Fíli wasn't sure just how long he sat there attempting to collect himself, but eventually he decided that if he was going to be there he might as well be useful. With a final sniff, he grabbed the bowl Kíli had been using earlier and pulled it toward him. It was a bit difficult to wring water out of the cloth with just his left hand but he managed it.
"I couldn't do this if it wasn't for you," he muttered as he ran the cloth over his uncle's forehead. "If you hadn't insisted that I learn to use both hands equally . . ." he faded out unable to continue for a moment and rung the cloth out in the bowl once more.
"I hated you for that, you know," he said eventually. "Or maybe I didn't. I don't think . . . I never hated you. Not even when I said I did. I was just . . . I just didn't understand. There are things I still don't. I understand why it wasn't easy for you to love me like you do Kíli but . . . why couldn't you just—" he cut himself off realizing that it wouldn't be fair of him to lay his own burdens on someone who was so close to death. Besides, it wasn't as if Thorin was going to answer him. It would do him no good to air that grievance. Not now.
"Just . . . please don't die," Fíli whispered. "I . . . I know it's selfish of me but . . . I'm not ready. I need you to live. I . . . I can't be king. I can't rule. I . . . don't know what to do. I'll just make a mess of it, just like I have everything. I know it's cruel and that it would probably be easier for you if you passed on. You've more than earned it but . . . please fight. Don't . . . don't leave me to this. I can't do it. Please. I can't do this on my own."
"You can," Thorin muttered opening his eyes and looking for the face of the person sitting next to him. He knew he knew the voice but for some reason he wasn't certain who it belonged to. When he caught sight of the golden hair in the moonlight he knew who it was. He couldn't make out the face, but he didn't need to. He knew only one blonde dwarf that didn't wear braids. The pleading in the voice he now knew to be his brothers made him think that the battle had gone ill for him. That would certainly explain the pain he felt and the burning ache in his bones as the fever of infection flooded his veins. And for Frerin to be begging . . . he must be about to die. He was terrified of the idea but at the same time . . . at least his brother forgave him the harsh things he'd said before. Despite their feud, Frerin would stay by him until the end, somehow that idea gave him peace.
In his shock at receiving a reply, it took Fíli a moment to answer but when he did, the words were little more than a sob. Even if the blue eyes staring up at him were unfocused, they were looking at him. His uncle was looking at him and saying that he could rule. Thorin had never said anything so kind to him about his abilities and it broke Fíli's heart that it had taken all of this to enable him to do so. And yet, as happy as he was to hear those words, a part of him knew that it was not true.
"I can't," he argued his tone becoming more desperate as he continued. "I can't do this. I know I've said it before and was wrong but I can't rule. I don't know how. Not really. I . . . I can't make the difficult decisions like you do. I . . . I couldn't do what you asked of me. On that cliff. I . . . I never could have done it. Even though my mind knew it was right my heart . . . I couldn't have done it. I can't do what's required of me, even for the good of others. Not like you do."
"No," Thorin agreed. "You can't do things like I do. But . . . but that's what makes you better than me. Don't you understand? I'm a fool. You've had things right more than once and I called you a coward. You've been right about so many things and I was too blinded by tradition and fear to see what you saw so easily. You're a better dwarf than me and you will make a better king."
"I . . . I haven't," Fíli argued. "I've never . . . you . . . I'm not better than you. I . . . I'm a fool and a coward and I will make the worst king in history. I . . ."
"No," Thorin said firmly before pausing and curling in on himself with a wince as the force of his speech made his ribs burn. He couldn't remember what injuries he'd sustained but it felt as if someone had flayed him alive. Every breath pulled against his skin and his shoulders felt as if someone had taken hot pokers to them. All he could do was wonder at the fact that he still drew breath at all when it was such agony to do so and hope that he stopped soon.
"No," he repeated more quietly. "You have always been smarter than me. Even when we were young. And the things I said to you yesterday . . . I didn't mean them. I was frightened and . . . I shouldn't have called you a coward. Not when you were right. I should have done what you asked."
