HE'S () THERE
Chapter 36 - Self Control
During the entire way, I never got the sense Giry was much excited for what lied ahead, as much as she usually was. She didn't act bothered, she didn't act scared, not even like there was something to talk about, but the silence said everything. My brain could sort of understand - it could tell itself many times over that I was crossing a line, but my heart just didn't get it.
Or maybe it wanted to cross a line.
There was me and there was her, but between us was that shadow. It was much like how they say a ghost feels even though you can't see it. This tenseness when you walk into a room alone... I don't know where it all came from so fast. At the time, I think I just mistook it for the urgency to finish this incomplete dream. I almost forgot to say goodbye to her when we pulled up, but her hand grabbed me by the wrist, hard, and I dropped back into my seat.
"Could you close the door a moment?" She asked. I actually huffed a little before I did. "Are you really doing this?"
"Nothing is going to happen."
"You don't know that," she told me, as sternly as my mother would.
"He told me."
She averted her eyes a moment and almost looked to be shaking her head in the process. "That doesn't... mean... anything."
"It does. He's crazy but he doesn't lie. He always means what he says. He's been honest even when I didn't want him to."
I expected she would be, but she did not seem effected by my words at all. I knew him best and I thought I had said something very true, and still we were moving further and further away from each other.
I reached for the door again and she calmly said the word "charm" under the sound of my shuffling. I pretended I'd never heard it and stepped out, but the car behind me was idle while I came up the deck, like there was some other thing that needed to be said from one of us. I had to open the door and wait before she started moving, and only once I was completely behind her did his hand touch my shoulder. As soon as that, I no longer stayed to watch her disappear.
"Are you tired?" Was the first thing he asked, even though I couldn't see him. I still felt where Giry had grabbed my left hand. Strangely.
"Not yet..." We walked a ways and a crack of light appeared in front of me, opening into the auditorium, and his white arm-less hand on the edge of a door. I followed it to his face. "Are you?" He smiled.
"I don't think you realize how late I stay awake."
"Four in the morning?"
"Sometimes later... Where should we go?" I really had no preference.
"How about the balcony? ...We can... pretend to watch something."
His eyes flickered in response and he sunk back into the dark, for the stairs, I presumed, so I followed his dim shape, reaching for the empty hand at his side. His fingers tightened right away. Maybe it was my never being with anyone before, but I continuously found something special in those simple things.
"So do you sleep at all?" I asked, realizing I sounded like a certain individual who kept accusing him of being a vampire.
"Not a lot." We moved very slowly down the isle, I could see more of him as we went and he was doing that thing again... where he looks at nothing but me and I worry he'll trip. "I have a hard time staying asleep... I'm kind of restless."
"Maybe I should teach you to meditate," I offered, remembering my book.
"And try to make my mind tranquil? ...That's impossible." The first seemed mildly entertained, the second lost that feeling. "My thoughts are always racing. It's taken a lot of practice just to understand which to act on and which to not..." Suddenly I was highly intrigued. He had stopped to sit on the balcony edge and lean, as he so often did, surveying the empty room. It didn't seem to reflect as empty in his eye.
"Everyone... kind of has to do that though."
"We have a different outcome, if things go wrong... I'm mostly thankful for it though... I've really... come a long way... having self control... I know the Me that doesn't..."
"It's funny you say that. I'm starting to understand the Me that doesn't... and I like it more, even though it's hard to reach that." He looked down on me like I had pulled him back from that dark place he had started towards.
"I do too."
"...So you can't sleep because you wanna put roses all over my deck."
"Hehh!..." He laughed. Godamnit... He did this and I wanted this space between us to disappear, for me to be bold enough to make it to, but I couldn't. "That's it, exactly."
He stopped speaking, so I... I just moved forward slightly, enough to make our knees touch. He saw everything in this small action and his hand holding to the railing stretched out so he could finish off that distance. My arms came up around him as soon as I had the chance and instead of resting over his shoulder, I pressed my forehead against his. He withdrew his own breath, and so did I. It was surprising to me at first that we would have the same reaction. Eventually I had to let it go, I did it as softly as I could, and he did too, but I still felt it.
I had been told this moment was the start of a kiss, because you almost felt it already, because of its inevitability, but my face began to fall towards my own lap. I was too scared to follow through.
"I'm sorry.."
"I can wait," he whispered into my ear, pressing as close to me as he could. It brought about a great deal of comfort. "Two years..." He finished, sounding very content, but the way his fingers brushed over me, the way he breathed... I knew better. I meant my apology.
Eventually I settled against him and thought as the hand behind me stroked my hair. He did it so gently I may have been tiring, and he may have been staring at me, but I didn't care. I held on tight.
"I liked someone once, for two years," came out after a little while. "It was in middle school. I... had a crush on him at the end of fifth grade and we ended up transferring to the same place, and then it just kept getting worse, and I remember he was even dating a girl for a while, and I saw them once at a dance, together, and it made me so angry. Heh..." I paused, wondering if he had anything to say, but he waited for me to continue, still stroking my hair. "When I found out I had to move here, I decided I needed to tell him once and for all that I'd always liked him... I figured it wouldn't make a difference what he thought. So I... wrote him a love letter." I looked down to my lap again. "It was very poetic."
