Song: "Alone," by Heart. (Or Celine Dion, haha.)
A/N: Well, first off, this is dedicated to one of my best buddies, BillatWork. He asked for this song a long, long time ago, and I always had trouble thinking of a storyline. But I finally did, so here it is! :)
I've been trying to work with the characters as they are now, and it's been giving me a little bit of trouble, so this isn't my longest or my most creative. But I still think it's a nice piece of fluff for the holiday! Although I warn you that this story disregards 3.07.
Speaking of the holiday, Happy early Anna Howard Shaw Day! :P
I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here; the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
Sarah Walker, finding sleep elusive tonight, props herself up on an elbow and gazes at her empty room. She's been alone all her life, and it's never bothered her before. But ever since Barstow, since Ellie and Awesome's wedding, since Prague, she's longed for something so much more than what she's had to settle for.
It's been nearly eight months since then, and what has she to show for it? She's made no progress, personally or professionally. She's doing the same work she was then, and she's stuck behind the same emotional walls she's built, only they're sturdier, stronger now.
Fleetingly, she thinks of calling Chuck, of meeting him for a late-night chat, but she knows no good will come of it. They can't offer each other any more than friendship right now. With a sigh, she slides out of bed and slips on a pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt. Since she won't be getting any sleep tonight, she may as well catch up on some paperwork.
One thing she doesn't expect, though, is for Shaw to be awake when she gets to Castle. It's past two in the morning; he should be asleep. But he's sitting at the table, engrossed in his own files. He looks up, his eyes bleary, as she walks down the steps.
"Couldn't sleep?" he asks.
Sarah takes a seat across from him with a shake of her head. He slides a file over to her, an implicit request for help, and she takes it gratefully, glad to have something else to concentrate on.
A few moments go by in silence before he says, "I was just about to go for a coffee run. Want anything?"
She looks up. "Yeah, a coffee'd be great."
"Sure, I'll be back in ten," he smiles. As he ascends the stairs, he looks back and says, "Then we can talk about why you can't sleep."
Sarah watches him warily, but he's already turned away. She has no desire to talk to Daniel Shaw about her personal problems, but then she remembers the wedding ring.
Maybe Daniel Shaw is the one person in the world who could actually understand.
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh, I hope that it won't end though
Alone
Sarah follows with a sigh as Shaw leads her across the plaza the next day. He wants to talk to her privately, but he also wants lunch apparently. A hint of misgiving threads its way through her veins as she realizes where he's headed – Lou's.
"Are you sure you want to eat here?" she asks, just as he reaches for the door handle.
Shaw looks back at her, a gleam in his eye. "I think I know where I want to eat," he answers. Opening the door for her, he continues, "They have excellent pastrami. Have you had it?"
She refrains from answering as she sweeps by him and into the sandwich shop. When Shaw directs her to the sit-down side, any hope that they could grab sandwiches and run flies out the window. Unfortunately, this obviously isn't Sarah's day, because a cute, petite brunette walks up to their table.
"Afternoon," she smiles. "Can I get you something to – Sarah!"
Sarah looks up reluctantly, straight into the waitress's surprised face. "Hi, Lou," she says weakly.
"What a surprise! What are you doing here?" Lou's eyes flicker between Sarah and Shaw. "You're not . . . on a date, are you?"
"Oh, no," Sarah says, laughing nervously. "Definitely not."
And dammit, why can't she keep her cool around this girl?
Shaw simply smiles and explains, "This is a business lunch. Right, Sarah?"
Lou, appraising her, asks, "So you're still with Chuck?"
Sarah tries to keep her smile in place as she lets out a shaky breath. "Uh, it's complicated."
"Of course it is," Lou laughs. "It's Chuck, after all. Anyways, what can I get you to drink?"
"Coffee is fine, thanks."
"I'll have the same," Shaw chimes in, and Lou walks off to grab their drink orders.
Sarah, her mouth contorted in embarrassment and ire, stares at the menu and pointedly refuses to look at Shaw. If he wants to talk to her, let him talk. But she's here for lunch.
A maddening smile on his face, Shaw begins, "Speaking of Chuck, we need to talk about him."
"What about him?"
"I know how you feel about each other."
"Oh, you do?" she replies nonchalantly, eyes skimming over the sandwich items.
