged at Gesii's behavior towards me- he had done the exact same thing to her. But it didn't make sense- [Why didn't Affay just tell me that? Why did she lie?]

Brittany shrugged. [She didn't think you would understand our customs-]

[I understand revenge,] I said, narrowing my eyes.

[Honey, I know that. Originally, she had hoped I would be the one to help her- it's why she made the microholocube- but after seeing the dislike between you and Gesii, she thought you would be easier to convince.]

[Wait- so you tried to save Gesii? Even after everything…?] I asked incredulously.

Brittany nodded sadly. [He was awful, but he was still someone I- knew. I thought maybe he had done it on accident, but once he confessed to me that it was true- and with my own knowledge that he had also done it to us- that's when I abandoned the idea. When you confronted him, it all made sense- how Affay gave you the microholo, how you suddenly had a new Andalite form- and then when Gesii called me-] she stopped. [Well, I'm not sad that he's gone.]

I couldn't help but look at Brittany with admiration. She always tried to see the best in people, even awful people. Even people like Gesii. Even people like me. She had seen the worst parts of me, had predicted my inability to keep my word, and yet, she was still standing before me. I took a deep breath through my- face slits, I guess; still weird- and pulled Brittany closer to me. [Britt- you really are wonderful,] I told her softly, stroking her face. She shivered, cupping my hand fully and pressing it to her skin.

[That feels so good.]

I smiled at her through my eyes- I mean, I think I did? This not having a mouth thing was really confusing- and brought my other hand up to cradle her face completely, letting my fingers stroke down her cheeks. She grazed fingertips up my biceps, across my shoulders, and every single piece of fur stood on end, responded to the tingle she left.

[You're so soft,] she murmured. [But not as soft as when you're human.] She shifted closer, pressing the side of her face to the side of mine, and my whole body seemed to respond as Brittany wrapped her arms around me and held me close. I had no idea what had changed within her or why she was suddenly choosing to be intimate with me, to be near me again, but I wasn't going to question it. Even as an Andalite I enjoyed her presence and I just allowed myself to stand and revel in the attention I'd been starving for the past few days.

Instead, I let my thoughts drift back to what had just happened, and Brittany's role in it all. She was truly caring, especially of people undeserving of her. I had always known that, and sometimes felt like I was a prime example. Despite everything she'd been through- despite the fact that Dafydd and Gesii had both treated her poorly, she still wanted to save them somehow, still looked out for the wellbeing of others. I thought back to what her Yeerk had said about her when he was in her brain- that she was an intrinsically good Andalite. I hadn't realized at the time what a big compliment that had been- let's face it, I had been occupied by other things, like how to get the fucker out. But no Yeerk, not even Brhaad, our ally, had ever said a good thing about an Andalite.

[You're wonderful,] I said again absent-mindedly, basking in the feeling of Brittany's hands on my skin, tracing soothing circles on my shoulders and upper arms.

[I don't feel wonderful,] she admitted sadly. [I still feel- but- you're making me feel a lot better right now.]

[Yeah?] I nuzzled my face against hers.

She nodded against me.

[I love you,] I told her, pouring every ounce of sincerity I had into my thoughts. [I love you, and I'll always love you, no matter what happened in your past, no matter what memories haunt you, no matter what you do in the future, I'll never leave your side, Brittany. You need to know that.]

Brittany hugged me tighter, pushed her face into my neck. It was a weird, but kind of nice, feeling being taller than Brittany for a change; being the protector, instead of always being saved by her. I wanted her to know that I would always protect her- that I would take care of her. I wanted her to believe me when I said I'd never leave her.

[Britt- you never have to be an Andalite again,] I said quietly, trying to convince her again. [I'll take care of you. I'll never leave you, and- and I won't let anyone hurt you again, ever-]

[Santana,] Brittany sighed, sounding sad and adoring at the same time. My hearts jumped. [I- I know you will. I want to be with you, but I want to be with you because I want to, not because I can't stand to be an Andalite anymore.]

I pulled my head away from hers slightly. [You don't want to?]

[I do,] she rushed to reassure me, tugging my face back to her. [But I don't want you to think that that's the reason I'm staying-]

[I don't think that,] I said firmly. [I'm the one asking you to change, to stay with me. Besides, what does it matter what the reason is- as long as I have you?]

