Chapter Thirty

Regulus had not read a book from start to finish in years. He had not even finished reading the Occlumency Book that Severus had given him the previous year. And yet, he had been determined to read the book that had been given to him several weeks ago; the book on Horcruxes, despite the dryness of the narrative. And, with each sitting that he managed to squeeze in among his other duties, he had become more and more worried with the implications. If his suspicions were true; if the Dark Lord was, of even had already, creating a horcrux, then the Wizarding World was doomed.

The ramifications of such an instance were terrible; that he would be immortal. That they would be stuck with him; for eternity! The thought absolutely horrified him; he had hoped the lunatic would be dead by the time he settled down. He did not want his children to grow up in a world ruled by the sadistic bastard.

He closed the book; having skimmed through it several times since he had completed reading it. He had no idea what to do; if he should confide in anyone. Lucius was a definite no. Severus was the obvious choice; but then, Severus was rising rapidly among the Death Eaters these days. He may no longer want to leave the fold; if he had in the first place. Regulus had assumed that he would leave at the first chance he got; now that he had nothing to leave for, now that his mudblood had been snapped up, he wasn't sure if the status he had gained within the Dark Lord's ranks were enough to make him want to stay.

He did not want to risk asking him. Severus would, no doubt, be very angry with him for attempting to defy the Dark Lord, even if he wasdisingenuous. He had lost count of the number of warnings he had received from him; warning him to lay low, to comply and survive rather than make a hopeless attempt to get out. For the past couple of months they had watched friends, acquaintances try; every one of them came back dead. Not one person had managed to successfully defect.

And it seemed that no one ever would. Not if the Dark Lord was impossible to defeat; not if he was immortal. He stood, a sudden, unexplainable feeling over hopelessness and despair falling upon him, as his mind attempted to take it all in. There was no escape; not for anyone. You serve the Dark Lord or you die; until he finally gets what he wants. Even then, the killing, the suffering would never stop; the way he treated his Death Eaters was the finest of examples of this. All would be subject to his whims, to his decisions, his callous rule.

That was why he was there. Standing at the gates of Hogwarts School; of course his access was denied. But he was determined. No doubt word would get back to the headmaster quite soon; and then he would have his chance.

The cracking of wood, a branch being snapped, caused him to whip around. Albus Dumbledore stood before him; his expression hard.

Regulus gripped his wand tight, anxiously. This man could kill him with a wave of his wand if he chose to.

"Professor Dumbledore," Regulus straightened up, making himself seem more confident.

Dumbledore only held his look; a definite cold distrust and disgust in the old man's eyes.

"I have information for you," Regulus went on, a little confused at the reception. He did not expect him to remain silent; perhaps he would have tried to disarm him? Attack him?

"The word of a Death Eater means very little to me," Dumbledore finally spoke, his tone laced with disgust.

Regulus swallowed, his eyes narrowing, "I suggest you take it. Because what I am willing to tell you could be of great value to you." He tried his best to speak the way Severus would; the way Lucius would address the older man. With a cool self-assurance.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows at him, "I think not."

Regulus immediately felt irritation well up inside him; how dare he be spoken to so dismissively. The man had no idea what he had to offer.

"Are you interested or not?" he snapped, not bothering to keep up with the act he had been trying.

"I shall have to hear what you have to say before I make that judgement."

Regulus was thoughtful, as he looked at the old man; "What will you give me in return?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"The information I have is very valuable. I expect something in return." A reprieve; an escape; get him out of the hell he was living. Dumbledore looked at him closely; Regulus quickly jammed up his occlumency barriers. Dumbledore's expression hardened further.

"Your Master will sooner declare defeat, than I would be foolish enough to make a deal with one of his followers," Dumbledore said, coldly.

Regulus glared daggers at the old man. He turned on his heel and stormed a few steps away. Very well; if that was how the old man was going to be. He did not have to stand for such disrespect; nor would he go through the humiliation of working with Dumbledore if he were to receive such treatment on a regular basis. He would do it alone; if need be. He dissapparated back to Grimmauld Place; he would find a way.

Lily was jolted awake as Harry's screams once again broke into her dreams. She felt awful; weak; as if she couldn't move. She glanced towards the clock on the mantelpiece; she had only been asleep for five minutes! She closed her eyes, letting her head fall back against the couch; God, she was going insane. She squeezed her eyes shut as Harry's screams worsened. He had just been fed; had fallen asleep afterwards. And she had very nearly rejoiced that he was finallysilent and tried to catch some sleep herself. She felt the tears prickling up again; she glanced back at the clock. It was just after six and James wasn't home again.

