AN: This chapter may not seem important and almost like one of those chapters (which I do end up writing, I admit) where I introduce something and then never bring it up again, but Ashley is an important character and has a lot to do with the pressure on Harry's sanity and overall psyche in later chapters. Don't ignore Ashley. She is important.

Also, this is the beginning to a sequence of chapters that seem to be my favorites, considering how quickly, easily and eagerly I got through editing and re-reading them. I hope you enjoy them as well.

Chapter 36

The Mysterious Ashley Story

A five year old Harry sat in the center of a white room dressed in all black on a medium sized black square. His eyes searched the white walls to search for some type of imperfection. The walls were starting to get to him; they were just too white. They had no lines, no edges, no nothing; nothing but white. It bore into his eyes like a strange white light. He had been staring at them for an hour now.

He remembered what his Aunt had said about the white light you saw when you died. He didn't think he was dying right at this moment but maybe if he reached for the light… But what about God's plans? Harry asked himself.

He changed his plans, his mind told him, and he wants you to go to the light.

Harry moved onto his hands and knees in the black square, and then glanced at the wall he knew was a mirror out of the corner of his eye. He couldn't see it, but he knew they were there. They were always watching.

He reached his hand out of the box and touched the white floor with two fingers. Then came the great shock that suddenly ran through his veins and he quickly pulled away to make it stop. He looked at his fingers to make sure they were okay. It wasn't that bad, they were just a little red, but his body felt like it had the chills and he couldn't stop shaking for a few seconds. He looked at the white floor again. When did the color white decide to hurt me? Harry asked himself as he pulled his sleeves down over his palms. He leaned forward toward the floor and looked over, leaning over the line that defined the area of the square. Nothing happened. He leaned over farther and without noticing shifted his hand over the line and into the white area. Then he felt the great shock run through him again like shivers that wouldn't stop no matter how warm it became. He fell over in pain, into the white zone and more pain spread through his skin, raising the hairs on his arms and at his neck and turning all skin that touched the floor a soft shade of red.

He forced himself to, shakily, to move back into the box and the shock waves left his skin but the shivers stayed as he curled himself into a ball to make sure he stayed inside the black at all times. He wasn't stupid. White was bad for him. The color white would shock him and hurt him and made his skin shiver till pain. The black clothes and this black square were obviously keeping him safe. It was white's rival. It would keep him safe. This was part of God's testing him. God was trying to show him the difference between good and evil. White would cause him pain and shivers, black would cling to him and keep him safe from harm.

It was when his shivers finally stopped and he was still curled up in his safe black cocoon that he heard the voices behind the wall. "Alright, you can take him out now," the voice said, echoing in the walls like crystal.

Then a wall split in two and two men in white coats walked in and reached for him. "It's time to leave Harry!"

"It's St. Jimmy now you arse-hole."

"Harry, come with me," the man said, grabbing Harry's arm and trying to pull him along.

"NO! THE WHITE FLOOR WILL HURT ME! LET GO!" Harry screamed at the man, trying his hardest to stay within the black perimeter.

"Harry, come on. We've turned the shock units off. It's safe."

"God's warning me. You're the enemy! You're in all white. You're trying to hurt me!" Harry screamed hysterically at the man, shoving him away and pulling at the grip the man had on his arm.

"Harry, stop acting. We know it's not working."

"Stop pulling. You're trying to take me away from God! He won't let you," Harry said. He brought his leg around and kicked the man in his shin. The man fell to the ground and Harry shoved the heel of his foot into his crotch. He rolled onto his side clutching himself while Harry sat back down in his square watching the man in pain and wondering where he had learned to do that.

The other doctors gathered around and two pulled the hurt doctor out of the room and the others stared curiously at young Harry as he watched them closely beneath his dark lashes. The men looked to each other, and then took their chances, grabbing Harry all at once, ignoring his screams of protest.

\-\

"So they changed your uniform personally for you?" Fish asked, as they walked down Privet Drive discussing Harry's first year at school.