"I can imagine it would be," he finally replied, much softer than I'd been speaking to him. The contrast of then and now was amazing...
"He... never replied. And I know he got it, because I asked my friend to give it to him face-to-face. It was so nerve-wracking... I kept thinking... 'Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the day,' but it wasn't, and I convinced myself that... he hadn't exactly said no... maybe he was shy... So I... when... by the time we'd moved here, I was still stuck on going back, that this was temporary... partly because I thought when I came back he might have given me a chance or something. But I know now that he'd actually just rejected me."
He was quiet, so I sighed.
"It was hard, though, being around him that long, feeling sort of hopeless. Thinking I should just move on. He only noticed me sometimes. I think he forgot my name occasionally."
"Hmph."
"I always seem to like people who don't know I exist. Or I like people who don't exist. Just an idea of a person... a wonderful person... For a year, I told myself I was in love with you... I mean... the idea of you... When I was a freshman. I was actually kind of happy that way. I was committed, in here," I put my hand to my heart, "I wasn't alone... I... I had an angel... you know?"
I tried to look up to him and he released me a little so he could retract, so he could come right through me wit his eyes.
"You did..." He said in a very confirming tone... For a second I was at a loss why he was confirming my own fantasy when his own side came to light.
"M-Maybe I felt you around." He wasn't so sure of that. "I hope I did." He breathed in and out, like he may have spoken, but changed his mind. "...How far are we going to take this? I just want to know what... what you're thinking."
"In what way do you mean?"
"You were telling me... I wouldn't... need to lie to my parents, when I moved, for school."
"If I stayed with you... that's all I meant." He stared at the floor and the hand behind me slipped away.
"I do want you to stay with me."
"For how long, though?"
"For... as long as we need each other."
"That may never stop."
I watched his gaze move along the space between us. He seemed to be watching my reaction in his peripheral. I had no idea how this could be answered, and what my feelings were, even.
I could've been so thankful he was willing to wait for me, that he was committing to a relationship... but it brought me back to that conversation with Giry... about my Christine-self... convincing Lily that she wants to be with this person she doesn't know... How did I even know that he meant it... who was he right now? He hadn't called me Christine in a while. I felt like I was Lily, and my most instinctive answer was that it was okay if it never stopped.
"...I don't mind if it comes to that. ...It's too far ahead to think about, though."
"I know... You're so young." He was slightly smiling at the floor now.
"And you're old... Is that what you're getting at? Because I don't buy it."
"I... certainly have a few on you."
"How old are you?"
"...You look tired."
"Oh, come on." He paused a long while. "Are you old enough to buy a drink?"
"I don't drink."
"That's... not exactly the answer to my question," I said, matter-of-factly. This seemed to put him in a good mood again.
"I know."
Oh! I saw how it was. ...I tried to think of something full of wit to say back, but before I had worked it out, he rose.
"There's something I need to tend to very quickly..."
"...Alright," I said like it was nothing at all. Truthfully, I didn't know why I couldn't just follow him. He seemed regretful, but he was down the stairs shortly after, leaving me at the edge of the balcony a bit clueless.
I set my hands on the railing again and found my gold reflection. It was hard to see, but I could tell the night had taken a toll on me. If there was one thing I didn't like about guys it was that they never told you when you looked like crap so you could fix it.
My brush was with the stuff I brought so I took out my barrettes, fixed myself up, and waited for him still.
I knew it had been at least ten minutes when my phone beeped inside my purse.
I'm being interrupted, it seems. Please wait. I won't let this take more than 20 min.
What in the hell was going on?
I took the phone with me and went down the stairs. I had seen enough disturbing things around here not to be scared anymore what I would find. That sounds like some kind of foreshadowing that I was an idiot wandering into something bad, I know, but I didn't want to wait. I almost wanted to stumble into a reality.
He wasn't at the front porch, he wasn't behind any door I opened along the way. The only place remaining was the hallway stairs, all the more unlit as I descended. The air down here was cold, almost uncomfortable to breathe at first. I knew I'd reached a place I didn't belong, it almost felt tense, even to be at the foot of the stairs, watching the floor just disappear into total black.
When I turned towards the steps again, a door just to the left caught my attention. It distinguished itself from the other (visible) ones because it was slightly open. I sort of let myself gravitate toward it and raise my arm, just to tap it. To make sure everything around me was silent, I stayed a moment, eyes on the floor, until it seemed safe to push that door all the way back and raise my other hand along the inside wall of this room. My fingers successfully found a switch, which startled me because I didn't want to shed this room with light until I was ready.
I waited to feel sure, by a confirming silence, that I was the only one there, silly as it was considering Erik was quite good at showing up without making any sound. I wasn't really afraid of him finding me as I was someone else. I knew he wasn't always alone.
