I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.
Chapter Thirty Seven – Divided
No one immediately moved to answer Alice's query. Emmett, Rosalie, and my parents were just gaping openly at her with goofy grins plastered across their features – a by-product of Jasper's sudden, uncontrollable joy. This was, by far, preferable to his uncontrollable despair, but could prove disastrous when he realized that Alice was not here to stay. The human girl, whose name I had by now gathered was Rachel after listening in on her phone conversation, was equally happy, but her happiness had more to do with the "big naked guy" outside. She was pleased that Jacob, revealed by her thoughts to be the brother she'd spoken of, was, for the time being at least, unharmed. Seth and Renesmee were both simply happy in general, as if they didn't need a reason to feel this way and so didn't question the emotion or its depth.
Jasper hadn't looked back up at Alice. She's not staying, she's not staying, she's not staying, don't get attached, she's not staying, she's not staying, he was repeating over and over in his mind. I should have given my brother more credit. He'd already worked out the fact that Alice wouldn't be staying here, and yet he was still this overcome with bliss simply knowing that she existed somewhere. I wished that I could be as selfless as he. The knowledge that Bella existed in many, many places was a comfort to me, but I still wanted her for myself. Still, filled as I currently was with this pleasant feeling, despite knowing that it was not my own, I couldn't help feeling a bit more optimistic about the Bella I'd left behind hours before. She would go on, probably forever, and would never need to feel sorrow or loss. It was true that she may never experience true happiness either, but she would also never be aware that she was missing anything or feel the desire for anything more than she had.
She would be content.
Perhaps that was enough.
Without receiving a response, Alice danced upstairs to fetch some clothing for Jacob, a fact for which I was somewhat grateful. No matter how happy everyone was at the moment, I doubted very much that Rachel would ever look fondly on the memory of the time her brother had waltzed fully nude into a house full of vampires and greeted her. I also found it less than appropriate for him to appear in such a manner before a small child.
In a flash, Alice had returned with a new outfit for me, as well as some clothes of Emmett's for Jacob to don. I muttered to her that a pair of shorts would have been enough, and she stuck her tongue out at me. Alice hadn't had as much experience dealing with the wolves as I, and she was unaware of their typical custom of walking around in nothing but shorts.
I excused myself to change out of my tattered, filthy, and blood-caked garments, transferring the contents of my pocket into the new jacket. I still had a sizeable sum of money, and I was sure that Alice had brought more along in her shiny red purse. She had probably brought identification for me as well, I realized, but I kept the passport and driver's license anyway in case I'd guessed wrong. Out of habit, I reached back into the pocket to retrieve my sole possession of importance, but instead of the worn bottle cap which I had left behind, my fingers closed around a battered piece of paper. I unfurled the note and read over it again, although I had, of course, committed the simple sentence to memory.
Edward's future is clear now.
It had been another Alice who had left this memento for me about another Edward, and yet the words contained profound new meaning. My future was with a Bella who was capable of loving me back, not the savage vampire who lived in the woods nearby. Tempted as I still was to send Jasper on his journey and tell Alice to go home without me, I knew that I had to press on. Somewhere, there was a Bella who needed me as I needed her. Perhaps it was Jasper's errant glee leading me to this new optimism, but I knew that the choice I'd made had been right.
I carefully refolded the piece of paper and placed it in the pocket of the new jacket Alice had brought, then tossed the scraps that had once been clothing into the garbage before returning to the living room. Jacob was standing tentatively in the doorway. He had gotten dressed much more quickly than I had, since he hadn't needed to pull off and dispose of any clothing, nor transfer the contents of one garment's pockets to another. Jasper's wave of happiness was reaching him, as evidenced by the way he bounced up and down on the balls of his feet while waiting to be formally invited inside.
"Hello Jacob," I greeted him pleasantly.
Jacob looked at me and grinned, then resumed staring at Renesmee. He then looked at me again, doing a double take. "Edward?" What the hell, how are you and Pixie alive?
I felt a goofy smile spread over my face. Jasper's emotions were extremely strong and he didn't seem to remember how to reign them in at all. "I'm sorry to disappoint you. I'm afraid you and your pack were, indeed, responsible for the deaths of both Edward and Alice. She and I are here from another timeline." Unsurprisingly, I felt no trepidation this time at revealing the details to people outside of my family. I had already revealed the same to Jacob numerous times, as well as to Seth on more than one occasion. Rachel was a new person being brought into the loop, but how could such a trivial thing really matter to me when everything in the world was just so happy?
