So Just so you all know...

Yeah that last chapter killed me to write, I have a really bad habit of making myself get upset over this story in particular.

I do not own Harry Potter.

Chapter 37

Sleeping Problems

James was still awake. It was 5:00 monday morning and he was still awake. The only good thing he had going was that due to the massive attack on Hogsmede classes had been cancelled until Wednesday. All of the staff were helping in town for the next few days, they were working in three rotating shifts, monitor the school, help the town, and sleep. They were all taking it in turns.

James only job right now was taking care of Lily. In fact the other seventh year prefects had divied up the rounds so he could do so. Now his only problem was even though she was sleeping, he couldn't. Nothing he did worked. He had not slept since friday night. Everytime he closed his eyes he would see Lily's eyes, her amazing emerald eyes that were now streaked with bloody red tinge. Madam Pomphrey said it would indeed go away but it would take a bit. Eyes were tricky things to heal. Everytime the room got too quiet he would hear her scream.

The memory of that scream ripped through him like a knife, it literally felt like someone was ripping him apart. He could have kept that from happening to her and he didn't. He knew she was glad he saved the boys, she had told him so. So had Vinniah, but even still his heart ached at not saving his Lily. And he knew, even though Sirius had wanted him to save the kids, that he felt guily too. Sirius and Vinniah were infact using James' room right now. It was the only way they could stay together. And seeing as he wasn't leaving Lily's side ever again, he didn't need it right now.

He leaned up on his elbow and looked down at her sleeping. She had her back to him and the covers thrown off her. Her hair was in a ponytail and she was wearing a pair of thin cotton pants and a tiny little tank top. He could see the line of her ribs through it and could watch her tummy suck in a little as she breathed. It forcibly reminded him of how hard she had to breathe in while screaming. He was surprised to see the small circluar wet spots on the side of her shirt where his tears had fallen. He hadn't even noticed he was crying. He moved to wipe his face.

His motion made her move, she rolled to her back and he gently let his hand rest on her stomach. He watched in horror as she sat up flailing her arms and screaming. He tried to pull her into his arms to calm her down. To let her know it was him.

"Lils, Lils, I'm sorry it was me, it was just me. I am sorry, I forgot. Lily baby it's me please, I am so sorry." he said as he held her close and moved her hair from her face. He rubbed her cheeks and kisses the tears out of her eyes.

She looked up at him, her screams had subsided and she was only hiccuping slightly. It hurt his soul to see the broken blood vessels in the whites of her eyes.

"I'm sorry James I am. I have to calm down. It is ok for you to touch me it is." she said, she almost sounded ashamed of herself.

"Lily, it isn't your fault, it was the last place you felt him touch you. I have to remember not to touch your stomach, that's all. I am so sorry. It isn't your fault." he whispered into her hair.

Her tear drops fell onto his arms.

"James I don't want to not to touch me. I love you, I want you to be able to touch me. It isn't ok that you can't." she replied twisting around so she could look at him.

He scooted his back against the headboard of her bed and situated her better on his lap. They were both sitting cross-legged she just happend to be sitting in the crook of his legs with her legs wrapped around his waist. He placed one hand on the small of her back and continued to twirl her hair with the other.

"Lily, I will love you forever, whether I can touch you or not. It is ok, I need to wait a while, to give you time. And I am ok with that. I mean it never should have happened anyways. I couldn't protect you Lil, I will at least protect you now." he said placing a kiss on her lips.

"Jamie, I want you to know one thing, you did what you needed to do. Sirius was right, I would rather die than see you be one of his. ANd those babies did not deserve to get hurt." she said, it felt like she was looking straight into his soul.

"You didn't deserve it either Lily."

"James, I refuse to let you blame yourself. I love you, I want us to be normal, alot of people are going to be killed, alot of people are going to be tortured, and a lot of people are going to make the wrong decision. But we aren't going to do that. Even if it means watching the other go throug hell, we will always do what is right. And you did." she finished returning his kiss.

He smiled at her so very innocent eyes before she laid her head on his shoulder. They didn't need to speak anymore about it. They both knew they would be ok. James leaned his head back against the hard headboard and fell asleep. It didn't matter that tomorrow he wasn't going to be able to move his neck. Or that when he woke up his legs would be so numb that he wouldn't be able to walk for an hour. Right now this was the most at peace he had been in days, and he finally fell asleep.