Author's Note: Not much to say here. Other than the conversations in italics are between Hiruma and Yukimitsu in the past before this chapter took place.
Song: Breaking Insides is by Shinedown, I do not own it.
Songs for Daddy
Chapter 35: Breaking Inside
"Part of healing is hurting. You're going to want to shoot me at least once by the end of this, but in the end you'll feel better. Please keep that in mind before we start."
"Tch."
"No, really, please do Hiruma."
"Why are you fucking shaking?"
"Because you're the only person I know that might actually shoot me."
"Oh."
The alarm is set to go off at 5:30 am, but Hiruma does not get up at this time. He slams his hand on the snooze button and dozes off for another thirty minutes. This is mostly because when his real alarm comes in and gets up, Hiruma would much rather be coming out of a light doze than a deep sleep.
Pitter-patter of tiny feet is the warning of the real alarm. It comes into his room at 6:00 am exactly then pounces onto his bed and snuggles up next to him and blows on his ear until there's an audible grunt.
"Morning Papa!" Emiko smiled. She was perky, cheery, and excited at 6:00 am, an hour Hiruma had no business being awake at. And around that time the dog would jump into the bed and start trying to lick his face. Then the damn alarm clock would go off at 6:02 am. After turning the bloody thing off, Hiruma would yawn and get out of bed, hungry puppy and child at his heels.
"Tell me about Chizue."
"Fuck, too much to say. Where the hell should I start?"
"At the beginning of course."
"…?"
"When you first met her."
"Oh." "It started with my fucking old bastard giving me a phone call-"
"-I don't think that's where your problems started."
"Fucking baldy?"
"When did you life start to get messed up?"
"…When that fucking bastard left."
"Let's start there then."
"But you wanted to know about fucking Chizue-!"
"-I do, I really do Hiruma. But the start of your problems goes back further than her. If anything we do is going to be productive, it has to be done at the source of the matter."
"You're saying that all this shit in my life steams from my father?"
"It might not, we're here to find out."
Breakfast, in the Hiruma household is usually a simple affair. Being the only adult, Hiruma starts up the rice cooker and throws some toast in the toaster. Emiko feeds Chizue and pours herself and Papa small glasses of orange juice. By this time Hiruma's had a cup of coffee and started the tea for Emiko (decaf of course).
Adding a bit of milk and fresh fruit to the rice, Hiruma makes a simple rice porridge and serves it to himself and his daughter. Emiko happily munches down her meal and asks her Papa if they have any plans for the day.
"You've got school and I have work and practice." Hiruma answered.
"Are you going to meet with Yukimitsu-san?" Emiko asked, her eyes wide and slightly worried.
"Not today." Hiruma answered.
"-no warning, well to me at least. Don't have a clue if he told Mom or not. One day we were going to the airport and he was going off to make himself famous in America."
"I see."
"So I watched the news and read the papers waiting for him to become famous. Never happened. He came back two years later, hadn't sent me and Mom money so we were kind of poor."
"Something happened, didn't it?"
"They had a fight, only time I've seen them fight. Mom was mad, so she went out to go cool her head and he asked me to follow her-" "-She died. I watched her die!"
Dishes were next, Emiko likes to help with this. She gets to dry all the dishes for Papa. By now it is 7:00 am, two hours until both Hiruma and Emiko are due at their respective places. This is typically when Azuma-san from next door comes over to chat with Emiko while Hiruma dashes through the shower. Once showered, shaved, and dressed, Hiruma returns to the living room and relieves Azuma-san from her duties.
By now it is about 7:35 and Hiruma gets to spend the next 25 minutes getting Emiko ready for school. Most of this time is spent brushing her fine hair and putting ribbons in it.
At 8:00 am, Hiruma drops Chizue off with his neighbors and he and Emiko leave to go to work and school. He lifts her up so that she can push the elevator button to take them down to Papa's car.
"Did you ever talk to him about what happened?"
"No."
"Do it."
"Fucking-!"
"-This is a doctor's order Hiruma Youichi, do you hear me?"
"Y-yes…!"
There's a repeat of the car seat conversation and they buckle in and get on their way. Hiruma drives to the school first, parking at a city park about a block away. Both of them smile happily while they chat about random things on the walk to school. Upon arrival at the school building the mothers there bombard Hiruma with questions and Emiko covers her ears. Typically Anezaki creates a diversion and rescues the two from the mothers.
"Good morning Emiko-chan." Anezaki greeted the little girl.
"'Morning Mom." Emiko smiled back shyly. Hiruma blushed a little, he always does, when Emiko said that.
"Good morning Youichi." Anezaki had taken to using his given name.
"Good morning." Hiruma was a little too embarrassed to try and say 'Mamori' that morning. Sometimes he isn't embarrassed and does address her by her given name.
