Thanks for reading! Some calm before the storm.
"Kanae."
The curtains part with a metallic screech. Kanae lifts her head, her skull aching and heavy. Her ankle throbs, but it's a relatively simply break, according to the doctor. The hospital reeks of soap and rubber gloves.
Matsumae stares at her. Kanae winces. "If you're going to yell at me, I don't want to hear it."
"I'm not going to yell at you." Matsumae says. Dawn bites and claws its way through the brewing purple clouds outside. "Ui's talking to the police. They have questions for you."
Kanae folds her arms over her chest. "I'm not answering."
Matsumae regards her with a strange look in her eyes. A nurse patters by, giggling over something with a colleague. "Why did you jump?"
"So they could get away," says Kanae. Find Rize, Shuu, and come home.
She didn't tell him that for Rize. She told him that for Kaneki, because until Kaneki finds Rize, Kanae doubts he'll ever find peace. And Kaneki is still Shuu's friend. And her friend.
Hopefully they had some success at Nutcracker's.
"Why?" asks Matsumae.
Kanae lifts her shoulders.
Matsumae sighs, pulling her purse onto her lap. Shadows hang under her eyes. "Everyone knows, Kanae."
Her stomach tenses. Of course they do. The paramedics said it last night when they carried her back to the hospital on that stretcher. "Teenage girl…" She knew they'd find out. And still, she jumped. So this is how Kanae dies. "I don't care."
When she looked over that guardrail, she spotted the flashing, spinning lights of the police cars, just pinpricks. She could jump and they wouldn't hit her. As long as they saw her, at least. They came awfully close, though.
"Okay then." Matsumae bites her lip. The room lightens even more. "Mirumo's plane landed an hour ago. Furuta called him to tell him about the two of you running away."
"It wasn't just the two of us," Kanae snaps.
"I'm aware." She rolls her eyes. "I'm sure he's on his way."
Oh, fuck. Kanae's not sure she's ready for that. Her heart starts to pound. Sweat prickles under her chin.
"He's just a charity case," scoffed one of the housekeepers, and Kanae ran out into the garden at the Tsukiyama house, trying not to cry but knowing that she'd fail at that too, that she was the reason her brothers were dead, since they tried to protect her from that intruder. The sobs tore at her chest. She crouched under a rosebush and pricked her thumb.
What if he kicks me out? What if he and the school kick me out? she wonders.
She felt a hand on her shoulder that day, and when she turned around, she saw Shuu for the first time, home from school and still in his uniform, and she couldn't cry because she couldn't breathe.
"Please stop crying alone."
Shuu won't let that happen, Kanae reassures herself.
A throat clears. Kanae looks up to see Ui staring down at her, his brow creased as if he's wondering why he has to deal with all the drama. "You're being discharged. The police have agreed to question you on campus as opposed to in the station."
Matsumae smiles at her, and it hits Kanae like a hoof to her chest: you asked for that.
You helped me.
The nurses insist on wheeling her out in chair. Matsumae carries her crutches. Kanae closes her eyes inside the car, Ui muttering something that sounds like some very inappropriate words as he fumbles to turn the key in the ignition. The car reeks of cigarette smoke. Blech. Her father used to smoke cigars. Those smelled much nicer, spicy and rich. Mirumo smokes the same brand, and when Kanae first arrived, she used to hide outside Mirumo's office, breathing in the scent.
I miss you, Daddy, she would think. I'll make you proud. I'll be the son you wanted to carry on your name.
I'll make you all proud. Nathanael, Arunolt, Emma. Dad.
I doubt you'd be proud of me today, Dad, Kanae thinks as they speed under the same overpass she leaped off of last night.
Be safe wherever you are, Shuu.
But maybe Dad would be. Maybe Mom would be, Nathanael, Arunolt too. Maybe they'd be like Matsumae, hand on her shoulder like a guard, or like Nishiki, who screamed last night like an older brother would, or even like Ui, who, despite his set jaw, keeps checking on her in the rearview mirror.
