Author's Note: Thanks for reading and all replies would be very much appreciated.

Chapter 37

In the relative peace of his office, An-Paj was hunched over a data pad, fingers tapping nervously on the smooth metal top of his desk. It was a medical journal. He'd begun keeping it after he'd arrived at Urukier and found Meri all but out of her mind. He remembered that time clearly, but sometimes going back and reading the details he'd put down helped him connect things he wouldn't normally have seen otherwise.

The healer was hoping to find something that might give him some ideas of just how Alex would deal with what had happened to him. He hadn't had to deal with the breaking of the Union bond. Not like Meri.

Meri had been dragged to the edge of insanity. She'd even pleaded with him to help her die and it wasn't until much later that An-Paj had come to understand the reason for that request. It hadn't only been asked as an avenue for Meri to escape from the pain, which An-Paj knew was almost beyond what one could bear. Meri had also asked because she believed she was going to the dark side and she would have rather died than walk that road. It had taken a long time before An-Paj had been able to convince her that she wasn't going dark, but that the feelings she was experiencing were being caused by the broken Union bond.

So how did this apply to Alex who had never experienced those emotions? Would he experience them now that his memory was restored, years down the line?

Long ago, Alex had described his memory loss as a great white, impenetrable wall of fog that blocked off his missing memory. An-Paj's theory was that this white wall of nothing had also, to some degree, blocked Alex off from experiencing the same thing Meri had. Only, this lead to another, more immediate question. Would he experience it now that he remembered?

An-Paj scrubbed his face with both hands and glanced at the wall chrono. It was late...or early as the case may be. He was tired and not in the best frame of mind to muddle through the complexities and mysteries of the Union bond.

The door to his office hissed open and Lina entered. "Did you get him settled?"

An-Paj smiled wryly at the young woman. "Not unless you call settled, installed in Meri's room."

Lina stared at the head healer for a moment as though he'd lost his mind and then echoed, "Installed in Meri's room..." Then seeming to realize what this meant she startled and half turned toward the door with a worried, "Meri!"

"Lina, stop. It's okay," he assured her wearily.

"An-Paj, are you out of your mind? Meri will completely lose it if she wakes up and finds him there!"

"She won't wake up." An-Paj slouched lower in his chair trying to relieve the ache that came from sitting too long in one spot. "And Alex insisted," he continued. "The only way to keep him from seeing her would have been sedation and there is no way I'm going to sedate the man when we just managed to get him out of a coma!"

Lina still looked worried. Next to An-Paj, she was the only one who truly knew what Meri had gone through. "Well...if you're sure..." she trailed off.

"I'm sure, this time. She's exhausted herself beyond her capacity to function. He needed time alone with her...to grieve, if nothing else."

Lina moved slowly to stand near An-Paj. "I can't believe he's remembered...and yet forgotten, all at the same time. Can things get any worse?"

An-Paj threw up a hand as though to stop her. "PLEASE, please, do not ask me that question."

Lina chuckled softly, and then sobered. "What of the Council?"

"What of them?" An-Paj mused, eyes narrowing speculatively.

"They're already suspicious. You know that! I suspect they're only waiting for Meri to heal sufficiently before she is called before them to explain her...mishap."

"Most likely," he admitted, unconcerned. " I'll let her deal with them. She's learned to do so very well."

"Because they're afraid of her," Lina said, her tone more than slightly contemptuous. "If those in the Order learned what they'd done to her..." she trailed off and composed herself. "They don't want it coming to light," she finished.

"No...no they don't. How would that make them look, after all?" An-Paj questioned rhetorically.

"Like cold hearted hutts," Lina answered anyway.

An-Paj's brow winged up at that, but he said nothing. Lina had her own reasons to dislike the Jedi Council besides their treatment of Meri and Alex. An-Paj had told the Council what would happen if they were to send Meri away, but the healer didn't think they'd truly understood the consequences. He had to believe that or his faith in the Jedi Order would be truly shaken.

