Alternate Gamma, who had apparently not fathered Alternate Yuni but was still responsible for her safety, couldn't understand why Naruto was so pissed at him until he—so done with everyone's fucking bullshit denial—whipped out the wedding photos.

(And the bachelor party photos. Nothing said 'crazy-ass alternate reality' like seeing yourself taking body shots off of a sexy dominatrix with the Lightning Arcobaleno meticulously building a pyramid of glow-in-the-dark jello shots in the background. Even years later, Alternate Gamma still flinched when someone breathed the words 'jello shots' within hearing distance. Naruto didn't think he could do anything worse to that poor fuck, honest.)

A shell-shocked Alternate Gamma had to be carted off to the sick bay after that, but at least his not-daughter was there to keep him company.

"—so here we are!" Naruto grinned at his enraptured audience as he finished his narration of the events that had landed them in Scaredy-Cat's dimension after they'd all retreated to their super-duper underground base—with some notable absences, i.e. the Kyō duo, Mukuro and Mini-Anko, and Squalo, who were still out there doing only gods knew what. "That's basically the gist of it, yeah. Any questions?"

"Plenty." Chibi-Espresso-Maniac was quick to capitalize on the general confusion, while the majority was floundering and struggling to digest the hows and whys of it all, and direct the flow of the conversation to wherever he willed. Never let it be said he couldn't process information in less time than it took for most people to blink. "For starters, why do you call yourself Naruto?"

Unfortunately for the fedora-baby, Naruto wasn't among that category. "'Cause I feel like a Naruto," he drawled out, grin insufferably smug, following in Kakashi-sensei's steps and trolling the hell out of him. Espresso-Maniac, who knew damn well how Naruto's mind worked by now, lowered his fedora over his eyes, hiding his gaze, but not his smirk, and huh, was that an iota of schadenfreude in the low simmer of his fire-chakra? Guess seeing his alternate self also getting owned by Naruto made him feel better about all the times he'd lost their verbal sparring. "Any more questions? Like, intelligent ones?"

Chibi-Espresso-Maniac went rigid, seething quietly, tiny hands balling into fists and nearly ripping fistfuls out of Scaredy-Cat's hair, which had the poor boy wincing and finally snapping out of his blue-screen-of-death stupor.

"Um, sorry, Na-Naruto-san? Can I, er, ask a question?"

At the resurfacing of the kid's nervous stutter, Naruto's grin softened into a lopsided, encouraging smile. "Sure, go ahead, kid."

Blinking, Scaredy-Cat just stared at him for a long moment, still half-wearing that error-error-does-not-compute look and mouthing something that might have been aren't we the same age, then marshaled his thoughts and shyly stammered out, "Y-you, uh, you said you're n-not…not Vongola?"

"Nope," Naruto inclined his head, emphasizing the word with glee, as he reveled in the glorious memories of beating his refusal into No-Chill's noggin. Heh. Good times.

Apparently, that wasn't good enough for Scaredy-Cat. "How?" he blurted out, bewildered and desperate for answers, shock working to his benefit (again) and ridding him of his stutter. "I mean, dad's still Vongola in your world, right? So…so how did you…"

He trailed off, seeming unable to even fathom the possibility of an alternate version of himself giving Vongola the middle finger and having it stick, much less articulate it, and Naruto took pity on him, completing Scaredy-Cat's sentence. "How did I end up not inheriting Vongola's screw ups?" When the poor boy nodded in mute shock, Naruto shrugged. "It's simple, kid. I just said no."

Again, that wasn't enough to satisfy Scaredy-Cat. It appeared that, in his epic quest for a miraculous solution to his Vongola crucible, he'd failed to realize the simple beauty of no. A common mistake, to be sure, one the kid couldn't be faulted for, especially when being tutored—and Naruto used that term very loosely—by Chibi-Espresso-Maniac, whose dictionary didn't recognize no as a real word that applied to anyone other than his exalted ass. Case in point, the nin-chameleon-mallet that thwacked Scaredy-Cat on the back of his skull when the kid made to voice his painful truth.

"But…but I've been saying no for—hiiee!"

Fed up, Naruto pierced Chibi-Espresso-Maniac with a glare, all reproach and fox-slit eyes and do ya mind, I'm trying to have a conversation here, asshole.

I could silence him for you, Kurama offered, a bizarre mix of offhand and eager, still sorta bummed out that he missed the party.

Naruto eyed the sulking fuzzball wryly. Permanently, I'm guessing?

Silence is golden, the fox sniffed, snout turned up, not averse to resorting to human sayings when it suited his needs, the giant hypocrite. Close enough to yellow, I should think. He likes that obnoxious color.

