Chapter 37

Sam looks at Dean's face. He has never seen Dean so expressive with his emotions. Dean's emotions are on his face for the whole world to see. For Sam to see. And Sam can see cleary what they all are saying. Sam is surprised by this display. Dean has never been the one to carry his emotions on his sleeves. He is doing it now, it means something. Everything between them has meant something from the moment they laid eyes on each other. Their friendship strengthening bit by bit despite the bumps. And the friendship developing into something more for Sam. The main reason Sam tried to run away from Dean because he fell in love with Dean. Fell in love with the person who is a hunter from which Sam has ran his whole life from. He found everything he wanted in the person who couldn't be more different than him. In every sense of the word possible. But when he looks at Dean's face,the most beautiful person in the world, all he can see are soft eyes and caring smiles. A genuine person. Sam doesn't see a hunter in Dean. Even the calluses in Dean's hand just show Sam how Dean likes to help people. The only thing that reminds him of Dean being a hunter is when he sees Dean hurt and bloody. That's when he sees all his fears coming true. All the reasons he avoided the life in the first place. It hurts him to see Dean like that. He doesn't know how much he can actually handle seeing Dean hurt.

He looks at Dean now, who is still waiting for Sam to say something, with expression full of love and gentleness that Sam's heart hurts just looking at him. Here, Dean is, putting himself on the line. Dean, who came for him when he had every right not to. Dean, who is looking at him like he would wait for Sam forever. And here Sam is, being a coward. Afraid of getting hurt. But not thinking how it would be hurting Dean who is innocent by all intents and purposes. Sam knew the risks. He knew from the first day. But when the time came to face them, he ran away like a friggin coward.

"You are thinking too much." Dean says with a small smile. Not like he is mocking Sam for over thinking. Instead, like he knows Sam needs it.

"That's the only thing I do. And also, probably run away from my fears." Sam replies in a self loathing tone. Even though Dean has forgiven him, it would be a long time before he forgives himself, if he ever does.

"You aren't the only one to do that. We all have our demons we are afraid of, Sam. You just need to face them." Dean says, looking at Sam's crestfallen face.

"Do you know how to face them?" Sam asks in a childish tone like he wants someone to make everything better.

"I am learning to face them straight in the eye." Dean says while looking Sam straight in the eye and something clenches and then unclenches in Sam at those words and those eyes focused on him, like Dean is not saying this in a general sense, but what they are facing now. Like he is admitting his fears that he is afraid too but he is going to face whatever comes in their way and Sam needs to do the same.

"Dean..I want to.." Sam hitches in a breath.

"I.." Dammit. Words suddenly doesn't want to come out of Sam's mouth. He wants to tell Dean how much he loves him. Wants to admit that it is scaring the shit out of him. Dean is just looking at him like he has all the time in the world, and doesn't want to go anywhere else. Sam remembers how Dean refused to go on a hunt, and Sam knows for a fact that Dean never defies his father. And Sam can clearly see now that he did it for him. And here Sam is, freaking out when Dean has gone against his rules, against his father to be with him. He does the only thing he had been thinking about and leans in, slowly, looking for Dean's reaction. Dean's eyes are on him, unwavering and Dean is the one who crosses the remaining distance between them. When Dean's lips touches his, Sam just goes still. Just the light pressure of Dean's lips on his like a chaste kiss. Then he feels Dean's hands touch his cheek and Sam's brain jump starts at the touch. His whole body shivers like its going to start convulsing and Sam moves his lips against Dean's. And Dean's lips start moving against him like they were waiting for his permission. Sam's whole body jolts at the sensation that drives through him. They just press their lips against each other, moving, like just getting the feel of it. There is no desperation or no urgency, because this thing between them, it is so much more. Not a primal need of physical closeness only, but wanting something more that goes beyond physical. Its not the only thing they want, its just the first step into whatever they have between them, are going to have between them. Sam feels the slow burn of the kiss, but doesn't deepens it, just savours the closeness, knowing that he is going to have it again.

They pull apart too soon, but Sam still feels like he ran a marathon race. Their faces are still too close, and Sam hadn't realised while doing it, but his both hands are around Dean's waist and Dean's one hand is on his cheeks while the other is on his neck. Sam looks Dean for any kind of freak out, for any type of sign that would indicate that Dean didn't like it or regrets it, but he finds none of them. Dean is looking at him with a small shy smile,which Sam never thought he would see on Dean,and a small flush on his cheeks, his face only conveys one thing that says its okay. And Sam feels the same like its okay, its going to be okay. He buries his head in the juncture of Dean's neck and shoulder, his hand tightening on Dean's waist and embraces him. Dean brings his hand around his shoulders while carding the other hand in Sam's hair. It feels intimate. It feels like everything. Sam just inhales the scent of Dean. Dean's finger stroking his hair, distracting him. They just stand there, Sam doesn't know for how long, in each others arm like there is nothing they would want more. Dean's back is on the Impala now and Sam feels Dean going suddenly still, his whole body tightening and his fingers stopping their explorations in his hair. Sam tenses at that as well. Dean slowly extracts himself from Sam and the first thing he sees is confusion and maybe a little regret in Dean's eyes and Sam's stomach drops. Maybe Dean has changed his mind. Maybe he has realised its not going to work between them. Sam is immersed in his internal freak out when Dean says in a voice like a child whose candy is taken away from him.

