A/T: Once again thank you for your reviews. Please, please don't hate me. Remember...no matter how big the storm there is always a rainbow following.
Sarah, although I feel bad for making you cry I am also a bit happy that the story affected you in that level.
Special thanks to blue dogs rock, BlueTigress, K0nflicti0n, Generalass, densilou,all the reader and guests for being faithful followers and reviewers.
Enjoy!
He drives like a manic through the empty streets of LA unleashing his frustration and anger on the car. He feels betrayed, hurt and disappointed. Feelings that he never thought Kensi could trigger to him. He still can't understand why she made that choice and destroyed everything they have built together. The stress if the two undercover ops combined with tonight's shocking revelation drives him to the edge and his head feels like exploding. In just 8 minutes he parks his car right outside ops. He can hear the music coming from the party being thrown inside and for a brief moment he hesitates. He sits in the car trying to gather his thoughts until he is ready so he turns off the engine. This has to end now. He has to end it now that he is cold blooded otherwise he might get cold feet and run away from all.
He walks in and immediately heads towards the liquer counter staged right where the coffee maker used to be. Every agent is there tonight celebrating the New Year, but he is not one of them. Before he realizes it, he is already pouring the fourth shot of vodka when he hears Callen's voice.
"Deeks?"
He drinks the shot and turns around to face Callen and Sam. "Happy New Year," he ironically responds.
"Are you back?" Callen asks.
"Not really! Is...Hetty here?" he scouts the room with his eyes looking for her.
"She is around...somewhere. Deeks have you been to Kensi's house?" Sam reluctantly asks.
Deeks squints his eyes and looks at them clearly reading between the lines. "You guys know about the baby, don't you?"
"Deeks we are sorry," Sam softly says. He put his hand on Deek's shoulder but he steps back in defense.
"How could you let her do this?" absolute disappointment is evident in his voice.
Callen and Sam look at each other baffled clearly not following his train of thought.
"For the love God Sam, you've got kids. Of all the people in here I thought at least YOU would understand. I expected you to have my back just this once. But I guess the gracing period is over huh? I bet you even encouraged her right? You always believed that I am not good enough for her, but maybe I am the best she can get. Did you ever consider that possibility?" he can barely control his anger anymore and his voice grows steadily higher and higher.
"Deeks, I don't know what has gotten into you, but I suggest you calm down before you say something you might regret later," Callen tries to compose him but his words barely hit their target and Deeks continues his rumbling.
"You two should be ashamed. Interfering and judging my work is one think, but messing up my personal life is out of line. You can keep her now," he raises his hands is defeat. "She's all yours. You wanted a clod blooded killer, you got her. You deserve each other.
The tone of his voice is now high enough to overshadow the music playing in the backround drawing everyone's attention.
"Deeks..." Sam tries to warn him as he takes one step forward.
"I have a name you know! It's Marty. Would it kill you to call me by my name just once? I know I was never a true part of this team, I know you never really wanted me but do you have to be so transparent about it? I have been loyal, I have saved your lives...I deserve better than this! Thank you for making my decision much easier."
Suddenly, Hetty's loud voice wakes him up from his delirium.
"Mr Deeks, my office NOW!" she sounds firm and strict unlike any other time.
Deeks takes a deep breath, takes one last disappointed look at Callen and Sam and walks away shaking his head. Before going to Hetty's office he opens the drawer from his desk and takes out an envelope.
Hetty sits alone in her office drinking a glass of scotch.
"Sit down Mr Deeks," she says as she puts down her glass and crosses her fingers.
"I am not here to stay. I only came to give you this," he tosses the envelop on her desk.
Hetty takes a glimpse but refuses to reach out and open it. "Is this what I think it is?"
"Yes!"
"I see. Sit down Mr Deeks," she gestures him.
"I have to go back," he turns around to leave,
"I said SIT!" Hetty raises the voice of her voice causing Deeks to widen his eyes in shock and a hint of fear. He is not used to Hetty yelling at him so he obeys with no more protest and sits on the chair opposite to her.
Hetty looks at him straight in the eyes for a few seconds as if she is trying to evaluate the state of his mind. "I fear you have made a terrible mistake Mr Deeks. So, allow me to ask the questions and you can answer with a yes or no."
"Hetty I am not in the mood for games," he runs his fingers through his hair.
She doesn't need to say anything. Her piercing look has made it crystal clear that she is not fooling around and Deeks just nods.
"You got a free pass for the night, right?"
"Yes."
"And you went by Kensi's apartment?"
"Yes."
"I assume you found out that she was pregnant."
"You've used the right tense. WAS!"
Hetty glares at him forcing him to reconsider his answer and responding again with a simple yes.