"You don't have to skirt around it like this, you know," he says, and even without lifting her eyes, she swears she can hear the smirk in his voice.
Setting the menu down on the table with a soft slap, she looks up, her mouth set in a thin line. "Why don't you just tell me the point of this, then?"
"Fine." He sits back in the booth and gazes at her. "The Intersect only works when you're around."
"What are you talking about?" she asks, genuine confusion in her voice.
"Come on," he says, crossing his arms, "I've watched you together for weeks. The Intersect's faulty, sure, but the one thing I've noticed beyond a doubt is that it always works when you're there, or when Chuck thinks you're in danger."
Sarah sits back against the booth and thinks back over the past two months. She thinks of the time in Mexico, when he'd flashed on the zip line, the same thing he'd apparently had trouble with in training. She remembers the time at Carina's "engagement" party, when he'd flashed on the laser system only after she'd promised they could talk. She recalls last week when he'd flashed on a cell's underwater pressure system to get her out of captivity.
"You realize it now, don't you?" he asks.
Sighing, she looks over at him. "So what's this mean?"
"Do I really have to spell it out for you?" Shaw smiles. "Fine. In order to get the Intersect up to full functioning capacity, you're going to need to be with him as much as possible, at least on missions. You'll also need to be in a good place with each other, no mooning over each other or making googly eyes when the other isn't looking." Sarah scoffs quietly, but Shaw continues, "You understand? For this to work, you can't be Chuck's handler anymore. You have to be his partner. Will you be able to handle that? Will you be able to trust him?"
Hesitantly, Sarah nibbles at the corner of her lower lip before answering, "There's no one I trust more than Chuck." She swallows. "But how is this going to work? I can't just . . . I can't walk up to him and ask him out. It's not that simple with Chuck."
"Trust me," he chuckles. "I've got a plan. This'll work."
Lou brings out their coffee, gives them a few more moments to decide. Sarah takes a slow sip of coffee.
He's an agent now, and there are no rules against fraternization between fellow agents. Besides, Shaw has basically just given them permission to start a relationship, what they've been biding their time for since this all began.
So why is she so afraid?
"Why are you so invested in this?" she asks quietly.
"Because you're my team," he replies simply. "You've already got an outstanding track record. But imagine how unstoppable we could be if the Intersect would stop glitching." Shaw pauses dramatically before adding, "That's the key to defeating the Ring."
It occurs to Sarah that the Ring is everything to Daniel Shaw. Even if the situation were completely different, and Sarah had no feelings for Chuck, Shaw would still force this. He'd put taking down the Ring above personal feelings, and the vicious cycle of seduction and deception would continue unabated. But Sarah stops those thoughts abruptly. It's not like that. She has real, genuine feelings for Chuck. If she didn't, the misunderstanding in Prague never would have happened.
And he never would have broken her heart.
A part of her is terrified that he'll do it again, that she'll hand her heart over only to have him shatter it.
"What if I say 'no'?" she asks.
"Come on, Sarah," he urges, a smile playing over his lips. But when she doesn't respond, he sobers and says thoughtfully, "We're kindred spirits, I think. I lost someone very close to me. . . And I can't stand by and watch the two of you push each other away like this, not when each moment could be the last."
She's never heard him speak so passionately, and if even a spy like Daniel Shaw is supportive of a relationship, then shouldn't she at least give that some merit?
She lets out a sigh, and lets out the tension in her shoulders. "So how would this work? The CIA would sanction our relationship?"
"Yes. As long as the team's performance improved. So you see, everyone wins." He takes a sip of coffee, scrutinizing her over the rim of the mug. "So what do you say, Sarah?"
She's quiet for a moment, contemplating. She wants this. She's wanted it for two-and-a-half years now, ever since that night he'd teased her about suffering through her kiss. For two-and-a-half years, love's been within their grasp, but they've been too afraid to reach out and seize it.
Isn't it time to take what they deserve?
After swallowing a sip of coffee, Sarah looks up to meet Shaw's gaze. "Okay," she says quietly, "so what's the plan?"
Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone?
How do I get you alone?
"This was your plan?" Sarah shouts at a shirtless, supine Shaw as she watches Chuck storm out of her hotel room.
Shaw rubs his chin, but when he sits up and looks at her, there's an unmistakable sparkle in his eye. "It's working," he says. "Trust me."