I made myself do it quickly and a very weak blue-ish light flooded the room and flickered over the cement floor. A stain along the wall ran from it to the edge of a metal shelf, littered with nameless containers, all covered with dust, and webs... I took a moment just to study a spider, dry and tangled, long since dead.
It came to my attention not long after that across that tiny room was another open door. I couldn't see anything past it, even when I crossed my arms tightly and stepped to the edge, looking out into nothing... I thought it was the under side of the stage.
I looked back into the room and I faced the other side, which had a long white sink, rust everywhere... and so red, it made me uneasy.
Just then a sound I couldn't quite describe came from beyond the second door, and I was out of there, instantaneously. I flicked the light and went back up those stairs like death itself was chasing me, returning to where I was expected to be with haste.
He still didn't come back after that, though.
In no hurry, I made my way to the balcony, took a seat at the front, and eased further and further back into my chair, eventually with my forehead rested in my hand. It was almost 11 PM. Who gets interrupted doing anything that late? Did he know other insomniacs?
I realized I had dozed off when a hand landed very gently on my arm, shaking me with some sort of timidness. I shot my eyes open and he was kneeling next to my chair. It came as a surprise to me that I'd fallen asleep at all, given that I was here... and I could tell he thought it funny. "You told me not to touch you if you fell asleep, but..."
"I wasn't sleeping, actually."
"You're tired."
"You're not," I insisted. I was not going to fall asleep this early. I mean, just because I couldn't sleep at all last night, thinking about this dance, and woke up at 7:00 for school... i-i-it didn't mean I had to sleep yet. It just didn't.
"You don't want to wait for me."
I sat up straight. "We'll see how it goes."
My comment brought about soft laughter. "Alright." The hand on my arm slid down and held mine with a slight tug. "You don't look comfortable here," he said, rising.
I did the same and felt a stretch. "I-I'm not that tired, I was just resting because you just flat-out disappeared f-for a-"
"I'm sorry."
He took my bag in his other arm and we headed for the back door.
"You gonna tell me why?" I had his whole arm tightly in my clutch all the way down the stairs.
"I had to return something to someone who wasn't willing to wait."
"Which is..."
"Heh... Disappointing, because I really wanted to spend that time with you."
"That doesn't answer my-...question..." At the start of the hallway, I realized he was about to take me down below. I tried to be passive about it.
When we reached the bottom, I noticed that the door to the left was closed, completely. I'd left it as open as when I entered.
He took us into the darkness before I could think anything else of it. A room opened in front of me, its glow almost unimaginable. Every candlestick I had ever seen on the stage was lining this room. The smell of the burning wax broke into the hallway as soon as the door was opened.
We stepped in at the same time and he used his free hand to swing the door closed behind us. The first thing in front of us was a bed, completely red, which put me on end, even though it should've have, because he'd promised.
"I told you I don't want to sleep yet."
I turned around and saw his smile, with his eyes illuminated by the flames. I could make out the rings of his irises. It was kind of beautiful. Actually. "...We'll see how it goes," he reassured, a little smugly. "Why don't you sit down?"
Why not? ...
I watched him as he approached a tall table at his left while resting just at the edge of the bed. It had a stack of books, and on the top, one which resembled what I gave him. He took off his coat there, and I averted my eyes, watching his shadow instead, and the shadow of the candlesticks. I think I was afraid of actually being attracted to him.
"Are you okay?"
I turned back and he was just standing there, looking... won...derful.
"Hhghh. Of course." He slid next to me and stared, practically waiting for me to crack... I'd ran out of words a while ago. I clutched my hands in my lap. My gaze was somewhere in the space between us, but I was watching his white hand on the bed.
"...I terrify you," he told me. I looked up and he was piercing through me again, except I had never seen his eyes so bright.
"...I-I think you do."
"...Can I change that?"
I thought about it a moment.
"...No." I watched for his response. A tiny smile at the edge of his mouth died away. "I've never been this terrified. But I think I need to be."
As that sunk in for him, I could feel the space vanishing again, and I dropped my face and rose my hand to bring my hair behind my ear, even though it was already there.
"...Can we still talk?" I felt really juvenile asking, like I was wasting his time, but he didn't seem phased.
"Anything you want," he answered quietly, retracting. He was good at hiding his disappointment.
He let me ask him completely inane questions to escape this terrible tension between us afterward. And I kept staring at him the whole time. I got tired and laid across the bed with my feet still on the floor and he mirrored me, and I almost couldn't take it anymore. Perhaps the only thing that stopped me was that I was nodding off, and it would've taken a considerable amount of energy to be propelled by lust at this point.
He never got tired. The way he looked at me, it was as though I was the only thing that existed, like there was no such thing as midnight. I tried to keep up with him, I really did. He never stopped waiting to hear me speak again, even when my sentences grew meaningless and short. I wasn't expecting to feel a weight on my waist and a hand around my back as I was dozing, but he did it only to guide me to the top of the bed, where I curled up, covering half my face, a habit when I was sleepy.
He got up to extinguish the candles when he thought he had lost me, and came back. He didn't try to speak to me, he just laid the same distance apart as before. He had no idea how much I appreciated that gesture.