Little Readers,
When you guys come out of hiding it always makes me smile. I'm like… Oh there you are :P
Enjoy... I had a lot of feelings in this chapter... sorry :/
Court
CHAPTER 34
Beginning of Senior Year
You see unicorns and think imagination; I see unicorns and think reality
If you think about it, each second in which we live, is a new and unique moment that will never ever, be again. And what do we teach ourselves and those around us? We teach that two and two make four, that the four fathers founded America and that Paris is the city of lights and the capital of France. When is the time that we teach ourselves, what we are, and what we are capable of doing?
Maybe there should be a rule. That at least once a day, you have to stop a passing stranger and tell them how unique they are. That if some days it feels like everyone is completely the same, on the inside, everyone's their own tornado. Swirling to a different type of storm, because that's just the way it was all intended. You might not become the next Beethoven, or the next Shakespeare or be as well known as Michelangelo, but somewhere along the lines, you're going to mean a whole lot more to another person.
We should stop more, stop and say to someone that they have the capacity for anything.
"Quinn, how many times do I have to tell you to stop leaving that damn nose ring disinfectant crap in the bathroom,"
Quinn glanced sideways at her mother, as she bustled into the kitchen with her briefcase.
"Where are you going?"
Judy looked up from the bills that had been placed on the counter, "Where does it look like Quinn? I have court this morning,"
"But granddad needs to go see the doctor for one of his check ups,"
Judy stared at her, "How did you know that?"
Quinn shrugged, "Read your diary last night,"
Judy bit her lip, "Going through my personal things now are you? For Christ sake, this new image Quinn, I can somewhat tolerate, but raiding through my things?"
"BECAUSE YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING!"
"Oh and I suppose you win best child award do you?" Judy shot back.
Quinn stared at her, "What the hell is that suppose to mean?"
"It means this selfish out of control streak needs to end, you absolutely reek of smoke,"
Quinn wanted to laugh, "So suddenly I start experimenting and I'm the worst person in the world?"
"No you're the worst person in the world because you're hurting the people around you. For crying out loud those girls you've been hanging around with, what kind of a name is 'The Skanks?' you want to be associated with that?"
"You're not the perfect child either mother, granddad has a hospital check and you're choosing to bury yourself in work?"
Judy gritted your teeth, "For your information Quinn, I've taken my father to all his medical check ups…"
Quinn felt her insides roll over, how was she supposed to counter act this now?
"Your grandfather loves you, he thinks the absolute world of you, all this time you've been avoiding him Quinn, he thinks you've just been caught up in school work. Kurt even told him you dyed your hair pink because of a role in a school production,"
"Kurt's been speaking to him?"
Judy rolled her eyes, "Of course he has, god Quinn, Kurt looks up to your Pop, and there was a time he looked up to you too,"
"He can still…"
"You know what's so bizarre about this change Quinn? The part both your father and I just can't seem to understand? Is that we were all finally getting along. You and me you know, we weren't arguing as much, I'd finally worked out that Rachel was the one you wanted to be with, I thought things were good…"
"I just don't know what I'm doing…"
"Clearly," Judy retorted, "That poor girl probably thinks it's all her fault, I doubt she would like you very much right now…"
"You don't know what Rachel thinks…"
"Neither do you, so get your act together Quinn," Judy snapped, "Because to be frank, I don't like you very much right now either,"
Are you a mother?
Maybe not, maybe yes, but even if you aren't you'll never understand properly what its like to look into the face of your grown child and suddenly see the face of that same child, as though you had just given birth to them. Sometimes when you're parents look at you typing away on whatever social networking site you belong to, they can still remember those same fingers that would reach for theirs when crossing the road, they still remember those hands grasping at the strands of their own hair, trying to tug them that little bit closer. They look at you kicking a football across the field, playing for your school team and they still see those same legs, as they chased their run away three year old through the shopping mall.
You can scream at them, and you can yell, and you can tell them how much you sincerely hope that they will go away, but eventually you'll be sitting alone in your bedroom one night and you'll realize that everything your parents do for you, is because they just want you to have more of a chance at life, than they ever did. You catch up to your parents before they even know what's happening. One minute you're sneaking into their bedroom on Christmas morning because you've been waiting for Santa all week; and the next you're sleeping in, not wanting to be smothered in kisses by that one aunt. Have a little compassion for your parents, chances are, they weren't expecting to wake up in the morning, and their child now has their own opinions.
Quinn tossed the coffee mug in the sink, filled it with hot water, and then spread her arms against the bench, staring as the water sloshed around the rim, trying to calm itself. She really had been getting along with her mother, she had been finally understanding what it was like to have an adult conversation, to have the people who had raised her, look in her direction and ask her questions because they wanted her to be a part of the decision making. Now it just felt like she had taken ten steps back. Perhaps this was still the immaturity lying beneath the surface. She just needed that thing to beat it down again.