Jacob's regret must have been extremely powerful, because he was able to feel a twinge of it even through the shell of pleasure that encompassed us all. "I'm sorry." He addressed his apology to me, which seemed extraordinarily funny.
Jasper, the source of my amusement and joy, had positioned himself next to Alice, but was still unwilling to touch her. If she's not real, I don't want to know it. I want to go on remembering this long after she's gone, he thought. He didn't want to spoil the illusion if his hand should pass through her. He hadn't been present for my explanation three months before, and I was sure that the others would have failed to see the point in filling him in on anything, or indeed, in saying or doing anything at all once they'd returned to the house under his dark cloud.
Rosalie was seated on the couch with Renesmee squirming delightedly in her lap. My sister's arms were wrapped around my counterpart's daughter from behind, protecting her instinctively from Jacob despite the blissful feeling that she, too, felt.
"Jacob Jacob Jacob!" the little girl sang out. She struggled, trying to loosen herself from Rosalie's protective grasp, but being only half vampire and quite small, she couldn't even come close to freeing herself from the much stronger Rosalie. Renesmee reached up with her right hand and touched Rosalie's cheek, projecting images into my sister's mind of how happy she was to see Jacob and how much fun they always had together.
Rosalie gasped in surprise. "The dog makes you happy?" She stared incredulously at the hybrid child, unable to deny the truth in what she'd been shown, but still not fully comprehending.
"Yes! Jacob is the best ever!" Renesmee's enthusiastic response captured the attention of everyone in the room, whether human, vampire, or wolf. "He tells me stories and sings me songs, he brings me stuffed animals and makes them dance for me. He takes me hunting and it's so fun! He's my favorite person in the whole world," she finished matter-of-factly.
Rosalie frowned slightly, her eyes darting uncomfortably to Emmett for support. Emmett shrugged his massive shoulders and made a beckoning motion toward the doorway. "Come on in, then," he told Jacob.
Jacob did not wait around to be asked a second time. He bolted inside at the fastest speed he was capable of managing while in human form and knelt in front of the couch at Rosalie's feet. He paid absolutely no mind to my sister. Renesmee was the only thing in the world that mattered to him. "Nessie, are you all right? You were gone so long and I was worried."
Renesmee giggled and placed her hand on Jacob's cheek, showing him what had taken place over the last several hours. "See? I was sad, and I didn't know why, but now I'm happy. Everybody's happy!"
It was true; everyone was still extraordinarily pleased. In the back of my mind, I knew that my family would never have considered allowing Jacob in the house, even after everything that had happened, if not for Jasper's shift in mood. Under this blinding bright light, they could see no reason to keep him away. Rosalie was still slightly wary, but she could see the quiet ease with which Renesmee and Jacob interacted.
"Jazz, Edward, let's go for a walk," Alice's request was meant to remove Jasper from the room so that everyone else could have a coherent conversation with regard to custody of Renesmee. Jasper was startled by her request and particularly by her insistence that I come along as well, but he readily agreed. I understood Alice's request even without the ability to read her mind. She wanted me to aid in the explanation of why we were there and the gift we would be bestowing upon Jasper. She also thought that it would be beneficial to the family's discussion if their decisions were not unduly influenced by the presence of either of their fallen members.
Ordinarily, it would have upset me that I was to miss the scene that would unfold, but it was actually imperative that I be present for the tale we were about to tell to Jasper. Loathe as I was to admit it, the decision of where Renesmee would live and how she would be permitted to see everyone who loved her was not mine to participate in. Under the circumstances, Jasper's future took precedence.
Once we had traveled a short distance from the house, Jasper found his voice once again. "Alice, it's great to see you. I heard what Edward said about you being from another timeline. I know that means you're leaving soon, but…" Jasper still couldn't contain his delight at seeing Alice.
"That's actually something we wanted to talk to you about," Alice said brightly.
