Chapter Thirty-Seven:
Diary – I had no idea back then how I was going to handle this situation. I had so much going through my mind. I remember that I tried to distance myself away from Edward…
I decided that night, when I was unable to sleep due to the droning on of thoughts echoing around my head, that I would be polite and courteous to Edward – but nothing more. I had noticed that when my employer entered the room, my heart raced faster. I found myself lost in thought during random parts of the day wondering what he was doing and what he was thinking about. When I realised that Edward had crept into my mind for the thousandth time that day, I would chide myself. Wasn't I a smart, educated woman with a backbone and force of will of my own? I was out of school and out of my teenage years. I should be beyond silly childish thoughts like crushes or longings for a particular male's attention. I would feel shame and confusion that I could not control my own spirit.
Wasn't Edward a good employer to me? And friend… at times? I need to repay his kindness at least. And his smiles, his laughter. The times we connected, debated over so the moral and ethical aspects of the universe at large. His intelligence matched my own in so many ways. Although he would surprise me often by taking a stand I wouldn't expect when we would converse. It used to draw my passionate side out so that while I started a discourse in a polite tone, my voice would escalate until I would pace around and almost yell whatever values and beliefs I was trying my hardest to defend. Too late I would sense Edward's amusement in the spectacle I was making of myself and realise that once again I had fallen for one of his capers. I used to fall for them so easily at the beginning of our friendship, not realising that Edward's brash nature was not used to a susceptible, sensitive audience and that my usual introverted company was not familiar with his type of humour and amusement. I soon learnt though that my new friend never thought to harass or insult me, but was using his words to draw me out of the protective shell I had built around my person for so long. Though others would see it as abruptive in approach and tact, I somehow found it endearing because every time I did so he would reward me for the risk involved with understanding and…
Even though I am older still now and so far away from him, it seems like I can still make a teenage spectacle of myself. Daft, impractical Jane Eyre. I can't even write about Edward without thinking about how much he meant to me. Back to those early days when I fell in love with him. I'll try again diary to write again without being side-tracked about Edward's charms…
Right… So… I had decided to try and avoid Edward without causing offence. I tried to keep to my usual routine but with some slight alterations. I would arrive a little earlier to the kitchen and prepare everyone's breakfasts, but with the intention of having everything ready by the time my employer came down. I also woke Adele during this time and we would eat with Alex. Adele would ask why we were eating earlier than usual, and I would reply that it was because we had extra lessons that day. She would sometimes pull a face – but I would return one to her. Alex sometimes raised an eyebrow to me, and I knew he understood exactly what I was doing and who I was avoiding. He didn't say anything to me about the matter thankfully. I would shuffle Adele away to our little school rooms and begin our lessons and games.
The one time of the day I couldn't avoid him was the evenings. Maybe it was because I had limited the amount of time I spent in Edward's company that his presence affected me even more acutely during this time. Diary, that sounded like some love sick puppy. Or maybe like some dramatic soap drama or classical romantic novel. In any case, Edward would always be just by my side. Helping me prepare the dinner, sitting by me at dinner, playing with Adele in the living room. I would try to encourage Adele to engage with her father only. 'God knows how long these two have together…' I found myself saying over and over to myself. One evening, I slipped out to escape to my own rooms while they were play fighting with plastic lightsabres. I couldn't repeat my disappearing act again as Edward made a point of including me in conversation as soon as we met, questions about his daughter's day in the classroom, their games once our dinner was done. I tried to be polite but distant. I felt a tightness in my chest whenever Edward and I were close, and was thankful when the time came for Adele to be put to bed so I could escape his presence.
I was surprised later on in the week when Edward offered to assist in our night-time routine.
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