I hadn't planned on being away so long, but it has been a month since we last visited my series Rabb family, so here we go with the next installment...but first a few little points about it ...

This installment is only two real parts, but the second day is so long that I've had to split it to keep it within posting limits, so some of you may view it as three parts.

The last part is with Lee - the most awesome beta reader ever - so though it's a completed story, I'm not sure about how quickly you'll get updates.

Some of you may find that this story is different from the norm in that secondary characters have larger roles than usual. However, rest assure that this is still a series about the lives of Harm and Mac, there are times in everyone's life where those around you make choices that impact your or your family's life in some way, whether it be big or small. We'll just have to see if or how this all effects are our duo.

Okay, with all that said, one final item. I read all my reviews/Email, and I to as many as I can. There have been some that were very hateful, that I have not responded to, and there have been some that if I answered the question, would spoil the outcome of the series, so though I try - I'm a little behind right now due to some Internet problems - I try to at least send a 'thanks for reading' note, even though I may not necessarily answer your question, both as not to spoil, and because by the time I get there, I may have changed my mind. LOL

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO - Thinking More Clearly

PART ONE

THURSDAY JANUARY 30, 2009

NURSERY

RABB RENTAL HOME

MANASSAS, VA

2058

MATTIE'S POV

I asked to feed Patty tonight, and though I was sure that Mac would allow me the opportunity to do so, I also thought that she'd linger in the room. However, to my surprise, she stayed only long enough to make sure that I was settled in the rocking chair with Patty securely in my arms before she left the room, not even waiting to see if Patty was going to accept the bottle, which I understand she still refuses from time-to-time.

"I think you should be glad that you're getting a bottle because, if you nursed, you might be getting butter instead of milk because Mac is really on edge tonight..." I begin as I lift the bottle to the proper angle of her mouth, "...and I'm afraid that's my fault. You see, I'm having a procedure done at the hospital tomorrow, and because she cares about me, she's really anxious about it," I continue as I place the nipple against Patty's lower lip.

With her clear, bright eyes staring up at my face, it appears that, not only do I have her undivided attention, but Patty completely comprehends what I'm saying to her.

"I don't want you to worry though because I'm looking forward to having it done." I pause to consider what I've just said. "Well, maybe not the actual procedure so much..." I say with a shrug of my shoulders. "...but I am excited about not being in so much pain all the time," I add to clarify as I brush the bottle's nipple over her lower lip.

"You want to know another reason why I'm not worried about tomorrow other than looking forward to being pain free? It's because, for the first time in months, I'm feeling better."

"So you see, little one, I'm going to be fine. Do you want to know why I'm doing better now?" I ask the infant in my arms, and somehow I expect her to reply.

Patty parts her lips, allowing the nipple to enter her mouth and, as she begins to take in the milk, it seems as if she's giving me an answer. If she's going to accept the bottle, then she's settling in to listen to my story.

"Two weeks ago I would've been thinking the worst and even praying that my life would be over tomorrow, but a new friend has me looking at a few things differently, and that has me feeling more positive about...well, everything."

Patty makes a cooing sound.

"You're curious and want to hear about my new friend, don't you?" I ask, and when Patty coos again, I take it as a yes.

"Then let me tell you what happened the day before I got my test results that allowed me to let go of some of what I was carrying around and helped me to start thinking more clearly. I had an hour left before I had to be at my next class so I decided that, instead of just walking around, I'd go to the campus café for a cup of hot chocolate and work on some of my homework from my first class. I was sitting with my attention focused on my homework that was displayed on the screen of my laptop and was perhaps a little preoccupied with thoughts of my current medical problems because my back was bothering me, so I didn't see him approach the table. Therefore, I was startled when I heard his voice."

*******FLASHBACK*******

Thursday January 22, 2009

CAMPUS CAFÉ

VIRGINIA TECH CAMPUS

BLACKSBURG, VA

1000

"Mattie, right?"

His volume is low and his tone uncertain and unassuming, but since I didn't see him coming towards me, I feel like he's invaded my space and I feel vulnerable and defensive.