At Jasper's confused expression and Alice's seeming reluctance to tell the portion of the story which was mine, I spoke up. "Jasper, the reason I'm traveling is because in our universe, I lost Bella." Jasper nodded wordlessly, indicating that I should continue. He had already suspected that Bella had something to do with this. "I was…" I paused, struggling to think of words to express what I'd undergone for three years before beginning this journey. "My mood was no different from yours."
Alice gasped. You felt that bad? She recalled all too clearly the blanket of anguish she'd felt outside moments before, smothering her with emptiness and threatening to never allow another happy thought into her mind, body, or soul again. I nodded to her in acknowledgement before continuing.
"The circumstances were a bit different, of course. It happened while I was already living apart from the rest of the family, and I simply didn't return. Without my presence to upset them, the rest of the family was able to create an apparatus which would permit travel between worlds. I had, and have, one goal in mind: To locate an Isabella Swan who is not already romantically involved and would be unopposed to becoming my mate. It is incredibly difficult, but it is also not without its rewards."
"That all sounds very interesting, Edward, and I'm sorry to interrupt, but what does any of this have to do with Alice?" Jasper was growing mildly impatient, but he was doing his best to push it aside and revel in his jubilance before it was taken from him once more.
"Alice is here," I told him, "to deliver an improved device to me. You see, when my family created the original device, it had limitations. I was never to be able to return home. The new device has an additional feature which allows for locking onto a specific universe's signature and returning to it. In other words, I will be able to return home. The unit will transport Alice and myself easily. This means that I no longer have use for the device I've been using up to this point," I informed him.
Jasper's brow furrowed in confusion, but after a moment he took in the impact of what I'd told him. A hand involuntarily fluttered to his mouth as he gasped. "You're going to let me—"
"Yes," Alice interrupted him. "If you want. But it's not pleasant at all," she warned him. For some reason I couldn't understand, Alice had begun frantically blocking her thoughts again when I'd spoken of the device and its additional feature. It seemed as if there were something she wasn't telling me about the improved device's specifications. I made a mental note to ask her about it later.
I hadn't thought it possible for Jasper's mood to lift any further, but he had found a new level of mirth I'd never experienced. All three of us bounced and skipped and clapped together. We must have looked quite ridiculous to any onlookers. Fortunately, the only audience we had was a squirrel, who instinctively darted up a tree upon our approach.
"Jasper," I tried to sound serious, or even neutral, but my voice came out as a sort of giggle. "When Alice said the experience isn't pleasant, she meant it. The pain that comes with shifting worlds is second only to the pain of transformation. In addition, you will never be able to return home with the device we give you."
"That's all right, that's all right!" Jasper cried out.
"Is it possible that there exists a universe where Alice lives and you do not?" I knew it was impossible that a world could exist where they had met but were not together.
"Yes," Jasper said slowly, thinking it over. "There were many fights I nearly lost. Many times when I would have lost if my enemies hadn't underestimated me. And I believe that Maria would have eventually killed me, if I hadn't left with Peter and Charlotte."
"You understand that it may take you years, even decades, to find such a place? Universe selection is completely random. So far, you have been alive in each universe I've visited."
"I understand. I have all the time in the world to look though. I'll never die without outside influence, and neither will Alice." For the briefest of moments, sadness overtook him again as he thought of his own fallen Alice. My sister squeezed his shoulder and his face brightened up again immediately.
For the next several minutes, I went over the rules with Jasper. Don't involve anyone outside of the family. Don't get caught. Don't do anything suspicious. I also added my speculations about the Volturi into the mix—my theory that knowledge of the device's existence could be enough to bring about the end of the world as we knew it and that extra caution should be used. Jasper was not quite as curious by nature as I, so he would likely move on quickly upon determining that his counterpart was alive in a given universe, not feeling any particular need to linger for further details about what made each place different from his own. I could hear his thoughts harkening back to his early days of discipline and goal-oriented focus. He would get in, and get out.
"One more thing," I added. "If I ever learn that you used this device to 'cheat' on your diet by killing a human in a universe where you knew that you, personally, could never be blamed…"
Alice piped up. "Your Alice wouldn't like that. And I promise you, she would find out eventually."
That was all of the motivation Jasper needed. "Gold eyes only, understood ma'am." A single slip-up could sabotage his chance at happiness, and so he would make certain that no slip-ups took place. Of course there was no guarantee that his discipline would be 100%, but it would be at least as good as it would be if he was planning to stay put. He would not like lives carelessly simply because the consequences to him would be lessened.