[You're perfect,] Brittany whispered sadly. [You're everything to me. Everything.]

[Then leave with me,] I pleaded. [Leave with me, B. Nothing is keeping us in this war. We can go somewhere where the Yeerks won't find us- they won't care to.]

Brittany hesitated. [I want to more than anything, but-]

[But what?]

[But I'm still scared,] she admitted in a small voice. [If I do this- if I become human, Santana- I'm doing it because I want to be with you. I don't want anyone else, and if you ever decided that you did- I don't know what I would-]

[That's never going to happen,] I said. [I'll never, never want anyone but you. It's you and me, me and you, both of us together.]

Brittany smiled. Her eyes lit up a little, looking familiar for the first time in days. It made my heart pound.

[Just promise me you'll think about it?]

Brittany nodded, and I instantly felt a million times lighter.

---

Once we were back in the Batcave, Brittany grabbed my hand, pulling me back. "Wait, Santana."

I turned to look at her, studied her face. "Yeah?"

"About-" she swallowed. "About what we just talked about…"

My heartbeat picked up considerably. Did she mean- "About leaving together for a while?"

Brittany nodded nervously. "Yeah. I want to do it. I want to leave- with you."

I couldn't resist embracing her, crushing her to my body. "Oh, Britt- that's amazing. You're amazing. Are you sure? You- don't need more time?"

"I'm sure," she said. "I've been thinking about it since you asked me yesterday."

I pressed a firm kiss to her jaw and squeezed her one more time before pulling back and looking into her eyes. My heart felt so full I thought it might burst, and I knew I was grinning. Brittany's expression mirrored mine and I bit my lip, trying to contain my joy. This was it. We were finally leaving. Brittany was going to change- permanently- and then we could go somewhere safe and just be.

"When do we leave?" she asked, her smile wide and her eyes shining.

"Right now. As soon as we grab our things."

Brittany nodded and I felt like jumping into the air and doing a fist pump, I was so excited.

It was short-lived, however, when Sam met us at the door.

"We need to talk."

I raised an eyebrow at him, smirking. "No, we don't." I turned to Brittany and brought her hand to my mouth, pressed kisses over her knuckles. "Go get your things, B. I'll be right there, okay?"

Brittany nodded again before giving me one more last, hopeful smile, then reluctantly released my hand and wandered off to our room. I watched her go for a moment, my eyes lingering over her curves. I smiled to myself. Soon I'd get to trace her body forever-

"Santana?" Sam asked, and I sighed irritably.

"What do you want, Trouty? Can't you see I'm in the middle of packing?"

"You're leaving?" Sam asked incredulously, his tone quickly advancing straight to angry without passing Go or collecting two-hundred dollars. Like he didn't fucking know this was coming? I already told him-

"Yes, I'm leaving. I'm taking Brittany and-"

"You can't just leave," Sam hissed. "With great power comes-"

"This is NOT. A fucking comic book, Sam!" I snarled, turning on him fiercely. Our eyes met and we burned holes in each other. "We are capable of dying. Brittany was infested-"

Sam snorted. "So was I."

"But you don't have anywhere near the level of guilt and regret that she does. You have no idea what she's been through, what she had to endure, and she's already done too much-"

"So- what?" he demanded, clenching his fists. "You're just gonna leave? And where will you go?"

I crossed my arms defensively. "Somewhere far away. I don't care. Does it even matter? An island, or-"

Sam offered me a sad smile. And then he brought up my worst fear. "You don't honestly believe the Yeerks won't find you, do you? Do you really think you'll be safe there?"

No.

"Yes," I said, my voice sounding desperate, even to me, and I realized I was trying to convince myself as much as him. "And I plan to keep believing that until-"

"Cut the crap," Sam interrupted harshly. "Why don't you just take Brittany away on a vacation or something? Why do you have to leave for good? We have time, you know. Not a lot, but a little. Beiste is still in lockdown for another two days. You could just rent a hotel in the next town, spend some time away-"

I shook my head quickly. "No, I made up my mind."

"You can't just leave, Santana. You owe it to us- to them."

"What is this, the Mafia? Was Sugar right? I don't owe you shit," I hissed angrily. "I'm not making them stay in this- they're choosing to. Well, what about me? I'm choosing to leave. I've done enough. Brittany's done enough."

