Title: Against the rules
Chapter 36: Memory Exercises
AN: to apologise further. here's another Chapter. though it doesn't help much...
/.\
Tracer's POV
I could feel my body start to become heavy with the effects of waking up. I groan softly, I want to stay asleep!
I hear a hurried shuffle and slam my eyes wide to try and catch the intruder. I see golden eyes through the darkness first.
When my eyes adjust, I see Amélie frozen after making the noise she did trying to get up off the chair as quickly as she can.
I frown slightly and push my arms under me to help me sit up.
"Amélie?" I ask, knowing it is her but wanting to know why she's watching me sleep.
She takes a moment to think of what she's wanting to say before answering.
"Sorry. You worried me yesterday." She replies as she decides to sit on the chair again, hesitating for a moment. I'm sure she wants to run.
"What happened?" I ask, rubbing my eyes, I know I'm not back in time. I look around to see myself back in the room with my anchor inside. I'm laid on a bed that has its side facing the cylinder while sitting right next to it.
Amélie looks to the ground for a moment, obviously thinking of the day before.
"Angela said it was a panic attack." she mumbles as her fingers come together and clamp around each other.
I laugh slightly, a hint of bitterness in it. "I haven't had one of them in a while." I sit up on the edge of the bed looking over my clothes. They changed them out into gray gym pants and an orange vest.
Amélie stays quiet, staring straight at the floor like it held all of her thoughts.
Before I could say something to prompt a conversation, Amélie beats me to it. Asking a very peculiar question.
"Who are you?" she asks, her eyes looking up, confusion flooding her eyes as they squint slightly from the frown that married her brow.
I frown too, leaning my elbows on my knees.
"Who do you think I am? Because I know I didn't tell you my name was Lena." I ask, keeping my face natural to try and prevent her seeing any answers.
Her eyes glance over my face for a moment, completely out of reality as she thinks of the answer. Before she could reply her face scrunches up as she brings her hands to her face, pushing her knuckles into the sides of her eye sockets near her nose.
"I don't know." she growls out in frustration, her hands now shifting so her palms are covering her eyes.
"I don't know how I knew your name. I don't know how you're so god damned familiar but so unfamiliar. You feel so… normal to me yet I don't know why or who you are." she says slightly angry as she tries to release the tension that was built up.
All I want to do is hug her, stroke her hair and tell her everything will be okay. But she doesn't know me, and if she figures out that we used to be together then she could feel bad and try to make up for me. I don't want her to act on feelings that she doesn't have.
I look around the room to try and find something to help her with this confusing feeling. If seeing me brought back even a slight memory than I guess we could work from there.
I see something and stand up, making Amélie look up from her hands as I walk towards the bookshelf. I pull out one of my favourite Eric Brown books. I can't believe they moved all of my stuff here.
I make my way back to Amélie, taking a seat in front of her, at the edge of my bed.
"This is my favourite Eric Brown book. Read it and see if it jogs your memory a little." I say as I pass her the used book.
She takes it hesitantly, looking at me unsurely before turning her gaze back to the book.
She opens the front cover and a folded sheet of paper falls out. Landing on the floor at her feet.
She reaches down and picks it up, opening it and looking at the sheet. I see an outline of familiar blue lips on the sheet and quickly swipe it away. She can't read that.
She can't remember that yet.
Her brows furrow as she looks at me for a moment, then back to the sheet in my hands. I fold it back up and stuff it under my pillow.
"You can't read that. It's personal." I say to cover up for my quick actions, hopefully she didn't read any of it.
Her brows only furrow more as she looks back down at the book to gather her thoughts.
After a moment she speaks.
"I'll take this and read it. I'll bring it back when I've finished." she says blankly, standing up and starting to head to the door.
I didn't expect a goodbye from her. She doesn't know me. I can't force her to have feelings.
/.\
Angela walks in the room in the morning to check up on me. She looks more rested today.
