Heero Yuy, L6, and the Second Suit Wars | ELLE

PART THREE | Restitution of a Former Life

3.8 The Deception

We found ourselves slipping into our flight suits in the abandoned bunk quarters in silence. There was nothing to say. There was never anything to say before a mission.

I remembered being in that school with him, preparing to blow up that OZ freighter, and I remembered it so clearly it hardly seems reasonable but I do. Once we'd gone over all the schematics, there was nothing left to say, and his mouth stilled and I stared a moment too long, surprised by how disconcerting it seemed, surprised by his sincerity and dedication. I remember thinking that I had found a partner, a sympathizer, someone who could maybe understand one tiny part of me – but having been alone for so long, the thought was weird and uncomfortable. And it was the beginning of all my doubt. What did my feelings for him mean? I never needed a comrade before, and yet, after meeting Duo... Things changed. My whole life changed.

"Hey," Duo said softly, turning from where he was digging through his duffle. "Would you do me a favor?"

I glanced at him curiously, unsure of what he could possibly ask of me at this late juncture.

"What?"

He stepped up close to me and I could smell his skin. It was an earthy, heady scent that grounded me so many times, that held me close and wrapped me up within it, protected me – made me think of warm arms in the night, my nose buried his chest as tremors wracked me, the residual urge to flee from fragmented nightmares twisting in my gut, firing through the synapses in my brain.

"Would you wear this tracker for me?" he asked, holding a tiny electronic pin in the palm of his hand and I forced myself to stay still as my eyes appraised him suspiciously. "You never asked me why I went to that conference every year, but I got all kinds of badass tech over the years there. This was from three years ago – hides up under your skin."

"I don't think so," I replied, cold, distancing myself from him, suddenly unsure of his intentions. His face clouded and I couldn't interpret it. It was unsettling. It was like I was fifteen again and I couldn't read him anymore.

"Huh?" He seemed confused. "I'm just concerned that we'll get separated or something will happen and –"

"I'm not arguing about this," I interrupted, stepping away to grab my helmet. We didn't have the time, frankly.

"Heero." His voice was sharp and I looked up at him, aggravated. But no sooner had my lips parted to ask him what he wanted then he was pressing his to mine, fogging my brain with lust and desire, distracting me as he pushed the pin into my neck.

I shoved him away, fingers feeling where the prick was but it was already hopelessly embedded in my skin. I glared at him, feeling deceived and angry. What was he thinking, tagging me against my will? I hadn't had a chance to study that piece of technology, I didn't know what his intention was, I didn't know if it was something that could be used against me on L6.

"I tagged myself already," he stated, grabbing his own helmet, voice hard. I didn't understand his reasoning, I didn't understand why he would actively trick me.

Suddenly, I realized I couldn't trust him and the overriding urge to remove him from this mission forcibly struck me. I considered my options quickly. The easiest thing would be to physically incapacitate him right here – break a leg, an arm possibly. All I had to do was grab it, pull it forward, hit the elbow just right. I could see it bend in my mind, hear the bones crack under my force and I began to reach out, to complete the action –

And I stopped. I blinked and looked at him again, seeing worry in his eyes, hesitation.

"I'm sorry, but I just –"

"No," I interrupted again, clearing my head, dark memories of pressing my gun to his temple overwhelming me, making my chest uncomfortably tight. This couldn't fucking be happening right now. This was the last damn thing I needed. "It's fine. You're right."

He breathed a sigh of relief and moved in close again, one gloved hand stroking my cheek. "I just don't want to lose you again, yanno?"

I swallowed and tried not to let on how concerned and panicky I felt when I considered how I was just casually going to break his arm without a second thought.

"I don't want to lose you either."

My voice was tense and strange but Duo looked at me sympathetically and drew me back into another kiss, lingering, and I felt my heart bottom out in my stomach. What the fuck was I doing? What was I supposed to do? It wasn't Duo I couldn't trust – it was myself. Once again I was forced to protect him from myself.

"You're distracted," he observed as he pulled away, watching my face carefully as I stonewalled him.

"It's time," I replied, trying to distance myself the way I had so many times, on so many missions, but now for more personal reasons as I pushed past him to the door and he followed without any annoyance at me, just the same nervous anticipation of the future that he always displayed before a mission.

"I have to talk to Howard a minute," Duo warned as we headed to the deck where Howard's men had supposedly been readying our suits.

I quickly made a decision as I nodded, watching him turn down a different corridor, braid swaying jauntily, helmet swinging at the end of his fingertips and I bit down on my lower lip hard as I watched him disappear, saying a sad goodbye to the only man who was able to explain love to me.

But soldiers had no need of love except to motivate them forward, give them a reason to fight, something to protect. Love had no place on a battlefield. It was a distraction – especially for me, the way my mind was deceiving me. When this was over, I could deal with this, I could keep my promise to Duo, we could tackle this together. But now, right now – this was too big, too important, and there was only one sure way to keep him safe.

