Living with the choice Chapter 38, an eastenders fanfic

Christian's Birthday

June 15th (6:49 pm)

Amira: Are you going to tell me what's wrong?

Here we go again he thought. All he'd encountered from her lately was question after question, comment after comment. Worry followed by concern. He knew what he was doing to her and he felt the guilt every second of every day, but he still couldn't stop himself. The truth was that he'd reached the point where he could barely hold her hand anymore without feeling his insides churn.

Syed knew that he'd been distant with her lately, and he'd spent as much time avoiding her as he possibly could. His days were spent working from dawn till dusk at the unit, his nights spent walking the empty streets. He didn't mind where he went or who he saw. Anywhere was better than being at home and having to see her face breaking as he turned away from her.

Syed: Nothing. I've told you. I'm fine.

Amira: You're not babe. I hardly see you any more. You wander in from work as late as you possibly can and go straight to bed. You hardly say 2 words to me from one day to the next and when was the last time we...?

He resisted the shudder that travelled through his body and turned to grab his jacket. Sex, it was always about the sex.

Syed: It's just difficult. Being in the same house as my parents. I feel awkward, you know I do.

He'd been using this excuse for so long that he even started to believe it himself. Every time he felt her hand slide onto his chest and make it's way downwards he could feel himself stiffen, his blood freezing at the thought of having to be intimate with her and he hated doing it to her. And each time he reached for her hand to stop her he felt the wrongness that was his relief. He could still her her sigh as he told her.

Syed: They'll hear.

Amira: Were married. I think they know what were doing babe!

Her smile was always the worst. The hopeful 'I'll talk you around' smile that showed how badly she wanted him as she nuzzled his neck, how she had pictured spending every night with him coiled around her. Instead the only part of her husband she saw in bed was his back, and lately that was covered in his t-shirt.

Syed: Are you ready? We're going to be late.

Amira: I don't see why you're so keen on going anyway. You hardly speak to him these days do you?

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June 15th (6:56 pm)

As soon as they opened the doors to the Vic, Syed's eyes searched the room for him. He needed to see him, needed to be close to him, but he was nowhere to be seen.

Amira: I'm going to find the birthday boy.

Syed smiled at her he walked up to the bar. It was strange how his mood had suddenly changed.

Syed: 2 orange juices please Roxy

He tried his best as he looked around not to seem to eager. He had to be here somewhere, breathing in the same air as him. He could almost taste him.

Syed: Where's Christian?

Roxy: Oh, you know Christian. Fashionably late and all that! He won't be long.

He closed the flat door behind him and spun around on the spot as soon as he heard his voice.

Andy: You could have made an effort!

Christian: Andy!

Andy: Hey.

He slowly walked towards him, feeling satisfied with himself that Christian's smile was one of relief and genuine happiness.

Andy: Couldn't let you grow old without me could I?

He was so glad to see him, so glad that he'd that he pulled him into a hug.

Christian: Thank you. For coming.

Andy: OK! Calm down, you're going to squeeze me to death!

Christian: Sorry. Andy, about...

Andy: Don't, please. We both said some things. Let's just leave it yeah?

Christian: But...

Andy: Please. It's your birthday and there's a pub over there with a whole load of booze with my name on it!

Christian laughed. In the space of 30 seconds his mood had lifted entirely.

Andy: Mine's a double tho,

Christian: Um... it's my birthday! Aren't you supposed to be buying me the drinks?!

Andy: I'm gatecrashing! This is now a birthday/leaving party!

Christian: You're back 5 minutes and you're already taking over!

Andy: Yup, what can I say?!

June 15th (7:13 pm)

Roxy: So that's it. I've no idea what it was about tho. I'm surprised he never told you to be honest. I thought you two were joined at the hip.

Syed: Yeah, we've kind of... drifted apart lately.

So it wasn't because of him. Roxy had spent the last ten minutes filling him in on everything that had happened between Christian and Andy and, as glad as it made him that he was no longer around, sticking the knife in and twisting Christian's mind, he was sad because Christian was sad.

Roxy: Finally!

Syed swung around and smiled as he saw Christian walk in through the door. Closely followed by...

Roxy: Andy!

Christian: Drop the act Rox, he told me you called him.

Roxy: YEah well, someone had to put a smile on your face didn't they?!

Syed's eyes dropped to their hands as Andy linked them together. His hand in Christian's? His blood boiled at the sight.

Roxy: Where have you two been? We've been waiting for you!

Andy opened his mouth to speak but stopped as soon as he saw Syed. This was to good an opportunity to pass up

Andy: Sorry Rox, my fault. We've been getting re-acquainted.

Christian's laugh as he said it was the final nail in Syed's heart. He hadn't seen him as he walked in but Andy had. He'd seen his eyes focus on him as he delivered the blow. But he refused to break eye contact, refused to let him see him hurt.