"Yeah, apparently they don't like when I scream. But they said it was only temporary and as soon as I get over this I'll have to wear my normal uniform when required. I've decided that I'll just wear a black outfit underneath my normal uniform, that way the white clothes won't be able to come in contact with my skin."

"Good plan St. Jimmy."

"I thought so too."

"So it's just the clothes then?"

"Well if I'm surrounded by black all the time, as in my clothing, then the white won't be able to hurt me."

"Oh," Fish said. His leader was a little insane but his conscious told him that this was right. Harry sat in the front seat of the abandoned car they had left on the playground for themselves after they hijacked it. Fish sat down on the grass at Harry's feet and stared up at him. "St. Jimmy? When are you going to get more followers? I found these two really cool guys. They're smart like you. They know all this weird math and technology crap. They're twins to."

"Fish, are you sure about this follower and leader stuff? I mean, I just want a friend."

"Well I can be both if you want," Fish said, kneeling now so he didn't look up so far. "I can be your friend and a follower."

"But why the followers? God never mentioned followers in his message."

"Well he just forgot. Trust me, this is right. I feel it."

Harry smiled and stroked Fish's blond hair between his fingers. Fish closed his eyes till Harry stopped. "So, who are these twins you mentioned?"

\-\

"Hi St. Jimmy," Ashley smiled seductively, fluttering her eyelashes. She blushed and ran a hand through her long brown hair.

"Hey Ash," Harry replied, ignorant of her flirting nature toward him as he looked through a stack of videos in Fish's room.

Bonnie was sitting at the end of Fish's bed glaring at Ash while Fish lay horizontally across the bed watching his leader slowly search for something to watch. Tim and Tom were sitting on the floor, silently mocking Ash by overly batting their eyelashes at each other and running their hands through their own shorter hair.

Ashley glared at them evilly.

They both turned to each other with wide eyes and their hands over their mouths like daunted ladies.

"So St. Jimmy—"

"Hold on Ash. Fish, what is Spice World doing in your room?"

"Um, it's my sisters. She must have left it in here as a joke," Fish said, his eyes shifting.

"Right," Harry drawled with a smile, as he knew Fish was lying.

"St. Jimmy," Ash said again.

"What is it Ash?"

"I have a new movie we could all watch."

"What about?"

"Britney Spears. She's this cool new singer."

"Singers don't have movies, they have music videos," Harry said.

"Whatever. It's good anyway, I'm sure you'll like it. You're such a good judge of music," she smiled, reaching out to touch his leg while he was distracted. Before she made contact a pillow was thrown at her making her scream in surprise. She glared at Fish as she knew it was him from the large smile.

"I'm so sorry Ash. It slipped right out of my hand."

"Sure, you asshole," she mumbled.

"Don't insult Fish, Ashley. He's higher rank than you are," Harry said.

"I'm sorry St. Jimmy. I don't know what came over me," she smiled, making herself blush.

"Yeah, let's just watch this video of yours," Harry said, leaning back against the end of the bed beside Bonnie's legs. He leaned his head on her knees and ran his hand over her bare ankle.

Ashley took a deep breath to calm herself when she saw this and grabbed the tape from her small bag near the door. She put in the tape and pressed play and sat back beside Harry who remained oblivious as he was fiddling with Bonnie's ankle and listening to her giggle. This did not make Ashley happy but she turned back to her idol as the video started.

"You can turn it off now," Harry said, not impressed.

"But it's not even over yet."

"I don't appreciate sluts and the fact that we're being shoved into pop culture," Harry said, pressing the stop button on the VCR. "She was in bare midriff and was singing about very inappropriate things. If either of you girls starts dressing like her I'll fire you both."

"Don't worry St. Jimmy, I have no desire to wander around in a low cut Catholic school girl uniform," Bonnie giggled, running her fingers over Harry's hair from his bangs to his ears.

"Well I think she's cool, and I like pop music," Ash fought.

"Well that's great, but you can listen to that in your own time. We listen to rock and punk and bands that want to express a meaning other than sex."

"Whatever," she sighed, taking the tape out of the VCR and putting it back in her bag. "You find something to watch in Fish's small selection then."