They would yet have a chance to prove themselves, however, and that time was fast approaching. Alex now remembered everything and An-Paj wondered what the Jedi Master would do about the Jedi Council, who would surely have something to say about the matter once they found out.

An-Paj was just about to ask Lina if the Council had contacted them again about Alex when the door to his office whisked open once more.

Both Lina and An-Paj looked up, surprised when they saw who stood there. Alex stumbled into the doorway, holding onto the walls for support. He took another step forward and almost fell as Lina rushed forward to steady him. She slipped an arm around his waist and helped him to the nearest chair. "You shouldn't be up!" she chastised him softly.

An-Paj took one look at the determined expression in Alex Arieh's eyes and knew Lina's words had fallen on deaf ears. If there was one thing that could be said for Alex, it was that when he made up his mind to do something, none could sway him from it.

Nonetheless, An-Paj found himself agreeing with Lina. Alex couldn't have looked much worse if he tried. "She's right. You should be in bed and you need something to eat."

"I…I need to..speak with you," Alex began, his tones slightly slurred in his exhaustion. His skin was shockingly white compared to the inky black of his hair, which fell messily over his brow. His handsome face was tight with pain and fatigue.

An-Paj stood, pulling a pen light out his front pocket and glanced at Lina. "Bring some broth and bread," he instructed as he moved to stand in front of Alex. Fingering the light on, the healer tested Alex's pupils and was dissatisfied with the results. He didn't know how the Jedi Master was staying conscious, but hoped that he would for as long as it took to get some nourishment down him. Meanwhile, letting him talk wouldn't hurt him any.

"You better not pass out on me," he cautioned as he moved back to his seat. "What is so important it can't wait for you to rest?"

"Meri," Alex began, visibly forcing himself to focus. "I don't want her told."

"Told?" An-Paj queried, watching Alex closely. This was new. He'd expected Alex to go charging in full tilt where Meri was concerned, not hold back.

"Quit treating me like a child, An-Paj! You know what I mean."

The healer merely raised a brow in return at this show of temper and glanced at Alex's hands, which were busy twisting rolls in the material of his robe. It appeared that while Alex was of a more stable mind than he had been earlier, he was still highly agitated. Though, An-Paj couldn't blame him.

"My pardon if I was doing so. I'm assuming then, that you don't want Meri told of your memory returning? And now if you don't mind me asking, why?"

"I have my reasons. There is such a thing as healer/patient confidentiality."

An-Paj was taken aback by the words. It wasn't so much their content, as what Alex said was true, but the wary tone and the light of distrust in Alex's eyes that surprised him. After all that he had done for both Meri and Alex, at his own expense, the healer couldn't help feeling a bit insulted. He had to take a moment to calm down and remind himself that Alex wouldn't know about any of what he had done in their defense. And he couldn't tell him, as that would mean telling him things that Meri wouldn't want Alex knowing. He supposed if he were in Alex's position, he wouldn't trust anyone either.

"Alex, I know this is a difficult time for you, and I'm prepared to do all that I can to help you through it. You can trust me. Lina and I are perhaps the only ones who you can trust to speak to about this."

The words didn't have their intended effect. Instead of soothing him, the words only seemed to worry Alex more.

"Who all knows?"

It was perhaps the first time that An-Paj had ever seen Alex look so uncertain, and lost. It reminded him of a young Alex, back in his padawan days, though even then Alex had always had an abundance of confidence for one so young. But not now.

Now Alex sat before him pale, with shoulders hunched in as though to contain the pain and grief of the last few hours. His hands nervously plucked at the robe he wore and the expressions crossing his face ranged from embarrassment, to defiance, to distrust. Currently it was defiance that shone out of Alex's haunted eyes and this too, An-Paj understood.

"About you and Meri and the bond?"

Alex nodded once. His jaw clenched and a muscle ticked there, evidence of the control he was trying to exert on himself.