Her fingers start to check the average places for my checkups; eyes, throat, chest, back etc.
I wonder why she hasn't asked about the panic attack yet until she clears up my confusion.
"I know why you had the panic attack, I also know that you like to figure things out in your own time. So I'll let you deal with it until you ask me for help specifically." she says, her eyes not leaving the area she's currently examining.
"Thank you." I say softly. I am actually grateful for this. I do prefer to do things myself. And I hate being pressured.
She glances up at me for a moment. Smiling softly before going back to her work.
When she finishes prodding me like a science experiment, she starts packing up her gear.
"You must be starving. There's food in the dining Hall for you. You might see some people down there but I doubt it. It's a little late for them to eat, most of them go out to get some supplies and stuff. If you need anything then just write it down for us. We don't know what you need to rebuild your accelerator."
"Thanks Angela. I'll work on it now." I say, standing up to move to my desk before I get stopped by a hand on my shoulder.
I frown in confusion at the blond doctor. She rolls her eyes.
"Food."
My face flushes red. "Oh yeah." I say sheepishly before grabbing a random jacket off a chair and walking out of the room with it.
I start making my way down the halls, where would a dinner Hall be?
Looking for any clues, I hit the perfect jackpot. I stop in front of a plastic sign that tells me where I am and where everything else is.
It's a fairly simple complex and I could figure it out quick enough.
I start at a quick jog towards the place where my stomach demands where I need to go. I soon find myself outside a pair of double doors.
I shoulder inside and look around.
It had five circular tables in the main area, all metal and concrete. To the side is the counter that splits the kitchen from the dining Hall.
What shocked me the most was that there is one person there that I didn't expect to see.
Amélie was sat on the table in the far corner, her head buried in the book I gave her this morning.
Maybe she doesn't have any jobs. I didn't know she was allowed out of her room.
I almost smack myself for that last comment. Of course she can, she's not a prisoner. And she was in my room this morning.
I step inside of the room and walk to the kitchen. What do I want to eat? I see a plate with a cover over the top and I go to it, lifting up the lid to smell fresh bacon on buttered bread with ketchup.
This is perfect.
I pick up the plate and start to make my way out of the dining Hall, Amélie would probably want her peace and quiet.
"Not going to say Bonjour?" I hear a familiar voice ask. I smile slightly, I understand that word.
"Sorry love, thought you might want to be alone." I reply, turning to look at her. She was looking over the top of the book at me.
"Come. Sit with me Lena." she says nicely, a smile playing pleasantly on her lips.
Well, I couldn't say no to that.
I walk over to her, as I do, Amélie puts her book down and rubs her eyes slightly.
I take a seat next to her. "been up late?" I ask, knowing that she must have been in my room for some time.
"Oh quiet you." she mumbles before it turns into a yawn.
I laugh slightly, taking a bite out of the sandwich. Her lips curl up into a gentle smile before picking up the book again and looks at the cover.
Her brows furrow as she tries to think about something possibly related to the book.
I take another bite and watch her. She's so cute when she thinks this hard. Her face scrunches up and there's this determined glint in her eyes.
The book slams down on the table before her fists scrunch up.
"All I can think of it a dog when I see his name." She growls out, like she thinks she has the wrong answer.
I put my sandwich down, wipe my hands on my gym pants and reach for her scrunched up hands to try and ease them. I pry one open and start to press my fingers into her palm and sliding them around to try and relax her.
"My dog is called Eric Brown. It's not his full name but I think that's what you're getting that idea from. There's more about me related to that book though."
Amélie looks at me shocked as she relaxes into the seat. Her eyes moving back to the book.
"German Shepherd. Big, protective… terrifying." she says the last comment slower, the word meaning more to us then it did to anyone else.
"You did call him terrifying." I confirm as she continues to stare at the book.
Her brows furrow as she looks at my hands that are massaging her own before looking at my face.
