Author's Note: The new semester starts this week so updating might not happen everyday like I would like, but I will try and update when I can. Please be patient and don't come kill me if I don't update everyday. Enjoy!

Ch.38

Casey's POV

Waking up the next morning I'm still sleeping on Alex to my surprise. She doesn't have to be in until nine and I'm so happy I get to spend my morning with her. We spend some time in bed relaxing and kissing and then get up to get ready. I kiss her before she leaves. Savoring the kiss.

"I will be home at 7."

I hate thinking this, but I don't want to get my hopes up and then have her not come home until ten, but she insists things are different. I wish I could really believe in that, but I can't. I want to believe she'll be home at seven just like she said, but it's hard. I should trust that Alex will keep that promise, but I don't know. I in no way blame her for working late. I know that's not her fault, but still it's hard to believe it's different.

She gives me a kiss.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I feel awful not believing that Alex will come home on time. It's not her fault and I should give her more credit that I am. I don't know why I keep thinking so negative about this, but I just do.

When I get to the office I have an 11 o'clock meeting with McCoy. I'm not sure what I want to say to him, or what will get the ideal outcome. All I really want is for Alex to come back. She belongs at this office with me. I know it sounds a little selfish, but she's not happy there I can see it, and I wouldn't be doing this if I thought that's what Alex was happy with. I don't like her being there and she knows that, and I'm upset she never even talked to me about it. Granted we did have a fight when she left, but still. Even after I said I didn't like it and all she could say was "this is how it has to be" So in order for us to be together we can never see each other and she has to spend 90% of her time at that office, and the only time I see her are at night when she's asleep, weekends, and if she's sick. No, that's not a relationship that's being roommates. I'm not her roommate damn it. I'm her girlfriend. I want to see her after work everyday and every morning. I want to spend all my time with her, because every second I'm not with her is painful. I love Alex and all I want is to be with her, and right now it doesn't feel like I am. If I had known this is how it was going to be this way I would've never let her go to that office. We might as well have broken up because it doesn't even feel like we're together, just sometimes when we're free. I shouldn't have to schedule or guess when I'm going to have time with her. I miss her a lot. Even when I am with her it doesn't feel like it use to. It feels rushed and I don't want to waste a second not being with her because I love her so much.

I probably sound selfish and clingy, and it's not easy to understand even for me. I don't know why I hurt every time I'm away from Alex, but I do. I don't know why, but if I know anything is that I love Alex and I love being with her, and right now I just don't feel like I'm with her. It's a distant presence around her, and I don't like it. I want to feel connected to her like we should be, and this job is disconnecting us. The last thing I want is for us to break up over a stupid job because her hours suck and it hurts me too much missing her.

When I get to McCoy's office I keep reminding myself I'm doing this for Alex.

"what can I do for you Ms. Novak."

I've had hours to think about what I want to say and I have nothing. Say something Casey.

"we need Alex Cabot back."

And let us watch as my plan goes down the toilet.

"oh. Why is that?" he asks.

"because she's the best SVU ADA and she belongs here."

"is the work too much for you Ms. Novak because I'm sure we can work something out."

"no sir not at all. It's just- I'm- She belongs here not there. She probably never gets inside the court room, and I just think it's better if she's here."

"if she wants to come back I have no problem with that Ms. Novak, but if not and the work is too much I expect you to let me know. Understood?"

"yes sir."

"alright. Goodbye." he says.

I leave the office and go back to my own.

Well that was the biggest failure of my entire life. Now Alex is never going to get to come back, and I'll probably get reassigned, or worse stuck with another ADA. No god please don't let that happen. I'd rather have no one than have someone come in and replace Alex. No I refuse. If that happens I will leave this office and just scream. No. I refuse to work with anyone that isn't my Alex.

I get home scared out of my mind that tomorrow when I walk in the office McCoy will give me some other ADA to work with. That will be my own living nightmare right there.

I don't even know if I should tell Alex about my talking to McCoy. Of course I want to be honest with her, but I don't want her to get mad or anything.

I attempt to get the paper work I didn't do today done in fear f I slack McCoy will give me another ADA. I'm so lost inside my head that when she comes home I have completely forgotten that this morning she said she was coming home at 7.

"how was your day?" she asks.

