BOOOOOM!
There was a huge explosion caused by a Focus Blast from Keldeo.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Keldeo activated his Secret Sword and swung it, causing a flash of light.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Kyurem the Critic gave a genuine smile as he watched a slide show of highlights from his reviews.
Spike the Snob tipped his black top hat.
I'LL FACE IT WITH A GRIN!
"NO SHIP, SHERLOCK!" Intoxiquer the Crobat shouted in Genesect's face.
I'M NEVER GIVING IN!
ON WITH THE SHOW!
Meloetta sat down with Madoka the Fennekin and Damian the Meloetta on either side of her.
Imperator Justinian shook Keldeo's forehoof.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Arceus the Critic glared at Mew as she floated near a stone replica of him.
"SHUT UP!" shouted Anthony the Zoroark and Ian the Lucario.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Ryu Taylor the ferret and bent water into a small stream and spun it around to slap each of the Mane Six in the face.
I'LL TOP THE BILL, I'LL OVERKILL!
Jack Storm sprung awake and jumped onto his feet, wearing his robes and ready for battle.
Matthais Unidostres and BrickBrony1894 bro-hoofed.
I HAVE TO FIND THE WILL TO CARRY ON!
On. . . with the show. . .
On. . . with the show. . .
"FORESHADOWING!" Munna exclaimed.
"SPOILERS!" Zorua exclaimed.
"V-WHEEEEEEEL!" Victini exclaimed.
"MUSIC!" Floyd the Pichu shouted while holding his guitar high.
SHOW!
Keldeo stood up on his hindlegs in his Resolute Form, his Secret Sword shining brightly.
The show must go on!
Go on. . . go on. . . go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .go on. . .
Keldeo the Critic- Season Five
Episode 13: Shades of Red by flaretempest
Munna, Zorua, Floyd, and Victini were all gathered together on the rock platform that Keldeo does his reviews on. Victini was floating around in circles, clearly pacing nervously.
"Are you sure this is even something worth getting so nervous about?" Munna asked with uncertainty.
"YES!" Victini shouted loudly, "Do you guys have any idea what's in the fanfic Keldeo's gonna review today? No? Well, I'll tell ya-."
"SPOILERS!" Zorua shouted.
"You haven't done a review for more than a year," Victini replied incredulously.
"But. . . spoilers?" Zorua said weakly.
Victini groaned, and he waved his arms around in a panic as he said, "Don't you get it? This story has. . . well. . . the shorter answer is what doesn't this story have! The alcohol is the least of our worries!"
Getting a little impatient, Munna asked, "How is this our problem?"
"Keldeo is gonna EXPLODE when he reviews this fanfic!" Victini said, "You remember how crazy he got when he reviewed Liberty Garden Volume 1 and then 'Ocellus Some Beer, Won't You?' If he reads this, while we're within a 3-mile radius of him, we'll all be-!"
"Hi guys!" Keldeo called out cheerfully as he landed solidly on the platform all four hooves after his flight via Hydro Pump."
"Yikes!" Victini shouted as he flinched back from Keldeo. Then he blinked his eyes inquisitively and said, "Keldeo. . . you're smiling. . ."
"Yep!" Keldeo said, still in a cheerful mood.
"But. . . you know you're reviewing Shades of Red by flaretempest, right?" Victini asked tentatively.
"Oh, sure! This is gonna be great!" Keldeo said excitedly.
Victini's eyes went wide and he said, "You're happy about reviewing this fanfic?!"
DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNNNNNN!
Victini glared at Floyd, who had played the dramatic sting on his guitar, and said, "Would you cut that out?!"
"But I've only played it once!" Floyd cried out indignantly.
Keldeo sighed and said, "Yeah, I guess I did react negatively when I first heard that I was reviewing it, I admit it. But I really did learn from the mistakes I made during the last two reviews I did. I needed to stop using my status as a Sword of Justice as an excuse to go overboard with condemning anything I disagree with. There's a time and a place for everything."
Victini wasn't entirely convinced, so he asked, "But don't you disagree with the things the character do and the way the character behave in Shades of Red?"
Keldeo nodded, "Well, yeah. Of course, I do. But there's a little something that flaretempest does to make it actually quite enjoyable."
Shades of Red
By: flaretempest
Ash has made it to the championship match of the Sinnoh League, but he is distracted by the absence of someone, and is too nervous to reveal his feelings, so his Pokemon take matters into their own hands. Advanceshipping, AshxMay. Warning: Major OOC.
Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Romance - Ash K./Satoshi, May/Haruka - Chapters: 14 - Words: 21,257 - Reviews: 106 - Favs: 69 - Follows: 55 - Updated: Oct 18, 2009 - Published: Jul 1, 2009 - id: 5183313
"Did ya see it? Did ya see it? That warning at the end," Keldeo said with a grin.
Munna frowned and read aloud, "'Warning: Major OOC'? Huh?"
"OOC means Out Of Character," Keldeo explained, "And warning us that the characters will be acting out of character ahead of time makes all the difference."
"How!?" Victini asked, still utterly confused by the turn of events, "When is a fanfic where the characters are not in character ever a good thing? And doesn't telling you this ahead of time fall into the territory of 'saying you're doing something painful and stupid doesn't make it any less painful and stupid'?" (1)
Keldeo shook his head, "Not really, Victini. You see, by labeling this story specifically as an OOC fanfic, what that means is we're in for a story where the character personalities altered and exaggerated ever so slightly for the sake of comedy. In a story like, let's say, Fennekin of evil by arvinsharifzadeh, the characters are all out of character for pointless reasons to the point that they've been completely rewritten. Bonnie and Clemont don't care about each other. Fennekin and Serena don't love each one moment, then they do, then Fennekin kills Serena. The Pokemon are only a bit annoyed by the deaths of their Trainers. It's just a big mess."
Keldeo shuddered and shook the memories out of his head, then continued, "Sure, there are bad OOC fanfics, but good OOC fanfics not only make sure to warn the audience up front, but also build off the true nature of these characters and are respectful to the bonds they have with each other, while also putting them in situations and having them do things that are so off the wall that you can't help but laugh at it."
"Well, emergency meeting canceled. Let's go," Munna said briskly as she flew off with Zorua and Floyd close behind.
"Hey, wait up!" Victini shouted as he flew after him, "Keldeo might still get angry later on!"
Keldeo chuckled and shook his head, and he said, "Well then, let's get on with it. This is Shades of Red."
"Why do I keep thinking about her? I called her three days ago, and she told me there was no chance that she could make it. I've just got to put her out of my head, and concentrate on tomorrow's battle."
"So yeah, this is an Advanceshipping story, meaning Ash likes May," Keldeo said, and he shrugged and said, "I really think that Iris is perfect for Ash, but whatever. I'm interested in seeing where the author's gonna go with this."
"Ash, what've you been doing all day? Tomorrow is one of the biggest Pokemon battles you'll ever be in! It's the Sinnoh League Championship match, for sake!" By this time, Dawn was red in the face from shouting, and had placed herself in front of Ash, hands on her hips. "I can't believe you! You spend so much time working to get where you are, and now you're just about to throw it all away!" As she shouted, her face inched closer and closer to Ash's face with every word, until all Ash could see was her crimson face.
"Aha!" Keldeo said, sounding intrigued, "Here we have Fanfic Trope #179: 'When writing a shipping story with the focus on the male character, any female from any opposing shipping must be a complete jerk.' Toadettegirl's a master at this trope. That's why we got the Misty in A Different Kind of Princess."
"Anyway, even Ash's Sinnoh Pokemon team have noticed how distracted Ash is."
"(I am worried about Ash. He seems so distracted. I hope he will return to his normal self in time for tomorrow's match)," Torterra worried.
"(I can't help but wonder what is distracting him. He is always concentrated on battling and training. What has happened to him?)," Gliscor added.
"(Perhaps he has finally realized that there are other things in life than Pokemon battling. It is unfortunate that he has only discovered this when we need his battling skills the most)," Staraptor said gravely.
Ever the comedian, Floatzel couldn't resist adding
"STOP!" Keldeo shouted in disbelief, "Floatzel? Floatzel? Why is there a Floatzel here? Ash's Buizel never evolved! Sure, I know this is an Out Of Character fanfic, but you still need to get what the characters actually are correct! You can't just evolve Pokemon off-screen like this!"
Victini flew in and said excitedly, "Ah-ha! You're mad! You're really mad! I knew it! I-."
"Victini, what are you talking about?" Keldeo said calmly.
Victini frowned and said, "But. . . you were mad."
"I was the normal amount of mad for my reviews. I'm not gonna go full on rage for something like this," Keldeo explained, but then he narrowed his eyes angrily and said, "Even though it is so annoying!"
Victini grinned widely.
"Victini, please, you're gonna make the review even longer than it's gonna be," Keldeo said in annoyance.