Since his voice didn't sound familiar, I don't expect to see anyone that I'll want to have a long exchange with, so I peer up over the top of my laptop screen to see who's speaking to me.

There is something about him... I think I may have seen him before, but I'm not sure where - perhaps he's in one of my classes.

"I guess you don't remember me," he says as if sensing my apprehension at speaking to someone whom I've never met.

"We've met?" I ask, though I'm a little embarrassed if we have because I don't remember meeting him.

"Yes, though I'm not surprised that you don't remember. It was at a party, and you weren't sober at the time," he says with no hint of being insulted by my lack of recall. "My name is Bryce." He pauses for a heartbeat. "I was a friend of Kyle's," he adds sadly.

I feel a little silly now that he's introduced himself to me, since, though he and I weren't friends, he and Kyle spent a good deal of time together.

"That's why you looked familiar to me. I saw you with Kyle a few times and we did meet at that one party. Kyle introduced you as his best friend."

"That's right," he confirms.

Is he talking to me so that he can point an accusatory finger at me for causing Kyle's death? Does he need for me to say something reassuring to him about the loss of his friend?

Those two questions dart through my mind, and both result in me wanting to bolt from my chair.

Bryce slips into the chair next to mine without an invitation to join me, amplifying my discomfort.

"I know that we don't know each other, really, but Kyle cared about you, so when I saw you, I wanted to come over and see if you were doing okay."

"Yeah ... I guess," I say, sounding less than definitive on the matter. "You?"

"It was rough, you know, right after, but I'm doing better now that, though it's been slow going, I think I finally understand that it wasn't because of me that he killed himself."

"Of course it wasn't you! It was me," I blurt out.

"Is that why you didn't come to his funeral ... because you thought that you were responsible for his death?"

"Not exactly," I begin. Though it is the way that I felt, hearing him say it aloud makes it sound like I was thinking only of myself and makes me feel self-conscious and ashamed, so I don't want to admit that to him.

"He didn't do it because of you or me," he says confidently.

I look at him, silently begging him to share how he can be so certain.

He must understand the look of pleading in my eyes because he responds to the unasked question.

"Let me share with you what it's taken me two months with the help of a therapist to begin to understand." He pauses long enough to take in a breath. "Kyle committed suicide because, deep inside, he didn't believe that he could have the life that he wanted and he also knew that keeping the truth from his family and friends was hurting everyone ... and he didn't want to keep hurting the people who he cared about."

This time when he stops speaking, I have the feeling that he's expecting me to say something, but I have no idea what to say, so I remain quiet.

"Kyle drank in hopes that he could drown out the voices that were shouting at him about what he was, but, in the mornings, he'd find that he was still the same person ... nothing had changed."

"I don't understand what you're trying to tell me," I say, feeling frustrated because I feel that he's being cryptic.

"Didn't you ever wonder why he didn't want to make out at the frat parties?" he asks.

"He said that he was a private kind of guy and that displays like that in public were disrespectful," I explain, still not having caught on to what Bryce is trying to tell me.

"I thought it was very sweet of him." I add, defending Kyle.

"And I suppose you thought that he was just being a gentleman when the two of you were alone and he'd tell you that either he thought that he was too drunk or that you were, and he didn't want you to feel taken advantage of, right?"

"Yes," I say knowing that he feels that I should have figured it out by now, but whether it's my naivete or just that I have other things on my mind, like my test results, I have no idea, and I find that the way that he's dragging this out is very annoying.

"He told you about our dates?" I ask curiously, though at this point, the answer isn't important.

"Yes, he told me about every date you had with him ... in detail."

Now I don't know if I'm angry that I didn't mean more to him than just fodder for locker room gossip or embarrassed by the fact that there wasn't really anything to tell because Kyle and I didn't do anything other than kiss, and we didn't do much of that either.

"Kyle and I were more than just friends," he says in a way that tells me that he's struggling with the information that he wants to share. "Kyle cared about you a lot, and that's one of the reasons why he couldn't tell you that ... he was gay."