"It's not small. I have a whole bunch of videos."

"Yeah, none that are interesting. What's your friend doing with the Little Mermaid and Spice World huh? And you think Britney Spears is the slut?"

"Hey! Just because I watch half-naked girls in my own spare time does not mean I want to watch them with you. And for your information the Spice Girls are awesome and Britney Spears sucks because we do not listen to American pop singers, it's a disgrace to our country. Not that you would understand that you're a disgrace to the entire group."

"Fish that's enough. We all know the Spice Girls are awesome, you don't have to defend their honor," Harry smiled.

"You bet your arse they are. I may be either but I know what's hot. Britney Spears has nothing on them. Plus, there's five of them and only one of her."

"Well Britney is blond!"

"The Spice Girls have Baby Spice and her favorite color is blue and her clothes aren't nearly as slutty as your friend Britney."

"Well Britney is prettier then her."

"Britney is trailer trash who will end up with two ugly children and flashing herself to the press and marrying one of her ugly trashy back-up dancers with really bad facial hair that can't speak proper English!" Fish said, leaning forward to glare at her.

Tim and Tom cheered and clapped.

Ash fumed and gave a great sigh. "You guys suck. I'm going home," she said angrily, grabbing her bag and slipping on her shoes, leaving for her home and slamming the door behind her.

"See St. Jimmy, this is a prime example of why we shouldn't have added another girl. There's only room for one."

Harry didn't respond and remained silently staring at the door Ashley had slammed behind her, his expression ashamed.

"And by one you mean you want to get rid of Ash right? Not me?"

"That's the point I was getting at flower," Fish smiled. "We would never get rid of you. You are an important addition to the group; whereas Ash has nothing but horrible American singing to offer to the group."

Bonnie giggled as Fish stroked a lock of her hair and then moved away from her, so as to not anger St. Jimmy. Harry grabbed two videos from Fish's pile near the television set. "Alright, either The Little Mermaid or Spice World?"

"The Little Mermaid," they all recited, except Fish, who really couldn't choose.

"Right," Harry said putting the video into the VCR and pressing play. He sat back next to Bonnie and put his arm over her shoulders.

.

Two weeks later:

.

"St. Jimmy," Fish yelled from outside the house. No one was allowed to come up and knock to request his presence so they were left to resort to yelling, which they didn't mind at all. "Are you coming out?"

"What's wrong with St. Jimmy?" Ashley asked, walking up behind Fish.

"Nothing, he's just being held captive again," Fish said, turning around slightly. His eyes widened at the sight of Ashley. "Holy, fucking hell. What demon crawled up your arse and dressed you this morning?" he asked seriously.

"What?"

"You know St. Jimmy is going to freak if he sees you dressed like that," Fish said, eyeing the girl's belly shirt, red jeans, and the shiny glitter around her eyes.

"Why? My mother said I looked pretty."

"Your mother works for the ass fucking Americans Ashley! Is this Britney Spears' latest slut outfit?"

"She's not a slut. She's pretty and she has a great voice. Just because the rest of you listen to bad guitar playing and gay guys in tight pants who scream instead of sing doesn't mean I have to."

Fish's mouth hung open in a look of pure horror. He turned back to the house. "ST. JIMMY!"

\-\

Harry lay on the floor in the ballroom, his head resting in Bonnie's lap as she ran her fingers through his hair. Fish was fighting off Tim and Tom with their fake, practice swords by the window so they had better lighting.

"Pet, where do you buy your shoes?" Harry asked, staring at her rubber pink sandals.

"I can't tell you, remember?"

"You don't know do you?"

"My grandmama bought them for me. How do you do that?"

"It's my job to know when you're all lying to me pet. I'm getting good practice out of asking you about your shoes," Harry smiled.

Bonnie glared down at him but continued to play lovingly with his hair.

The door opened across the room and the butler walked in escorting Ashley behind him. "Ms. Ash," he announced, putting emphasis on the nickname like he did everyone's. He still thought them funny.

Ashley walked into the room wearing a completely white, fashionable dress, white tights, and new white flats. Bonnie looked a little envious but then looked down at Harry and smiled.

