ENDGAMES II: QUEEN AND QUEEN

ACT ONE

Thanks, as per usual, to both bethanyactually and amrywiol, without whose suggestions this would be much weaker.

"I don't understand," the dean said for the fourth time.

"All right, I'll explain it again," Shirley said. She sat primly across from him, trying to touch as little as possible. The dean's office always made her uncomfortable; Shirley was willing to withhold condemnation of the dean's various predilections but she preferred not to think about it. Dalmatians everywhere. So many dalmatians… "The situation is complicated. There's a lawyer here from the state bar association to check up on Jeffrey."

"That seems bad," said the dean. "Checking up seems bad. If you're getting tested, there's a chance you'll fail. Knowing you can fail can rattle your confidence, so you're not your best self. That's why we let students take classes Pass/Pass."

"Now," Shirley said, lifting a finger to silence him, "this lawyer is someone Jeff has a good relationship with. Her name is Lelia Gilman. She's the one who agreed to the terms of his suspension in the first place."

"Well, that's good. Between you and me and the wall I always thought the whole 'we're okay with fraud if you just get a bachelor's degree' thing was kind of odd."

"Mmm-hmm." Shirley cleared her throat. The next part was tricky. "She's also a very old friend of Annie's mother."

The dean squinted, mulling it over.

"That's bad," Shirley told him. "Annie's mother is terrible."

"Of course! Of course. I knew that," the dean said quickly. "I met her. I mean, she was just awful to Annie that one time, and she acts like she's into Pierce, which means she's just dishonest by nature…"

"Yes, yes, we're all vice-presidents in the We Hate Sadie Club, except for Ms. Gilman apparently." Shirley paused. "But she's also a very old friend of Annie's. No, 'friend' isn't the right word. Annie calls her Auntie Lelia. It's nice," she added in a sweeter tone.

"They can't be that close." The dean didn't seem reassured. "Annie never talks about her."

"Annie never talks about her family at all," Shirley pointed out. "I think that when Annie had her, hmm, 'breakdown' four years ago Sadie told Lelia that she'd moved to Massachusetts or something. I don't know what she said, exactly. She definitely didn't give Annie's contact information to Lelia. Now Lelia knows that Sadie lied to her and Annie's been here this whole time."

"That's… good?" the dean guessed. "They're reunited. It's nice. And we all hate Annie's mother, so it's good to see her lies exposed." He leaned forward. "Right? That's good, right?"

Shirley nodded dismissively. "Yes, yes. But there's another problem."

"Oh, what now?" whined the dean. "Can't things just be good or bad? What's with all these other problems?"

"Jeff has been violating some fool rule or other, helping out me and Pierce. It's a technicality but you know how lawyers are about technicalities."

"Augh!" The dean dropped his head into his hands, groaning. "This is just too much to remember, good thing, bad thing, good thing, bad thing! Why can't you just tell me what's left over after everything else cancels out?"

Shirley scowled, disgusted. "Because I'm trying to talk to you like you're an adult? Lord knows I should know better after this many semesters at this school. Listen, little man," she said, leaning forward. "Jeff Winger is in trouble and needs help. Are you just going to sit there and let him dangle?"

The dean slowly straightened up. "No?" His voice quavered.

"Then let's get to work!" Shirley stood up. "I need you to get everyone together who'll be willing to speak on Jeff's behalf, students and faculty alike. Professor Duncan. His friend Neil…" She ticked the names off on her fingers. "There must be someone else, I don't know. That's why I came to you."

"Vicki?" hazarded the dean.

"No!" Shirley barked, causing the dean to flinch. "Not Vicki! Dear Lord, I said speak on Jeff's behalf — what is wrong with you?"

"I don't know!" whimpered the dean. "She was in here earlier —"

"Who, Vicki?"

"No! The lawyer! She was in here and she asked a lot of very very probing questions about degree requirements and course syllabuseseses," he stammered, "and accreditation and the student handbook and — and I panicked and I don't even remember what I said!" The dean's tone was histrionic.