"What?" Fíli asked in confusion. His uncle's last speech had made no sense. They had argued the day before but he'd been the one saying harsh things. His uncle had said nothing but that he was sorry. And they'd never been young together. It was then that Fíli realized that even though he was looking at him, his uncle was not talking to him. He was talking to someone else entirely and Fíli had no doubt who it was. Kíli has said that Thorin had believed him to be their mother, clearly Fíli was being mistaken for someone as well: Frerin, the uncle he'd never met who shared his face. His uncle believed him to be his dead brother. Even though he suspected it was so, his uncle's next words confirmed it.
"Yesterday, in our tent," Thorin said, sounding more ashamed than Fíli had heard him before other than when he'd confessed to why he'd been cold. "When you said that I should go to Father and stop the war and I said you were a coward who the people would never follow. I . . . I didn't mean it. Nor did I mean it when I said I never wanted to see you again. Even though that looks like what's going to happen. It's only fair really, that I die while you live. After all, you were the one brave enough to commit treason for the good of our people."
"No it . . . you can't die. I need—" Fíli tried to say only to stop at the peaceful smile that stretched across his uncle's face.
"It's fine," Thorin said, that smile still there. "I . . . I am at peace with this, Brother. I fought valiantly and died well. I will not be ashamed amongst our ancestors. Especially not when I leave our people in such good hands. Tell . . . tell father I do not blame him. And Dís . . . tell her I'm sorry I never saw her children. I'm sure they would have been beautiful."
"Uncle," Fíli whispered, tears in his eyes once more at the peace he could see in Thorin, peace he'd never seen before. "Don't go. I . . . I need you." At the use of the word 'uncle' something shifted in Thorin's face and suddenly his peaceful smile was gone and a grimace took its place.
"Fíli," Thorin breathed, finally recognizing his nephew and feeling shame well within him at everything he had done to the lad. "Fíli. You survived after all. I'd heard . . . never mind. It was clearly untrue. I'm so sorry, Fíli. For everything. And especially for Kíli."
"Kíli!?" Fíli asked feeling a bit angry despite himself. Thorin thought he was on his death bed and he wanted to apologize about Kíli? How did Kíli merit an apology? Thorin nodded.
"I'm sorry that you had to take his life," Thorin explained, turning his head, unable to look at Fíli and see the same haunted expression he could feel on his own face. "I'm sorry that his blood is on your hands. I should never have put that on you. Not when I know what it is to kill your own brother. I'm so sorry, Lad."
"Uncle," Fíli replied wiping a tear from his uncle's cheek. "Kíli's not dead. I . . . I couldn't do it. He's right over there."
"Oh," Thorin replied, his brow scrunching up as he tried to make sense of his conflicting memories. Kíli wasn't dead but he wasn't there either. And then his conversation with his youngest nephew came to his mind. Kíli hated him, that's why he was gone. There was only one thing he needed to know before the end, even if he already knew the answer.
"Do you hate me too?" Thorin asked in a small voice that Fíli had never heard him use before.
"No," the blonde dwarf replied steadily. "I don't hate you. I . . . I understand now why you did what you did. I don't hate you, Uncle." Thorin hummed, his eyes drifting closed once more.
"'s'good," he muttered. "At least one of my family will mourn me. I think . . . sleep now."
"Ok, Uncle," Fíli replied stroking his uncle's hair back from his forehead once more. "Sleep and regain strength to live." Thorin hummed but gave no verbal reply as he breathing slowed once more even if it was still faster and more shallow than normal and his head lulled on his shoulder.
Once he was sure that his uncle was actually asleep once more, he returned to his earlier task of bathing Thorin's face and neck with the cloth. As he did so, he couldn't help by chastise himself for believing that his uncle was speaking to him at first. Of course Thorin would never tell him that he was a better dwarf and would make a better king. It only made sense that his uncle had believed him to be another. After all, they both knew that Fíli could never rule. He wasn't smart enough, brave enough or strong enough. If Thorin died . . . they were all doomed.
ooOO88OOoo
When they'd reached the others, Dwalin hadn't even bothered to watch his younger cousins reunite. He'd been too preoccupied with searching for his ownp brother. Even though Nori had reassured him more than once that Balin was alive and well, Dwalin had no intention of believing it until he saw for himself that he was fine. It wasn't at all difficult to find Balin. His white hair glowed like a beacon in the moonlight and Dwalin felt himself moving towards it without conscious thought.
"So," he drawled, crossing his arms across his chest and feigning disinterest when all he wanted to do was pull his brother against him and feel that he was still whole, "looks like you weren't eaten by those giant sparrows after all."