You know what's so intriguing about the human race? It's that if you take someone and you peel away the surface exterior, you swim through all that's between, when you reach the core, you find that we're all very similar. So how much alike was Quinn and her mother?
If Quinn laid any money on it, she'd probably be broke.
. . .
It's so crazy to think that you could ever hurt the person you love. What's even crazier is to realize that the person you hurt, loves you.
History will always repeat itself. It's been a long, never ending cycle, and its not changing anytime soon. Doors will always open, and doors will always be slammed in your face, but maybe that's the art of growing up. Working out which doors are going to stay open.
"Late for class?"
Quinn looked up from where she had been following her shadow along the pavement.
Mr Schuester had just stepped from his car.
"Class doesn't start for another 20 minutes,"
"I'm just joking Quinn, you use to smile at things like that,"
"Guess I just don't find them funny anymore,"
Mr Schuester sighed, 'There's a lot of things that you don't find funny anymore Quinn, it's almost like you've forgotten how to be happy,"
Quinn rolled her eyes, "Enjoy your day Schuester," she retorted.
"Quinn wait…" Mr Schuester called, "I just want to talk…"
"I don't have time," Quinn lied and she disappeared into the left wing building, and headed towards the junior girls bathrooms.
The first thing she smelt was smoke as she entered the girls bathroom, the first thing she saw however was Ronnie and Sheila holding a students head in the toilet bowl, while Mackenzie watched on from just outside the cubicle.
Mackenzie noticed Quinn walk in, "Took your time Fabray," she said.
"Yeah was dealing with my mother," she replied, glancing at the dried blood on her knuckles, Christ she hadn't hit them had she?
Mackenzie shrugged, "Haven't miss much, just telling Miss Motta, that if we don't get her lunch money, she'll be joining the sewer rats,"
"My Daddy will have you all expelled!"
Quinn heard the muffled voice from the cubicle, as it was slammed back into the water. It took her a moment to realize that this must be Sugar Motta, the transfer student.
"My Daddy gave your school all purple piano's!"
"Shut up Rich bitch!" Mackenzie yelled, "And give us your money!"
There's this ringing sound that you can ear in either very quiet areas, or in times of danger. It's like this buzz in your ear, a buzz that most people will say is this auditory illusion caused by the human condition of an inability to hear past certain frequency thresholds.
Perhaps this is in actual fact, very far from the truth. Perhaps this ringing you hear, is really something that no one can explain normally, so they chose to ignore it, blame it on science. If you're patient, you might be able to distinguish what these voices are. Voices whispering to each other, voices of the past, the present and the future, all whispering in secret codes never meant for our ears. Within good practice you might be able to distinguish the things they are saying. Yet usually no voice comes without a body, and if suddenly you start to notice them, suddenly they might just start to notice you.
So how would they react if they saw what was currently happening?
Quinn wondered if they would join in on the bullying, or whether they would try to stop it.
"Hello?" Mackenzie said, "I said who the fuck calls their kid Sugar, and you're ignoring me?"
Quinn cleared her throat, "Someone who's a diabetic?"
Mackenzie narrowed her eyes; "I swear to god you have voices in your head Quinn,"
Quinn looked at herself in the mirror, maybe these voices weren't in her head, maybe she was just the only one who had practiced long enough to hear them.
Suddenly the door was thrown open and a flash of a red jumpsuit could be seen moving to the cubicle. It ripped apart Sheila and Ronnie, and basically lifted Sugar out of the toilet bowl. Quinn watched as Coach Sylvester, pushed two halves of the skanks out of the way, grabbed a handful of paper towels and stuck them to Sugars face.
"Clean up candy cane, and get back to class,"
Sugar spat out the remaining of the toilet water in her mouth, which suddenly made Quinn feel violently ill and then looked at Quinn. For three split seconds, Quinn swore to god it was the same look Santana would give when she was plotting revenge.
"You will pay for this," she coughed, "I have asperges, I am not accountable for whatever I say or do to you…"
Quinn felt herself gulp a little, meanwhile Mackenzie just laughed. Sugar flipped her soaking wet hair and stalked from the bathroom.
Coach Sylvester glared at them all, "Skanks," she nodded, "I gotta talk to that lady alone," and she pointed at Quinn.
The girls rolled their eyes and walked in the same direction Sugar had, as she lit up another cigarette, Quinn heard Sheila mutter that they should chase Sugar.
"First of all," Sue said, reaching and whipping the cigarette from Quinn's lips, "Smoking kills,"
Quinn watched as she threw it into the bathroom sink, and turned the water over it, washing the nicotine away.
"Second, it really does make you look cooler," the way she said it was so sarcastic Quinn could see it drip from her mouth; she reached over and took the packet from her hands and pocketed it.
