Too Much Love Will Kill You
38 – Save your breath
"I'll leave you alone for a few minutes," Dumbledore said. Somehow, he had guessed that the couple needed to be alone.
"Thank you, Albus," the Potions Master replied.
He was still holding Lorena firmly against him. She began to panic and tried to escape his embrace. "Please… Professor…"
"No, Lorena, I won't let you go." Severus held her tighter against him. He caressed her cheek tenderly, his right hand drawing the line of her jaw. "I won't… take advantage of you here. Not in the Headmaster's office." Lorena's right hand touched his as she closed her eyes under his caress. The two rings glittered in the faint light provided by the light filtering through the windows.
Suddenly, Severus took her lips with his, for a more demanding kiss. Lorena was surprised and she gave in to him. His tongue entered her mouth and searched it with an obvious pleasure. Lorena did not resist him, she loved his kisses.
Somehow, in the Headmaster's office, she knew she was safe, that Severus would not attempt anything violent against her there. Yet, the intimate contact proved disturbing for her. She was sad thinking that he could be so sweet and passionate in his kisses, and so violent and brutal when he had taken her, to the point he had raped her.
I will have to marry a man that has raped me, she thought with apprehension, realizing the implications of the Unbreakable Vow. She hid this particular thought deep down her mind. They parted after long, long seconds of a sensual, torrid kiss.
"Lorena, there are things we have to discuss before leaving. We're alone here, nobody to hear us." He went on caressing her cheek. "When we are together alone, you may call me by my given name and I will call you by your given name too. In any other occasions, however, you shall address me as 'Professor' or 'sir', as usual. That is, in class, in the corridors, at lunch, any places where we may be heard. Is that clear ?"
"Yes… Severus."
"Right. The same goes for gestures. No intimate gesture between us, not from me or from you."
"I told you I don't want any physical contact with you any more." There was a bit of anxiety in her voice. "You already got too much of me. Let go of me now !"
He resisted her pushing him. She remained between his arms, surrendering.
"No. Not until I've finished. We may be familiar with each other provided we're alone and strictly alone. That means in my office and quarters if the wards are effective. That does include Spinner's End too, provided there are no visitors there then. Otherwise, no gesture between us that may indicate we are somewhat… intimate. Did I make myself clear ?"
"Or that we were, Severus. I don't want you to touch me any more."
"And how are we going to do when I have to fulfill the last part of the Unbreakable Vow ?"
Several thoughts crossed her mind. She may die. He may die. They may both die. All this before they could fulfill that part. There would be many obstacles before they could do so – Voldemort was the main condition and he was the biggest obstacle by far.
Of course, Lorena did not wish Severus to die. She loved him too much for that. "The Vow specified you marry me, so that our child may be legitimate and me not an unwed mother. It doesn't mean anything else," she replied.
Severus looked at her, an angry glint in his dark eyes. "You mean we would marry and nothing else ? Nothing more ?"
Something in her heart broke at the thought. She shook her head negatively. "It's just…" She swallowed hard. "I told you, I need time before…" Her eyes filled up with tears. "It's just I can't follow you… in what you want from me… all the way… physically."
He sighed. It was all his fault. For a few minutes of lust to be fulfilled, he may have forfeited his relationship with her. Of course, there was that undying love of her for him. He knew that. "I'll wait then." But once you're mine officially, I'll take from you what will be rightfully mine – you.
"A last thing. You won't see it but I prefer to tell you first so that you're not surprised or won't make a fuss. You have this ring on your finger so that nobody could say anything derogative about your being pregnant. However, I won't wear mine."
She stiffened in his arms. "But your Love-Snakes ? How will they survive without the physical contact with you ? They need it !"
Severus was moved by her question. Her primary concern had been for the little beings, not for her own ego or feelings.
"Don't worry about them. I'll wear the ring but not on my finger. I'll wear them on a chain around my neck, under my garments. That way, they'll still be in contact with my skin and they won't die. I promise you. Remember that nobody at the castle, and even less the Dark Lord and his followers, have to know that I got engaged to you. Even though most people are not that perceptive, even with their both eyes, they may notice we have just come up with rings at the same time. That's enough to trigger off suspicions. Last but not least, we have the same rings and some people, staff or students, may notice the resemblance and draw their conclusions. These are not ordinary rings."