Victini huffed and flew off saying, "Well excuuuuuuse me!"
Keldeo nodded and refocused on the review. "So anyway, errrrrrgh, Floatzel decides to make a joke that pretty much the entire world has made about Ash in some shape or form."
Ever the comedian, Floatzel couldn't resist adding sarcastically: "(What else could he possibly love as much as battling? A girl?)."
At these words, everyone broke in raucous laughter. Infernape was rolling around on the ground, clutching his stomach while roaring with laughter. Torterra was chortling so hard that the ground started to rumble. Gliscor was bouncing around on its scorpion-like tail as tears of laughter streamed its eyes. Only Floatzel and Staraptor seemed able to control their mirth, but soon they too submitted to laughter.
Keldeo shrugged, "I hate to say it, but I don't blame people for making this joke. I mean, Serena kissed him at the end of X and Y-."
"SPOILERS!" Zorua shouted as he peeked his head in and then quickly left.
"-and nothing came out of it. He probably thought she was just being friendly or something."
Keldeo frowned and said, "I feel bad for Ash. He's an amazing person. He's a hero. He deserves someone to truly care for him and make him feel a higher level of happiness, and a headstrong yet kind and caring Dragon Master like Iris would be perfect!"
Keldeo smiled sheepishly, "But I digress. Anyway, since this is fanfiction, we get to see a world where Ash is interested in love, and Pikachu himself is the one who fills his Sinnoh friends in about this new development.
"(Why are you not laughing Pikachu? This is some of the funniest stuff I've heard. Imagine, Ash with a girl)," Infernape managed to gasp out between laughs.
He replied seriously. "(I'm not laughing because I know that Floatzel was right)."
As soon as these words left Pikachu's mouth, the laughter immediately died out. Everyone listening turned toward him with shocked expressions and simultaneously shouted "WHAT?!"
"(WHAT?! ASH?! Dense little Ash?!)," Infernape said incredulously.
Ever the serious one, Staraptor replied "(As unlikely as it seems to some)", he glared at Infernape and Floatzel as he said this, "(we should be supporting Ash in his endeavor, not mocking him for it)."
Keldeo shrugged and said, "You know, they don't seem to be that much Out Of Character right now. Sure, they're exaggerated a little bit, but I don't think it feels that far off."
"(You guys wouldn't know her because you weren't with Ash when he traveled through Hoenn. Her name is May. She's a coordinator and she-)"
Torterra interrupted. "(Wait a second. May? Could it be the same May who placed in the top eight in the Hoenn Grand Festival and in the top four in the Kanto Grand Festival?)"
Everyone stared at him, and he seemed to turn red. "(What? I read the newspapers people leave lying around)."
"(But how can you turn the pages if you don't have any-)"
Staraptor interrupted Gliscor. "(I think it is best if we let Pikachu continue)."
Tootsie-Pop Commercial Announcer: "The world may never know."
"So Pikachu fills everyone in about who May is and what she does, and the Pokemon decide to do what they can to help Ash win May's heart."
"(Yeah, and then we can help Ash get some!)" This earned Floatzel a smack on the back of the head from Staraptor's wing.
Yakko: "*Mwah!* Goodnight everybody!"
Keldeo nodded, "Okay, I think Floatzel is gonna be the most Out Of Character in this fanfic. After all, he's already the wrong Pokemon!"
By nightfall, the three friends had made it back to the Pokemon Center, with Pikachu resting contentedly on Ash's shoulder and Piplup ambling alongside Dawn. They had barely made it through the entrance when Ash's stomach started to growl.
"You may be a little distracted, but some things never change," Dawn teased. Her cheerful demeanor vanished instantly when she saw Ash's face fall.
"Some things never change, but why did May have to leave?" he thought sorrowfully.
"Ash, are you alright?" she asked, her eyes laden with worry.
"I'm fine. I'm just... disappointed that we won't be eating Brock's cooking tonight," he replied, thinking quickly.
At the thought of Brock's food, both started to drool, but they hastily wiped it away before anyone noticed.
"Well, aside from the being in love thing, Ash is in character!" Keldeo said with a grin.
"So, that night, Pikachu get up, grabs a picture of Ash and the Hoenn gang after Ash completed the Battle Frontier, and takes the team's Pokeballs outside for a little meeting. But before we get to that, we get a look into a dream Ash is having."