"I'll see you at dinner then?" Anezaki asked.
"Of course." Hiruma huffed then knelt down and gave Emiko a hug. "You be good at school today, okay?"
"Okay Papa!" Emiko then gave her Papa a kiss on the cheek.
Hiruma waved as his baby girl scampered off to meet her friends. Saying good bye to Emiko in the mornings is hard for him. Anezaki understood this and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Have a good day at work." Anezaki wished him and also gave him a peck on the cheek.
"Yeah, yeah." Hiruma waved it off and started to walk back to his car.
"He's still a bastard."
"Yes and you look a lot better now."
"What?"
"You look visibly more relaxed."
"Tch."
"Now, please pick up where you left off."
"I moved out when I was 12 and didn't talk to him for years. I met Kurita and Musashi and you know the rest of the fucking story."
"No I don't. Why did you marry Chizue?"
"That."
"Yes, that."
"It started when I got a call from my fucking old man…"
Because of the distance from Emiko's school to the office, Hiruma always arrived about 13 minutes late to work every morning. No one minded this, though the secretaries always gave him crap about it. If they weren't flirting with him that is.
"You're always so fashionably late, Hiruma-san." One the secretaries cooed at him. The way she said 'fashionably' made him want to shudder and run away, it was so sullied. But that was definitely not appropriate work conduct so Hiruma only gave them an annoyed look.
"Just buzz me in." Hiruma told her curtly. He never tried to make small talk with the secretaries.
"Takekura-sama, Hiruma-san is here." The secretary went about doing her job, knowing better than to try Hiruma when he used that tone. She'd already learned from that mistake.
"So you two agreed to this because it was convenient for both of you."
"Yes."
"How did you feel about it emotionally?"
"Disgusted."
"Did you question your actions because of that feeling?"
"Many times."
"And you still did it?"
"I don't fucking back out of shit after I committed."
"The elevator is ready." The secretary nodded. Due to issues in the past with drunken employees, Takekura required people to be buzzed into his floor anytime that wasn't the usual arrival times. This meant Hiruma had to be buzzed in every morning. Thankfully all Hiruma had to do was get into the elevator and it would take him straight to his boss' floor.
"So you two were living completely separate lives and pretending to be the other's 'ghost' roommate. But how were you enforcing the 'no children' condition?"
"No sex."
"Makes sense, but Emiko was still conceived…."
"Well it started with about a month of really regular wet dreams…."
Having stepped out of the elevator, Hiruma walked down the hall to where Takekura's office was. As was usual, there was a nice little poster with a picture of something one wouldn't want photocopied with a little notice that said 'please do not abuse the fax machine'; and just like usual, Hiruma ripped the fucking notice down and threw it into the trash bin at his desk.
"Are you going to fucking let that go, old man!?" Hiruma demanded as he marched up to Takekura.
"No." Takekura answered, his eyes glittering with amusement. "It's not very often I get the chance to annoy you about something."
"It happened nine fucking years ago!" Hiruma growled.
"And it's still funny that it did happen nine years later." Takekura justified it. He then paused a moment. "Do you kiss Emiko with that mouth?"
The resulting glare was enough to make Takekura 'eep' and decide never to bring up such a subject with his best friend ever again.
"F-forget I said anything." Takekura said quickly, hoping Hiruma would stop glaring soon. His wish was fulfilled and Hiruma's expression turned into one of annoyance.
"Tch." Hiruma clicked his tongue. "Now, where's my fucking coffee and my fucking work?"
"Coffee will be here in a moment," Takekura eyed one his personal secretaries, who then stood up to get said coffee, "and your work's on your desk."
"Tch."
"It went away after you had sex then came back again a few months later?"
"Yes."
"…That's not normal for someone's body to undergo a hormone unbalance like that without changing any of their other habits; so there was no reason for this to have happened from a physiological prospective, or even a chemical one. Personally I think you should have gone straight to a doctor with that."
"Well it fucking happened-!"
"Not denying that Hiruma, but if you really were having a hormonal imbalance doesn't it strike you as odd that it went away only after you had sex?"
"…!"
"Now I've had enough patients who've had drug addictions coming through my office I bothered to study up on how drugs affect the body-"
"-You think I was fucking drugged?"
"Yes."
"By who?"
"Chizue, who else?"
"You're coffee, Hiruma-sama." The secretary offered him the cup of black coffee.
"Thanks." Hiruma muttered and took it from her.
"Is there something on your mind?" The secretary asked as Hiruma seemed a little distracted.
"No." Hiruma answered curtly and then picked up the financial documents Takekura had given him. The person who replaced him hadn't been doing that great a job. In a few years the company would have been in some pretty good trouble, thankfully Hiruma was here now to fix this before it became a problem.
"You're making too much fucking sense."
