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Chapter Thirty-Five

"Those things which are precious are saved only by sacrifice."

- David Kenyon Webster

30 June – Friday – Jasper's POV

"Carlisle," I begged as we sat in my father's study. How could I always turn into such a little child while around him? What quality did he possess that made all of us want him to fix everything? Perhaps it was never-ending patience and support, regardless; I wanted him to make everything right. "Can't you change Bella's mind, please!"

I could read that emotion in his gaze: he wanted to make things right for me, taking away all my pain and heartache. He wanted to provide me with only happiness, but he knew it would happen. Venom filled his right eye as he looked away; failure was running off him in waves. It never got easier for him.

"Jasper, you know I cannot." His voice held defeat. Like Bella, he understood her decision and supported her, just as he had done for me years previous. "We have our free will, Jasper, and I cannot take that away from her – even for you, my son." His eyes were filled with tender love.

My head fell down, weighed down by Bella's decision and my inability to change her mind. Next to me, I could hear her choking sobs. She knew how I felt, but the girl could be stubborn when pushed. I had to admire her tenacity, no matter how much I wanted her to bend to my will.

"Isabella," Carlisle spoke softly, there was hardly any room left in his office, emotions were thicker than solid mahogany. "Will you not change your mind?"I was amazed that he could hold all the feeling from his voice. I knew what Carlisle wanted for Isabella, it reflected my own desire, but he completely withheld it. His inflection was natural, if not a little strained. I knew it was years of being a doctor and practicing bedside manners that had perfected his professional voice.

"We've discussed this already, and I stand firm." He nodded in understanding. Carlisle would not ask again, no matter how much I pleaded for him to. It would make no difference in the end; I could feel Bella's devotion to her resolution. "Could you leave us, Carlisle?" I could feel his unease with the situation. I hadn't been the most stable of people, and he didn't want to leave Bella with me. I wanted to growl at his feeling, but withheld. I couldn't fault him in wanting to protect her. My father had a very soft spot for her. I gave him a quick shake of my head, telling him that I would be fine and controlled.

When we had first arrived in Carlisle's office, I lashed out at Bella. However, no matter how much I had yelled and raved for her to change her mind, she sat still, taking my abuse and scorn. I didn't know where she found the strength to weather my temper tantrum. She just gave me sad smiles.

"Of course, little love. I shan't be far." He then turned to me before releasing his emotions. It was his silent conversation.

Don't make me regret this decision, his emotions said. I gave a stiff head shake. He let out a shaky breath, gave Bella a reassuring smile, and quit the room.

Before I could even contemplate what to say, Bella dropped out of her chair and kneeled before me. I went to go catch her, but she just lifted her hands. She halted my actions. I sat back down, reluctantly, trying not to huff like a little brat. For the first time since we had arrived at the Cullen's, she cracked a smile. Her hands came to rest on my upper thighs. Tingles erupted over my skin at the seemingly innocent touches. My angel's face was flushed; her cheeks were painted with crimson. Her little fingers rubbed my thighs as she drew in a deep breath. I wondered, morbidly, how many breaths she had left.

"I never wanted to be a burden on you, my love," she murmured tenderly. I went to refute her statement but she shook her head. My face morphed into one of rout. "After you told me of your past and how much you had fought to obtain control, I promised myself to keep you pure in that respect. How could I, ever in good conscious or love, ask you to end my life?" she pleaded desperately. Each word she spoke was infused with distraught. I didn't have a reply for her this time. I could understand where she was coming from.

Bella understood that thing that had plagued me for decades: the deep and abiding struggle with my internal demon. She had never wanted to be the reason or cause of a relapse.

"But I love you," I argued pathetically. And like I knew she would, she threw the same argument back at me.

"As I you, Jasper, but what makes your love greater than mine? What makes your decision more important or meaningful than mine? Yes, you have the capacity to feel more, quantitatively, as a vampire, but I still love you, too; with everything inside me." Fucking hell, I could not argue that with logic.