Shirley shuddered. On top of everything else, if Greendale Community College's academic standards weren't up to Lelia Gilman's expectations, Jeff might be sunk regardless of his character. "All right," she said. "Don't worry about that."

The dean nodded hopefully. "It's going to be okay?"

"I don't know. But don't worry about it because you can only focus on one thing at a time, and I need to you gather up everybody. Focus on that. Get them to the cafeteria at five, all right?"

"Right."

"Everybody, cafeteria, five. Say it."

The dean pursed his lips. "Everybody, cafeteria, five," he repeated. "I'm not a child, you know."

Shirley was already halfway out the door. "I know," she said over her shoulder. Kids sometimes had some sense.

The dean harrumphed. Then, suddenly remembering, he dashed to the exit and called down the hallway after her, "Wait, which everybody? Was that a yes or a no on Vicki?"

1 May 1988

A tidy dorm room, lit by Christmas lights. Music wafting in through an open window. Lelia Gilman, a tall half-Iranian English major of about twenty lounged on her bed, reading a paperback. She looked up as the door opened and another twentyish girl, this one tiny and pale, sauntered in. The second girl, Mercedes Parker, closed the door behind her and leaned back against it, grinning.

"You look pleased about something," Lelia said. She sat up, shifting into a cross-legged position.

Mercedes nodded. "Yeah. You remember Richard Edison?"

Lelia raised an eyebrow. "Mister Edison from the alumni dinner? Spent the whole time hitting on me?"

Mercedes winced. "Yeah, well, he asked me out."

"He did?" Lelia seemed oddly disappointed. "I mean, he's an old geezer and not my type, but…"

"Oh, can't you just be happy for me for once?" Mercedes asked petulantly. "I know, you and he… but you're obviously not going to do anything with him, so…" She gestured towards herself. "Also he isn't old, he's… I don't know, mid-thirties."

"Okay." Lelia chuckled. "You can have him, Sadie dear. But if you get married I want your firstborn child."

Mercedes giggled. "Deal."

"…And then the helicopters blow up the mud hut, with C.G.B. Spender still inside," Abed said. "Mulder and Scully go one way and Doggett and Reyes another."

He sat in the study room alone with Lelia Gilman, who had given up taking notes. "And that's the whole plot of the X-Files?" she asked wearily.

Abed nodded. "There was another movie but it doesn't really tie in. I hope that answers your question."

"I don't remember what I asked." Lelia rubbed her eyes and the bridge of her nose.

"Can I ask you a question, or is that not allowed?" he asked.

"Shoot."

"Are you Annie's fairy godmother?"

Lelia smiled, then sobered as she saw Abed seemed to be serious. "Annie's Jewish," she said. "I would have been her kvaterin, if she'd been a boy."

He nodded solemnly.

"Also I'm whatever the opposite of a fairy is," she added. "I don't have a magic wand."

"Yeah, I didn't think you had actual magic powers. I can separate fantasy and reality. But if Annie's a Disney Princess, and her mother is an Evil Queen, then you…"

"I don't think it's fair to call Sadie evil," Lelia protested. "I mean, she's gotten kind of squirrelly ever since the divorce, but…" She sighed. "I don't know why she lied to me about Annie."

"It seems pretty obvious she resented your apparent intimacy," Abed said. "That's consistent with everything I know about her."

Lelia smiled tightly. She wasn't especially interested in dissecting her relationship with Sadie with one of Annie's friends. "Can we get back to the matter at hand?"

"Of course."

"Is there anything else you haven't said… about Jeff Winger, to be clear… that you think might have some bearing on the proceedings?"

Abed thought for a moment. "He once attacked this table with a fire axe."

She clucked her tongue. "He hurt anybody?"

"No. Not then. About a month later he killed Pierce's dad."

Lelia waited for Abed to clarify. When he didn't, she cleared her throat. "Care to unpack that?"

"Last year Pierce faked a heart attack. He went to the hospital. His father was there and Jeff blamed him for Pierce's problems. Not without reason. He made a Winger Speech… you know what I mean by that?"

