A/N: Truly appreciate the love for the last chapter. The angst will continue for the next two chapters. Some readers may be none too happy with Bella but, to me, that means you are invested in my story and the characters. I couldn't ask for anything more. Lastly, I'm sorry for the delay but busier with new semester than I thought. All my mistakes are mine, not beta'd.
Disclaimer: Twilight and its characters are owned by Stephenie Meyer. I also do not own 80s pop icon Rick Astley or any of his songs. Sadly, no dibs on Penny and Sheldon either. No copyright infringement is intended with the posting of this story.
Chapter 35 "Love Has Gone"
BPoV
"Bella who the fuck is this?" Disdain drips off every word as Edward utters every angry word.
"Edward," I can barely speak his name afraid to look into his eyes. "What are you doing here?"
He steps closer as the venom in his voice repeats, "I said who the fuck is this?"
What is he doing here? Never in a thousand years had I thought he would come all the way to Forks. I can't breathe. My chest hurts; my heart is beating so hard. I'm deaf from the blood flooding in my ears. He's angry, I mean really angry but, boy oh boy he looks sexy hot right about now. No, no, no, what the heck am I saying? I haven't even looked at him yet; I can't trust myself right now. I'm too scared, frightened. I can't think straight. I want to drag him into the house and show him how much I've missed him but . . . but I can't . . . yeah, I can one last time for old time sake. What am I thinking? I'm not thinking. I can't think; my thoughts are going every which way. I can't think straight. I need to calm down. I can't let him see . . . I can't let him know.
His voice raises an octave, "Bella answer me right now. For the last time who the fuck is this guy?"
Ever the coward now, I refuse to look in Edward's direction ignoring his demanding voice. Instead, I lock my eyes with Jacob. He blinks, his brow furrows; a flash of confusion in his expression as he identifies my panic. Telepathically, I attempt to send him a message not to mention anything about my dad. Ever so discreetly, I shake my head side to side but I fail. There's only worry in his confused eyes and concerned face.
Jacob finally breaks our connection turning to Edward's angry direction. Edward stubbornly refuses to break his locked glare on me. He stretches his hand out to Edward. "I'm Jacob Black. I'm a friend of Bella's dad. And you are?" By the tone of Jacob's voice, it's obvious he is trying to defuse this possibly volatile situation.
My eyes remain fixed on Jacob as he speaks; ever the coward, I won't look in Edward's direction. Edward's eyes remain fixed on me, stabbing my sorrowful soul with his angry stare. I am a statue frozen in time by his piercing glare. My tired pale skin flushes rubicund. He ignores Jacob's attempts at an introduction.
Edward's voice is now cold, controlling . . . chilling as he begins to speak. I am more frightened now of this eerie calm.
His stare is as cold as his icy voice. "Well Jacob Black, if you would be so kind as to excuse Bella and me. We have a few matters to discuss . . . in private. Isn't that right Bella? Don't we have some matters to discuss . . . in private?" He emphasizes the word private again.
Jacob interrupts, "I'm sorry Edward but I promised to get Bella back to the . . ."
I melt at Jacob's words broken from my frozen state. I can't let him say another word or anything to Edward about my dad's medical condition.
"No," I nervously shout, "No, no it's all right Jacob. I'll talk to Edward . . . in private. Would you mind waiting for me in the car. This shouldn't take too . . ."
"You don't need to stick around and wait for Bella. We'll be here for a while. We've got lots to discuss. I'm sure you have something better to do with your time than hang around here especially when Bella's boyfriend is here to take her anyplace she needs to go."
"Thanks Jacob," I whisper, "you don't have to wait . . . I'll . . . um, I'll call you later okay."
Jacob looks between me and Edward and back to me. "Are you sure Bella? I don't mind waiting."
Edward speaks up before I can open my mouth, "She sure Jacob. Goodbye Jacob." His cold demeanor is decisive.
Jacob retrieves my laptop and backpack from the car but before I can take them Edward's arm reaches out and grabs them; he flings them over his shoulder. Jacob gives me one last worried look as he backs out and drives away. My buffer is gone. I don't know where to look, what to do, what to say but, sadly, I know what I need to do. I need to lie . . . to break the heart of the most beautiful man I've ever met . . . I'll ever know. I can't leave my dad. If I tell Edward the truth, I know without a doubt he'll offer to stay here with me and I am not going to let him ruin his career for me.
Edward is still in my peripheral. I am still too nervous to look into his eyes, into his angry face but . . . but it's now or never. I put my game face on. Angrily, I look to Edward and notice he hasn't come alone. A worried Carlisle stands against the passenger's door. His face winces as I take a double look in his direction.
Always the diplomat, Carlisle calmly speaks, "Hello Bella, it's good to see you again."