They drive through the gates of Re Academy, and Matsumae helps her out of the car. She swings her crutches. They jab her armpits.
Mado's office is as unpleasant as ever, and several uniformed policemen stand there waiting for her. Matsumae and Ui sit on either side of her, both with their arm crossed.
"Where are they?" is the first question she's asked.
"I'm not telling," she responds.
"Did you all meet up with Ken Kaneki?"
Kanae crosses her arms. Mado's practically purple in the face. Are you mad at Akira? Or worried for her? Or both?
"Are they okay?" tries the second officer, younger and fatter. He sips a coffee. Damn, it smells good. Kanae's stomach rumbles.
"I don't know," Kanae answers honestly, stealing a glance at Mado. He clutches the windowsill, shoulders hunching.
"Are they together?"
"I don't know." And she doesn't. Anything could have happened in the hours that have passed.
"Aren't they your friends, Kanae?" tries the young one again. "Don't you want us to help them?"
"I want them to be helped, sure," Kanae says. "Not by you." Because I can't trust you. Are you working with Dr. Kanou? Who even knows?
Ui cringes.
Panic chomps down on her throat. She gasps. Dr. Kanou—he'll know I know. Won't he figure Seidou told us?
"What is it?" asks the cop, too eagerly.
"My ankle hurts," says Kanae.
"Your medical records list you as male, but the doctor who treated you last night says differently," chimes in the first officer, the mustached one Kanae hates because his voice grates her.
"I don't want to talk about that."
"Your counselor here at the school, Nimura Furuta, says you never mentioned—"
Ui's phone goes off. Kanae raises her eyebrows as he fumbles for it. "Oh, thank God," Ui whispers.
"What is it?" snaps Mado.
"Her guardian's here," Ui says, gesturing to Kanae. "He'll want to see her."
The officers exchange a look. Matsumae gets to her feet. "If he wants a few moments alone with Kanae, he can have those, can't he? Kanae's not under arrest."
"Not yet," says the first officer, folding his hands together. "But it's likely he—or she—will be."
Shit. Hunger gnaws at her stomach, and she wishes she could fold herself into it.
"In that case, Kanae's definitely entitled to talk to her guardian," Matsumae says sharply.
"She is," confirms Mado, turning around to glare at the officers.
If they find Akira, she'll be arrested too, won't she be? Kanae realizes.
And then they've filed out of the room, and her ankle really throbs now, pain spasming through her calf. She winces, leaning down to massage it.
The door opens, and Mirumo strides in, bathed in the scent of those cigars. Kanae freezes. How much did they tell you?
"Kanae," he says wearily, and drops into the seat across from her. She inches back in her chair.
They stare at each other for a few moments. Kanae counts her heartbeats. One. Two. Three. This surely isn't how Mirumo planned to come back from his business trip, to the news that his beloved son's missing and his foster kid's being arrested.
Mirumo's face crumples. "Is Shuu—"
"He's safe," Kanae blurts out. "Or he should be—there's something he has to do, someone he has to help—I can't say more than that." She twists her hands in her lap. Please don't hate me. "Please trust him."
Mirumo nods, gulping. He leans across and takes her hand. "If he was in danger, you would tell me."
She nods. "But I don't know for sure." Please believe me. "They can't trust the police."
Mirumo snorts. "That, I understand."
Kanae peers up at him.
"I trust you," he says. "You've always looked out for Shuu. If you say he needs to do this—I believe you."
Something shatters. You think that highly of me? You respect my opinion?
She doesn't feel like a kid crying in a garden anymore. You're treating me like an adult.
I don't know if I deserve it.
"Kanae, they said you're—that you're not—" Mirumo's face grows red. "Is there something you should tell me?"
Here we go. I wish you were here for this, Shuu. When she pictured telling Mirumo, Shuu was always there, holding her hand, supporting her. Kanae swallows. "I'm—Karren von Rosewald. I was born as Karren. Not Kanae. I—"
Mirumo exhales. "Okay."
"I'm sorry I lied."
