Vengeance: Chapter 37

...

Nell and Eric stood nervously in front of Hetty's desk as she calmly poured herself a cup of tea, her features schooled to passivity even though both techs knew she was furious. Nell knew Eric would break before she would, so she stepped into the breach to take the brunt of Hetty's displeasure and she felt surprisingly unafraid.

"Isn't that money considered ill-gotten gains, Hetty?" Nell asked innocently.

Hetty raised her eyes to meet hers and scrutinized her before shaking her head suddenly in amusement.

"If you were a man, Miss Jones, one might say 'you've got balls'," Hetty said.

"I have..." Eric stopped, his face flooding with color as questioning looks from both women caused him to stammer to a halt.

"Lucky for you two, Director Vance is in a generous mood these days," Hetty said. "He's been practically giddy since the mole in his office was sentenced to a Federal prison as a traitor."

"Hetty, Deeks would have been killed if those two little boys and the people in that town hadn't helped him," Nell said calmly, knowing that Hetty felt the same.

"I agree with you, Nell, but you should have come to me first, before siphoning off that much money from Faolan Boyle's bank accounts," Hetty said with exasperation. "I thought Director Vance was going to have a coronary when he found out. Do you know how long I was on the phone with him before he agreed to your idea?"

"Fifty-four minutes," Eric said quietly, sensing the tide had turned in their favor.

"Fortunately, SecNav approved your little scheme as well," she scolded, "Or you might be following Granger's mole into the Federal prison system. You should be thankful he agreed that the townspeople's courageous actions led to the recovery of a Federal operative and ultimately to the deaths of one traitor and two international fugitives."

Eric looked slightly green when she mentioned prison, swallowing hard as Nell linked her arm with his.

"You'll be happy to know that Mack has informed the elders of Ga-Manyapje," Hetty said. "And after a little confusion over the size of the gift, they have invited us to join them in a celebration."

"Who will be going, Hetty?" Nell asked.

"I will be joining the team for the trip, but I'm afraid you two are grounded," Hetty said firmly. "Next time, talk to me before appropriating a hundred thousand dollars that doesn't belong to you."

"Small price to pay for getting Deeks back though, don't you think, Hetty?" Eric boldly asked.

"Well said, Mr. Beale," Hetty answered as she headed for the bullpen to tell the team to cancel plans for the coming weekend.

...

...

Hetty's news was echoing in his head as he numbly walked away from the bullpen and headed for the locker room. He thought he'd heard Kensi say his name, but the sound of her voice and the words Hetty had just spoken were being drown out by memories of his own screams and he knew he was very close to collapsing. He was thankful he made it inside the locker room before his legs gave out. His hands shook as he tried to grip the edge of one of the white porcelain sinks that appeared to be vibrating as he stared down at it. His vision narrowed as a black fog closed in around him and he pushed himself back from the sink and tried to make it to the shower, hoping a dousing of cold water would snap him out of his onrushing panic attack. He knew he wasn't going to make it when the room tilted violently and his shoulder hit the cold hard tile of the floor. The cool, solid surface helped to steady his dizziness and he managed to drag himself to the wall and ease into a sitting position as a wild feeling of terror struck him like a freight train, plowing through what defenses he had left and leaving him struggling for breath as sweat saturated his shirt. He didn't hear the door open or Callen and Sam come in, he simply tried to hold on as flashing images of that dark cell and the haunting feel of Jürgen's hands on his body choked everything else out of his mind.

A cold washcloth pressed against the back of his neck brought him back to some semblance of reality and he took a shaky breath. The roaring in his ears lessened slightly as he sensed someone sitting on either side of him and he opened his eyes as panic rose in his throat.

"Please, don't," he pleaded softly, fearing that it was the Afrikaners come to tie him up again and he didn't think he could bear that.

"Deeks, it's us," Sam's soft voice filtered through the blinding fear and he mentally clung to the sound.

"We're not going to hurt you Deeks," Callen said, his voice strong and firm and he desperately wanted to believe him.

"Are we alone?" he managed to ask.

"Just the three of us sitting on the floor in the men's locker room in OSP," Sam said as he held the cold washcloth against Deeks' heated skin.

"We won't let anyone near you," Callen said. "You're safe."

"Like that day on the plane," he whispered with relief. "I remember you all standing guard so I could sleep. I hadn't felt that safe for the longest time."

He brought his hands to his face then as the two men sat calmly by his side and slowly his mind righted itself. How they had known what was happening to him, he didn't know, but their presence eased the wild beating of his heart and he was able to take a couple of deep breaths. Callen draped a warm towel around his shoulders and his chills began to subside, bringing a touch of embarrassment that they had to see him like this.

