This chapter is for peetagrl3 your reviews this week have been amazing and I just wanted to say thank you in this special way! And thank you to everyone else who reviews, it means more to me, than you will ever know! And Ashley, thank you for your friendship and unwavering support. Love you chica!
"So…" says Peeta as he pulls some cheese buns from the oven. "You sure she was going to come back?"
"Yes," I say. I have Willow in my arms and am bouncing her around. She's starting to get more hair on her little head, it's a light brown, not quite golden like her fathers, but nowhere near as dark as mine. She has Peeta's undeniably blue, blue eyes. I could get lost in hers just as easily as I could get lost in his.
"Hazelle brought some toys over," says Peeta.
I hadn't seen them till now, but I walk over to the blanket already on the floor and lay Willow down on it, giving her several other toys. She's cooing and seems to be the very definition of a good, nay happy, baby. The doctors were right; Peeta and I did get lucky. Knowing that Finnick and Annie's little boy was doing worse than Willow ever was, breaks my heart. They deserved so much better, they'd been through just as much, as Peeta and I had. I've only talked to Finnick once, and that was just to get an update on Magnus. Magnus Odair. They gave him that name in memory of Mags, the tribute from their District who was Finnick's mentor for his Games. That decision hadn't surprised me at all.
"Katniss," says Peeta.
"Yeah?" I ask walking out to the kitchen. "What's going on?"
"You sure Johanna is going to come back?" he asks placing another pan into the oven.
"Yes," I nod, leaning against the countertop.
"She's been gone for two months though," he shrugs. "Maybe we should just rent it out."
I shake my head firmly, "No. She'll be back Peeta."
"Okay, Katniss…"
I stay watching him working in the kitchen for, I don't know how much time has passed, when there is a knock on the window. Peeta and I glance at each other, but being that his hands are already preoccupied I walk over to it instead. Lifting the window up I glance outside, it's Haymitch.
"Dammit, Katniss," he's drunk. "What did you do to the door?"
I glance at Peeta who has the same reaction as I do. Haymitch hasn't been this drunk in awhile, but someone needs to guide him back to his house and I'm about to do it when there's a knock on the front door. "Come around front, Haymitch." I tell him and he says something indiscernible and stumbles around, away from the window.
"I'll go get the door," I tell Peeta and walk out of the kitchen. Willow is playing with blocks on the floor. She's managed to sit up by herself, crawling, standing with the help of something else, which was a relief, but it also means that she's getting closer to walking and neither of us are ready for that yet.
I open the door and am standing face to face with Johanna. "And who said she wouldn't come back?" I holler over my shoulder towards where Peeta is.
"It's Johanna?" he asks, surprised.
"Yes," I say. "Now put that tray in the oven and come out here."
"Okay," he says.
I turn back to Johanna. "How are you?"
"I'm good," she says.
"We've missed you," I've never said anything more sincere to Johanna, ever.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she waves the air around her face and walks in the house and right straight to the living room. "She's sitting up?" She half gasps, half shouts. I nod. "How long has she been doing that?"
"Since not long after you took off," says Peeta as he enters the room.
"Oh," she says with a frown.
"Are you here to stay?" I ask impatiently.
"I don't know…" she says slowly before theres a pounding on the door.
"Peeta—" I start.
"I'm on it," he says walking away. Hearing the door open, "Come on, Haymitch, let's get you back home." There's a scuffling at the door. "Be back in a bit!"
"Okay," I say in his direction.
There's sounds of people leaving the house, Peeta closing the door, Haymitch falling down the stairs. He's not good with stairs at this stage of drunkenness. It must be an anniversary of something. Peeta and I never ask, frankly we're to worried and scared for him to ask. Plus, I do believe that if it was important or he really needed to talk about it, that he would do just that.
Turning back to face Johanna, "So are you here to stay?"
"I don't know, Katniss," she says looking at Willow.
"You can go pick her up, you know," I move out of the way.
Johanna walks forward and picks Willow up who giggles instantly. "I missed you too," she tells her. "I'm sorry I just left you. We're buddies aren't we?" Willow has Johanna's finger in a vise like grip with her little hand. "Your mommy offered me her house, did you know that?" She's talking to Willow, not me. But I have a feeling we're about to get emotional, and maybe that's why she's talking to a baby instead of me. "Would you like me to stay here?"