He tilts his head to the side, and for a moment, he almost resembles his son. "Why did you lie?"
"My father—wanted a son to carry on his name—I heard him telling my mother how happy he was to have two sons—when they all died, I—" She hangs her head. "I used their names to make an acronym. Plus my own."
"Oh." Mirumo squeezes her hand, and courage sparks to lift her head. "Are you happy as Kanae now?"
She shakes her head. Tears spill out. "I want to be Karren."
"Okay, then," Mirumo says. "Karren."
Just like that? You're okay with it? She wipes at her eyes and he pulls his hands back.
"Did Shuu know?"
"Only recently," Karren admits. "A little over a month ago."
Mirumo nods, adjusting his tie. His suit looks wrinkled, Karren notices. "You didn't think I'd get rid of you, did you, Karren?"
"I—" She closes her mouth.
"Trust us a little more," Mirumo says, with a small smile.
Oh. "Okay." She meets his eyes. Should I do it?
Why not?
"I love your son."
Mirumo snorts. "I know."
"He says he loves me," Karren says. "We've been dating the past month."
Charity case… She squeezes her eyes shut.
"Well," says Mirumo, and her heart hurtles ahead. "I couldn't be prouder to hear that."
Her eyes fly open, and the way he looks at her—he's sincere. He means it. Her news makes him happy.
There's a knock at the door, and when the police come back it, Mirumo tells them he's getting Karren a lawyer and she's not to answer another question until they arrive. Of course, she winds up down at the police station and they issue warrants for arrest for the other students. When Karren gets back to campus, though, Mirumo tells her he's booking a room at the nearest hotel and will wait until Shuu reappears.
The first person that runs up to her as she hobbles towards Dorm Block 20 is Chie Hori. "Kanae!"
"Are they—"
"They're okay," Chie reassures her. "Are you?"
"My ankle's busted," Karren responds. She remembers Mirumo's acceptance of her and guilt chafes at her. "Chie—I'm sorry I was so mean to you earlier this year."
"It's okay," Chie says, eyes running up and down her. "Rumor has it you're—not a guy."
"Rumors are correct," Karren says. "My name's Karren."
Chie giggles and holds out her hand to shake. "Nice to meet you, Karren."
Karren takes her hand. Rest in peace, Dad, Nathanael, Arunolt, and Emma.
Meet at one am to evade Ui and his magic ears, texts Hide. Ui caught them trying to meet up the night before and was not happy. Kanae will join us. Except Kanae's now Karren but you can ask her about that at the meeting because until then she needs to sleep.
"Huh?" Mutsuki frowns at his phone. Okay then. At least Kanae—Karren's—okay. And Mutsuki still has time. He scuttles around the room.
The door opens behind him. "Hey," says Urie. "You get Hide's message?"
"Yup." Mutsuki nods, and Urie freezes, gaping at the room. Fake candles line the desks. The curtains are pulled shut, and everything smells like cinnamon. "Um—Shirazu said he'd stay away until nine or so. He and Saiko are still working on some of their scenes for the play." Not that there's even a point. Or maybe there will be, if everyone can come back soon.
Even in the dim light, Mutsuki can see Urie's face reddening. "How long have you been planning this?"
Mutsuki stands in the middle of the room, knotting his light sweater in his hands. "I mean—"
"I didn't know you were such a romantic," Urie teases. "Fake candles?"
"They're Saiko's, and I'm not. You are, though."
Urie's eyes widen, and he drops his bag to the floor. He reaches for Mutsuki, pulling him close and kissing him. As always, he waits, lips softly brushing his, for Mutsuki to open his mouth before he even attempts to go deeper.
Is this what it's like? Mutsuki wonders. To do it with someone you love? His stomach knots, but not in a painful way. Warmth seeps through his abdomen, his legs. He melts against Urie.
"Are you sure?" Urie rasps. "It hasn't been—very long, Tooru." He lifts Mutsuki's hand, resting their palms together. "I don't want you to have any regrets."