I could rant and scream, "But I'm a vampire, I'm older so therefore know more." Those were inane arguments that had no bearing on her personal free-will to choose. My hands fisted in my hair, wanting to pull the curly locks out with all my might. I hated this fucking emotional anguish.

Bella surprised me by pulling my knees apart, scooting closer even still to me, removing my hands from my hair, and kissing each finger individually. Warmth spread through my entire body, I quivered from the sudden change. It was a glorious rush. My angel surprised me once more by putting her wrist at my mouth and waiting for me to take action. She was waiting for me to bite her. When I didn't respond she spoke.

"I'm not as strong as you, Jasper." I nodded dumbly. "That gives you the power to take my decision away. Could you do that to me, completely disregard my not wanting to be changed and then skin your razor-sharp teeth into me?" Her voice shook with the scared feelings she had.

I didn't know what she was scared of, but I was also terrified. Many times, I had thought of doing just that, taking her life by force, but always back downed. She was right; I never had that right to take her life without permission, no matter how much l loved her with everything in me. My love for her threatened to consume me at times, but I always welcomed the change.

"Why?" I asked again, already knowing what her answer would be. Bella pulled her wrist from my mouth, but I stopped her. I inhaled deeply before allowing my wet tongue to taste the fragile skin. The damage my teeth could do. My demon all but crooned at the thought. Bella whimpered in delight. No matter our problems, she still enjoyed my touch immensely.

"Because . . . I want to wait till the very end to be changed, Jasper. I don't want you to ever regret taking my life. I want it to happen naturally, so no one could ever blame you for ending me." The argument could have been called insane, ridiculous. But, I knew it to be sound. I just didn't want Bella to suffer.

"You already have enough in your life to atone for, my love, and I don't want to be one of those things. It was as I told Carlisle: I don't want you to kill me, but save me. That's why, Jasper. Because when my heart stops from my body being weak and frail, it will be your venom that brings me back. You wouldn't have "killed" me, Jasper, but gave me eternity. Does that make any sense?"

It made perfect sense, but that didn't mean I had to like her decision. The girl was a fucking martyr to her last breath (literally). She had always put me above herself and I had the audacity to call her selfish. She was better than me in every way imaginable.

"I don't want you to suffer," I mumbled weakly, grabbing her hand and molding it around my cheek. She sighed.

"That is going to happen regardless, my love. The burn of the venom will see to that." I knew she didn't say that to be cruel but realistic. I felt myself falling even more into her logic.

"What is a little more pain along that journey," she tried to joke, but I growled. I didn't like her making light of her pain. She stroked my cheek gently. "It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I cannot have you seeking absolution for my eventual death, Jasper. It is inevitable. At least with the Cancer, it's nature's way of taking me, almost as if it realizing the enormous decision I would have to make. I have Cheyenne and I understand the first year to be very hard. I'll be nothing but a blood-thirsty machine. That would be a difficult decision for me to make, Jasper. Between becoming a vampire or staying human for my daughter; just so I can be around to raise her. Now, however, that decision has been taken. Nature has made the choice, and I will hold my chin up and walk calmly to the end. You know why, my love?" she asked, tears glistening in her orbs. I just stared at her glorious face, already know the response.

"Because . . . you'll be there to save me." Her voice fluttered straight to my unbeaten heart.

I couldn't stand the separation any longer. I hauled her into my lap and crushed her into my embrace. Her salty-water splashed onto my neck and I welcomed the warm tears. They were my cleansing.

"Till I exist no longer, angel," I whimpered over her lips. Salt mixed in with our combined taste as I devoured her lips. Her moans and gasps filled the air in Carlisle's study. We both pulled away, lacking oxygen. "Every cell in my body exists for you, my love." My lips brushed over every inch of exposed skin on her neck and collarbone.

"C-Can you accept my decision, Jasper, even if you don't fully understand?" Her voice was breathy, and I knew my lips were having a major effect on her lungs. I halfheartedly pulled back, breaking the delicious contact.

"Yes, Isabella," I conceded. "A martyr to the very end, hmm, my love?"