"Sorry," he murmured.

"You don't have to go back there, Deeks," Callen said. "If it's too much, everyone will understand."

He grew angry as Callen spoke and he laughed harshly, startling the two agents.

"I have to go back," he said roughly. "If I don't, I'll never get past what Jürgen and Granger did to me there."

"We'll be right there with you," Sam said and gripped his forearm.

Deeks looked down at Sam's massive hand on his arm and realized he hadn't flinched or pulled away from his touch and he closed his eyes briefly, thankful for small victories.

"It won't be easy, Deeks," Callen cautioned. "You might suffer more panic attacks if you go back."

"I know, but I have to go," He said quietly, letting go of his knees and stretching his legs out in front of him. "I really don't remember much about that town except what you told me in Germany, Sam. When I escaped I tried to get there, but I never made it."

Sam felt him shiver at the memory, knowing what had happened to him after he was recaptured.

"You remember the two little boys?" Callen asked.

"Thuso and Dikobo," he said, smiling softly. "I'll never forget them. I need to go and thank them. They deserve that."

He pulled the washcloth from around his neck and buried his face in it for a few minutes before dropping it and pushing himself up from the floor. Sam and Callen helped him stand and he thanked them as he followed them out. Kensi stood waiting anxiously outside and it surprised him that she hadn't come into the locker room.

"You okay?" she asked as she took his arm.

"Yeah," he said. "Just a little panic attack to start the day off right."

She punched him softly on the arm as he laughed.

"Not funny, Deeks," she said quite seriously.

He returned to his desk under the watchful eyes of all of them and he felt the first stirring of anger. He steeled himself to take their scrutiny, but was thankful when they were called up to Ops, letting him head for the gym where he could relieve the tension and anger that was slowly building. He began pounding the heavy bag, not sparing his right hand until a throbbing pain traveled up his arm and left him panting, which only increased his anger.

"Mr. Deeks?" Hetty looked shocked when she saw him bending over at the waist, holding his right hand tight against his chest. "What on earth are you doing?"

Hetty moved toward him, but Deeks spun away from her and lowered himself onto a bench, refusing to look at her as he held on to his anger and tried to ride out the pain.

"Care to explain your need to re-injure yourself?" Hetty stood resolutely in front of him, her lips pursed and impatient for an answer.

"Just the thought of going back there sent me into a tailspin," he answered, before looking at her with stormy eyes. "It pissed me off."

"Punishing yourself won't help Mr. Deeks," she said gently and sat down next to him.

"I know, but pounding on something helps with the anger," he said. "Hetty, I feel like I take one step forward and then three steps back, it's so damn frustrating and unsettling."

"Unresolved issues, Mr. Deeks," she ventured.

"You're talking about George again," he said, standing and going back to the heavy bag, wrapping his arms around it.

"Yes, and you won't find peace until you deal with your relationship," she said softly as she came up behind him.

"You sound like Nate," he said with a tentative smile.

"You won't talk to him, so you get to talk to me," she said. "Now come have a cup of tea, Mr. Deeks. You've done enough damage to yourself in here."

He followed her meekly back to her office, passing the others as they made their way out. He tried to avoid their eyes, slightly embarrassed by what they had witnessed earlier, but both men slapped him lightly on the shoulder as they passed, teasing him about being in trouble with Hetty. Kensi managed to trail her fingers down his arm as she passed by, trying to linger, but being told to hurry up by Callen as the two senior agents walked out the doors. She touched her lips with her fingers as she hurried to catch up and he felt his heart jump at the sight of her. When he turned back, Hetty was watching him shrewdly.

"What?" A boyish grin lit his face and she crooked her finger at him as she turned toward her office.

When he was seated in front of her desk, she began to carefully prepare a fresh pot of tea, quietly taking her time and letting him relax as she talked.

"Seeing you just now with Kensi reminded me of your early days as partners," she began. "You had some turbulent times together in the beginning and it took you quite awhile to trust each other. If I remember correctly, there were days neither one of you thought you would make it as partners."

"We did irritate each other a little bit," he said with a crooked grin as she served him a steaming cup of some exotic tea. "Actually, a lot. Her taste in music still drives me nuts."

"I believe it wasn't long after you settled in as partners that you discovered you felt something more," she said pointedly. "But she didn't, did she, Mr. Deeks?"

"She did resist my charms for quite a while," he said, laughing softly.

"But you were persistent and eventually won her over."

"Yeah, but it wasn't easy," he said, his eyes misting at the memories. "She can be pretty stubborn. She didn't want to admit she loved me."

"But you believed she was worth fighting for," Hetty said.