"good, because I got to wake up to you." I tell her.

It was good because of that, but as soon as she left my day was just miserable.

"is everything okay at work?" she asks.

Crap she knows.

"yeah. Why is work okay for you?"

"yeah now it is."

She looks like something is bothering her.

"alright what's up?" I ask her.

"Alex I know when something's up with you."

When she tells me that McCoy called her office I know I have to be honest with her and tell her.

"if- if I tell you something do you promise not to be mad?"

"oh Casey you didn't." she lets go of my hands.

I feel like crap now. I was only trying to help.

"why would you do that? You know I can't go back."

"I did it for you Alex. You were so unhappy, and that girl on the phone- I didn't know what else to do." I explain to her.

"you can't just go doing that Casey. That's my job."

"you did it." I point out.

"it's different Casey. I told McCoy to reassign me not you. If work is so difficult you should've come to me first so we could figure something else out."

She's right. I shouldn't have, but I didn't know what else to do.

"I didn't know how to tell you that I didn't like you being there."

"what do you mean you don't like me being there. I come home early now and I leave later. I told you it's different."

I don't know what to say to her that will help her understand how I feel.

"I didn't like that girl Maria. I don't like you working with people who treat you like crap Alex."

"they don't."

I don't care if it's one of them or all of them. If someone is treating Alex like that I don't like it one bit, and I want it to stop.

"really then why have I been spending the past month waiting until 10, 11 o'clock for you to come home only for you to be gone when I wake up. You're never here Alex and I don't like it. You're not happy with it I can tell. I want you to be happy. I was trying to help you."

"it's not your place."

Then what is my place exactly? She's gone and tried to help me before and that was perfectly fine, but as soon as I try and help her it's just not okay.

"oh but it's your place when you go and talk to Olivia, or move offices. You never even talked to me about switching offices Alex."

"because you left."

Seriously? Even after I came back and we worked things out she still didn't even have the decency to talk it over with me or find an alternative to her leaving the office.

"even after that. I told you I didn't like it and all you could say was that it had to be this way. You didn't even try to talk to McCoy."

"there's rules Casey. The rules say we can work together, or be together. Either or, but not both. You know that Casey. I'm sorry I can't change that."

She didn't even try though.

I start tearing up because I'm angry and upset, and sad that she's angry with me.

"I wish I could but I'm not Wonder Woman, I can't magically make everything to your liking. Even though I try it's not possible. I would love to be able to work with there and be with you, but I can't. So what do I do I bust my ass everyday over there so I can be with you. I chose you and your happiness."

But it doesn't even feel like we're together anymore. It's distant and painful.

"I'm not happy though Alex. I'm not happy with you being there and never being around. I miss you Alex. You kept saying "I'll be home early promise" and you never even kept that promise not once. Not until yesterday Alex. You say it's different now, but how do I know tomorrow you won't have to work late, or go in early. I'm tired of waiting for you, and guessing when you're going to come home, or I'm going to get to do something with you other than sleep. I hate not seeing you because I love you so much and I want to spend time with you like we use to because I liked it Alex. It's hard without you. It's hard to work and deal with cases and Olivia by myself. So no everything isn't okay because you aren't here. You're never here anymore."

I'm crying harder now.

"I'm here now. What do you want me to do Casey? What can I do to make it better?" her voice gets calm.

I don't know what else to say to her.

My crying calms down.

"nothing."

I get up and go into our room because I just need space now. I don't want to see her mad.

I know she's mad, and I know I did a stupid thing. Why did I do that? I should've talked to her first. If I wanted her to talk to me first about her moving offices then why didn't I do the same for her before I went and talked to McCoy about bringing her back. Why am I such an idiot.

She's mad and I don't blame her, but I wish somehow I could just help her understand what it feels like for me. I don't want to be distant from her, or waiting for her all the time. I want to be close to her and not waiting. I want things to go back to how they were because we were really happy when they were that way. Then it was so easy. I still love Alex just as much if not more than I did then, but this whole waiting and not seeing each other just makes everything difficult.

I wonder if it's as hard for her as it is for me? If she misses me as much as I miss her. I wish she'd understand how hard it is for me. It's been an hour and I haven't stopped crying.

"Casey." she calls from the other side of the door.