"Only for the most worthy of causes," she spoke with conviction. And once again she had bested me with her response, and I was completely floored. "It will only be the end but for a moment. Your venom will soon coat my veins, and we will no longer be separated." That was the only thought that was getting me through this period.

…

"Hello, my darling," Bella cooed at our daughter. Pudgy, flushed cheeks touched Bella's lips as she kissed Cheye. Mother and daughter cuddled on the couch in the living room. Carlisle and I watched them with a sad sort of smile touching the corners of our mouths. I could see the moving understanding written in his amber gaze. I could only imagine it reflected my own perfectly.

Cheye continued her baby babble in between her little yawns. She had just woken up from her nap and surprisingly demanded Bella's arms. She usually wanted me after waking up, but I rejoiced, internally, that Cheye had chosen her mother at that point. It gave Bella hope and even more of a fighting cause; not that our love wasn't enough.

The front door finally opened and in walked Esme, Rosie, Emmett and Edward. I immediately guarded my thoughts. Edward would find out with everyone else. I moved my eyes over to Bella and watched as she clung to our daughter a little tighter. Cheye, seeming to understand her mother's needs, buried her little face in her neck and snuggled in closely. The heart strings pulled hard at the hauntingly beautiful image.

"What's wrong?" Rose immediately asked, her voice quavered a little. She was never one for patience, not that I couldn't blame her. When Bella and I had first arrived, after seeking Carlisle out, he had ordered everyone to leave. Now that they were back, the truth was about to be released. I shook from the fall out.

Bella inhaled deeply and kissed our daughter's neck. I knew her to be taking comfort from our little beauty.

"Carlisle." Rose turned her attention to him when her question went unanswered.

Edward took his usual spot by the door that led into his piano room, standing on the periphery. He would run to that instrument. I understood it; however, it gave him comfort and who was I to scorn that. Esme was seated next to Carlisle, wrapped in his sure embrace. She already had unshed venom on her eyes. I had always wished she could cry. I hated that the venom stung her forgiving eyes. Emmett and Rose were seated together across from Bella and me. Rose was on the edge of the couch, and her husband had his arms around her waist. It looked like he was trying to hold her from falling off the edge; and damn, did I hope he had a good hold.

"Darling," Esme questioned next, studying her lover intently.

"We have some news," the head of the family finally spoke. "Choices have already been made, and I implore you to accept them. This family has weathered some astounding things, and we will continue to do so. This won't be the last challenge we shall ever face as a family." He stopped abruptly. I knew he had to gather his emotions.

Edward did not understand. He knew both Carlisle and I were protecting our thoughts. There was no possibility of him reading my angel's. Emmett was also feeling confused, but it didn't radiate as deeply as his wife. That didn't signify he didn't care, just that he was lost in the explanation. Esme was starting to panic. She knew that her husband didn't bloviate, so when he cautioned us, it was of a most serious nature. Rose was the worst. She was almost at a full-blown panic. She may have looked in control, but I knew she was about to fall emotionally. My angel was her best friend, the person who had loved her from the start, no questions asked. She would fall almost as much as I had.

Rose ignored everyone this time and turned her glassy gaze on her sister. She had known all along that it pertained to Bella.

"Bella, please, I can't take this anymore. Tell me, sister." Her voice held the raw emotion that was swirling around the room. Edward's shock hit me hard. He only thought Rose as vain and self-centered. Even though she was those things, there had always been more to her. Bella had seen it from the start. I could only imagine what Edward was thinking and how our sister looked in that moment: emotionally exposed.

My angel kissed our daughter lovingly once more before getting up and handing her to Carlisle. The room was evocatively silent, only filled with the sound of Bella and Cheye's heart thumping out of sync. I held onto those sounds, especially Bella's. I knew hers were shortly numbered.

Edward gasped, and I fucking kicked myself for slipping.

"Please, Carlisle, take her upstairs," she begged. Things were heating up.