"Of course, but she definitely tested my patience," he laughed. "But I loved her enough to keep pursuing her until she felt the same or die trying."

"Tough to let someone go who you've grown to love, isn't it Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked.

Deeks said nothing as it slowly dawned on him that she wasn't really talking about Kensi.

"George won't give up on you," she said, fixing him with a stare he couldn't look away from. "So why are you giving up on him, Mr. Deeks? Isn't his love worth fighting for? You were willing to die for him in that barn and Jürgen wanted you to deny your love for him, but you refused. Why deny him that love now, Mr. Deeks?"

He stared down into his cup of tea for some time before answering.

"Because I'm afraid, Hetty," he said, his uncertainty plain for her to see. "I'm afraid that connection we had has been broken by what happened and I don't want to face that."

"You're braver than that, Mr. Deeks," she said with fervor. "You owe it to yourself to find out. He offered to be a father to you. Is that something you want to give up on so easily? It's rare to get a second chance, Mr. Deeks and I think you know just how rare his kind of love is. Don't let fear and stubbornness rob you of something so precious and don't let the words of another take that from you, especially someone as reprobate as Wilhelm Jürgen."

"Thanks for the tea, Hetty," he said as he rose, giving her a long look before walking away.

...

...

Deeks nodded at Nell with a shy grin as he took the plane tickets and was surprised by the fierce hug she gave him. Neither one spoke, but he knew she would let the others know what he was doing when the time came so they wouldn't be concerned when he didn't show up for the flight at the end of the week. He had cleared his idea with Hetty, but he had kept his plans a secret, even from Kensi, which had been hard. He knew he needed to do this alone, but he knew if Kensi found out she would want to go with him and he didn't want that and he didn't need anymore lectures about personal safety from Sam. So he'd asked Hetty and now Nell for secrecy and the two women had agreed.

He spent the entire flight in somewhat of a fog, trying not to think of anything except getting there. He was surprised when the pilot announced they were landing in Laramie and sat silently on the plane as the other passengers pulled down suitcases and gathered souvenirs, their laughter and brief conversations floating around them as they pushed toward the exit when the door was finally opened. Still, he did not move until one of the flight attendants asked him if he was all right, finally touching his arm to get his attention. He saw that the plane was completely empty and he apologized to the slightly irritated looking woman as he slowly got to his feet and dragged his small bag out of the overhead bin and then trudged along the narrow aisle and walked out into the jetway. The noise in the terminal hit him like a wave and he stopped briefly as memories of his first time there struck him hard. People bumped into him as he stood silently trying to get himself together and then he saw Elan Hand standing in front of him, a look of concern on his face.

"You okay, Cuz?" he asked as he took the bag from his hand.

"Elan?"

"Hetty thought you might need a ride," he answered, putting an arm around his shoulder and steering him through the flood of people.

The two men didn't speak as they walked out to Elan's truck, although Elan stole glances at him when he got in. As they drove out into the countryside, Deeks stared out at the lush green pastures, the land transformed by the warmth of the early spring and so different from the last time he was here. He shivered at the sudden memory, earning another glance from Elan.

"I didn't tell him you were coming, in case you're wondering," Elan said. "I didn't want to get his hopes up in case you bailed."

Deeks didn't respond right away, letting the sudden lump in his throat settle as the smell of new growth blew in through the open window. He could feel the tension in his muscles slowly ease as they drove, the waving grasses soothing him as they had every time he'd been here. He rubbed his hand over his face and down his beard as his emotions became raw at the thought of never seeing this land again. He couldn't separate George from the land. They were one and the same to him, earthy and real and solid, a gift he had never expected and one he was so afraid he might have lost.

"Can you stop, Elan?" he asked.

Elan let the pickup truck slow, guiding it onto the side of the road until he stopped next to a farm gate. He sat quietly as Deeks got out and walked over to lean on the weathered gate, his eyes scanning the distant hills. He took several deep breaths, silently talking to himself as he tried to find the courage to go on. He was grateful that Elan let him be, but saddened by it all the same. He began to realize just how much he had grown to like the man and then Callen's voice rang through his head and his words spun out before him. He recalled the admiration on the senior agent's face as he'd told him what Elan had done. This man he had spoken so few words to had saved them all. Without his actions that day, he would be dead and quite probably, so would Kensi and Joe and George. He had desperately wanted to believe that giving himself up to Jürgen would have kept them safe, but he knew now that wasn't true. His surrender to Jürgen had only postponed the inevitable, because a man that devoid of humanity would never have let them live. The shock of that truth drove him to his knees.

"Marty?" Elan knelt down beside him as he tried to catch his breath.