"Kyle was gay?" It comes out like a question, and I'm a little taken aback by the fact that such news stuns me in this day and age.

"He didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt you or have you think that it was in some way your fault, and he didn't want to tell his parents for fear that they'd be disappointed in him, particularly his father."

His eyes have a distant look in them as if he's somewhere else.

Seemingly returning to this place in the present, he begins to speak again as suddenly as he'd stopped a few moments ago.

"He felt terrible about not telling you because, in not being honest with you, he knew that he was leading you to believe in a future with him that wasn't there, and he didn't want to hurt me anymore by keeping our relationship a secret. So, you see, it wasn't because of you or me, but because he couldn't accept himself that he chose to take his own life."

Bryce reaches out and puts his hand over mine on the table.

"I thought you should know," he says softly while patting my hand gently.

"I wish he'd have told me. I would've been shocked ... hurt at first, but once it had sunk in, I'd have still been his friend," I say now that I've had a moment to think about it.

"I wish I'd have told him that I would rather have been with him in the closet than to be without him, but wishing won't change the fact that he's gone. What we have to do now is what he was afraid that we couldn't do when he was alive, and that's not to judge him for who he was or what he did, but love him for how he enriched our lives while he was part of them."

"Have you forgiven him?" I ask softly.

"He wasn't keeping his true self from me, so I don't feel betrayed by any lie that he told to keep his sexual orientation a secret, so for that, I have nothing to forgive. For him taking his own life ... I'm working on it," he says with a certain spark that reminds me of the brightness in Kyle's eyes.

"I can see why he cared about you. You have beautiful eyes," I comment.

"Thank you ... and the next time I see you, I hope to see the smile that Kyle said you had that lit up a room," he says, standing up.

"I'm working on getting it back," I reply, forcing a small smile.

I realize that he's stepping away and I feel that he's taking a huge weight from me with him.

"Hey," I call out to him, a little louder in volume than I'd planned, and it causes me to get a strange look from the two girls who are studying at the table next to me.

Stopping, he looks at me.

"Maybe we should get together and talk again," I say, half suggesting, half asking.

"About Kyle?" he inquires.

"If he comes up, but I'm sure that we could find other things to talk about or maybe complain about, too, like school, homework, our parents. I don't know what else, but a girl can't have too many friends, can she?"

"No, she can't," he says with a smile that reaches his eyes.

"Let me get your number then, and I'll call you," I say, reaching for my phone so I can add his number to my contact list.

*******END FLASHBACK*******

"Bryce and I met for coffee on this past Tuesday, and we talked for hours. He's a great guy, and I think we're going to be long-time buddies," I say to Patty, who I now realize has closed her eyes, and though she's still sucking from her bottle, is probably close to sleep.

"I'll share with you one more piece of good news while you finish the last of your bottle, and then, little one, it'll be time to get you in your crib for the night," I say, lowering my voice to a more hushed tone.

"I heard that Kevin and Heather broke up, and it must be true because I checked their profiles on Facebook, and they've both changed their status to single. I don't know when the break up happened exactly, but it means that I might get my best friend back. In fact, I was going to call him before I turn in tonight."

I can tell by the way her lips have parted, releasing the bottle that I've lost my audience. Patty is sleeping, and it's time to put her in her crib.

MASTER BEDROOM

SAME TIME

HARM'S POV

I look up over the edge of the book that I'm reading in bed when Mac walks back into our room too soon for her to have finished feeding Patty.

"Did she fall asleep without eating?" I ask, knowing that being sleepy and not eating has had Mac returning to our room more quickly than usual on some nights.

"I don't know. Mattie came in and asked to feed her, and -"

"- Because her surgery is tomorrow, you couldn't say no to her," I say, cutting her off before placing a bookmark between the pages of the book in my hand and suggesting, "Since you've been relieved of the baby-watch for now, why don't we go ahead and turn in early?"

"I'm not ready for bed yet. If Patty doesn't nurse, I'll need to pump, but I want to wait for a few minutes before I check on Mattie to see if she had any trouble getting her baby sister to take the bottle tonight ... but you should go ahead and turn in."