Andy: Haven't we babe?

As soon as he turned to face him Syed almost ran into the toilets and felt the bile rise from his stomach. He couldn't shake the image of them together, naked, in bed, wrapped around each other's bodies.

Andy: Aw, not feeling well?

Syed spun around and saw his face. He knew exactly what he was doing and it was working. He was breaking Christian down and tearing Syed apart. He couldn't stand to see him, to see that face, those eyes.

Syed: Get out.

Syed turned and lowered his head. Everything was such a mess and it was all his fault.

Andy: You know, you should go home if you're not feeling up to it.

It wasn't what he said, it was the way he said them, the way everything spilled from his mouth like poison.

Syed: Just get out! Get OUT!

He felt him take a step forward, felt him lean over as he whispered in his ear.

Andy: Told you I'd look after him for you didn't I? Told him I'd keep him nice and safe for you.

Acting before thinking, Syed grabbed him and pushed him back against the wall. He was angry, he was hurt but more than anything, his jealousy just wouldn't stop. As Andy's laughter echoed through his ears it did nothing to stop the burning feeling inside him threaten to scream through. Syed knew that this was what he wanted, that Andy had probably planned this all along and here he was, falling prey to his pathetic plan. But he couldn't help himself.

Andy: Careful Syed, or I'll think you're coming onto me. Now that would be fun wouldn't it?

Syed: Leave me alone.

Andy: And why would I want to do that? We've got so much catching up to do. Don't you want to know how he's spent his birthday?

He bent forward and whispered in his ear.

Andy: Insatiable isn't he?

Syed slammed him back against the wall again, harder this time.

Andy: Now, now Syed. You wanted him to get over you and now he has. All he needed was a one night with me and he's forgotten your name already.

Syed: You haven't slept with him yet!

Andy: Really?! What do you think we've been doing all afternoon then? What do you think I gave him to unwrap for his birthday?

Syed let him go and walked backwards The tears winning the battle and falling fast.

Andy: Can't stand it can you. Thinking of him in bed with me. Touching me, holding me, kissing me. Fucking me.

Syed: Stop it.

Andy: Doing everything he did with you, only with me instead. Why do you think we were late?

He walked towards Syed as he spoke.

Andy: We lost track of time as we rolled around the room, fucked like mad for hours on end.

Syed: Why are you doing this?

His tears were coming thick and fast, his voice almost begging him to stop without saying the words.

Andy: Because you did it to him. He had to picture you, lying there night after night with her. You led him on day after day. And her?! She actually gives him the details! Did you know that! He has to sit there and listen to her as she drones on about how amazing you are, how sex is everything she'd ever imagined and more!

Syed: I'm sorry.

Andy: Don't be. You sent him straight into my arms. I should be thanking you really! He's all mine now, you wont even get a look in.

Syed turned away from him. He couldn't handle hearing the words even though he knew they were the truth.

Andy: He's with me now Syed. He sleeps with me, kisses me.

He walked up behind him and whispered quietly in his ear.

Andy: It's me that gets to taste his cock now.

He couldn't take any more he ran from the bathroom, out into the pub and straight into Christian, his chest stopping Syed with a force

Christian: Sorry! Sy?

Syed couldn't speak as their eyes met. All he could see was them, in bed together. He couldn't be here, he couldn't see them together. He had to get out.

Christian: Sy?!

Andy: Drink babe?

It clicked into place as soon as Christian saw him. Syed and Andy in the same room together, it all made sense now.

Christian: What did you say to him?

Andy: Who?

Christian: Syed

Andy: Syed?

Christian: Andy! What did you say to him?

Andy: Nothing! Look he saw us together OK and he looked upset. I just went in to see if he was OK.

Christian: And you didn't wind him up?

Andy: No!

Christian stared at him

Andy: OK, maybe a little! But who cares Christian! Let's just enjoy the party!

Christian: Oh Andy! You idiot!

He turned and walked out of the Vic scouting the square for any sign of him.

Christian: Where are you Sy?

He pulled out his mobile and pushed the speed dial button, laughing as he realised he hadn't changed it. It rang twice and went to answer phone. He kept ringing and ringing, knowing he was just pressing the reject button on him. Finally he answered him.

Syed: What?

Christian: Where are you?

Syed: Leave me alone.

Christian: Where are you Sy?

Syed sighed at his name for him. He'd missed hearing it, missed hearing his voice saying it.

Syed: Please... just... go enjoy your party. I'm fine... I just needed some air

Christian: Sy, what did he...

Syed: Please!

He couldn't think of him, he didn't want to think of him.

Syed: Please just... just leave me alone Christian.

As soon as he heard his voice break, as he could almost hear the tears through the phone he realised that there was only one place Syed would go to. The same place he would go to.

Christian: I'm coming to find you.