She raised trembling hands to her face, burying her face in her hands. After a moment she stood and slowly walked to the crib, where the baby was crying. He barely acknowledged her as she came into view; she stared down at him, feeling drained, exhausted. She was so, so tired. Harry's screams increased and she cast a silencing charm over the house; not wanting to have to deal with the humiliating looks of sympathy the neighbours would cast at her as she walked down the street. Those knowing looks; the looks that judged her, that said she was too young to know how to take care of a baby.

She drew in a trembling breath and lifted Harry into her arms; his cries lessened for merely a moment before they resumed once again. She reached down, grabbing his dummy from the crib, "Here," she gently touched it to his lips, "Harry, take this." She successfully managed to get it into his mouth. He sucked on it for a few seconds before crying again, the object falling to the floor.

She shook her head, feeling that familiar helplessness and desperation that had clung to her heart for weeks now, whispering, "God, stop it, Harry." She felt around his nappy; dry. She lowered him into the crib as he continued to cry and then walked away from him into the kitchen. Her head was throbbing. She grabbed the painkillers her mother had given her from the counter, tossing two into her mouth carelessly and washing them down with a glass of water she haphazardly poured for herself.

Her hands shook as she lowered the half-empty glass to the counter; Harry's screams continuing on. She squeezed her eyes shut again; wouldn't she catch a break? It was as if she was being punished for what she had done those months before.

She turned and looked at the crib; could see Harry through the bars. Crying for no reason. Why was he crying? As if what she'd done so far hadn't been enough for him. She looked at the clock; James should have been home hours ago. She shook her head with a wry smile; she really was such an idiot. Everything she ever did; anytime she ever tried to make things right, it all ended up a complete disaster.

With a sigh she walked back into the living room, grabbing Harry's baby bag. She tossed in some nappies, baby wipes, power. She flung the bag over her shoulder, slipped into her shoes and walked over, swinging Harry up onto her hip. A few moments later, after walking down the path, she apparated them to Manchester.

Harry continued crying as she walked up the garden. The door opened before she had the chance to reach it. Her mother smiled brightly; "Lily! This is a surprise, I wasn't expecting you tonight."

Lily finally reached the door and was grateful when her mother immediately swooped Harry into her arms.

"And how is my grandson?"

"A nightmare," Lily muttered, walking past her into the house.

"Lily," her mother rolled her eyes, following her into the house.

"It's true, mum," Lily dumped the bag onto the floor, "He won't stop crying; ever. He sleeps for three, maybe four hours at night; and then a two hour nap in the afternoon and during that time I have to make the dinner or clean the house or try and wash myself! Other than that, the only time he isn't crying is when he's latched onto my boobs!"

Marjorie Evans laughed and shook her head, "Honey, why don't you have James clean the house?"

Lily sighed, not answering. She didn't want her mother to know they were fighting.

"What's wrong, Sweetheart?" her mother held Harry to her chest, rocking him back and forth, "Are you hungry?"

"He just ate," Lily snapped as she sat down on the chair. She could not remember the last time she was so irritated; maybe in sixth year.

"Lily, you have to soothe him when he cries," Marjorie said, gently to her.

Lily turned to her, her eyes blazing, "I spend almost every waking hour trying to soothe him! He's one and a half months, shouldn't this have stopped by now?"

"I'm afraid colic can continue until the baby is three months," her mother said, and Lily felt her heart drop. Obviously noticing, her mother quickly added, "But that's only in some cases. It will go away soon."

Lily swallowed the lump in her throat before speaking, "Can you watch him for me?"

Marjorie looked at her for a moment, hesitantly, "Of course."

Lily nodded and stood up, heading for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Just a walk," Lily said, not stopping, "I just need an hour; please, Mum. Please."

Marjorie placed a hand on her shoulder. Lily reluctantly turned to look into her mother's concerned eyes, "Sweetheart…are you okay? How have you been coping?"

Lily swallowed, "I just need an hour. For myself."

"Couldn't James have watched him?"

Lily turned and headed towards the door.

"Lily, it's raining. You don't have a jacket…"

"I'll be fine," Lily said, quietly, opening the door and heading out into the rain.

