I am profoundly grateful at the enormous number of reviews for chapter 38. It was a rough chapter and many of you were understandably not happy. Thank you for your interest in this story and for your willingness to share with me. I am making my way down the review list so if you haven't gotten a message from me, you will. Many of them really made me think about what I was doing and that is the best feedback a writer can get. I think I was not prepared for the passionate nature of some of my critics.

Many thanks to plumgal1899, bubblegum1425 (princessbubbles25) and solasvioletta for their betaing magic. I can't even tell you how much important they are.

HG Fanfiction Rec: Fix You by plumgal1899. Ten years after the September 11th tragedy, seeking closure for her experience, Katniss Everdeen sets out to find the firefighter that saved her life that day when she was 11 years old. The prologue is a true heartbreaker and the story just promises to be amazing.

Chapter 39 - Everytime You Go Away

I sell the inventory of memories of the loveliest story

That I have heard in my life.

I sell the script of the saddest and most beautiful movie

That I ever had the chance to see in life.

[...]

I understand that you're leaving and now I serve my sentence

But do not ask me to want to live.

Without your moon, without your sun, without your sweet madness,

I become small and diminished.

The night dreams of you and it taunts me.

I try to hold you while you shield yourself from me.

-from Dulce Locura (Sweet Madness) by La Oreja de Van Gogh

Lethargy was too weak of a word to describe the feeling that had overtaken me. I seemed to watch myself from the outside, willing myself to feel a sense of urgency, to feel anything at all. But I'd gone flat like a sand dune that had been reshaped by a blistering desert wind. I'd never seen sand dunes in real life but a few years ago, one of the arenas featured a hot, dry desert with sand storms that blew so strongly, the entire geography of the landscape could be rearranged in moments. So I'd been swept flat by the events of the last 24 hours, left without hill or valley.

At the edge of my consciousness, conversations and images attempted to edge their way in but I held them at bay. This was not the time to give way to them for if I did, I would go mad with grief and regret. There would be time enough to revisit those memories. I sensed that if I did not rise now, I would freeze and never move again. I was on Haymitch's doorstep almost without knowing how I'd gotten there and knocked at the door. Remarkably, he was awake and somewhat sober, apparently unsurprised to see me.

"Looking for the boy?" he said as he stepped aside to let me in.

"Yeah." I croaked, walking mid-way down the corridor before remembering that I should be in a hurry and turning to him. "Have you seen him?"

Instead of answering, Haymitch took a long look at my face. It was puffy and though it was not the worst blow I'd ever gotten, it was the one that had hurt the most.

"That's ugly." he said, shaking his head. "Sit down for a minute."

"Haymitch, I don't have time…"

"Yeah, you do," he interrupted. "His train doesn't leave until tonight."

I felt my body turn to ice, a pain like an icy vise squeezing around my chest. "Dammit, he's not trying to leave again, is he?" I said, a slight hysteria creeping into my voice.

"Sit," Haymitch said firmly.

I did as I was told, partly because I trusted Haymitch and his intentions, partly because I'd lost all feeling in my legs and needed to catch my breath.

"Peeta was here early this morning, looking like he'd been hit by a train," he said slowly. "Though, to be honest, I do believe you take the prize for looking like honest-to-goodness shit this time. He did a number on your face. And if I didn't know your backstory, I'd have put him under." Haymitch took a deep breath. "He's been running around, making arrangements to leave."

I sat up in my chair, my numbness slowly giving way to dread and anxiety. This slow awakening of feeling manifested itself in an uncontrollable shaking of my hand. "Where's he planning on going?"

"The Capitol. He's admitted himself into Dr. Aurelius' care and might be gone for a while." I shook my head at this, not anticipating these events at all. "Look, you can have it out with him all you want and try to stop him but I have to tell you…"

I observed Haymitch, always trying to protect us, first in keeping us alive, then just trying to keep us sane. I got an inkling of what it must be like for him to constantly intercede between Peeta and I, to play the role of father figure in our dysfunctional family unit, a role for which his life had not prepared him.

"I'm not going to try to stop him," I said impulsively and realized that in fact, I meant it.

Haymitch was taken aback and I had to suppress a feeling of satisfaction because it took a lot to catch him by surprise. "Okay. Well, that's one less argument I'll have to have. So what do you need?"

