Took a while as I'm preparing for my Sri Lanka holiday. So excited, yeah! This will be the last chapter for a while. WOn't return until the 16th of March.
Susan: Hope this chapter is a little more quiet. I think it's a good moment for a short hiatus.
Shelley: Giving you something more to digest
Melanie: Hope this chapter justifies your trust ;)
Cindy Lou: Not too much of a cliffhanger in this chapter.
Margaret: They are definitely MFEO. Continuing beyond residency... nay... I'm not too sure about it. I quite like the last chapter I wrote (which is completely finished).
Hasi: Everything in italics that happened in the last few chapters in Boston was Meredith's imagination. The miscarriage actually did happen. I thought about abortion, but in the end I decided that it wouldn't be in character for Meredith to have one.
greysfann: The sun will rise again ;)
Clarice: You are half wrong about Derek following Meredith.
Patsy: Things are getting better for Meredith and Derek.
Chapter 38: 4th year
There's this thing I used to do when I was a kid, to my mother's VCR. I'd take it apart, piece by piece and then put it back together again. But inevitably, there was always a piece or two left over, something I didn't quite know what to do with. So what do you do with that piece? Do you try to fit it back in? Do you try to make it work? Or do you decide that you can live without that missing piece?
A few minutes after she had left Derek's office Meredith and Alex sat on a gurney in a hallway. It was late at night and even though Meredith wasn't supposed to be in this part of the Hospital anymore, it was highly unlikely that anyone would find out.
„I always thought my mom was cold and now that I know the whole story I keep wondering if she was always like this or if something bad happened and she turned into a robot." She said. „I mean, is this going to happen to me if I leave?"
„You mean if she moved on from Webber? Like truly." Alex nodded „If she was able to let go and be happy."
„Yeah, I mean, I'm moving to Boston with my son and his dad stays in Seattle." Meredith reminded him „There are some parallels here."
„Why don't you talk to Webber? I mean, he might be able to help you." Alex suggested, but Meredith's face turned grim „After all he's been through this before."
„He…" she tried to form a sentence.
„Might have the answers you are looking for" Alex said. „They didn't have a child, or they didn't know they had one…"
„Mom's answers are not my answers. I'm not pregnant." Meredith said, even though she had been „I haven't slept with a married man, and I probably would have stayed if I hadn't been fired. I mean, I don't want Chris to grow up like me, but I don't really have a choice and my husband kissed not only one, but two women. I don't think there's something we can rebuild"
„That nurse doesn't count and gosh, that research fellow was a dud either." Alex said.
In the meantime Derek had been paged to the ER where the victims of a car crash arrived. The first two ambulances came in and the patients were dead on arrival. The third ambulance brought in a kid with a compressed spine. Derek looked at the teen and noticed that he wasn't too scared even though he couldn't move his legs at the Minute „Dr. Shepherd, can you do me a favor? There's this girl Sara. Sara Hughes. She's at my school and we are taking AP Physics together. I like her, I really do. She always smiles and waves when I walk past her. Can you tell me if she's okay?" he wondered.
„I'm afraid I can't. I'm bound by doctor patient confidentiality." Derek said.
„Just nod if she's okay. Please!" he begged, but Derek knew that he had called time of death for her on arrival.
„I can't nod." He said.
The boy hadn't yet realised that the Girl he had had a crush on for the past ten years wasn't okay and continued to beg. „Come on, haven't you ever been in love? Don't you remember what it's like to look at a girl and to know she's the one."
„How long have the two of you been dating?" Derek wondered.
„Oh, we haven't. She doesn't know I exist." The boy said.
„How can you be sure she's the one?"
„Don't you know what it's like to look at a girl and to know no matter what happens you will always think that she's the most amazing creature on this planet and you want to spend the rest of my life with her?" the boy asked and Derek realized that he did.
„I thought I did." He nodded.
„How did you win her over?" the boy wondered.
„I worked my charm. I walked up to her and bought her a drink, we got married that night." Derek said with a sad tone that the boy caught immediately.