"Besides myself and Lina, only the Jedi Council. And Obi-Wan, but of course you can trust him."

"Can I?" Alex asked in a deceptively soft voice, but his blue eyes glittered.

That was interesting, An-Paj thought. So he didn't trust Obi-Wan? He wondered why. "He's, shall we say, helped hide some facts from the Jedi Council, such as your presence here in the Infirmary."

It was obvious that Alex didn't know whether or not to show disapproval of this statement. An-Paj saw the briefest flicker of emotion cross his face as he struggled with how to feel about such obvious disrespect for the Jedi Council.

At that moment Lina entered with a tray. Ignoring the tensions in the air, she placed the tray on the desk. "Timeout," she announced as she set the bowl of broth within Alex's reach.

"I'm not hungry," Alex replied distantly. Indeed he looked like he was getting ready to be rather sick. It didn't faze Lina in the least, however.

"Well then, it's a good thing you don't have a choice in the matter isn't it? And it's only broth and some bread. It will help give you strength so you can continue your discussion and not collapse at Master Paj's feet."

Alex raised a brow at the commanding tone in Lina Elani's voice, but found himself moving to comply nonetheless. His hand trembled as he raised the spoon to his mouth, but luckily none of the amber liquid spilled over.

There would have been an uncomfortable silence while Alex ate, but Lina seemed to sense this and chattered conversationally to Alex about his health and regaining his strength. She was careful not to mention any of the subjects that would upset him, such as his memory loss or Meri.

When he had eaten all he could, she whisked the empty bowl and plate back on the tray. "There, I imagine that will make you feel better now, but you need to get some rest as soon as possible." With that said, she headed for the door, but threw a look at An-Paj that warned him to be cautious.

With the warmth of the soup in his stomach, Alex felt slightly steadier. His hands had stopped their trembling and he felt the energy the amber liquid had given traveling slowly through his system. It also was making him very, very, sleepy.

But the spreading fatigue only sharpened his focus and determination to say what he had come to say, before his remaining energy ran out.

"We need to talk," An-Paj interrupted his thoughts by stating.

Alex couldn't argue with that. He had many questions, so many of them unrelated to one another. Questions not only about Meri, but also about his life, and about the Jedi Council; a subject that would be foolish for him to ignore for much longer.

And then there was the decision he had finally come to back in Meri's room, holding her in his arms. Once his grief had been spent, the reality of what he must do had slowly sunk in. He had to let her go…

"Meri won't have anything to do with you…the very sight of you pains her beyond measure…"

He drew in a ragged breath at the very thought. Force help him be strong enough, but he had to let her go. He had already cost her so much pain and grief. He wouldn't allow his selfish desires to be responsible for even more.

An-Paj's voice suddenly broke into his thoughts, bringing him back to the present. "I noticed you seemed…troubled by my comments of hiding things from the Council?"

"I don't understand why you would feel my presence in the Infirmary was something to hide from the Council," Alex returned.

An-Paj let out a long breath. "That's a long story, but needs to be told. Do you feel up to it?"

"I need to know." Alex felt as though he had been thrown into a battle without knowing who was on what side. For Meri's sake, he wanted to know where he stood. He didn't want to stumble into a situation that was going to cause her any more trouble with the Jedi Council.

"You remember I told you the Council sent Meri to Urukier after you broke the Union bond?"

Alex nodded, his expression wary. "Yes. To separate us you said?"

An-Paj sat forward in his chair and picked up a holocube, his fingers turning it end over end thoughtlessly, as he prepared himself for what he had to say. "Yes. You have to realize, Alex. You weren't told why you were in the Infirmary. You weren't told about the Union bond. I was forced," here he paused and made sure to make eye contact to convey how much it had displeased him to do so. "I was forced to inform you it was an unfortunate result of your mind wipe. The Council wanted you to know nothing about your former apprentice. The only reason you weren't expelled from the Jedi Order was because you couldn't remember. I can't stress that enough. They would have done so, but for that."