"Why did you choose such rings then ?"
"As I had already decided I would wear my ring under my garments, the issue of choice was sorted out. I was then free to choose any ring I wished." Because I wanted something special for you, Lorena. Something that would please you. Something quite unique for you and me. Something a real symbol of our bonding together. Severus could not admit in front of her that – it was as if he admitted her he loved her. He could not even admit it to himself. To tell her so would be the same as lying in his opinion. And he could not lie to her.
She must have felt all this as she did not press the issue. Somehow, she felt that the rings could serve as talismans like the Snape medallion she wore. Endowed with enough elemental magic, the Love-Snakes could protect them after all. She would work on that. A strong intuition told her that the Love-Snakes were magical creatures endowed with the same magic as herself. Therefore, they should respond to elemental magic in quite a positive manner.
"I understand, Severus. I'd do nothing to put you in danger. Things are already difficult enough. By the way, I don't think many students know about Love-Snakes. Not even the staff – except Hagrid maybe. Though I'm not sure, as he rather likes to deal with bigger creatures, not tiny beings like these Love-Snakes." She chuckled. "Love-Snakes… I like the name. And I like them too."
Severus was pleased that she loved his present. His embrace tightened again, he gave her a fierce kiss. Lorena was surprised and she quickly gave in to him, her hands knotting around his neck, her resolve not to give in to him crumbling little by little. She loved his kisses so much. Too much.
After long minutes spent as such, they broke the kiss. Lorena had a pleased smile on her face. Her hands went from his neck to his face and she began to caress him there, feeling his features. He let her do and even closed his eyes as her light fingers went over his face. She was blind, that was a way for her to look at him. Her fingers gently stroked his lips, drawing the design thereof – his thinner upper lip, his fuller lower lip, that lower lip she loved to lick with her tongue and graze gently with her own mouth. His lips had a perfect design in her opinion.
"You're so… handsome… Severus," she ended up saying. I love your lips and your kisses… She was aware he was not so handsome – at least in her memories before going blind. But his mouth, that was surely the part of his body that she liked most.
For someone that doesn't want any physical contact with me anymore… He refrained from commenting though, too glad to enjoy that moment. He was always surprised when she said that. He knew he was not handsome. As long as he had never dared tell her so, now he felt it was the time to ask her.
"Why do you say such a thing, Lorena ? You know I'm not. You must remember me when you were not blind. I taught you for five years, you had plenty of time to look at me !"
She smiled a little. "I know. I did. But physical sight stops at the surface of things and people. I can see further and beyond. I don't need to be blind to see what you really are behind the appearance you give. You don't fool me. That's why I say… yes, indeed, you're handsome to me." Her eyes glittered. I love you.
"You don't see me with the eyes of reality."
"I do. I have the time to watch you for five years. I just changed my perspective by watching you with the eyes of a blind person, if this is what you mean. It confirmed what I had felt then. Deep inside, you're a caring man and your soul is… beautiful. Despite your violence and what you did to me." I love you. You can't change that.
"Are you aware that I don't share your feelings ? Your… love is unrequited. Did it cross your mind ?"
"Oh, yes, it did. I'm willing to take the risk of loving you without you loving me. I had resolved to take that risk long ago. Who cares ? Besides, it's not so important now, I guess, as we won't have any physical contacts together anymore."
He cringed but she could not see it. "I do care. I…" Severus was at a loss for words. True, he did not love her like she did love him but at the same time, he did not want to hurt her – he had done so enough. Another platonic love, he mused. Like with Lily. Was he always condemned to such relationships ? Though he had already possessed Lorena carnally – while he had never had the opportunity to tell Lily how much he loved her and even less to prove it to her, by making love with her.
"Don't say anything else." She put a finger on his lips. "Just let me go now."
He did, opening his arms. There were things he could not understand and the love experienced by this young woman for him, was among them. He felt emptiness once their bodies had parted. He thought about the Vow he had taken to protect her and the child she carried. He thought about the Love-Snakes. Something stirred at his soul and in his flesh.
"I want you, Lorena. You can't deny that. You can't deny me."
She stiffened in her tracks. A look of panic crossed her features. "No… I don't think this is a good idea, Severus… Please."