„What happened after that?" he asked „Is she dead?"
„We build a house, had a son." He said and paused. They both had been stubborn.
„What made you change your mind?" the boy wondered. „She isn't dead, is she?"
„She ran away." Derek said „She's working in Boston"
„Did she come back?" the Boy wondered.
„Yes." Derek nodded „to sort things out"
„Don't they say that 'if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever'? I mean she did come back." The boy said „Please tell me how Sara is, just nod if she's okay."
„I can't nod, I'm sorry." Derek said and bit his lips.
„She's not coming back." The boy finally realized. But Meredith had and Derek finally realized that the fact that she had come back now meant that there still was a chance.
After Derek had gotten out of surgery he immediately went to buy flowers – lavender- and Meredith's favorite chocolate. He'd pick up Christopher and they'd go on one last play date before they both left.
Meredith opened the door and saw that 200 pods of lavender on her deck. „Derek, you can't treat people like shit and then expect them to love you because of one Grand gesture. That's not how it works. You're doing this because of the custody ruling"
„If you choose to believe this, but I'm not" Derek muttered. „I saw you, 800 days ago. I was drowning and you pulled me out of the water. Meredith, I didn't kiss my assistant, she kissed me, it wasn't amicable."
„Leave me alone. I'll get Christopher for you" Meredith shut the door. Derek rang the door bell again and Alex opened this time.
„Leave her alone. You lost every right to talk to her." He yelled „I'll kick your ass the next time you…"
„Alex" Meredith interrupted him.
„I'm sorry I stood up to him" Alex shrugged.
„You don't have to save me, neither of you." Meredith insisted and handed over Christopher to Derek „I need no saving. I'm not Bambi. I don't need to be saved. Good bye Derek."
„I really hope you are finding the happiness you are pretending to have in Boston." Derek said „I'm sorry, Meredith. I talked to the board."
The day was spent with filling in forms and registering boxes for the moving company. It had been exhausting and Meredith needed some time off. There was one person in her life that didn't have an awful lot of company lately. Meredith went over to Callie's apartment one last time before leaving in the morning. Callie was somebody she was able to share her problems with „I know what's going to help. At least for now!" She pulled out a bottle of tequila.
„A bottle of Jose?" Callie laughed „Really? You'll be sorry in the morning"
„I'm always sorry in the morning." Meredith said and maybe she wouldn't think about leaving so much with a gigantic headache.
Callie pulled away the bottle and looked at Meredith sternly. „You are telling yourself that you are better off without him, he thinks he's better off without you and you miss him and Meredith, Derek misses you. So perhaps it's just one big fat lie both of you are hiding behind."
„Why do you make this harder on me?" Meredith tried to get the bottle back.
„Because I know all it takes is one minute, one stupid decision by someone else and your whole life is destroyed." Callie said „They found the guy who pushed me. He confessed."
Meredith smiled „That's …"
„brilliant?" Callie asked „No it isn't. Nothing changed, I'm still not back working and I… it happened, and no amount of sorrys can make this undone and I hate Sofia for it and this is clearly the most pathetic thing you ever heard"
„I was pregnant and I lost it and Derek doesn't know and a part of me feels relieved that I lost it because having another baby would make things incredibly hard." Meredith said. „I lost a baby and I'm happy about it. That's the kind of person I am now."
„Thank you! I'm actually feeling better now." Callie said „I look at Sofia and I wanna love her, but I can't. I can't and I don't know why. This kid, he took a piece of me…I feel incomplete"
Meredith, Alex, George and Cristina were standing at the airport. „So this is goodbye." Meredith looked at her watch and Christopher.
„I'll be back." Alex hugged her. „Take care"
„And you'll be back too Meredith." George said „I'm trying to talk to Webber again."
„Are you sure you don't want to wait for Derek?" Cristina wondered.
„Cristina, he's not coming. He hates me for this and I hate myself for this." Meredith mumbled.