"Meri was sent to Urukier. She wasn't given a choice in the matter, Alex. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I'm not sure I do understand," Alex admitted. He only understood that Meri had suffered more pain because of him. So Meri had been sent offworld? As a punishment?

"No, obviously you don't. Alex, do you remember what I told you about Union bonds? About the results of breaking them? Their strength and the dire consequences of that type of bond being broken? Because of her past Meri was more...susceptible to the effects of the broken bond. With her being sent to Urukier, I wasn't allowed to help her," An-Paj said slowly, his eyes focused on Alex. "Do you understand?"

For a moment Alex was silent. And then it began to dawn on him, slowly at first and even then he didn't want to believe it. "They sent another healer in attendance?"

An-Paj's answer was grim. "No."

Alex stared at the cold metal desktop in front of him and tried to grasp what the healer was telling him, but his mind didn't want to believe it. "I…I don't understand," he faltered at last. "They didn't send her away alone? Didn't they know? Didn't you tell them?"

An-Paj's eyes flashed. "Of course I told them, Alex! That's what I'm trying to tell you! You cannot trust the Council, not in any measure! If it weren't for the secret intervention of Lina and I, Meri wouldn't be…" An-Paj stopped short at the expression on Alex's face, before continuing in a softer voice. "Without our help, she probably wouldn't have made it, Alex."

Wounded betrayal shone from the Jedi Master's eyes, only to be replaced moments later by flashing temper. "How could they…" he trailed off. He couldn't fathom the coldness in what the Council had knowingly done. He was Meri's Master...he had been the one responsible for her. He had been the one to make the choice to allow their love, in fact to embrace it. And yet they held HER alone accountable for their relationship? It was wrong.

Alex felt his already fragile control of his emotions slip and white hot anger came through. For a moment he forgot he was a Jedi, forgot he'd been Meri's Master, and all that was left in place was the fact that the Jedi Council had almost killed his life mate…on purpose! His blue eyes darkened and his fist clenched….and then he remembered and all the anger built up inside of him deflated.

Wasn't he just as responsible as the Council? Hadn't he been the one to let his emotions, his needs and desires get the better of him and allow the forbidden? If he'd been a better Master, Meri never would have been hurt the way she had. This new knowledge only firmed his resolve that she not be told of his memory's return. He wouldn't let her be hurt again.

"You were of more worth, Alex," An-Paj interrupted his thoughts. "That's what it came down to, cold, hard facts. The galaxy hasn't been kind to the Jedi numbers. In the Council's eyes, you were a very talented, experienced Jedi Knight. Meri was…Meri was considered an unfortunate loss."

Alex felt as though he was going to be sick at hearing that, but swallowed hard and composed himself. He couldn't believe it….surely they couldn't have known the consequences…surely they couldn't have sentenced one of their own so callously to death?

It was just another blow to Meri that Alex felt could be chalked up to his actions. The bile in his throat at the thought almost made him gag. He'd caused so much damage…he was responsible for her brush with death. With all his heart, he would have taken her place if he could. He wanted to be angry at the Jedi Council….but he couldn't do so without holding himself first responsible. In that moment, Alex loathed himself.

An-Paj seemed wary of Alex's acceptance of the Council's actions, but Alex was too busy blaming himself to notice.

"When Meri recovered enough from the broken Union bond and began to reaffirm her dedication to the Jedi Order, the Council accepted her back into their ranks. Meri used Urukier as her base for a few years. When she came back to Coruscant it must have jolted your memory. You started remembering things, but only in small increments. You tried to speak with Meri about what you were remembering, but she wanted nothing to do with you."

"I know you don't like to hear that, but Meri's treatment of you is probably what helped save her. Even before Meri returned from Urukier, she was very vocal about her…dislike of you. The Jedi Council saw this and knew Meri would do anything to avoid you. They felt relatively safe in bringing her back."

Alex felt again as though his heart was physically being torn in shreds. It was almost too much to bear….too hard for him to believe.

