CHAPTER 37

Suddenly feeling slightly nauseous, Bella began to worry about why Edward had all Alice's possessions boxed up in his flat. Was there something sinister going on after all, or had Edward put off sorting through all these personal items because he was still too upset to face it, or because he simply hadn't had the time to get round to it?

Feeling as if she had disturbed some sort of sacred memory and hoping Edward wouldn't think she had deliberately been rifling through his things, Bella just wanted to tape the boxes up and put them back. But bending down to pick up the book she'd dropped, she saw a folded sheet of paper lying on the floor, which must have been tucked inside it. Noticing Edward and Jasper's names were written at the top, her curiosity got the better of her and she opened out the single sheet of A4 paper and began to read.

First of all she turned to the back page and saw with a shock that it was signed by Alice, then with a churning feeling in her stomach and with hands which had begun to shake, Bella took the letter over to the window, to try to get some more light from the chilly overcast sky to read it by.

To begin with the scribbled writing in purple ink was difficult to decipher, but Bella persevered, realising the more she read, that Alice must have written this letter just before she died. As she read further, her eyes widened in growing disbelief and by the time she got to the end of the second page, Bella was certain that what she held in her hand was, in effect, an undiscovered suicide note.

She had to go and find Jasper at once.

-ooo-

Edward rolled over in bed, shielding his bleary eyes from the bright midday sunlight, which had broken through a chink in the heavy clouds and was suddenly flooding through the window of his hotel room. He'd been so drunk when he fell into bed that he hadn't even thought to close the curtains first.

Still trying to avoid the blinding light and realising he was probably in for the mother of all hangovers, he reached for the bottle of water he'd left unopened on the bedside table, then groaned from the effort and lay still for a while, wondering if he had the energy to get up.

Disjointed images from the night before swam into his head. After he left Emmett he'd gone on a pub crawl, before getting into a fight, which fortunately he'd emerged unscathed from after giving his opponent a bloody nose. After that things got a bit blurry and the last thing he remembered was arguing with the desk clerk downstairs, who had refused to give him a room because he was so drunk he could hardly stand.

The astronomical price he'd finally been charged must have gone some way towards convincing the hotel manager to reverse the decision and turn a blind eye to his inebriated state and his dishevelled, blood spattered clothes and Edward suddenly had a humiliating memory of being half escorted and half carried up to his room by two burly porters. At least when he staggered over to the bed and passed out, he'd finally succeeded in blocking out all thoughts of Bella. But now he was paying the price, and he groaned again as the ceiling tilted towards him and the room began to spin at an alarming rate.

Even though he felt so awful, Edward was unable to lie still for long and after a few minutes he dragged himself out of bed and into the shower. He knew he should go home, but without any clear decision about what he was going to do or say when he got there, it was pointless. He needed more time to get the chaos in his head under control - his thoughts were still too jumbled and the memories too painful to even attempt to think things through yet, especially now that his skull felt as if it was about to split apart.

He'd intended to drop into the office for half an hour this morning to sign off some urgent contracts and it occurred to him that the calm and businesslike environment might help him to focus. So after finishing his shower and hastily swallowing some painkillers, he rang his driver to ask him to bring a change of clothes to the hotel, before driving him into work.

-ooo-

By the time Edward arrived at the office his hangover was already receding a little, but as he stepped out of the car, he suddenly felt extremely light-headed and realised he couldn't remember when he'd last eaten. Veering away from the entrance to the building, he turned and made his way towards a pub in the next street, thankful that because the area was deserted at the weekend, it wouldn't be too crowded or noisy. And once inside, he joined the few lunchtime regulars at the bar and ordered a coffee and a sandwich.

At first the football match playing on the large screen on the opposite wall distracted him a little, but as everyone else became engrossed in the game, Edward's attention began to wander. He absent-mindedly took his phone out of his pocket, but put it away again without switching it on, knowing that by now Rose and Emmett's worried messages and texts would have been added to Bella's.