"Are we being a ghost today Ash?" Fish laughed, getting himself whacked with Tom's plastic sword. He fought back, now distracted from Ashley.

Ashley went over to Harry.

"Hey Ash," he greeted tentatively, eyeing the white she had draped herself in. "Now everyone knows I don't like rules but I have to enforce the dress code. You know white freaks me out," Harry said, sitting up from Bonnie's lap.

"I know. That's why I wore it."

"You wanted to freak me out?" Harry questioned.

Ashley looked down at the floor and her eyes watered and she gave a small sob.

"Ash?"

"I love you St. Jimmy. But I know you don't feel the same way. Why don't you love me?" she sobbed. She slowly pulled a gun out of her pocket and lifted it up to face him. Bonnie screamed and wrapped her arms around Harry's shoulders. "Get the hell off of him you bitch!" Ashley yelled at her.

Harry pushed Bonnie gently away from him and stood up, to look Ashley in the eye.

Fish and the twins watched with wide-eyes at what was going on before them. They never expected anyone to ever go crazy on St. Jimmy. He was their leader. It just wouldn't do well for anyone to try and fight, or in this case kill, the person who was trying to save you. Apparently Ashley wasn't patient enough for her save.

Harry eyed Ashley carefully. "Ash? Is that gun loaded?"

"St. Jimmy, I wanted to be with you so much. I thought we were meant to be together. But you just wouldn't let me in. I could have been the one for you."

"Ash, you hardly know me."

"I tried to be with you and bond with you but you wouldn't come to me."

"Ashley, what are you saying?"

Ashley lifted the gun and pointed it at him. "If I can't have you, no one should," she cried, wiping her empty hand under her eyes.

"Ashley, you don't want to do this. You're not thinking straight. Where did you get that gun?"

"My father. Since you don't trust me with one yet."

"And for good reason. You're trying to kill me."

"You want to visit God don't you?" she asked hysterically.

"Ash, please put the gun down. You don't mean to do this. This isn't going to help anyone."

"It'll help me. This is the only way I can think of where I won't have to live without you."

"You don't have to live without me, I'm right here."

"But I can't have you! Now, hold still so I can aim. I wasn't trained at this like everyone else." She took her aim and when she shot Fish came over to step in front of Harry but Harry pulled them both to the floor to get out of range.

The sound of the gun shooting off alerted the other members of the house hold. Cameron ran in and seeing Ashley about to aim again the two men Cameron was talking with quickly took hold of the situation and grabbed the little girl and the gun out of her fingers as she pulled the trigger again. The shot hit the wall and the one man held Ashley tightly, holding her arms down as she tried to get away and the other man emptied the gun of the bullets and put them into his pocket.

The first man looked down at Ashley and Cameron came over to kneel in front of her. "Ashley, what were you doing? That gun was loaded."

"Me and Harry were going to be together in heaven. I had to kill him first." Cameron looked over at Harry as the young boy pulled him and his friend off the floor. The boy had such an alluring grip on people and he probably never noticed, maybe he did now. He couldn't help the pull he had on people, but who knew it would get a nine year old girl to try and shoot him and then plan to kill herself afterward. He turned back to Ashley. "Ashley, this was a planned murder. You're going to get in a lot of trouble. Do you know what kind of trouble you're going to be in?"

Ashley turned her eyes to Harry but Fish stepped in front of him to block her view. "I love you St. Jimmy," she said quietly.

"Alright, let's get her out of here and call the police over," Cameron said. The two men took her into the other room and Cameron went over the others. "Are you all okay?"

"I will forever hate Americans," Harry said. "Is she going to be okay? Is she, like, completely gone in the head or what?"

"I don't know. But I'm sure the police will want to ask you some questions. Can you tell me what happened?"

"We were just hanging out and she came in and pulled out a gun. She told me that if she couldn't have me then no one could and then Fish came over to try to protect me and I pulled him down to the floor just as she shot at us. Then you came in."

"Did you teach her how to use a gun Harry? Cause I know you own one."