I watch this exchange continue for a few more minutes. Johanna fills Willow in on what she's been doing. She went to District 2 and 4 to try and get Gale and my mother to come back. She says she used Willow as a reason to urge my mother to come home, but it didn't work. No, my mother was never coming back. No matter how many kids Peeta and I have, there will never be a good enough reason for my mother to come back. I knew that before Johanna said anything, but it still hurts to hear.
"Katniss," Johanna says looking at me.
"Yeah?"
"Why would you want me to stay?" she sighs and switches Willow from her left hip to her right.
"Because we care about you."
"But, why?" she asks. There's a look in her eyes I can't identify.
"You looked after Peeta and I in the arena—"
"And stripped by the elevator after the chariot ride, just to fluster you."
"Not the point, and that's nonessential," I say. "That was before the Quell. You saved me in the Quell, at your own expense."
"Did Peeta tell you what happened that night?" she asks.
"After we split up?" I ask. "Or after you cut my tracker out and left me?"
"Well, both," she says bouncing Willow. "Technically."
"No," I fold my arms over my chest. It feels like the most comfortable movement at the moment. "Why? What happened?"
"Well," she starts slowly. "When I lost you, I went immediately to locate Peeta. I knew that if we got split up, they must have too. I saw him kill Brutus. I'll be honest, Katniss, I've never seen Peeta kill anyone like that." She shrugs. "But that was after you were calling his name, so I guess it sort of makes sense. When you stopped answering him back, oh Katniss, if only you could have seen his face."
"Johanna?" The look on her face makes the idea of Peeta's at that moment, so much more frightening.
"He looked wild," she says slowly. "It's like he'd lost all reason, like everything he had been fighting for was gone forever. It was like the look he gave you before we left with the wire, but about a thousand times worse. I felt horrible, Katniss. Haymitch told me to protect you guys, and then the lightning started. Peeta screamed when he heard you scream. Katniss it was awful, he immediately charged at me, demanding to know what happened."
"But you didn't know!" I exclaim.
"No," her head lowers, "I didn't. And I felt like I had failed. Not Haymitch, or the rebellion…" she sighs. "I felt like I had failed you and Peeta. I saw how you two were in that arena—and obviously, I've seen you after—but I just couldn't bare it. I tried to get through, and so did Peeta, but it didn't work. And then the arena started to fall apart. Something was shot in our general direction and the next thing I know, Peeta's lying on the ground and so am I, but I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. Whatever it was Katniss it made Peeta and I completely useless. That's when the hovercraft picked us up."
I don't know what to say. Sure Peeta has told me a lot about what happened, but I've tried to refrain from asking him too many questions. Sure I went through an awful lot, but he went through more, it would be incredibly selfish of me to want to know everything about what happened. I couldn't have done anything differently to help them, and neither could Johanna.
"It's not your fault—" I try to say.
"But I think it is Katniss," she puts a hand in the air palm facing me when I try to interject, "I think it's all of ours to an extent. When you were looking at Peeta and Beetee, Finnick and I were looking at each other. We made a decision right there that we needed to take care of you guys, not for Haymitch—screw Haymitch—but for you and Peeta. Something happened in that arena…and we were going to do our bests to make sure that we all made it out of the arena."
"But we didn't."
"No," she shakes her head. "We didn't. Not the way we wanted to, anyways."
"Why didn't you guys tell us what was going on?" I ask, seeing if maybe she would give me an answer where Haymitch would not.
"I don't really know," she sighs and kisses Willow on the head. "I really think we should have."
"Why do you think they kept us in the dark?"
"I really don't know, Katniss. Honest I don't. If I did I would tell you, but I just don't know. You and Peeta seem to think that we had this superior wealth of knowledge that we just elected to not tell you. We just didn't really know." She shrugs as she puts Willow into my arms. "If I had known what was going to happen…I would have told you, but—"
"No one saw it coming, Johanna," I sigh, bouncing a giggling Willow up and down. "Finnick and I already talked about that fact. It's all forgiven. We don't hold it against either of you…that wouldn't be fair. It's not like you planned for the Capitol to take you and Peeta, and it's not like you knew I was going to hit the arena with a wired arrow either. There's a lot of things that didn't go as planned…" she tries to interrupt, but I keep talking. "Considering I wasn't planning on getting out of that arena at all."