"And yet, the Yeerks are still here," Sam pointed out bitterly. "If you really want to keep Brittany safe, you'd get rid of them first."

I froze. Everything in my body turned cold, turned numb. He had hit on the one thing he knew I was scared of. The one thing I valued above all else. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out his words, and in that moment, I hated him. I hated him for being a good leader and knowing me- knowing us all- so well. I hated him for knowing how to manipulate me into doing what he wanted.

I shook my head slowly. "What do you want from me, Sam?" I demanded, defeated. Hadn't I done enough?

"To be unselfish," he said, and I recognized the old Sam in his tone. That's what hurt the most- that he wasn't some cold, detached, crazed version of himself- the person he'd been for the past few weeks. He was the Sam that had been my friend. The Sam that I cared about. "Be unselfish," he repeated. "Something you've never once been this whole way. Be unselfish, and put the fate of the world first. Be unselfish, and let her go, Santana."

"Never," I said lowly, my voice wobbling. What did the fate of the world matter if I didn't have Brittany? Without Brittany, my world was over- which is why I had to protect her. I would do anything- anything- to accomplish that. I took a deep breath, resigning myself. "There is no world without Brittany," I said, biting back tears. "I won't put her in danger again."

"Then get her out," Sam said, his tone hard to place, each word another nail in my coffin. "Get her out, but keep her safe. You're the only one who can."

His suggestion felt like a death sentence. Get Brittany out, keep her safe- and at what cost to me? "You'd have me stay?"

"I need you, Santana. We need you. We don't stand a chance without you," he repeated, and I recalled my reply to his similar statement earlier in the day. Is that what he wanted? For all of us to go down fighting? But together?

I looked into his pleading, hazel eyes, took a deep breath, and steeled myself. "I'll agree to stay in this on one condition," I started, my tone more serious than I'd ever heard from myself. "I'm selfish; and because I'm selfish, I want to keep Brittany safe. You can drag me into this but you will not keep her in as well. She walks away, no questions asked. That's the only way I'll agree to this fuckery."

Sam gave me a long, hard look. He definitely didn't want to agree with my terms- Brittany was valuable, but he knew he couldn't have us both. He had to choose between letting us walk away, or trapping me, and he wasn't going to get nothing. "Fine," he said evenly.

I nodded absently, lost in my thoughts. I swallowed, my throat feeling tight. I suddenly couldn't breathe. My mouth was dry. My chest felt like it was being crushed. Had I just sentenced myself to death?

Had I just agreed to die?

So that Brittany could live.

"I hate you," I told Sam, but it came out sad and empty, with none of the conviction or venom I had hoped to fuel the words with.

Sam nodded, accepting my words. His eyes were sadder than I'd ever seen. He forced a shaky, humorless laugh and reached up to wipe away a stray tear, and I felt my own tears building.

"Not as much as I do."

---

After my talk with Sam, I felt reluctant to return to my room and face Brittany. How could I face her, knowing what I agreed to? And did I really have to agree to it? I could still just take Brittany and run. I didn't want to die- I just wanted to be with Brittany. And now it seemed like I would never get the chance, like despite everything, Brittany and I would never be able to live out our lives together in peace like normal people.

I wanted to go to sleep next to her every night, to wake up to her every morning. I wanted to travel with her, to go to parties with her, to have stupid, boring jobs that we complained to each other about, to slow-dance in our kitchen while making dinner together, to make out on the couch in between watching old reruns of Friends, to rent our first apartment, buy our first house together and figure out where to put our Christmas tree (once I explained to her what it was.)

Was it so bad to want those things with her?

I could still leave. Nothing was holding me here except my word-

My word.

I felt my breath leaving me all at once. What would Brittany think of me breaking my word? I hadn't exactly let her down by breaking it to the Yeerk- but still. She deserved someone better, someone who was honorable, didn't she? And I wanted to be that person for her. I wanted to be better for her. Honorable for her.

Even if it meant dying.

But God, I didn't want to die.

I passed the entertainment room, where Quinn was sitting on the couch watching Cartoon Network. Puck was curled up next to her with his head in Esther's lap. The three of them had hopes, had dreams. They probably wanted Christmas trees, too, didn't they? And what about Kurt? What about Mercedes?

What about Sam?