Harry lowered his eyes, embarrassed to know that Bonnie's father knew he owned a gun. "I hadn't gained her trust as of yet so I haven't given her any weapons."

"That's good. So where did she get the gun?"

"She said she got it from her father. She was angry that I didn't trust her with one."

"Okay. You'll have to tell the police this to okay?"

"Do I have to talk to them? You know how I am with authority," Harry said shyly.

"I'll talk to them," Fish offered. "I saw the whole thing."

"Alright—"

He was cut off by another gun shot in the room and they all looked toward the door to see Ashley smiling with the gun in her hand. Two police men came over quickly and carefully tackled her to the floor.

"I love you St. Jimmy," she said as the police cuffed her behind the back and pulled her from the room. Then Bonnie screamed.

"Bonnie what—" She was pointing at Harry with her hand over her mouth.

They all looked at Harry and Harry looked down at his shoulder where blood was soaking through his black T-shirt. He pressed his fingers to the blood and held it out to look at the deep red blood that dripped off his fingers.

"Oh lord. Harry, come on. We have to get you fixed up," Cameron said, reaching out for him to move in front of him so they could leave because he knew grabbing Harry would only make him yell.

"Why? I'm not hurt."

"Harry you've been shot," Cameron exclaimed.

"I don't feel any pain."

"Come on St. Jimmy," Bonnie said, taking his other wrist and pulling him along. "We'll get you all patched up and then we'll file for a restraining order. Who knows what that girl will be sentenced."

Harry followed her willingly and everyone else came along after.

Cameron called for his wife as he sat Harry down in the small hospital wing. Because of his daughters constant chemistry experiments in the house he found it necessary. It had only two beds in it and it was cozier than other rooms because Bonnie said the white would infect her and then Harry wouldn't come near her again.

While Harry sat on the bed with Fish sitting beside him, Cameron collected his wife and told her to fetch the healer. Harry was occupied from this talk as he was staring at the blood on his shirt and looking at it from his fingers.

"Harry, stop touching it. You're going to get an infection."

"It's so thick."

A healer ran in so fast he had to skid on the floor. He started whispering to Bonnie's father and mother very quickly, and Fish looked up at the words, "boy-who-lived." The man then quickly came up to them and kneeled in front of Harry. "Mr. Potter," he said.

"St. Jimmy," Harry corrected.

"St. Jimmy. I'm going to have to take care of that if you don't mind. So if you please look here at the tip of this stick," the man said, holding up his wand. "You three, would you also look this way." When they were all looking there was a small light and they passed out.

\-\

Harry awoke to the comforting feel of soft kisses at his neck and his cheek. "Bonnie?" he questioned, his eyes still unopened as he welcomed the black behind his eyelids.

"Who else would it be?" the lips smiled, placing another kiss on his neck. Harry sighed contentedly. "Are you alright? You were shaking?"

Harry opened his eyes and looked up into Bonnie's eyes as she looked down at him worriedly. He stroked her hair behind her ear. "It was just a bad dream. I'm fine."

Bonnie lay on her side and looked at him. "You want to talk about it?"

Harry was silent for a second and closed his eyes taking a breath. He looked up at the white ceiling again. "Ashley," he said bluntly.

"Oh," she sighed, lying on her back. She stared up at the ceiling and it was silent for a second. She turned over again and stared at Harry as he blinked at the ceiling. "Harry—" She put her hand on his arm but Harry pulled away and climbed out of bed and headed toward the bathroom, closing the door.

Bonnie sighed and sat up in bed leaning back against the headboard, staring at the bathroom door. She turned to the clock to see that it was five a.m. The silence seemed to have lasted so much longer then that in her head. She climbed out of bed and grabbed some clothes before heading downstairs. She took the door to the Gryffindor common room. Only two first year girls were up finishing their homework so she headed up to the seventh year girl's dorms to brush her teeth and shower and get dressed.

She headed back to Harry's rooms and headed in to see if he had left the room. "Harry?" She noticed the bathroom door and walked over to knock quietly. "Harry, are you coming to breakfast?"

It was all quiet in the bathroom except for the sound of running water.

