His mood lasted as long as it took to get into the actual Rehab. Which was apparently... he had no words for what it was. He stared at the woman and blinked. "Say what?" He asked.
"Visualize the healing. Picture a white light, healing your spine and heart..." She told him, sitting on the floor with him.
"Um..." He looked around, trying to find someone to save him. "How about... not?" He asked hopefully. "Did you... perhaps escape from the psych unit?"
She laughed, finding it amusing and thinking he was joking. She reached over and playfully slapped his foot.
He was serious. His eyes widened and he looked over his shoulder, wanting Wilson to come back for him. Was he too far away to hear him yell? Damn.
Or, maybe this was part of the therapy. Freak him out, and he'll get better just to escape the crazy! Because there was a lot of crazy here. Right in front of him in a small perky package. Make it go away!
"Now, let's breathe in... and then out... close your eyes. Deep breaths." She told him, closing her eyes and smiling. "Breathe with me, isn't this nice? Feeeeeel the energy within!"
"Is there going to be any actual... physical therapy here today?" He asked, interrupting her breathing.
She looked up at him by opening one eye. "Well, first we have to set some guidelines and reach a state of relaxation. We'll do some low impact stretching exercises. And then we'll go over that which you're allowed to do for now."
"What am I allowed to do?" He asked. "For now, that is?"
"Well with the combination of your spinal surgery and the heart attack... I'd prefer it if you didn't go over a 3.0 on your METs on any activity. Your Metabolic equivalents." She explained in her perky little voice.
"And what is under a 3.0? What kind of things?" He asked.
"Well... um... walking. Which admittedly you're not quite up to doing just now. Standing. Sweeping... which if you can't walk yet, you can't sweep." She had the grace to wince a little. "Sitting. You can do a lot of sitting."
He nodded slowly, then looked toward the door. He wondered how likely it was that he could crawl fast enough to get through the door using just his arms before she noticed. The way she was watching him though? No, not likely.
"Uh huh." He said, his lips thinning as he considered his situation. "So... these stretching exercises, do what?"
"Strengthen so that when the time comes, we won't injure ourselves." She smiled, tilting her head and once more touching his foot.
"We..." He raised his brows, he worked to draw his leg back. It was hard, but he got it pulled a little bit away. "Doooo we have a mouse in our pocket?"
She giggled and leaned over, lightly slapping his leg. "You're so funny! We're going to have lots of fun together, I can already tell!"
And that is when he realized. Oh, my, god. She's flirting with me? Is there a politically correct way of saying I'm not interested without calling attention to it and making things awkward. He clicked his tongue. It was all over the hospital he broke up with Allison. Was he really that evil? He could... but... hm. He'd save that for last resort. Four options to deflect her. Mean, gay, dating a new girl, or chaste. Decisions decisions... He could try the truth? Well, this could be awkward.
"Huh, yeah..." He scratched his throat, looking down. "I think we should get the stretching exercises learned so I can practice them at home." And then maybe he could quit rehab and just work on it at home!
"Oh, you're just a real go-getter!" She said, smiling. She leaned forward and placed his legs where she wanted them. Methodically moving them and running her hand down to his ankles.
"Ah... couldn't you just... show me and I'll move my legs?" He asked, trying to be polite at the same time as shooing her hands away.
She smiled and fluttered her eyelashes. "Of course, I'm sorry. I sometimes forget about personal space."
"Yeah, that's... fine. Just... I have a very large... personal bubble. It makes me slightly uncomfortable." He said. That wasn't mean, right? That was rather nice. Nothing for Cuddy to lecture him about later?
She frowned sympathetically. He could almost see and hear the wheels turning. The look in her eyes. Oh no no no no... He held up a hand and smiled. "It keeps misunderstandings down. Sometimes, if you let people too close to your... um... personal bubble. They take that as interest, or that you're open to interest. It's just best to keep people, ah... a bit further away so they don't misunderstand and think you want something more when you don't want to."
She bit her lip and tilted her head. "I do understand. I mean... who hasn't heard that... well you need time." She said carefully, she reached out a hand, but didn't touch him. Then drew it back.
He wanted to roll his eyes. But he kept his smile. Yeah, this was probably that 'fake sincerity' thing House was talking about.
"But you know, I'm a good listener and if you ever want to talk..." She said, still with the hopeful look. "You can call on me any time."
Last resort option was looking pretty good about now. But which option. Hm.
"No, it's all right. I've been through a lot of different things in my life. See, before going to medical school. I was in the Seminary. I was going to be a priest. Father Robert. And then, I lost my faith for a while, and went to Medical school. And then spent the next bit of forever, trying to find out who I am. I've been in many types of relationships and with many people. I'm still figuring out who I am, even after all this time. I think, what I need to do, is figure out who I am without wrapping up my personal identity in someone else. That pretty much means I might have a monk like existence for a while. Kind of quiet, by myself, and just reflecting on myself and what I want out of life." He smiled. "So, I'm just... not interested." He admitted.
