Just a heads up, this is the third update in 24 hours, so fair warning and whatnot.
Sorry about the cliffhanger, but look, more story, and an explanation. But I feel the need to warn that this is not a happy, fluffy chapter either. There is some heavy stuff in here, so if you are looking for instant gratification, you have come to the wrong place my friend. Holly has some explaining to do, but given the extent of her behavior lately I think it is safe to say that she has some demons to deal with.
Holly helped Gail clear the kitchen. It was in part for the silence, and in part just to take a moment of normalcy in, a chance to bask in something yet undamaged. But of course, as with all moments it ended too soon. Gail went to the fridge and took out two bottles of water, leaving one on the counter for Holly as she went to take a seat in the living room. Holly made a grab for the bottle, but found herself instead wishing for something a bit stronger. She opened the fridge and was met with disappointment. She could have sworn there were a few beers left. Moving on to the cabinets, she was met with similar results.
"I threw them all out." Gail's voice drifted into the kitchen.
Holly turned towards the sound to find that Gail was facing away from her. She supposed that her efforts would come as no surprised to Gail after the state she found her in. Holly felt guilt wash over her again. She opened the lid to the trash can to spot about a dozen empty bottles of liquor and a few empty bottles of beer sitting at the top. Gail had poured everything out. She sighed to herself and took the bottle of water from the counter, making her way towards the couch.
They sat for a small eternity in silence; Holly unable to meet Gail's questioning eyes. She had no idea how or where to start. Part of her would rather sit through Gail screaming at her than sit in this disappointment. It broke her heart knowing that Gail saw her like this. She owed the woman next to her an explanation but she had no idea how to do it. Her mouth opened and closed, voiceless. She tried to talk only to be met with silence. Holly could feel the tears forming in her eyes already. What if she physically was incapable of speaking? What if Gail would grow impatient and just leave?
Holly's thoughts were quieted suddenly by a hand. A simple gesture offered by Gail, a lifeline really. Holly let Gail's fingers intertwine her own and took a deep breath. She felt her nerves die down slightly as she stopped shaking. Her eyes rose up and met Gail's. Gail looked back into her own, and what Holly saw staring back at her was love and concern. There was no judgment, or disappointment, or anger. It was just Gail, looking for answers, hoping to find that Holly was willing to trust her enough to help.
"I never thought that I would have to deal with this again." Holly managed to squeak out, words finally finding her. "I thought that I had buried this for good. Maybe I didn't bury it deep enough, or maybe I should have just dealt with it in the first place. I don't know, I don't think it really matters anymore. Either way, here we are, and here I am, and I guess it comes time to sort it out."
Holly took a moment to find a starting point. "I guess it is a pretty simple story really. It all goes back to my time overseas. You know what it is like to find yourself in those situations. Where you don't have time to think, and actions are made before you even realize that you have started to move. It's funny what can change in a matter of seconds. I'm not sure what all Greg told you, but I guess I need to start from the beginning."
Gail's grip on her hand tightened and Holly held fast. "We had been in the desert for about 3 months at this point. Greg and I didn't really get on much; we actually kind of despised each other at the time. We got into it pretty bad one night, and he stormed off, trying to cool down some. Emotions run high, and it's so easy to spiral out of control over there. You see so much despair and sadness, and it just does something to you. But anyways, he had gone off and I was left to calm down with Cal and Owen. We talked a lot that night, about the project, and family, and each other. Sometime late that night Greg wandered back in. We decided to all try and get some sleep and start fresh the next morning. But the next day we all woke to a loud bang. There was fighting in the street between some locals. Some of the soldiers there came in to break it up and it turned deadly. There were only a few guys, probably just there to keep the peace, but I guess someone didn't want them there. Two of them were shot dead and the third guy was injured. Everyone in the streets ran for cover, no one knowing where the shots had come from. I ran out to help him, his arm was in pieces, and he was going to bleed out. We didn't spot anyone else around, we had no idea where the rest of their unit was, and we didn't really have much of a choice but to handle things ourselves. We couldn't move him, he would have died on the spot, and we were in the middle of this deserted street, in plain sight of whoever had been shooting. Owen took the man's gun from him and stood lookout while I tried to patch him up. We didn't have much to work with and he didn't have much of a chance of making it in the first place, but I kept trying, even after I should have stopped."