"Nor were you," Balin replied in an equally detached tone, eyeing his brother with a critical eye though a smile was quirking his lips.
"Looks like the orcs did get you though," Dwalin said sitting beside his brother with a sigh and gesturing at the blood-soaked bandage on Balin's arm. "Seems like that's always what happens when we get in a skirmish. You always wind up injured." Try as he might, he couldn't cover the worry in his words.
"Does seem like that, doesn't it. And let me guess, you managed to escaped unscathed yet again?" Balin sighed, though there was a bit of uncertainty in his words that turned his casual question into a serious one.
"That I did," Dwalin replied. "That's what comes from still being young and spry."
"Spry, eh?" Balin asked, raising an eyebrow at his brother. "You're only eight years younger than me, Dwalin. That's hardly enough to effect mobility. Especially when you figure that I'm not even actually old yet."
"You look old" Dwalin shot back, knocking his shoulder into Balin's and causing his brother to rock slightly at the impact. "Old enough to be my grandfather what with your white hair. I think that mistake has actually been made more than once."
"At least I have hair," Balin replied with a snort causing Dwalin to laugh. If Balin was willing to trade barbs about hair his brother was truly fine. Even so, he had to know.
"That the only wound you sustained?" Dwalin asked, allowing his concern to creep into his tone.
"Aye," Balin replied covering the bandage with his hand. Just talking about it made it throb.
"And you tended it? You didn't just wrap it and call it good? Orcs are nasty creatures, Brother," Dwalin said. "We've both seen more than one minor wound become grave due to lack of treatment. Especially in the wild."
"I tended to it," Balin replied his tone sharp but a smile crossing his face at his younger brother's concern. "Anyway, it was bleeding enough that infection's unlikely. Most likely washed it out."
"You'll still keep an eye on it?" Dwalin demanded.
"Aye, now stop your nagging," Balin scoffed. "I'm not dying. I've had worse than this training dwarflings. This won't do me in. You'll have to put up with me for quite some time, I'm afraid."
"I think I can deal with that," Dwalin replied feeling a bit sheepish for being called out on nagging his brother like that.
"So can I," Balin replied placing his uninjured hand on Dwalin's forearm. "Are you truly uninjured? There are both time and supplies if you aren't."
"I'm alright," Dwalin promised. "They never touched me. What about the rest?"
"Dori's got a nasty cut to his stomach," Balin sighed. "It didn't get his guts but it's still fairly long. It'll be a bit before he's up to climbing or carrying things. Bofur took a bit of a knock to the head but it's already quit bleeding. He's got a bit of a headache, but he'll be fine. Óin's got a bit of a limp where he turned his ankle on a bit of uneven ground during the battle but he says he's fine. And . . . " Balin trailed off, unable to tell Dwalin that Thorin was dying.
"And?" Dwalin prompted, wondering just what had his brother looking so dour. When Balin's dark eyes met his own he knew that they'd lost someone. Nori hadn't said anything about anyone being lost but Dwalin knew his brother well enough to know that expression.
"Who died?" he asked seriously looking around and seeing no one missing save the wizard.
"No one yet," Balin replied. "But . . . Brother, Thorin's not going to make it."
"What? What happened?" Dwalin asked unable to process that information even if he had halfway been expecting it since he'd seen the extent of the king's wounds and only that day had told Kíli that it was a very real possibility himself. Even if he'd said it, he'd never really believed that Thorin would die. Not him. Thorin was one of the most stubborn dwarves he'd ever met. If anyone could resist the pull of death it would be Thorin. The only way he'd die was if it was what he wanted.
"We must have missed something," Balin said sadly. "There were just so many wounds . . . we must have missed one of the shallower ones and . . . he's got a fever. It's too high and not showing any signs of breaking any time soon. He's lost too much blood. His body can't fight off this infection. Not with all he's been through. Even if he wanted to live, which he doesn't . . . We're going to lose him. Probably before dawn." Dwalin closed his eyes and nodded sadly. Even if he hadn't been prepared to face it, he'd been afraid this would happen. This was going to be a harsh blow to the company, not to mention the lads. Oh, Mahal, did they know yet?
"Do the lads know?" he asked eventually, dreading the answer. If they didn't know . . . who was going to tell them?