Quinn huffed, they were Mackenzie stash, "Sorry coach, but you have no power over me anymore,"
Quinn stared in the mirror, looked directly at herself and added, "Cause I've got nothing left to lose,"
Do you ever know that you're lying to yourself? You stare at yourself in the mirror and you look into your own eyes and you say, 'yes, I'm happy' even if it's so far from the truth? You're directly lying to yourself and yet you can't control it. Almost like your own self-conscious is trying to tell you that this is wrong, and the way you're acting is wrong, and yet still, you choose to stand in front of that mirror, and lie to yourself.
"Oh Q," Sue muttered, and it was the first time she'd heard someone say that in so long, "I look at you and I'm stunned, you've never looked worst…"
"Chat roulette doesn't think so," Quinn smirked.
Sue rolled her eyes, "That's the most pathetic thing I've heard all day,"
Quinn bit her lip. She'd been on there once, and she'd shut her laptop down after four seconds, again she was lying, but why for?
"You lost your child, in these very bathrooms actually, you changed your partner preference, your poor little Grandpop, you lost your rep and worst your high pony…"
Quinn could feel the anger as it wound its way through her stomach, crawling through the walls of her throat, ready to lash out in this verbal assault but something was holding her back, could it be that Coach was speaking the truth?
"You know who I blame?"
Me, Quinn thought.
"Glee club,"
Not the answer she was expecting.
"You know when you were in my grasp," she continued, "You were at the top of the pyramid but then you joined the Glee club and became lost… forced to sway in the background," she did this over the top dramatic sway that looked so much like a dying bird it made Quinn cringe, "Will Schuester never did appreciate the gentle tremble of your thin forgettable alto,"
"Thanks," Quinn spat sarcastically.
Coach's Sylvester's eyes seemed to light up when she saw the anger in her voice, "What if I were to offer you the chance to get revenge on the Glee club and you would become a star?"
But Quinn didn't actually want revenge on the Glee Club. She wanted revenge on Alzheimer's disease and the piece of crap fate that was doing this. She wanted revenge on everything BUT the Glee Club. She felt like this little lost lamb you know, with no one to guide her home, and here was this figurehead in her life, giving her a path to walk down.
Choose a path you don't want? Or have no path?
That's always the fucking question isn't it?
"My congressional campaign is producing a video…" she raised her arms in another stupid over dramatic effect, "A day in the life of a girl from whom the arts stole everything…"
Sue stared at her, "I think I found my girl…"
Quinn bit her lip, "I really can't be bothered Coach," she said.
"Oh Q, you're not bothered for much these days, at least be a little bothered to expose the truth?"
"You know absolutely nothing about me," Quinn sneered, "Just back off," She could feel them, those tears that she had managed to store away. They were surfacing and there wasn't a chance in hell she was going to break down in front of Coach Sylvester. She pushed past her and ran from the bathroom.
Consequently, she ran directly into Kurt and sent his books flying. Quinn could barely see, those tears had welled, and it felt like all the walls were crashing down.
"I'm sorry," she murmured, reaching for the binder and trying to pick up it from the floor.
"My word you look worst than Judy Dench when she played the Queen,"
Quinn couldn't even respond, she hadn't even seen that movie.
"QUINN!" Sue was calling, "Quinn it's the arts, come back!"
"Quickly," Kurt sighed, picking her up off the ground and dragging her down the corridor.
"You know, you really have to pick whose side you're on," he said, as they spilled into the open courtyard, "My Dads fighting her on congress too… not that you would know, but we want to stop Sue Sylvester once and for all,"
The sun had pretty much blinded her; Quinn realized she must have dropped those sunglasses she had been wearing as though they were a religion; back in the corridor. Jesus they were Mackenzie's, she was going to kill her.
"You still see Pop," Quinn blurted out without even bothering to answer his statement.
Kurt stood, hand on one hip, arm holding his books, glaring at her, "Well one of us has to," he replied.
Quinn looked at him, "Kurt I am just trying to figure everything out okay,"
"I don't particularly care what you're trying to do Quinn, I swear if I have to spend one more night on the phone with Rachel as she cries herself to sleep, or one more night with Santana screaming through skype, I might actually jump off some type of bridge," he folded his arms, "Well not literally, but you don't even care how this affects anyone else, I need to get into NYADA, and all this…" he did a little circle motion with his hand in front of Quinn, "Is distracting me,"
Quinn handed him his math's book that she had picked up, "I think you and Rachel will get into NYADA,"
Kurt sighed a little, "It's very competitive Little B, like there's so much talent out there you know. We went on a little field trip a week ago, and witnessed a performance by this junior Harmony… I swear she's like this Tyrannosaurus Rex meets Celene Dion… it's terrifying."
Kurt and Quinn seemed to catch themselves for a moment, not realizing that it was almost like nothing had happened, that they had been talking and going on as normal this entire time. Quinn didn't want to let it go just yet, not before she got out what she needed to say.
"You're one of a kind Kurt, there's no one else like you…"
He stared at her a moment, "Your girlfriend said the same thing, you know I think her ambition does push ups in her sleep,"
Quinn laughed slightly, that was Rachel down to a tee.