"Oh, yes." Lelia nodded.

"Jeff made a Winger Speech at Pierce's father and Pierce's father had an actual heart attack and died." Abed stared at Lelia for a moment. "Pierce's father was really old."

She grunted noncommittally. "Well, if he was really old…"

"Oh, he also ruined a kid's bar mitzvah in a drug-fueled frenzy."

"Drug-fueled?"

"He had a bad reaction to an anti-anxiety medication."

"Ah." Lelia nodded in understanding. "Well, that can happen."

Abed's eyes lit up and he leaned forward in his seat. "You know about the Adderall? I didn't know if you knew."

"Adderall?" Lelia scooted backwards a bit in her chair. "Sorry, what?"

Abed froze. "Nothing."

Lelia Gilman pursed her lips and stared at Abed for a moment, thinking. Then she moved on. "What can you tell me about this, um, bar mitzvah ruination event?"

"Not a whole lot to tell. I was in debt to a celebrity impersonator service, the group agreed to work as celebrity impersonators to clear my debt, meanwhile Jeff had just started on a new medication. Pretty simple really." Abed shrugged.

"Who —" Lelia began.

"Ryan Seacrest."

She suppressed a smile. "And who —"

"Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale."

"That sounds about right." Lelia tapped her pen against the table thoughtfully. "Okay, Abed. I don't need a blow-by-blow of every wacky misadventure you've engaged in."

"That would take hours," agreed Abed.

"You're a character reference. Right now I'm under the impression that you think of Jeff as a pretty okay guy. Not perfect by any means, but someone you're proud to call a friend. That sound about right?"

"Sure," said Abed. "He has his flaws, mostly stemming from deep-seated insecurity, but who doesn't in this crazy world?" He tilted his head, considering. "Maybe Shirley. Her flaws seem to come from a different place than insecurity."

Lelia cleared her throat. "New question. This one is… not about Jeff Winger. Or if it is, it's only incidentally… you have a very intense stare, you know that?"

"I've been told that," Abed said. "Some women find me adorable. Others worry I'm a serial killer. I'm not a serial killer. Was that the question?"

She winced in sympathetic embarrassment. He didn't seem to notice. "No," she said.

"Cool."

Lelia pressed on. "You live with Annie."

"Yes."

"You know her well."

"Yes."

"We used to be close."

"I figured, based on what you and she said."

"I haven't seen her in about five years."

"None of these are questions," Abed observed.

Lelia nodded testily. "How is she? Is she… is she okay?" She shifted in her seat. "I'm not asking you to betray a trust. I don't want to invade her privacy, but I've worried about her. I can't help it. Sadie never told me anything, and she used to tell me everything, but then one day Annie was this forbidden topic… that doesn't matter now. She can tell me herself, or not, what happened and why I haven't heard from her in so long." She took a deep breath. "But there are things she might not want to tell me, so I'm asking you: is she okay? Is Jeff at all good for her? Is she on some self-destructive path right now, in your opinion?"

Abed said nothing.

She fidgeted a moment. "That's a very unnerving stare and I do not find it adorable. Normally I would be too polite to say anything but today has been extremely stressful for me, for obvious reasons."

"Annie is well," Abed said. "She's kind of a control freak but she also keeps the bathroom really clean and her fixation on Jeff would probably seem a lot more unhealthy if he wasn't just as fixated on her. She's majoring in Hospital Administration because she picked it out when she was fourteen, but she's decided she wants to work for the FBI and she thinks the best route to that is law school. She's driven and she holds everybody she knows to high standards, herself most of all. She isn't very observant but she really resents it when other people get annoyed when someone says 'happy holidays' instead of 'merry Christmas.' She makes blueberry pancakes sometimes and it doesn't come up often but she loves to do crossword puzzles in purple ink. You're crying. Did I say something wrong?"

"No, yes, no!" Lelia retrieved a tissue from her briefcase and wiped her face. "No, well. Excuse me. Can you point me to the ladies' room?"