"On the contrary. There won't be many opportunities for us to meet like this. Let's go back to the dungeons, to my quarters… Let me love you !"
His growling voice had something silky, raw and sensual. Dangerous. He came to her, caught her arm and tried to catch her lips but she turned her head away.
"I don't want, Severus," she managed to say. "Let me go."
"You keep telling me you love me and you don't want ?"
"My feelings for you are one thing. I'm afraid of… your brutality. I've already told you everything on this matter. Now, let go of me."
He had been really brutal, taking her without her consent, though she had consented to sleep in his bed for the night. Well, sleep only. But the morning hard-on had fueled his lust and he had taken her no matter what. Severus felt he would pay the high price for that foolish, unforgivable deed of his for a long time.
"I promise you I won't do it again, Lorena."
"You're just about to do it now though. Save your breath."
Her words reminded him of the moment when he had begged Lily to listen to his apologies when he had hurt her with one word. Now, things were worse, he had hurt Lorena with one ugly, cruel deed. Had he learned anything in all these years ? Was he still the same stupid teenager condemned to repeat the same type of mistakes over and over again ? Not this time. I won't let her go. She's mine.
"Listen, Lorena, you're young, beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, talented. Every thing a man can wish. No wonder you raise desire in a man. What do you expect from a man still young, with the needs and the wants of a man of my age ?"
"Desire… Needs… Wants… that's all that drives you. Along with lust and passion and…" she sighed. Desire, needs, wants, passion and lust. Sex. Not love. She remembered she had agreed to love him even if her love was unrequited. That doesn't include making love with him without any purpose.
"Yes, desire. Lust. Passion." He paused. Why was it so hard to tell her ? Why is it so hard to tell to myself ? He sighed. "I want to make love with you. Now."
"You want to make love with me ? How do you call what you did to me a few mornings ago ? Besides, I'm not your wife yet, you know. No, Severus, I won't give in to you." She moved away from him and turned her back to him.
He looked at her, his black eyes narrowing on her. His Slytherin mind was working full speed. But she had already opened the office door and was out on her way down the stairwell. He went after her and took her hand in his. "Come with me. We can still spend some time together, you and me."
They were outside. She turned to him, her senses in alarm. "No, I don't think this is a good idea, Professor. Let me go !"
He did not let go of her. They arrived outside the stairwell together, his hand on her arm. He dragged her against him, forgetting all caution as anybody could be on their way to the Headmaster's office. He kissed her lips with passion. She did not mind kissing him, she loved that. She loved the design of his lips, as she had felt it under her fingertips. Severus kissed divinely well. Not that she had many trials before with other men or boys to compare but she just felt it so right.
They kissed for long minutes, lost in their embrace. Lorena did not feel then that Severus' hands were slowly moving from her face and neck to her waist, her hips. He pushed her against a niche in the wall. Very gently, he slid his hands under her dress and shirt under, his hands hot with passion. She felt it but it was so sweet… She went on kissing him sensually.
When she felt where his hands were actually, she pushed him away, rejecting him. "No !" she protested. "Let go of me now, Professor," she said in a hushed tone. She managed to escape him and hurried down the first corridor her steps led her to. She did not know exactly where she was going but she would find her way inside the castle eventually. All she wanted was to flee away from him, from his passion, from her fear.
He remained alone in the corridor, his male flesh throbbing with desire, his soul on fire, his heart full of a feeling of emptiness and loneliness. He felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Do you want to talk about it ? About her ?" Albus Dumbledore said. A light of deep compassion and understanding flickered in his steely blue eyes. "Or about what happened between you both ?"
The Potions Master's black eyes hardened. "No." He could not tell the Headmaster that he had abused her physically a few days earlier. Though he had the feeling the older wizard knew about it already.
"As you wish. Be patient. She'll come back. She loves you, Severus. Whatever you may have done to her, she still loves you. Just give her the time she needs."
The younger wizard turned his eyes away. He had the feeling that the Headmaster had used Legilimency on him – or her – and knew what had happened already. Without a word, he left the place in a hurry.
"Save your breath" is what Lily had told Severus when he had tried to apologize to her (in Deathly Hallows, the "Prince's Tale" chapter) - history repeats itself obviously. Or will it ?
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