"Thanks, but I sleep better when you're in bed with me, so I'll wait for you," I say, positioning my book to begin reading again.

"Why is it that when doctors say 'procedure' it sounds better or less risky than when they say 'surgery'?" she asks distractedly and with the cautious nervousness of a mother who's been reassured numerous times that the procedure is routine, but without finding it comforting because, though it may be common practice for the doctor, it's being uncommonly performed on one of her children.

"They call things like her vertebroplasty a procedure because it doesn't require a typical incision to perform..." I begin to explain, closing my book again. "...and because it makes it sound less dangerous than saying surgery for the patient and her parents," I answer, believing that anytime a general anesthetic is needed, it should be called 'surgery' whether they're 'cutting' into you or not.

"I hate that she has to have it, no matter what term the doctor used to describe it," she says as she sits down on the bed beside me.

"She's going to be okay," I say, sounding confident in the statement when it comes to the outcome of the surgery, but I feel less so about the result of the procedure, though I'm hopeful that it'll relieve the pressure on the nerve and thus rid Mattie of the pain that she's been experiencing in recent weeks.

"When we talked with her about it after dinner, I didn't get the feeling that she has any reservations about having the procedure done, did you?"

"I think that she probably has some, but, like we would be if it were one of us, she's thinking that if the procedure works and she's pain free again, it's worth the risk."

"You're probably right," she states, settling back against her pillow as if our conversation has settled her nerves, but her tone doesn't match the action.

"But you still don't like that she has to have it," I say quizzically in hopes of learning if I'm reading her behavior and voice correctly, or if perhaps there's something else that's bothering her that we need to talk about.

"Do you?" she inquires in a sharp tone.

"Of course I'm not happy about it, but at the same time, the procedure is minimally invasive and she'll be in the hospital for only one day, meaning that she'll be here where she can take it easy for a couple of days before she returns to Blacksburg and school. Since she doesn't have classes on Fridays this semester, the doctor doesn't believe that it'll be necessary for her to miss any classes at all, but if she's experiencing more discomfort than most do afterward, she might miss the ones that she goes to on Mondays," I offer in explanation of how I'm looking at the situation in hopes that she can find something in what I've said to help her cope more easily.

"I know that you're right, but it isn't going to keep me from worrying until the she's out of the operating room tomorrow." She leans over, puts her hand on my chest and places her lips on mine.

The kiss is fleeting and, a brief moment later, she's using her hand on my chest to push away from me. "I need to go check on them ... make sure that everything's okay."

MATTIE'S ROOM

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

MAC'S POV

When I went into the nursery, I was surprised to find Patty in her crib and sleeping soundly. Not because I didn't think that Mattie was capable, but because Patty hasn't spent much one-on-one time with her, and I didn't know if Patty would take a bottle from her, but the empty bottle is evidence that Mattie wasn't only able to get Patty to sleep but eat as well.

I hear Mattie's voice coming from the other side of her door as I raise my hand to knock. At first I think that I should come back later, allowing her to carry on her conversation without interruption, but my curiosity as to whom she may be talking gets the better of me, so I rap on her door. Then, without waiting for a response, I enter her room.

"Hey, Mac," she says to me before she says, "It's Mac," into her phone.

After a moment's pause, Mattie throws "Kevin says hi" in my direction.

"Hello, Kevin," I say formally, and it conveys the right question to Mattie, which is when did the apparent change in their relationship occur from the last time that she and I spoke about him.

"Did you hear that? Mac said hi back," Mattie says into her phone.

Lowering the phone for a moment, Mattie asks, "Did you need something, Mac?"

"I wanted to find out how difficult Patty was for you and to see if you had any last minute questions about tomorrow," I say to let her know that I hadn't come in to invade her privacy, but that I did have a purpose for my visit.

The lines that form in her brow tells me that her caller doesn't know about the procedure tomorrow and that I'm to say no more.

"I'll be in the kitchen. Why don't you come find me when you've finished your call?" I suggest.

"Okay, I'll be there in a few minutes," Mattie says aloud, but then she mouths a silent 'thank you' before I turn to leave the room.