All of us had dreams, had things that we wanted. None of us were bad for wanting things we couldn't have. I choked as I realized- things we couldn't have.

I paused at the door to my bedroom, composing myself, preparing myself to see Brittany. What was I going to say to her? How was she going to respond? I had spent the last few days trying to convince her to leave with me, and now I was going to have to tell her just kidding? What the fuck was wrong with me?

I took a deep breath as I entered, feeling my heart break as Brittany beamed at me. I forced a smile.

"I'm ready to go," she announced happily.

"Yeah?" I asked distractedly, scanning the room. She had a small orange rolling suitcase- I had no clue where she'd gotten it from- sitting on the bed.

Brittany nodded, and I moved closer to her, taking her hand in mine. It was now or never.

"Britt- Brittany," I started, my voice hoarse with emotion, betraying me already. I swallowed back my tears. Could I even tell her? Could I even get through this? I looked into Brittany's trusting blue eyes and felt my heart clench painfully.

No. I couldn't. I couldn't do that to her. Ignorance is bliss, and I'd rather Brittany be happy. I could be devastated enough for both of us. But what was I going to say? How was I going to-

Brittany's face fell suddenly. She could sense my hesitation, my shift in mood. Her breathing picked up, her eyes widened in panic. "D- did you change your mind?" Her voice cracked when she spoke, and I suddenly realized what my hesitation might have looked like to her. "You don't want to leave with m-me?"

"Britt-"

Brittany shook her head quickly, her eyes fearful, heart-wrenching. I watched as the light drained out of them and I'd never felt lower in my life. "I unders-s-stand," she said, her words tumbling out in an emotional rush. "I know that I've been hurt- but- but not beyond repair, San- Santana, I know I'm tainted, and that I have too much- too much history, and that you ch-changed your mind-"

"B, no-"

"-and that I'm too stupid-"

"No. No, Brittany, no, listen to me-"

Brittany continued to shake her head, squeezing her eyes shut. I grabbed her chin roughly and leaned forward, pressing my lips to hers. I held them there for a moment until she relaxed, and I had to stop myself from taking the kiss further. I wanted to so badly, I'd been craving her for days- but- I forced myself to pull away after a moment, and when I pulled back, her eyes met mine. Her eyes were so blue and perfect and I just wanted to stare into them forever, to keep her by my side forever, and suddenly-

"Marry me," I blurted.

"What?" she whispered, her eyes widening, but they were hopeful, desperate. A sliver of her old sparkle returned, and my heart thumped painfully at the sight. I missed it so much. All I wanted was to see it all the time.

"Marry me," I said again, firmer. More confident. "Right now. I told you I'd never leave your side. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to prove it to you, to reassure you." I dropped my eyes to my hands, which I was wringing nervously in front of me without realizing it. "I don't have a ring, or- or anything, but I want you, Brittany. Just you. And I'll always want just you. And I'm going to spend the rest of my life-" my voice trembled, I swallowed. My life. The rest of my life- how long would that be? How long?

I took a deep breath. "I know it's crazy- our lives have been crazy, and sometimes I feel like I might actually be crazy, but you- you're the one who grounds me. So please- be crazy with me. Marry me."

Brittany stared at me for a moment, looking like she was trying to decide if I was real or not. I kind of felt the same way. I had just asked the girl of my dreams to marry me, and it felt like a small eternity before she was wrapping her arms around me and crushing her lips to mine. I slid my arms around her waist, pulling her in tightly to me, and kissed back, moaning at the feeling of her being in my arms after our separation. All I wanted to do was keep her there, always.

"Yes," Brittany breathed against my lips when she pulled back slightly. She rested her forehead against mine. "Yes, Santana- I'll be crazy with you."

I tried to be happy. Marrying Brittany was everything I'd ever wanted, right?

There is no world without Brittany.

But all I could feel was the lump in my throat, my time drawing nearer like Mandy Moore in that stupid Walk to Remember movie. All I could think about was the fact that Brittany was going to be my wife-

I forced a smile.

How long would I be alive to enjoy it?

---

Eesh, foreboding ending was foreboding. D:

BUT NEXT CHAPTER- FLUFF OVERLOAD as Brittana possibly, maybe, sort of TIE THE KNOT? Think they will? :D~

Review if you feel like it, but if you don't, well. That's okay, I guess. I'll catch you on the flipside!

See you next time!