"Kíli does," Balin said sadly. "He was there when Thorin's fever spiked. I . . . I told him what it meant. And I'm sure that by now he's told his brother." Dwalin nodded again. Surely Kíli wouldn't try to keep this from Fíli. It wasn't as if he could protect his brother from this truth. No matter if Fíli knew or not, Thorin was still going to die. There was no shelter from this truth. Or any other for that matter.
"We have to tell him," Dwalin said suddenly looking levelly at his brother.
"Kíli's quite capable of telling his brother that they're going to lose their uncle," Balin said wondering just what Dwalin was on about. Surely he didn't want to be the one to tell Fíli. Besides, it was high time that Kíli took a bit of responsibility upon himself. Especially as he was now the second-in-line for the throne. They'd have to begin preparing him for that position now. The last thing they needed was Fíli to die as well and Kíli to become king as he was now.
"Not that," Dwalin corrected with a sigh before locking his eyes with Balin's and trying to make his brother understand what he meant without saying it directly. "We have to tell Fíli the truth. The whole truth. What we did, why we did it. He needs to know. Especially with Thorin dying. We can't keep this from the lad any longer, Brother. He deserves the truth."
"I won't deny that he deserves it," Balin agreed sadly. "But can he handle with it? The last few days have been easy for none of us but they've been especially difficult for Fíli. Is now truly the time?"
"He can handle it," Dwalin said. "He's calmed a good deal since his assault on Kíli. His emotions are back under his control. He can handle the truth. We owe him nothing less."
"You're wrong," Kíli said suddenly, startling both of the older dwarves who hadn't heard the young heir walk up. "You owe him enough that you should keep your silence a bit longer. He can't handle this. Not right now. He needs time."
"You underestimate him, lad" Dwalin said looking up at the young dwarf as Kíli leaned against the wall with a grimace at the criticism.
"No," Kíli replied coldly, his pain making his words harsher than he'd intended. "You overestimate him. Everyone always has. Just because he's pushed everything down again doesn't mean he's fine. Have you actually spoken to him lately? Because I have," Kíli continued more loudly to cover Dwalin's protests, "He's not fine. He's calm on the surface but . . ."
"But what, lad?" Balin prompted as Kíli trailed off. He'd never had to prompt Kíli for information like this. Something about the change in his demeanor and the seriousness in his eyes and tone made Balin believe him, even if what he was saying made little sense. He thought that he would know if Fíli was still unstable, Dwalin would know, but something about the way Kíli was speaking was compelling, in the same way his mother and uncle demanded belief. It was a new quality but Balin was not about to question it. Not now.
"I can't explain it," Kíli said eventually, shaking his head while his face scrunched up in concentration. "There just . . . something's not right, Balin. I . . . I can't explain it, just trust me. He just . . . he doesn't feel right. He's not as together as he seems. There's something . . . almost brittle about him. Like one harsh word would be enough to shatter him. He smiles and he seems happy but he feels wrong.
"That's the best I can do but you have to believe me," Kíli said almost frantically. "Please, just . . . just give him a bit more time. You can't do this now. Not with . . . not with Uncle dying. I know how Fíli's mind works. He'll only think you're doing it because Uncle is gone and no longer important. He'll think that you're only confessing because he's now king, not because he deserves the truth or your apology. And if you do it before he dies, Fíli will give up all hope of Uncle surviving and you can't take that from him. Hope's all we've got at the moment. All he's got. Please, don't do this yet."
Dwalin wanted to point out that if they didn't do it while Thorin was dying then there was no way to avoid Kíli's prediction of what Fíli would think their motivation was but Balin spoke before he could.
"Alright, lad," Balin promised. "If you truly think it would break him, we'll hold off a bit longer. But, Kíli, we're going to have to tell him eventually. The moment your uncle passes from this world, Fíli is our king. We can't take our oaths to him with such a secret between us. He'll have to be told. We can do no less at that point."