"What's wrong?" Rose questioned again, this time she sounded like something someone scraped from the ground. I was suffocating under everyone's emotions. They weighed on me greatly. Bella pulled away from Carlisle and waited until he was upstairs before walking over to Rose and kneeling in front of her. She had done the same thing to me. It was as if she were in supplication.

I looked over at Edward and could see he was also about to be torn down. He was in shock. Emmett's arms tightened even more around Rose. I feared he was the only thing keeping her from falling off the couch.

"R-Rosie," Bella stammered. Her lips were already shaking. Salt filled the air as her tears fell. "I have c-c-cancer." Both Esme and Rose inhaled deeply. I was surprised they hadn't ripped their lungs open with the force in which they inhaled. Esme fell to the side of the couch, she started to sob uncontrollably. Edward ran over to her and pulled our mother into his unsteady arms. Bella shot her an apologizing look, and I broke for my love. She had nothing to be sorry for. It was the nature of this world.

"NO, BELLA!" Rose yelled before throwing herself into her sister's arms. My eyes were filling at an alarming rate; the burn had my sockets scorching.

…

Bella's POV

My arms were instantly filled with my sister, my best friend. I had known that it was going to be painful telling Rosie, but I had grossly underestimated the agony it would be. I landed on my butt as Rose crashed into me. I welcomed the embrace, cherishing the times we had spent together as sisters. My hands became tangled in her hair as I pulled her closer to me. Both of our bodies shook in unison. I not only cried for me, but for Rosie's heartache. I never wanted to disappoint her, and here I had torn her down. I would never have thought I would see the strong and impervious Rose fall to anything. It wasn't that I didn't think she had that deep capacity. That wasn't the issue at all. I just always saw her as strong, able to weather anything the world threw at her. I envied her like that.

I winced through my tears as she slumped even more against me. Her sobs had not abated, but seemed even worse. I moved my legs so they weren't so squished by her weight. Once they were placed on either side of her, I was able to adjust more comfortably. I pulled her head down to my shoulder and pushed her hair back from her face. Rosie's cheeks may not have been flushed from her sobs, but they were incredibly wet from my own tears. My shaky right hand wiped at the grimy water. It was how I had always pictured my mother holding me if I had needed such comfort.

My sister continued to mumble, "Not Bella, please, not my sister." It was exceedingly more pain to watch her than when I had even found out. It wasn't me breaking down, but my best friend. She was sobbing on my behalf about the "unfairness" to which she thought I had been given.

"Shh, sister," I tried to sooth. "It'll be fine." It was the mantra I kept repeating to myself.

Eventually, she pulled back and looked at me with a variety of emotions. There was the ever present sadness that lingered in my life and the regret on my behalf. But there was also something there that I'd prepared myself for: betrayal.

"Why?" she asked. I knew with no trouble what she was asking. It had been the same question that had fallen from my love's lips.

"Because, Rosie," I told her seriously, making sure to look directly into her eyes. I placed my hand on her hard, stone face. "It was inevitable. I loved everyone too much to want to be a burden. But, more than anything, I needed to make things right in my head and heart. I couldn't expect everyone else to understand when I couldn't even make heads or tails of my own situation."

"I thought I was your best friend, Bella? I thought I was a good enough friend to make you comfortable with telling me anything? Have I failed you, too?" I was taken aback. I hated the vulnerability I saw in her eyes and being the cause for exposing her in such a way.

"Rosie, please," I begged desperately. "You haven't failed me in anything. No fault lays with you, sister. It's a-all mine," I told her empathically. I needed her to understand that truth.

"I need to . . . I need t-to . . . I'm sorry, Bella," she cried before jumping out of my arms and running from the room. I was completely stunned by her sudden departure. My arms were still held in a lose circle around me where she had been, and my legs were spread out. My back slumped at the shame and emptiness I felt without her.

I stared stupidly at the opened front door.

Jasper's arms encircled me from behind as he buried his face in my hair. "She loves you, Bella," he whispered reassuringly to me. "She just needs time." I nodded and continued to look out the door.

