Chapter 38

Dear Tim,

I am glad that you are going back to school. I can see you very easily in a university...more than in the jungle, although I did see you there. I hope that you will tell me when you finish. If I can, I would love to see you graduate, to see you happy. I do not think I have ever seen you that way.

I do not have much time, but I wanted to thank you for your friendship. I have enjoyed your letters.

Ziva.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim applied to MIT and was admitted. Once he was released from the hospital, he went back to Stillwater for a few weeks and then made the move up to Boston. It was a stressful event for him, and he reconsidered it multiple times before his first meeting with his old advisor.

However, by the time classes started, he was ready to get back into the flow of school. The problem was that, while he recognized how much he himself had changed, he hadn't realized how much that would impact his view of schooling. It wasn't that he didn't want it, but he got frustrated more often than he expected. He had a major blow-up in one class and then had to go and talk to Dr. Sumter to explain the problems he was having. He apologized for his behavior, but the damage had been done. Many of the students were much more likely to avoid him than speak to him and when he was in a class, there was a lot of awkward silence.

Tim almost gave up, but he was encouraged to keep trying by all his friends and his mother and sister. He had no interactions with his father, and while he still regretted it and felt some hurt from the rejection, he had to admit that knowing he'd given his dad a chance to change his mind kept him from dwelling on it as much as he might have otherwise.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Dear Ziva,

Thanks for the gift. It's beautiful. I don't think I've ever heard of challah before, but I'll certainly try to find someplace to buy it now just so that I can use the board.

I don't blame you for being ambivalent about how things are changing over there. I saw the news about what happened in Munich. It's horrible. I can't understand why anyone would want to attack the innocent. It seems to be happening more and more. It does seem to be a case of continual retaliation. I wonder how much longer it can go on. For your sake, I hope something changes.

There's a student here. Her name is Erin. She's one of the few female students working with computers here. She's also one of the few students in the program who is willing to associate with me at all. It's nice to have a friend. I think she's sticking with me, at least partially, because she can escape the awkwardness with most of the men in the department. It's hard for the female students because there are so few of them and a lot of the guys just don't know what to do. If they'd just act normal, it'd be fine.

Please stay safe.

Tim.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

In 1973, after the Paris Peace Accords, Tony followed the news about Operation Homecoming. Some of the POWs coming home had been prisoners for six years or more. It was one of those things that brought home how lucky he was and why should he keep waiting for something else when he could grab hold of what he already had.

Decision made, he took a spur-of-the-moment trip to New Orleans...with a ring in his pocket. He took Abby out for a weekend and then popped the question, coming just short of begging her to move to Baltimore and marry him.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Dear Tim,

I will confess that I am surprised Tony is getting married. He did not strike me as that kind of person. Abby put out the image of being a rebel of sorts, but I can see her being thrilled at being able to be married. I hope they will be happy.

I will not depress you with the latest news from Israel, but my father is determined to find some security in our country. He has become more ruthless than I would ever have thought from my memories of childhood. But you and I both know how struggle can change people.

I am not sure Laffy Taffy candy is my favorite that you have sent me, but I enjoy trying them. I am glad that you do not mind sending these sweets to me.

I am safe enough for now.

Ziva.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Gibbs never told Tim about his conversation with his father. He figured that Tim didn't need to know about it. However, he was surprised that he never heard anything about it from any of his superiors. He was happy to let Tim move on and stop thinking about getting his father's approval.

He continued to train snipers at Quantico. It turned out that he fit in the role a lot better than he'd ever have thought he could. This kind of teaching suited him. He enjoyed his position and he was able to take some time off to reconnect with his father as well as to maintain the friendship he had with Ducky. He also kept his eye on his team. He attended Tony and Abby's wedding and enjoyed seeing the offbeat couple. He'd never have expected that. Still, he was happy to see Tony creating his own family. His father had shown up at the wedding, too, but it was clear that their relationship was distant at best. It wasn't acrimonious in any way, but it wasn't close. Abby's family had been extremely friendly and loved Tony.

All in all, he considered his life to be pretty good. He had family, friends, a good job, and hobbies.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Dear Ziva,

I hit a bad stretch in the last few weeks. That's why I haven't written you. I've been trying to deal with it. The short version is that I ran into a group of anti-war protesters, even though the war is officially over. I was out-numbered, and while there was no physical altercation, I came away feeling like the bad guy. They were calling me a murderer and other awful things. I ended up hiding in my apartment for days. I skipped classes, unplugged the phone and locked my door. Erin got someone to break in, basically, and I've been reluctantly reconnecting. One of the things about being in Stillwater was that I could hide from that stuff. Seeing it again is hard.

