Wickedgal08: "update soon! or else i shall set Sayid on ya lol" :O /hides/
"fantastic new update!!" Thank You ! :D
BrCl Girl: "No, don't tell me Danny is dead! I don't really feel anything speciel towards the guy (I like Boone & Sawyer way better!), but he didn't have to die.." Yeah, I didn't want to kill him, but I thought that it would create a love trapezoid. I'm talking about Ana, Boone and Sawyer… That's why I decided to off poor Danny.
"Well, I guess a story isn't really awesome without a hell lot of angst (;" You're right ! :D
My apologies for the long wait ! I've been really busy, because of school, besides I was also stuck to my other Sana fic. I'm really sorry, that it took me so long.
Chapter 37 : "I can't hate you."
"So where is he? That Danny guy isn't invisible, now, is he?" Sawyer asked and Ana rolled her eyes.
"He'll be out in a min--"
She didn't manage to finish her sentence and there was a loud explosion and the three of them were forced forward forcefully.
One week later
The pain was almost too much for her. Soon enough she found herself not feeling anything, but regret, guilt and hate. She still had the sight of Danny's house in fire in her mind and she was sick of it already. She wanted to get rid of it. Even though it was one week ago, her wound was fresh and she felt, is if it happened just one second ago…
Was it some kind of punishment for her? Some kind of test to make her stronger. Well if it was, then it didn't work. She had never felt weaker in her entire life.
Ana blinked away her tears, covering herself with a blanket more tightly, as she hugged her knees to her chest, resting her head on them. She hadn't been crying. In fact, she wanted to, but not knowing why she couldn't. Something was blocking her. And she wanted it to let go and to let her cry.
She heard a rustle of tarps behind her and she knew someone had entered her shelter.
"Whoever you are …" she managed to choke out weakly "… go away."
But the person didn't listen, but approached her and she lifted her gaze to see Sayid standing in front of her. Her eyes widened in surprise and she stopped herself from gasping, as he sat down beside her, watching her not with hatred or disgust, but with tenderness and sadness.
"How are you?"
Ana stared at him in amazement and shrugged, knowing that her heart started beating faster. He was watching her carefully for a minute and then looked away. They were sitting in silence for a while, until he decided to break it once again:
"Who was he? That man, who you were coming for."
Ana swallowed and stared at her boots blankly.
"My … friend." She mumbled quietly, not looking at him at all. Sayid nodded slowly.
"I see."
There was a silence again and after several heavy minutes Ana asked:
"Why does it hurt so much?"
He glanced at her with soft eyes, observing her and noticing the state she was in.
"I'll tell you why."
Ana swallowed hard and turned to him, their eyes connecting.
"Because you loved him." The Iraqi stated quietly and her eyes glistened even more. He nodded and added: "You loved that man."
Ana's lips trembled, but she quickly clenched her jaw, looking away.
"Long time ago." She announced "It was before the crash, long time ago..."
He just nodded… there was nothing really else to be said. He knew exactly, how hard was to him to get over Shannon… He still actually wasn't completely over her…
"He lied to me." Ana stated suddenly, shaking him out of his thoughts.
"I beg your pardon?" the Iraqi asked, frowning questioningly.
"And I believed him…" she laughed, though Sayid knew, that it was the sarcastic, dry and cold kind of laughter. "I was such a stupid--"
She cut herself off and he didn't understand her. What was she talking about? She seemed to read his mind, because she gazed at him with amazing soft and sad eyed and continued:
"Remember, what I told you about the man, who shot me?"
"Yes."
"I was pregnant. And I lost the baby."
Sayid's eyebrows furrowed, as he was taken aback immediately. So that was one of the reason, why Ana Lucia was so hard to live with… at least sometimes…
"All that, because of some friggin' dumbass, who wanted to steal something and shot a police officer, who just happened to be pregnant at that time… And he left me with nothing… Just because he wanted to take some dvd player or some shit like that."
He had no idea, what to say… Maybe she was really misunderstood by the people. Life wasn't easy with him too, but he couldn't even imagine, how he would have taken the death of his own child … No, nobody deserved this.
