I can't believe I not only reached 200 reviews, but also had over 30 in a three day period. All of you reviewing are amazing, so thank you! A special thanks to those who keep reviewing.
Clementine- Thanks for all your reviews! The transformation back to Snape will be when Snape is back at Sirius's house in the letter scene in the first chapter. So far, it's sort of like his flashbacks, which is not the best explanation because of Lily's perspective. The best I can explain it is by comparing it to Titanic, when it had Rose telling the story, but it also showed her story from Jack's perspective. That's actually how I came up with the idea.
thereader- Thanks for reading again! Lily's relationship with James will change most drastically during seventh year, but the end of fifth year should have her seeing a new side of him.
Chapter Thirty-Seven- The Boggart
1973
As the inevitable meeting of the Knights of Walpurgis neared, Severus grew increasingly anxious. He was not the sort of person who liked surprises. He preferred to stock up on knowledge and be fully aware of his surroundings. He opted for facts and precision, which was one reason why he favored Potions.
Worst of all, he couldn't tell Lily. Severus had always been a private person, but Lily had an unfortunate habit of wheedling out his secrets. Severus didn't trust himself not to tell her nearly as much as he feared what they would do to her if he did tell her. The result was his distant moods and somewhat snappish responses, which didn't go over very well with Lily.
Severus stared absently into the flames of the common room fireplace, renewed uncertainty tugging at his mind. There were moments such as then that Severus was sorely tempted to tell Lily everything. But then reality soaked in. He couldn't risk it. From Mulciber's explanation, the Knights of Walpurgis didn't seem like a typical secret group, especially if Voldemort favored them. Telling a Muggle-born seemed like a death wish for the both of them.
And Severus had a sneaking suspicion that Lily wouldn't understand.
"Trouble sleeping?"
Severus swung his head around and was more than startled to see Narcissa Black float into the room, her sheet of long, icy blond hair swaying with her fluid motions. He hadn't seen much of the youngest Black sister, the quietest of three. She held a certain fascination with the Slytherins; males and females alike seemed to worship her. While her angelic features revealed that she was perfectly aware of the power she held, Narcissa's manner towards all of them was cold. The ice only seemed to thaw when she was with another Black or Lucius.
"Yes," Severus replied honestly, not knowing why he didn't lie.
"I can't either," Narcissa said quietly. "I never can."
There was a brief silence.
"It's the Mudblood, isn't it?" Even from her dulcet voice, soft as she took the seat beside him, the word sounded cruel. As the firelight played with her silvery tresses, Severus could almost understand why the Slytherins were so enchanted with her. But instead of being charmed, Severus felt nothing but defensive for Lily's sake.
Severus didn't answer, but Narcissa didn't seem to notice. "You miss her," she said with something resembling wonder. "You miss things the way they were. They were simpler then."
Severus's hands curled tightly around the arms of his chair. Similarly to Lily, she had an unnerving habit of reading his thoughts. But unlike Lily, she lacked the innocent curiosity of a close friend. Severus didn't know what to make of her.
"I miss him. Lucius."
When Severus glanced at her, she was staring at the fireplace as he had been before her entrance, her pale blue eyes transfixed by the crackling flames.
"The funny part is," Narcissa began, her gaze never wavering. "This is just the beginning. It only worsens from here, doesn't it?"
That had been one of Severus's darker fears, but he hadn't dared voice it. He couldn't think that way. It was irrational. As long as he became someone, everything would be fine. "I don't think so," Severus said, but his answer had been too quick, almost as if it had been wishful thinking.
"Or you don't want to."
Severus tensed further, wishing that the Black sister would just leave. "That's not it."
"I remember when I first met him," Narcissa said reflectively as if Severus hadn't spoken. It was as if she were alone now, speaking to herself. Her voice had taken a wistful turn, an emotion that Severus had not imagined she was capable of. "I hated him then."
"You did?" Severus said incredulously, unable to stop himself. He had seen the way that Narcissa and Lucius looked at each other and he couldn't imagine them ever hating one another.
Narcissa spoke to him, but her blue eyes glazed over, as if she barely saw him. She gave a small, lilting laugh. "I don't think I ever hated anyone more than I hated Lucius. We hated each other."
"I can't see it."
"The first day we met, he pulled my hair and I broke his toy broomstick," Narcissa paused, a faint smile crossing her lips at the memory. "Our families constantly pushed us together. There weren't many pure bloods left, at least pure bloods our age that our families approved of."