Now that I'm reluctantly attending classes again, I am enjoying it. Professor Sumter has been very understanding and he doesn't try to make me regret my service.

I've been reading more about Judaism just in the hopes of learning about your culture. I am still amazed that you have a country after so many years of exile. I'm not really a churchgoer, but I've been praying for you...if the prayers of a Christian are okay for a Jew.

Tim.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim didn't go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas again in 1973. Instead, he joined Ducky whose mother died at the beginning of November. Tony and Abby came as well. Gibbs and Jack were invited, too, and it became another holiday spent in each other's company. There was one addition to the group at Thanksgiving: Tim's sister Sarah. She couldn't bear the thought of spending another major holiday separated from her brother and so she also came to Ducky's house in Reston. Jimmy and Breena were spending the holiday with family.

At the holiday, he talked with Ducky more about his continuing problems. It had now been close to four years since he had come back from Vietnam and yet he still had the nightmares and he still suffered from the occasional flashback as the episodes were starting to be called. More and more of the psychiatric community was viewing the kinds of problems Tim was having as an actual disorder, not just an issue unique to him and his situation. The upshot of that was the validation that he was not just weak. It made the continuing problem easier to deal with.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Dear Tim,

I will not be able to come to your graduation although I wish I could. Circumstances will not allow it. There is too much chaos after the war last year as well as the massacres. I thought that the deaths of children in Vietnam was the worst I could have seen. It is not. I feel those who would take children hostage and kill them should spend all of eternity suffering for what they do.

Please know that I will be thinking of you on the day of your graduation. I liked the Tootsie Rolls, and I was surprised that the company was founded by a Jew.

Good luck, and now that you are finishing, I hope that you get the job you want.

Ziva.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim wasn't sure about what was coming. Graduation meant lots of people seeing him all at once and he was afraid of having some kind of a meltdown again. He took a breath and looked at himself in the mirror. No putting it off. Sarah and his mom would be on campus already. He couldn't keep hiding out.

As if to remind him of that, there was a knock on the door. He walked over and opened it.

"Come on, Tim. I'm not letting you hide in here anymore," Erin said. "It's time to graduate and you're not making me march by myself."

Tim smiled.

"Okay, okay. I was just getting ready to leave when you knocked. Honestly."

"Good. Let's go. Everything will be fine, especially if you stop worrying about it."

"Yeah, I know." Tim took another breath and let Erin drag him out of the apartment. They walked to campus together. Erin gestured for Tim to go find his family while she scouted out hers.

"Tim! Over here!"

He heard Sarah's call and walked over to a small knot of people. When he got there, he realized that there were more people than he'd expected. Sarah still looked a little awkward, as she always had since he'd come back from Vietnam. He supposed he couldn't blame her, but it was sad sometimes that his little sister wasn't comfortable around him anymore.

The others didn't show any of that. Tony and Abby were there, and Tim was amazed anew at how different Abby was. He'd seen a glimpse of a tattoo when she was in Vietnam. She had them on display now. More than one...and yet, somehow, it worked for her. Tony seemed positively staid beside her, but his jaunty grin showed that he didn't care one bit. Gibbs still looked the same. Same military haircut, same stern expression although he did smile when Tim joined them. Ducky was looking older, but still much the same. Jack was standing by Gibbs and when Gibbs smiled, they looked the same. Tim spared a thought to wishing that Ziva was there, too, but he pushed that away. He didn't want to mar this day with wishes that couldn't happen.

He came over and modeled his graduation robes.

"What do you think?" he asked with a smile.

They all applauded.

"You look great, Tim!" Abby said.

"Thanks, Abby. I'd rather just skip the ceremony, though."

"You're doing the right thing, Tim," Gibbs said. "Don't let anyone else take that from you."

Tim nodded.

After a few minutes, it was time to go and line up. Tim met up with Erin and they headed in. They marched to the commencement space. The speeches were typical and Tim didn't pay much attention to them. Then, they were called up to march across the stage. Tim applauded loudly when Erin's named was called. A few minutes later, Tim heard his name. He stood up and headed for the stage.

He heard the applause...but then, there was something else behind the sound of the applause. He paused and looked out and saw the same group who had dogged him the year before. They were making catcalls and shouting epithets at him. Tim felt the lead balloon swell up in his stomach and all the satisfaction from finishing his degree vanish. He walked to where the president of the university was waiting to give him his degree. He couldn't even muster a smile.