She ended up at the river; her dress was completely soaked through by the time she had reached it but the rain had slowed and stopped as she lowered herself down to the bank. The muddy bank immediately stained her dress as she sunk down into it; she hadn't had a shower in three days; she hadn't slept properly since she didn't known when; consequently her face was pale, with dry patches and there were dark rings beneath her eyes that she worried would become permanent.

This was not how she had imagined family life would be. She had imagined family dinners, playing with the baby together, putting it to sleep, her and James curling up on the couch at night, talking about their day. What she had witnessed with her parents. Instead, she had entered into a nightmare. James was never home; and when he was they would fight constantly. She knew that it was her doing it; that she would nag him as soon as he came home, but she couldn't help it. He was always with Sirius; always off out, enjoying himself, as if they weren't even married. And she was sick of feeling like his ball and chain. She needed someone, anyone to help her. She felt as if she were drowning in her own life. Harry cried constantly and she still had found nothing that would pacify him; and, to add to that, it seemed that a week couldn't go by without one of her friends being killed or severely wounded.

She drew her knees as close to her chest as she could, scowling down at the bump that, although was a lot smaller now, still remained. She had never felt more unattractive in her life; and she was sure she must look quite the state, sitting in the mud, drenched to the skin. She leaned her forehead against her knees as the tears came once again.

At that moment the distinct pop of an apparition startled her. She looked up; and was only mildly surprised when she saw Severus heading up the bank, obviously not yet noticing her. She swallowed, nervously, wondering whether or not to attract his attention.

He suddenly looked up, his eyes meeting with hers, and he froze in his steps.

She held his look, saying nothing. She hadn't seen him in so long; how she had wanted to see him. She left her eyes glance over him; he looked good. And she looked utterly awful; she flushed with embarrassment. Of all the times he could have seen her again; it had to be when she looked like an inflated, drenched rat!

"What are you doing?" his tone was clipped.

Lily frowned up at him, confused at the hostile reception, "What?"

"It is freezing out here, Lily!" he snapped, resuming his steps towards her, "Have you lost your mind? You're soaking!" He reached down and she gave him her hand, allowing him to pull her up to stand in front of him.

She swallowed, looking up at him, standing close. His eyes softened slightly, and she knew he must have noticed her earlier tears. He cast a drying charm on her and she gave him a wavering smile of gratitude. If she was smart enough she would have done it herself.

"Did something happen?" he asked, his tone barely masking his concern.

She bit her lip, not answering.

She noticed him swallow, looking around awkwardly, "Are you visiting your mum?"

"Yes, sort of," she shrugged, looking down.

Severus was thoughtful for a moment, before speaking again, "Like I said, it's cold out here. Do you want to…?" he left the remainder of the question in the air; but she knew what he was asking. She looked up at him and nodded, he nodded in return and, placing his hand briefly on her back, he urged her up the bank.

Lily sighed as she stepped into the warm, familiar surroundings of Severus' childhood home. She shrugged off the cardigan she had been wearing as she walked into the living room, draping it over the back of the chair. She heard Severus come in from the kitchen closely after her.

"Do you want a drink?"

Lily shook her head, "No thank you." She sat down on the couch and leaned back. She closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath; transporting herself to a time before all this. When she could sit down for longer than ten seconds without someone demanding she do something. She felt the couch dip slightly when Severus sat down next to her. She reluctantly let herself come back to reality, opening her eyes to look at him. She gave him a small smile;

"Almost five months," she said, "You've got to give me some credit for that, right?"

Severus didn't smile; his expression remained as concerned as it had been when he'd come across her at the river, "What happened? Did he hurt you?"

Lily shook her head.

"Then what is it?" he persisted, his tone irritated, "What happened?"

Lily was quiet for a moment before looking down, "Nothing. I was just an idiot, that's all."

"What do you mean? Spit it out, Lily."

Lily sighed, looking at him in irritation, "Just back off, Severus. I haven't slept in days; I feel awful. One of my best friends was killed a few weeks ago; I haven't eaten since this morning…"

Severus held her look for a moment, his concern seeming to deepen. He looked towards the kitchen, "I don't think I have much." He stood up, walking into the kitchen.

"Severus, it's fine. That's not what I meant…"

"I have some ham," he called, "And bread. I'll make you a sandwich."

"No, don't bother," she stood up, annoyed with herself for putting him in a position where he had to take care of her, "Severus, I'm not…"

"No arguments, Lily," he cut her off, as he put two bread slices onto a plate. He pulled out several bits of ham, much more than one would usually put on a sandwich, and placed them on one of the slices, "I don't have lettuce or butter or anything. I have some mayonnaise if you want that?"