I took a deep breath and stared at the floor for a moment, grasping desperately at my errant thoughts. I was beginning to thaw out, the numbness that had kept me from losing my mind right after the incident of last night giving way to a gaping misery whose maw reached up to pull me under. "I just want him to know that I don't hate him, that I'm angry but not at him. I was going to tell him that I was moving out but I guess he's saved me that trouble, hasn't he?" I chuckle mirthlessly. "We overshot the mark, Haymitch. I don't think that two people like us should even entertain the idea of being together. Normal people live together and get married. We're too damaged for normal."

Haymitch stared at me for a long moment, considering my words. "There are several things that I disagree with in that litany of bullshit you just spewed but I don't have the time or inclination to do so. This is not the time to go making those kinds of decisions yet."

"I know. But we can't be together right now. Haymitch," I leaned forward in my chair, "There's something very wrong with him. He's not himself when he is having these episodes and I know he is not trying to hurt me. It's like he wants to…possess me…" I almost spit up in my mouth saying these things to Haymitch but he needed to understand the importance, the necessity of what I was about to ask of him. "I won't have any peace if he goes to the Capitol alone." Here, the dam that I'd been holding back overran its boundaries. I couldn't stem the current anymore and tears burst out of me in spite of myself. "He's broken and damaged. He's struggling and I can't help him. Please, go with him to Dr. Aurelius. Stay with him." Haymitch stood up suddenly, pacing the space between us, shaking his head in dissent.

"I told you, I'm not setting one foot in the Capitol while I'm still alive," he spat.

"Dammit, Haymitch. You owe him!" His steel grey eyes fell on me and I knew he understood me but I wasn't leaving it to chance. I couldn't endure his denial, what it would mean for Peeta to be alone on that infernal train, hurtling towards the place where he had been destroyed. "You - we - abandoned him in that Arena, for this joke of a Mockingjay. He was ruined because we failed him." The tears swelled up in my throat and the taste was as bitter as the foul white alcohol Haymitch used to numb himself. "He's like this because of us and I can't go. I'm not what he needs right now." I stood up and planted myself in front of him, watching as his resolve melted. I had his acquiescence but I had to give him a way to give in to me. "You said you would take care of us. We're supposed to be a team, right? Or was that all a lie too?"

Haymitch's face contorted, as if he were swallowing bile and he swore profusely, a long litany of curses falling from his chapped lips. "I'll have you know, I promised Peeta that I would look after you while he was gone. He asked Effie and Sae also. I can't renege on a promise to him."

My frustration broke through my tears. "I have a fleet of people here to look after me! He won't have anyone! He could have an episode on that train - you know what those trains mean to us!" I shouted. "And he'll be alone and no one will be there to take care of him! How could you live with that? No, this is worth more than a promise to him." I was ready to get on my knees and beg him. "You are the only person I can trust with him. We owe him that much."

When he swore again, I knew I had him. This was the biggest unresolved issue between us, the thing that united us when it came to Peeta. It was the Seam in us coming out - we couldn't stand a debt and especially an impossible debt. We both knew this was a debt that we'd never be able to repay.

"Fine, sweetheart, I'll go with him. But you have to promise me something," he positively growled as he poured himself a very large shot of his liquor.

"What is it?" I asked, suspicious of the wily, old goat.

He swallowed down the burning white liquid. "Don't you give up on that boy. I don't want to hear any more about how you two shouldn't be together. That's the biggest crock of bullshit I've ever heard. Fucked up people get together all the time and make things work. Right now, get your head straight and let him get himself together." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "You owe it to yourselves to try to make this thing between you work. You two are lousy human beings when you're not together."

I shook my head, filled with despondency. "I'm not sure this time. I can't see to the end of it."

Haymitch washed his hands and began gathering his stray dishes from around the kitchen. "No one really sees the end of things but you can't let that stop you. You push on because you hope there's something waiting for you at the end."

That was one of the most upbeat things I'd heard from him in all the years I'd known the old curmudgeon and it moved something inside of me. "Are you, of all people, preaching hope?" I said with no small amount of sarcasm.

Haymitch turned to me with and gave me a look as if I were the dumbest person he'd ever seen. "You are not the only one trying to get to the other side. Now get out of my house so I can get ready to go with loverboy. I gotta clean up this rattrap. At least the Capitol has good alcohol," he huffed as he moved around the kitchen. I made for the door but turned at the last minute and threw my arms around him, squeezing him to me.