He was standing in the middle of the stadium where the battles of the Sinnoh League took place. Ash was momentarily blinded by flashes from thousands of cameras, and didn't immediately notice the sound of the crowd: they were laughing at him. When his vision cleared, he saw Drew and May standing across from him. His heart leapt into his throat. They were holding hands, and in his free hand, Drew held a gold trophy almost as tall as himself: the trophy of the Sinnoh League Champion. May was pointing and laughing at Ash, and Drew had a sneer on his face.
"DREW! How'd you become the Sinnoh champ? You didn't even enter the tournament!" yelled an exasperated Ash.
"It doesn't matter Ash. I'm so amazing they just gave it to me on the spot. And besides, even if you won the tournament, you wouldn't have been named the Sinnoh Champ. You're too weak to deserve it," he responded in a snotty voice.
Then, Drew and May turned their faces towards each other, and leaned closer and closer together…
"NOOOO!" Ash yelled in horror as the jeers of the crowd pounded his ears.
Ash woke to find himself sitting up in his bed again.
"It was just a dream. May will never fall for Drew. She's too smart for that," he said unconvincingly to himself. And with that, he fell back into a fitful sleep.
"Also, Drew is a jerk that could probably be comfortably placed between Blue and Silver in the Rival Character Attitude Spectrum," Keldeo said flatly.
"So Pikachu and the rest of the group meet outside, and Pikachu shows them the photograph."
"(Here's a photo that Ash carries everywhere with him. It was taken nearly right after he won his final Frontier Symbol,)" Pikachu informed them.
"(I take it that May is the girl standing to right of Ash,)" Floatzel said.
Pikachu gave a nod.
"(Good, cuz it would be pretty awkward if May was the small boy standing next to Brock. He must he half Ash's age)". This earned him a second smack from Staraptor.
Kermit The Frog: "I guess this is what they call a running gag."
"(The boy standing next to Brock is Max, May's younger brother. He is on his own journey in Hoenn now,)" Pikachu said as if he hadn't even heard Floatzel's comment.
"(You know, May looks kind of hot,)" Infernape said out of the blue.
Yakko: *Waves* "Goodnight everybody!"
All who heard him, even the wild Honchkrow and Murkrow, turned and stared at him with expressions ranging from shock to disgust.
"(I meant as a human,)" Infernape tried to explain.
Yakko: *Plays a rimshot on a drum set*
Skippy: "Goodnight everybody!"
The staring continued.
"(Look. Just because I'm an ape doesn't mean that I-)"
Rigby: "STOP TALKING!" (1)
"But, to his credit, Infernape does get to explain how he didn't mean anything wrong by it," Keldeo admitted.
"(Come on guys. I just meant that as far as humans go, May just looks reasonably better than the average ones. I only said 'hot' because I'm a Fire-type. It's natural,)" Infernape explained sheepishly.
"See how flaretempest is able to make jokes without going too far," Keldeo said with approval, "He's also able to give characters more character based on what they are, rather than who. For instance, Torterra is a Grass-type, and plants need sunlight, so it makes sense for Torterra to be really grump about being woken up in the middle of the night. Thus, we get this funny scene."
"(Okay. Next time we meet secretly, we definitely have to do it during the day. Too many of these midnight jaunts and I won't be able to wake up in the morning,)" grumped Torterra.
"(Yeah, just look at you! You obviously need your beauty sleep,)" quipped Floatzel, earning a smack from Staraptor's wing.
"(Stop that! We're a team! We mustn't insult each other!)" ordered Staraptor.
"(Jeez Staraptor! When did you become as bossy as a Honchkrow?)" joked Infernape. Noticing the glares he was getting from the Murkrow and the Honchkrow, he added a hasty "(No offense, of course!)".
"(I don't get why you guys don't like it. The night is perfect!)" exclaimed a happy Gliscor.
"(You can take the night and shove it up your-)" grumbled Torterra before he was interrupted by Staraptor.
"So, the group decides to wait until they get back to Professor Oak's lab in Pallet Town, so they can get the rest of Ash's Pokemon in on the plan to get Ash and May together. Which is good news for us, because I'm sure every Pokemon ever has dreamed about seeing allllll of Ash's Pokemon interact while they're off the clock."
Keldeo grinned, "Oh man, I'm so excited! Well, anyway, we then skip to next morning, where we see Ash has overslept. Now, the idea of Ash oversleeping on the day of the Sinnoh League would sound wrong under normal circumstances. However, that nightmare he had the night before is a good enough reason for oversleeping."
"There's the entrance! Only a few more feet and we'll have made it!" he thought eagerly as he maneuvered himself around a young girl. But unlike the other bystanders, a glint of recognition dawned in her eyes.