Somehow, I doubt he'd see it that way, but thanks. I'll keep it in mind.

Left unsaid was that Naruto'd be using this point in his next Orange-vs-Yellow debate with Espresso-Maniac. Waste not, want not and all that.

Chibi-Espresso-Maniac, either sensing the imminent threat to his life or (more likely) having reached his quota of insults, leaped off Scaredy-Cat's head and descended on Fon with a barrage of rapid-fire questions and bullets. Bad move, Chibi. Good luck getting answers out of that petty bastard.

"Look, Tsuna-chan. It's like this." There was such fervent hope in his doe-eyes, in the brilliant, fiery amber of his iris, that Naruto almost felt bad for what he was about to say. Denial hadn't helped this kid, though, and it wouldn't do to leave any room for misinterpretation after they'd come this far. Mincing his words had never been Naruto's forte, anyway, but he could somewhat gentle his tone, even as he laid it on the poor kid with all the delicacy of Gyūki in a china shop. "If ya wanna get any sort of respect in our world, then you gotta back your words with actions. What have you done 'sides screaming your lungs out, huh? 'Cause, while that might work in civilized society, it sure as hell ain't gonna work for the mafia. And in case you haven't noticed, we might not be Vongola, but we're still mafia."

Scaredy-Cat blinked once, fire slowly, agonizingly dying in his gaze, stupefied and devastated and at a loss for words, then blinked again. "I—I don't… I just don't understand you. If…if you're strong enough to say no, then why…" Embers still burned deep in his soul when he mustered his resolve and looked Naruto straight in the eye. "Why would you want to be mafia when you could have been anything else?" Suddenly, irrationally angry and betrayed and just not understanding.

And, okay, yeah, Naruto did suck at letting people down gently, but he didn't suck that bad. Puberty was to blame for this…this ugh-I'm-so-misunderstood-what-is-life paroxysm, yep, had to be. "Why not?" he all but sighed. Scaredy-Cat opened and closed his mouth, but before he could open it again and spew out more teenage angst, Naruto cut him off with another sigh. "Listen, kid. Like it or not, we were born in the mafia, and that's not something you can run away from. More than that, though…eh, how should I put this?" Brows knitted in thought, Naruto paused and examined his options, one hand rubbing at the back of his neck. Words wouldn't do much good at this point and a picture was worth a thousand words, so. "Tell ya what," he jerked his head in the direction of his family, "go on, take a long, good look at us, and tell me…what d'you see?"

With a huff, Scaredy-Cat turned his head away to follow Naruto's instruction, no matter how mutinous, how stubbornly petulant he was in doing so.

Hayato was embroiled in another petty marital spat with Haru, closely mirrored by their alternate selves. Spanner had picked up that ridiculous argument and was having it out with Shōichi and Alternate Shōichi, the latter more than the former, with Alternate Spanner's lollipop-filled endorsement. Tetsuya and Chikusa had cornered Alternate Kyōya and were grilling him about his average body count and collateral damage and hospital bills per month. (The answer to everything was, quite eloquently, hn.)

Hana was avidly listening to Alternate Kyōko's ninety-percent-civilian life story with this half-wistful, half-confounded look on her face and muttering how under her breath. Ryōhei was engaged in an extreme-and-extremely-loud boxing match with his counterpart, while off to the side, Ken was howling about how unfair it was that his counterpart was missing and hounding Alternate Mini-Anko to reveal his whereabouts. Takeshi and Alternate Takeshi were immersed in a disturbingly deep, philosophical discussion about their respective life choices under the pretext of a Kendo-vs-Baseball debate, all the while laughing like utter nutters.

Fon was calmly sipping at his Oolong tea and smiling at Chibi-Espresso-Maniac and his dogged pursuit of intel in regards to the Arcobaleno curse. Espresso-Maniac was casually sipping at his coffee and terrorizing the fuck out of Alternate Prince Charming with decidedly more success in his endeavor than his counterpart.

And as he kept watching, Scaredy-Cat's expression gradually began to shift in something akin to understanding. Lower lip caught between his teeth, wide-eyed and bludgeoned with enlightenment and eye-opener shit, he turned back to meet Naruto's waiting gaze.

"Family," he breathed out, a little awestruck, a little humbled. "They're…they're your family."

"Yep," Naruto beamed, "now you're getting it." Reaching out a hand, he ruffled that mess of fluffy spikes, pleased when Scaredy-Cat blushed to the roots of his hair, but didn't flinch away. Hell, he even managed a slow, shaky smile in return. Attaboy! "It's the same for you, yeah?"