"Thank you," I whispered into his chest, not minding the smell of old sweat and liquor.

He brought his arms up to return my hug. "Yeah, yeah, just get gone already, will you?" Then, as an afterthought, "Peeta is probably in the flat over the bakery. Just don't go into town with that shiner. Put on a hat or something. Not everyone is going to be so forgiving about how you got that."

I nodded and made my way back to the house to grab a hat and set out to find Peeta.

XXXXX

I don't know what I expected as I made my way up the bakery stairs. My heart was pounding with barely repressed terror - I always expected the worst. I heard his tell-tale step, somewhat uneven, one leg landing harder than the other one against the hardwood floor. My cap sat slightly tilted over the offending bruise, a narrow-lipped fishing cap which was a rather silly thing to wear around town. When the door opened, Peeta froze as I stared mutely at his chest and felt the hat lift off of my head. I let my eyes drift to his face and caught the look of intense pain that flitted across his features. Without a word, he stepped aside to let me in.

When he shut the door, we simply stared at each other for a few moments. I took in his appearance - he'd already dressed for traveling in his nicer cargo pants and white dress shirt. He was clean, though there was a disheveled aspect to his appearance that contrasted sharply with his well-pressed clothing. The wildness in his eyes and the unkempt hair was a hint of the tumult of his feelings emanating from of him. Though I'd often failed to act on my understanding of him in these last few weeks, I did know Peeta and while he was impeccable on the outside, he was a raging tempest on the inside.

"Telling you that I'm sorry wouldn't be enough," he started.

"I'm not here for an apology," I said simply.

He nodded slightly. "I'm not coming home," he said with a look of infinite sadness.

"I know. I wasn't going to ask you for that either," I responded, still studying him, examining my own serenity and the storm that lay underneath.

Peeta tilted his head slightly, becoming confused.

"Haymitch told me you were leaving for the Capitol."

He nodded again in understanding. "I admitted myself to the sanitorium, and placed myself in Dr. Aurelius' care. He will be running tests and treating me, if that's even possible."

"Do you think you can't be…helped?" I asked, the possibility that his condition could be permanent crashing down on me.

"I won't come back otherwise. I know I said I couldn't live without you and that's true. But that's not your problem. I'm not putting you in any more danger, even if it means staying away from you." He said with grim determination.

I stepped closer to him, but didn't touch him. I wasn't sure if I could. "Do what you have to do. I know you'll get better, because you've done it before. Then come back to me," I said, a sudden desperation overtaking me.

"After everything?" he whispered in disbelief.

I smiled but it hurt to move those muscles, the expression so different from the way I felt inside. "I'm not erasing or excusing what happened between us. I'm just saying - get right. But when it's done, come home."

Peeta's face darkened further and he nodded, his hand reaching forward and I knew he wanted to touch me, wanted maybe to hold onto me, but my body was more unforgiving than I was. I took an instinctive step back. He dropped his arm, looking as if he'd been slapped. But I couldn't let it get to me. I wasn't ready for that yet.

"One more thing. We have a phone call to make," I said and made my way to the study, expecting him to follow me.

I picked up the handset, dialing the all-too-familiar number of Dr. Aurelius' personal line. It rang twice before he answered.

"It's Katniss Everdeen," I said simply.

"Katniss! I was expecting your call," said Dr. Aurelius' cultured voice filled my ear?

"Of course." I said, trying to keep the impatience out of my voice. I had no space for trivialities in my brittle heart at that moment. "Peeta is coming to you."

"I am aware of that." His voice dropped an octave. "Is Peeta there now?"

"Yes," I said curtly.

He paused, the ever present shuffling of papers making its way across the phone line. "Can I speak to both of you?"

I signaled to Peeta to come closer and put the phone on speaker. "He's listening."

"Very good. First I want to applaud you for your initiative, Peeta. It is difficult to acknowledge your need for help. This is a very good first step. Second, I want to apologize."

Peeta and I exchanged looks of surprise. "What do you have to apologize for?" he asked.

"You are the only known survivor of a hijacking. The torture was experimental and any documentation regarding the methods used was destroyed before the war trials took place. Let's not speak of the treatments for victims of the hijacking – they were never meant to recover from their condition." Peeta's faced became pinched when he heard this.

"What is your point?" I interjected.

"My point is that I would never have released Peeta if I had thought he could be a danger to you, Katniss. I feel that this was a professional failure on my part and I apologize. I hold myself personally responsible for your current predicament."