"OH MY GOD! IT'S ASH KETCHUM!" she shrieked in an extremely high pitched voice, and fainted on the spot.
At once, Ash was beset upon by the mob, like a school of Carvanha upon a lone Magikarp. People grabbed his arms and yanked him around like a rag doll, requests for autographs were shouted at him, he was bombarded by camera flashes, some people, like the first girl, even fainted at the sight of him. "If this keeps up any longer, I'll be late! Why must fans be so barbaric?!" he wondered to himself as he shouted for people to let go of him.
"Okay, not only is this funny, it's honestly a breath of fresh air," Keldeo said with a smile, "Seriously, why doesn't Ash have mobs of fans after saving every region he visits form whatever evil team has set up shop there? Not to mention the times he's saved the world! And, he is always in the Top 3 of every Pokemon League he enters. Either news travels ridiculously slow between regions, or humans just don't care about being saved from tyranny or certain death. Well, Pikachu does what he does best and uses Thunderbolt to knock out all the fans."
"Pi Pika!" replied an outwardly smiling Pikachu, but he was really thinking: "Next time use the back entrance, you idiot."
Keldeo nodded and said, "Okay. I can go with a more cynical Pikachu for a fanfic like this. Hey, it's not like he hasn't acted a little cynical like this before, although those times usually involved Meowth, but whatever."
"Brock, will these people be alright?" Dawn asked as she carefully stepped over another paralyzed body. Countless other bodies surrounded them, and Dawn wondered if something akin to a nuclear bomb went off.
"They'll be fine. Or at least they should be," he replied as he tread around a body.
"What do you mean by 'should'?" she asked as she was stepping over another victim of Pikachu's mighty Thunderbolt.
"Well, they may suffer some pretty nasty side effects, all temporary of course. Inability to use the senses, loss of cognitive thinking, lack of muscle control, total loss of bowel control; the list goes on and on."
"Well, I think the last thing you mentioned may already have taken hold of some," she said disgustedly as she pointed to a yellow puddle.
Keldeo closed his eyes and said, "Okay, I'm just gonna use a part from the fanfic to react to this."
"(That was waaaaay too much information,)" Floatzel interrupted.
"So the first battle of the Sinnoh League begins, with Ash going up against a random OC."
Eventually the noise died out, and the MC announced, "And now the other challenger. Hailing from Lilycove City in Hoenn, Matt Brevis!"
As his opponent stepped into the arena, Ash's heart nearly stopped.
"WHAT!? It's DREW!" he thought, furious and confused at the same time as his dream from the previous night flashed back into his brain.
Keldeo had a confused look on his face, and he said, "Uh, no. The MC said it was a guy named Matt Brevis. What, did you think Drew gave a fake name just to mess with you?"
But once his opponent has stepped into the glow of the spotlights, Ash was relieved to know that he was mistaken. Facing him was a pale, brown haired boy close to Ash's age and height, whose eyes were opened wide in surprise at the greeting the spectators gave him.
"Whew, I need to calm down. It wasn't Drew, just a random stranger, who happens to have a silhouette similar to Drew's. No need to freak out."
"Seriously, Ash, you are waaaay too insecure about your relationship with May," Keldeo said, then he frowned and said, "Which currently doesn't even exist as of yet."
"Okay, now we get to a see a battle, which is already awesome, but the awesomeness is increased by the fact that we get to hear what the Pokemon are saying!" Keldeo said with a grin.
"(Yeah, Floatzel! Kick its ass!)" yelled Pikachu from Ash's shoulder in an uncharacteristically unruly tone.
"Wow," Keldeo said in amazement, "Just try to imagine Pikachu saying that. Just try. That is just so hilarious-."
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!
Keldeo groaned, "Aw c'mon, Meowth! What do you want-?"
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!
Suddenly, a golden jackrabbit appeared on screen. He had cream tipped ears and paws, large cheeks, and his left ear was flopped slightly.
"Hold it right there!" the rabbit shouted in a very grating sounding voice.
Bzzzzzzt!
Keldeo stared with disbelief and said, "Dade from Harvey Beaks? What the hay are you doing here?"
Bzzzzzt!
"How DARE you be okay with the vile language in this fanfic!" Dade shouted angrily, "The author of this fanfic should be dragged out of his home, tasered by Officer Fredd, and thrown in prison!"
Bzzzzt!
