Losing the Shades

by portico

Anastasia and Mr. Grey have been in a contracted relationship for the past year. How does Mr. Grey react when Ana ends their contract to pursue the job of her dreams in another city? It is clearly spelled out in the contract, no further contact will be permitted. How does their last weekend together eventually bring them back together when Mr. Grey suffers the ultimate betrayal?

38. Chapter 38

A/N: I didn't read your reviews of the previous chapter yet. I didn't want them to influence this chapter. That said, I am off to read them now even though I can probably already guess how most of you felt. Probably much the same as I do. Don't worry, Ana has an attitude adjustment.Chapter 38

I stare Dr. Flynn down before deciding to sit for a few minutes. "I don't have long, I promised Mia I would go out with her tonight." I warn.

He smiles warmly. "I understand. I won't keep you very long." He promises.

I shift in my seat as I keep one eye on Christian. I wait for Dr. Flynn to begin but he seems content in observing us for the time being.

"Anastasia, I need to know, and I am sure Christian here does too, " Dr Flynn starts. "Is all hope of a reconciliation gone or is there something to work from here?"

I take a big breath in and let it out very slowly. "There is still hope. There is still a lot of hope." I admit softly. "It is just right now, I am so angry. I think yesterday I was in shock so I was able to go with the flow but today I just woke up angry. I can't let him think that it is okay to treat me with such disregard, especially if I am going to marry him."

Christian lifts his face out of the pillow to look at me. His eyes red, but hopeful. Dr. Flynn nods. "I can understand that you would feel angry about what happened. Before I let you go to enjoy your evening, can I ask a question?"

I nod, nervously.

Dr. Flynn looks me in the eyes. "How do you see mending your relationship? How can you both move on from this?"

I deflate and tears spring to my eyes. "Yesterday I felt so invisible, so hurt. I feel like I don't matter at all. Everything can be going great and then bam, I am worthless. Worse than the trash. I've trusted Christian to keep me safe and he made me feel loved and secure. I think I lost some of that last night."

I try to explain. "I don't know how to fix it."

"So you lost trust in Christian, am I right?" Dr. Flynn tries to clarify.

I nod my head yes as I release my anger in the form of the tears rolling down my face.

"Go ahead Anastasia and enjoy your night. Would you be willing to do a couples session tomorrow?" Dr. Flynn asks.

I fidget a little in my spot. "Yeah, I could do that."

He gives me a satisfied look before turning to Christian. "She agreed to talk tomorrow but I know you heard what she said. We will get to work on that tonight. "

Realizing I have been dismissed, I stand up and a turn to leave. I look back at Christian one more time and our eyes meet. I try to convey my love to him through my eyes. He gives me a small smile and a nod so I can only hope that he understood.

After searching through my luggage, I find nothing appropriate to go out in. I find Mia in a panic. "I have nothing appropriate to wear for a night out."

Mia looks thoughtful for a second. "We are about the same size. I probably have something you can borrow." She offers and takes me to the room she is sleeping in. She opens her closet and pulls out a slinky silver number. "Here, try this."

Knowing we don't have much time, I slip out of my pajamas and into the dress in front of Mia. She whistles. "Don't let my brother see you or you won't get to leave the house." She whispers.

I turn in front of the full length mirror and examine myself. Mia is shorter than I am so this dress is much shorter than anything I would wear in public normally. I am showing some serious side boob but other than that, all my bits are covered. I catch the shoes Mia throws me and sit on the bed to get them on. Mia's cell phone alerts her that the guys are here so I text Sullivan.

Two shots and an hour later, I am feeling really good. Mason and Blake are really nice guys. They are dating and really are made for each other. They are total opposites but so much fun to listen to. They are also really protective of Mia, which I like but Mia is not a fan. Every guy who tries to get close has been forced to go through a game of twenty questions. I am hid back in a corner booth, trying to refrain from getting noticed and with Sullivan sitting next to me, it looks like I am taken. You are taken, Ana. I remind myself. The people watching has been on point.

After the music switches to a slow song, Mia comes back leaving Blake and Mason on the dance floor, dirty dancing with each other. She takes a long sip of her long island iced tea. "So how are things going with my brother?" she screams over the loud music.

I shrug. "Could be better." I admit.

Mia stops dancing in her seat and turns towards me. "What he did to you was a jerk move. Just walking out like that and not talking to you. I told him so. I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him, Ana."