"Yeah." He bobbed his chin, smiling, then faltering when he had to dodge one of Chibi-Espresso-Maniac's stray bullets. "I think," he tagged on, kinda low-key despondent, with a tremble of uncertainty and it's too late to take it back now, isn't, and Naruto laughed, giving him a proud good-job-brat head pat.

"Thing is, Tsuna-chan, you're still growing up, still learning how the world works and what's your place in it, y'know? There will come a day when you'll be strong enough to say no and have people listen. And when that happens, your family will be right there beside you, having your back and stickin' with ya through thick and thin, and that ain't something everybody can have in this life. You just gotta hold on 'til then. Things will get better, I promise, 'kay?"

Face flushed, hair mussed up and falling into his eyes, Scaredy-Cat peeked up at Naruto and choked out, "O-okay."

"Okay." And that was that. His motivational speech done, Naruto let out a sigh as he cracked his neck, slipping into a more action-oriented mindset. "Well, now that all the emotional shit's over, we gotta set up a training plan. For the sake of simplicity, let's stick with our alternate selves, yeah? Which means—Tsuna-chan, you're with me." Scaredy-Cat's startled squeak might have been a sign of protest, but it was devoured by the bedlam that broke out after the rising of Naruto's voice and fire-chakra. "So are your Kyō-chan and Kyōko-chan, oh, and Anko-chan, since ours seem to be...still out on a recon." And yeah, Naruto tried not to think about that… Much. Eh, whatever. If this world could take Evil-Twin's bullshit, it could also take his brats'. Probably. But just to be on the safe side… "Oi, Take-chan, Kusa-chan, keep an eye out for your teammates, yeah?"

In a complete turnabout, Takeshi's cheerful, "Sure thing, sensei!" and Chikusa's cheerless, "Hai, Naruto-sensei," got swallowed by Scaredy-Cat's panicked screech of, "Kyōko-chan? Wha-what do you mean Kyōko-chan? You…you can't train them!"

A frown lined Naruto's forehead. Don't be doing what I think you're doin', kid. Folding his arms across his chest, Naruto stared Scaredy-Cat down. "Why the hell not?"

"You just…just can't!" was Scaredy-Cat's bullshit justification, backed by Alternate Ryōhei booming in solidarity, "You extremely can't!"

Naruto's frown deepened. Are you for real, brats? Scaredy-Cat's and Alternate Ryōhei's defensive posture said they very much were. Naruto unfolded his arms to wrap them around their shoulders, squeezing tight and keeping them in place by force. "How about we ask what they want, hm?" It wasn't really a question.

At that, Alternate Kyōko perked up. She'd been watching them in silence, all fluttering lashes and concealed disappointment.

"Eh? I'm not so sure how we can help." Tapping a finger against her chin, she slanted her head cutely and sought out Alternate Haru's opinion. "Ne, Haru-chan, do you think we should?"

Alternate Haru chewed on her lip, obviously torn between caving under Scaredy-Cat's frantic pleas and claiming her independence, but the incentive of learning how to kick ass and take names won out in the end. "Hahi! Haru wants to help, but…Haru doesn't know how to fight."

Pretty much how Naruto had expected it would go, yeah. "Alright, change of plans. Hana-chan, Haru-chan, can you—"

Hana didn't even let him finish his sentence, taking Scaredy-Cat's no-girls-allowed policy as a personal offense against her gender, despite the fact that Alternate Mini-Anko disproved that theory. "I'll teach them how to defend themselves." Her indignation was at its zenith as she huffed and jutted her chin out, hurling all of her disgust at Scaredy-Cat, who cowered and hie'd in fright. "Why they haven't learned by now is beyond me."

"Hahi! Leave it to Haru, Naruto-sensei!" Haru was all smiles and purple glitter and magical girl poses. "Haru has extra cute kunoichi outfits they can borrow!"

Naruto laughed. "Awesome. Keep it up, girls."

He had a real good feeling about this. Scaredy-Cat and Alternate Ryōhei, on the other hand…not so much. Naruto gave them a consolation noogie.

Now, where the hell was Squalo?

Naruto stared down at the panting, bleeding, smoking, bruised mass of flesh that was Alternate Kyōya after two hours of (beating the snot outta him) rigorous training. Scaredy-Cat was worse off, but at least he had the presence of mind to stay down and take a breather on the sly.

"Not bad, brat. You've got a good grasp on your chakra for someone who started training in it so late, and you've also got decent speed and power behind your hits. Nice!"

Alternate Kyōya was too much of an Uchiha brat not to dignify Naruto's totally objective assessment with, "Hn."