"What..what about Jessica?" Dean asks, hesitantly like he really doesn't want to know the answer, but he has to.

"Oh.." Sam says, breathing a sigh of relief. They should have covered it before. But its not like anything has gone according to some sort of plan, so no one can blame them for missing a little detail here and there. But again, its not a little detail. Sam is in a relationship, no, Sam WAS in a relationship with someone else, but Dean doesn't know that. Sam looks at Dean's face which is going pale by the second and decides to put him out of his misery.

"I broke up with her." Sam says simply and Dean's mouth hangs open.

"What..? When..?" Dean asks in a shocked tone.

"Its been a while now, after .." Sam stops for a moment, its not easy for him to remember the time where he cut off from Dean, but couldn't help himself from thinking about Dean all the time. It was the only thing he could do.

"After..your last visit.." Sam finally finishes.

"But..why?" Dean asks in the same tone like he can't really believe that something like that could happen. After all, Dean was the one who had said Sam to break up with Jess in the beginning because Dean thought that he wasn't happy. Why Dean is shocked, Sam has no idea. Maybe, for the fact that Sam took so long in doing it that Dean thought Sam would never do it.

"You really need to ask why? You know that." Sam replies in a gentle tone. He can see some of Dean's tension ebbing away.

"Yeah... You weren't happy..." Dean says.

"Yes, that. And my heart was with someone else.." Sam trails off, and ducks his head in a shy smile, waiting for Dean to laugh at him any second. Dean just cups Sam's cheeks and says in an affectionate tone.

"You are such a sap"

Sam's smile just gets bigger and he pulls Dean closer to him. Dean comes willingly.

"Dean..I wanted to ask.." Sam starts saying and then stops again. Damn him for not being able to put his feelings into words. Even though he has shown them pretty effectively but he just wanted to say something.

"I think you aren't going to put it in words anytime soon.." Dean says in an amused tone and Sam is once again taken aback by how Dean has understood him. Sam is sure Dean also knows what he wants to say. Not all of it. But Dean must have an idea.

"Thank You." Sam whispers and kisses Dean softly on the mouth. They look at each other for a few seconds and then suddenly Dean smiles, big.

"I have wanted to hold you for a long time now.." Dean says like he just remembered it now and Sam laughs.

"Now, who's the sap here?" Sam asks, chuckling.

"I have too.. You know.." Sam gestures in the little space between them. Dean laughs.

"I have never seen you so short of words, college boy." Dean says, still laughing.

"I haven't too. You make me crazy. Its totally your fault."

"Man, you have been crazy from the start, don't put that on me.."

And they just exchange banter like that for a few minutes like they have been doing since the beginning of their friendship. After sometime, they find themselves leaning against the hood of the impala again, Dean looking at the sky, and Sam looking at Dean, thinking that his whole world is pretty much right here.

Sam knows that there are a lot of hurdles in their way to come. This is just the beginning. There are a lot of things they need to talk about, to figure out. But Sam knows one thing for sure, whatever lies ahead of them, whatever comes bump in their way, his love for Dean is not going anywhere. Sam has learnt it the hard way. Sam knows for a fact that nothing is going to be smooth in the way, but he is willing to try now, knowing Dean is by his side. Even though Dean hasn't said anything either about what they are doing, what they are to each other. But Sam thinks its not that far away from his feelings. They would figure it out, but now, he just wants to soak the presence of Dean up in his bones.

DEAN

Dean looks at the sleeping figure on the passenger seat, head resting against the window. He can't believe that they really crossed that line, the thing which had been building between them like a physical thing. Dean had never thought in a million years that this could happen. But here he is now, with Sam, in all the sense of the word possible. He looks at Sam, his lashes resting against his cheeks, his hair trying to fall into his eyes, his lips a soft line. Sam is looking so peaceful. Dean can see dark circles under his eyes, indicating that he hadn't been sleeping enough or well. Dean can relate to that. The past few weeks have been a time descended from hell, maybe for Sam as well. Dean is feeling mellow right down to his bones, just knowing the fact that Sam also has feelings for him. Dean is someone who has never done feelings. Even with all the hook ups and what not, it always used to be need or lust. With Sam, all the things have been different. Even when Dean had realised that he may be harbouring more than friendly feelings for Sam, it was not lust, Dean didn't just want Sam physically. It had never been like that. With Sam, it has always been more feelings towards him then anything else. Missing him, wanting to be with him all the time. Just simply spending time with him. It hasn't only been attraction, even though its one of the reasons Dean realised for what it was. The fact that e hasn't tried to jump Sam yet says a lot about what he really wants. Dean wants Sam in all the ways. He doesn't want to rush into anything. He knows there are a lot of things to think through, a lot to figure about. But it won't change the fact that he lov... Dean stops in his inner monologuing. Dean has never put into words what he feels for Sam. Just knew it was all encompassing that it overwhelmed him sometimes to the point where he could only think about Sam and nothing else. This..this is.. Dean doesn't know what to say. Dean really doesn't know what to think of it. He looks at Sam again for a distraction, and sees him rubbing his eyes. When Sam notices Dean looking at him, he gives him a shy smile and ducks his head and Dean thinks that he would give anything for this thing right here. Whatever name it carries. He just needs Sam by his side, a Sam who is happy and smiling and Dean's.