If only I could put into words all these complicated feelings I am having. Sullivan is looking absolutely miserable and when an Imagine Dragons song comes on that I want to dance to, I tell him I am going on the dance floor. I take one more big gulp of my drink before heading to the dance floor, Sullivan hot on my heels.

Mia sees me and comes to dance beside me. Sullivan is dancing behind me and that man has some moves. It was very entertaining to watch him alone. We end up dancing until they call for last call. I am kind of surprised that Christian didn't turn up here. I know clubs are generally not his scene but I just felt like he would show up at some point and I can't deny my disappointment.

Back in the car, we all laugh about how much fun we had. Mia tells me how she met Blake and Mason a few years back when she was learning to ski. They were her instructors and she had the hugest crush on Blake. Mason chimed in that he also had a huge crush on Blake but he was the winner.

Mia and I stumble into the house a little after two in the morning. Both of us giggling but trying to be quiet and not wake anyone up. Of course that meant we made all kind of racket running into things here and there.

I tell her a final good night and open my door to find Christian sitting on my bed waiting for me.

"Did you have a nice time?" He asks.

"I did. It was fun." I admit shyly.

He stands up and comes over to me. Stopping in front of me but not daring to touch me. "I really am sorry Ana." He tells me desperately.

I nod my head. "I know. But being sorry doesn't make this go away, Christian." I tell him softly.

"What does?"

I stare at him in disbelief. "Time. We can work past it, I can forgive you. Yes. But honestly, every single time something goes wrong that upsets you I will tense up, expecting you to abandon me again and again. The next time I have to make a decision in your place, I am going to question whether or not I am worthy enough to be given the task. Everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I was sure about is suddenly not so clear right now and I would do anything to reverse the clock and not call Carla but I can't do that."

The sadness in Christian's eyes are reflected in mine. "I fucked up."

I nod because he did. He did fuck up royally. But that doesn't mean it is the end. I am sure I am going to fuck up royally one day too.

"What can I do?" he breathes out his inquiry.

"Love me. Even when you are angry don't act like I don't matter to you." I cry. "Don't ever ignore me like that again. And I shouldn't have to go missing for you to come and act like you give a damn." I add.

Christian watches me carefully, "About that."

I interrupt him. "Taylor already read me the riot act."

"I know. I heard him. And in the future I would like you to let someone know when you decide to go hiking but that isn't why I came, Ana. I came here because I missed you. I love you. I know I behaved badly. I can't fix that but I can work on myself so I never leave you out like that again. No one realized you were gone until I got here. It was the scariest hour of my life until you told me you were planning on leaving me." He confesses.

I sit down on the bed. He came here on his own? Not because anyone alerted him that they couldn't find me? The feelings of guilt and confusion all leave me overwhelmed and ashamed. I have been such a bitch to everyone today, including Christian. I have some apologies to make tomorrow morning.

"Ana, baby. You have every right to be mad at me but could I please sleep in here tonight. Next to you?" He asks timidly.

Ten minutes ago I would have told him where he could get off but right now, I want to be comforted in his arms. I want everything to go back to the way it was between us. I sigh and nod once. "To sleep, yes. If you think you can get into my panties, however, the guest room is down the hall."

Christian smiles for the first time tonight. "Thank you." He says, striping into his t-shirt and boxers.

I put on my pajamas from earlier. It is strange getting into the bed with Christian wearing clothing. We normally sleep together naked, even on the nights we don't make love. I am just aware that Christian can sometimes use sex as a coping mechanism and I don't want him to think that everything is just peachy between us. We still have issues to sort out with Flynn tomorrow. One I know that will probably send him flying off the handle. But that is tomorrow and this is right now.

We climb into the bed and I snuggle into him. He wraps an arm around me and it brings me comfort. As I start to drift off, I realize that this is Christian's house and this is his bedroom. He asked me if he could stay in his own bedroom. And true to his word, he didn't try anything.

The next morning, I wake up in the bed alone. Today is the day we talk things out with Dr. Flynn. I can't help but wonder how much it cost to have him fly off to Aspen at a moments notice or come running any time, day or night, when Christian needs him. Probably a small fortune.

I find everyone in the kitchen laughing at Mia's stories from last night. Mrs. Martin is serving up breakfast buffet style. Christian turns and sees me and his face lights up. "Good morning, how did you sleep?" He asks cautiously.

"Probably better than I should have." I answer.