Abed pointed. He watched her leave the room, then sat quietly, waiting for her to return. "Today has been an emotional roller-coaster," he said to no one in particular. "Probably it's finals coming up."

3 June 1990

A large round table, in a pavilion at a country club. White bunting and a live band. Law student Lelia Gilman, matriculated and intoxicated, slumped in her seat. She wore a purple bridesmaid's dress.

"Do you remember the night he asked me out?" The bride, shining in her wedding dress, slid into the seat next to Lelia. She clutched a flute of nonalcoholic champagne.

Lelia perked up. "Hmm?"

"May first, two years ago," Mercedes Edison reminded her. "You said that if we got married you wanted our firstborn."

"Oh." Lelia smiled at the memory. "That's okay, you can keep him. Or her. My wedding gift to you."

"You're so generous!" beamed Mercedes. "If it doesn't work out, you know, I'm going to blame you."

Lelia nodded. "That seems fair."

Annie was hurrying out of her last class of the day to meet Lelia Gilman in the study room when her phone rang. "Pierce?"

"Annie. It's Pierce. Where are you?"

She glanced around. "Greendale?"

"Ah, good, good." He sounded exhausted and harried. "Are you in any kind of trouble?"

It wasn't a completely nonsensical question, but Annie wasn't sure how to answer it. "Um…"

Pierce didn't wait for a response. "Listen, I can't talk long because your mother thinks I'm on a flight to Reno and when she hears this she'll know the truth, so I've got to act fast!"

"What?" Annie ducked around a corner and pressed up against a row of lockers. She looked around frantically but didn't see anything out of the ordinary. "What do you mean, hears this?"

"I didn't want you to find out this way but I'm out of time. Tomorrow Mercedes is sending some hit man to murder Jeffrey. Code-name 'the Gill Man.' I've got to get him to a safe house before he's shot. Obviously I can't tell you where it is directly, since as you know Mercedes tapped your phone…"

"What?"

"So I'm going to tell you in code. You have a pen? Get ready to take this down. One, three, sixteen —"

"Pierce!" Annie barked.

"Well, hurry up and find a pen!"

"What do you mean, she tapped my phone? Pierce, this is important!"

"She has a guy, this private investigator. He tapped your phone, I don't know how. Her laptop has a bunch of recordings of your calls on it."

"What? What laptop?"

"Your mother's. I said. I'm looking at it right now. It's actually making a recording of this call. It's pretty impressive, what they can do with computers now."

"Where are you?"

"Well, obviously, I don't want to say," Pierce said, "because of the whole phone-tapping thing. I can tell you in code —"

"Pierce!"

"Heh, you know, you sound just like Mercedes." He chuckled. "You're right, though, I did say I was with the laptop, so I can just come right out and say I'm in your room. Your room at your mother's house, I mean, not your room in your apartment. I found your old picture of Troy, by the way — better not let Jeffrey see that!"

Annie whimpered into the phone, visualizing Pierce standing in her childhood bedroom. Her resolve hardened. "All right. This is what you're going to do. Take the laptop. Leave the house. Drive to campus. Meet me in the study room."

"Annie, it is a nice laptop, but I don't think this is the way you want to get a new laptop. You would feel guilty about it later," Pierce told her. "If you want a new laptop, well, Christmas is just around the corner, and maybe Santa Pierce will give one to you…?"

"It's not about the laptop, Pierce, it's about the invasion of my privacy!"

"Oh." Pierce sounded disappointed. "Yeah, I can see how that would upset you… hey, I almost forgot! The hit man. We need to get Jeffrey to a secure undisclosed location. I have a cabin out near Sugarloaf — oh, now it's no longer undisclosed. Well, we'll think of something."

"She's not a hit man, she's my aunt…"

"Of course I can probably talk her out of it," Pierce mused. "The woman is smitten with me, you know."

"There's no hit man," Annie said. "Jeff is totally safe. Probably."

END ACT ONE