„Meredith, you have another 20 minutes." Cristina suggested.
„Guys, I have to go." Alex said and left them.
„Bye Alex." Meredith and Cristina said at the same time.
„He's not coming. He …" Meredith said.
„… hold on…" Cristina interrupted her „I got a text from Avery…"
„What's the matter?" Meredith wondered.
„They talked to the Chief and he made him talk to the board. And as it turns out Derek convinced them to give you your job back." Cristina said.
„You don't turn down a job at MassGen and I can't work with Derek because that would require talking." Meredith said
„You are running. You don't run." Cristina insisted „You might not need saving, but you should stop running."
„I ran. Good bye Cristina." Meredith said „I'll call you if we are in Boston."
"We have to go now Meredith. Our flight is leaving"
"I don't want to go mommy. I want to see daddy"
"You can't Meredith. We are going to Boston because mommy is going to work in Boston. Be a good girl Meredith and don't act out."
"But mommy…"
"What did I tell you Meredith? We are playing the quiet game and your father won't see you anymore"
"Mommy, I really don't want to go! Anatomy Jane is still at the house. I need her"!
"There's no time, Meredith. We have to leave. I can't breathe if I stay here much longer"
Derek ran to the gate. „Sir, boarding was completed 5 minutes ago. We already closed the doors."
„You don't understand. I really have to go." Derek insisted.
„You are too late Sir." The woman repeated.
„Please, hear me out. The woman I love and our son are in there and she's going to move to the other side of the country with him if I don't stop her now." He said „I have to stop her because I don't want to be apart from them. We had a fight, I was stubborn and she was stubborn, but our son is too important to me, what we had is too important to me. I can't let her get away"
„Dada! Dada!" Christopher shouted. Meredith had been to the rest room and now pushed the stroller.
Derek hadn't noticed their presence yet and continued. „I can't live without her and I love our family and I love what we have. I'm willing to fight for it and I hope she is too. So please let me in there."
„You might want to turn around Sir." The woman smiled.
„Dada" Christopher smiled.
„Christopher? Meredith?" Derek stuttered „Meredith, I thought you were taking the plane."
„I was. And then I couldn't go because your son was crying and wanted to see his daddy – and I remembered when mom took me to Boston." Meredith explained. „I'm not my mother. I don't want my son to grow up in a hospital gallery. I don't want to take him away from his dad. I probably ruined our chances to adopt Zola, but I owe our son the chance to grow up with his dad. And they offered to give me my job back. Why are you here?"
„I had to come and see you."
Meredith and Derek were riding home in his car. „Is the music okay for you?" Derek wondered.
„The Clash is fine, you like the Clash." Meredith said and looked out the window. They were driving into Seattle again, a road she had never been on, but Derek said it was a shortcut.
„I was asking if you like it." He told her.
„It's fine 'cause you like it." She said a little aggressive.
„I was asking if you want to listen to it." Derek insisted.
„I told you I love you in a pretend to like your taste in music kind of way. Remember? So I'll just pretend I like your taste in music now." Meredith said and they both turned quiet. The lyrics to ‚Should I stay or should I go?' seemed almost ironic given their current situation.
When they arrived home, Meredith put down her bags in the living room. They were both quiet and looked at each other „You came." Meredith finally said.
„Meredith, let me bring Christopher to his room" Derek said and focused on the road „But yeah. I had to. I promised you I'd always show up. I forgot about it for a while, but I remembered just in time. You didn't leave either."
„I stood there, I was ready to board the plane, they called our names and I couldn't move and I remembered you promised to love me even if you hate me." Meredith explained „My mother's and Richard's love story ended with an adoption. I didn't want ours to end the same way. Because if I had left, let's just face it, we'd be over. This long distance thing doesn't work for anybody. I couldn't go to Boston like she did, cut all the bonds, never see anyone again, pretend like none of it happened, I couldn't take our son and leave his dad in Seattle. I couldn't. It's not how it's supposed to happen."