"Anything else I need to know?" Jasper was grinning, unable to stop. His happiness at seeing Alice wasn't nearly as fleeting as he'd believed it would be.
"Carlisle will need to remove my device from where it is implanted and place it into your skin," I told him. "It's slightly uncomfortable, but it's never caused me any serious distraction. It is, quite frankly, a very good thing that it's been implanted in that manner. In the last three months alone, it could have been broken countless times." I tried not to dwell on the reasons I'd spent three months in one place.
Jasper seemed suddenly fascinated by his own shoes. "So, Bella, she's…"
"Not Bella anymore," I finished firmly, making it clear with my tone of voice that the subject was closed. Mercifully, Jasper didn't press the subject further.
"So, can we go back and get the surgery underway?" Jasper was ready to begin immediately. I insisted that he should feed first, and we spent another half hour bounding around the woods happily, hunting whatever game we could find. We started back in the direction of the house, and even with the joy I felt, I couldn't help being slightly apprehensive about what type of agreement my family would have reached with Jacob.
When we entered the house, Renesemee was still present, curled up in a corner of the couch sleeping contentedly, but there was no sign of Jacob, Seth, or Rachel. Seeing the question in my eyes, Carlisle explained.
"Jacob is going to talk to Sam to work on drawing up a new treaty, since the original was more or less dissolved. Under the new terms, we would be permitted on Quileute land in order to drop off, pick up, or check on Renesmee. The remaining terms about biting a human would still apply, but Jacob agreed that the wording may have been a bit too restrictive in case an extenuating circumstance should ever arise where someone may have legitimate reason to request this life. In exchange for the loosening of some points of the treaty, we're being restricted to providing the pack with notice when we plan to move, as well as the location we intend to move to. Jacob will always move nearby. When Renesmee is old enough to make a decision for herself about where to live and whom to visit, the treaty will be redrawn again."
"You're going to let him keep seeing her after what he did?" Jasper's happiness faded slightly, a tinge of anger seeping into his emotional state.
"What he did was unforgivable," Esme spoke up. "But how does it help anything to make Renesmee miserable too? She wants to see him, and she wants to see us, and it's not something she's going to get over or forget about. We have to find a way to work together, for her sake."
"I also think I believe what he said," Emmett interjected. "I don't think he ever meant for any of us to die. Not that it excuses the fact that we lost nearly half our family," he added quickly. "But I'm positive he's not a danger to Renesmee."
"I have an announcement to make too," Jasper's voice carried a hint of sadness he didn't truly feel. "I'm leaving."
Carlisle and Esme were not shocked in the slightest, but they still wanted to be sure. "Are you certain?" Carlisle asked.
"I've never been more certain of anything," Jasper confirmed.
Secretly, Rosalie was relieved. She and Jasper had always gotten along amicably enough, but she hadn't been looking forward to resuming the despair in which she'd spent the past two years as soon as Alice and I left. She had also been wondering what kind of environment this was for Renesmee and had been considering how to keep Renesmee away from Jasper while still allowing her visitation with Jacob. Even with her distaste for the werewolf, she had been unable to deny that Renesmee's life would be profoundly negatively impacted if she weren't permitted to see him. Don't you dare say anything to him, she told me fiercely. I miss Alice too, and he's been through enough.
Rosalie wasn't the only one to feel a degree of relief at Jasper's impending departure. Carlisle, Esme, and Emmett were all pleased in varying quantities. Esme was sad to be losing yet another of her children, but happy that it was under much better circumstances. She'd seen that Jasper was suffering and was glad to know that it was, at last, at an end. Emmett would miss Jasper terribly, but he couldn't deny that life had been unbearable with him around since Alice's passing. He would always mourn his fallen family members, but now he would be able to try to move on and become the best surrogate father to Renesmee that he could be.