"Are you alright Harry?" she asked nervously.

"I'll see you at lunch Bonnie," he said quietly, through the door.

Bonnie sighed. "Alright." She then left the room with her book bag and purse and headed down to the Great Hall. She sat down at the table and set her bags down. She looked up to see them all staring at her. "What?"

"Where's Harry?" Fish asked.

"He's having a quiet breakdown in the bathroom," she said plainly.

"What for?"

"He had a nightmare."

Fish made a face at her for her to continue.

"About Ash."

Fish leaned back in his chair and his face went lax. "Oh." He looked down at his breakfast and then pushed it away.

"Who's Ash?" Ron asked.

"She tried to shoot Harry," Tim said.

"She was obsessed," Tom said.

"She went mental."

"Harry couldn't save her."

"He wasn't happy."

"This was his follower?" Hermione asked.

"Ashley was nine, obsessed with Britney Spears, and she wanted to marry Harry in heaven. So she tried to kill him," Bonnie said, sounding tired. "He's fine besides the times when he actually remembers. But at those times we just leave him to his own devices and he comes back at lunch. He's fine." She stared at her food before even taking a bite before sighing and setting her silverware down and pushing away her plate. "She should have died," she said bitterly.

Fish looked down into his pumpkin juice as he drank it as Bonnie played with her knife.

"I hated her. She used to dress like me."

"Let's not talk about it please. I hate remembering."

Bonnie set the knife down and sighed. She took out her wand and tapped her glass before quickly bringing it to her lips and downing the glass. "I'm going to class."

"We'll join you," Fish said quickly, shoving Tim and Tom to stand with him, each grabbing their bags. The others soon joined them, all heading to DADA besides Ginny who soon went to Transfiguration.

\-\

Meanwhile, Harry sat in the bathroom listening, hypnotized, to the sound of running water in the sink and the bathtub. He had his back to the bathtub and his hand dipped in the freezing cold water. The sound itself was calming but the cold water was keeping him from breaking down. When he was younger he always secretly enjoyed Ashley being one of his followers. She was weird, annoying, obsessive, and she tried to press her suggestions on him. And when he was alone with his friends, his close followers that were there when she was: Bonnie, Fish, Tim and Tom; he would pretend to feel the same way they did about her. Annoyed and cold toward all her opinions and such. But deep down the fact was that Harry enjoyed her. She was strange and weird and she was different to him. He remembered when he had interviewed her to join the group. They had been alone because he insisted that Fish not watch over his shoulder. He did that when interviewing Tim and he almost backed out.

Ashley had smiled sweetly at him, directly called him St. Jimmy and told him she was completely normal in the head. Harry had laughed and they had talked for two hours discussing her problems with her family and how she was once obsessed with My Little Pony stickers and had to have her stomach pumped of the sticky paper because she wanted to be filled with her obsession. She said she had gotten better but Harry found her so mad that he just had to keep her. He told her she was perfect for his group and she had been so very excited she had almost given him a hug. Then they went over the rules. Ashley seemed determined to do well and Harry was proud.

He had tried to save her, but he had never expected himself to be her next big obsession. And he had never expected her to go that far to be with him like she had her My Little Pony stickers. She had tried to kill him and though Harry could stand physical pain, like a bullet lodged deep into his arm, it was nothing to the pain of watching one of his followers be driven away to the hospital for help. Harry was ashamed that he couldn't help her. He had done so well with others, before and after, even if they left, but he couldn't save her.

After nine years the guilt of not saving her was still eating away at him. He hated it.

There was a knock on the door and then the familiar worried voice of Josh, "Harry? Are you alright in there?"

Harry gave no answer. He knew his voice may come out strained so he'd rather stay silent.

"Harry, why is the water running?" That was a different voice. His father was outside the door to. He should be in a class, teaching. Someone told them he was moping and brooding. Everyone but Ginny was in Defense, probably being tortured by Sirius's bad jokes.

He still refused to answer.