Then, he heard something else cutting across the silence that had fallen in the wake of the shouting. He wasn't sure what it was at first, but then, he started to hear words and he paused again although he wanted nothing more than to run off the stage.

"...for right and freedom
and to keep our honor clean
We are proud to claim the title
Of United States Marine."

It was the Marine's Hymn. Tony, Gibbs, Jack and Abby had started singing it at the top of their lungs. As he stood there, he saw others stand up and start singing as well...including Erin among the graduates. To his surprise, though, she wasn't the only one. He didn't know that she even knew the words.

"Here's health to you and to our Corps
Which we are proud to serve;
In many a strife we've fought for life
And never lost our nerve;
If the Army and the Navy
Ever look on Heaven's scenes;
They will find the streets are guarded
By United States Marines."

By the last verse, even some of the faculty on the stage were singing along. The catcalls were drowned out. He felt someone behind him.

"Go on down, son."

Tim looked back over his shoulder. It was the president of MIT. He gave Tim a sympathetic smile.

"Go on."

Tim nodded and hurried off the stage, back to his seat. He didn't hear a word for the rest of the ceremony. When it was over, he left as soon as he could get out of his seat. A lot of the graduates congratulated him when he passed them, but Tim just wanted to get away. He reached the open air. Then, he was surrounded by his friends and family.

Tim closed his eyes.

"Will I ever get away from that?" he asked softly.

"Not with some people," Gibbs said. "You can't listen to them. Listen to the people who matter."

"Thanks for singing," Tim said.

"It was nice to get to sing it again," Tony said. "Haven't had many reasons to do it. There's a great movie about the Marine Corps. Halls of Montezuma. I saw it once as part of a double feature."

Tim looked at Tony and smiled.

"I saw that one."

"You did? I didn't think you were a movie guy."

Tim shrugged.

"Where do you think I got the idea to join the Marine Corps?"

Tony gave Tim a hearty thump on the back.

"I hate being a target," Tim said.

Margaret hugged him.

"You've done a wonderful job, Tim. Don't let them ruin your day. This is an important step you've taken."

Then, she added in a whisper, "Your father is proud of you, too. Maybe some day, he'll come to his senses and tell you himself."

They went to a nice restaurant for dinner, although Tim still wanted to hide away, but while they were eating he had a thought.

"I hated that up on the stage," he said.

Everyone quieted down.

"I really hated it. I almost felt sick...hearing them." He looked around at them. "But I didn't...I didn't have a flashback. I didn't...lose control. That's...getting better, isn't it?"

"Absolutely, Timothy," Ducky said quickly. Maybe a bit too quickly. "You are much improved from when I saw you the first time after your return."

"But I'll never be the same."

"No. Likely not, but you're getting your life back together and that matters."

Tim nodded.

"I just wanted to say it," he said with a weak smile. "I've complained enough. I figured I could say something positive...just once."

Sarah hugged him tightly.

"You'll always be my brother, Tim. No matter what."

Tim hugged her back.

"Thanks, Sarah."

After dinner, they went their separate ways, but Tim was awake for a long time that night. Remembering the past. Remembering who and what he had been.

"I, Timothy McGee, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the Orders of the Officers appointed over me, according to the regulations and the uniform code of military justice. So help me God."

He had felt a part of something larger than himself, more important than himself. He had been a part of a group, part of a team. He had been full of a desire to do more and be more. His time spent in Vietnam had changed him, had tempered that desire, but it hadn't removed it. Even with all the problems he'd had in the past and the problems he would face in the future, that was still what he wanted and he didn't regret going. He wasn't sure what he'd end up doing with his life now, but he was sure that he couldn't hide as he sometimes wanted to, still. There were too many things wrong with the world for him to keep away from it.

Finally, late in the night, he got up from his bed, turned on a lamp and started to write.

Dear Ziva,

I can't explain how I feel right now in words, but something happened today. Well, a lot of things happened today. It was graduation. I wished that you had been here, but I understand that you can't. I've realized that I can't accept doing nothing. No more than I could have stood by while my squad attacked you. I can't stand aside and let the world get worse without at least trying to make it better.

I don't know where that will lead me, but it is something I feel has to guide whatever choice I make. With all the problems I'm still having, I need to be true to who I am and what I really want.

I hope that I can see you again some day.

Stay safe,

Tim