I'm even more ashamed of my cowardly behavior. I can't look him in the eye as I struggle to maintain an angry facade. I simply nod, "Carlisle," and look back into Edward's eyes.
"Edward, since I'm in the neighborhood, I think I'll go check on the cabin . . . maybe stop by to see Gerandy . . . just give me a call when you're," Carlisle hesitates, ". . . when you're ready to go."
Edward nods and Carlisle leaves giving us one last concerned look before he drives away.
"I don't know what you're doing here Edward. I sent you a text. I think it was fairly self- explanatory. Didn't you get it?" I hiss as I make my way back to the house stomping up the stairs. I feel him following close behind. My voice is steady but my hands are shaking; I use my body to conceal my unsteady hands as I unlock the door.
EPoV
Without a doubt, I know more than ever that the woman standing in front of me is not my Bella. I know something is wrong and I'm not leaving here until I find out what it is.
Uninvited, I enter her father's home. Without looking back, she hangs her keys on a latch and drops her laptop and backpack near the door. Silently, she walks into the living room. Tense, she stands with her back to me. I stop directly behind her, wrap my arms around her body resting my chin on her head. Instantaneously, her body molds to mine. My Bella is back. "Please baby, tell me what's wrong," I whisper into her hair. At my words, her body tenses and her shoulders straighten as she attempts to struggle out of my arms. But, just as stubbornly, I hold onto her knowing she needs me.
It's the first time I've been in Bella's home. She is supposed to be visiting her father but he is nowhere to be seen. "Is your father home?"
For some reason, my question gives her the strength to pull out of my arms. Defiantly, she stares into my eyes.
"No, Edward, my father is not home right now. Now what are you doing here? I have somewhere important to be and I seriously don't have time for you . . . this."
She attempts to control her cavalier voice which further confirms that something is not right.
"Why did you come here? I thought my text was pretty clear; it's over Edward. What part of that don't you understand?" There's exasperation in her voice but her eyes give her away.
"You want to know why I came here Bella," I point my finger in direction of her chest, "I came here because you're lying to me . . . you're lying . . . I know you and I know something is wrong . . . and I want to know what it is." My voice gets louder with each word as tears teeter on the rims of her eyes. "And, I don't care what you say; it is not over." My chest heaves. "If it is over, then why are you about to cry?" I challenge.
"I'm about to cry because I'm frustrated. I sent you a text because I didn't want to go through all this," she waves her arms, ". . . all this breakup drama. I was going to cry because I'm mad." Angrily, she wipes the tears away. "I cry when I'm angry. Did you know that Edward," sarcasm fills her voice. "No you didn't know that because you don't know me at all Edward. That's why I was going to cry but now I'm not going to cry. Now please just leave. Go home." Her voice falters. "Just go home Edward . . . please Edward, just go home."
Yelling at Bella isn't going to help this situation so I take a few calming breaths before I speak. "Bella, I'm not going home. Stop trying to push me away. I know you're lying," she tries to interrupt but I put my hand up to stop her. "I know you're lying." Reaching into my pocket, she recognizes her love letter and momentarily her façade wavers. "If it's really over Bella, then why did you leave me this?" I hand her the letter and watch as she scans her written promises. 'Edward, If you are reading this note, I assume you can't take much more and you are missing me almost as much as I'm missing you . . . You are my other half. You are what I have been missing my entire life. You are my life . . . you are my home.'
She sits down on the recliner holding her letter; her eyes focus on an irrelevant spot on the floor. I can see the wheels in her head spinning. She's trying to think up another lie, a reasonable response to my question. "Honestly, Edward, when I wrote that letter I meant every word of it but . . . but I realized . . . something . . ."
"Enlighten me Bella. What have you realized in the last two days?" I spit in contempt.
BPoV
My eyes narrow at his sarcasm. "I've realized that there are still so many things I want to do . . . and see. I want to go to Europe . . . maybe live there for a few years . . . maybe teach at an American school while I'm there . . . I have my teaching credentials . . . and after that I might go to Asia . . . or zip line in Hawaii. I don't know. I don't have my life all planned out like you do Edward." I spit. "I know I sound like selfish child but . . . but this is my life," I emphasize, "and I am going to live it the way I want." The more I lie the louder my voice becomes. I rise from the recliner and stand in the middle of the living room staring into his eyes. I hate seeing the confusion in his eyes.
He stares at me in disbelief. I can see that he is starting to believe me . . . believe the lies. "You talk about getting a place for you and me . . . but being away from you has given me time to reassess my like. I don't want to settle down yet. If I went back to Seattle and moved in with you, I would be trapped again. I wouldn't be able to leave. I don't think I want to be stuck in Seattle the rest of my life. I would be miserable . . . and eventually I would make you miserable. That life you have planned . . . that's your plan Edward and it's wonderful for you . . . but it's not for me." I voice as convincing as possible.