He wasn't ready to speak to anyone yet, but he knew he couldn't keep putting things off. He had to face up to what he had done and decide what to do about it. A part of him had almost been hoping that Bella would make the decision for him and leave before he got back, but now that his brain wasn't so fogged with alcohol, he was suddenly overwhelmed by pain at the thought.

With a sigh he took a fresh cup of coffee over to an empty table at the back of the room and finally let his mind go back to Friday night. Disconcertingly, despite the guilt which had begun to torture him almost immediately afterwards, the memories still aroused him. Even during the weeks when he'd almost convinced himself that Bella was a con artist and a slut, he had managed to cling onto his self control, but now after one reckless night, he wasn't sure he was capable of restraining himself any longer.

Already the memories of her slick body and soft sounds were beginning to overpower his better judgment and the temptation to misuse the influence he knew he had over her was growing. He wanted nothing more than to rush back to the flat, pin Bella down and sink into her and the worst thing was that he knew she would be defenceless against the pleasure he could give her and it would take very little effort on his part to ensnare her completely, until she was as tightly bound to him as he was to her.

Even as he dragged his hand over his tired face and tried to pull himself together, he was unable to prevent more memories flashing in front of his eyes, torturing him even further. As if specifically posed to appeal to his worst desires, a series of high definition images of Bella repeated on an endless loop, tethered and helplessly spread out in front of him, displaying the lurid crimson marks of the flogger across her pale skin.

He groaned again with the thought that after all those months of effort, when he had watched his every step and reigned himself in so tightly, everything he had fought so hard to hold onto had been lost, because he hadn't been able to control his anger and jealousy when it mattered. After the immense relief of finding Bella was safe and well, something inside had given way and the monster in him had needed to remind both of them that Bella was his and only his.

He had tried so hard for so long to keep that part of his life completely hidden and separate from Bella, shuddering at the thought that she would ever come into contact with the world he knew, let alone discover how deeply engrained it was in him. He remembered how sickened he'd been when he'd first found out he shared his father's sexual appetites and although he'd completely shaken off those feelings as he got older and quickly realised that nothing was off limits between consenting adults, something about Bella had brought the old uncertainty and shame back to the fore.

His worst fear had always been that he would eventually drag her down with him and waves of intense guilt washed over him again, as he remembered the many promises he'd made to himself to protect and cherish Bella as she deserved. He wasn't stupid and he knew that somewhere along the line, his inability to save Alice had somehow become entangled with his feelings for Bella and that those instincts had intensified during the months spent hunting for Mike.

For a long time he had tried to convince himself that if he refused to acknowledge the feelings he had for her, they would die down into the type of brotherly relationship he felt he could handle. Once he'd begun to suspect that his feelings were deeper than he wanted to admit, he'd even tried to warn Bella off. But the day when he had rushed to Charlie's house dreading Mike had already got to her, had been the day he had realised how much he truly loved and needed her, and from then on, despite everything, he had selfishly tried to keep her.

Now the thought of giving Bella up was almost too painful to contemplate. She had brought something light and joyous into his life, which he had never experienced before. Even his relationship with Alice had been weighed down by fear, because from the start she had been so heartbreakingly fragile, that he had always suspected his efforts to protect her would fail.

In contrast Bella was so strong. He had seen her bend but never break. Somehow he felt as if he had finally found a home and to his surprise it had laughter and an easy sense of shared companionship and mutual respect in it. He couldn't imagine anyone else ever fitting him so completely. She supplied the qualities which balanced and softened his and with Bella at his side he knew he would always be a better person.

But how could she ever be better off with someone like him? How could she not be tainted by him? In the clear light of day, she must already be feeling sickened by what he had subjected her to. However much it hurt him to let her go, he had to do it. She couldn't possibly ever love him, or want to stay with him, now that she had some inkling of what he was capable of and by now she must have finally understood that he was no good for her. Even if it broke him completely, he would do the decent thing and at least let her go without a fight.

No Edward, wrong decision with 4 chapters to go!

Suki

ps thanks to the ladies of the Olderward Stories community for adding this fic to their list.