For some inexplicable reason, Severus felt dread. But in spite of himself, he also felt a spark of interest. He had never heard Narcissa string so many words together, and there was something oddly intriguing about her. "Then what happened?"
"We grew up," Narcissa smiled wistfully. "He defended me and I finally saw that he wasn't the arrogant boy I had always thought he was."
Severus couldn't understand why, but he had the strange sensation that this story was very familiar. "Oh."
They fell into silence again, but it was a comfortable one that fit their quiet natures.
"Why did you tell me?" Severus asked.
"You needed someone to talk to," Narcissa said simply. "And so did I."
Severus didn't say anything, his heightened suspicion relenting at last. He had a distinct feeling that the Slytherin was telling the truth. They shared a strange understanding, one that he now understood perfectly, and one that he suspected that Narcissa had recognized. They restrained their emotions and treated the world around them coldly, but the few people they were close to, they truly cared about.
"I think I'll try to sleep now," Narcissa rose to her feet with her customary grace, her creamy blond hair still gleaming even as she stepped into the shadows. "Goodnight, Severus."
"Narcissa," Severus said suddenly.
Narcissa turned around. The gentle expression that had crept over her when she had been talking about Lucius had vanished. Her cold veneer had returned, her pretty face devoid of any emotion, any weakness.
"I like Potions," Severus began, unsure of why he was making the offer. "If you have trouble sleeping, I can brew you something that might help."
Narcissa smiled slightly, but unlike the previous times, this one was solely for him. "Lucius was right about you. I would like that."
As pale and airy as a ghost, she melted into the darkness. Severus stared after her blankly, her words replaying in his mind. It wasn't until she was gone that Severus realized that the beginning of the story reminded him of Potter and Lily.
1973
Professor Collingsworth may not have been the most cordial of teachers, but there was no denying that there was something fascinating about his lessons. Gryffindors and Slytherins alike were alert in their seats, watching the reserved teacher with avid curiosity.
"Boggarts are shape-shifters. Who can tell me what determines their form?" Collingsworth's narrowed eyes seemed to linger on each individual in the room, cool expectation and disapproval somehow merged together with his scrutiny.
Lily raised her hand, but Alice's shot up first. Collingsworth nodded toward her, expressionless.
"Boggarts take the form of something the victim fears," Alice spoke without skipping a beat. Her rapid words ran together, causing Wilkes and Rosier to snicker, but she paid them no mind.
"Not quite," Professor Collingsworth said without a trace of emotion. "Boggarts assume the form of the victim's very worst fear. In order to defeat it, we use a charm."
As the lecture continued, Lily's attention drifted sadly towards Severus. He seemed more and more distant every day, but she was glad to see that he was not huddled with the other Slytherins. Instead he was focused on the lecture, wearing a slight frown on concentration.
But just then, his coal black eyes met hers, and Lily thought, maybe, just maybe, everything would be all right. He held her gaze for a few more seconds with a startling intensity, his frown slowly turning up at the edges, his steely expression softening.
Lily gave a small, tentative smile in return. She wanted nothing more than to demand what he was hiding, but she knew he wouldn't tell her unless he wanted to. He would only deny it.
"Riddikulus," the class echoed in unison, causing Lily to snap back to reality. For some reason, they were standing up. Slightly late, she followed them, but from the way Collingsworth's eyes flashed towards her reprovingly, she was certain that he knew she hadn't been listening.
"When you see the boggart-" Professor Collingsworth began, but Lily froze. They were supposed to confront their worst fears? In front of everyone? She instinctively inched toward Severus, her hands suddenly clammy. Collingsworth seemed to be asking quite a lot of them.
Severus was watching her. "You'll do well," he whispered, close enough that his breath tickled her cheek. "Just remember, riddikulus."
Lily swallowed, moistening her lips with the tip of her tongue as she struggled to regain composure. Still trembling, she wondered the room had always been so cold. She didn't even know what her worst fear was, but she knew she didn't want to confront it.
Before the boggart in her mind could take shape, something burst out of the cabinet. Lily blinked, staring at what she supposed was the boggart. Only it didn't look frightening at all. It was a woman, pretty and slim, clad in Quidditch robes of pale blue. In her hands, she was waving a Cup jubilantly, grinning from ear to ear with pride.
"Oh no," Potter moaned in anguish, sounding more distraught than Lily had ever heard him. "France won the World Cup."
Lily didn't know whether to be disgusted or amused.