"So tell me, Sayid … Was it worth it? Was the goddamned dvd player worth my baby's life?" Ana questioned him, realizing how much the fact was still hurting her, whenever she mentioned it.
Of course not… Was your eagerness worth Shannon's life? He wanted to ask, but he stopped himself. But if it was true… if that was the reason, why Shannon had to die…
"It was cold… and it was raining… Cindy was taken… Sawyer was unconscious… I didn't know, where to go…" She blurted out quietly, staring at her knees. "It was so cold and I just… I didn't know, what to do…"
Sayid looked at her and he already knew, what she was talking about…
"And then she suddenly came out of the bushes… I was so afraid, that if I hesitate again, then something else will be taken away from me..."
He swallowed hard, closing his eyes, not wanting to open them ever again…
"And it turned out, that I was wrong… again." Ana breathed, not daring to look at him "I am so tired of making mistakes over and over again… When I wanted to do things right for the first time… it ended up with me loosing everything and everyone I had…"
Sayid started breathing slower, feeling a little better actually. Knowing, that this woman, who killed his Shannon didn't do it, because it was her will or something like that… She did it, because of everything, that happened to her and he really understood her suffering… because he was still suffering inside too….
"I would have died to save my baby…" she spoke softly after a while and then stared at him surely and added "I would have died to save Shannon and Danny too."
Flashback
One week ago
They fell on the ground a few meters away. Ana groaned in pain and pulled herself up a little, looking over her shoulder and her eyes widened at the sight. Danny's house was in fire and he was nowhere to be seen. She gasped breathlessly and got up slowly, feeling the effects of the hit. Sawyer stood up quickly as he saw her running towards the house. He caught up with her and grabbed her around her waist, pulling her back.
"Danny! No, let go of me, Sawyer! Danny! I said let go of me!"
Boone was watching the scene in shock, not being able to move at all.
"Ana, stop it!"
"No, he's there, I have to go get him!" she yelled, keep struggling to get herself free from his grasp.
"You can't help him now!"
"Danny! No, let go, Sawyer, Dan--!"
"Boone, come over here, dammit!" the Southerner shouted, holding fighting Ana tightly against him, her back pressed to his chest "You can't help him! Boone, Goddammit!"
He shook his head firmly, getting up and running over to screaming Ana and helpless Sawyer, who was desperately trying to calm her down.
"Get your hands off of me! I gotta go get him, I gotta--"
"The house is in fire, Ana!" Boone screamed, as soon as he made his way to them. She stopped struggling and looked at him, hot tears already forming in her eyes.
"In fire!" he repeated, as she was staring at him in shock, breathing heavily, still in Sawyer's arms. She moved again to get away from him and Boone grabbed her shoulders.
"In fire, Ana, it's in fire…" he said quietly now. She let out a suppressed gasp and shook her head, not wanting to believe him. Just then a sound of shooting ringed out and Sawyer looked around, alarmed, then stared at Boone.
"We have to go. Now."
Boone glanced at him and then back at Ana, nodding.
"Come on, we gotta go." He told her softly, trying to tag her along with him, as he moved to walk away, but she wasn't letting him.
"No!" she cried, shaking her head unconsciously "No, no, no…"
And before Boone or Sawyer managed to say something, Ana was struggling again, screaming Danny's name.
A small group of people emerged from the dark jungle and as soon as Sawyer spotted them, he cursed under his breath and yelled:
"We gotta go now! They're comin'! Ana, c'mon!"
But she was still fighting both of them, trying to run away. Boone grabbed her arm hard, so hard, that it made her wince in pain, as she was screaming uncontrollably.
"He's dead, Ana, come on! Come on!" he yelled at her, not caring about the harshness of his words right then. And he started running away, tagging her alone forcefully and Sawyer's eyes widened in shock, before he shook his head and followed them.
The only thing she had in her mind was Danny's face and then his burning house and then back his face again and she was about to pass out, knowing that he's … gone… just like everybody else… Her baby, her mom, Mike, Emma and Zack, Cindy, Shannon…
Why does everybody leave her?
The End of flashback
"It wasn't you to kill Shannon." Sayid announced, glaring at the floor of her shelter and she sent him a confused look, wondering, what he meant.