I climbed into his suit and sabotaged the system before he reached the deck by wiping his nav system and all the base code for suit operation. It would take them hours to download and recalibrate the software to this particular suit's mechanics – assuming they even had an OS on hand when mobile suit systems were basically outlawed except in heavily monitored academic settings. Or apparently if you were a business mogul the likes of Sergio Caldas.

I watched the wind pick up Duo's hair as he strode confidently across the deck, bangs ruffling over his eyes. I was already ascending via zip line into my own suit so that was it – I couldn't touch him, couldn't risk my mind tricking me anymore where he was involved. We would both be safer this way. The mission had a higher chance of success this way.

He smiled and my heart pounded. I watched as he pressed his index finger to his lips, pursing them, a signal to me – a farewell kiss. That same signal used to so many times – on bomb threats and deep within insurgent dens, across staff meetings and train stations. In Zurich, right before I pressed the trigger on a bus full of children.

But I had already said goodbye in my own way and I turned my eyes away to the opened cockpit door, forcing my mind away from its ultimate distraction. I couldn't risk any unnecessary thoughts of him – not now – not until this was over.

I fell heavily into the leather seating, strapping myself in and fitting my helmet quickly as I ran the boot operations and typed in the code for HERA. I felt the system hum to life around me, the raw power reverberating around my weak human body and for a brief moment I could identify with the desire to shed the mortal coil and find a stronger, more potent alternative. It was exhilarating. I wondered if Sergio really knew – if he'd ever piloted a mobile suit during the war, ever had access to this feeling of raw supremacy to everyone and everything.

But then memories of sheets and skin and the feeling of cotton and sweat against prickled flesh, hard and wanting, fingertips sliding against muscle and bone, lips open and teeth scraping against flesh hit me and a shiver ran down my spine. There was nothing like that feeling. That vulnerability, to allow someone else that close to you, physically, by your choice, in your own desperate desire, was power in a completely different, completely metaphysical way.

It was a power that prevailed over the power I wielded in this suit – the power of destruction. It was the power born of choice and passion, a power to connect and meld. It was a power I never knew until I met Duo, a power that changed my life and filled me with a deep, primordial understanding of why – why we existed, why we were so hopelessly flawed, why we needed one another.

And it was a choice we made for ourselves, an option that was all our own, to seek out that power in someone else, someone we selected, someone we found a sympathetic reflection of our self inside of. Sergio wanted to force that, wanted us to share that same understanding across every member of the human race and maybe that would be better, maybe that would one day be ideal, but to force that upon us now, at this stage of our evolutionary development felt like rape and I knew despite finding some understanding of his motivations that I could not let humanity be raped in that manner. Not for one man's satisfaction.

I was in the air before Duo had entered his cockpit and was breeching atmosphere before I felt the gut wrenching sensation of hurt rock through my mind as his system connected itself to mine. I realized in that moment that I should've wiped HERA too, but my focus under such a time constraint was to take out only what was necessary to the operation of his suit. He had no comms and he couldn't reach me, but I knew by the poignancy of his emotions everything he would say to me if he could. I couldn't stop my heart from sending back an apology, but I couldn't explain – it was for the best this way.

This was my problem from the beginning. I created this situation. This was all my fault. There was no reason to drag him into it and now I had the perfect excuse to take him out.

"HERA, please shut down my connection to Duo," I commanded through grit teeth, unable to take the feeling of his anguish at being left behind. It faded quickly, but HERA came back.

He is refusing to disengage his system from ours.

Fuck. I didn't really want him feeling everything I felt, but at this point there was nothing I could do about that. As long as I couldn't feel him, I couldn't be distracted by him. But it made me feel hollow inside to think of how I could just cut him out like that and I wondered as I streaked into space if he understood down there on Earth why I felt like this. I wondered if he would understand that this was the same way I felt when I contemplated erasing him from my mind as well.

I thought about what a huge mistake this had been. I thought about what must've motivated Jack to make the decision to try to resurrect me so desperately. I wondered if he knew what was happening, how the procedure I'd created was going to be abused and if that was why he acted. I wondered if I'd ever really know.

You were unaware of how current day events would come to fruition when you jumped from that hotel balcony.

I flinched, surprised by the information. It never occurred to me that HERA might be able to access memories of mine that I could not. I remembered my experience first using HERA, the memories pressed on me from my own mind, sparked by connecting with Lizzy. I wondered... I wondered then what made Jack jump. How he knew I would be resurrected when I had thought the procedure irreversible.

You didn't know that your memories would be restored, but you decided that living in a world without Duo was too painful, and that even if you died it would be better than surviving without any of your former memories and no hope of a meaningful relationship with him.

It felt like a weight settled in on my chest, crushing me when I considered HERA's answer. I wondered if Duo could feel that, too, how terrible I felt right at this moment. I had cut him out of my life again, but this time I offered him nothing in return. But it was necessary. For him, so that he could survive me. For me, so that I could complete this mission. For the mission, so that no one else had to suffer at the hands of my creation.

The stars blurred before my eyes and I stared at them in confusion until I blinked and felt water run down my face. Fuck. I didn't want it to be this way – but I just had to hope he would forgive me once more when I returned.