Esme's little sobs were the only thing that worked through my broken world for a while.

…

"Sorry you're dying, sister?" Emmett said bluntly. It was the first thing said in a while. Or perhaps, it had been longer to me, the only human.

Esme gasped at the crudeness of the statement and Edward sighed, but I couldn't help it, hysterical laughter bubbled out of me. It was the reason I loved him so very much. My brother could bring levity to any grim situation.

"I'll be well in the long-run, Emm," I reassured him through my subsiding giggles. Tears of both mirth and sadness leaked. Jasper tightened his grip along my waist. Emmett's trademark mega-watt smile lit up the room.

"Don't think this means I'll go easy on your sick ass. The war continues, Bell." I nodded my head shakily. My hand fisted over my heart as I melted under Emmett's love. It was his way of telling me that even though I was falling; he would be there, standing by my side.

"Bet your sick ass it will," I confirmed, but my meaning of "sick ass" was totally different than his, that eternal pervert. "Make my sister okay . . . please. A-And tell her I'm sorry. I love her so very much. Never meant to hurt her, Emm."

His eyes looked suspiciously glassy, but I didn't get to confirm them, he turned away before saying, "She already knows that, and I'll tell her regardless. Love you, Bell."

And then he was off at vampire speed, going to clean up another mess I had made.

…

The forest became darker as the day wore on. The light creaking of the swing as it swayed back and forth filled the silence around me. It had been a while since I had sat on the Cullen's back porch, but the woods around the property still held the same allure for me, gently calling me to frolic in their secretive depths. Mmm, the hidden mysteries they held. I sighed almost contentedly as the soft summer breeze danced along my skin. My summer dress flew around my legs, tickling the skin where it landed lackadaisically.

If the situation hadn't been so messed up I may have giggled. But, things being the way they were I just sighed again. A couple hours had passed since Rosie had left and things calmed a little. After Esme had smothered me in her love, and I had fed Cheyenne, I took residence on the back swing. My eyes continued to scan the property, waiting and praying that Rose would return. It had been unfair of me to not tell her (just as it had been terribly wrong of me not to tell Jasper), but I truly needed the time. There were only so many things one could deal with. Just as it seemed like life had settled nicely around me, things were changed once again, and the fallout was much steeper.

Now that things were more stable in my mind, everything else around me had become chaos. It was to be expected, but I wished things hadn't got so out of hand. I wish I could have taken their pain and disappointment upon myself. I never wanted them to suffer on my behalf. It was an unrealistic expectation, for someone not to hurt on my behalf, but I wasn't used to the affection and devotion they lavished on me. I had never thought myself worth the trouble.

The back door scraped opened and caused me to jump a little. I could feel my heart start to race in my chest. My hand covered the left side of my breast as I looked to see who had joined me. I wasn't really surprised to see Edward; he lived in the Cullen's house obviously. I was, however, surprised that he came near me, voluntarily. We hadn't been truly alone since he confronted me at my house. The air around was a bit awkward and the oxygen seemed to become stale.

I turned away from him and tried to smother the blush that highlighted my cheeks. I was still very much nervous in his presence, not to mention he was always so stoic and reservedly quiet. I didn't know how to contend with that.

I set the swing into motion again and let the silence become filled with the squeaking of the chains.

"Are you sure you want to be changed, Bella?" he finally asked, brazenly. The silence was most definitively broken. "Surely, there has to be another way." Edward's voice sounded pained, and for once I knew it had nothing to do with the smell of my singer's blood. However much he asked the question in good faith, I could feel my anger rise. I hated confrontations. My headed turned in his direction again, and I studied him intently. He looked as if he had squirmed under my gaze, but then again I could have imagined.

"No offense, Edward, but it really isn't your decision. I can understand it being somewhat your business since it affects your family, but the end decision is mine and mine alone. I don't need you second guessing me!" I bit off harshly at the end.