"You couldn't have known," responded Peeta.

"No, perhaps not, but when I suggested after your earlier episode that you come to the Capitol to be evaluated, I should have been more strenuous in my recommendation."

"You suggested he come earlier?" I turned to Peeta. "Why didn't you go when he first recommended it?"

Peeta wiped his face, "I didn't want to leave you alone. And I thought I could control it better."

I shook my head at the absurdity. "We did everything wrong here. I should have called Dr. Aurelius when this first happened. Maybe if I hadn't insisted so much on being with you…" I let my voice trail off despondently. Again, Peeta made to touch me but pulled back, the memory of my previous reaction perhaps still fresh in his mind.

"This is not productive. While it is true that everyone made mistakes, it is more important to learn from them." Dr. Aurelius paused, as if to collect his thoughts. "I should have built better models, thought through some of the clinical implications of my work with you better than I did. I owe you my heartfelt apologies and offer both of you my personal commitment to help Peeta get better."

I nodded at this with relief and everything suddenly became less daunting. This helped me to feel almost normal, if I could ever feel normal again. Freeing myself from the strangeness of the situation left more space for the unwanted consequence of my encroaching sadness. Peeta would be leaving soon, his return unknown. The enormity of what that meant was beginning to touch me and I didn't want to deal with it until I could be alone and truly relinquish myself to my misery. "Thank you."

"Now, I want you both to know what to expect. I will examine Peeta thoroughly as soon as he is admitted and determine the best course of action to take. I have a team of specialists on hand to assist me in creating a treatment plan. Katniss, I will need your involvement as much as possible. However, this does not take the place of your own personal therapy. You will continue your weekly calls with me. Let's make our next telephone appointment for tomorrow afternoon. Will you be available?"

I knew that by that time, Peeta would have already arrived in the Capitol. "I'll be here. How long will he be gone?"

Dr. Aurelius shuffled his papers again before answering. "There is no way of knowing until I have examined him. I will let you know as soon as possible. I'm sorry."

The conversation continued between Peeta and Dr. Aurelius so I wandered about the house. In the bedroom was Peeta's travel case, perched like a black premonition on the edge of our bed. He had a small carry case prepared also. Perhaps he had packed when I locked myself in the bathroom because we had only the bare essentials in this apartment. I thought of the bakery, of all the work that we had put in to get it off the ground. It was time to start planning our garden because spring was just around the corner. The lake would soon be thawed out and there would be fish and mountain bass for the taking. So much was waiting for us yet half of me would be somewhere else. I leaned my head against the window frame, tamping down on the feeling that was rising up inside of me. I thought to myself – just a few more hours and then I could let myself fall apart.

I was so deep in thought that I didn't notice the conversation had ended until I felt him next to me.

"It's chilly in the Capitol, I think. Did you pack something warm?" I asked, glancing over at him. His head was down and his eyes squeezed shut.

"Yeah, a sweater and jacket." He paused before continuing. "And the bakery – I think I have coverage and Effie will watch it on the business end if you need her to…" his voice faded at the end. "Katniss, I…" he stammered. "The train's leaving and I just…could you look at me?" he said finally.

I turned my gaze toward him before he continued. "I don't know what I said to you last night. I remember us together, being very angry and then you…and your face…" he took a deep breath but forced himself to look at me. "I'll never forgive myself for that."

"You're sick, Peeta. It isn't your fault. But I don't know how many nights like last night I have in me." I turned to him and it ached, physically, to have him next to me, to want to be like we were yesterday and not be able overcome this thing that had grown between us. "You have to do your best to get better, for both our sakes, okay?" I stretched my hand out tentatively, testing my limits. He captured it and brought it up to his lips. I felt the wetness of his tears and wanted to hold him close to me, perhaps sing to him and soothe him but unfortunately, this was all I had to give.

XXXXX

Haymitch showed up a little later, freshly showered and dressed in a pair of slacks and a turtle-neck with a somewhat old jacket that, to his credit, was not stained. When Peeta opened the door, he appeared shocked at the sight our mentor looking almost normal and clean.

"What are you up to?" he asked warily.

"Seems I'm due for a Capitol vacation so I thought I'd come along," he drawled.