"Hey, would it be okay if Kevin comes over for dinner on Sunday?" she asks as I reach her bedroom door.

"That would be fine," I reply over my shoulder before exiting her room.

KITCHEN

TEN MINUTES LATER

MATTIE'S POV

"Sorry to keep you waiting, but it's the first time that I've talked to Kevin in a while, and since I called him to see if he's doing okay after splitting with Heather, I didn't want to rush to get off the phone."

"He and Heather broke up?" Mac asks with a raised eyebrow, an expression that reminds me of Harm.

"Yes," I answer, knowing that she probably wants to know more about it.

"Is he okay?" she asks.

"He seems to be, but that's probably because he says that he broke up with her. I know that, when I broke it off with Paul, I thought the decision was right, so, though I missed him, I was okay that he wasn't going to be around anymore."

"What about ending it with Kyle?" she asks.

"He broke up with me, so I hadn't formed the 'it's for the best' conclusion prior to the break up, so it made it much harder for me to come to terms with it ... and then when he killed himself ... it just put my emotions in turmoil."

"How are things now?" she asks with the tone of caring mother.

"Better," I answer in one word, knowing that it isn't going to be enough of an answer for her.

"What's different now than before?" Mac asks.

"Oh, where do I start?" I comment.

"How about at the beginning?" she replies.

"I want to look forward, so let's not go back that far," I say with a chuckle as I walk over to the refrigerator to see if anything catches my eye for a snack since I can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight.

"Things were going okay for you until around Thanksgiving, weren't they?" Mac asks.

"For the most part ... I mean dating Kyle, which lead to the problem with my grades and my drinking started before then, but I was still keeping it together until the week of Thanksgiving when Kyle broke it off with me. That's when I really started to have trouble, but I'm thinking more clearly now."

"Is there someone who I should thank for helping you get there? A new boy, perhaps?" Mac questions curiously as I take a carton of milk from the refrigerator.

"Yes and no," I say, reaching for a glass.

"Do you want chocolate chip or oatmeal cookies to go with that milk, because I think we're going to be here a while," Mac says firmly.

I look at Mac and smile.

"Chocolate chip, of course, but there isn't a lot for me to tell you."

"I beg to differ," she says, eyeing me curiously. "It seems that I'm behind on a lot of things, so bring your milk, I'll get the cookies, and you can fill me in on what's changed for you."

"Why don't I get out the cookies, too? That way, you can go get Harm so I won't have to repeat it to him later."

Normally, I wouldn't have invited him, but with my surgery tomorrow, if things don't go as expected and I die, then I'll have had this time to let them know that I left this world at peace, and if the surgery goes well, then tomorrow will be the start of the next chapter of my life.

"Okay, I'll go get him," Mac says agreeably before she dashes from the room.

MOMENTS LATER

I don't know what Mac said to him that got him to move so quickly, but I've barely had time to set out the cookies and milk when they enter the kitchen.

Harm pulls out a chair for Mac in which she takes a seat before he sits down next to her.

It's such a small gesture, but it shows just how much he loves her.

I take a seat, too, and I'm suddenly at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry. I wanted to talk, but I'm having trouble getting started."

"Take your time," Mac says, reaching across the table and placing her hand over mine.

I look up and see that Harm has taken the first bite of a chocolate chip cookie, and I don't know what it is about that scene, but it brings a smile to my face and is just the thing that I needed to remind me that they may be my parents, but they are human.

"I wanted to apologize for worrying you so much lately and to tell you that I'm thinking more clearly these days, so you can stop worrying about me."

"I can agree to worry less, but you're my daughter, and worrying to some degree comes with the job," Harm says in a caring, parental tone and with a loving smile.

"Well, you can both worry less, then," I say, returning a smile.

"What's changed, Mattie?" Mac asks.

Apparently, mothers don't let you off the hook so easily.

"The condensed version - me. I've changed ... well, I'm changing. I don't have life figured out yet, but I'm starting to work on the things that I know that I need to change."