"That's part of my job, Hiruma. You're not going to like this next question either…."
"What's the fucking question?"
"What was sex with her like?"
"Baldy!"
"Don't shoot me!"
Takekura had turned on some orchestra piece and went about making phone calls, talking to his co-workers and occasionally pestering Hiruma to see what he thought about a choice.
"Ask for another thousand." Hiruma responded.
"There a reason?" Takekura asked.
"That money needs to be stuck in the fucking bank or you're going to be sorry later." Hiruma answered.
"Oh, okay." Takekura nodded. He trusted Hiruma.
"So now you know she's pregnant. What did you do, how did you feel?"
"…Trapped. And I wanted out so fucking bad, wanted to tell her to get a fucking abortion...."
"You wanted?"
"She was crying."
"Ah."
"I brought it up later. She didn't want to kill it. I didn't think we should raise it, it's not like we fucking loved each other or anything."
"How'd she react?"
"She agreed, after crying."
"-Hiruma!" Takekura all but shouted, making Hiruma jump a little.
"What!?" Hiruma snapped back, annoyed to have been startled.
"Don't be pissy at me, I've been trying to get your attention for the last three minutes." Takekura pointed out. "It's time for lunch, stop working."
"But I'm-!" Hiruma protested.
"Get away from your desk or I will kick you." Takekura told him firmly. Hiruma got out of the chair.
"Sheesh! You're such a workaholic sometimes…." Takekura muttered.
"Shut up, fucking old man." Hiruma growled.
"What did you do next?"
"I took her to a fucking prenatal doctor and they talked a long, long time. She came out and gave me a list of shit we had to buy."
"That's it?"
"No that's just the fucking start."
"Then tell me the rest."
After lunch, Hiruma went back to work. The only difference was that his cellphone was on the desk and within easy reach.
At 2:20 pm Hiruma gets a phone call, from Anezaki.
"Oh Youichi, I'm just calling to tell you me and Emiko got in okay." Anezaki explained.
"Anything happen today?" Hiruma asked, a little worried like he always was.
"Nothing of note-" Anezaki was cut off by Emiko saying something. Hiruma couldn't quite make out of the words, but he knew it was her voice.
"She wants to talk to you." Anezaki explained.
"Put her on then." Hiruma answered. He'd stopped working, but no one in that office would have dared ask him to stop having this conversation on the phone.
"Papa!" Emiko called happily.
"Hey." Hiruma was smiling happily. "How was your day?"
"Lots of fun!" Emiko answered. "I got to play catch with Saka-chan today!"
"That's good." Hiruma smiled.
"Mom says I shouldn't keep you," Emiko was frowning on the other end, "so good luck at practice today!"
"Thanks. I love you, Emiko." Hiruma told her sincerely.
"I love you too, Papa!" Emiko was smiling again. "Bye-bye."
"Bye." Hiruma then waited for Emiko to hang up. He hung up himself, still smiling.
"Looks like our 'Papa' is pleased." Juumonji joked.
"What do you want?" Hiruma sounded annoyed but his content expression was not easily erased. Emiko had that kind of effect on him.
"I wanted you to check the new internet system we put up, if you have a minute." Juumonji explained.
"You turned off the alarms right?" Hiruma asked as he turned on his laptop.
"Of course." Juumonji answered.
It took Hiruma about 15 minutes to successfully hack into the system.
"Hn, a 15." Hiruma answered.
"Damn," Juumonji muttered, "that's worse than last time."
"Why don't you dual boot both systems?" Hiruma suggested.
"That'd work." Juumonji nodded.
"She really did all that?"
"...."
"Cry."
"W-what?!"
"Hiruma you look like you want to cry, it's okay. Just cry."
"But-!"
"Chizue isn't alive, it's not like she can judge you-"
"She's still here! In my fucking head telling me things and making me do things! I can't-!"
"Is she in this room right now?"
"…No."
"Then cry. I'll keep her away."
Having worked solidly until 3:10 pm, Hiruma started packing up his things; him and the other football team members. They'd make their way down to the company's stadium and by 3:30 pm they'd start practice. Hiruma always worked with a group of people to make sure he was safe and in control. They had a game coming up and Hiruma was both excited and mortified about it. What if Chizue came in and attacked him during the game?
"'Suffer as I did, you son of a bitch.'"
"I think, Hiruma, you've already suffered as she had."
"But why? Why did she have to fucking force that on me!?"
"I think Chizue wanted you to understand her and love her."
"You're out of your fucking-!"
"Which only proves why she had a reason to feel that way."
"…."
"Now let's get back to the story, what happened after her death?"
"At some point they pulled me away from the room and put Emiko in my arms. Don't remember the fucking details."
"But you remember being handed Emiko."
"Emiko, she-"
"She what?"