"It was them." The Iraqi added coldly, hatred filling his empty, dead eyes at the mention of the others. "I don't blame you for her death, Ana Lucia."
She didn't know, what to say. Finally she got up the guts to apologize him and it ended up with him saying, that he doesn't blame her. It was like a music for her ears.
Flashback
5 days ago
"So how's she doin'?"
Boone snorted and then faced the sad Southerner, staring at him without any emotions in his eyes.
"She doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep, she barely talks… How do you think she's doing, Sawyer?"
The Blonde man dropped his gaze down, swallowing hard and breathing heavily.
"Is … is there anything I can do for her?"
"I don't think so." Boone told him coldly, not even knowing why he was so bitter to Sawyer, while none of it was his fault.
"Maybe I could convince her to eat somethin'…" Sawyer offered, trying to feel useful and wanting to be helpful. He just wanted to take away some of Ana's pain.
"Listen…" Boone snapped, already annoyed "Even I'm not able to convince her, so I don't think you will be."
Ouch…
He shouldn't have said that. Now Sawyer's sad look turned into angry glare.
"So that's what you think, huh?!" the Southerner yelled furious "You think, that you're the only person, that she would wanna listen to! And y'know what? You're wrong! Besides, you're not gonna forbid me see her! I'll go to her if I want to and you won't be stoppin' me, Hick!"
And with that he stormed off, leaving Boone alone at the beach with people, who were glancing at him weirdly.
Sawyer let out a furious groan, as he was approaching Ana's tent. Who the hell he thinks he is!?
He pushed the tarp aside and entered the shelter, trying to calm down.
She was laying on the blankets, her back turned on the entry. He didn't even manage to open his mouth, when her weak voice called out:
"Go away, Jack! I told you to keep away from me! I don't want to eat, nor drink, nor sleep! Just leave me alone, will ya!?"
"Ana…" Sawyer gasped out, horrified. She let out a heavy breath, realizing it wasn't Jack.
"What do you want?" Ana asked quietly, still not turning to look at him.
"Talk to you." He answered simply, approaching her slowly.
"Go away…" she choked out heavily.
"No." Sawyer objected firmly. There was no way he could leave her now.
"Get out!" she snapped louder, but she knew he wouldn't listen.
"No!" he hissed, sitting down beside her and grabbing her shoulder, trying to turn her around.
"No, I'm not gonna make it!"
"Look at me!"
"Leave me alone!"
"What's the matter with you!? Get yourself together!"
"Screw you, Sawyer! You have no idea, how it's like to be a misunderstanding! To know, that everything you do is wrong!" Ana yelled, finally turning to glare at him with rage. He stared at her, as if he couldn't believe it was actually Ana Lucia, the toughest girl he ever met.
Her eyes were red and puffy from the lack of sleep, her bronze skin was pale and her hair was messy.
His face expression softened, as he pulled her into a sitting position.
"I have no idea? Look, who you're talkin' to. I'm the biggest island's jerk. Everyone thinks, that I'm just a sarcastic asshole, who doesn't care about anything and anyone else, but himself."
Ana let out a deep breath, gaping at him, her face expressing anger, her eyes filling with pure sadness.
"But they're wrong. I do care. I care about you not eating, I care about you not sleeping, I care about you." Sawyer stated quietly, not ashamed of his words at all. "And I'm really sorry about your friend's death, but please, Ana, don't do this to yourself…"
She stared deep into his soft eyes and she knew he meant all of it.
"It is not your fault…" he told her softly, cupping her cheeks with his hands. "Stop blaming yourself for it… don't feel guilty."
"But I shouldn't have let him stay! I should have taken him with me!"
"No, Chica... It was his decision."
She shook her head, wanting to protest.
"I just have enough…" Ana cried out quietly "I can't do this anymore… I have no strength…"
"Listen to me.."
"No, Sawyer… I'm done. I'm too weak for this…I can't take this life anymore…"
"Stop it!" Sawyer warned her sternly. "What happened with the toughest chick on the whole, bloody island, huh?"
She was remaining silence, staring at her hands.
"What happened with the strongest and bravest girl alive?"