"GOSH! You take things more seriously than Joshscorcher on FOBEquestria!" Keldeo exclaimed in shock, "Come on! All Pikachu said was a synonym for butt!"
Bzzzzzt!
"Oh yeah? Well what about what Floatzel says right after that!?" Dade shouted in accusation.
"(Aw yeah! Some bitch is about to get OWNED!)" declared Floatzel confidently.
"OOOOOOOH!" Dade raged in furious indignation, "That's filthy! FILTHY!"
Bzzzzt!
Keldeo groaned and said, "Oh, come on, Dade! Is it a crime for a writer to trust their audience to be mature enough to not repeat whatever they read like a bunch of babies?"
Bzzzzt!
"Trash like this can only lead to the total meltdown of decency and civilized society!" Dade shouted back.
Bzzzzt!
Keldeo was in his Resolute Form and his Secret Sword burned brightly.
"If you don't leave me alone right now, I'm gonna have a total meltdown in your face!" Keldeo shouted angrily.
Keldeo waited a few seconds, then he sighed with relief and powered down his Secret Sword. He returned back to his normal form and said, "Wow, that guy is annoying. Okay then. So, we get some pretty good dialogue during the battle. For instance, Floatzel's comments really do sound like the things a more genre savvy Pokemon would say."
"Floatzel, swerve to avoid it!" Ash yelled.
"(How stupid do you think I am? I would've avoided that attack even if you didn't tell me!)"
"Floatzel, head back to Octillery and grab hold of it!" Ash yelled, renewed determination in his voice.
Floatzel swerved sharply and turned towards his opponent. ("I hope he knows what he's doing, cause I sure don't,)"
"Then we get some off-the-wall random comedy from Gliscor," Keldeo said with a smile, "It really matches his more playful personality."
"(You know, I'm not really in the mood to fight today,)" Gliscor revealed as he took to the air and his wings started to glow white.
"(Neither am I. But what can we do about it?)" asked Exploud as he prepared for another Howl.
"(Well, we could just walk on out of here. They're powerless without us. And besides, what's the worst they can do, send us back into our Pokeballs?)" Gliscor spat contemptuously.
"(Yeah, I would like to see them try. Imagine it, roaming the world peacefully, without having to take orders from some human,)" Exploud said.
"(Yeah. The first things I'd want to do is have some cookies and milk. I always beg Ash for some, but he-)"
"(Wait. Did you say cookies and MILK?)" Exploud asked, anger creeping into his voice.
"(Umm… yeah. What about it?)" Gliscor replied nervously.
"(I AM LACTOSE INTOLERANT! I HATE MILK AND ALL WHO ENJOY IT!)" bellowed Exploud, and he jumped mightily into the air, reaching for Gliscor.
"Did the author use Cards Against Humanity to come up with this?" Keldeo said in amusement, "Seriously, milk is the reason this battle heats up? Did flaretempest play the game Bad Milk (2) before writing this? If so. . ."
Keldeo became serious and said, "Then may Arceus have mercy on the author's soul, as well any other poor soul who has suffered through that game."
A floating bald head suddenly flashed on screen.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Keldeo screamed in horror.
Keldeo calmed back down and he said, "Well, these battles are clearly meant to be played for laughs. Floatzel gets knocked out by being slammed into a poster with a Staraptor on it in order to keep the 'Staraptor keeps hitting Floatzel on the head' running gag going."
'Poke-Air will get you anywhere!' the banner proclaimed, and had a picture of the company mascot, a Staraptor, winking and giving a thumbs up. There was a head-sized dent in one of the Staraptor's wings.
"And Exploud knocks Gliscor out, but he feels guilty about it and knocks himself out, which makes me wonder who he's even on a fighting Pokemon team, but whatever! Comedy!" Keldeo said with a grin.
"Okay Torterra, come on out!" yelled Ash, once again tossing a Pokeball into the arena.
"You too, Rhyperior!" shouted Matt from his end of the field.
After both Pokemon materialized and the round officially started, Matt began to quickly issue orders.
"Rhyperior, trip up Torterra with Earthquake, and then follow it up with Double Edge!"
Meanwhile, Torterra was waiting patiently for Ash to issue his orders. But Ash was not paying any attention to the battle. Concerned, Pikachu looked at Ash's face, only to find his eyes glazed over.
Keldeo face hoofed and said, "Why is he thinking about May now? Floatzel and Gliscor both got knocked out, and he literally just sent out Torterra to battle! How is he not focused on the battle right now? Maybe if Matt had a Pokemon that was the same species as one of May's, like Blaziken, it would work, but-."