Gail is watching our exchange. I turn to her, "Can I speak with you privately for a minute?" I ask softly.

Gail places her coffee mug next to Taylor's. "Watch this for me." She instructs and gets up to follow me into the next room.

Face to face, I am suddenly nervous and tongue-tied. "Umm, I wanted to say. I mean I need to say." I start.

Gail gives me a small look of encouragement. "Yes dear?"

I manage to spit it out. Nowhere near as eloquent as I hoped, "I was a real bitch to you yesterday and you didn't deserve my anger. I am sorry for treating you that way."

Gail takes a deep breath before speaking. "Ana, I forgive you however you must know that I will not tolerate that kind of behavior from you in the future. You were angry and upset and I understand that but neither my husband or I will be your verbal whipping board."

I am so stunned by Gail's reprimand that I take a small step backwards. I am so used to Gail's "yes dear, whatever you want dear" attitude that her firm no-nonsense side comes as a shock. "Yes, ma'am" is all I manage to say in response.

Satisfied that she has made her point, she smugly goes back to rejoin the others.

You really made a mess of this yourself. I tell myself as I take a minute to compose myself before showing my face to the others.

When I get back, Christian has gone through the trouble to fix me a plate and a weak cup of tea. Mia is going on about her plans for today not noticing that nobody is really listening. I think Mia just likes to hear herself talk. When we finish eating, Dr. Flynn asks us if we are ready to start our session.

Well, we might as well get this over with. I stand and follow him as Christian follows me. I am filled with a sense of dread but that is because I know this is going to be hard for the both of us.

Dr. Flynn takes a seat in front of the loveseat that Christian and I sat on. "Okay you two. The past couple days have been intense. My plan is to try to get you to be able to work out your feelings of the events as they have played out, together this time." He says this with a huge smile and a jolly attitude. "Christian, let's start with your panic attack, shall we. Why don't you explain to Ana what the trigger was so she can gain some understanding."

Christian nods but I put my hand up stopping him. "Excuse me Dr. Flynn. I was understanding about his panic attack." I interject.

"I think that if you listen to what Christian has to say, you might be enlightened a little bit more. Could you please bear with me." Dr. Flynn requests.

I nod and sit back to listen to Christian's retelling of my disastrous phone call with my mother.

"When I heard her say that Elena called, it was all I could do to not lose control right then and there. Elena manipulated my parents for most of my life so to hear she had gotten to your mother was all my fears coming true. Elena had a pretty strong hold on me for many years, always threatening me with how others were going to react when they found out about my kinky sex life so to hear your mother use the same words that Elena promised they would call me brought all those fears right to the surface again. It is silly, I know. But it is your mother and I want her to like me. Or at the very least, accept me as a part of your life. Not to mention, what was she doing resurfacing again. I thought I had nailed her coffin shut already. Yes, we still have a trial to get through but the state's evidence is so good it should be an open and shut case. I lost control and then it kind of spiraled out of control until I couldn't breathe." Christian tells me with his head down, obviously ashamed of his lack of control.

I close my eyes and try to put myself in his shoes but I just can't truly imagine what it was like to be stuck in her claws for so long, like he was.

Dr. Flynn talks softly. "Ana, could you please tell Christian what it was like seeing him in the middle of a panic attack. What lead to Taylor sedating him."

I nod and start speaking. "You had fallen to your knees and you were hyperventilating. I ended the call with my mother and turned off your recorder. I didn't think you would want anyone to hear your panic attack." I tell him and he gives me a sad little smile. "I sat in front of you, begging you to breathe. I tried to get you to breathe with me. Taylor came running in and then left and came back with a syringe. He was talking to someone on the phone and then he apologized and stuck you with it. I demanded to know what it was, what the side effects were. Taylor assured me that you were aware of it and he had followed protocol."

"I was aware and he did follow protocol." Christian assured me.

I continue, "I sat with you, watched you like a hawk. It wasn't long before Dr. Flynn and your parents came. Taylor had demanded to know what the trigger was and he alerted your parents and Dr. Flynn. Your father asked me to come with him to his office and he unlocked your phone a we listened to the recording. Speaking of which, can I get your passcode?" I ask.

Christian looks at me funny. "For my phone?"

I nod. "I promise I won't invade your privacy. It is just for times like this. If your dad hadn't been around no one would have been able to hear what happened until you woke up."

Christian chuckles, "Right now, it is your birthday. I will let you know when it changes."