"Harry, Fish said you were moping. He sounded worried. And Bonnie sounded like she had something to drink for breakfast that you wouldn't approve of. And Ron and Hermione looked very confused so I'm guessing the source of your brooding has something to do with followers or something that upset you before you met them. Also Fish has started brooding because your future wife looks like she wants to hurt someone and yet he sat down right next to her. I think he's very worried about you. Obviously, this has happened before because Bonnie also seems annoyed—"

He was cut off when the door unlocked and then swung open fiercely. "Alright, it's none of your business. If I want to brood, I'm going to do so. If I want to whine and slowly sink myself into a deep depression because of some girl I'm going to do it. And if Bonnie wants to drink herself into a stupor again because she's jealous of a girl who tried to shoot me than tell her to go right ahead. And Fish is fine he's just over dramatic." He slammed the door shut again and fell back against the bathtub, throwing his hand back into the water.

Both men outside looked at each other.

"Harry this sounds serious," Josh said. "Why would Bonnie drink herself into a drunken stupor over a girl who tried to shoot you?"

"Why is she jealous?" James asked.

"Who shot you?"

Harry groaned and laid down on the floor, "God, shut up. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to sulk in my misery. So go away!" Harry yelled.

"Harry if you don't come out of the bathroom right now I will get your mother over here."

"Go ahead. I'll be drowning in the bathtub by time she gets here. Oooh," Harry replied through the door.

"Is he kidding?" James asked.

"I'm not sure," Josh whispered. "Harry, was that a joke? You're worrying us now. Nothing can be that bad that you want to kill yourself. Who was Ashley; maybe if you tell us we can help."

Harry lay quietly on the floor, his hand dipped back in the cold water. He thought it over. What good is a therapist if I'm not going to use him? Harry thought. So he decided. He got up, opened the door and stood to the side. "If you want to talk we have to do it in the bathroom," he said strictly.

"Okay," Josh agreed, used to his patients strange suggestions. He walked in and James followed him.

"Why do you have your hand in the tub?" James asked after Harry had sat down on the floor.

"Because it's calming. I enjoy the cold."

"What's going on Harry? Do you do this often?" Josh asked.

"Only when I think about her. I had a dream, I remembered her, the day she shot me, and everything."

"Who's her?" James asked.

"Ashley. She was one of my followers. She had an obsessive personality. Her new obsession had become me. She wanted to kill me so that when she killed herself we would both end up in heaven and we would get married. I tried to talk her out of it but she shot me in the shoulder," Harry said, fingering the place where he had found blood that day. "Then the cops took her away and Cameron's healer knocked me unconscious with a spell so he could heal me. I later learned that they had taken Ashley away and her parents agreed to get her mental help."

"Well that's good isn't it?" Josh asked.

"I added her to my group to save her. Not to send her to the stupid doctors who will shove pills down her throat and force her into group therapy with other psychotics who probably didn't wash their hands."

"Harry you can't save everyone," Josh said.

"I've saved everyone else. Do you know how many followers I have? They're all doing fine. I just couldn't save her. And she was obsessed with me. With me? Why is it so hard to save someone who's obsessed with you? She would have done anything I said. I wouldn't know it's not like I ever told her to stop being obsessed with Britney, her annoying disposition is what made me enjoy her company. That's why Bonnie's unhappy at the moment. She knew I was so close to giving in to Ashley just to save her. Then I might be getting married to her instead. Because Bonnie can stare from afar and not end up shooting me. Ashley couldn't."

"You actually considered taking the mental girl instead of Bonnie?" Josh asked. "I thought you asked God for her. She must mean more than Ashley."

"Of course she does. She means the world to me. But when I was nine I was stupid and I just wanted to save her from the wicked doctors. Of course I know better now. I love Bonnie like no one else; she doesn't understand that, she's still jealous of any girl who stares at me just like I am with any guy who stares at her. And obviously Ashley would have gotten tired of me. She hardly knew me then. Once she found out how completely insane I am she would have went to find a new obsession I had no control over."

"You seem to be telling yourself what I would have told you. Why are you having such a problem with this if you understand it?"

"Because," he whined, lowering his head so his hair hung in his eyes, looking much longer then it had yesterday, "I have a problem and I feel as though I have to save everyone."