"Either that or she sleep sings,"
Quinn half melted, "No she does that," she responded, "In Santorini I would wake up and she'd be singing we found love, it was all disjointed though,"
Kurt grinned, "Oh I can absolutely use this against her,"
They smiled at each other for a moment, Quinn feeling a little tentative because she didn't know what to say next.
"Fabray what the fuck? Why did you let Head Lesbian In Charge take my smokes, you're paying for the next lot,"
"That's very creative of you Mack," Kurt said icily, "Using the word LIC in a pet name?"
Mackenzie seethed, "Shut up faggot,"
Quinn immediately stepped in front of him, "Take that back Mackenzie," she said staring at her.
Mackenzie laughed, "You're going to do this Fabray? You owe me smokes, move your fucking ass,"
"Little B," Kurt slightly pleaded.
"Go back to class Kurt," Quinn said softly, "You'll be safe there,"
"Oh for crying out loud," he answered annoyed.
"Just GO!" she replied.
You know when someone ghost walks you? They walk as closely as possible to your heels, so it feels like you are literally being haunted? Coach Sylvester had spent the week doing just that, to the point Quinn would probably commit murder if she just didn't do what she asked. She spent three hours following her around the school, doing things that were supposed to mimic a hard ass, but in reality Mackenzie had just been teasing her the whole time; and Becky was inquiring why she looked like a flamingo.
This is what being honest with yourself feels like, its raw and its fresh. There are three little words that aren't used as much as what they should be. Three little words that most people just use out of habit or expectation without realising just what they truly mean. But when you say them, and when you mean them, you might just find an incredible sense of comfort wash over you, and then you have to stop yourself because it feels so wondrous that you're quite scared you may become addicted.
These words people rarely use? These words that Quinn would say and not believe?
I am me.
She took a deep breath, pushed Coach Sylvester's hand out of her face trying to apply some orange foundation and walked into Mr Schuester's office.
"Mr Schue, I just came in here to give you a piece of my mind…"
Will looked up from where he had been grading papers no doubt, "What's going on here?" he asked looking from Becky with her audio headphones and Sue with an old digital camera, "Quinn its after school hours, you should be at home doing homework…"
Quinn pressed on with what Coach had told her to do, "I use to have everything," Christ that was so true, "I was the captain of the Cheerios, I was the prettiest and most popular girl in school… until I joined glee club and it all went to hell…"
"Dynamite," Coach Sylvester muttered, one eye staying open by the camera in her face.
"I just want you to know that I'm never coming back to Glee club," Quinn continued, "I hope you're happy,"
Quinn went to leave the room, until Mr Schuester called after her for the second time this week.
"Miss Fabray wait,"
Turning slightly, for the first time in a long time, Quinn met his eyes with hers.
Mr Schuester glared at her, "You know there's only one person in this world you care about and that's yourself…"
"You have know idea what I am going through, you don't know what happens at home…"
Mr Schuester shook his head, "And you think you're the only one with problems do you Quinn, but that's okay, claim that you're a train wreck… congratulations!"
"Screw you," she replied angrily.
Mr Schuester sighed, crossing his arms across his desk, "You're not a little girl anymore Quinn. How long do you plan on playing the victim card?"
"I am a victim," she answered, "Of Glee Club!" that was not in the script and that was something she didn't even mean.
"You know lately, you've done nothing but try to sabotage the same glee club that's always been there for you over and over again…" he glanced at Sue and shook his head, "And where's the thank you Quinn? The thank you for the support you received through the miscarriage, when you decided you wanted to be with Rachel, and now your grandfather?"
Quinn wanted to run.
"They are your friends Quinn, who care about you, who want you back. Rachel is my lead in this club, and seeing her as big of a mess as she is, is affecting the entire club,"
"Oh that's right, just live your failed broad way dreams through a school club,"
For the first time in her life, she saw a streak of anger flash through her teachers eyes, "GROW UP!" he yelled, slamming his fist on the oak of his desk, "Just grow up Quinn!"
Those words seem to leap over the table and hit her in the face, Coach Sylvester was encouraging more, and yet Quinn simply did what she should have done in the first place.
She walked away.
. . .
If you've ever walked around a school campus after hours, either because you've had detention, you've been draining a teacher for all those extra tips for higher marks, or you've been busy with extra curricular activities; you might liken it to a graveyard. Everything is so eerily silent.
Everything except your own steps, trying to find where you belong in this school.
"You're Quinn aren't you?"
Quinn looked up from where she had been trailing the sunlight disappearing out into the school courtyard, to see a woman with brunette hair flowing over her shoulders, purple business like dress, high heels and the splitting imagine of Rachel.
"You're Rachel's girlfriend?"
"Shelby," Quinn muttered, god she had completely forgotten what she looked like.
"You got a second Quinn? I promise I wont be long, I've got papers to mark anyway," she smiled slightly opening the door to the classroom she had been teaching in all day.