Keldeo put his hoof back down and said, "Well, at least we get to see Pikachu play in active role in this."
Observant of the Earthquake and the charging Rhyperior, Pikachu took charge.
"(Well don't just stand there, you great lump! Do something!)"
"(Sorry, but I only listen to my trainer,)" Torterra said dismissively.
"(Well, if you don't do anything, you'll be in a world of hurt,)" Pikachu said as he pointed toward the Earthquake that grew closer and closer, along with the Rhyperior that was charging along behind it.
"(Hmm… you do have a point. Being in pain is highly undesirable,)" Torterra allowed. After a moment's onsideration: "(Aw to hell with it! I refuse to get hurt just because Mr. Lovestruck over there has his head in the clouds.)"
Torterra unleashed an Earthquake of his own, which effectively canceled out his opponent's Earthquake, and charged toward the Rhyperior, glowing bright green as a side effect of Wood Hammer. Meeting the center of the arena with a loud crash, the two combatants began a fevered pushing match.
"Then we get to see Ash's daydream, but it's kinda dumb and not very interesting, so we'll just skip it and focus on the battle, where Torterra insults Rhyperior's girlfriend, causing him to use Horn Drill in anger."
By now, Rhyperior's horn was spinning so fast it was only a blur, and he prepared to strike Torterra, who was frozen in fear.
"(Don't worry, Torterra! Your sacrifice will win the battle for us!)" Pikachu shouted in what he hoped was an encouraging voice.
"(But I don't want to die! I have my whole life ahead of me!)" Torterra whined pitifully.
"A: you can move out of the way. B: of course you won't die, it's a Pokemon battle! Horn Drill is just a move, it's used all the time!" Keldeo said in annoyance.
"(Take it like a man, you big baby!)"
"(Easy for you to say! You're not the one who will be dead!)"
"(Calm down! You won't die! The censors won't allow it!)"
"(What?! They allow us to swear and drink alcohol, but they won't let anyone die? This story is screwed up.)"
"(Torterra! You weren't supposed to mention the alcohol part! It won't happen 'til the next chapter! Just for that, the author will probably make you suffer an extremely painful injury from the attack!)"
"Aw c'mon, don't break the fourth wall!" Keldeo said in even more annoyance, "That only makes the story seem more fake. It breaks the illusion. You have to do it sparingly and subtly. Usually with only one character and in a way that confuses the other characters in a way that they just shrug it off. Ya know, like those 'It's Pinkie Pie don't question it' moments. (3)"
Rhyperior started to slowly lower the spinning horn toward Torterra's head.
"(Wait. I wouldn't do that if I were you,)" Torterra said.
Rhyperior paused. "(And why not?)"
"(If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine,)" he replied cryptically.
"(Sorry, but I hated that movie.)"
"(What? How can you not like it? It revolutionized filmmaking as we know it!)"
"(I know, but I'm not a big fan of Sci-Fi. If you had mentioned the movie about the archaeologist who goes on a hunt to find a magical lost ark before
Monty Python Army: "GET ON WITH IT!"
"So Rhyperior uses Horn Drill on Torterra, but since that move is illegal, Matt is disqualified," Keldeo frowned, "So. . . did Matt just not even try to order his Pokemon to stop? I mean, the Trainers had to have known all the rules, so. . . what, are we supposed to just assume that Matt was yelling for Rhyperior to stop but he didn't listen to him? Sure, that makes sense, seeing how angry Rhyperior was, but would it have really been all that hard for the author to write in that Matt was yelling for Rhyperior to stop? It's just one sentence! I hate it when authors make mistakes that are so easy to solve!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, I don't believe it! Rhyperior has just used Horn Drill! And because of this, Matt Brevis is disqualified, making Ash Ketchum the winner by default!" proclaimed the MC.
A great cheer rose up from the crowd, which finally snapped Ash out of his daydream.
"Huh? What happened?!" Ash wondered as the MC walked toward him, carrying a gold trophy nearly half as tall as himself.
"Ash, it may seem that only dumb luck has brought you this victory, but that is not true. Your skills as a trainer and your cunning strategy are what brought you this win, and I am proud to award you this trophy, and proclaim you the Sinnoh League Champion!" he said as he raised Ash's arms to the crowd, which made them cheer even louder.
"WAIT, WHAT!?" Keldeo shouted, "That's it? What happened to Paul and Tobias and-."