Tooru. Mutsuki presses his head into Urie's shoulder. "I don't want you to have any either." I want to move forward. With you, if possible, but either way, I want to move forward.
"I would never regret you," Urie tells him, voice a whisper against Mutsuki's ear. He wraps one arm around Mutsuki's waist, and with their chests pressed together, hearts beating in rhythm, it seems almost like they're dancing, but the world's still around them, waiting.
Tears spring to his eyes. "I love you."
Urie's chest heaves, like he's struggling to breathe, struggling not to cry.
It means that much to you? That I love you? Mutsuki's eyes fly open, and he stands on tiptoe, taking Urie's mouth in his.
Urie carries Mutsuki to the bed, picking up a condom from the desk on the way. Mutsuki's heart pounds, but there's no fear. Every nerve in his body feels awake, alive in a way he's never felt before, and there's no pain.
Urie looks down at him, purple hair covering his eyes, and Mutsuki reaches up to brush it away. I choose you.
And for some crazy reason, you choose me. You know I'm sick, and you still love me. You want to help me but you don't try to force me.
You're not perfect, but I love you.
"You're the first person I've ever wanted to do this with," Mutsuki manages, pillow soft against the back of his head.
Urie closes his eyes. "Tell me whether I'm hurting you, or if you want to stop, okay?"
Mutsuki nods. Urie sits back and pulls off his shirt. Then Urie reaches out, looking at Mutsuki for any sign of a no.
I want to do this. Mutsuki takes Urie's hand and puts it on the zipper of his pants. Urie pulls it down, helps Mutsuki out of them, and Mutsuki pushes Urie's jeans down.
Urie moves towards Mutuski's shirt, and Mutsuki bites his lip. A flicker of fear burns. Urie pulls his hands back. Mutsuki turns his head away as he removes his shirt, binder still on, but scars visible.
Do you think they're disgusting? Mutsuki trembles.
Urie leans over and traces the scars winding up Mutsuki's shoulders. He knows that Mutsuki's father gave these to him, and still, he embraces Mutsuki like he's everything Urie wants. Mutsuki turns back to face him, lips plastered together, breathing hitched.
And then their underwears are off, and fear creeps in again. Mutsuki bites the insides of his cheeks. A flash of him crying into this very blanket, of a cat, of a far angrier face surges.
Do you think I'm grotesque?
Urie's lips meet his. "You're perfect."
Perfect. The word pours into Mutsuki's lungs, drowning him. He coughs, and then he's crying again—just a bit. Dammit.
Urie wipes Mutsuki's eyes for him. "We can stop."
Mutsuki shakes his head and angles his hips up, wrapping his legs around Urie's. "I want you." Tears fade away. His stomach burns.
This is my choice. And it's a choice no one gets to make for me.
"Okay," Urie says, tensing. Mutsuki plants his lips on Urie's pecs. His skin tastes intoxicating, and Mutsuki wants more. He lets out a gasp as Urie runs his hands down Mutsuki's sides, over his binder and over the soft skin between his ribs and then his hipbones.
"Hold on," Mutsuki manages, breaking away.
"Yeah?" Urie's already sweating and they haven't even started.
Mutsuki sits up, fingers groping for his binder. He grabs it and tears it off.
Urie hesitates. "But you said—"
"I changed my mind." Now you see me. All of me.
I don't want to hold anything back. Not from you.
Urie doesn't even need to say he's perfect again. His eyes say it all.
I don't have to figure it all out, Mutsuki realizes. I don't know what I want to be—in terms of anything.
No matter what, though, he knows Urie wants to listen, really wants to know him. And he won't abandon him.
It only hurts a bit at the beginning, and then it's not painful but something else, something completely different that eclipses all of Mutsuki's memories, light bleeding over the dark. Urie moves too fast and Mutsuki has to tell him to slow down, palms against his chest, and Urie listens. Urie calls him Tooru and he calls him Kuki, and their bodies meld together, and Mutsuki doesn't feel like two people but whole, and full, and loved.