„Meredith, I told Richard I'd move to Boston with you." Derek explained. „I would have followed you – I'm not Thatcher. I wanted to be in Christopher's life"
„And see, Derek, it's what Addison did with Mark. She dragged him to another state." Meredith shrugged.
„I was ready to resign because I'm not Thatcher and I have nothing in Seattle except you and the Christopher." Derek told her. Her and Christopher.
„I'm glad you came. I heard your speech and it was sweet, but let's face it, it doesn't fix our problems. Do you understand why I wanted to give Callie the opportunity to see Sofia now? You were ready to quit your job for the same thing. Callie wanted to see her."
„I do." He nodded „But you could have told me. You need to tell me those things."
„I was going to… before we talked to Janet the first time." She said and they both remembered the moment „But she was early or I was late or whatever and when you told her about how we worked at the hospital it was too late."
„Is that why you asked if I'd still love you if you weren't a surgeon?" Derek wondered. It had seemed like an odd question back then.
„Do you think we are going to get her back?" Meredith wondered.
„I don't know." Derek answered truthfully.
„Do you think we can survive this?" Meredith asked.
„I hope so." he said and looked at her. The look on her face indicated that she wasn't sure and that she was afraid to find the question.
„I have to call Mass. Gen. If we want to fix this whole mess, I think we have to talk." Meredith said and took out her phone „We really need to talk about all of this. About Boston, about you kissing this nurse"
„about you sleeping naked on someone else's couch" Derek added. „You run and when you were in trouble you didn't come to me for help. You didn't tell me anything. I love you. I love you just about enough that if you'd leave again it'd destroy me. Completely destroy me."
„You were busy and…" Meredith tried to explain, but he interrupted her.
„You don't trust me Meredith – not enough to share your secrets with me." Derek explained. „You share those with Lexie or Cristina or Alex or George. Why didn't you tell me about the suspension, Meredith?"
„I didn't want to disappoint you." Meredith said.
„You disappoint me if you don't share something like this with me." Derek answered.
„You don't understand it, Derek. You are an attending. I couldn't have told you. What would you have done when I told you? You would have yelled and you would have asked me whether I was in my right mind –and you wouldn't have tried to understand it. You are an attending." Meredith insisted „It's not about trust, Derek. I was trying to do what's right and when I saw you with her I thought that you had already moved on and I didn't want to stay stuck in a place where I don't belong any longer. When I saw you kissing Rose -or Renee, I felt like everything broke down into tiny little pieces. I was barely hanging on before that, I mean I was fine when I was in Boston, but when I saw you and Christopher I knew something was missing. And then I saw you kiss them."
„You are right, Meredith. I don't understand it. But I would have liked to know where you were or why you took our son with you or when you put him on a flight across the country back to Seattle with my nosy sister." Derek said. He was still mad that Meredith had left their son with one of his sisters.
„I'm his mother, Derek."
„You are." He nodded.
„You kissed another woman…" Meredith said and Derek interrupted her. „I wasn't kissing her she was kissing me.
„Twice. Two women were kissing you. You didn't stop her, you didn't step away." Meredith said.
„Nothing happened. Give it time Meredith, just give me some time to digest all of this." Derek said „12 hours ago I had lost everything I had, that Christopher would be living on the other side of the country with a person that hated me. I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight."
„I have to talk to Cristina about this" Meredith said and grabbed the set of spare keys on the counter.
„Why?" he wondered.
„Because she's my person." Meredith said.
„I want to be your person, let me be your person. I love you Meredith, even when I hate you." He yelled „We… we have to work it out. We will work it out. I'll try to trust you, I'll try to be a good listener and you will tell me things. You will try to communicate and you won't run."
„What about Zola?" Meredith wondered.
„I don't know if I can forgive you for that."
„Derek, if you can't there's no point in trying. Because it's always, …" Meredith explained.
„Meredith, I'm going to try. We'll figure everything out." He calmed her down „I love you.. I'll sleep in the guest room until we figure out our next step, you don't need to sleep on the couch."