As for Carlisle, his thoughts were in turmoil. He shared many of the same feelings as the others. He was happy that Jasper's suffering was over at last, and sad to be losing him. Unlike the others, his thoughts were returning to the same place I'd seen them so many times, in so many universes. Carlisle was questioning whether he should have ever turned any of us in the first place, particularly me. It seemed that I'd had happiness for such a brief, fleeting time, and standing here before him was yet another version of me who was unhappy. Of course, Alice and Jasper would have still been vampires, but with Alice's gifts, they would have found one another, and probably found Carlisle and Esme as well. He had no doubt in his mind that he would have turned Esme in any event, taken by her as he was. Alice would still be alive if the circumstances had been different, and Jasper would have gone on for all time, blissfully unaware at how fragile his own contentment was. I blamed myself upon hearing these thoughts. If I'd never been here, Jasper would never have lost Alice. Carlisle, on the other hand, blamed himself. In his point of view, it had been his own selfishness and loneliness which had led him to rob from me my humanity and condemn me to this existence, where it seemed I might never find happiness.
After I explained the need for Carlisle's expertise, he and I moved into his lab along with Jasper and Alice. As I leaned back onto the small table for him to remove the device, I spoke to him quietly.
"I wish you weren't so regretful about changing me."
Carlisle's eyes, dark bronze from going longer than he should have without feeding, widened. I'm sorry, Edward. I don't regret any of the time we've spent together, and I certainly don't regret having had you in my life. I've just spent so many decades wondering if it was the right choice. For you. It was, without a doubt, the right choice for me.
"It was," I told him. "I would never have met Bella if you hadn't."
Carlisle nodded and swiftly completed the extraction, reaching out a hand for the improved device, which Alice obediently placed into it. Moments later, my skin was healed over once more. Jasper took my place and Carlisle implanted my original device under his skin in the same location. My brother didn't even notice the discomfort in his excited mindset.
"Thank you, Carlisle," I told him sincerely. "I wish all of you the best of luck. Alice and I need to get going now. We have much to do, and I also don't want to confuse Renesmee with my presence when she wakes up. I don't think she really registered who I was in all of the commotion, and I don't want to traumatize her."
Carlisle sighed, his shoulders slumping forward. "Of course," he said. "I knew I'd be saying goodbye to you again soon." I smiled sadly in response.
Alice leapt forward to embrace our father. "Goodbye, Carlisle. The five of you are going to be just fine."
"I know we will," Carlisle smiled at my sister. "The three of you have your own journey to undertake."
We returned to the living room and said a very emotional goodbye to Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett. Jasper would be sorely missed, and Alice and I were already sorely missed. It had been an incredible experience for all of them to see us again, but it had helped them to heal.
"Bella?" Esme whispered in my ear as I hugged her goodbye.
"There is no hope," I said simply. Esme gripped me harder and shook in sobs for her lost daughter before releasing me.
"Good luck, all of you," my mother said bravely.
"Jasper," Rosalie spoke up. "I'm so sorry about what happened to Alice."
"It wasn't your fault," Jasper replied.
"It was. It was my fault about what happened to Edward and Bella too," she said sadly.
"It was not your fault, Rosalie," Esme told her, moving to Rosalie's side to comfort her. "You did the very best you could with the information you had. No one blames you for anything that happened."
"Yeah Rose, and little Nessie is counting on you to be her mom!" Emmett added.
"I really, really hate that name," Rosalie seethed. "Renesmee is not the Loch Ness Monster."
Emmett chuckled at that. "Goodbye Jasper. Edward, Alice, it was good to see you again. Good luck, all of you."
This time, when I left the home, I did not go alone to the clearing. I was accompanied by Alice and Jasper. When we reached the area where I customarily shifted, I informed Jasper that I had always stood on the eastern end of the field, and I directed him to stand at the western end. That way, if we should ever encounter each other by chance, we would not be materializing into the same space at the same time. The odds were extremely unlikely, but it wasn't a chance worth taking. Jasper agreed with my assessment, then reached out to stroke Alice's cheek with his right hand.
"Goodbye Alice," he said softly, leaning down to rest his forehead on hers.
"You'll find me again," she said sweetly. She didn't flinch away from his touch, but she also made no motion to encourage it. She had her own Jasper at home, after all.
Jasper nodded and pulled himself, with great effort, away from Alice to march to the other end of the field. Alice reached for my left hand, and with my right, I input the code to whisk the two of us into the next universe. Alice lifted her own left hand to wave goodbye to Jasper, whose journey was now his own.