Keldeo sprayed some water on his face from his right forehoof. He shook the water off and said, "Alright, I get it. This story is not about Pokemon battles. The author clearly wanted to get through the end of the Sinnoh journey as fast as possible, so we can head back to Professor Oak's lab and meet the rest of Ash's Pokemon."
Keldeo smiled, "That's fine! I get that. Sure, we could've just skipped over the events and say it all happened as it did in the Anime but having an introductory plot line like this helps cement the fact that this is gonna be a wacky, crazy, silly story where everyone is out of character and there are literally no high-stakes whatsoever."
Keldeo smiled widely so that all his teeth were showing. Then he said, "I still like epic adventure stories with heart and emotion, but there's nothing wrong with just cutting loose and relaxing with a good wild comedy like this. As long as these two types of stories are kept separate and not mixed together *coughAuraWeildercough* I'd say it's all good."
"So, after the battle, its revealed that in the continuity that this fanfic presents to us, Ash and his friends always go to Pallet Town together after the Pokemon League. Then Ash's mom throws them all a big party."
"You see Dawn, after every league that Ash enters is finished, his mom throws a party to celebrate how well he did. A lot of our friends we haven't seen for a while show up, and we have lots of fun swapping stories and catching up. Not to mention the great feast that Ash's mom cooks for us," Brock responded, salivating at the thought of the delicious food.
"But what if Ash gets eliminated very early? You can't expect his luck to hold for every league."
Ash and Brock just laughed.
"That's just nonsense! I have to do well, because I'm the main character!" Ash explained to a confused Dawn.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"I don't know, but it's true!"
Keldeo sighed, "You see, this is why Jack Storm 448 took the fourth wall breaks out of Rising Storm Book 1. They just don't feel right. Anyway, they all get on the boat, and we get to see their thoughts."
"I wonder if there are any good shopping centers in Pallet Town. I need to get new shoes, a new bag, and a new hat couldn't hurt. Now that I think of it, buying a whole new wardrobe wouldn't be such a bad idea…" Dawn thought, her mind stereotypically occupied by shopping and clothes.
Munna flew in wearing a white powdered wig and a black top hat, and she said in an English accent, "'Tis indeed sexist."
As Munna flew away, Keldeo stared at her awkwardly and said, "I think I'm finally starting to realize how weird this whole Keldeo the Critic show really is."
"I can drop off Toxicroak at Professor Oak's lab, and then I'll be able to spend all the time in the world with Nurse Joy…" imagined Brock, exuberant at the thought.
Keldeo stomped and shouted, "Will you please stop evolving Pokemon off-screen! At least acknowledge that Buizel and Croagunk evolved!"
"After the other Pokemon and I get dropped of at Professor Oak's lab and the party at Ash's house begins, they'll be no one around to watch us. Then we can get TOTALLY drunk!" thought Pikachu excitedly.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" Dade shouted furiously as he shook his pointer fingers with disapproval.
Bzzzt!
"Oh, biscuits, you again?" Keldeo groaned.
Bzzzt!
"How dare anyone corrupt a yellow, sweet looking creature with the poison that is alcoholic beverages!" Dade shouted.
Bzzzzt!
"Why did you even bother coming here?" Keldeo asked impatiently, "Aren't people like you supposed to think that the Pokemon franchise is evil or something?"
Bzzzzt!
"I see Pokemon as similar to the trick filled magic shows my best friend Harvey and I put on together: fun illusions not to be taken seriously," Dade said proudly, smiling as thoughts of his dearest friend filled his head.
Bzzzt!
"When it comes to taking things seriously, don't you talk," Keldeo groaned.
Bzzzt!
"This vile flaretempest is a dark force that is twisting these characters into something foul and sick!" Dade shouted as he shook his fist furiously, "This author will have to answer for this someday!"
Bzzzzt!
"Why don't you go eat your sugar free Greek yogurt while you watch your Veggie Tales rip-off!" Keldeo shouted back.
Bzzzzt!
"BILLY AND THE DO-GOOD BOYS IS A WONDERFUL KIDS SHOW FULL OF VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS!" Dade practically shrieked.
Bzzzzt!
"You voice is a bad as the voice of Scratch from The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog!" Keldeo complained.
Bzzzzt!
"And Patrick the Potato is a great minority representative!" Dade went on.
Bzzzzt!
Keldeo facehoofed and said, "Oh my gosh. . ." Keldeo put his hoof back down and said, "Okay, this is gonna take a while. Here's a Musical Skit for you while I deal with Dade."
Keldeo the Critic
We'll be right back!