"Bella, if you don't want to move in together when you get back home then fine, we don't have to move in together right away. We'll wait. We can keep things the way they are until you're ready. I never meant to make you feel trapped." He sounds apologetic and I feel guilt.
"Edward, you're not listening to me. I'm not going back home . . . I mean I'm not going back to Seattle." I'm frustrated at his refusal to listen to what I am saying to listen to my lies. "Edward, you've only just started your medical residency. You have years ahead of you before you're established. You're going to always busy at the hospital; it's your life. Even now, when you're not at the hospital you're either reviewing notes or sleeping. I respect your dedication to your career. I really do. I respect that you've followed your plans and dreams . . . but they are your plans, your dreams not mine. It's what you've wanted your entire life and that's great for you but it's not what I want for me." I point to my chest. "Besides," I pause to make sure my lies sound convincing, "You're always at the hospital. The only time we see each other is when you're climbing into bed to sleep. I get lonely." I look around the room. "I won't do that again Edward. I spent my entire childhood alone. I don't think I can live a life where I'm home alone taking care of the house and cooking and cleaning and making sure you have clean scrubs for work. I've done that already. I can't do that again. I won't do it again." I emphatically state knowing deep in my heart it's all I really want to do. I can tell by the look on his face that my words have wounded him but, if his being honest, he knows I'm right . . . well partly right.
"Bella, I know being involved with a doctor isn't an easy life but I know we can do it. You're not always alone. You have mom and Alice . . ."
"Edward, I love your family but it's not their responsibility to keep me company while you're at the hospital. They have their own lives to live. Alice and Jasper have their own lives to live. They don't need to look after me and . . . I'm sure the last thing your parents need around is a third wheel. Besides, you're not listening to me. I want to travel . . . I want to see so many things. You're talking as if I am going back with you. I'm sorry Edward but I'm not. Like I said in my text, it's over. You have to accept that. Go home and get on with your life just as you planned it. Find a girl you can share your life with, someone who really wants to be a doctor's wife . . . my heart breaks as I push him further away . . . a woman who wants to live the life of a doctor's wife . . . a woman who can make you happy. You're a real catch Edward. I'm sure it will be easy for someone as good looking as you . . . and, a doctor to boot, to find a woman who wants nothing more than to be a doctor's wife . . . to share your plans. What about Tanya? You can't deny she would make a perfect doctor's wife." I can't believe I just said that to the man I love. "We both know she's in love with you . . . your life would be so easy with her. She'd fit perfectly into your plans."
Staring at me in disbelief, I can see that Edward is searching for the right words to hold onto me . . . to us.
"What if I took a year off and went to Europe with you? We could . . ."
I knew it. I knew he would give it all up. I won't let him! "See," I scream throwing my arms up in frustration. "That's exactly what I'm talking about. Why should you change your plans for me?"
"We could visit all the countries you want to see . . . stay as long as you want," he pleads.
I growl, "You're not listening to me Edward. I don't want to visit Europe. I want to live there. I don't want to go on a vacation," I hiss the last sentence.
My words anger him and his next words stab at my heart.
"When are you going to grow up Bella and start acting like an adult? When are you going to stop running away like a little child?"
Disdain oozes with every word. That's it; it's almost over. He's angry now. I hear it in his angry words . . . his hateful voice.
"Grow up!" I yell shocked at his words. "Look around Edward." I motion back and forth. "I grew up in this house a long ago time ago." I pause as an image of my mother flashes before my eyes. "No . . . I take that back. I grew up when my mom decided she still had a lot more living to do despite the fact that she had a young daughter." I spit. "I grew up when my mom left me alone with my grandmother day after day. Don't you dare tell me to grow up," I seethe through my teeth as my chest heaves.
He looks directly into my eyes. "I get that you had a hard life growing up but that doesn't give you the right to be so selfish."
I'm taken aback at his vicious honesty. "I'm selfish? First, I have to grow up and, now, because I want to live my life I'm being selfish. I'm so sorry Edward for not living my life the way you want! I want to live my life and if that makes me selfish then I am selfish." I scream. "What about you? This is all about you and your plans . . . how my life doesn't fit into your plans . . . but I'm the one being selfish."
"That's not what I meant. It came out wrong."
"Please listen, Edward. I don't want this. I don't want to feel trapped. I love Esme," those are some of the first honest words I've spoken, "but I'm not like her. I'm never going to be happy staying at home. I want to be able to come and go as I please."
"Like I just said, you're being really selfish right now thinking only about yourself and what you want. We are in a relationship and I thought when two people are in a loving relationship they put the other person first." His voice softens at the end.
He tries to reach for me but I recoil. I can't let him touch me again. Hurt crosses his face at my rejection.
"Bella, I understand you didn't have the best family life growing up but . . ." he runs his hands through his hair pulling at the roots in frustration, "but what we have . . ."