Lily looked at him for a moment, feeling her grasp over her emotions weakening. She gave him a small, sad smile and nodded. He held her look for a moment and then went back to preparing the sandwich. Less than a minute later he handed the plate to her.

"Thank you," she whispered, looking down at it. He didn't respond; just walked past her to sit back on the couch. Lily followed, lifting the sandwich as she did so and eagerly taking a bite from it. By the time she sat down beside him, almost half the sandwich had been consumed.

"You were obvious very hungry, Lily," Severus said, disapprovingly, "You are not taking care of yourself."

"I've just been very busy…"

"I just found you sitting at the river, completely soaked," he interrupted her, "You could have become ill," he studied her for a moment, "You do not look well, Lily. You look dreadful."

She gave a half-hearted smile, "What a charmer; take me now."

Severus sighed, looking away, and she thought she caught a glimpse of sadness and longing in his eyes as he did so and she immediately felt guilty. What was she doing here? She had no right to be there, not after all the pain she had put him through. She sighed and placed the plate with her half eaten sandwich on the table, "I should go."

Severus looked at her sharply, his expression confused, "You haven't finished eating."

"I shouldn't have come," she said, shaking her head, "I…"

"I asked you here," he interrupted her again.

She swallowed, looking at him, tears filling her eyes. She looked away, quickly. She felt his hand on hers, caressing it gently for a moment before it stilled.

"What happened, Lily?"

She bit her lip, the concern in his voice was more than she deserved. She sighed and turned to look at him.

"Like I said, nothing," she shrugged, looking down, "I…I just…" she swallowed, feeling tears once again, "It's me. I'm not…I just…I…" She looked down, a tear finally slipping free, "I'm a terrible mother, Sev. My baby, Harry, he…he cries all the time. I…I can't make him stop. And I…I get so angry with him for it. And…and me and James are fighting all the time…" she shook her head, looking away, as her expression crumbled, "It all sounds so silly, so childish, but…I can't help it…I…I just want to cry all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me…" Her concerns really did sound stupid when she voiced them and she felt herself flush with embarrassment and despair.

She felt his hand on her arm and turned back to him. The concern, the understanding in his expression was all too much. She leaned into him, pressing her face against his shoulder as a sob escaped her. He reached up, his hand gently caressing the back of her head, stroking her hair. She cried into his shoulder as his arm drew her close, his hand continuing its soothing movements; finally finding the comfort she had desperately wanted. She felt him press his lips to her temple and closed her eyes, savouring the feeling of being in his arms once again.

When he noticed her tears had stopped, he slowly drew back, keeping an arm around her as his hand fell to her shoulder. He said nothing.

She bit her lip, "I'm sorry for…for dumping all this on you."

Severus smiled, unexpectedly, that smile she loved; "You haven't 'dumped' anything on me, Lily."

She sighed, rubbing a hand over her face, "I'm so tired, Sev. The baby doesn't seem to ever sleep. And when he does, I always have things to do, things to…"

"Sleep here."

Lily stopped speaking with a frown, "Here?"

Severus nodded and motioned towards the door leading upstairs, "Go ahead. I don't mind."

"What? I can't do that," she scoffed.

"Why not?"

"Well, because…because…"

Severus raised an eyebrow, "Excellent point."

Lily sighed and shook her head, "No…I don't…I don't want to be a hassle."

"A hassle?" Severus smirked, "How can you be a hassle when you're asleep?"

Lily looked at him, at the warmth in his eyes, and felt herself warm in response; "You…you don't mind?"

"Lily, you are obviously very tired," Severus said, sensibly, "There are no screaming infants here; I make very little noise and I do not intend on going to bed for a good six hours or so. I assure you, there is no inconvenience."

Lily bit her lip, glancing towards the door, the temptation was great. It had been so long since she had slept; so long since she had had enough time to lose herself in her dreams. She turned grateful eyes to him and smiled, tears coming to her eyes, "Thank you, Severus."

He looked uncomfortable at the sincerity of her voice, "Like I said, there's no inconvenience." He made a dismissive wave towards the door, "Go ahead."

"I…I can't stay long," Lily said, as she stood, reluctantly leaving his arms, "My mum is watching Harry. If...if I'm still asleep at ten can you come and wake me?"

Severus only nodded in response. She gave him another smile as she headed up to his room. She never thought she could be so happy at being given the opportunity to sleep.