"And if I am not mistaken, you think she had an abortion."
Think? No, he is sure about it! But then again that single little word suddenly makes him wake up from his trance and question his own thoughts.
"Yes," he reluctantly responds.
"Well, Kensi was indeed pregnant until two days ago. She was about 10 weeks old. Do you remember Mr Deeks where you were ten weeks ago?"
"Of course. It was right after I got back from the Weatherly cartel case."
"Very well! And do you remember under what state you got back from that operation?"
Deeks eyes widen in shock. He can feel his blood freeze but his heart beat accelerate.
Does she know? This is Hetty we are talking about. Of course she knows. But, who else knows? Is he in trouble? Is he going to be suspended? Are they going to take him of the Batista case?
Hetty can see the terror in his eyes and takes him out of his misery."By now you should know that I always know! But don't worry. No one else is aware of the situation. This is not the proper time to discuss it though. We will get to it once this is all over."
Deeks can't speak a single word. All he can do is nod.
"So, let me get to the point. Do you have any idea what kind of repercussion such drug abuse could have on a baby?"
He remains silent for a moment trying hard to process to impact of her words. Then the realization hits him."The baby was sick, wasn't it? That's why she had to have an abortion. She had no choice"
"Once again Mr Deeks you are jumping into the wrong conclusion," she sighs.
"Even though her doctor promised to respect her privacy and never speak to anyone, he was too worried about her. I've known him for years, and he is obliged to give me a detailed report when it comes to the health of my agents. This pregnancy could endanger her life. So he called me and begged me to change her mind. But I knew that Kensi had already made her choice. She chose to fight and she fought brave enough for the three of you. Unfortunately though, fate had other plans."
Deeks leans forward, buries his face in his hands and whispers. "It was a miscarriage. God! What have I done?"
"I hope nothing that can't be undone."
He raises his head and looks at Hetty ashamed and broken. His eyes are red as he is desperately trying to fight back his tears.
"I need some air," he storms out of the office and runs towards the exit pushing away everyone that stands in his way!
Callen and Sam obviously notice his distress and follow him outside.
He gasps for air as his legs can no longer hold him and he kneels on the ground.
As much as Callen and Sam want to yell at him right now, they understand it is clearly not the proper moment.
"How bad is it?" Sam finally asks.
"Beyond repair," Deeks says in a rugged voice.
"Hell man, what did you do this time?
Deeks sits in silence. He is too ashamed to respond or even look at them. How could he act like this? How could he not trust Kensi. She has never given him a reason to doubt her. How could he treat her like that? She went through this terrible experience on her own and instead of offering his support to her, he walked away. He abandoned her for one more time. He doesn't even want to imagine how she must be feeling right now.
His silence is all that Callen and Sam need to understand the severity of the situation. "You thought she had an abortion, didn't you?" Callen says.
"She didn't deny it. She said nothing to defend herself. Why didn't she say anything?" Deeks tries to understand.
"Did you ask her? Did you give her a chance to say...anything?"
Deeks tries hard to recall what had happened but all he remembers is himself yelling. He never gave her a chance to even attempt to speak. All of a sudden he lets out a strong cry. A cry of anger and despair and he starts hitting the ground with his palms.
Callen and Sam stare at him startled until Sam holds him tight in his grip before he can hurt himself.
"Deeks stop it. Pull yourself together man!"
It takes him a few seconds to have his composure back and kindly asks Sam to let him go.
"I'm ok now. You can let me go," he stands up giving Sam an awkward smile.
"I have to fix this. I can't go back knowing what I did to Kensi. She has to know I am sorry."
"Are you sure you are capable of driving?"
"Don't worry. I'm good. Besides, driving relaxes me and I need to clear my head."
"Just be careful ok? Don't end up in a ditch."
Deeks smiles. "If you do find me in a ditch, it is most likely Kensi will have thrown me there."
He takes out his keys from his pocket and walks towards his car but before he gets in Callen stops him.
"Hey! Wait a second," he runs towards him.
"Look, even if Kensi does take you back, I don't want you on my team anymore."
Deeks nods. "Understood."
"I don't want you on my team anymore, until you find out where your heart truly lies. You've been lost for far too long and it's time to find yourself."
Callen doesn't need to say anything else. Deeks knows he cares about him but the safety and security of his team always comes first. He made a vow to them that he would make Kensi happy and never hurt her again. He failed to keep that vow but he is lucky Callen and Sam were sivilized and didn't beat the crap out of him. Not that he would blame them. He deserves to be punished. Specifically, he deserves to be punished by Kensi.
He gets in the car and drives back to the house hoping she will let him in. Praying that she will forgive him for one more time and forget the pain he has caused her. Both physically and mentally!