"Didn't think I'd ever see you teaching at McKinley, why would you want to give up Vocal Adrenaline?"
Shelby sighed slightly, sitting herself on the edge of the desk and watching as Quinn circled one of the student desks, not sure whether to sit down.
"One Al Motta demanded I take the position of another Vocalist here at McKinley, try to train his tone deaf daughter," Shelby smiled to herself, "Never repeat that,"
"I watched the Skanks shove Sugars head in a toilet bowl this morning and we took her money," Quinn replied staring at the ground.
"Yes she informed me of that actually, said she thought now she sounded like Dory from Finding Nemo, although I don't think she's aware Dory couldn't sing either…"
Quinn looked at her, "Why are you really here? To make amends with Rachel? Because…"
"It doesn't really matter about me Quinn, I'm not the one with pink hair, tell me, are you okay? What's going on with you?"
"Why would you care what's going on with me? You have no idea who I am…"
"Well actually," she sighed, "Rachel talks about you so often I don't know whether to hate you or like you…"
"Rachel talks to you?"
"We're working on being friends actually, considering Rachel was raised by her fathers,"
"You gave her up," Quinn seethed, "You gave her up at the drop of a hat!"
"I was around the same age you fell pregnant Quinn, I was scared and I was lost, and at the time, I would gladly have taken a miscarriage…"
Quinn stared at her, she felt her stomach leave her body and spill out onto the floor.
"Until I actually held Rachel, held that tiny piece of life in my arms and realized that I would be giving it to two people who would cherish her with absolutely everything they ever had…"
How was this the same? Quinn didn't have a choice, never got the chance to hold that child.
"You know to a certain point they trust you with that same life you know… so what are you doing?"
"I don't know," Quinn responded and she realized that she'd just spilt the truth in front of a complete stranger.
"Don't you want those feelings back Quinn?" Shelby quizzed, "Don't you want to be in love again?"
Quinn looked at her, "Those feelings never left,"
"So what are you doing then Quinn? Why are you acting like this? Lashing out at all your friends?" Shelby responded, "God the way Rachel speaks about you, the way she describes those letters in the beginning, the way she describes your first real conversation, finding out that it was you, and then hearing your real voice…"
"I don't understand," Quinn responded softly, Rachel had known what her voice sounded like from the beginning.
"Your real voice Quinn, the voice that's been inside you this entire time,"
Maybe that's what life is about, you wait for that person who you could listen to for hours. That person who is going to have a real conversation with you, make you laugh, make you feel a little lost when you hang up the phone. Some people settle, they nod and say yes to being with someone because they feel lonely. Everyone just wants someone, but don't settle for a someone that isn't going to make your heart beat. Don't settle for someone who doesn't make you smile when you hear his or her voice, don't settle for someone that you can't go a day without thinking about.
Wait for them. They're coming.
Quinn had hers. She had hers right here and she was ruining everything.
"Can I tell you something Quinn, even if you don't want to here it?" Shelby asked, "The first step to becoming an adult, is to stop punishing yourself for things you did when you were a child,"
Quinn glared at her.
"The miscarriage, your grandfather, none of these things are your fault Quinn, when are you going to start realising this?"
"Please don't lecture me, I've had more than enough today," she snapped, "You have no fucking idea who I am,"
"Well, you better start being someone who I'd want to date my daughter,"
"Your daughter?" Quinn seethed, " I thought we just established that she's the same daughter you gave away?"
Shelby stared at her.
"You think you can just show up in Rachel's life after seventeen years or so and claim to be here for her? Claim to be helping her with her lost girlfriend,"
"Crazy girlfriend," Shelby shrugged.
Quinn bit her lip, "You know nothing about us,"
"And you do at the moment Quinn? Do you have any idea how Rachel is feeling, her thoughts on college, how her school work is going, how Glee Club is?"
Quinn wanted to launch at her, just tackle her or something, just belt out her anger because she was so fed up with everything. But then she noticed it, sitting on Shelby's desk. The same locket Quinn had bought for Rachel when they had been together a year.
"What is that?" she demanded.
Shelby glanced at the locket on her desk, "Rachel asked me to fix it, she said she had tried for so long to get it open so she could place a picture inside…"
"A picture of what?" Quinn asked.
Shelby bit her lip, before searching through the papers on her desk to find what Quinn had asked for. She handed her the small cut out photo and Quinn's eyes lay firmly fixated to it for more moments than she could count. A photo, taken just after they'd told Quinn's parents that they were together.
"I can love you in front of the world now," Rachel had whispered.
"I love you more than the world," Quinn had responded.
"You're the sky and she's the comet," Shelby said softly, "Somewhere along the lines you collided and now you've got to make a decision Quinn, you want to keep her in the sky? Or you want to let her fall?"
Quinn felt her leave the room, but she was too lost in the photo, they were so happy, they were so in love. There was nothing she could do, Quinn just cried.