End him. Kurama snarled. End him now before he can spread his detestable Uchiha seed—

Naruto carried on as if he'd heard nothing. Nope, there was no Uchiha Grunt™ and no Die Uchiha Spawn Rage™ and definitely no mention of Uchiha baby batter, ugh, gods-shit-fuck, why me, just kill me now—

"Now, for your issues. Despite what you might wanna believe, you're not a one-man army, not yet, at least—trust me, I'd know. You need to learn how to work with others, brat." Alternate Kyōya expended what little energy remained in his body to roll onto his back, if only to glare up at Naruto through one heavily swollen storm-gray eye and grunt again. It was kinda sad how well-versed in Uchiha-speak Naruto was that he could correctly interpret it as togetherness is for the weak. "Oi, don't give me that look. It's not a sign of weakness, ya know. We call it strategy, and you'd be surprised at what you can accomplish by fighting smarter, not harder. I had to learn that lesson, too."

Dead silence greeted him. Hell, Alternate Kyōya didn't even grunt, which said a lot about what he thought of Naruto's heartfelt your-team-is-your-family lesson.

"Don't believe me, huh? Alright, how's this then? You come at me with everything you've got, and if it's still not enough, then you do it my way. Which basically means, you work with Tsuna-chan and try to take me down, 'kay?"

Whereas Alternate Kyōya was thrilled to begin round six, staggering to his feet with a bloody grin, Scaredy-Cat had many, many objections.

"Wha-aat? I—I didn't agree to this! No, waitwaitwait, I'm not ready!"

Amused, Naruto shot him a glance full of mock-pity and you can do this, brat. "Tsuna-chan…you actually do have to fight harder. Don't think I missed all those times you played possum, brat. There'll be none of that now."

(Round six ended the same as all previous rounds, of course. Uchiha brat didn't take that well. Neither did Scaredy-Cat. But, hey, it was the first time they agreed on something. Yay for progress and teamwork and sadistic training regimens. Kakashi-sensei would have been so fucking proud.)

"Hi-Hibari-san, that's, um…that's not Naruto-san you're aiming for—thatsmyfacehiiieee!"

"I see no difference, herbivore."

"He's…not entirely wrong, Tsuna-chan. But, for the sake of this training exercise, try and aim for the guy who's actually kicking your ass, 'kay, Kyō-chan? There ya go, now you've got the right person, see?"

"Hiiieee! Hibari-san, watch out! You're heading straight for my X-Bur—oh my god I'm so sorry! Pleasedontkillme—!"

"... Omnivore."

"Well…that could've gone better, but good job, brats! You just gotta…coordinate better. Don't worry, you'll get the timing right next time. Now, c'mon, let's go again!"

"Wow, we, um—we actually did it. Did you…did you see that, Hibari-san? We got Naruto-san's jacket!"

"Wao."

"That's what I'm talking about, brats! Nice work with that combo! Now all you gotta do is land a solid hit. Shouldn't be too hard—oi, hold up, the cup ramen I was gonna have for lunch was in that pocket…my precious ramen…"

"We're going to die, aren't we? It was nice knowing you, Hibari-san."

"Hn."

"That's the spirit! Nah, no worries, ya ain't gonna die just yet. You owe me ramen, brats."

Naruto had been well aware of their silent observer, but since she hadn't attempted to interfere in his training session, he'd opted for letting her watch until the brats had succumbed to exhaustion and he'd been forced to carry them to the sick bay.

"You've had experience in training soldiers," she remarked as soon as Naruto exited the room, falling into step with him and striking up a conversation as they made their way to the kitchen for a late lunch.

Giving her a subtle once-over out of the corner of his eye, cataloging her strict military poise and the pacifier around her neck, Naruto huffed a laugh. "Yeah, you could say that. Sorry, I didn't catch your name before."

"Lal Mirch. I'm with CEDEF."

Yep, that clinched it. "Oh, right. I remember now. You're my useless old man's babysitter."

A peculiar grimace flickered across her face at Naruto's description of her primary job. Exasperated, pissed, and perhaps the slightest bit rueful. "Yeah, you could say that. Have we met in your world?"

"Nope. I've heard about you, though." Waggling his brows, grinning from ear-to-ear, Naruto nudged her shoulder with his. "You're Colonnello's girl, right? He talks 'bout you a lot, and I do mean a fucking lot."

Lal Mirch flushed so hard, that she put Scaredy-Cat to shame. Also shoved him face-first into the kitchen door. "That—that stupid fool! How—how is he?"