"She's here." Ana said, gazing up at the Southerner with empty eyes. "…Sitting in front of you."
"No…" Sawyer shook his head "That's not her… That's not Lucy I used to know."
She swallowed hard and looked down. He put his finger under her chin and made her look back up at him again.
"Come back to me…"
"I am here…"
"No… I want my Chica back. I want her smiles, jokes, frowns and everything, what makes me love her…"
She almost flinched.
Sawyer froze immediately after saying it and she knew it had had to slip out of his tongue. But did he mean it?
"What did you say?" she asked quietly and he dropped his hand, having no idea, what to reply. The silence was eating them both up and Ana was the first one to break it.
"Sawyer, what did you say?"
"You bloody heard, what I said, Lucy…" he growled, gaping at her "Don't pretend you didn't…"
She opened her mouth slightly, as if to say something, but she already knew no sound would come out. What the hell was she supposed to say? Why did he have to tell her something like… that, when she's at the verve of breaking down, waiting for something to unblock her, so that she could finally cry.
Now Sawyer was the one, who got tired of the silence.
"You won't say anythin'?"
She simply stared at him.
"Ana…?"
Nothing.
Sawyer let out a heavy sigh and got up.
"Fine."
And he stormed off her shelter, pushing the tarp aside, using a little bit too much power to do this. Ana blinked quickly, as if to check if that wasn't just a dream.
She was staring at the entry for a minute, before laying back down and falling asleep for the first time, since Danny's death.
The End of flashback
"So… you and Boone… are close, aren't you?"
Ana dropped her gaze, ashamed. She knew Sayid wasn't keen on her and that the fact about Shannon's stepbrother making friends with her killer got to him too. And she couldn't blame him.
"Uh… we're just friends." She whispered in response, not making an eye-contact with him. He gazed at her, frowning and then a small smirk appeared on his face. She noticed it from the corner of her eye.
"What?" Ana questioned quietly, as she turned to look at him, curious. The Iraqi sent her a look, shrugging.
"I'm just surprised…" he stated slowly "How can you be such a bad liar, when you're a cop?"
She raised her eyebrows at this and the laughed briefly, shaking her head.
"I'm not lying, Sayid. We're only friends."
"Maybe you just want to think you're just friends, because you know you can be nothing more to him?"
Good point.
"No… I can control myself." Ana said firmly and his smirk faded. She sent him a questioning look and then understood herself. Again there was Shannon in the picture. If she could control herself, nothing would happen. And it doesn't really matter, what she meant. Control is control. If you think you can control yourself, you need to do it, when it comes to hard situations and your own feelings…
And Ana Lucia definitely couldn't control herself.
Maybe long time ago… until she met Boone. She shouldn't have let herself feel anything for the man in the first place. She should have stayed away from him. She didn't. Now she's paying for it.
Flashback
3 days ago
"You all right?"
"I was."
"But?"
"You came in."
"That's not really nice."
"Sorry… Want to be alone."
Jack let out a deep breath. He was slowly starting giving up. Ana was the type of girl, who never listens… no matter what.
"I heard, that Libby made you eat something."
"You heard wrong."
"How's that?"
"She didn't see me eating, did she?"
The doctor shook his head, sighing heavily. Ana was the most stubborn woman he ever met.
"You need to eat, Ana." Jack tried one more time, his voice sounding desperately.
She didn't turn around to face him… didn't reply. There was no reaction from her.
There was just one person, who could talk some sense into her.
"Boone!"
The man turned around to see a very tired Jack, running to catch up to him.
"Hey, everythin' all right? Something's wrong with Ana?" Boone asked with a concern in his voice.
"Yeah!" the doctor gasped out, as he finally managed to make his way to the other man. "We thought Libby had given her some fruits, remember?"
"Yeah…" Boone said slowly "What she didn't!?"
"She did! But Ana didn't eat them at all!"
"What!?"
"She promised Libby she'd eat them later, but she didn't! She hid them under her blankets."
"You've got to be kidding me, man!"
"No! And that means, that Ana had nothing in her mouth for four days by now!"
Boone cursed silently under his breath, taking his head in his hands in desperation.