You know what, sometimes you don't need reasons to dramatically change. Sometimes it can be for no reason at all, the point being, is that you've just lost yourself. Why do you need to explain to anyone why one day you suddenly decided to wake up and change the way you dress? Or the colour of your hair, or put a few piercings here and there, or decide you're going to speak in third person for a week. It's something that you're dealing with in yourself; it's something that might have happened really quickly, or something that's been a long time coming. Regardless you don't need to explain yourself, all that matters, is that you find your way home again.
"Did you know you're a unicorn?"
Quinn looked up from where she had been lying on the bleachers. The skanks were nowhere, and she was glad, because she couldn't deal with them right now. Brittany was standing above her; this huge photo shopped poster of Kurt and a unicorn.
"I'm a what Britts?"
"A unicorn," she smiled, "We're all unicorns,"
Quinn was confused, "Won't you get in trouble for speaking to me?"
Brittany shrugged, "I still love you Quinn, and you're still a Musketeer," and she smiled softly, "Just don't tell Santana that because she'll get mad, she's just really proud,"
"Britt I just…"
"You don't have to explain to me," she replied, "It's probably too confusing and I won't understand anyway, but you should accept you're inner unicorn Quinn, because unicorns are awesome,"
Quinn smirked softly.
"And also Quinn unicorns don't have pink manes, well not the real ones… sometimes they can be rainbow… but I think that's only when they marry leprechauns…"
"Can I ask why Kurt is on that poster?"
"He's running for Student president," she smiled, "Glee club is all helping him, we don't want the jock club winning, because otherwise they will probably say no songs in the hallways… which means I won't be able to dance, which means Julliard scouts won't see me,"
Quinn looked at her, "Julliard scouts?"
"Yeah," Brittany smiled, "They come from time to time, peek in at Glee Club and stuff… I think they really like Santana… and one said I was a good dancer… but I still thought the capital of Ohio was O…. so I think I have to work on that…"
Quinn sighed, "I was meant to help you this year wasn't I,"
Brittany sucked on her lips a little, "Yeah no one understands history and English like you do Quinn, Santana just throws the books across the room and makes out with me instead… not that I mind or anything… but if I don't go to Julliard… I will have to make out with Lord Tubbington…"
Quinn cringed, but even so she felt more horrible than that what she already did.
"Out of all the kids in this school Quinn, I think you are the biggest unicorn,"
Quinn smirked, "You do, do you?"
"Well a unicorn is someone who always finds their way back home, someone whose not afraid to be who they are, I know you'll come back Q," Brittany smiled, "You always do,"
. . .
Here's thing, when your in high school, days seem like weeks, months seem like years, and well, an entire term, that just feels like forever. It's because when you're that young, surrounded by people wanting to experiment with similar types of moments, it feels like your whole lifetime is centered around high school. So if someone in your grade, or even someone whom you've never had any direct contact with, suddenly decides to change every aspect of themselves in the space of five minutes without any warning, it shouldn't be considered weird, and it definitely shouldn't be considered unrealistic, or a disappointment, because to this person, maybe this change feels as though its been boiling for a decade.
Quinn waited patiently by the steps of the school, knowing that on Wednesdays Rachel usually spent half an hour after school hours quizzing Ms Pillsbury on how to ensure she would get into NYADA.
Sure enough she saw her emerging from the school entrance, with her binder book and backpack.
"Smalls,"
Rachel reacted as though that name was like someone driving a wedge through her soul.
"Quinn," she stammered, "Jesus Quinn, what are you doing?"
"I need your keys," she replied, reaching in towards Rachel's pockets and snatching them.
"Have you lost your mind?"
"No, I want to talk to you,"
"Well maybe you should have done that three weeks ago Quinn!"
Quinn stalked over to Rachel's car and pulled open the door, indicating for Rachel to get inside.
"What are you doing?" Rachel demanded.
"Get in the car Rach?"
"You're stealing my car now?"
"Get in the car!" Quinn repeated.
Rachel grumbled as she piled in next to her, "I swear if you so much as put a scratch on Daddy's…"
"As if I don't drive this all the time," Quinn responded, she had so much energy right now, she couldn't believe where it was all coming from.
"Used to," Rachel muttered as Quinn pulled out of the parking lot and headed around the corner.
"You are acting insane," Rachel responded.
"I saw the locket, Shelby cornered me,"
"She what?" Rachel responded.
"I need you to understand where I'm coming from, I need you to understand why I've been acting like this…"
"Quinn you don't even know yourself…"
"But I know us," she answered, turning the corner too quickly.
"Quinn slow down," Rachel said, "And no you don't know us, because if knew us, you would never have left me…"
Quinn looked sideways at her, "I want to come home Rachel,"
Rachel seemed unconvinced and then suddenly, "QUINN!"
It all happened so quickly; the ball flew into the windscreen as though it had been a bird. Quinn swerved to miss the oncoming car and slammed into a set of garbage cans. She heard crunching, and then the airbags inflated, and Rachel was lost amongst them.