"You, however, were insistent. You felt she was key to your memories." Here An-Paj smile faintly. "Apparently you were right, just not how you had imagined it, I expect. When you found out she had been assigned to accompany the younglings on their quarterly field trip, you arranged to go along. While there, Meri somehow ended up having an...accident. She fell into some rocks and returned to the temple in serious condition."

Alex frowned at An-Paj's wording, distracted for the moment from his self incriminating thoughts. He remembered the bruises on her face and arms. "How serious? The bruises looked bad."

An-Paj smiled. "She'll be fine. She has a hard head. Like someone else I know."

Alex's black brow winged up at this, but his attention had been focused elsewhere. "What kind of accident? Was I...responsible?"

An-Paj seemed to hesitate a moment and then he shrugged. "That I do not know. You mentioned you had spoken with her...said some things. I don't know any details. Meri wasn't forthcoming either. We may never know." Unspoken was the truth that they wouldn't know unless Alex could remember the ten years that had been whisked away with the darkness in his mind

"While she was unconscious you attempted to connect your mind with hers. It was the first mind contact the two of you have had since you broke the Union bond. I'm not sure how to explain what happened, only it felt like a sonic blast in the Force and you fell unconscious and ultimately into a coma. You were in a coma for a week. Nothing I tried would bring you out of it. Meri overhead Lina and I speaking about you and she pulled you out of it. I'm not sure how she accomplished it. She's been unconscious since and even if she weren't, I have my doubts that she'd speak about it."

"The Jedi Council, I don't doubt, has been watching all this very closely. Of course I couldn't tell them why you were really here in the Infirmary or you might both have been expelled on the spot, no questions asked. Meri will likely still be questioned about how she obtained her injuries, considering you were also on the trip. It was therefore in yours and Meri's best interest for me to tell them otherwise."

"Otherwise? Just what does otherwise entail?" Alex asked faintly. His head was hurting fiercely again and the room was beginning to feel as if it had no more breathable air.

"Obi-Wan fabricated a story about the two of you sparring and you, consequently, ending up with a concussion. Because of your coma, it worked."

An-Paj paused a minute and studied Alex's tortured expression. "You have to understand, Alex. The Council has no leniency where you and Meri are concerned. If your mind wipe hadn't occurred, the two of you very well may have been able to carry on a discrete relationship after her knighting. But now...now they have no tolerance where you are concerned."

Alex held back a groan and closed his eyes against the glaring lights. His head was paining him badly and he felt if he heard anymore, his head would shatter. He had to say what he'd come to say before his waning energy gave out on him.

He now had even more reason not to reveal to Meri that he remembered. The decision, at the first, had started out because he thought it would give him more time to study how Meri reacted to him and perhaps allow him to insinuate himself back into her life slowly, without scaring her. But then, the longer he thought about it and the more he realized just how much pain he had caused Meri, he couldn't excuse it. When he thought of all the pain he could cause Meri by revealing his returned memory and all the grief it would end up causing her down the road, he couldn't do it.

He still needed her, he still looked on her as his, but he wouldn't be so selfish again. He wouldn't repeat his past mistakes. He'd rather kill himself now, than to do that.

Slowly Alex opened his eyes and fixed his gaze on the healer before him. It took him a moment to boost his courage and strength to say what needed to be said.

"I understand. That is why, Master An-Paj, that I ask you to not reveal to Meri that I have...remembered. I don't want her to know. We shall pretend...that nothing ever happened. Tell her I woke from my coma and that is the end of it. I will not cause her any more grief. Not if I can help it."

An-Paj looked surprised. The reaction obviously wasn't one he'd been expecting. No, he wouldn't expect it. Alex wanted to laugh at himself. Perhaps before, he wouldn't have accepted it, he wouldn't have been willing to step back from her. He had been so arrogant, and caused her so much pain... She hated him now and he would give her the hard won peace she had gained. Even if it killed him.