Heh. Tsundere. Always fun to tease. Naruto scrubbed a hand down his face to make sure nothing was broken as he opened the door, but eh, no regrets. "I haven't visited him since before the curse got broken. Last I heard, he was still living it up in Mafia Land. Ya know, same old, same old."

Lal Mirch nodded, still flustered and in bitch-slap mode, but whatever she meant to say got forestalled by the sole other occupant of the room.

"Yes, about that." Chibi-Espresso-Maniac's voice dripped with a maddened sort of curiosity as he dragged out the words. "How, exactly, was our curse lifted? My counterpart claims to be unaware of the specifics, only mentioning Checker Face's involvement, and Fon has been aggravatingly tight-lipped on this matter."

If Chibi-Espresso-Maniac believed he was being all scary and shit, then someone had clearly lied to him. What Naruto heard was an adorable baby lisp and…well, no, that was just it. Go retake Intimidation 101 and come back, dude. Plopping his ass down next to Lal Mirch, Naruto snorted. "'Course he has. Did you expect anything else from the grudge-meister?"

"That still doesn't answer my question." Pitch-black eyes narrowed, and 'lo, baby lizard Yoda, still fighting the good fight, I see. "You're digressing on purpose."

Leaning back on his chair, Naruto's gaze darted from Chibi-Espresso-Maniac's face to the nin-chameleon-gun and back again, all sarcasm and casual dismissal and Kakashi-sensei-worthy dickishness. "No, really? I hadn't noticed, but thanks for pointing it out."

A suppressed snicker came from Lal Mirch's side, and Naruto winked at her. Right on cue, she flushed a brilliant crimson, complete with bitch-slapping and still no regrets. Chibi-Espresso-Maniac looked askance for a split second, as if he just couldn't deal with a face so similar to his student's not hie-ing every five minutes and dearly wished for things to go back to normal. Scaredy-Cat, that poor ball of fluff, had spoiled him rotten.

Stiltedly, he gripped the brim of his fedora to anchor himself and ground out, "How. Did. It. Happen?"

"Ya know, Chibi-Reborn," a chuckle, mirth humming low in his throat, and something cold, calculating, "that's not the way to go 'bout asking someone for a huge favor."

Chibi-Espresso-Maniac's face closed off as he finally realized he'd been led into a trap. With only the barest hesitation, the bait too juicy to be ignored, he sprang it. "What do you want?"

(Good thing that Chibi-Espresso-Maniac was like a dog with a bone and couldn't wait to pounce on Naruto until after he got to know him better. Because, if he had waited, then he'd have known what a fucking bleeding heart Naruto was and called his oh-so-clever bluff.)

"Hmm, lemme think..." Naruto paused, rubbed his chin in an overly exaggerated sshh-I'm-thinking-deep-thoughts manner, then fixed that little asshole with a long, level look. "How about you not sabotaging Tsuna-chan's growth by being the World's Greatest Asshole? Kid's already got a horde of childhood traumas without you fucking with his self-esteem for shits and giggles."

Silence, glorious, beautiful silence. Lal Mirch was the first to react—she stood to fill up a plate and gave Naruto a nod of respect as she breezed past him. Chibi-Espresso-Maniac stared at him as the seconds passed by, speechless. Slowly, reluctantly, he canted his head in a nod. "That…can be arranged."

It didn't sound like he knew what, precisely, that entailed, or if he could even pull it off, but it was a start. Espresso-Maniac loathed failure more than anything in the world, the perfectionist bastard, and Naruto had no reason to suspect his counterpart would be any different. It was guaranteed that he would, at the very least, try. And, well…that was all anyone could ask of him, really, so.

"Awesome. I knew you'd see things my way. In that case—wait a sec, hold that thought."

Naruto tapped his earpiece, accepting the call, and thank the sage, Squalo's voice bellowed through the line. He had worried for a second there that it'd be his brats calling to bail them out of Vendicare or something—

"Voi! Ramen-Trash!"

"Where the fuck have you been, Sword-Psycho?"

"I followed my counterpart back to the Varia HQ, but that's not important right now. Your fucking crazy Mist brats showed up here and kidnapped Fran 'bout three hours ago! My counterpart's furious and Bel's out searching for your brats—"

—he spoke too soon, didn't he? Gods-fucking-dammit, can't I have one day of peace and quiet? One. Fucking. Day. "Whoa, back up, what? They kidnapped who now?"

"Some Mist brat who's supposed to be Mammon's replacement or something. My point is, nobody can actually find 'em, so you better get your ass here and sort this fucking mess out!"

"Fine, just…just let me grab Tsuna-chan and his Kyō-chan first. See ya soon."