There was no time to process what had happened, because before Quinn could speak, the door had been flung open and Puck was dragging Rachel out.
"You've fucking lost it," he yelled at Quinn.
"Rachel," she stammered.
"You know its lucky I stalk Shelby, and saw sense to follow you… you think you're fucking Vin Diesel or something yeah?"
"Smalls," Quinn said, releasing her door and stumbling onto the ground, "Rachel please…"
"Stay away from her," Puck growled bundling Rachel who seemed so winded and taking her back to his car.
You know when there's nothing else left to do? What do you normally do? Nothing? Anything? Everything?
Well, Quinn ran.
. . .
Like all the moments in her life, the ones where she felt so lost, so guilty and so out of place, she always ended up at the one place she felt solitude.
At Pops.
"There's my granddaughter," Arthur smiled from the porch, "Haven't been around for a while,"
Quinn trailed her way up the steps, before collapsing into her grandfather's arms in a huge overdrawn and over needed sobbing mess.
"Sweetheart," Arthur soothed, "It's okay. We'll get the blonde back… it looks much better as well,"
Quinn couldn't even answer him she was crying so hard, and the tears were stinging, they were stinging because every inch of her body ached with tension, with guilt and with all the feelings that you just don't want to feel.
"I've ruined everything,"
Arthur stroked her hair, as Quinn cried into his shoulder, "That's impossible, I think you can fix your self, you found your way back here didn't you?"
Quinn sat up slightly to look at him, "No Pop, I did something really bad,"
Arthur frowned a little, "As bad as that hole in your nose?"
"I nearly killed Rachel,"
Arthur sat up right, "Miss Berry?"
Oh thank god today was a good day, and she didn't have to explain she was dating a girl all over again.
"Yes, I hurt her,"
"Oh Quinnie," he smiled slightly, "Couples fight you know,"
Quinn shook her head, "I was driving too fast and there was this ball… and we…"
Suddenly Arthur looked alarmed, "Quinnie what did you do?"
"We sort of crashed, but the airbags,…she's so small… and Puck…"
"Oh Quinnie are you hurt?"
"Only in my heart," she whimpered.
Arthur sighed, "Well I'm sure Mr Puckerman knows a thing or two about car accidents, the ruddy hoon with that old boyfriend of yours… driving around late at night here…"
"They look after Rachel more than what I do lately," she whispered.
"Quinnie," Arthur said after a moment, rubbing his chin, "Kurtis popped in the other day, and well, the other week I thought he was the mail boy,"
Quinn sighed, "It's okay granddad, Kurt will keep coming over even if you threaten to call the cops because you think he's some dancing canary trying to steal from you…"
Arthur snorted with laughter, "Was that Quinn being funny?"
She smirked slightly.
"No he mentioned something I found a little interesting, about how my granddaughter went and got a tattoo…"
Quinn turned white, "Pop, I don't even know what…"
"What did you get?"
Quinn stared at her grandfather, his eyes were so bright it was almost as if he was beside himself with excitement.
"Quinnie I've always wanted one… but I never did… show me yours!"
Quinn laughed, he was here, this was her Pop, for the first time in so long he was actually here with her.
She turned a little, and lifted her shirt to expose the lower half of her back, after a while her grandfather hummed slightly.
"Two stars Quinn? Linked?"
Quinn cleared her throat, "One is me and one is Rachel, because she's the only star that manages to find me when I'm lost in the sky…"
Arthur smiled broadly, "Fantastic, see, you go about changing your whole image Quinn and yet you still seem to retain the things that mean the most to you…"
Quinn nodded, hanging her head for a moment.
"That's a lot like memory Quinn, suddenly memories start to change, and images become a little fuzzy, but the things that mean the most to us have a funny way staying clear,"
"Will I always stay clear to you Pop?"
"As clear as day Quinnie, I told you this already…"
"But what if…"
"Come now, I can't believe that the whole reason for this big change was because of me, and if it was well, you're making me feel more guilty than I would like to..."
"I just wanted you to remember me,"
"And…?"
Quinn sighed, "I was so sick of being that girl who had the miscarriage you know. Sure everyone got passed it, but when Hugh was born it made me think of all the things I've accomplished… not much,"
Arthur looked a little taken aback, "That pink die went into your brain cells didn't it Quinnie?"
"Grandad I wanted to be someone else! I wanted to be someone dangerous, someone that people wouldn't look at and be like, there's that sad girl who lost a baby, and now loves girls, and now loves one girl in particular…"
"Quinn Fabray," Arthur said sternly, "How old are you?"
"Eighteen in a month,"
"Precisely, so at present you are seventeen years of age?"
Quinn looked at him, and nodded frowning, not understanding his point.
"You think seventeen year olds conquer the world do you?"
Quinn sighed, "Pop… I just…"
"No Quinn, when I was eighteen I'd been to war, I'd seen my closest friends being ripped to shreds in front of me, and I'd met the love of my life, but never, never in my wildest dreams did I ever believe that I had seen all there was that life had to offer,"
Quinn toyed with her hem lining.