"You keep saying that," she tells him, exasperated, "but why should I?" With a scoff, she walks across the room and grabs the ice bucket from the dresser.
"What are you doing?" he asks, eyes wide.
"You just got punched. I'm going to get you ice."
Shaw shakes his head and says vehemently, "No, you can't. You have to go after Chuck. I didn't think I'd have to explain to you that part of the plan."
Sarah stares at him, ready to argue, but something clicks in her brain. Chuck's probably in the lobby by now, and there's no way she can let this opportunity slip between her fingers. Shoving the ice bucket into his hands, she says quickly, "There's an ice machine in the hallway!" and races out of the room.
Too impatient to wait for the elevator, she throws open the door to the stairs and runs down them two at a time. She finds him in the parking lot, walking quickly toward his car, his shoulders slightly hunched like he wants to disappear into himself.
"Chuck!" she calls, but he ignores her. Catching up to him as he makes it to the Herder, she grabs a hold of his arm. "Chuck!"
Scowling, he finally turns to face her.
She runs a hand through her hair as she regains her breath. "Chuck, I . . ."
"Look, you don't have to explain, Sarah," he replies coldly. "I get it."
And the thing is, he doesn't. He doesn't get it at all. And she hates the way he always thinks he does, hates the way he never lets her get a word in edgewise.
Still panting from her race down the stairs, she nevertheless manages to say, "No. No, Chuck. You don't get it. There's nothing going on between Shaw and me."
"Oh, really? Is that why he was in your apartment without a shirt and – oh, yeah! – kissing you?"
She crosses her arms. "Why do you care, Chuck?"
He shuts his mouth and looks away. They're at one of their many impasses again, and she wants to growl in frustration. But that won't help. Nothing will. Nothing except . . . Without a warning, she launches herself at him and kisses him, her hands gently grasping his face. Chuck, stunned at first, takes a moment to respond. But when he does, she staggers with the force of his kiss. He wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her close, suddenly insatiable.
She's speechless when they break apart, staring at him to discern his reaction.
Hesitantly, he licks his lips and asks, "Are you confused? Because I'm a little bit confused right now."
"Chuck . . . " She runs a hand through her hair and takes a deep breath.
"Do you ever feel like we're just going around in circles?" he asks as he leans against the hood of the Nerd Herder.
"Yes," she admits, "all the time."
He sighs, his shoulders slumping. "So what do we do about it?"
"How about going on a date with me?" she asks with a nervous laugh.
Chuck, surprise on his face, stands up straight and says, "Are you serious? Isn't that . . . against the rules?"
"It doesn't have to be." She takes a tentative step forward, gently grasps his hand. "We're both agents now. We can make this work."
"I thought . . . I thought you didn't . . ."
Sarah hops up onto the hood of the car with a sigh. "I was angry at you, Chuck, angry at what this life makes of us."
"And I hurt you," he adds softly as he slides up beside her.
"Yeah," she admits, "you did."
He takes her hand. "I'm sorry. I never meant to."
She sighs. They've been through this so many times now, enough to send her head spinning, and she just wants it all to stop. They deserve a real future together. If only they could just figure this out . . .
Turning to him, she smiles. "What do you say we start over?" she asks.
"Like, a third date?" he asks with a timid grin.
"Or a third first date?" she laughs.
"And this'll just be us, right?" he asks. "No bad guys, no surprises, no reassignments come morning?"
"No," she promises, leaning forward to cup his cheek. "Just us."
"Okay," Chuck agrees with a laugh.
Smiling, she inclines her head and brushes her lips over his. Chuck slides a hand to her neck, tangling his fingers into her hair and running his thumb along the underside of her jaw.
She gently teases his lips before pulling back and saying, "I'll swing by around seven."
You don't know how long I have waited
And I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
And my love for you is still unknown
Alone
She hasn't been to his apartment since Ellie and Awesome moved across the courtyard, but not much has changed. Morgan is a surprisingly neat housemate, and he is getting Chuck to eat better, so maybe the boys are growing up after all.
Chuck, a grin on his face, welcomes her inside. Once she's in, she can see the dinner set-up on the table – two plates, wine glasses, a candle in between.
"We're staying in tonight?" she asks as he takes her jacket.
"Given our track record with first dates, I thought it was best. Less chance of getting shot at," he laughs.