"-anchored me again. Like Mom used to."
"I see."
"What's with that fucking smirk?"
Thankfully this practice went by without any trouble. Something everyone had been thankful for.
"How are you feeling today?" Kuirta asked as they got into the locker room.
"Fine…." Hiruma frowned, not really knowing what was prompting this question.
"You seem better." Kurita explained. "I don't know, like you're not carrying around a lot of weight or something?"
"…Maybe that's because I am." Hiruma muttered thoughtfully.
"Eh?" Kurita didn't quite follow that.
"Well you certainly never do anything in moderation."
"It's not funny."
"Try laughing."
"…Is this some fucking psychology trick of yours?"
"Just do it Hiruma. You're the one paying for this if you hold it off."
"…."
"No really, you're paying me for my time to help you. Now just do it."
"Ha ha."
"Oh come on, I know you don't really laugh like that."
"Fuck you."
"Hiruma."
"Fine."
"Hiruma," Kurokawa came over and pulled Hiruma aside, "I want you to go see your psychologist before the game and get his clearance to play."
"Okay." Hiruma nodded.
"Hey, Hiruma!" Takekura called as he ran over. "Do you think you can play?"
"…I think so." Hiruma answered honestly.
"You'll be in the game then!?" Kurita smiled excitedly.
"Not until fucking baldly says I can fatty." Hiruma reminded Kurita before he could burst into tears and throw a party.
"I want you to practice laughing about it for a bit."
"Why?"
"Laughter has a remarkable amount of healing properties. If you can find something funny it weighs a lot less on your mind."
"So it was one of your fucking psychology tricks."
"But you can't deny they aren't working, can you?"
"Touché."
"See you tomorrow." Takekura bid his goodbye.
"Don't forget about the party on Friday!" Kurita added. "Bring Emiko-chan!"
"Like hell I'm going to forget that, fucking fatty." Hiruma rolled his eyes and got in his car. It was 5:30 pm and he was heading home from work and practice.
"I think there's one last important thing you need to do."
"Only one?"
"You've already fallen in love again, you've already accepted that Emiko can't stay by your side permanently, and you've begun to start looking back and laugh. But you haven't made your peace with Chizue."
"She was-!"
"I know what she was and what she did to you. You already told me about it. The fact of the matter is she is Emiko's mother and was your wife in life. I'm not asking you to love her or even like her, I want you to find peace with her. That's why she keeps haunting you, because you haven't found peace with her or with what she did to you."
"Find peace, huh?"
"Yes. Find peace."
At 6:43 pm, Hiruma opened the door of his apartment.
"I'm home!" Hiruma called as he took his shoes off. Emiko came running over and threw herself into Hiruma's open arms.
"Welcome home, Papa!" Emiko greeted him, her face all smiles.
"Thank you." Hiruma told Emiko. "It's good to be home."
"Welcome back." Anezaki smiled. She was standing a little ways back. With a happy, loving smile Hiruma picked up Emiko and walked over to Anezaki. He kissed her quickly and softly, knowing Emiko probably didn't have the patience for anything more.
"Dinner's ready." Emiko remarked.
"Oh?" Hiruma looked at Emiko with a bemused smile.
"Yup!"
"We just finished it right before you came in." Anezaki explained.
"Then by all means, let's eat." Hiruma nodded and started to walk towards the kitchen.
"Papa, Mom said she's going to move in soon, when is 'soon'?" Emiko asked. Anezaki and Hiruma had decided they'd bring up the subject with Emiko today. Hiruma didn't know the exact date so he looked to Anezaki for an answer.
"Two weeks from this Friday." Anezaki answered.
"Really?" Emiko's eyes lit up.
"Really." Hiruma assured her.
"When are you two getting married?" Emiko asked innocently. Both adults blushed.
"We're not quite ready to be discussing that yet, Emiko." Hiruma answered.
"You're in love, isn't that everything you need?" Emiko asked.
"Emiko-chan, your Papa hasn't met my parents yet." Anezaki explained. "He has to meet them and get their approval first."
"Can't you do that tomorrow?" Emiko asked.
"Emiko, I have work tomorrow." Hiruma reminded her.
"Oh."
"I'll do it this Sunday though." Hiruma did remark. "I haven't actually spoken to your parents have I?"
"Not since that phone call in high school." Anezaki answered. "They do know about the moving in. I think they'll want to meet Emiko too."
"I get to go?" Emiko asked.
"Next time." Hiruma answered.
"Lookie Papa! We made udon!" Emiko was distracted with the dinner she'd helped with.
Hiruma smiled and tired not to turn green. He was never going to get over the gruesome images of his mother's death that the look and smell of udon always brought forth. Thankfully Yukimitsu said that was an okay thing.
_=_=_=_=_
What do you think?