Finally, a truthful answer! And he didn't even lower himself to lying.
He desperately tried not to laugh as she gaped like a fish. Mouth open. Mouth closed. Open. Closed. Then she gave a shaky laugh and looked away. "I'm so... glad... to hear that." She tried to sound just as chipper and happy as she had before, but it definitely sounded hollow.
From that point on, she was almost professional. Showing him how to position his legs and arms, by doing it herself first. No longer leaning over him and trying to touch him. She was still all 'imagine the energy flooowing through your legs, back, and neck' but she no longer giggled and told him how funny his comments were.
He was glad when House showed up to push him to his office. House looked at the therapist and said. "Oh god, you're still here? I thought your head would have imploded by now to spare us your idiocy, but I was wrong."
She narrowed her eyes and glared at House. Not an unusual response to him, but she looked so angry she was starting to shake.
"Thank you thank you thank you." Chase chanted as he pushed him out the door into the corridor. "Don't make me go back! I think she's psychotic!"
"Did she make you visualize your pain?" House asked in a perky and bubbly voice.
"And the healing energy." Chase confirmed.
"Double whammy." House made a face, grimacing. "That's about when I walked out on my Rehab after getting shot. Only lasted one true session. But you don't get that option." He was quick to say. "If you don't do your rehab, you will have no legs, and your heart won't get stronger."
Chase reached out to push the elevator button and made a face. "She was hitting on me."
"I told you." House said. "They're all on the scent. They're going to swarm! You're like a honey to a bee right now!"
House rolled him into his office, and then said. "I'll be back in about two hours. I'll come check on you before I do my Clinic hours. Right now, I need to go down and deal with my minions and the patient they're trying to kill." He said lightly. He shut the door behind him, and Chase heard an ominous latching sound.
He rolled to the door and tried it. Locked! He tried to unlock it from the inside, and discovered that somehow, House had disabled it on his side. He looked around, worried about what was about to happen.
"Oh, hell no!" Chase groaned as suddenly music was playing from somewhere close to the ceiling. It's a Small World After All. On a loop. Over and over again.
"House, you fucking bastard." He helplessly laughed, covering his ears. He rolled himself to the phone and called Wilson.
"House?" He answered cautiously. "I'm kind of in the middle of..."
"Save me. He has me locked in his office, with Disney music." Chase said desperately, but still somewhat chuckling.
"I... can it wait?" Wilson asked.
Chase held the phone up in the air for a few seconds and then brought it back to his ear. "What do you think?" He asked.
"I'm coming right over... hold tight." Wilson said without any more hesitation.
It was about thirty minutes though before he saw Wilson. Foreman was in tow and the other man seemed to be trying not to laugh. No, make that both men were trying not to laugh. Foreman bent down on one knee on the other side of the door and used some surgical tools, jimmying the lock. It snicked open and Foreman opened the door as Chase eagerly rolled out of the room. "Sorry, the balcony door was jammed on my side!" Wilson explained.
"Ahhhhhh, it's stuck in my head." Chase grabbed both sides of his head, as though to try and block it out. But unfortunately, the music was trapped within his head. Make it stop! Make it STOP!
Foreman shut the door and finally collapsed against it, laughing.
"Oh, shut it." Chase groaned, but then smiled a little. "It's seriously stuck in my head. It's a smalllll world after allllll." He sang and then groaned. "Someone help."
Foreman cleared his throat and forced himself to look serious. "I prescribe heavy rock, rap, heavy metal, or some form of alternate music. Listen to such for at least half an hour, making sure to finish each song. Repeat treatment as necessary until it is drowned out. If the condition persists... strangle House and call me in the morning."
Chase snorted and shook his head, ruefully. "Thanks for getting me out of there. I think I might have ended up flinging myself out of my wheelchair and aimed for the neck eventually."
"Well we can't have that. That would set your rehab back." Foreman said. He tilted his head a little and asked. "What is this I hear in the gossip chain though? I heard two things. One, that you are a father. And two, that you were going to become a monk?"
Chase broke into laughter while Wilson looked on in confusion. "Oh, I can't believe how... She's the worst gossip ever! Are we sure she's not on better drugs than House?" He asked.
"Okay, what did you tell her?" Wilson asked, still confused but also curious.
"I told her, I was going to take my vows and be a priest. Father Robert." He rubbed his face with his hand, laughing and deciding he really needed to shave tonight.
"Whyyyyy did you tell her that?" Wilson laughed a little, looking incredulous.
