so mario and luigi and zarya and their new mental health assistant bot bender rodriguez were sitting on mario's couch even though it was covered in tacos and mario said "bender, you're a nurse robot right" and bender said "yeah sure pal, whatever floats your metaphorical boat" and mario said "okay so mop the floor" and bender said "i'm a fucking nurse, not a god damn floor mopper! you're a plumber, right?" and mario said "yeah" and then bender said "okay so bite my shiny metal ass!" and mario said "no. god damn you're bad for my already apparently non existant mental health. are you even a licensed psychiatrist" and bender said "no." and zarys said "then what use are you, little robot man" and bender said "i didn't graduate from bending academy just to take shit from a woman! arm wrestle me, bitch" so zarya and bender decided to arm wrestle and mario and luigi were cheering them on and then zarya flexed her arm and bender's arm went flying across the room and bender fell onto the floor and started rolling around on the ground and screaming and then he had to walk out of the house and narrowly avoid gunfire and rockets and then he picked up his arm from the lawn and then he walked back in and he said "okay muscle lady, you proved your point, now NEVER do that again." and then bender started piocking mario's hair for ticks and mario said "what are you doing" and bender said "i'm therapeutically massaging your scalp to improve your mental health" and then bender said "ooh, tasty" as he got a particularly delicious fly and luigi said "this robot is fucking stupid. why do we have him" and bender said "okay listen dude. you're LEGALLY obligated to keep me around, so if you don't think you can dictate my actions at the threat of getting rid of me, you've got another thing coming. a BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS shaped thing. coming your way!" and then mario said "well the mushroom kingdom is in chaos, so i'm going to guess that our government is out of business, which in turn means that the law is no longer in effect, which in turn means that it no longer matters whether or not this is legal." and then bender said "so what are you going to do about it, tough guy" and then zarya said "he will do nothing! i will punch you in your face!" and then she punched him in the face, and then she picked him up and threw him out of their house
and luigi whispered to mario "that's my wife" and mario said "believe me, i KNOW. i had to go to a fucking psych ward because you invaded my privacy and kicked me out of my own room. i think it's time for some brotherly love" and then he punched luigi in the face and luigi said "what the fuck was that for?!" and then mario said "FOR KICKING ME OUT OF MY OWN ROOM SO THAT YOU AND YOUR RUSSIAN WIFE COULD HAVE SEX IN IT" and zarya walked over to mario and said "you have a complaint to file?" and mario said "fuck yeah i do" and then he marched up his steps and took zarya's suitcase and threw it down the staircase and he said "never go into my room again" and zarya whispered to luigi "i think your brother has inadequacy issues" and luigi said "no actually i think he has a point and we probably shouldn't have kicked him out of his own room" and zarya said "but there is nothing more illicit than having sex in the brother of your husband's room while your husband's brother sleeps on the couch. it is ancient russian bodybuilder tradition" and luigi said "no it's not" and zarya said "yeah you're right actually."
then troy mcclure ran into the house and he said "good news, everybody! i'm troy mcclure, adn you may know me as the guy who you had dragged to a psych ward despite him being perfectly mentally sound! it turns out that there's a war going on, so after enduring brutal torture for days alongside my buddy and soul comrade mario, i was able to be released from custody! can i sleep on your couch?" and luigi and zarya said "oh my god fine. sleep on the fucking couch." and they went upstairs to luigi's room and they started having sex really loudly and mario was in the other room and he started getting red with rage and fire started shooting from his nostrils because sometimes when he was made his fire powers would activate in his nose and mario screamed "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST HAVE SEX QUIETLY LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE" and troy mcclure screamed "MARIO! KINDLY SHUT UP THAT I MAY SLEEP IN YOUR TACO ENCRUSTED LOVE MATTRESS" and mario screamed "WHY IS TROY MCCLURE IN OUR HOUSE" and troy mcclure screamde "YOU ARE A VICTIM ONLY OF THE CHARITY OF THE SHARED MEMBERS OF YOUR OWN HOUSEHOLD" and mario said "fuck i hate my life" and then a miniature bomb hit the roof of his house and his room was left exposed to the chills of the nature and ash and rain poured into his rain and mario started screaming and jumped out of the house and ran off into the wilderness to discover himself. (actually he was just going to crash at chewbacca's place since chewbacca was absent and whatnot)
so the next morning luigi and zarya woke up to the smell of gunfire and the sounds of people screaming and luigi said "god i can't believe we're just sleeping our house like normal in the middle of the destruction of the mushroom kingdom" and zarya said "what? this isn't normal for you? when i was baby, my mother rocked me to sleep to the sound of russia being bombed into obliteration by american freight planes, and the next day i'd wake up to the sounds of the city being rebuilt by angry communist construction workers. it was a daily struggle. you americans have it easy." and luigi said "wow i've been offered a window into your past that i never asked for and am psychologically worse off for having known" and zarya said "it is not my fault that you have mental babydick as well as actual baby dick. try eat russian turnips, and grow big russian dick, that you may be better equippde to handle the challenges in life" and luigi said "are you saying that i don't satisfy you sexually" and zarya said "no, no. you are just right for me. i have small vagina. it is abnormally so." and luigi felt supremely insulted. she may have a small vagina, but that meant that he had a small dick, which was the lowest blow for his fragile sense of masculinity.
and zarya said "do not worry, little man. yours will not be the first ego that i have shattered. you are an above average lover. the others were all too busy trying to pin me to the ground, and then they felt the 'butt hurts' when they were completely unable to. our relationships ended with them crying the tears of small, underweight babies who did not like being tossed out of the door by russian woman." and luigi said "so you only appreciate me for my interpretive stance towards personal masculine expression?" and zarya said "exactly. you are a little man, but very special little man. that is why you are my husband." and then a bomb hit right next to their house and luigi jumped out of bed and then zarya said "do not worry, little man. you only need to worry when the bombs are hitting the house. do you have the bomb shelter?" and luigi said "uh no this house does not have a bomb shelter. this is america, not the ussr" and then zarya said "oh, then little man is right to be worried" but she stayed in bed
then luigi said "ok so why aren't you getting out of bed" and zarya said "i would not be brave muscular russian woman if i jump every time a bomb explodes outside my window."
then troy mcclure walked into the room and he said "hello! i am troy mcclure, the man you carelessly carted off to a psych ward and who you now have offered free shelter at your house! i regret to inform you that i am displeased with the quality of your free hospitality. you! overly muscular woman clearly suffering from a hormone imbalance and from improper womanducation! i demand that you depart this room immediately and cook me a delicious, restaurant quality meal." and luigi said "dude fuck off this is my room" and zarya said "i am in bed. if you make me leave this bed, you will regret it for the rest of your life. choose your next word carefully, little man" and troy mcclure said "i would not be the great troy mcclure if i did not know how to handle a mere woman. woman! move your ass! i demand treatment, and i will receive it!" and then zarya got up, very deliberately slowly, flexed a few times, then stood up onto the floor and walked over to troy mcclure and punched him in the gut, breaking every bone in his body and causing him to flail out of the open door like a limp ragdoll
then luigi said "so zarya, maybe we should get out of the mushroom kingdom? i mean, it's kind of a shithole" and zarya said "there is a little man bunker underneath the mushroom castle, that we can escape into. i heard it on the radio. but it is for little men. i prefer sleeping in the battlefield. it reminds me of home."