Author's Note: This letter is for juliewrites13, who suggested a while back that I write a letter "from Dean to Lisa & Ben shortly after he decided to walk out of their lives forever." So here it is. I want to thank jojospn, SPNxBookworm, reannablue, mb64, ClassyMuse, kingdommast, judyann, and GuestJ for their awesome reviews. And thanks to all of you wonderful readers!
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.
Lisa,
I'm writing this letter because I sure as hell can't say all of this to you. Not now. You wouldn't believe it or trust it. You wouldn't even know it was me if I came to you. I mean you might know that I'm the guy who "hit your car" and landed you and your son in the hospital, but you wouldn't know it was…You just wouldn't know me.
You know when I first met you, I just wanted sex. I was a drifter passing through yet another town, and the bar where I met you was just another pick-up spot for me. It's a hard job I do, and sometimes I just needed to flirt mindlessly with a hot chick to unwind. And if I ended up taking her back to my motel, even better. You were a hot chick and I unwound. We ended up back at my motel room. And yeah, better doesn't even begin to describe it… And then we went our separate ways, and I honestly thought nothing of it. Not until after I sold my soul.
Then I found you for the second time. I met Ben and I swear, I really thought the kid was mine. It shocked me, but it didn't upset me. A guy like me should've been running for the hills, but all I could think was "Wow. I'd be lucky if he was." But you said he wasn't, and the job pulled me away from you again anyway. But the second time I left you was different. I thought about you a lot after that second visit. About you, and Ben, and the life I could never build with you both but really wanted to. Damn, I had really wanted to stay. But I was going to die in a year, so I didn't have much choice. I had to leave.
The third time I came to you I was staring down an angelic possession shaped gun. I was getting ready to say yes to an archangel and give up on life, but I wasn't going to do it without saying goodbye to you. You, the random hookup from years ago. The girl with a son who wasn't mine and no reason to feel particularly attached to me. But I had to see you because I was attached. You and Ben were important to me, even when my own future wasn't. I told you that when I pictured myself being happy, it was with you guys. And I meant it. But I had to leave, and it made you cry. And I should've left you at that and not hurt you anymore. But Sam had me promise that after he jumped into Satan's cage I'd find you. I'd build something good with you and Ben, and I'd keep going. So I did.
I showed up in your life for the fourth time and you took me in. The emotionally broken man that I was, you took me and cleaned me up. You helped make me better. You were with me through the drinking, the nightmares, and the pain. You were the life-raft I couldn't let go of. So when Sam showed up, I couldn't just walk out on you. I left with Sam, but I still stayed with you… Eventually we did break things off. There was no way to keep up the pretense that I was being an attentive partner for you. I was living on the road hunting monsters and risking my neck daily. You were at home hoping I wasn't dead and explaining to your son why his not-exactly-father wasn't home, but still loved him. It was a mess, and it was for the best that you both got out of it.
Except then the demons found you and Ben. They took you and hurt you. You got possessed, and you were stabbed. You were dying, and seeing you lying in that hospital bed fading away… I knew what I had to do. What I should've done years before, but was too damn selfish and afraid to commit to. I had to leave you forever, but this time I needed to make it permanent. I needed to be the one to die, so to speak. So I made my friend not only heal you, but erase your memories and Ben's. I had him take me from every corner of your recollection of anything.
So now I might as well be dead to you, but you're definitely not dead to me. You and Ben are the family I always wanted and never deserved. The wife and son I would have loved with everything in me, but that would have died because of that love. The one-night stand and the not-even-legally-adopted kid who I would have given everything to, and in the end gave everything for. Because you were both everything to me for a while there. My family, my home, and my tether to sanity when I was falling apart. And I had to let you go.
I am glad you don't have to be aware of any of this because I think it would only hurt you more. But I wish with everything in me you could know, just for a moment, how sorry I am. How much I loved you, and how much I miss you now. But you don't, because if you saw me tomorrow you wouldn't know I was…You wouldn't know I had even been yours. You just wouldn't know me.
Dean
Secondary Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I know this was a slightly downer letter, but I couldn't see Dean writing anything cheerful on this subject, so I apologize if this made anyone feel sad. :P Like always, reviews and requests are very much appreciated! :)