For the first time, possibly ever, her jaw drops. "What?"
"Well," I say, guiltily, "I had every intention of dying in that arena so Peeta could go home, and—"
"Live the rest of his life alone?" There's a certain amount of agitation in this response. "He told you he'd never be happy again. That there would be no life for him here…without you."
"I know…"
"Were you really willing to be that selfish?"
"Yes," I squeak. Hoping. Pleading. Begging. She doesn't go one from this question.
"Did you know you were pregnant?"
Too late.
"Yes," I say, almost inaudibly, but she hears me. Her eyes widen and I know it's coming.
"Katniss!" She shouts. "What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you even think about doing that to Peeta? All he ever did was look out for you, and love you. No one doubted how much he cared, that was obvious since the first Games, but to consider taking away two of the people in his life that he'd actually care about—what is wrong with you?"
"I know…"
"I just can't believe this." She's started pacing around the room, mumbling to herself, and since I don't dare interrupt her I watch her pace back and forth; in a circle, through rooms, until she stops right in front of me. Willows head is resting on my shoulder, one hand in my hair the other holding my back. "Did he know you were pregnant?"
Her stare is so intense, and her body so rigid that I daren't say anything. I know she wouldn't hit me—at least not with Willow in my arms. But at this moment, I'm honestly more afraid of her words. What she might say. Her doctor told her to not filter what she says, but she never really had a filter before either. For the first time, I'm genuinely afraid of Johanna Mason, the victor from District 7.
"Did Peeta know?" she asks again, less kindly.
I swallow hard and open my mouth.
"Yes," says Peeta walking in behind her. Johanna spins around to meet his gaze. "Yeah. She told me."
Johanna whips back around to look at me, Peeta casts me a wary glance. "Katniss, you don't deserve them. Peeta has sacrificed so much for you! And you were just going to throw it away in there, for what?" Her voice is rising.
"So I—"
"What?" Her hands are on her hips. "So you what?"
"So I wouldn't have to live…" I sigh heavily, and hand Willow off to Peeta who is at my side. "The rest of my life without him…without them…" Johanna's eyes are piercing. "I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, and I'm not going to try to justify my actions, because I hate myself for thinking about doing that to him. I hadn't even realized that until Gale talked to me about it."
"About what?" her expression has softened…ever so slightly, but I'll take it.
"What I was ipso facto was doing to Peeta." I sigh and my shoulders droop. "I took him for granted. All the time. For everything. I was never anything but selfish when it came to him. I was willing to die in that arena—selfishly—so I wouldn't have to try to face my life without him…I hadn't thought for one moment what that would do to him. That fact in and of itself is why that decision was selfish. And yes, it was horrible, that I was willing to do that…" I look over at Peeta and then back to Johanna. "But you know, if—and when—it came right down to it, I still would have made it out of the arena. You and I both know, there's nothing Peeta wouldn't do to get me out of there."
Johanna nods. "It was a bitchy move brainless."
"Yes," I nod. "Definitely the word I would use."
"Have you forgiven her?" she looks at Peeta.
"For trying to save me?" he smiles.
"Whatever you wanna call it," she rolls her eyes.
"Of course, I've forgiven her. I can't think of any reason why not to."
For a few moments no one says anything. Peeta hasn't moved, nor has Johanna, and I'm too worried that she'll knock me unconscious if I move, to actually move. No one says anything. Finally Peeta speaks up.
"I'm going to go put Willow to bed," he scoots past us, "okay?"
We both nod in acknowledgment, but for however long it takes for Peeta to put Willow down and come back downstairs, come around behind me, and wrap his arms around me; Johanna and I have been staring at each other this whole time.
"Why did you come back Johanna?" Peeta asks her.
"What?" she finally looks away from my eyes.
"Why did you come back?" he asks again.
"Because…I…" she stammers. Peeta and I both don't have the heart to push her. "What would you…how would I…when do I…where should I…" she pauses again, not saying anything, and Peeta and I not wanting to push anything. "Do you…is there…" she sighs heavily. "Is there still a place for me here in 12?"
She looks up to make eye contact with me, but I've let go of Peeta—more like he let go of me—and I step forward, pull Johanna into my arms. "There will always be a place here for you, for as long as you want it."