Because Of Me
Kelly sat at Stella's bedside as she slept as the anaesthetic was still coursing through her system along with the pain medication that was being delivered intravenously whilst also making sure that she didn't pull at the nasal cannula in her sleep as she had tried previously. He shifted uncomfortably in the hard plastic chair as he scrubbed his hands over his face tiredly. It had been hours since Stella had woken up from the emergency surgery that managed to save her lung. She had terrified him more than he had ever been terrified, and he knew it was more about who she was and what he felt for her then just the fact that he couldn't go through another loss again. She had told him to go home and get some sleep, but he couldn't bring himself to leave her not after almost losing her.
Kelly had his eyes firmly fixed on Stella as he heard the door open but he didn't even turn to see who it was as he figured it was another nurse coming in to do another check. "Kelly." Matt spoke quietly as he stopped at the end of the bed cautiously glancing over at Stella before he cast his eyes over Kelly who looked absolutely exhausted and was still in his uniform including his turnout pants, even his radio was still around him but turned off. "Figured you wouldn't have gone home so I stopped by your place and packed you a bag. Cindy packed a bag for Stella as well which I picked up... I've also grabbed you some food." Matt held out a paper bag for Kelly to take knowing he wouldn't have even thought about grabbing something to eat. "How is she?" Matt asked once Kelly took the brown paper bag that contained a sandwich, a muffin and a small package of fruit salad, as well as a bottle of orange juice.
"Thank you... Everything looks good so far but she's still being closely monitored as a precaution." The way Kelly spoke made Matt realise there was an internal battle raging inside of him, and Matt could guess what that battle was.
"Eat first then you can grab a shower and get changed. I'll sit with her while you do... She's one of the toughest, one of the strongest, and one of the most resilient people I've ever met. She's going to get through this. You both will... together." Matt needed Kelly to hear what he was saying, to know that it was going to be okay, that they were going to be okay.
"Casey... Matt... She's in here because of me, because she was so determined to save me. She could have lost what she loves, being a firefighter... She could have died." There was the internal battle raging inside of him verbalised; he spoke quietly so Stella wouldn't hear him or be disturbed from the rest she needed to heal.
"She made a choice that we both have before however it's different because it wasn't your choice this time and that is something that you and her will discuss in time... And she's still here, she's still a firefighter... She's here recovering." Matt knew that they had chosen to save people they loved even when it was dangerous and the odds were not in their favour over the years, hell Kelly had run into a building with active gunfire for Stella and Otis not that long ago. Matt also know that the man in front of him couldn't take anymore loss, couldn't lose someone else that he loved.
"Yeah..." Kelly didn't know what to say. There were things he wanted to say but only to Stella and only in private but more importantly all he wanted to do was hold her close and have her home with him. "Matt... thank you." He was grateful for Matt and his words especially given the place that he was in.
"Don't need to thank me, just listen to me." Matt smiled before he glanced over at Stella knowing she was incredibly lucky, and somewhat amazed at how even when she was asleep she had managed to gravitate towards Kelly seemingly aware of his presence beside her. Matt smiled as Kelly's hand instinctively found its way to Stella's, and entwined their fingers together which immediately settled her.
"Yes I do, I heard what you did when I couldn't." Matt knew that Kelly was referring to getting himself removed from the hospital but was surprised by the self deprecation he could hear. "I should have been able to convince them, the doctors..."
"We didn't know until she was out of surgery, and it was mostly Brett and Herrmann... And you fought for her Kelly, you fought for her more than anyone else right from the moment you got to her." Matt interrupted as he wouldn't let Kelly be riddled with a guilt that wasn't deserved, although he knew it would take more than words from him to come to the same realisation. After a few moments Kelly gave a soft nod of acknowledgement seemingly ending the conversation.
Matt ended up sat on the other side of Stella's bedside in relatively comfortable silence observing everything including the two people with him. There was nothing else to be said, and even as Kelly finally followed his advice as he headed towards the private bathroom in Stella's room for a shower after having a small amount of food Matt could see the struggle he was having at leaving her side. What Matt did know was that it would take time, time for them both to recover and move past what had happened, and that Kelly wouldn't make it easy with the guilt that he was carrying.