The gallery was half empty. A decompression of the spinal cord was nothing too interesting, but Meredith was watching it anyway. „You look like crap." Lexie told Meredith and handed over a cup of coffee.
„I haven't slept tonight. I couldn't." Meredith admitted „Our couch is not very comfortable and I had to think and Christopher woke up twice and was crying."
„Have you considered counseling?" Lexie wondered.
„Derek and Addison had counseling. That ended well." Meredith noted „I don't think it can fix anything. Look where they are now. How do I apologize for what I did and how do I forgive him?"
„You don't have anything to apologize for, Mer." Lexie told her.
„I do. We both do." Meredith insisted.
„You don't apologize. An apology is only effective if a mistake has been made. You chose to take Callie to the NICU, it wasn't unintentional." Lexie said.
„But I sort of lied to the social worker, I didn't tell him and I still don't know how to tell him everything." Meredith paused. „Losing my job wasn't the problem, it was the lying. It's my fault we lose her and staying here is not going change the fact that I destroyed what we had."
„Why are you here anyway?" Lexie wondered. „George said you can have your job back"
„Dr. Webber and I are going to have a chat about what actions have to be taken for me to come back." Meredith rolled her eyes. The eye rolling had two sources. Richard Webber and the fact that the intern that assisted Derek was flirting with him.
„Would it be okay to stab her with a scalpel?" Meredith looked at Lexie and pointed at the Girl.
„You just got your job back or are in the process of getting your job back. I'd be inappropriate to stab people now." Lexie said.
„There is an appropriate point in time to stab people?" Meredith giggled. „Has she been doing this when I was away?
„She has been doing this ever since she got here." Lexie said.
„And she just screwed up the spinal fusion." Meredith said looking at the Monitor „Look at the way she fastened those screws. They aren't going to hold up. The way she used the wire…" She pressed the intercom system button.
'Derek, pause' she insisted.
'What's the matter Meredith?' he wondered.
'If you continue you are going to cut the spine in half. …' Meredith said.
'I haven't done anything wrong' the resident said looking up.
'Look at the wire.' Meredith said ‚The way you wrapped it around the vertebrae is going to slice up his spine once he leans forward because you didn't secure the screws properly'
'Christ, thank you Meredith.' Derek nodded ‚Want to scrub in for the rest?'
'No, HR is still working on my contract.' Meredith declined and got back on her seat.
„I saw my half-sister. The one Ellis gave up for adoption" Meredith said „It's weird I always meet you at hospitals."
„When?" Lexie wondered.
„Today at the deli." Meredith answered sarcastically „When I was in Boston. She's nice and I told her who I am."
„What did she say?" Lexie wondered. „I mean you didn't take it well."
„Not much. She said she needed time because I had taken so long to tell her." Meredith said „I used Ellis' maiden name to avoid all the Ellis Grey hype."
„Why?"
„Because I didn't want to be like her for a change." Meredith said.
„You are nothing like your mother, Mer." Lexie encouraged her „Dad talks about her every onces in a while. When I told him you went away he told me that I had to make sure that Derek and you weren't going to make the same mistake he did with you. And he gave me a photoalbum. It's in my locker. You can have it if you want."
Meredith sat in the cafeteria. She was on her own and had just returned from HR „Thank you" Derek told her after he sat down next to her.
„For what?" Meredith wondered.
„For preventing a law suit and hours of unnecessary work." He said. „How did you catch that?"
„I watched. That's what happens if you flirt with your attending instead of actually doing the work" Meredith looked at him.
„That girl flirted with me?" Derek asked innocently.
„Are you that oblivious to the people around you? That intern basically asked to be …" Meredith paused and realized that she was acting like a jealous girlfriend „never mind… don't let her flirt with you."
„Wyler isn't an intern, It's just flattery. Plus, I thought she might need some encouragement before she's leaving." Derek said. „She's transferring to John Hopkins."