Holly took a moment to collect herself. Gail waited patiently for her to continue. She didn't want to force Holly to relive whatever had happened, but she knew it was a necessary evil. Gail opened the bottle of water for her and urged Holly to take a minute to herself. After she settled herself a bit Holly continued.
"So there I was, kneeling in the street, covered in blood, trying desperately to save this man when we heard shots ring out. They were close, and they were intended for us. Owen was looking around desperately, trying to find who it was, we all were. And then I heard him fire. There was a child, probably no older than 10 or 11 lying in the street. He had a weapon on him, and chances are he was who was firing. Probably dragged into this war at a young age, not knowing what it meant, not realizing the consequences. But Owen had been in the moment, survival instincts running, and he had fired before he had a chance to comprehend how young the child was. I don't know if it would have changed his actions or not, had he had ample time to think, but it didn't matter, it was too late. What was done was done and none of us could change that. Owen ran. Cal and Greg stayed with the kid, trying to figure out what to do next, I went after Owen. I found him in an abandoned building. He was completely broken. I tried to get close to him, but he was hysterical. I don't think I have ever seen someone so defeated before. The closer I got the more he freaked out. He pointed the gun at me demanding I leave him, but I think that he realized what he was doing, and it just made him panic more. I backed off a bit and tried to talk him down, but I think he had made up his mind already. He begged me to leave, but I couldn't. I couldn't give up on him, I had to try something. But in the end, he turned the gun on himself and pulled the trigger. Who knows if I would have done him any good even if I could have stopped him? I don't think he ever would have come to terms with what happened."
So there it was, out in the open. Holly didn't think she would ever talk about that again. A lot had happened in a short time over there. Not even two weeks later was when she was shot. It had been a stray bullet, and she had been lucky enough to only be grazed by it, barely even needing stiches. They had left a month later and went back to their own lives, trying desperately to leave behind the nightmares and memories. Obviously she had never actually gotten around to dealing with the psychological repercussions of those events.
Gail reached out and pulled Holly in, holding her firmly in place. They stayed like that, both caught up in emotions, Gail a bit in shock of what Holly had admitted to her. She let Holly go and held her at arms length, searching for a sign of what to do next.
"I'm sorry Hols. I had no idea."
Holly wiped her eyes and looked up at Gail. "How could you? I never told anyone about it. At least not anyone who I didn't have to tell. Obviously there were inquiries and reports, and of course, we had to finish our work, but after that I didn't speak of it. I never told my parents or friends or anyone about it. I didn't want to think about it ever again. Well a lot of good that did me. Greg tried to get me to go talk to someone about it, but I refused."
Gail nodded in response, and looked for what to say next. "So, that explains why you freaked out when everything about the undercover assignment came out. Too close to home?"
Holly nodded. "Yeah. I guess I just panicked. I saw how terrified you were after you found out about the shooting, and I just pictured Owen again. I saw what it did to him, and I just, I couldn't deal with seeing the same thing happen to you. All of those old memories came back and I just broke. I tried so hard Gail, I really did, but I just couldn't face you. I couldn't see the same looks Owen gave me before he shot himself in your eyes. So instead I drank, and drank some more, and left you alone to figure it out without me. I was a coward, and I failed you."
Gail placed her hands on the side of Holly's face, pulling her gaze up to her own. "Holly, I forgive you okay? I really do, but we have a lot to work on. I'm not Owen. You have to understand that. I'm not going to kill myself. I promise you that. I've been talking to people, to Steve, and to Oliver, and to my shrink, and I'm dealing with things. But you have to deal with your shit too Holly. I am not going to let you destroy yourself. You owe that to yourself, and to me. So we are going to find you a shrink of your own. And you can come to me too, but I think you need to really talk to a professional. And this drinking has to stop. You are an amazing woman Holly Stewart, and you deserve so much more than what you are giving yourself right now. This woman you have become is not you."
Holly placed her hands against Gail's and promised. Gail was right. This new Holly was going to destroy herself, and they both deserved better.