I don't answer her because I know I'll just get more sad and mad. I'm so mad at myself. I don't want to face Alex right now.

"Casey." she opens the door.

I just keep staring at the wall because I don't want to see her mad right now, because if I look at her I'll just start crying more.

The bed moves as she climbs on it. She lays behind me and holds me close.

"I love you." she kisses my cheek.

"I just miss you so much." I tell her.

"I miss you too."

I turn over to face her.

"no Alex it's not even like I miss you. It hurts when you aren't here. I hurt when you're not here. Then when you are here it's just not like how it use to be and it makes me miss you more."

"what can I do to make it better? I want it to be better."

"Build a time machine, and send McCoy to the island." I answered.

"I'm serious Casey. How can I fix this?"

"talk to McCoy. Just talk to him. Please."

"Casey-"

"please. I just need to know that we at least tried. Please Alex."

There's a silence.

"okay." she says.

I kiss her happy out of my mind.

Even if McCoy does say no I want to be able to tell myself we at least tried.

"but if he says no-" Alex started.

"I know. I'll drop it."

"well if he says no then what?" Alex asked.

"can we cross that bridge if we get to it."

"okay." she kisses me.

"but can we make a promise that if we're going to help each other we talk about it first even if we don't want to, or we're fighting?"

"alright."

It's a start back to the way things were. I can't even think about McCoy saying no, because I want to stay positive. Maybe if I stay positive it will happen. Alex needs to come back. She's the best in SVU even better than me, and it's where she belongs, because that's where her best work is.

We work well together that's just how it is. Even when we worked and were together we still worked really well. Maybe McCoy will see that and let it slide.

McCoy can't fit a meeting with her in until Thursday. I hate waiting because I'm so anxious to know what he'll decide. I try to keep a positive mind, and my thoughts away from the what ifs. What if he says no? What if she comes back, but he reassigns us to different cases? I can't think like that because every time I do I feel bad.

I offered to go with Alex, but she insisted on going to the meeting alone. So now I'm pacing around my office nervous.

"it's okay everything's gonna be okay."

It's been over an hour now. What could they be talking about? Where is she? No he said no and she didn't want to tell me at the office. I've checked my phone a dozen times in the last five minutes to see if she texted me or called or something.

My phone starts ringing, but it's not her. It's the precinct. I'm needed there, but what if she comes by while I'm gone?

I text her to let her know I wont be in my office and I'll see her at home.

The whole time I'm at the precinct I'm anxious more so then before. I want to know already.

At 2 o'clock when I get back to my office I slump in my chair and check my phone. No message from Alex. This is bad. This is very very not good. He said no and she doesn't want to tell me while I'm at work. She probably doesn't want me distracted. Too late though I can't focus.

When my phone buzzes again I groan thinking it's the precinct and they need me again. Really? I just left there ten minutes ago. What else could they possibly need. It's from Alex.

No don't read it. Do not read it Casey it's bad. Why else would it take three hours to text you back if it was bad. That is a bad text do not read it. Then all your hopes will be crushed like a bug. No.

But what if it's good?

But what if it's bad?

My head needs to shut up. Whatever it is the outcome isn't going to change if I don't read the text message.

I unlock the phone scared out of my mind.

Please make it good news please make it good news. I think to myself over and over again.

Look up.

What? I stressed over half a text. Seriously. That was stupid.

I put the phone down and a second text comes through.

LOOK UP! The message demands.

I look up and my view goes right to Alex's office door. But her door's open.

She's sitting at her desk she smiles at me.

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! He said yes.

I run right over to her and hug her. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.

"he said yes."

"mmhmm."

I screech.

"I start Monday, but I wanted to surprise you. We just have to keep it professional."

This day is better than Christmas I'm so happy right now. I want to kiss her, but that wouldn't be a very good start to proving to McCoy that Alex and I can be professional. I'm ecstatic right now.

As soon as we get home I push her against the wall and kiss her.

"well someone's happy." she says.

"you have no idea." I say tearing her shirt open.

We move to the bedroom and I get her onto the bed.

"Casey-"

Alex always wants to please me first, but not this time.

"no you did something for me now it's my turn." I say before kissing her hard on the lips.

She's the most amazing woman in the universe. I'm so lucky to have her. She made it so I don't have to miss her anymore.