"Listen, she's very weak now… Maybe in normal state she would handle it, but now... If she doesn't eat or drink anything soon…she's gonna dehydrate."
He stared at the doctor in disbelief. That was not happening…
"You need to convince her somehow…
"But she doesn't wanna talk to anyone…"
"Figure something out. Make her listen, threaten her if you have to. Do, what you want…"
Boone ran a hand through his short hair, sighing.
"…, but do it fast."
The End of flashback
Ana didn't want to kill anyone. She just wanted to protect her friends. She didn't mean for this to happen.
But she did kill a girl and it was wrong.
Doing wrong for right reasons…
But there is a line between wrong and right. And she was right on it.
"Why'd you come here, Sayid?" Ana broke the uncomfortable silence suddenly. The Iraqi stared at her with rose eyebrows.
"I think there's no need for lying now, so I'm gonna tell you the truth."
She nodded slowly, waiting for whatever was to come.
Flashback
2 days ago
Boone rubbed the back of his neck and shook his legs nervously, while sitting in front of a shelter, waiting.
Was it a good idea? Maybe he should let it go and go away, before--
"Oh… hello."
Too late.
"Hey, Sayid."
"You're waiting for me?"
"Uh… yeah, I am."
"What do you want?" the Iraqi questioned, while entering his shelter. Boone let out a deep breath and got up, following him.
"It's about Ana."
Sayid winced a little at her name, but quickly hid it and glanced at him with rose eyebrows.
"What about her?"
"She's not doin' really good…"
"You mean?"
"She doesn't want to talk to anyone… she doesn't eat, doesn't drink…She's completely crushed after Danny's death."
"And what do you want me to do about this?" Sayid asked not really friendly.
"I know, how you'll feel about this, but… I need you to talk to her."
The Iraqi's gaze darkened immediately.
"Why me?"
"I think, that you could convince her to… let it go. Jack said she can dehydrate… We're worried…"
"What makes you think I'll be able to convince her to anything?"
Boone swallowed hard and looked away. God, he'd rather eat a spider instead of talking to the man.
"I believe, that she needs someone to unblock her… , so that she could get herself together."
"And you're not able to do it?"
"I.. I don't think so…"
"What about Sawyer?"
Boone grimaced a little at the mention of the Southerner and Sayid noticed it and rolled his eyes.
"I see… you didn't even ask him, did you?"
"No. Look, all you need to do is just talk to her. You gotta break her."
"I'd rather eat a spider…"
Boone frowned at this. That man can read his mind or what?
"Please, Sayid… She really needs help."
"If you care so much about her, then go and help her yourself."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I already forgave her!" Boone blurted out at the surprised Sayid, whose eyes widened a little.
"So… you want me to forgive her? For killing Shannon? Is that, what you want?"
"Yes... "
"Why do you think it'll be enough for her?"
He froze at this question and broke eye contact, looking down at his shoes.
"Because… it kinda… happened before."
"What do you mean?"
"After the incident in the hatch, when I wanted…" Boone paused "… when I wanted to kill her… , I saw her crying and… and that's when I forgave her. She pulled herself together after this."
Sayid furrowed his eyebrows and nodded in understanding.
There was a silence for a while, before Boone decided to look up.
"So will you talk to her?"
The Iraqi clenched his fists a little, before relaxing and gazing back into the other man's eyes.
"I will."
"God, thank you, Sayid!"
He just nodded in response and after a second narrowed his eyes at Boone, curiously.
"Just tell me one thing."
"Whatever you want!"
"What do you feel for her?"
Now Boone's eyes widened, as he stared at Sayid, shocked. The question was thrown at him, like thousands of stones. He opened his mouth, though no sound came out.
And the silence was enough answer for Sayid.
The End of flashback
"I knew Boone had something to do with it." Ana announced, sighing and shaking her head.
"He was really worried. I thought he was gonna hug me, when I agreed. He and Jack were getting desperate slowly."
She looked surprised at this, as she stared up and gazed into his eyes. She didn't expect that kind of attention.
"When Shannon died…" Sayid started quietly, making her sniff slightly. "… I thought I'd never be able to smile again… and yet… I am."