"I know that," Kíli replied softly, looking over to where his brother sat beside his uncle with his head in his hands. "I just. . . give him as much time as you can." Even though Kíli knew it was cruel, he couldn't help but pray that his uncle clung to life as long as he could. Even if it would be better for him if he passed quickly, there was only so much time Kíli could buy his brother if Thorin died. If he can't survive this, at least let him protect Fíli, just this once, like he always has me, Kíli prayed, hoping that the Maker would listen to his prayer as it wasn't truly a selfish one, even if it would bring more pain and suffering on another if granted.
ooOO88OOoo
Hi y'all, remember me? Once more I must apologize for the delay. School started back up and there's just a ton of work that needs to be done. Good news is, school's over in five more weeks. Bad news is, I'm expecting a baby four weeks after that. I should still have time to write (newborns do sleep a lot from what I'm told) but if things slow down (not more than they already have but you know what I mean) that's what's going on. That said, I will do my best to keep updates coming in a regular fashion. I hope you're still enjoying this fic and would love to hear what you thought.
Aranel Mereneth: That's somewhat what I'm thinking of doing (though as you've probably figured out, what I think of doing isn't always what happens) And believe it or not, that's all I want too! And I'm sorry that it wasn't soon, but I can say the new chapter has already been started so maybe it won't take almost a month this time :/
mny: I'm a bit of a fan of vulnerable Thorin as well :) And yeah . . . as much fun as they are to write, they're not the only ones in the company. There are twelve other members that have a take and a say on things (even if I only really pick out four others that get to speak) and thank you! I'm glad that you like the way I integrate other characters. And I'm glad that you enjoyed SOT. I actually started it both for my own backstory purposes and to help mitigate a bit of Thorin hate I was getting. I'm glad that it could make you love him a little more (even if it also ups the hate a bit.)
Danish fan: I'm glad that you're still loving it :) And while it wasn't soon, there was a new chapter :/ And you should be concerned. Ignoring wounds is never a good idea :( and Poor Thorin indeed!
Anybody: School's going well even if it is trying to murder me with coursework :/ And they don't think we have anything else to do. And I was wondering! I'm glad that you're doing well and hope that you still are. And you're right. Thorin just really doesn't get what he's doing in Scenes. And carefree little Kili is cute, isn't he? Yep, you were right, not crazy at all :). And I'm sorry that I made you cry. And that's one thing, Kíli will never truly stop clinging to hope. He's not nearly as jaded as the rest of them. And Balin's not pessimistic, he's realistic. You're right when you say that he's lost loved ones. Balin remembers the fall of Erebor and the death of his father (at the same battle that killed Frerin) and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he's seen the death of his mother as well. Balin's a warrior, he knows about death from wounds. He's seen this before and knows the odds aren't good, especially with the stress Thorin's body has been under since GT. And Thorin didn't really wake up, per say. He's not lucid, just conscious. And again, you've got it right. Thorin had no idea where he was or who he was with, only that he was dying and wanted to make amends. And he does. He KNOWS in his soul that Dis hates him (even though she never could). And Kíli really has grown in the last few days. Life kinda smacked him in the face and that did hurt and he's going to have to make peace with it eventually. And Thorin really does believe that he's not worthy of forgiveness, poor thing. And i'm glad that it was a touching moment between the brothers. And poor Fili, he doesn't quite get it either :( And don't worry, I'm not thinking of killing Thorin just yet (or really at all).
Ibisca: Thank you so much! I'm glad that you are enjoying this story so much. And I'm sorry that it wasn't soon, but I hope that you enjoyed this update and continue to enjoy this fic.
guest: Thank you so much! I'm glad that you are loving it! And I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship with your father but am glad that this story has helped you find answers. And flattered. I never expected that this story would help anyone. And you weren't alone. Everyone wanted to strangle him :) And there will be more on the way, I just can't guarantee how often it will happen.
Sophia: And they do, those three have huge communication issues :/ Maybe they'll get with the picture. That was a good way to end it, wasn't it? And Kili was jealous, but not of Fili. He was more jealous of Thorin since he didn't see where his uncle deserved to be allowed to see such an intimate moment with his brother after what Thorin had done (he didn't quite realize just yet what a brat he'd been). And Thorin's going to spend a bit needing a hug :( And thank you so much! And that would be a tragic way to end, wouldn't it? And if he dies, they're all doomed. Fíli and Kíli will never recover if they don't get some resolution. And he does need some help. He's had a harsh life and this is only yet more unfairness :( And they're actually at the nests of the eagles. They still have to make their way to the carrock. :)
guest: Thank you! I'm glad that you're loving it!
That's all for now folks, I hope that you're still with me :)Till next time,
Stickdonkeys