"I should have fought him, Elan," Deeks choked out angrily. "I gave up and let him take me and it accomplished nothing. Nothing. If it hadn't been for you he would have killed us all."

"You're wrong, Marty," he said, sitting down next to him. "If you had fought him from the beginning, George wouldn't be at the ranch right now, taking care of the horses and spoiling the dogs. Jürgen would have made good on his threat to kill him and you know it. What you did gave me time to get there, where I should have been all along. You did as much as you could to save them. You made him and his men focus on you and I took advantage of that."

Deeks stared at him for a minute and then moved until his back was against the wooden gate, his arms draped over his knees, unsure if he believed what Elan had just said.

"God, Elan, how can I ever repay you? You saved everyone I love," Deeks said softly.

"Do you really love him, Cuz?" Elan said as he stood up. "Cause you sure as hell haven't been acting like it. You're still family, if you let yourself be and family looks out for one another. You want to repay me, Marty? Then suck it up and go make things right with George, because that old man needs you."

"I never meant to hurt him, Elan," Deeks said as he got to his feet. "I just wasn't sure any of you would want anything more to do with me after what happened."

"Joe said you say that," Elan said, staring out at the field. "George thinks you're angry with him, Marty."

Deeks looked down at the ground and shook his head, sadness clinging to him as he reached out and put a hand on Elan's shoulder.

"Come on, Cuz. Let's get you home," Elan said as he threw an arm around him and then shoved him toward the truck.

...

He stepped out of the pickup truck and stood silently, unsure of his feelings, almost holding his breath in anticipation of the unknown reception he might receive. He had expected the dogs to rush him, but they were nowhere to be seen and he watched as Elan walked up the steps to the door. Jim Littleshield opened it and stepped onto the porch, nodding solemnly to him as he went into the house. Jim moved slowly down the steps and Deeks waited as if he was coming to pass sentence on him.

"He's in the barn," Littleshield said and Deeks nodded slightly in response.

"Thanks."

"I knew you'd come," Littleshield said. "He wasn't sure, but I knew. He's been waiting a long time."

Deeks turned toward the gate to the corral and took a few tentative steps toward it, wondering what to say, uncertain if he needed to say anything. Littleshield raised his chin toward the barn and motioned for him to go on and he did, somehow needing that small push just to keep moving. He paused at the gate, taking a moment to look across the pasture, searching for Sheila's familiar shape out by the stand of birch trees, their new leaves brilliant green in the late afternoon sun. He knew he was stalling, but he longed for that sense of calm the big mare always brought him and he was disappointed when he didn't see her. He swallowed hard and when he heard the front door close, he knew they had left him alone to do what he needed to do. He looked out toward the barn and he felt the first prickling of sweat break out beneath his collar, but he ignored it as he walked through the gate, latching it firmly behind him, closing off his escape route, forcing himself forward.

The walk brought the memories back and he felt his right hand begin to shake. He quickly ran it through his hair, trying to steady himself and to slow down his racing heart. Halfway there, he looked up to see the curious faces of two of the dogs appear at the entrance to the barn. They didn't bark and he smiled slightly as he saw their tails begin to wag. Stinker, the black and white Border Collie trotted easily toward him, followed by Toby, the cattle dog. They greeting him quietly, wagging their tails and circling him as they sniffed his shoes and the bottom of his jeans. Their calm acceptance made the day seem like any other and he continued his walk to the barn. He thought he was going to make it without incident, but as soon as he reached the entrance his heart began to pound and he staggered as the first flash of memory struck him and stunned him with the mental pain it brought. He reached for the doorway, needing to grab onto something as his head began to spin, causing him to stumble as he entered the dim confines of the barn. The old familiar smells calmed him briefly, but his first glimpse of the post that George had been tied to sent a wave of nausea coursing through his body and the panic attack struck with such force he had to grab the post just to stay on his feet. He pressed his forehead into the post as he stood clutching it, the blinding images slamming into his mind, blotting out everything. He couldn't control his breathing and began to pant, moaning as the unwanted visions wouldn't leave him alone. Then he felt strong hands grip his shoulders and he turned around quickly, fearing he would come face to face with the man who inhabited his nightmares.

"Please don't hurt him," he begged, caught in the past terror he had tried so hard to forget.

"It's me, son," George said as he brought a comforting, calloused hand up to Deeks' face.

"George?" He stumbled toward him and George pulled him into a hug, holding him tightly as the world spun out of his control. Tears streamed down his face and Deeks clung to the solid strength of the man, afraid to let him go, afraid he would lose him to the nightmare in his head.

"Hold onto me, son," George said firmly. "Hold onto me."

...