„Derek, it isn't and she's been doing this ever since the merger. It's like she's in love with you." Meredith said. -Her and Kepner and a few other residents, but she realized that he was somehow still oblivious to all of this.
„Maybe I'm going to divorce you and we'll run off to Vegas." He teased her.
„Shut up." Meredith told him and giggled „I hate you, Derek!"
„Why?"
„You still try to make me laugh even when I'm angry at you and you are angry with me" she said in a sweet voice.
„What's the matter, Meredith?" Derek wondered.
„I missed you, Derek!" Meredith admitted „I really missed you!"
„What did HR say?" Derek wondered.
„'Here's your badge, your pager and everything, now please sign this contract. Thank you. Now you have to go and get a psyche eval because what you did was nuts and we have to cover our asses. Please don't kill any patients. Bye'" Meredith paraphrased.
„Psyche eval? I'm married to a maniac." Derek noted.
„Don't look at me like I'm crazy." Meredith giggled.
„We could buy a jacket for the nights, …" he teased her „I love you Meredith and I would have followed you and we are going to get through this. Just come home tonight. I'll make dinner and we'll see how it goes from there."
„One step at a time."
„You came." George said and looked at Callie who was holding Sofia. He had invited them to dinner.
„No, wait." Callie told him after he had asked to her to come in. „I I need you to listen. Just listen? Um I want to be a good mother. I want to be a good mother so badly, And, um, I'm trying to figure out how to do that, how to do that when I look at this baby and all I can think of is what happened to me. It changed me, and I don't know how to change it back. But I'm trying to be a good mother, okay?" Callie began to try and handed over the baby to George.
„Okay." George nodded.
„And and you're right. You're right. It's not it's it's not just about you and me anymore." She said. Despite their more than complicated past, they had to make it work. „And being a good mother means doing what's best for your child. And you may not understand this, and you may never forgive me for it, but I I walked out that door tonight to do what's best for Sofia. This is what's best for Sofia."
„You're what's best for Sofia." George said and looked at the diaper bags, toys and everything Callie had brought with her.
„This is me being a good mom." Callie said and began to cry.
„Callie? Callie." George hugged her and tried to console him. „Shh, shh, shh."
„How was MassGen? I want the whole story." Jackson said „I mean my granddad is totally in love with you."
„It looks a lot more friendly if you aren't a six year old child in an OR gallery. They made an intern give me 'the tour' on my first day" Meredith laughed.
„and you knew the place better than he did." Jackson rolled his eyes.
„Yeah. I spend hours there as a child. But I liked working there." Meredith smiled „I was being the old me for a while and it was great. Like a holiday from your normal life -and your granddad- he's amazing."
„The OR galleries at Brigham are a lot nicer. I learnt how to do my first stitch there." Jackson said „and he's only amazing if your last name isn't Avery."
„To being royally inbred" Meredith toasted „What's Webber doing here?"
„He's been here quite often lately." Jackson nodded. In fact he had been there every night.
„That's odd." Meredith noted. „Have you talked to your granddad since I quit?"
„He was pretty pissed, but he understands why you aren't coming back." Jackson wondered „and Dr. Shepherd had already asked him for a job when you decided to stay here. So he lost out on an amazing neurosurgeon too."
„Kepner wears off on you. I can't believe she left for three months." Meredith admitted „When is she coming back?"
„Neither can I. ‚I'm pretty sure they said that, Dr Shepherd. If I'm wrong, you can spank me. Oh, Chief Shepherd, I do hope I'm wrong.'" he tried to imitate her.
Meredith looked at her schedule for the week „I hate that Oral Prep stuff. Feels like you planned a terrorist attack and they interrogate you to find out more." She joked. If the boards were anything like this, she couldn't imagine getting through.
„At my house we call it Sunday dinner." Jackson sighed.
„World class surgeons have Sunday dinners? Now I feel betrayed" Meredith laughed.