"People can depend on themselves Harry."

"What do you think I tell people? I don't spend every moment with all my followers. I force them to help themselves. And if they can't they have me or someone close by to go to. We're like family. Sadly, I was the only one who could stand Ashley and I wasn't able to handle it."

"Where is Ashley now? Do you know or did you not want to know?" Josh asked.

"Well, I have a restraining order against her. Cameron convinced me to get one when Ashley left her center a few months after she went in. But last I heard of her she was put in a mental institution somewhere. They told me it was best not to visit her or send her any letters or anything. But she's still part of the group. I never kicked her out. Just because she was sick was no reason to rip her contract."

"When was the last you heard from her?" Josh asked.

"Well when I was nine and she was being taken away. But the last I heard about her was from one of the doctors who contacted Cameron per my request. They said they confiscated some things from her that might remind her of me and they had her on a few drugs that might help her. I never heard if they did or not and I don't know if she's even still there."

"You're not scared that she might have left the institute and might come looking for you?"

"I got the restraining order renewed last year," Harry said. "I'm not scared of her, I just don't want anything to come between me and Bonnie and I don't want her to relapse if she is out and doing better."

"But you still get upset when you think about her?" Josh asked.

"I think it just hits me hard and I need to think it over for a little while. I usually finish brooding by lunch."

"How many times does this usually happen?"

"I don't know. Not often. It didn't happen at all last year or the year before that. Over the summer I remembered her. The summer after I met Sirius."

"So you don't really think about her a lot?"

"I try not to."

"Well good. I think you should go to lunch and tell your fiancé that you love her. It might make her feel better."

"That's all the advice you can give to me?" Harry asked.

"Well you seem to have it pretty much under control. Unless you want me to prescribe you some meds for trying to sink yourself into depression there's not much I can do for you."

"I'd rather not. I'm just going to lie here for a little while before I head down. Do you know if Dumbledore wants me to do anything today?"

"He's not here so I'm guessing that means you're going to class right?" James asked.

Harry nodded. "Who's teaching your classes if you're here?" Harry asked.

"Remus. Did you think I would leave it to Sirius? He hardly paid attention in class; I doubt he could teach one."

Harry smiled. "Well you should probably get back anyway right?"

"Are you going to leave the bathroom sometime today?" Josh asked.

"In a little while," Harry said.

"Alright. But soon, because you still need to eat you know," James said, standing up from the floor. He messed Harry's hair and headed out of the bathroom with Josh following behind him.

When they left the room Harry stood and closed the door before removing his shoes and socks and returning to the tub. It seemed to have gotten colder, the water, while he had been sitting with his hand in it. It was normal for water to warm when it sat for a certain amount of time but the longer Harry sat with his hand in the water the colder it got, maybe because he wished it. It seemed to have formed a thin layer of ice over the water.

It looked oddly tempting; though he knew the water was now below zero and would be like lying in snow with no clothes on. He stepped in, cracking the ice, and quickly took on the satisfying coldness and climbed the rest of the way into the tub and sat down in the icy water. He slowly leaned back until the ice cracked under his head and he slowly closed his eyes as he slipped under the water.

\-\

Harry stared at the letter in his hands written by one of Ashley's doctors. It was written to Cameron because he knew they wouldn't have sent it if they knew it was him who wanted to know about her. It said she was doing better but it was best if the boy they called St. Jimmy never visited again as she may have a relapse and try to kill herself. It was depressing to think that he had not only, not saved her, but he also made her want to kill herself. He felt like walking back in front of those cars again.

With the letter was an enclosed photo of Ashley with two young girls standing next to her. She looked happy with them. The wall behind them was covered with photos. On closer inspection he saw that many of them had his face and some of them were pasted next to photos of Ashley. There was a man next to the wall removing some of the photos.

"Harry," Cameron said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Don't dwell on it. She was sick and now she's getting the help she needs. It's not your fault. You couldn't save her and there's nothing wrong with that."

Harry just nodded, continuing to stare at the brown hair, brown eyed girl in the photo.