"Are you serious, James?" Lupin shook his head in dismay, but Lily could see his lips quivering as if he was trying desperately not to laugh. But then he caught himself and suddenly glared at Black, who was opening his mouth. "Don't even say it."
"Riddikulus!" A sharp cracking sound sliced through the air, vicious and triumphant, and the Quidditch player tripped, trophy falling from her arms. Potter beamed victoriously, stepping aside for Black.
Lily was expecting something equally as stupid as Potter, but Black's boggart startled her. It was a masked figure, draped in heavy black robes, curiously clutching its left forearm, only to abruptly release it. The pale hands darted toward its hood, slowly lifting its mask…
"Riddikulus!" Black bellowed with surprising fury. The cavalier boy who was one of the four masterminds behind the majority of mischief at Hogwarts was nowhere to be found. There was a brief yet almost horrifying expression of hatred, anger, and pain contorting his handsome features, all at once. Before the boggart's identity could be fully revealed, there was a cracking sound.
But Lily could have sworn that she saw the face of Regulus Black.
Lupin's boggart was an odd silvery orb that Lily couldn't quite make out. It puzzled her, but she could see that Severus was eyeing the form with a pensive frown. After Pettigrew took over the boggart, an astonishing likeness of Filch, Lily saw Lupin duck his head while Potter and Black exchanged cryptic glances.
It was Lily's turn. She closed her eyes and opened them to find herself looking at a creature she had never seen before, but somehow, it was eerily familiar. It was veiled under a black cloak, a hood concealing its face…if it had one. With dawning horror, Lily realized it was a dementor, the same creature that Severus had told her about many times. Shuddering, she cried out, "Riddikulus!"
Marlene's turn was next. As Lily went back to stand beside Severus, her knees weak with relief, there were sudden shouts and gasps. The eager and slightly nervous atmosphere had instantly transformed into one of pure terror. Lily looked around, still not fully recovered from her own boggart encounter, and paled at the ghastly sight that met her eyes.
It was a human male, or at least, Lily supposed he was. There was something not quite human about him, something almost snake-like. His waxy skin was taut over his twisted features, his slitted eyes crimson with blood… He was so harrowing, that Lily's hand automatically flew to Severus's.
"Riddikulus," Professor Collingsworth cut in grimly. He had hurtled across the room so quickly, that Lily had barely absorbed his appearance. With a sharp flick of his wand, the boggart erupted into smoke, translucent and curling, only to evaporate seconds later into nothingness.
"What was that?" Lily asked softly, but Marlene pressed her lips firmly together, shaking her head violently as if she was unable to speak. She blinked furiously, but Lily was certain that she saw a teardrop escape.
Lily scanned the room and she saw that nearly everyone was visibly shaken. Even the Slytherins looked jolted. Even more surprising were the Marauders' reactions. They were all ashen, with Pettigrew quivering. For once, Potter's hazel eyes lacked the mischievous sparkle. He looked…shocked, as if his entire world of Quidditch and jokes had come crashing down.
Lily twisted around to look at Severus questioningly. His jaw was set with grim determination and his black eyes seemed reluctant to lock with hers. "It was You-Know-Who."
It was then when Lily realized she was still holding his hand, so tightly that it was a wonder that she had not cut off his circulation. She dropped it, her emerald green eyes wide as she struggled to digest what she had just witnessed.
"I think it would be best to conclude this lesson for the day," Professor Collingsworth said in his usual detached voice. But when Lily looked at him, she was certain she could see fear in his eyes. It disturbed her. She knew it was only logical that the teachers would fear Voldemort too, but they were adults. Lily had once believed that once grown up, it was impossible to fear anything.
It was disconcerting to see the reality.
"I should see if Marlene is okay," Lily told Severus quietly with another glance at the quavering Gryffindor. "Do you want to come with me?"
Severus's dark eyes flickered from Marlene to the Slytherins. His face was indecipherable as he looked back at Lily, raking a hand through his black hair distractedly. "I can't. I'll meet you later, all right?"
Lily nodded, her throat tight. Somehow, she hadn't expected him to come along. Her heart heavy, she caught up with Marlene, who was flanked by a protective Alice and Mary.
"I couldn't believe I couldn't do it," Marlene's voice was shaking. Tears were now running freely down her cheeks. "But he looked so evil."
"No one blames you, Marlene," Mary said quietly.
"I don't even know what he was. I swear he isn't human," Marlene angrily wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "I hate him. I hate this war. I hate feeling this way."
"We all do," said Lily.
It was only then that she realized how true it was.