After Jackson had left, Richard walked up to the place Meredith was sitting at. He looked at her and started talking „Good to have you back, couldn't have lived with myself…"
Meredith took a deep breath, but as he kept talking about what a fine surgeon she was, she couldn't contain herself any longer. „You, you shut up, you did live with yourself, for more than 25 years you've been living with yourself. You ruined my life the day you chose to stay with your wife. You broke her and you don't have to look after me now. I know you promised her you would before she died- but I'll be fine on my own. I have people who are willing to put up a fight for me and you aren't one of them."
„Meredith, I'm very sorry. - For everything." Richard added „I should have fought harder."
„Well, there's nothing we can do about this now." Meredith yelled. Almost everyone at the bar looked at her. Meredith Grey- the crazy resident that had lost her job over helping a friend.
„I would have stayed with her if I had known that she was…" he said hesistantly.
„It doesn't matter now, does it?" Meredith laughed bitterly.
„Welcome back, Dr. Grey." Richard nodded and acknownledged the fact that Meredith wasn't ready to accept his apology.
„Why are you here? In a bar I mean…" Meredith paused and looked at Richard „I thought you were…"
„I wasn't. I misdiagnosed myself" Richard said „I drank because of your mother when she left."
„Oh, she had this effect on people." Meredith nodded and wondered why he was drinking now „Can I ask you a question?"
„Sure." Richard nodded.
„She always thought you didn't pick her because of me, because you never wanted kids." Meredith said „Would you have chosen her if it wasn't for me?"
„You had no part in this" Richard said „I wanted kids, but I didn't want them with Adele and I didn't want to break up her marriage."
„So, if she had told you, you would have…" Meredith hesitated. Maggie turned out good without them. She was happy. Would they have been happy together? Ellis was able to live without him.
„I don't know Meredith. Ellis was always ten steps ahead, I didn't know if I could have that for the rest of my life." Richard said and took another sip from his drink „I loved her Meredith, she was the love of my life."
„Is that the reason you can't look at me? Because I remind you of her." Meredith got up and left Richard on his own. .
When we go without certain things long enough, it's easy to forget just how much we need them. We forget what we had once. We forget what it's like to live with a thing, not that we need, but that we want, That's why it's so important to remind ourselves, for us to remember, just because we can live without something, doesn't mean we have to.
Upon returning to their house Meredith found her husband in the kitchen „Hey, you are late." He looked at her.
„Yeah, Dr. Avery and I were grabbing a beer before I came here." Meredith nodded. It had given her just enough time to be ready for the conversation ahead of her.
„And I just finished dinner, so you can sit down and enjoy chicken parmesan and pasta. It's finished in two minutes." Meredith looked at him. He was nervous and almost dropped the plates when he put the plate down in front of her.
They both ate in total silence until they both turned their heads and looked at each other „I'm sorry" Meredith and Derek said at the same time, followed by a moment of charged silence.
„When Rene kissed me, I shouldn't have let it get so far, it was a mistake, but I tried to forget you Meredith because I was trying to persuade myself that I'd be okay without you. But you are everything." He said and nervously juggled a towel from one hand to the other. Meredith could see the regret on his face „When her lips touched mine, I realized that I could never leave you, Meredith. You are everything to me. The thought of losing you… by the time I realized it, it was too late." They starred at each other without saying a word until Derek stuttered "I can't live without you. You... you're everything. I love you and I'm not going to stop loving you. I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you, and I'm going to do everything in my power to prove it. Let me say something. I was resentful and I'm sorry. We'll get through this. You are the most amazing person I ever met and you came back this time."
„But I lied to you and we lost Zola because of it." Meredith said.
„You didn't mean for it to happen and you and me have to stop blaming and punishing us for it." Derek insisted „I can't live without you, and I want to have five chatty kids with you"
Meredith bid her lips, now wasn't the right to tell Derek about her pregnancy. His words felt like piercing needles nonetheless, but he was there, saying all the words she had wanted to hear for ages. „I can live without you" Meredith looked into Derek's eyes. He was crushed as she had shattered his hopes, but she didn't stop. She looked at him and added „but I don't want to, I don't ever want to."