Now Harm and Mac switch roles.

"I'm so proud of you," Mac says, squeezing my hand.

"What brought about this change that you're going through?" Harm questions, and I believe that I detect some skepticism in his voice.

"You do know that when you do good cop/bad cop, you aren't supposed to change roles in the middle - the good one is supposed to stay good, the bad one stays bad - don't you?" I say because, just a moment ago, Harm was the one sitting back, and Mac was the one who was questioning me.

"Don't change the subject," Harm says in his paternal, scolding tone.

I decide that I'm not in the best position to give him a rough time about anything right now, so I decide not to pursue the issue with him at this time and answer his question.

"So many things, like the two of you reminding me over the holidays that I have your support, but the most recent event that helped me happened a week ago when a friend of Kyle's spoke to me. We've talked a lot since then by phone and met for coffee once, and he's given me insights into what Kyle was going through, and that's helped me to start mourning his passing instead of feeling guilty about having caused it somehow."

"So you and this other boy are seeing each other?" Mac asks with concern.

"No, we're just friends and we'll never be more," I answer, intentionally not telling them the reason why I can be so positive about it. Bryce seems comfortable with who he is, but I know that the military's policy is 'don't ask, don't tell', and though Bryce isn't in the military, I don't know how Harm or Mac would feel about me being friends with someone who they knew was gay or lesbian, and with the current state of my life, I don't want to know the answer right now in case it's negative.

"You were talking to Kevin when I went in your room earlier. Are things better between you and him?" Mac asks.

"Things weren't really ever bad between us. I just felt awkward around him when he had a girlfriend, but I called him tonight to see how he was doing because I'd found out that he and Heather were over."

"Is he okay?" Mac asks.

"I'm not worried about him if that's what you mean. He sounded good, happy even when he told me that he was single again and that, since Mac was waiting to talk to me, he'd tell me all about it when he came over on Sunday for dinner."

"We're having company on Sunday?" Harm inquires with surprise.

"Yes, it just happened. I hadn't had time to tell you," Mac replies.

The table blocks their view of me wringing my hands in my lap because I'm apprehensive about the last thing that I want to tell them.

It may not be the right time, and I'm nervous about bringing it up.

"There is one more thing that I wanted to ask you tonight," I say, my voice shaking a little.

"About your surgery tomorrow?" Mac inquires with the concern of a mother.

"No, not about that. The doctor was pretty thorough about what I should expect. What I wanted to ask you is if the offer to be a Rabb is still good?"

"Absolutely," Harm states with certainty and without hesitation as his proud father smile starts to spread across his face.

I look at Mac, who's nodding her agreement.

"Then, after careful consideration, I'd like to have my name legally changed to Matilda Grace Johnson Rabb," I announce before adding teasingly, "unless you've changed your mind about letting me change the Matilda part."

"The form is saved on my computer. All I have to do is type in the name that you've chosen and print it out. It'll take two ... three minutes tops, so I'll go do it right now. You can sign it tonight," Harm says, already getting to his feet.

"You don't have to do it now," I say as he starts for the doorway.

Stopping, he turns to face me to say, "No reason to put it off. By having you sign the form tonight, it'll be ready to file tomorrow. Though, because we'll be at the hospital, I'll have to wait until Monday to file it," Harm replies. He says the latter as if he's thinking aloud rather speaking to us.

"Since Mattie's procedure is early in the morning, and though I'm not leaving the hospital until she's in her room and I've seen that she's okay for myself, if I'm able to leave the hospital early enough, I could swing by the courthouse and get things started on my way back home tomorrow," Mac offers.

"Then it definitely has to be signed tonight. I'll be back in a minute with the papers and a pen," Harm says as he turns towards the door.

"Aren't you going to at least finish your cookies first?" I ask to his back.

"I have only one left on my plate, so I'll eat it when I get back," he says over his shoulder as he exits the room.

True to his word, Harm returns just a few minutes later with papers and pen in hand, and after I've signed them as instructed, we finish our cookies and milk before we all head to bed for whatever rest we can manage to get with my surgery on our minds.