I laugh. I should have guessed that. "Your dad wanted to put my mother on the restraining order that is out against Elena so he called her. My mother had lost her mind. She thinks that they are best friends, anyhow, more disturbing, my mother describes how to break into Escala and pretty much plans to rescue me. She has never been in the building but according to your dad and Taylor she was dead on. Your dad tries to convince her, like I did that Elena is a pedophile but she is hearing none of it but insist she was speaking to someone much younger than Elena. Taylor tells me that Elena couldn't have called because she is under sedation so It all turned into a big mess, really quickly. Next thing I know, I am being told that we can't stay at Escala because it isn't safe. I agreed that we should go by your parents. You didn't take the news very well. You kept talking about wanting to have sex with me in front of your mother which led to a very uncomfortable talk and a tour of the room where the playroom was. That is about that. Everything was happening so fast and you were so loopy."

Christian is slightly red as I remind him about his behavior in front of his mother. Dr. Flynn nods. "Yes, that is about how that evening went as I remember it also. I left when you were leaving to go by your parents. Did anything happen there?" Flynn asks.

I shrug. "Grace asked me to sleep in a different room because we aren't married yet. I wanted to be respectful to her so I agreed but Christian wasn't happy about it at all. He even told his mother he would like it if she spanked him." I give Dr. Flynn a quick summary as Christian groans beside me.

Dr. Flynn chuckles, "I would have loved to see Grace's face at that moment. Okay, so you slept apart. Let's talk about the next morning. That is the point of discourse from my understanding. So Christian, could you describe waking up and the events of that morning for Ana."

"I woke up in my childhood bedroom confused. I forgot that we went to sleep there and I was feeling groggy. I couldn't find my phone and I knew that I had to get to work. I didn't know where you were. I was just discombobulated. I ran into Taylor and he brought me to my dad's study and they told me that someone was trying to kidnap you at best, kill you at worst. That they suspected that someone was impersonating Elena and using your own mother to get to you. All I could think about was that I couldn't protect you. I was too weak of a man to be good enough for you. All of this vital information coming in and I was just chilling out on the couch high as a kite. How was that what you deserved. I promised your father I would protect you and I couldn't even do that. I ended up on the floor like a baby with a stupid panic attack!" Christian explains, getting himself worked up all over again. "When you came in to say good morning, all I could think about was how it was because of me that you were in danger. That I had to get you as far away from me as I could so I didn't hurt you anymore."

Tears spring to me eyes as I listen to him. I thought he was just mad that the world continued to spin without him. I didn't realize that he was scared just being around me would get me killed. "It really hurt me when you pushed me away like that. You were so cold."

"I was trying to say good-bye. I thought it was in your best interest to stay far away from me. I would rather have you alive and happy away from than cold and buried near me any day of the week."

I raise my eyebrows. "So I am either alive or I'm dead?" I demand.

Christians tilts his head to the side and regards me with a look of amusement. "Well yes, Ana, life usually works that way. If you aren't alive, then you are dead." Even Dr. Flynn chuckles at my blunder.

I throw my hands up in the air. "What I meant is there were only two options for you? That the only way I could stay alive is to be away from you? Because let me tell you something, I don't want to live a life without you in it." I say emphatically.

"At the time, yes. That is how I saw it. Dr. Flynn made me realize that it didn't have to be that way so we jumped on the plane and here we are."

I really lose the last of the fight left in me. Christian is flawed. That is true, but so am I. "The way you acted made me feel worthless to you. If you would have explained how you were feeling I could have been understanding, even if I didn't like it. We don't even know for certain if this danger Is real or imagined but you face death threats all of the time. Should I just up and leave because I am scared?" I ask him.

He shakes his head, "No. I am just used to living with the threat over my head. I do everything in my power to mitigate it and move on with my life. "

"Do you think you could do the same with me? We mitigate the issue the best we can and move on with our lives, together?" I ask him

"Yes. That is what we should have done to start with."

"I agree." I take a huge breath. "But this little exercise has pointed a few things out to me that I would like to change." I prepare myself for the fight that is about to happen.

Christian looks at me warily, sensing my mood shift.

"I realized a couple things. One, I really don't like being handled. I would like more control over decision making when we are apart. I felt like I was some thing and not someone. And two, I would like to borrow $50,000 until I can pay you back."

Even Dr. Flynn adjusts himself closer to us out of curiosity.