"Because, she was hitting on me. It was either tell her to fuck off, tell her I was gay, or... go with something that... shouldn't have bit me on the arse that way. I told her the truth. I wanted to find myself without worrying about... people hitting on me! But she's the worst gossip ever so I guess now I have an illegit child now?"
"Or that you're going to be a monk." Foreman nodded. "But considering which would be the juicer gossip? Yeah, half the hospital will now believe you're a deadbeat dad."
Chase laughed again, shaking his head. "You just have to love the gossip chain. It either gets it right, or totally wrong. Just depends on where it starts."
House hurried into the room, looking for Chase. "What the hell is this about you and I living together and raising your love child from Cameron?"
Chase this time gaped, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. "I... what?" He said, eyes wide.
"That is what I was wondering. Because I heard that one from the pharmacist. When I went to get my refill." House shook his bottle. "And how'd you get out?" He looked back at his office. But no one answered that part.
"Does no one here know anything about biology? I think someone would have noticed if Cameron had been pregnant. Besides, I'm supposed to be a monk." Chase shook his head, in awe by how screwed up this was getting. "This is bloody insane."
"They said you're going to leave me to become a monk. Because I'm destroying your will to live. If that was going to happen, it would have been your first year of Fellowship!" House shook his head. "What the hell did you tell that airhead? Couldn't you have just told her to fuck off and stop touching you? See, this is why I'm in charge of running off the tramps. I'm just better at it!"
"All that I told her was that I was going to be a priest. Father Robert. When I was younger and that I wasn't interested in her and was wanting to find myself! She was... trying to... touch me." He wiggled his fingers around. "And you never gave me a tasar!"
House boggled at him. "They got, gay couple with love child from chaste priest? That's it. I want a drug test on that hippy twit upstairs." He pointed up at the ceiling. "She's on something, and I want to know what it is. Because I want some!"
Foreman meanwhile was leaning over a chair, head on his arms as he laughed. He looked like he could barely hold himself up, laughing as hard as he was. Wilson also looked amused and kept trying to stop smiling.
The door opened and Cuddy stepped in, raising a brow. "House? Is there something you'd like to tell me? Who did you piss off this time? And why are they dragging Chase into the mire as well?"
"Me? I didn't do this! I'm the innocent bystander in this mess!" House protested. "Why am I always to blame?"
"Because usually if the brown sticky stuff is hitting the fan somewhere, you're the one with the shovel flinging it." She explained patiently.
"It's his fault!" House pointed at Chase. "All I did was go to talk to a patient. See why I shouldn't have to talk to patients? Bad things happen when I leave my office!"
"I think it is safe to say then that House didn't break you and Cameron up, take you for a wild night, break your back and then eloped with you. And now Cameron is dumping a kid on both of you to raise while she tries to heal her broken heart? And overwhelmed by his injuries he's going to join the brotherhood?"
House's jaw dropped. "Whaaat? I... I didn't... There was no... I didn't... I wasn't involved!" He started laughing, falling into a chair unable to stand anymore. "Oh. Fuck..." He hadn't laughed this hard in literally years!
Chase saw Cameron in the hall, and she had that 'you bastard' look on her face. "Oh, God I'm actually in hell! All I said..." and he yelled it so she could hear too. "Was that I was going to become a PRIEST, when I was younger! Father Robert! I was telling her that I was finding myself, and that I wasn't interested! So she'd stop trying to flirt with me."
Cameron rolled her eyes, shook her head and walked away, throwing her hands up helplessly. But she no longer looked pissy. Just vaguely amused.
Foreman finally slid to the floor, unable to breath, his eyes watering.
"I hope you suffocate." Chase called over to him, pouting.
Cuddy wiped a small smile off her face and said. "I will personally send a memo and an e-mail to all staff as well as correct any misconceptions in my hearing. As well as telling all Department heads to squash the rumors. I'm also going to fire Miss 'Visualization'. This is her second offense for malicious rumor spread. But I have to say, this was the most entertaining!"
With that, and still chuckling, she left the room.
Foreman wiped his eyes and looked drained, but still smiling. "Oh, man... I... I... I..." He giggled and waved a hand in front of his face. "Just proves, that telling the truth is not always for the best. Of course, then who knows what she would have spread about you. But... at least she's fired."
House sighed and said. "I'm mentally exhausted, and distressed. Woe is me. I can't possibly work my Clinic hours today. Woe. Woe, for I am working in a hostile workplace." He grinned and rubbed his hands together. "So I'll make one of the newbies work it, annnnnd I'm ready to go home!"
Wilson rolled his eyes. "You're going to start driving yourself... I'll drive you two home, and then tomorrow... drive yourself."
House made a childish face at Wilson, but gathered his bag and cane, poking Foreman in the side as he passed by. "Karma is going to getcha!" He swore.
Foreman just grinned and waved good bye.
He was going to be laughing about this, all night.
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