Smiling, Sarah strolls over to the table and rests her hands on the back of a chair. He shuffles nervously toward her, and she can't fight the fluttering in her stomach. After two and a half years of waiting, it's hard to trust this. The rational part of her keeps insisting that this is all just a crazy dream, that she'll wake up tomorrow and realize that she doesn't deserve this at all. But he's right in front of her, his smell intoxicating, his warmth addicting, and she's finding it hard to pull away.
Sliding her arms around his neck, she drags him close and whispers, "Is this real?"
"It can't be," he replies quietly, a smile tugging at his lips. "But don't wake me up."
And before she can think, before she can breathe, his lips are on hers, gentle, coaxing. She feels as if she's floating and drowning at the same time – floating on air, drowning in him. And the strange thing is, for once in her life, she doesn't care that she's losing control. She's diving off a precipice, freefalling straight into the unknown, but it's okay because she can feel the wind in her hair, and the sun on her face, and she knows he's waiting to catch her.
Sarah pecks him once more on the lips before taking his hand and pulling him toward the table. She sweeps her gaze over the dinner and raises a brow. "So, you cooked for me?"
"Well," he shrugs, "just hamburgers. Nothing special."
"Still, thank you. It's not very often that someone cooks for me."
"Well, after you taste this, you may decide to keep it that way," he chuckles as he pulls out a chair for her.
"And Morgan?" she queries slowly, sitting down.
There's a grin on his face when he sits down beside her. Leaning close to her, he says, "Out for the night."
"Oh, really?" she drawls. "And who would have tipped him off?"
Laughing softly, Chuck tilts his head and brushes his lips over hers. But before she can give herself over to the kiss, her cell phone goes off, the tinkling sounds of the ring tone audible from her purse sitting on the floor. Chuck's iPhone, lying on the dining room table, goes off at the same time. She digs her phone from her purse to look at the screen.
It's Casey.
She glances up at Chuck with a frown.
"Shaw," he says, answering her unasked question.
Sarah stands up with a heavy sigh, grasps his hand, and says, "Duty calls."
Till now I always got by on my own Alone
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone?
How do I get you alone?
How do I get you alone?
How do I get you alone?
Alone
"Great job tonight, team," Shaw declares as they shuffle exhaustedly down the Castle stairs.
Their boss slings his duffel onto the table and slumps into a chair, holding a baggie of frozen yogurt to his mouth. In addition to the black eye Chuck gave him this morning, he's sporting a fat lip from tonight's mission.
Casey, Chuck, and Sarah claim seats around the table. The mission hadn't been difficult, but Chuck's unusually quiet. Uncharacteristically, Sarah lets her mind drift to where she and Chuck would be right now if this mission hadn't come up, and Casey probably just doesn't feel like talking.
"I mean it, guys," Shaw continues when he gets no response. "Especially you, Chuck. I've never seen the Intersect work so efficiently."
Chuck, who's lounging back in his chair and looking up at the ceiling, finally looks at Shaw. "Oh, thanks. Yeah, I guess something just clicked. Finally, right?" he laughs.
Casey grunts, a hint of a smirk on his face.
Shaw shoots Sarah a meaningful look. "Yeah," he says to Chuck, his eyes still on Sarah, "something must have clicked." Smiling, he looks around and says, "All right, crew, I'm tired and need some sleep. So get outta here. Go get some rest."
Back at his apartment, she and Chuck crawl in through the window and slide into his bed. She hasn't slept beside him since the motel in Barstow, but being next to him feels so natural that she doesn't question it, doesn't have to.
Chuck, an arm around her waist, pulls her against him and buries his face in her neck. "This is going to be hard, isn't it?" he murmurs. "I mean, beings spies, being together . . . it's not exactly going to be a piece of cake."
"No," she answers with a frown, "but being here, with you, makes me think it's going to be worth it."
She means it, because two years ago, she never would have believed this was possible. She never would have entertained the notion of a real life, a real relationship. She was married to her job, and that was enough. It took Chuck walking into her life to realize everything she was missing out on.
She flips around to face him and tangles her fingers into his hair.
He smiles. "Yeah, me, too."
And when he brushes his lips against hers, she can't help but feel that every single second has been worth it. Because after twenty-nine years, she no longer feels so alone.