He had only asked in concern for me, but I was tired of being second guessed and questioned. It was as if they believed me to be incompetent of make a sound decision. I had cancer not a mental inability to ration reasonably. He looked a little repentant at my rebuke but there was still lingering doubts written on his face. One didn't need my vampire's gift to suss Edward out.

"But, still, Bella? Would you really submit yourself to becoming a monster? It is a decision you can never take back. I caution you to really think this through. I am aware of your love for Jasper, but is your soul worth that love? We thirst after human blood and are never sated. Our throats scorch like a burning star, but our skin is ice cold. We are outcasts in a world where we never truly belonged. We are abnormalities, Bella, and predators to the entire human race. Could you live with that knowledge, that very truth seeped into your very core? Could you ever live with taking another life, even if was accidently?"

I studied him evenly; making sure my face gave nothing away. Every point he made was valid, but once again he failed to see the grand picture. There was always a possibility that I would slip, and there was the distinct possibility that my throat would constantly burn, but it was the only way to be with Jasper. Why couldn't Edward understand that I needed to be where Jasper was? I feared for what I would become, what destruction I could accomplish, but I was ready for that life and the responsibilities that came with it. I knew the consequences of my actions would weigh heavily on me, but I needed Jasper. It was the first truth my soul always realized.

"How could you ever think that, Edward? How?" I was very angry and tried valiantly to control said anger as it boiled under my skin. It wasn't fair to blow up at him, but he was the closest target and hadn't ceased when I asked him to. "You think your family is nothing but monsters? Have you that little respect for Carlisle . . . Esme?" I asked incredulously.

"Your father is the most caring, selfless, compassionate person I know. His ability to love is endless and his ability to harm is nil. Everything – Everything he has ever done is centered on his family. He exists only for you and the rest of the Cullen's. Carlisle is the furthest thing from a monster that could ever be. Esme . . . she loves you so much, Edward. She cherished the ground you walk on, yet you think her a monster. How can you even look her in the eye when you think every vampire a monster? That's always been your problem: generalizing everything and everyone until they fit into your perfect little world. You think Rosie is nothing but self-centered; she may be those things, but she loves fiercely and hurts like everyone else. Had that ever crossed your simple mind? You know you have a soul, Edward, and I know you still struggle with accepting that fact. The time has come, and until then, I would ask you keep your jaded and cynical opinions to yourself, please! Don't try and fit everyone into your little molds!"

I realized my words were abrasive, but something had to break through the incredibly strong wall that stubborn vampire had constructed. I also couldn't stand him thinking his amazing family as nothing but monsters. They may have all done unsavory things, but their hearts loved deeply and eternally. They were a family regardless of what Edward thought.

I ran to the back door and stopped before the inside swallowed me up. "Jasper is worth everything!" I passionately informed the misguided vampire. However, I left out the life and existence of my daughter. That was something personal and only for me to know. I would have given up everything for my darling. No one needed to know that and it was something held deeply within me.

Edward had given me many things to think about, not that I hadn't already. But when push came to shove, I would be turned in the end. I just had to wait for my heart to stop beating and for Jasper's venom to seep into me. I would fight for my vampire, until my last heart beat, and when it finally sounded, Jasper would mark me as his. I would then join him and the Cullen's in their own eternity.

Author's Notes: Hope this chapter finds you well. Ooh wee, many of you were quite angry with Bella last chapter, and that I can understand. I did kind of leaving you hanging, thinking she wouldn't allow him to change her. I know, I can be quite the cliffy monster. So now, you FINALLY have the answer – Bella will be changed. Thirty-five chapters and many long-ass worded chapters later, and you finally learned Bella will be changed. I have warned you, lovely readers, that I am terribly LONG-winded . . . LOL.

A Big thanks to Cullen Cousin for the help with this chapter in the midst of her Real Life saga; thanks mucho, darling, love you! Also – thanks to all those who reviewed and alerted/favored last chapter! I could never thank you enough for the confidence and feedback. Hopefully, some of you like Bella a little more this chapter (no pressure *winks*). I hope all is well with everyone and much love!

Posted: Thursday, 6 October 2011