I stared nervously in the mirror. It had been some time since I'd last worn my police uniform and seeing it on me once more, was setting off a swirl of emotions. The badge and rank insignia Joyce had given to me was a glaring reminder of my new position as a Constable, but it wasn't just that that was causing butterflies in my stomach. Today, as a mere Constable, I was going to have to walk into the station I had once commanded and face my fellow officers for the first time since I'd been prepared to walk away from them, all for a man who had since shot dead and wounded two of their own. And while they all might not know just what I'd done with Brax, my demotion would surely be seen as proof of just what a fool I'd been.
Joey's arms came around my waist from behind and she propped her chin on my shoulder so she could look into the mirror. "You look just as hot as I remember in uniform."
"It feels a little weird," I admitted and leant back into her embrace.
"How so?"
"Like it doesn't fit properly."
"You've had a baby since you last wore it."
"I don't mean in the physical sense," I murmured.
"You think you don't deserve to be wearing it, don't you?"
I nodded. "Being a cop was all I ever wanted to be, yet I not only threw it all away, I betrayed everything it meant to wear the uniform."
"Give it time and you will soon feel like you've earned the right to wear it," she told me and I drew comfort in her confidence. "Might I suggest though, that you take your shirt off until after Mathew's been fed to avoid any unfortunate accidents."
"Great idea," I said and I swivelled in her arms, then looped mine around her waist. "I wish I could have you with me all day today."
"You can do this Charlie," she said. "And if it would help to deal with your nerves about seeing everyone again, just treat today like it's your first day at a new job and you're meeting everyone for the first time."
"My first day as a rookie was nerve wracking and I was terrified I'd screw up big time."
"Ok, maybe not your first day," Joey said with a wry smile.
"You really think I'm strong enough to do this?"
"Yes," Joey said without delay.
"Sure you don't want to put on a uniform and come with me to hold my hand?"
Chuckling, Joey shook her head.
"You'd look pretty damn cute in a uniform," I told her.
"Sorry, there is only going to be one person dressed in a cop uniform in this family for the moment."
"For the moment?"
"Mathew might want to follow in the Buckton tradition," she explained.
I contemplated that for a moment. I may have tarnished the Buckton name, but I kind of liked the idea of a child of mine following in my footsteps, just as I had followed in my father's.
"Of course, he might be a lot more intelligent and instead, feel the draw of the sea and follow in my footsteps," Joey said teasingly.
"Cop or fisherman, as long as Mathew is doing what he loves, I'll be happy." I pressed my lips to hers. "I love you."
"I love you too."
"Morning Leah," I greeted my friend the moment I walked into the kitchen. "Where's Ruby?"
"Trying to tame her hair," replied Leah, then added with a chuckle, "She discovered the static properties of the couch when she awoke this morning."
I wasn't sure whether to feel even guiltier about my daughter losing her room or to laugh at the image that just popped in my head of Ruby's unruly hair.
"Don't fuss so much Charlie," she said as if she read my mind. "Ruby was fine with sleeping on the couch."
"I knew my return was going to disrupt a lot of lives, but I was hoping to minimise it where I could and booting Ruby from her room was the last thing I wanted."
"She offered Charlie and I think she can happily put up with a bit of static hair if it means having you back in her life."
Mathew gurgled in my arms and pinned Leah with his baby blues.
"I didn't hear a peep out of him last night," Leah commented as she gently touched his little hand, completely enraptured with his gaze.
"It was a big day for him yesterday."
"Yes, I imagine it takes a lot of effort to look this cute," Leah said between gooing and gaaing at him. "Oh, before I forget, Morag called earlier while you were in the shower."
"Did she say what it was about?"
"Said she was sending some documents for you to sign about a Change of Name application?"
"Oh, that will be for Mathew," I said. "I wasn't able to put Buckton on his birth certificate at the time, so I asked Morag if she could arrange things for me." I glanced in direction of the room where Joey was still getting ready. "His name is going to be Mathew Ross Buckton-Collins."
"Wow, that's a big move," Leah said.