"What do you need $50,000 for Anastasia?" Christian asks sharply.

The fact that he called me Anastasia is not lost on me. "I am too dependent on you. If I do need to leave, I don't have the means to go anywhere and that leaves me vulnerable and I don't like it. I would like $50,000 in an account with only my name on it so that I have an escape hatch should I need it. Like I said, I will give you your money back once I am employed again and can save up on my own."

Christian looks confused, "But I provide everything that you would ever need. Do you think that I wouldn't give you any money?"

I shrug. "When we are angry, we do stupid things. I don't know and I don't want to have to find out."

Christian narrows his eyes at me, "I thought you didn't want me for my money."

I gasp. "That is a low blow Christian Grey and you know it. Until recently I was completely self sufficient and doing just fine. I don't want you for your money. That is why I plan on getting a job and working and giving you that money right back." I argue.

Dr. Flynn intervenes. "Anastasia, why do you feel you need a sum of money in your name?"

I shrink a little on my side of the loveseat. "Because yesterday I had no idea when or even if I was ever going to see Christian again. All I knew for sure was that I was being handled by his staff and that it could go on indefinitely. I told Taylor I would tolerate it for five days but if it lasted longer than that, then I was going to leave. Then I realized I didn't have enough money to leave and completely restart my life. I would have to find a job and an apartment and a car and start from scratch all over again."

Dr. Flynn nods his head, "that sounds like a reasonable concern."

Christian looks at me in a panic, "How would I know you just aren't going to up and leave one day?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I guess you are just going to have to trust me."

"But that is really hard." Christian admits out loud.

I look at him in his beautiful grey eyes. "Exactly."

His eyes widen a little as the full weight of what I am trying to say sinks in. He doesn't say anything else for a while and I know he is analyzing the risks of my request. I knew it would go down like a hole in the head but if he says no, then I am going to delay the wedding. We shouldn't get married if we don't have enough trust with each other.

"I agree to give you $50,000 in your own account but I have a few terms." Christian finally says.

"Name them."

"One, you can't leave me without at least trying to reconcile. Two, you can't just slip out one day while I am at work. Three, you can't use the money if you are leaving me for someone else."

I smile, "I agree to terms one and three. I would like to add an addendum to number two please and change the wording on the original agreement."

Christian raises an eyebrow urging me to go on. "I would like to change give to loan and add unless I am being abused or mistreated."

He gasps, "You think I would abuse or mistreat you?"

"Under normal circumstances, no. Not at all. However in light of the other day, I want all my bases covered. But no, I don't think you would abuse me. I learned from the best negotiator I know though so blame yourself." I explain.

He ponders it for a second before agreeing. "Deal. I don't like it but if it makes you feel better."

I breath a sigh of relief, "It does."

We continue with Dr. Flynn until lunch time. By the end of the session I am feeling much better and I think that Christian is too. He asked about dress shopping and how the planning session went with his mother. I remind him that we were supposed to be meeting with the caterer today so he calls his mother and asks her to do it in our place. I know Grace has great tastes so I have no worries about her picking out the menu. My only request was to make sure there was a seafood, beef, chicken, and vegetarian option. Most people can find something they will eat from that. Grace promised to email me later with what she has chosen.

We even felt solid enough to send Dr. Flynn home after lunch. Well by we, I mean Christian. We spend most of the afternoon relaxing near each other. We weren't interacting much but that was okay. It was nice to have him close by.

Just before dinner he asks me to come sit next to me to look at his computer with him. He had spent the better part of the afternoon house hunting long distance. He showed me two very different style houses, both on the sound.

"Do you like either of these?" he asks as he queues the video tour of a sleek, ultra modern home.

"They are both very nice homes. Very. Very large." I tell him a little intimidated by their size.

He runs over the specs. "Both are over 10,000 square feet. Both have large lots and boat slips. This one is newer. Built four years ago by a CEO who has since passed away. His children are selling it. The other one has been on the market for a few months. Built in the 80's so would require a significant amount of renovation before moving in."

"Why are you looking at buying a house?" I ask him, perplexed.

"We are buying a home." He accentuates the we and kisses my temple. "We are buying a home because we are getting married and one day we will want to start a family. The penthouse is fine for a couple but not so kid friendly. I also think it would be safer since evidently Escala's security flaws seem to be common knowledge these days."

I point to the older house. "I really love this one. It is so charming." I tell him.

He laughs. "Of course you do."