"What?" Peeta became frustrated. "Why would you want to come to the Capitol…?" but understanding dawned on him and he looked from me to Haymitch again. "This is your idea, isn't it Katniss? You guys are back at it, creating your little strategies without including me." His eyes blazed in anger. "No, you are not coming with me. I don't want Katniss to be alone here."

"I'm not alone, Peeta. I have Sae and Effie and I'm perfectly capable of caring from myself," I replied, my own anger rising at the idea that he thought me so weak.

"No!" his voice became loud. "You're not doing this. Katniss, I won't be able to think straight if I have to worry about you!"

"And I won't be able to take care of myself if I think you are in the Capitol all by yourself!" I shouted. I had arrived at the limit of my self-control.

Haymitch looked up as if invoking wisdom from the ceiling. "How did I get caught up in this drama? Look, boy, I took a bath and skipped my nap for this so you're stuck with me. Quit your ballyhooing or you're going to miss your train."

Peeta made to protest again but this time, I was determined to be persuasive. I stepped in front of him and, for the first time since last night, put my arms around him. His body was iron with tension but at my touch, he softened, all the rigidity leaving him.

"Katniss," he groaned into my hair, his body trembling with suppressed emotion.

I reveled in the feel of him, the thrumming of his powerful heart reverberating through me. There could be a hundred things between us but I would never fail to respond to that pounding drum that had come to mean everything that was good and safe in my world.

"Please, don't fight me on this," I begged.

I felt him release his breath in resignation. "Okay." He pulled back and looked at me. "I never wanted any of this…"

"Stop. I know. Just get better. I'm not going anywhere," I smiled sadly.

"I don't know how I'm going to get any sleep without you." He ran his hand over my braid, trailing his fingers over each undulation until they came to the messy end.

"I guess we'll sleep when you come back," I quipped.

"You are so sure I'll get better," he said incredulously.

"I have no choice. I don't want to think of the alternative," I whispered, putting my head against his chest. We held onto each other until Haymitch told us it was time to go to the station.

XXXXX

I didn't think I would have it in me to see him off but I managed it. He said goodbye to a clearly distraught Effie who, upon seeing my face under my cap, burst into a fit of tears that she hid by fluttering random pages of notepad paper before her made-up face. There were more people than usual on the platform and I was surprised to see the Mayor standing at a discreet distance. When the train arrived, he said a few words to the conductor, after which Peeta's and Haymitch's things were collected by an attendant who returned to stand quietly by the doors, apparently assigned to assist them. He shook their hands and moved quietly through the crowd, making his way towards another group situated further up on the train. I turned my attention back to find Haymitch waiting next to Peeta and me. I hugged Haymitch, whispering a surreptitious "Thank you," in his ear before he pulled away, patting my head gently as he took to the train.

I stood frozen, watching Peeta watch me. I tried a reassuring smile and probably only achieved a grimace while I absent-mindedly straightened his shirt. There wasn't much more to say so I simply took in his appearance, committing him to memory for the long and lonely nights stretching before me, nights rife with the agony of his absence, where he would not be within reach.

Soon the warning bell for the departing train rang, snapping me out of my trance. I felt my eyes grow wide with panic and reality crashed down on me like a cresting wave. I clutched Peeta involuntarily, undoing all of the smoothing down that I had done to his shirt. It hardly mattered as I tried to string something coherent and meaningful together to see him off, a profound statement that he could cherish like the pearl on my finger, which reminded me of him when he was absent from my sight. But all I could produce was a burst of truncated air.

"Peeta…" I gasped but my pathetic attempt was interrupted by his lips. I overcame my instinct to shrink away in fear and returned his kiss with an equally desperate one of my own. There were kisses that were peppered throughout the corners of my life – the cave, the beach, the Capitol, our bedroom and now there was this one, a bitter kiss flavored with the salt of longing and heartache.

When we broke apart, I tried to speak again but he just shook his head and smiled.

"I know, Katniss. It's the same for me too." He kissed my forehead gently and turned without further delay, boarding the train. I watched with mute immobility as the doors swished closed but he appeared in the window next to it, his gentle yet indomitable blue eyes locked onto mine. I didn't so much as blink as the train moved away, taking him with it. I closed my eyes only when it had become a vanishing mass in the distance.

XXXXX

I've created a drabble and one-shot collection over at Archive of Our Own called Drabbles and Oneshots by Titania. They feature drabbles and one-shots that I don't post on ffnet. If you would like a link to the site, just visit my profile page here or search my penname on AO3 - titania522.