I interrupt, "Edward, we don't have anything. I said it's over."
"We can't be over Bella. I love you . . . you love me. I know you do." He pleads. "You're my Penny; I'm your Sheldon. Bella, whatever is going on please, I'm begging you tell me. Don't do this to us . . . please."
If he doesn't stop I'm going to crumble right before his eyes. I can't do this anymore. I'm going to break and, if I do, I will ruin his career and his life. I have to make him hate me; it has to be a clean break.
"Edward we keep going around in circles. You're just going to have to accept that it's over. We had fun but now it's time to move on okay. Now, I'm sorry but I really do have to be somewhere and I'm already very late. I'm sorry but you need to leave Edward."
Defeat finally crosses his face. He whispers, "Bella, please don't do this to us . . . please."
I'm going to hate myself but this has to be fast clean break. "Don't do what Edward? Don't live my life. I'm sorry if you don't like it but I am going to live my life not yours." Here it comes. This will send him away forever. "Edward, there is no us . . . there never was. You were just my Seattle guy."
His breath hitches at my cold heartless words.
"I don't believe you Bella. You're lying; I don't know why you are but you are; you're hiding something from me. I can feel it. I don't understand why you are shutting me out of your life."
"Oh sweet, innocent naïve Edward, you are so gullible. It's kinda cute really. I've traveled from city to city. What do think I did all alone in those strange cities? Like I said, you were just my Seattle guy."
"Bella, you are trying way too hard to push me away. I don't know why you're lying to me . . . but I know something is wrong I just don't know what it is. What we have is real and I'm going to prove it. I want you to do something for me Bella," he orders. "You owe me at least this one last request before you banish me from your life."
My heart beats against my chest. What does he want from me?
"I want you to kiss me one . . . one last time . . . then look straight into my eyes and tell me you don't love me. If you can make me believe that you don't love me . . . then," he intakes a sharp painful breathe, "then I promise to I'll leave you alone forever."
Oh no, what am I going to do. The moment my lips touch his he's going to know I'm lying. I can't do this. I can't do this but I have to. His career depends on it.
"I don't even need to kiss you to know the truth. I see the panic in your face. I know won't be able to do it because you're lying to me." He almost laughs at our ridiculous situation.
His confident words get my back up. I have to do this. He will have the life he has always planned and I will keep my promise to my dad; my dad who needs me more than ever. I won't let him down.
This is the last time I will ever hold Edward in my arms . . . ever press my lips to his . . . ever breathe him in . . . ever look deep into his eyes . . . the last time I will ever lie to him.
"Challenge accepted," I joke as our eyes lock as I stand toe to toe with Edward. I lick my lips; his eyes darken as his breath hitches. I weave my fingers into his hair as his hands instinctively wrap around my waste pulling me tight against his chest. I force my eyes to stay open needing to look into his loving eyes one last time. My heart races feeling our cosmic electric connection as his hands roam my back. I capture his bottom lip as he takes my top lip. I inhale his scent as his tongue penetrates my mouth and we fight for dominance. I suck his tongue relishing what his kisses do to me. Our bodies mold together one last time. My heated blood pulsates through my entire being. Needing oxygen, we slowly break our final kiss.
I rest my forehead to his fully aware of the ramifications of the lie I'm about to tell. Pulling far enough away to look into his eyes, I find the strength I need to boldly declare "I don't love you Edward. Please believe it is over."
"You're lying. You can't kiss me like that then turn around and say you don't love me," his hushed voice declares.
"Oh Edward, you're so naïve. As a doctor, I would think you of all people would know the physiological effects of kiss. I could call Jacob back, kiss him exactly the same way I just kissed you and get the same physiological reaction you're still experiencing right now."
He stands shocked at my cold calculating words as I walk to the door. I open it motioning him to leave. "Now, I don't mean to be rude but if you'll excuse me I'm late. Like I said, I really do need to be somewhere right now."
As he walks out the door, I hammer the last nail in the coffin. "It's been fun doc. See ya around. Say hi to momma bear," I wink. I know that last remark stabbed at his heart and . . . mine.
My callous comment makes him stop mid-step. I look into his now contemptuous icy cold eyes, "You know maybe you are right . . . you never did fit into my plans. I think I will give Tanya a call when I get home."
He believes me now. His devastatingly punishing words cut me to the core. I didn't think he would fight back but his cruel words are exactly what I deserve . . . and more. He walks down the stairs as I close the front door. I lean against the cold door before I rush to the bathroom vomiting dry heaves.
A/N: Please don't hate Bella or me too much okay. This chapter is inspired from the New Moon novel when Edward makes Bella believe she isn't good enough for him just in reverse. I'm looking at three more chapters . . . I think. Okay, let me have it. I'm a big girl.