I own nothing

Read Wife Swap Vampire Edition by ipoked-KiraandEdward-andlived. I reviewed the first four chapters, and, of course, threw a little phone calls in there.

Ring, ring

"Hello?"

"Hi, bloodsucker."

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the dog."

"Bells, I'm hurt."

"Sure, you are."

"Well, I am."

"Whatever."

"Hay, why isn't Edward answering his phone?"

"Because of the last time you called him."

"What happened?"

"You idiot."

"Oh, that… right."

Emmett Die, humans, die!!!!!

Jasper NO!!! Stupid Nazi!!!

Jake "What was that?"

Bella "Emmett and Jasper are playing Call of Duty."

Alice Hay, Jasper, I need your credit card.

Jasper …

Alice Jasper, I said I need your credit card.

Jasper …

Alice JASPER!!!!

Jasper What?

Alice Credit card.

Jasper Yeah, here.

Rosalie I swear, they hear nothing we say when they are on that game.

Alice Nope.

Rosalie Hey Emmett, I want a purple orangutan that sings the "I Love Lucy" theme song to the moon at eleven o'clock every Saturday morning.

Emmett What? Yeah, I'll get it for you the next time I'm in town, sweetheart.

Alice I suggest we all dress up in hot pink leotards and start to do the Cancan in front of the entire school, when we then exclaim "WE SPARKLE!!!" What do you think, Jasper?

Jasper Yeah, sure, that's a great idea, honey.

Rosalie Did you know that some humans lick three hundred pounds of peanut butter a on the winter solstice?

Emmett Thanks for the trivia, Rose, could you know interrupt again? Kind of playing a game.

Alice Christmas trees covered with banana crème pies on the 52nd day in August are tradition in Umpa-Lumpa Land.

Jake That reminds me, do we have any pie Nessie?

Nessie I don't know.

Jake Well, because, dammit, woman, I want pie.

Nessie(fuming) Okay, dear, I'll get you pie. Would you like some lemonade with that?

Jake Why, I would love some.

Nessie Here's your lemonade.

Lemonade slowly drips down Jake's face

Nessie Oops, forgot your pie.

Squish

Jake My face tastes like chocolate.

Nessie Oh, you made a mess. Silly, Jake. I'll wash that off for you. Takes hose and sprays him in the face.

Bella You had that coming, Jake.

Jake Yeah, I know. I better go dry off.

Hangs up