Ana felt her lips tremble a little and she frowned at this. Was she about to break down finally? She didn't let even one tear fall down, since Danny's death, though she knew she needed to cry. But something was blocking her and she couldn't.
"Death of someone we knew and…" he paused for a second "… loved is kind of thing we have to be ready to deal with. It happens all the time to people and yet they finally manage to get themselves together and just get through the pain. Death is a part of our life."
Her eyes watered, her hands shook and she parted her lips slightly, sighing softly.
His words were soothing and amazing.
"What would Danny say if he was here?"
Ana ran a hand through her hair and stared at him unsurely.
"He'd tell me not to blame myself."
"That's right. You're killing yourself, because of something, that's not your fault." Sayid continues and she could feel hot tears in her eyes, that were fighting to get free.
"So for the sake of your life and everyone you love… Let Danny go."
Could she do it? Could she really let him go and just forget?
"Help me…" Ana pleaded him, at the verge of tears.
"What can I do?" Sayid asked her, his eyes watching her with sadness and compassion.
"Forgive me." She breathed, looking deep into his dark eyes, that held no hatred anymore. He smiled a little and patted her shoulder with tenderness.
"I already have."
And just then Ana finally cried, aching for everything, that happened in her life. She wiped for her baby, mother, Shannon and Danny.
She smiled through her tears and the Iraqi, feeling, that her heart warmed up immediately.
"Thank you." Two words, that have so much power it's almost impossible.
Sayid returned her weak smile and got up slowly. He was about to leave, when there was a sound, resembling a rumble of hundreds drums.
He smirked and looked down at Ana, who blushed a little and patted her stomach.
"I think someone's hungry here, huh?" Sayid questioned and she nodded with enthusiasm.
"I'd eat everything now. Even a spider…"
He frowned a little at this. She was a mind reader or what?
"That can be arranged."
Ana rolled her eyes, chuckling a little and he exited her shelter. She didn't even manage to sigh, when another person entered with something in his hands.
"Hungry much?"
She laughed at Boone, as he approached her and sat down, smiling at her.
"Jin's fish and fresh fruits for you, ma'am."
Later
Ana Lucia was so full, that she could barely move.
So she decided to lay down… on Boone's chest.
"I don't think I'm gonna be hungry for the next three years." She whispered and he chuckled at this.
"Really now?"
She nodded against his shoulder, sighing softly. The effects of not eating and sleeping well started affecting her.
"Sayid told me, that you asked him to come."
Boone looked down at her, frowning.
"He did, huh?"
"Yeah…" Ana sighed "He said you were worried."
"Well, I was…"
"Thank you… for being here.. for everything."
"You're welcome" he responded, smiling and wrapping his arm around her waist and she snuggled closer.
"You know you should hate me, right?" she asked, just above a whisper. Her voice was very weak and tired. He furrowed his eyebrows, surprised, that she brought it up completely out of nowhere.
"Yeah.. I know."
She closed her eyes, breathing steadily and waiting for him to say something more, but she had no strength to ask him.
"I can't hate you." He stated suddenly, feeling her stir a little.
"Why?" Ana breathed quietly, before falling asleep.
Boone stared down at her and smiled a little at the sleeping peacefully Latina.
Why? Why was it so hard for him to hate her?
He was asking himself that question and he could not think of any answer…
A/N: Again I'm SO sorry for the long wait ! You can blame it on my freaking school too... :(
. I hope there's still someone, who wants to read the fic…
But guys, I think it was the longest chapter ever!
Oh and btw, I made a vid, which is based on this fic. If Ur interested, go to YouTube and search for: 'Lost - You can't help who you love (Ana&Boone).
Next Chapter: Kate tries to apologize to Jack, but he doesn't want to talk to her. Sawyer goes to Ana and it turns out, that she already knows, that he's the reason of the couple's argument. He gets angry, that she doesn't really care about the fact he kissed Kate, who's totally crushed, when she sees Jack and Juliet together. In the meanwhile, Sawyer notices the tension between Ana and Boone. Both, Kate and Sawyer are hurt, what makes them do something very stupid, what only is gonna make the whole situation worse…