AN: Cas... *shakes head* ;D These two are very tumultuous, but I go where they take me...

ENJOY! and Thank you all for the REVIEWS!

Dean knew that what Jo was saying rang true, hell he had thought most of it himself. It was unfair for him to freak out like that, especially since Cas was nursing a roofie hangover. He was just getting tired of always having the same fight over and over, and he felt like the only one trying sometimes. They needed to address it, Dean wasn't looking forward to it, but he figured there are only so many times you can sweep an issue under the rug. If they didn't address it soon everything could blow up in his face.

He also had another thought that he tended to keep in the back of his mind. Dean had wondered what Castiel 100% drug free would be like and if he'd be the same Cas underneath it all. It scared him to think that the man he was in love with might not be the same person, it was probably a silly notion; but it was there. Dean briefly considered that Cas might be thinking similar things about himself, either way his path was clear.

"I'll be back in a sec," Dean tells Jo, patting her shin so she'll move her legs. "And thanks."

"No prob, sometimes it just helps to hear things from a third-party," She smiles at him, "I'm gunna start cleaning up." Jo stands, starting to nudge Ash.

Dean nods at her taking a deep breath as he goes to his shared bedroom. He doesn't bother knocking, lest he anger Cas even more, and just walks in closing the door gently behind him. Cas is still sprawled out on the floor with his eyes closed, the half empty coffee mug perched precariously on his chest as he smokes; using the cup as an ash tray.

"You didn't like the coffee, huh?" Dean asks, lying on the floor next to Cas.

"It was adequate," Cas mumbles.

"I'm sorry about earlier," he starts, awkwardly, "It was unfair and not the right time."

Cas cracks his eye open looking at Dean briefly.

"We'll talk when you're feeling better." Dean adds.

"Very well," Cas inhales smoke.

"How's your head?" he brushes his fingers through the man's dark locks.

"Throbbing," he sighs in anguish, "I'll live I suppose."

"Promise?" Dean half-heartily jokes.

Castiel just groans a little as they lie there in silence for awhile. Dean leaves to help Jo finish cleaning and Cas stays in the room for the entire day just trying to sleep it off. They end up having a discussion that night while in bed, Dean and Cas laying there facing each other, but not touching just talking.

"You know I don't like the drugs," Dean states softly.

"They help Dean," Cas sighs as they look at each other, "The doctor's wouldn't prescribe them if they weren't necessary."

"Cas," he pauses trying to figure out how to say what he wants without starting a shouting match, "We both know you use more than they tell you."

"I know what I'm doing."

"So you're a doctor now?" Dean asks sarcastically.

"I appreciate your concern, Dean, but…" he trails off looking down at the bedding.

"But what?" He wonders softly, his features creasing with concern, "It's ok to be afraid, Castiel." Dean places his hand soothing on the other man's arm. "You can't tell me I don't understand, when I'm trying here."

Cas just nods solemnly, not making eye contact, with Dean; the pair staying silent for a moment.

"When was the last time you where completely sober?" Dean whispers unsure if he really wants to hear the answer.

The other man's blue eyes snap up to meet Dean's green ones, Cas's face slightly stricken. "Almost nine, maybe more," he admits quietly.

"Years?" He asks, his face drawn as Castiel nods in the affirmative.

Dean squeezes his eyes shut, because that's like a decade of drugs; all from having a fucked up family and no one to set the proper examples for him.

"Cas," his voice cracks, he clears his throat to try and hide it. "What all do you take, now?" It's another question Dean wishes he didn't have to ask.

"It's not as much as before," Cas offers lamely, trying to be reassuring as he brings his secrets to light. "Mostly antidepressants and pain killers… I don't really take the aderall anymore." He adds, "That was for school, mostly."

"Huh," is all Dean manages to get out as soaks it in. "I get the depression meds, but why numb yourself out, Cas…" He strokes Cas's cheek briefly.

"It's easier," he shrugs.

"You're better than that."

They stay silent, again, for a beat until Cas looks back up at him.

"Am I, Dean?" He questions. "It's been serving me pretty well all these years," he's starting to get irate, veering away from the steady line Dean had been trying to keep them at.

"Cas," Dean sighs, trying to calm the other man down.

Castiel sits up, Dean starring at his tattooed back, "I ruin everything, Dean, and don't you dare try to say otherwise because the facts are substantial." He snaps angrily, his tone dangerous. "I'm a fuck up, so excuse me for using what I can, to try and forget about it."

"You are not a fuck up, Castiel," Dean sits up, to look at him. "And what facts?" he adds in confusion.

"My entire life!" He answers Dean's question, "Which I know how that sounds, but you cannot deny it." Cas glares at him, "Not a fuck up…You almost lost your brother, because of me, Dean." He reminds him gravely.

Dean's a little taken aback by that left field admission, but he composes himself. "That wasn't your fault! You can't keep blaming yourself for the past, which you had no control over; you have to move on!"

Cas bites his lower lip looking away from Dean, "I know what I am," he says softly, before looking back at Dean vehemently. "You're the only one who can't seem to see it."

Dean starts to break, "Bull shit, Cas! You know what I see!" He tells him standing up from the bed and rounding on him, "I see a guy who was dealt a crap hand, and is so fucked up that he doesn't even recognize when people are trying to help!" He breathes deeply, Cas refusing to look at him, "You self-deprecating ass hole!" He bellows, finally getting the other man to look at him, "I love you, Castiel! Whether you know what that means or not, but I will not watch you kill yourself! Especially knowing that I could have done something about it!" Dean takes a deep breathes trying to calm down, just now realizing that his eyes had started to water.

Castiel bows his head, his shoulders shaking a little, "I'm sorry, Dean." He tells him softly, getting up from the bed and striding out of the room.

Dean watches after him before exhaling sharply, turning his back on the door as he puts his hands on his head in frustration. "Son of a bitch!" He calls out, before going after Castiel.

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