"You young people these days, you just rush, you want to accomplish everything and anything in the space of five minutes and then when you don't, you think you're failures…"
"But that's because…"
"No Quinnie, you are a senior, finishing high school, and that is what you should be, not this person that feels she owes something to the world, not this person that feels as though she needs to change everything she stands for just because she's trying to figure out who she is…" Arthur sighed a little, shifting in the chair, "You're so young Quinnie, you have a life time ahead of you, and in ten or 30 or 50 years, you're going to have more moments than you can possibly imagine, why would you want to try and rush those?"
"To be someone Granddad, I just want to be someone…"
"You ARE someone!" he said shaking her a little, "You are Quinn Fabray, you're my granddaughter, your brave and intelligent and not this…. What do you kids call it… punk ass?"
Quinn laughed.
"You have a beautiful girlfriend, who sings Rain on my Parade like a goddess and who absolutely idolizes you Quinnie, why would you want to trade that to be someone she's afraid of?"
Perhaps that's how humans reinvent themselves you know. One day you blink and suddenly the person you were the other day, might not necessarily be the person you're going to be tomorrow.
Today was a little better. Quinn had woken up at 7am, gone for a run, gone to a doctors appointment with her mother and Pop and then walked to school. Sure she could have driven, but walking felt so much better. And now she was just about to confront someone, that she owed an apology to, the only problem, was she didn't know just what words would do that.
Santana was laughing at Brittany as she rambled about this big number she wanted to plan for the school assembly, staring at her as though she was the only person in the bathroom. They weren't alone though; Sugar was swaying in the sunlight. She was so odd; Quinn didn't know what to do with her.
Quinn cleared her throat, causing Santana to turn around. Brittany's eyes had immediately brightened. Quinn wished she could say the same for Santana.
"I'm sorry are we interrupting your morning drag?" she replied.
"I knew you were a drag Queen!" Sugar gasped, to which Santana rolled her eyes.
Quinn held up the bottle of hair dye she had bought at the supermarket before school, "Wash it out?" she asked softly, pointing to her head.
Santana stared at the bottle of hair dye in Quinn's hand.
"Oh may I make you drink it?" Sugar asked.
"Be quiet mini me…" Santana responded.
"Mini me?" Quinn asked, staring at her.
"Oh you know, new protégé… she does whatever I want,"
Sugar beamed, "Yesterday I attacked Jewfro with tomato sauce,"
Quinn sighed, "I'll help you take care of the kid?"
Sugar opened her mouth to protest but Brittany silence her, wrapping her arms around her shoulder, "Shhh little kitty… I'll give you your saucepan and milk later…"
"Britt that's not a ca…."
"She's half Burmese, half Japanese fighting cat," Santana interrupted raising her eyebrows and Quinn nodded.
"Blonde's have more fun," Santana shrugged, "And by that I mean Britts never lets me down…"
Quinn nodded, taking a light step forward, "You wont drown me will you,"
Santana smirked, "I thought about it," she grinned.
She took the bottle from Quinn's hand, "But I do need some help… I can't explain the difference between salt and pepper to one person let alone two…"
Quinn exhaled slightly, maybe this bathroom had become the one place in the school, where she had lost and won.
. . .
Later in the day, Quinn found a letter sitting on her car dashboard, even from a mile away she would always recognize that same adorable hand writing. Trying to fight away whatever emotion she hadn't already compressed, Quinn opened the envelope and read her girlfriend's words.
When you love someone Fives, you don't try to stop them from taking care of you. I love taking care of you, and I love you taking care of me. But The South side of Anywhere isn't here anymore, it's almost like someone has come and put this huge blanket over it, and now its invisible to us. I want to meet you there, but I don't know if you really will be waiting. Maybe we should try and take things slow again…just be friends? Maybe we should do what we did in the beginning. Write back Quinn, I want you to try and find me again.
God, was she too late to start over?
Maybe it really was about finding what they had in those letters again; maybe it's about speaking words through song lyrics. Have you ever done that? When you can't find your own words you use lyrics or music to guide you. Sometimes music on a page makes more sense than words do, but then again, isn't everything just a certain type of language?
Perhaps we look up towards the sky and we pick a star that we think is blinking at us. We go for days thinking about it, nights wanting to hear its voice, and dozens of moments wanting to just run your hand over it; to only stop one day and think what if this star isn't shining for me? What if this star is shining for someone else? That's just it though isn't it; you don't want to pick another star, not even when it's blatantly obvious there are millions to choose from. You trace their outlines, you scan your eyes over them and still the only star you want is the one you've already picked. You hope that it's shining for you, you hope that maybe it's thinking the same thing.
But then who makes the journey?
Do you fly to the star or does the star fall to you?
Quinn had her shining star. She'd had it shining for her for so long. She just needed to figure out how to make Rachel shine for her again.