"Who are you?" She asks again, her tone carrying a lot more meaning than just the simple question.
I feel my heart drop painfully. I look away, stopping my hand movements for a moment before slipping my hands away altogether.
She can't know. She just can't.
"It doesn't matter anymore." I whisper to keep my voice from catching. My throat thickens as I say this. It hurts but it's true. It doesn't matter anymore because she can't remember.
I cough to clear my throat, this is pathetic, I can't cry over something that was over a year ago, even though I wasn't around for that.
"All you need to know is my name is Lena. And we used to know each other." I still couldn't bring myself to look at her. Oh on the Queen's life I'm so stupid.
I feel a cool hand cup my own in an attempt to comfort. The pain flares back up and I stand up snatching my hand away from the worried looking blue woman.
I couldn't look at her. I couldn't speak to her right now. I needed space.
I rush out of the dining Hall. But as I do I hear a familiar tone in Amélie's voice.
"Lena…" She says in a tone that she used when we was together. A worried but caring tone that only a lover could muster.
And at this I moved faster.
/.\
I sit at my desk with my headphones in, in some sad attempt to drown out thoughts of Amélie.
I'm drawing up what my accelerator would need and look like and making a list on a separate piece of paper.
I feel a tap on my shoulder and pull out my headphones, tossing them aside.
"Yeah?" I ask without even looking. They can just state their business and leave, I don't want anyone speaking to me.
"Can we… talk?" I heard the most unexpected voice to speak to me. Amélie.
I turn around in my seat to see her look at me with her emotions hidden under a mask. She liked using them when we was- don't fucking think of that time in your life Lena.
"What do you want?" I ask blankly as I turn back to my work, not wanting to get emotionally invested in someone who can't feel the same way.
"Who was you to me? Before that day." she asks, her voice determined to get answers.
"Friends." I reply sharply. "Now stop asking." I demand, not wanting to hear anything else of the subject until I've gotten over these feelings I have for her.
"Why do I think you're lying to me when you say that?" She asks, obviously ignoring my last comment.
I grumble softly, carrying on my work. She needs to stop asking these questions.
Suddenly, I feel something hard clamp down on my earlobe, I flinch away only to find cold hands holding my hips to keep me in position.
She starts to suck the bitten lobe softly as I try my hardest to move away. But my hardest was slight wiggles, because I want this. Oh god I want this.
Her lips soon release my ear. "Friends don't feel like this when they see each other Chérie." she whispers in my ear so softly, her accent making my heart jump in my chest.
"H-how do you know t-that name?" I stutter. Trying to make myself stronger to push her away but did I really want that?
"It was on the note I read this morning. If we was just friends, why would I call you that?" She continues asking, her tongue flicking out to edge around the rim of my ear.
I feel a pang of hurt course through my chest. She's only calling it me because she has read it written down for me? This isn't her remembering, this isn't what we used to be.
I stand up abruptly, causing Amélie to be knocked off balance slightly. She recovers and stands up, ready to walk to me.
"Get out." I say sternly. Trying to hold back the tears.
Shock flashes over Amélie's face as she still persists to walk towards me.
"I said get out!" I shout at her, stepping backwards to try and move away from her. Yet, she still walked towards me.
"Lena-" she tries to say before I cut her off.
"Get the fuck out of my room!" I yell again.
I hear rapid footsteps down the corridor and see Sombra and Hana in the doorway looking at the two of us.
Sombra seems to put the pieces together fairly quickly as she moves to Amélie's side.
"Come on Am, Let's speak about this in your room." She eases Amélie, placing a hand on her back.
Amélie spends a long moment just watching me, her face scrunched up in confusion.
Sombra soon leaves with Amélie, guiding her to her own room.
Once they leave Hana comes up to me and offers a hug, which I gladly take.
What have I done? I could have just left her alone. We wouldn't be in this situation if I wasn't such a heartbroken puppy.