"Joey's been there for him even before he was born, she's been there every step of the way since and for me, she's his parent as much as I am and so I want his birth certificate to show that." I grinned. "Of course, hopefully one day, our surnames will be the same as Mathew's."
"Oooh, do tell."
"Well, the M-word has been mentioned, but we haven't had much chance to discuss it in any detail just yet."
"M-word as in marriage?"
"Yep," I said, enjoying the startled look on my friend's face.
"Charlie married, well, that is something I wasn't sure I'd ever be witness to."
"It's not something I ever really gave much thought to either," I admitted. "And unfortunately, it won't be legal, but marrying Joey will be more about the commitment than a bit of paper."
"When do you intend to pop the question?"
"When things settle down a bit." I looked down at my son, "And then when the time is right, I'm going to make an honest woman of your mama Joey." I chuckled when he smiled as he always did these days at the mention of Joey's name.
I stood outside the station. The morning had started off well, with Ruby and Natalie joining us at the breakfast table, where things had been a little more relaxed than yesterday. Then the hardest part of the day so far, had come; when it came time to say goodbye to Mathew. The prospect of spending a day without my son almost had me changing my mind about going through with this, but a gentle reminder from Joey and a promise to bring Mathew to meet me for lunch, was enough to appease me somewhat, along with the photos of him that Joey had slid into my shirt pocket.
Now standing here, came the next hardest part; walking into the station to face the people I'd betrayed. Recalling Joey's words of encouragement, I took a deep breath and strode forward.
You could almost hear a pin drop at the sudden silence that descended upon the station at my appearance. Grace had told me that she would have Watson inform the other officers before my arrival today, that I wasn't really dead and would be returning, but seeing me in the living flesh for themselves, was proving to be a bit more of a shock than just hearing about it.
Hogan was the first to recover and he strode toward me, a huge smile on his face. "It's so good to see you Charlie," he said, shaking my hand vigorously.
"It's good to be seen again," I replied and really hoped that he wasn't the mole, the same with Avery when he greeted me as enthusiastically. It was hard not to let the knowledge that one of these officers could be a mole affect how I interacted with them and I just hoped that any perceived awkwardness would be put down to my nervousness about returning to work after all that had happened. I pushed those thoughts aside as other officers came forward to greet me. It felt like Ruby was right in believing that most of them would be fine with my return as they seemed genuinely happy to see me, though there were a few reserved greetings, mostly from those officers who I hadn't had a chance to get to know very well or were new, but overall, the positive greetings was like a huge weight was being lifted from my shoulders. It wasn't over yet though as Watson hadn't been amongst those present and the apparent snub had me a little apprehensive as to what to expect when we finally did come face-to-face.
As I glanced around the room, my eyes finally fell on Grace, who was looking relaxed and bemused at the scene before her. Oh well, it was time to put our deception to the test. I walked over to her and held my hand out. "Snr Const Wilde, isn't it?" I said.
"That's right," Grace said, taking my hand. The wariness we displayed toward each other now, was deliberate on our part and didn't go unnoticed by the others.
"So, you're Joey's ex," I said, loud enough for everyone to hear and to understand why Grace and I were acting like we were sizing each other up.
"Yeah, but then so are you," Grace fired back.
"Nah, Joey's back with me now," I smugly replied.
There were soft whistles and murmurings to our announcement, with the odd 'This could be interesting' comment and a few glances that were going over my shoulder. I turned around and found Acting Snr Sgt Watson leaning against the doorframe to my, oops, her office. The Sergeant's stripes looked good on her and despite her arm being in a sling, Watson looked every bit the police officer I knew her to be. She also looked less than happy to see me. Grace had warned me Watson probably wouldn't be that receptive to my return at first, but the cold look in her normally bright eyes was like a knife to the heart.
"Grace, Const. Buckton, I'd like to see you both in my office," she requested in a clipped tone I'd never heard from her before and her pointedly addressing me by my rank instead of my name as she once always had, didn't go unnoticed. I spared a glance at Grace who was wearing a frown of her own as she followed me toward the office.